Here we go again

Well, i'm back, party people. May have wondered what happened since my last posting. yeah, most days i wonder too. i moved away with Von, you remember, that man of my dreams? We got engaged. Started a wonderful new life together and planned for a brilliant future. Oh, and then one day he came home and said he didn't feel like a man anymore and he needed some space to work things out so he could take care of our future instead of me taking care of everything. It sucked. I'm not gonna lie. My heart was broken. But he assured me he still loved me and couldn't do right by me until he took care of him. That was September, Labor Day in face, of last year. Well guess what happened while we were working things out and i was still continuing to pay for his sorry ass and support him emotionally and sleep with him daily? He knocked up some random girl from the bar. yes, you know, the best way to work things out with the love of your life is to bang stupid chicks that give you std's and get pregnant on purpose. well, he made his bed and he has to lie in it. and what a nasty bed it is. and this bitch is fugly! but that's neither here nor there. dude has messed up his life beyond any point of rebound and i wash my hands of it. but if he walks into my bar again with her, i'm going to fuck his world up in a heartbeat. i played nice two weeks ago cuz i didn't want the drama. but step up there again and see what happens you flippin moron. we'll see who blinks faster.

so anyway, i saw a bunch of randoms throughout the summer. had a few hopes for a couple of them but to no avail. so today i wipe the slate clean and I've offically gotten rid of all of the summer flings. Today was the last straw for the last one. After him asking me to go to lunch Saturday morning so we could talk about "us", where he filled my head full of crap and made promises he couldn't keep... why should i be surprised? he didn't even last 12 hours. we made plans to go out saturday night and he didn't show. sunday he wondered why i was mad. didn't hear crap from him monday or tuesday besides a few random texts. tonight he texts to say hey and see what i'm doing and basically kiss my ass. which is precisely what i end up telling him to do: kiss my ass goodbye.
spent the last few nights meeting some other fellas. not sure if any of them will be blog worthy material but hey, they are entertaining for now. and a heck of a boost to the self-esteem. there are two that are standing out from the pack a little. We shall call them Teej & CR. we'll see if they can hold their own for awhile. if nothing else, they make my work day go faster with their flirty emails. and they're both pretty hot. setting my hopes on nothing to avoid the disappointment. lol. oh sure, i shouldn't assume that all men will disappoint but let's be realistic here. look at what has come before these guys. mostly a highway full of heartbreak road kill. sure, i'm trying to detour but who knows if i'll get lost. there could be a bridge out or i could make another wrong turn that takes me a long time to get back from. who knows? i'm no rand mcnally and my 8 ball ain't talking so i'm just gonna meander down this road and see what happens i guess. perhaps i'll stumble across a magic hidden road that leads to an oz like place where all my wildest dreams and fantasies will be fulfilled? ha! not expecting a life long companion. maybe i'll just find a good friend or someone to help me pass the time so i don't feel like a lonely hobo walking alone. and maybe, just maybe it will be easier now that i finally found myself.

and you may be wondering what ever happened to Mob and Rock? Well they still call and tell me how much they love me and miss me and wish we could be together. but neither of them are capable of putting their money where their mouth is so...they're of no use to me right now.

so i'm off like magellan on a new conquest. and who knows what this adventure could entail. stay tuned and find out. you know it's always entertaining. much love. the player.

Monday's Masochist

It's Monday. It's been a busy weekend of moving, again. I just want a place I can call my own. I want the chaos surrounding my love life to end. I want to stop loving my ex. I want my stalker to leave me alone. I want a million dollars and a killer body. I wake up to find my dreams did not deliver on any of those desires. I am bummed. I step on the scale and I gasp. There is a number staring back at me. A number I swore I would never see in my weight again. 270. Fuck. Last year at this time I was melting away the pounds. My weight started with a 2 again instead of the 3 it had begun with for so long. I lost 50 pounds. I felt fabulous. I was never going to stop! Then the perfect little life I had planned so meticulously crumbled around me. I lost my fiance. Moved out of my apartment. Lost my job. Worst of all, I lost hope. I lost my drive. For a long time, I lost me.

So there I stand until the number fades off of the scale. I have gained back 16 pounds of my 50. Doesn't sound like much in the big scheme of things to some people, I'm sure. Well, you go lose 16 pounds real quick and easy then, sucker. Let me know how it goes. It is a lot. But it wouldn't matter if it was 5 pounds or 35. The point is, I'm going the wrong direction. I'm getting lost in the current of chaos again. This is the one thing I actually have control over and I'm just blowing it. I glance towards my closet and see the bridesmaids dress I have to wear for my brothers wedding in 14 weeks. It doesn't zip all the way up. I ordered it at the peak of my weight loss. I love my family more than anything in the world and I can't let them down cuz I'm too fat to be in the wedding! As I step off the scale, something inside me breaks. Hooray, it wasn't my heart this time! I think it was my lazy bone. My excuses. My feeling sorry for myself. My half-ass attitude. I pack a healthy lunch, grab my gym bag and head to work.

9 a.m.
I'm talking with some co-workers and somehow we get on the subject of triathlons. I've always thought triathletes were crazy. Who does that for fun? Doing a triathlon sounds like about as much fun to me as selling American flags door to door in Iraq. But I find myself saying, "We should do one." A couple of them agree. I tell them we can all train together and see if we can get the company to sponsor us when we do it. I hit the web and start checking out triathlons so that I can be more familiar with what I've signed up to do. I realize quickly that I'm an idiot. But that's not going to stop me. There are a lot of 16 week training programs. True, these are for people who probably aren't 110 pounds over weight but since when would I let common sense stop me? I can do this. I'm not going to do it thinking I'll win. I just want to finish it. I want to say I did it. And I know training for this will guarantee I can get in the dress for my bro's wedding.

2 p.m.
It's a beautiful day outside. I'm done with all my clients at work. I leave early and hit the gym. I do 1.5 miles on the treadmill. It takes just under 30 minutes. I don't run yet. I'm too scared. After that I get on the bike and ride 3.5 miles in 10 minutes. Not bad. I'm keeping up a pretty good pace. That will definitely be my easier of the three events. I leave the gym happy. It's a beautiful day and I got some good cardio in. I call my friend and see what he's doing. He's being a bum and playing Playstation. I tell him to get dressed. I pick him up and we go for a walk. Another mile. I'm feeling pretty good. 6 miles today. Pretty sure I can't tell you the last time I went that far and it wasn't by car.