Wrapping it up...

Well, here we are. 2009 is about to come to a close. I am ready to wrap it up, along with this story. Mr. R and I are still together and he continues to amaze me every single day. It hasn’t always been easy, but once I decided that I deserved to be loved by him and feel happy, it’s been wonderful. Oddly, I owe a lot of it to my cousin’s death. Losing him put so many things in perspective for me regarding where my life was headed, what I wanted out of it, and who really loved me. It was a serious wake-up call for me and one that I have not taken lightly. Mr. R stayed with me through all of it and never blinked twice or thought about leaving. He has been my rock, my constant, my joy and the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Yes, MNS tried with all of his might to ruin things between Mr. R and I over the course of our relationship but the good news is, for the first time ever, I didn’t let him. Even when he left his wife. Even when he begged for me by his side and cried on my shoulder telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. I saw MNS a month or two ago and it was pretty much terrible. He promised me everything I had ever thought I wanted from him. We laughed, we cried, we hugged. And then I told him that his love was ruining me and that he had to let me go. He said he didn’t know how. At that point I told him not to contact me again unless he could figure out how because friends was all we could ever be from this point on. He sent me a few messages after that asking if I was sure that I wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he would respect my wishes and do whatever was easiest for me but that he would still call me every day in his head and tell me he loved me, and he hoped that didn’t constitute stalking. He said he would always love me and be sorry that he screwed things up and I deserved all the happiness in world. He wished that he was still my happiness. The last email I received from him said “I still believe that we will be great together someday”. I never answered him. I will always love MNS and wonder how he is. But he’s not my dream guy. I found that in Mr. R and I’m glad that Mr. R is Mr. Right for me and not somebody else.

Oh, I suppose I should touch on MOB, too. He’s become one of my closest friends over the years. There is no doubt in my mind that if I ever got in a bind, MOB would be there to save me. He’s finally found someone and I’m so excited for him. Told me he hasn’t felt this way about anyone since me. I figure she must be pretty cool then. The night he was going to tell her he loved her he called me first and asked if I had any advice. “Simple. Just love her like I know you can.” He reiterated to me that I would always be his true love and a part of me felt like he was asking permission to give his heart to her. I, of course, told him to do it and to do it well, as I only wanted his happiness. He broke down crying on the phone and said he had to go. I received the following email minutes later:

Boo-
I hope you can forgive me for all the wrong I’ve ever done to you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never forget that! If you ever need me, I mean EVER, I’m there for you babe. I love you so much. I can’t even put it into words. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I was young and stupid, but that’s no excuse! Nothing can make up for the way I treated you. You will always be my one true love and I thank you for loving me and making me a better man.
Mob

So where does that leave The Player? Well, retired, I guess. Mr. R and I are planning a wedding in the fall. I cannot wait to start our lives together and spend every day showing him how honored and lucky I feel that he chose me and stuck by my side when I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

Much love,
The Player

On My Knees...

Yommey, Mr. Right and I decide to go out for a drink tonight. It’s been a crazy week and we could all use a little rest and relaxation. We pick a bar just up the street that has some specials and a dart board. We’ve only been there for a couple drinks when my phone rings. It’s my parents. My heart races. They never call me on Wednesday nights unless something is wrong. I let it lay on the table and vibrate. “Something is wrong. Someone’s dead.” Yommey laughs at me and tells me to stop being a tard and answer the phone. I do and I know instantly by the sound of my mother’s voice that I was correct. Something is terribly wrong. I don’t remember much of the conversation. It all goes a little blurry. I remember her telling me that my cousin, who was like a little brother to me was found dead. I remember falling to my knees, tears streaming down my face, sobs sailing from my throat and handing the phone to Yommey so she could talk to my mother. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up and not knowing if I would ever find the strength to stand back up again. My mother told Yommey they didn’t have many details but would call as soon as they did. She told us not to make the 3 hour drive home until morning. I think she told us to pray.

After that it was a barrage of phone calls and crying and what the hell happened? He was 25 years old. Why would he take his own life? I felt bad for Yommey and Mr. R, watching while my family fell into splinters of ourselves, trying to piece it together, trying to make sense of it all. I remember their tears as well. Sitting next to me, holding my hand, tears rolling down their faces and I took call after call and fought to keep my sanity. Fair left her date and rushed to be with us as well. I was thankful to have them by my side. I couldn’t have done it alone.

I don’t remember if Mr. R stayed that night. I think I convinced him to go home. I sobbed in my bed for hours and talked to my family. I got up, knowing I was not going to sleep a wink, and wrote poems for him until 4:30 in the morning. I could not shut off my brain. I slept for an hour or two and then was awake again talking to my brother and my sister, my uncles, my cousins. Grasping for answers and anything to make it feel better. Nothing was working. Yommey went to work and we planned to leave for home as soon as she got done. I started pulling every picture of my cousin together and making a video for him. I sat at the computer like a possessed woman trying to edit those pictures and music together. It was hard to see through my swollen eyes that continued to gush. My head was beating so hard from lack of sleep and crying that I didn’t know if I could finish this project or not before we left. As I sat at the table, on the brink of giving up, I heard the front door open. There was Mr. R. He wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me so tightly. Told me he couldn’t get through the day at work knowing I was home alone and hurting. He made me lunch, picked up the house, helped me finish the video and pack my bags. And more importantly, he was there, next to me. And I knew he always would be, for as long as I would let him.

Kinda Like A Bob Ross Painting...

I'm happy. All week I have felt happy and relieved and excited for the future. I like it. Everything I look at has a new glimmer about it.

This is day 5 without MNS. He called from work this morning. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. When the number came up on my phone my stomach dropped and my heart nearly beat out of my fucking chest, but I knew I couldn't answer. We have nothing to say. I don't want to be sucked in ever again. He can't make me as happy as Mr. Right. I know this. Hell, everyone knows this. I was just the last one to admit it.

With Mr. Right I have a future. I have the potential for marriage and babies and love and support and security and understanding. He doesn't bring any drama. He helps me diffuse any that comes my way. He listens. He makes me laugh. He loves me and it's obvious. He fits in with my family and friends so well and I couldn't ask for more on that front. All I can really say about him is that he's super swell. If I get too mushy, Fair and Yommey will totally make fun of me. All you need to know is that I can't stop smiling and there's a pep in my step the last few days. Love is a crazy fucking ride.

A Great Day For An Epiphany

FRIDAY

MNS came over in the morning. I hadn't seen him in two weeks so it was nice. It was a short visit, as always. He was running between plants at work and stopped by to see the new house and me. And of course, to get a little loving. He had a different air about him. He was excited and seemed happier than I have seen him in awhile. His thoughts and plans of leaving soon were obvious. I think it was his being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel that made him giddy. Of course, when he spoke of leaving her very, very soon, I asked what the plan was. He said to leave. I said, when? He said soon. I told him that wasn't a valid plan. He left and sent me a few texts later in the morning. I reiterated to him that since we couldn't go away Saturday night for our romantic retreat, like we had planned, that I would like him to come over to the house Saturday night. He didn't reply. I tried calling him later in the afternoon and his phone was off. Since he had disabled his email, somewhat at my request, and I knew he had left work to go play softball, I had no way to get a hold of him. I figured I would just hear from him on Saturday sometime.

Spent the night with my besties, and Sissy and Mr. Right. We had a wonderful time catching up and shooting the shit on the porch. Although, earlier, at happy hour, me and the besties saw Professor Stalker. He saw us. Made sure he got close in case I wanted to talk, but then, luckily, left us the hell alone. It gave me the heebies just looking at him. Blech!

Anyway, the night was going along splendidly and I was having a lot of fun. Then I got a call from Jose. A friend of ours from college, and a former roommate of mine, had died this morning. He was 34 years old. He leaves behind a wife and three children under the age of 5. I couldn't even believe it when he told me. I called some of our other friends and they confirmed the devastating news. As I sat talking with Fair, Sissy and Mr. Right a million thoughts ran through my mind. First of all, how blessed I am to be so loved and have the most amazing support system in the world. I seriously have the most wonderful friends and family a woman could ever ask for. There is so much love around me, my heart could never be empty.

Mr. Right was so worried for me and my loss. I knew if there was anything that could be done to make it better, he would be more than willing and able. I assured him that all I needed was a few laughs, a few hugs and it would be ok. He, of course, gave me all of that and then some. I would catch him looking at me, with such concern on his face, and he would just smile and touch my hand and I did feel better. I wondered if I should call MNS. Why couldn't he make me feel better. Because his phone is off. Because he's too busy with his life. Because he's a piece of shit and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. This is my reality. This is my hard truth.

Mr. Right stayed the night since we had all been drinking. Plus he didn't want to leave me alone and I didn't want to be alone. Like a perfect gentlman, he didn't try anything at all. He slept next to me in the bed, holding me while I cried myself to sleep and stroking my hair. It was nice having someone next to me. It was nice having someone who cared and who listened. I thought about my friend's passing. It seemed like such an injustice. How would his family, wife and children cope with losing him? It made me pretty pissed at God for a hot minute. Why not someone like me? I'm not saying I'm dispensable or that people wouldn't miss me and be hurt but I have no spouse. I have no children. Hell, right now, I don't even have a job. Why someone like my friend that had so much going for him and so many people to be left behind.

I wondered, if it had been me, if MNS would've made time out of his busy schedule to come to my funeral or not. Well, if anyone could've gotten a hold of him to let him know. And I thought to myself, as Mr. Right slept close behind me...if you have to ask yourself that, you have a serious fucking problem, lady. Why are you wasting your time with someone like this? I realize, these are questions many people have put to me many times before regarding MNS. I guess, I just needed a tragic eye-opener to put things in perspective for me. I want to be married again someday. I want to have a family. I have wasted two years of my life on this guy whom, in the bottom of my heart, I don't believe can ever be the man I want him to be.

SATURDAY

I rolled over in the morning and watched Mr. Right sleep. It didn't make me feel weird he was in my bed. I didn't want him out of it either. I snuggled up behind him and kissed his shoulder. He has put up with so much shit and drama and bitchy-ness from me and yet he stands by my side, no matter what. And I know he will not go anywhere. Ever. He wakes and we chit chat for awhile. He again brings up going on a trip together to get away and instead of telling him he's crazy, I tell him I can't wait. His smile and genuine excitement is enough to make me giggle. We lay in bed and begin to plan our trip to the Bahamas.

Later that afternoon I try MNS's phone one more time for confirmation. It is still off. I erase his work and cell phone number from my phone. MNS has got to go away. I have got to find someone that wants the same things out of life as I do and is willing to work on that together. I want to give Mr. Right the chance he deserves, without having to compete with MNS.

SATURDAY NIGHT

I talk to Mr. Right for an hour before bed. He senses a difference in me the last 24 hours. I do too. I apologize to him for what I have put him through the last few months. He reiterates that he doesn't care how long he has to wait. He thinks I am worth fighting for and he truly believes we are meant to be together. I know that he means it. He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He's not into smoke and mirrors and plate spinning like MNS, as Fair would say. I tell Mr. Right that if this is going to work he is going to have to learn to tell me no once in awhile. He has to check me or I will destroy him. He says he doesn't want to. He says he just wants me to be happy. And I fight with him that if it's going to be an us, then it has to be about us, both of us, and not just me. I appreciate his love and concern but that's a dictatorship, not a relationship that I want to be involved in. Plus, if I get to be the boss 24/7, I will grow bored of him. I want to make him happy just as much as he wants to make me happy and if he's not willing to be open about his wants and needs, then I don't want to play. I am adamant with him about it and he finally agrees. I've never met someone that is so selfless and giving. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm glad he is not the selfish bastards I am used to dealing with. But I want him to be a man and let me know what he wants and needs as well. As much as this will probably blow everyone's mind, I don't want it to be all about me. It needs to be "we".

SUNDAY

Jose drove 4 hours down for the wake. We went together to say goodbye to our old friend. We saw a lot of our friends from college there and it was a bittersweet reunion. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we reminisced, we caught up, and we cried some more. And much to my own surprise, the first person I wanted to call when I got home...was Mr. Right.

My Apologies

I am very sorry for the hiatus. I've received a lot of correspondence begging for me to keep this thing up. I'm not sure how to fill you all in what has happened over the last two months. I'm going to try the short and sweet version and hope you can all keep up.

Balls is out. He left his baby mama for me and then turned into this wimpering, helpless, insecure 7 year old. He had no money, no plan, no self esteem. I told him he had to take care of him and figure out his life. The most we could be was friends. He still contacts me about once a week just to see how I am and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. He likes to pretend we didn't work out because he didn't have any money. I always remind him it had nothing to do with money. It's because he went just a bit crazy and was expecting me to do everything for him. I am nobody's mother and there's a reason for that. You are a grown ass man, take care of your business before you try galavanting up in mine.

Random #1 has graduated to a name. I'm calling him Mr. Right. Unfortunately, I don't believe he is Mr. Right for me. Fair dubbed him MRFS: Mr Right For Someone. He is hands-down the sweetest, most romantic, giving, loving, affectionate men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We have had a blast getting to know each other. All my family and friends adore him like he can walk on water and heal the blind. I adore him too. I'm just not in love with him. He's already told me he's in love with me. This freaked me out beyond any words I can possibly muster for you. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want such an angelic and loving man to love me? Because I will destroy him. Simply put. He's so sweet and nice and gives me whatever I want. I know, this sounds like a good thing. But, he never checks me. He never stands up for himself. And we all know what happens when I have someone like that in my grasp. It's like a giant holding a kitten. I want to love them and hold them but I end up squeezing them so hard their tiny little head pops off before I realize my brute strength. I don't want to destroy Mr. Right. I tell him very honestly from the get-go about MNS. I tell him I'm in love with another man. I tell him that I'm not over him. I tell him I don't know if I ever will be. Mr. Right doesn't care. He tells me I am the woman of his dreams and he will wait for me, whether it's a week or two years. He thinks I'm worth every second. When he says things like that and looks at me with all that love in his eyes, I feel pretty worthless. I want to love him the way he loves me. I want to make my family and friends proud of a decision of love once again. I want to be treated right and appreciated and loved with all of someone's heart. But I can't deny, the heart I want to love me is not Mr. Rights. Sadly, as always, it is MNS that I pine for.

MNS is still here, despite all my efforts to break the ties and heal. We've been through a ridiculous amount of bullshit the last two months to say the least. My cut off of my birthday lasted an entire three days without talking to him. That was a Tuesday night. He text me on that Friday as Mr. Right and I were driving to my parents for the 4th of July. I told him I was busy and leaving town. He text me Saturday to say he hoped I was having fun. As I watched my family drool all over Mr. Right I became very aggitated. I couldn't bring MNS here. I didn't know if he would ever be willing to come, even. Mr. Right was here, and having a blast, and wooing every person in sight. And I sat by the campfire staring at that message from MNS and fighting back tears. Try as I may, I just didn't have that chemistry or connection with Mr. Right. And believe me, I tried. But I couldn't stop comparing that little spark between Mr. Right and I to the raging inferno I felt towards MNS.

Anyway, I returned from home and that's when Mr. Right laid on me that he loved me. It sent me scurrying for the hills. I text MNS and asked him if we could talk. He was more than willing. I told him I was fucked up over us. I told him he had to let me go so that I could move on. I told him that I didn't believe he would ever be mine. He told me that he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't be long, he's missed me so much. He would do anything to keep me. Same old bullshit, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Well July 14th was an interesting day to say the least. It pretty much came down to me blowing everything with MNS and I out of the water. I called him out. I told him how much he sucked. How much he hurt me. How I wished he would just drop off the face of the earth and never return. He countered with he loved me, I make him feel amazing, he's so happy when he's with me. I gave him a list of demands that I needed. I told him if he couldn't abide by them, then not to bother ever contacting me again. He told me he would do them, wanted to do them, and would be an idiot not to.

Somedays It Feels Like My Hearts In A Turbo Salad Spinner

The weekend went the same as many in the past. MNS telling me he is going to try to see me and not coming through. Spending my nights hanging out with my girls, Balls and his crew. Texts and calls with Random #1. Out of the blue calls from Dom and Rebound, which I don't answer. Mob calling just to hear my voice and tell me he loves me. Sunday night Marine calls and wants to hang out but I'm too tired and it's late.

I wake Monday morning to a text from MNS saying he has to go into work and can't come over. I'm not shocked. I'm not even sure if I'm that disappointed. I mean, I am, of course but it's become the norm and perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to it. Perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to him. Does this have anything to do with Random #1? A little bit, I'm sure. There is just no comparison in the way they treat me. So why do I still love MNS when he's such a fucking dillweed?

You know those stupid forwards you get on your phone now? As if those didn't annoy me enough in email and now they've found their way to my cell phone. Anyway, I have one in there that I read Monday morning. It says the following "Wait until you find a guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot or sexy. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the person that kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world. Who holds your hand in front of their friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to their friends and says "there's my baby". Wait for the one that's true to you." I read it a couple of times. MNS can hardly return a text, can't keep his word on anything, I haven't met his friends (minus the St. Patricks Day incident) or family and we don't share much of anything anymore. Yommey is the only one that's met MNS and all my friends want to get shirts that say MNS SUCKS and wear them to his softball games. If we were on a version of love survivor, it's pretty obvious which one they would vote off the island.

Who's Hurting Me The Most? Not Him. I Am, I Am!!

WEDNESDAY

I didn't bother to text or email MNS this morning. We shall see how many days it takes him to notice. Balls and Random #1 are all up in my business non-stop. They are a brilliant distraction and I am thankful for that. I get a text from MNS at 3:30 in the afternoon saying "what's up babe? how's it going?" I tell him fine and leave it at that. No need for idle chit chat.

I spend a lot of time thinking in the evening. Both Balls and Random #1 are texting me non-stop and finally I tell them I'm busy so I can get a little me time. I tihnk about MNS a lot and what I want and what I believe that he cannot give me. It's daunting. I wonder how long this game between us will continue and I realize, it will continue as long as I let it. And I don't want to let it keep going like this. I'm about to turn 33 years old.

THURSDAY

I send MNS the following email:

MNS,
you were right. i have been pushing you to leave. i'm sorry for that. i figured out last night i'm pushing the wrong person. i should be pushing myself. you will leave whenever you're ready and it's your life. i, on the other hand, can only control my own and my reactions to yours. and, as much as i so want to be with you, i can't do this forever. so i'm going to give it to my birthday and if nothing has changed with your situation, then i will need to change mine. i just don't feel like i can enter 33 in the same mind set and playing this waiting game. i don't want to wake up 35 and you're still there tying things up and i'm like "what the fuck?" lol. if you're out by my birthday then great and we can move forward and see what happens. but if things don't change by then i am going to start seeing other people and exploring the dating scene again and leave you alone, as hard as that will be.

whenever you do decide to leave her, i truly hope that you call me and we can see where we both are at and hopefully give it a try if i'm not with someone else. i luv ya to pieces and i'm sure you understand where I am coming from. you've said you can't ask me to wait and just know that i made that decision on my own because i thought i would have you if i waited. and the thought of not having you in my life at all scares the holy fucking crap out of me. i hope i can still talk to you and see you a few times before july 1st. i'm just not going to be up your ass so much. if you want to see me, you will make it happen and i'm just going to roll with that and hope you do.

A few hours later he responds via text and says "interesting. so i'm on the clock now?" I tell him he's not on the clock but I am. I'm not being fair to myself. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me. I tell him he doesn't have to lose me. I get no response. If he wants to be with me, he will. I can't force him to do anything. This is all up to him now.

THURSDAY NIGHT

I go out for happy hour with the girls. Balls is up my butt and wanting to know where I am and who I'm with and if I'm having fun. Can I get a minute to breathe, please? Random #1 comes out and meets us for drinks. He's even more hilarious in person. We end up having a blast out and about. Then something terrible happens. I Amber Bock my phone. An entire glass. You know, my phone, my life line, my baby!! I fear it will never be revived and my night goes quickly down hill from there. Even though Balls is not out with us, his buddies at the club make sure to report back to him on every move I make. He keeps texting me but I can't reply on my barely alive phone. At the end of the night Random #1 comes in for the kiss and I totally kiss him back, all the while wondering what the hell I am doing. I pull away and give him a hug and call it a night.

FRIDAY

My throat feels like I swallowed a thousand rusty razor blades when I wake up in the morning. Yommey takes me to my car and I head back home to get some rest. Random #1 and Balls are both calling and texting to see if I'm ok. My phone is working a little better and I'm relieved for that. MNS texts me and says that if he can get away from work he would like to see me. It's a nice thought. I tell them all I'm going to take a nap and will talk to them later.

Balls calls me at 11:15 to see how I'm feeling. I tell him I'm a little better and he says that he has a surprise for me. I see his truck pulling in the driveway. I tell him he can't come in because I look like complete shit and haven't even showered. He doesn't care. We cuddle on the couch and it breaks my heart. He's so sweet and he likes me a lot. But his situation isn't much better than MNS's and I don't understand why I keep putting myself in these predicaments. Is Yommey right? Am I really so scared of being in a real relationship since Von that I pick the ones I know cannot turn into anything of substance? Some days I don't know. My phone starts ringing at about 11:30 and I have a slight anxiety attack, imagining it's MNS on his way over. What would I do? How would I handle the situation? Who would I pick? What the fuck am I doing? Balls is different than my situation with MNS. First of all, I think I will be the one to hurt him. MNS doesn't seem to have a heart on most days and would be fine if I didn't exist in his world. Balls would be very upset. I know this and he has told me repeatedly. My friends adore Balls and the way he looks at me and kisses me and talks about me. MNS barely knows my friends at all. But I know in my heart of hearts that if both were standing in front of me, readily available for the taking for infinity, I would choose MNS. Right or wrong, he has my heart and I've yet to be able to steal it back from him. I've snuck a few pieces of it loose, don't get me wrong. But overall, it's still his.

Once Balls leaves I spend the afternoon dodging any and all correspondence with any men. Yommey, Fair and I go to the club that night and hang with Balls and his buddies. He is a little crabby but still super affectionate and cute towards me. And really protective. Like, super over-protective. And it's not just that, it's his friends too. A few guys ask me to dance inside and I politely decline. A little later one of them comes outside to our table and says how he asked me to dance and I wouldn't and he wants to know why I blew him off. Before I can answer Ball's cousin says "Go ask her man if you can dance with her!" He points to Balls and the minute the guys eyes see Balls he slinks away. Now, that's not cool and I clearly do not have a man. When I say this outloud I can see shock and disappointment on Balls and his buddies faces. I'm sorry, but no man owns me. Plain and simple. I'm glad that you care and are concerned but do not mistake a few kisses and great conversation as possession papers on me. I'm not a car or an X-Box. And if you think I'm one of your toys, you best think again.