Who's Hurting Me The Most? Not Him. I Am, I Am!!

WEDNESDAY

I didn't bother to text or email MNS this morning. We shall see how many days it takes him to notice. Balls and Random #1 are all up in my business non-stop. They are a brilliant distraction and I am thankful for that. I get a text from MNS at 3:30 in the afternoon saying "what's up babe? how's it going?" I tell him fine and leave it at that. No need for idle chit chat.

I spend a lot of time thinking in the evening. Both Balls and Random #1 are texting me non-stop and finally I tell them I'm busy so I can get a little me time. I tihnk about MNS a lot and what I want and what I believe that he cannot give me. It's daunting. I wonder how long this game between us will continue and I realize, it will continue as long as I let it. And I don't want to let it keep going like this. I'm about to turn 33 years old.

THURSDAY

I send MNS the following email:

MNS,
you were right. i have been pushing you to leave. i'm sorry for that. i figured out last night i'm pushing the wrong person. i should be pushing myself. you will leave whenever you're ready and it's your life. i, on the other hand, can only control my own and my reactions to yours. and, as much as i so want to be with you, i can't do this forever. so i'm going to give it to my birthday and if nothing has changed with your situation, then i will need to change mine. i just don't feel like i can enter 33 in the same mind set and playing this waiting game. i don't want to wake up 35 and you're still there tying things up and i'm like "what the fuck?" lol. if you're out by my birthday then great and we can move forward and see what happens. but if things don't change by then i am going to start seeing other people and exploring the dating scene again and leave you alone, as hard as that will be.

whenever you do decide to leave her, i truly hope that you call me and we can see where we both are at and hopefully give it a try if i'm not with someone else. i luv ya to pieces and i'm sure you understand where I am coming from. you've said you can't ask me to wait and just know that i made that decision on my own because i thought i would have you if i waited. and the thought of not having you in my life at all scares the holy fucking crap out of me. i hope i can still talk to you and see you a few times before july 1st. i'm just not going to be up your ass so much. if you want to see me, you will make it happen and i'm just going to roll with that and hope you do.

A few hours later he responds via text and says "interesting. so i'm on the clock now?" I tell him he's not on the clock but I am. I'm not being fair to myself. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me. I tell him he doesn't have to lose me. I get no response. If he wants to be with me, he will. I can't force him to do anything. This is all up to him now.

THURSDAY NIGHT

I go out for happy hour with the girls. Balls is up my butt and wanting to know where I am and who I'm with and if I'm having fun. Can I get a minute to breathe, please? Random #1 comes out and meets us for drinks. He's even more hilarious in person. We end up having a blast out and about. Then something terrible happens. I Amber Bock my phone. An entire glass. You know, my phone, my life line, my baby!! I fear it will never be revived and my night goes quickly down hill from there. Even though Balls is not out with us, his buddies at the club make sure to report back to him on every move I make. He keeps texting me but I can't reply on my barely alive phone. At the end of the night Random #1 comes in for the kiss and I totally kiss him back, all the while wondering what the hell I am doing. I pull away and give him a hug and call it a night.

FRIDAY

My throat feels like I swallowed a thousand rusty razor blades when I wake up in the morning. Yommey takes me to my car and I head back home to get some rest. Random #1 and Balls are both calling and texting to see if I'm ok. My phone is working a little better and I'm relieved for that. MNS texts me and says that if he can get away from work he would like to see me. It's a nice thought. I tell them all I'm going to take a nap and will talk to them later.

Balls calls me at 11:15 to see how I'm feeling. I tell him I'm a little better and he says that he has a surprise for me. I see his truck pulling in the driveway. I tell him he can't come in because I look like complete shit and haven't even showered. He doesn't care. We cuddle on the couch and it breaks my heart. He's so sweet and he likes me a lot. But his situation isn't much better than MNS's and I don't understand why I keep putting myself in these predicaments. Is Yommey right? Am I really so scared of being in a real relationship since Von that I pick the ones I know cannot turn into anything of substance? Some days I don't know. My phone starts ringing at about 11:30 and I have a slight anxiety attack, imagining it's MNS on his way over. What would I do? How would I handle the situation? Who would I pick? What the fuck am I doing? Balls is different than my situation with MNS. First of all, I think I will be the one to hurt him. MNS doesn't seem to have a heart on most days and would be fine if I didn't exist in his world. Balls would be very upset. I know this and he has told me repeatedly. My friends adore Balls and the way he looks at me and kisses me and talks about me. MNS barely knows my friends at all. But I know in my heart of hearts that if both were standing in front of me, readily available for the taking for infinity, I would choose MNS. Right or wrong, he has my heart and I've yet to be able to steal it back from him. I've snuck a few pieces of it loose, don't get me wrong. But overall, it's still his.

Once Balls leaves I spend the afternoon dodging any and all correspondence with any men. Yommey, Fair and I go to the club that night and hang with Balls and his buddies. He is a little crabby but still super affectionate and cute towards me. And really protective. Like, super over-protective. And it's not just that, it's his friends too. A few guys ask me to dance inside and I politely decline. A little later one of them comes outside to our table and says how he asked me to dance and I wouldn't and he wants to know why I blew him off. Before I can answer Ball's cousin says "Go ask her man if you can dance with her!" He points to Balls and the minute the guys eyes see Balls he slinks away. Now, that's not cool and I clearly do not have a man. When I say this outloud I can see shock and disappointment on Balls and his buddies faces. I'm sorry, but no man owns me. Plain and simple. I'm glad that you care and are concerned but do not mistake a few kisses and great conversation as possession papers on me. I'm not a car or an X-Box. And if you think I'm one of your toys, you best think again.