My Apologies

I am very sorry for the hiatus. I've received a lot of correspondence begging for me to keep this thing up. I'm not sure how to fill you all in what has happened over the last two months. I'm going to try the short and sweet version and hope you can all keep up.

Balls is out. He left his baby mama for me and then turned into this wimpering, helpless, insecure 7 year old. He had no money, no plan, no self esteem. I told him he had to take care of him and figure out his life. The most we could be was friends. He still contacts me about once a week just to see how I am and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. He likes to pretend we didn't work out because he didn't have any money. I always remind him it had nothing to do with money. It's because he went just a bit crazy and was expecting me to do everything for him. I am nobody's mother and there's a reason for that. You are a grown ass man, take care of your business before you try galavanting up in mine.

Random #1 has graduated to a name. I'm calling him Mr. Right. Unfortunately, I don't believe he is Mr. Right for me. Fair dubbed him MRFS: Mr Right For Someone. He is hands-down the sweetest, most romantic, giving, loving, affectionate men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We have had a blast getting to know each other. All my family and friends adore him like he can walk on water and heal the blind. I adore him too. I'm just not in love with him. He's already told me he's in love with me. This freaked me out beyond any words I can possibly muster for you. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want such an angelic and loving man to love me? Because I will destroy him. Simply put. He's so sweet and nice and gives me whatever I want. I know, this sounds like a good thing. But, he never checks me. He never stands up for himself. And we all know what happens when I have someone like that in my grasp. It's like a giant holding a kitten. I want to love them and hold them but I end up squeezing them so hard their tiny little head pops off before I realize my brute strength. I don't want to destroy Mr. Right. I tell him very honestly from the get-go about MNS. I tell him I'm in love with another man. I tell him that I'm not over him. I tell him I don't know if I ever will be. Mr. Right doesn't care. He tells me I am the woman of his dreams and he will wait for me, whether it's a week or two years. He thinks I'm worth every second. When he says things like that and looks at me with all that love in his eyes, I feel pretty worthless. I want to love him the way he loves me. I want to make my family and friends proud of a decision of love once again. I want to be treated right and appreciated and loved with all of someone's heart. But I can't deny, the heart I want to love me is not Mr. Rights. Sadly, as always, it is MNS that I pine for.

MNS is still here, despite all my efforts to break the ties and heal. We've been through a ridiculous amount of bullshit the last two months to say the least. My cut off of my birthday lasted an entire three days without talking to him. That was a Tuesday night. He text me on that Friday as Mr. Right and I were driving to my parents for the 4th of July. I told him I was busy and leaving town. He text me Saturday to say he hoped I was having fun. As I watched my family drool all over Mr. Right I became very aggitated. I couldn't bring MNS here. I didn't know if he would ever be willing to come, even. Mr. Right was here, and having a blast, and wooing every person in sight. And I sat by the campfire staring at that message from MNS and fighting back tears. Try as I may, I just didn't have that chemistry or connection with Mr. Right. And believe me, I tried. But I couldn't stop comparing that little spark between Mr. Right and I to the raging inferno I felt towards MNS.

Anyway, I returned from home and that's when Mr. Right laid on me that he loved me. It sent me scurrying for the hills. I text MNS and asked him if we could talk. He was more than willing. I told him I was fucked up over us. I told him he had to let me go so that I could move on. I told him that I didn't believe he would ever be mine. He told me that he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't be long, he's missed me so much. He would do anything to keep me. Same old bullshit, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Well July 14th was an interesting day to say the least. It pretty much came down to me blowing everything with MNS and I out of the water. I called him out. I told him how much he sucked. How much he hurt me. How I wished he would just drop off the face of the earth and never return. He countered with he loved me, I make him feel amazing, he's so happy when he's with me. I gave him a list of demands that I needed. I told him if he couldn't abide by them, then not to bother ever contacting me again. He told me he would do them, wanted to do them, and would be an idiot not to.