Where to begin?

I'm not even sure where to start this bad boy. It's been over a year since I wrote on this. Sadly, it hasn't been much of an adventure to write home about. Let me see if I can remember some of the highlights. Or perhaps lowlights would be the correct term? I guess I will just let you decide.

-There was Dick. We had three great months in the winter. He was one of those deep, artsy thinking types I always think I’m attracted to. The conversation was remarkable and the sex was mind-blowing. He was about 6’5”, bald, dark and built like a lineman. Yeah, we had some good times. Then he started freaking out cuz he couldn’t be in a relationship and things were going to fast and what not. We decided to try and slow down a little. Apparently everyone has a different definition of “slow down”. I did not realize that slow down meant when I returned from visiting my father in the hospital and knocked on his door that I would notice another woman’s car in the driveway and he would refuse to answer the door and let me in. Pretty safe to say that things went downhill from that point. Saw him the other day at lunch. I don’t know what he was doing on my side of downtown but I’m not happy about it. In my head I had imagined he had gotten kinda fat and hairy and lost all traces of holy hotness. Sadly, he has not. He’s still beautiful and I kinda wanted to run over and jump him right in front of the Chinese buffet. But alas, I did not. He said hey. I waved and nearly harfed up my food. He left. That was it. Jackass. Thank God I had Mr. No Show to fall back on.

-Dutch Boy. That was a treat. Met in May. We had an instant connection. This insane spark I hadn’t felt in quite some time. He lived 2 hours away but we talked on the phone every day for hours on end and sent texts and emails throughout the day. I dare say I thought this might be it. I know, looking back now this seems fuckin’ ridiculous but I was completely enamored with him and I have no idea why! He was 8 years older, white, 4 kids and 2 divorces and a completely arrogant ass. Oh, and he wins the moody award. I’ve dated some moody fellows in my life but this guy was like the bitchiest lady you know the week of her period. He would seriously just “shut down” for about a week a month and throw fits and be a jerk and not talk. I know, I know. I can’t believe the way I felt about him. So you think I wised up and kicked him to the curb? Nope. It didn’t happen quite like that. It’s a bit more depressing really. My sister was going to be in his town on business 3 days before my 32nd birthday. They decided it would be fun to meet for a drink and swap stories about me. Instead, the drink turned into an entire night of drinks and flirting and well, he hit on my sister. Does it get any classier than that? No, I think not. I was a real wreck until Mr. No Show swooped in and saved the day.

- Professor Stalker. Met him in August of 07. We talked for a week or two and went on one date. He called me in the middle of the night a few days later and wanted me to come over. I was tired and said no and text me back that he didn’t think it was going to work out. I said that’s fine cuz if all your after is for sex, I’m not the girl for you because I don’t play the beck and call game. So we didn’t talk for a few months. Ran into him out one night and we talked for awhile and he said he was sorry and he was just going through some stuff before and asked for my number again. I, like an idiot, gave it to him and this time, I couldn’t get rid of him for anything. To this day he calls and texts me numerous times a day. Sometimes I just ignore it. Sometimes I tell him to leave me alone. He doesn’t get it. He says we are meant to be together and blah blah blah. The last text I sent him Saturday night (in response to three phones calls and 8 texts I didn’t answer) said Fuck off. I hate you! That didn’t work either. I’ll give him persistent…and brain dead. My yommey has told him repeatedly that she hates him and wishes he would just die and leave me alone and he still thinks she totally adores him and wants us to be together. This guy lives in his own little world. I just wish he would stay there and out of mine.

-Von is still in this town, living with his whore and their child. What amazes me is that the kid looks nothing like him. How does a white woman and a black man make a Hispanic baby? I know, quite the riddle, right? If you figure out the answer, let me know. I actually had a few conversations with him this summer. The kids were here and I got to see them which was great. No matter what happened between Von and I, I love those little dudes dearly. We had a really good time together when they came over. It was nice but weird knowing I may not see them again but hey, at least we’ll always have our day of fun and Kung Fu Panda. Von and I had a bit of a blow out when the boys asked if they could just stay with me instead. I suggested to him that if it was that bad at his house and he couldn’t afford the kids or give them the attention they needed that maybe they should stay with me instead. That didn’t go over well and I haven’t heard from him since. If you ever see an Amber Alert with those three kids on it, don’t wonder if it’s me…rest assured it is. Poor things.

Most recently was Vanilla. He was everything I should be in love with. Stable, secure, owned a great house, had a lot of money, liked to buy me anything I wanted and showed up more than once with flowers. He was a nice little small town catholic boy. But in that last word lies the catch. A boy. Think of the whitest “vanilla” frat boy ever…that’s what I was trying to date. He had just recently gotten out of a 8 year relationship/and engagement. I told him not to make me the rebound. He swore he loved me. He loved not being alone. And the ex was always harassing him and we all know how well I deal with crazy ass ex’s. Anyway, this one probably should’ve hurt more but it didn’t. Plus, it didn't help that he and my yommey had gotten into a bit of a verbal tussle and well, I can't have a man that can't love my best friend. It's just not happening. Oddly, I was so fine with the demise of this relationship it was pretty clear that it had been wrong from the start. Of course, I had Mr. No Show there to pad my fall as always. Are you noticing a pattern here? Sadly, I’m still talking to Mr. No Show over a year later. For good or bad, he has earned his own blog entry so stay tuned to find out what the status is on my dating guardian angel.