"Very, Very" Doesn't Make The Sorry Better

MNS did not show up on Sunday for our playdate. I know, I know, his name is Mr. No Show. I get that but I really thought we were making progress. Silly me for thinking I'd see him twice in three days. Apparently someone spiked my Cheerios with crack and didn't tell me I was being delusional. Him not showing up doesn't piss me off nearly as much as him not acknowledging that he stood me up. I had fought with him on Friday and forced him to take $20 to put minutes on his phone. Now, in my head, he would go get those minutes as soon as he left my place on Friday but his phone was off all weekend so obviously he did not. The whole point of giving it to him was so that we could be in better contact than just email. Sunday would've been a prime time to use those minutes to text me and tell me he could not make it over but he did not chose to use his phone-a-friend lifeline. Very stupid move, MNS, very stupid.

Sunday night I am torn between writing him an email and telling him to kiss my big, white ass, or just not contacting him at all and see how long it takes him to notice I'm gone. I fear he might not notice. By Monday morning Yommey and Fair convince me to call him out on it. I'm not a bitch, which is surprising. In fact, I'm pretty impressed by how calm and cool I am when I write it. It's straight to the point and matter of fact. Needless to say, it's very unlike me. I send it in the morning, knowing he won't be on until the afternoon and thinking I probably won't get a response even then. When I confront him he shy's away and it usually takes a few days. Here's what I wrote him.

me: So what happened to our play date yesterday that you pinky swore on? When I gave you the money for the minutes I figured you would use it as such so you would be able to text me and tell me if you weren't coming. I realize you're busy and I am too but I am willing to make time for you whenever I can, like taking Friday off to see you. You promised me repeatedly that you would make more time because you wanted to see me too. If that's not the case, you should let me know that now. I've told you a million times just be honest with me and communicate and we will be fine. I don't feel like I ask that much of you given the circumstances but I do need that.

He replies at 6 PM.

mns: I am very, very sorry. I did not mean to upset you so. I got busy doing some other things and lost complete track of time. I sincerely do apolagize. I will keep you in the loop and my phone will be on in the next day or so. I still have the money I have just been very busy. I am very sorry babe.

He got busy doing other things? I want to cry and kick him repeatedly. And saying very twice in a row does not make me believe you are any more sorry. You should be very to the nth degree sorry for being able to so easily forget about me you jackass. This is that dull blade stab through the heart reminder that as far as his priorities go, I am nothing. It hurts like hell.

me: i figured you got busy or forgot and that's what makes me feel crappy since i cleared my day, told my friends not to call and made some fun plans for us for the afternoon. makes me feel like an idiot cuz i was excited for it and you got busy and forgot. are you still at work? and are you coming over in the morning?

mns: Again I am very, very sorry. Yes I am still at work and I have to be here at 6:15 in the morning so I won't be able to come in the morning.

me: ok. have a good night.

mns: come on, please don't be angry with me, babe. I really am very, very sorry. :(

At this point I am driving down the freeway when the email pops up on my phone. I careen off at the next ramp and park in a residential area. Don't be angry? I was angry yesterday. Today I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself for settling and allowing this kind of behavior to be acceptable. I know if I don't say something now I will regret it forever. He needs to know how it made me feel and why I'm hurt. He can deal with it or not. That's his choice. I take a deep breath and compose the following message.

me: Im sorry too, babe. I was red hot pissed yesterday. Today i just feel stupid. I want to believe u like seeing me as much as i like seeing u. I really do but it's hard. I hate that u make me feel like a stupid girl. Im never insecure n i am with u n it drives me nuts. 3 guys asked me for my # sat nite n i blew them all off cuz i just want U but then yest i was like what am i doing? Hes home with his wife n im home alone. I dunno. Maybe im pms'ing or something but i was really upset. It will help once u have the mins to text. But again, if that was me i wouldve got them asap so we could chat. Just different for me i guess. Im not used to feeling 2nd best. Be patient with me while i figure out if i can get used to this scenario. U know how i feel about u so i want this to work...I hope u believe that...but right now i'm not sure it can. I need more of you and i don't know if you are capable or if you want to give it to me.

I hit send knowing that he has probably left work by now and won't get it until the next afternoon. That's okay with me. I need some time to process everything tonight. I love MNS. I love how I feel when I'm with him. I even think someday we could have a really great thing. It's the here and now that I'm worried about. I'm not sure I can last long enough for him to be divorced and mine and make me a priority. And it's not that I don't think he wants to be with me or loves me back. That's what's infuriating. I know he does but he's just so self-absorb and willing to be a stupid, thoughtless man that he has no idea what he's putting me through. And for that, I'm very, very angry.