Where to begin?

I'm not even sure where to start this bad boy. It's been over a year since I wrote on this. Sadly, it hasn't been much of an adventure to write home about. Let me see if I can remember some of the highlights. Or perhaps lowlights would be the correct term? I guess I will just let you decide.

-There was Dick. We had three great months in the winter. He was one of those deep, artsy thinking types I always think I’m attracted to. The conversation was remarkable and the sex was mind-blowing. He was about 6’5”, bald, dark and built like a lineman. Yeah, we had some good times. Then he started freaking out cuz he couldn’t be in a relationship and things were going to fast and what not. We decided to try and slow down a little. Apparently everyone has a different definition of “slow down”. I did not realize that slow down meant when I returned from visiting my father in the hospital and knocked on his door that I would notice another woman’s car in the driveway and he would refuse to answer the door and let me in. Pretty safe to say that things went downhill from that point. Saw him the other day at lunch. I don’t know what he was doing on my side of downtown but I’m not happy about it. In my head I had imagined he had gotten kinda fat and hairy and lost all traces of holy hotness. Sadly, he has not. He’s still beautiful and I kinda wanted to run over and jump him right in front of the Chinese buffet. But alas, I did not. He said hey. I waved and nearly harfed up my food. He left. That was it. Jackass. Thank God I had Mr. No Show to fall back on.

-Dutch Boy. That was a treat. Met in May. We had an instant connection. This insane spark I hadn’t felt in quite some time. He lived 2 hours away but we talked on the phone every day for hours on end and sent texts and emails throughout the day. I dare say I thought this might be it. I know, looking back now this seems fuckin’ ridiculous but I was completely enamored with him and I have no idea why! He was 8 years older, white, 4 kids and 2 divorces and a completely arrogant ass. Oh, and he wins the moody award. I’ve dated some moody fellows in my life but this guy was like the bitchiest lady you know the week of her period. He would seriously just “shut down” for about a week a month and throw fits and be a jerk and not talk. I know, I know. I can’t believe the way I felt about him. So you think I wised up and kicked him to the curb? Nope. It didn’t happen quite like that. It’s a bit more depressing really. My sister was going to be in his town on business 3 days before my 32nd birthday. They decided it would be fun to meet for a drink and swap stories about me. Instead, the drink turned into an entire night of drinks and flirting and well, he hit on my sister. Does it get any classier than that? No, I think not. I was a real wreck until Mr. No Show swooped in and saved the day.

- Professor Stalker. Met him in August of 07. We talked for a week or two and went on one date. He called me in the middle of the night a few days later and wanted me to come over. I was tired and said no and text me back that he didn’t think it was going to work out. I said that’s fine cuz if all your after is for sex, I’m not the girl for you because I don’t play the beck and call game. So we didn’t talk for a few months. Ran into him out one night and we talked for awhile and he said he was sorry and he was just going through some stuff before and asked for my number again. I, like an idiot, gave it to him and this time, I couldn’t get rid of him for anything. To this day he calls and texts me numerous times a day. Sometimes I just ignore it. Sometimes I tell him to leave me alone. He doesn’t get it. He says we are meant to be together and blah blah blah. The last text I sent him Saturday night (in response to three phones calls and 8 texts I didn’t answer) said Fuck off. I hate you! That didn’t work either. I’ll give him persistent…and brain dead. My yommey has told him repeatedly that she hates him and wishes he would just die and leave me alone and he still thinks she totally adores him and wants us to be together. This guy lives in his own little world. I just wish he would stay there and out of mine.

-Von is still in this town, living with his whore and their child. What amazes me is that the kid looks nothing like him. How does a white woman and a black man make a Hispanic baby? I know, quite the riddle, right? If you figure out the answer, let me know. I actually had a few conversations with him this summer. The kids were here and I got to see them which was great. No matter what happened between Von and I, I love those little dudes dearly. We had a really good time together when they came over. It was nice but weird knowing I may not see them again but hey, at least we’ll always have our day of fun and Kung Fu Panda. Von and I had a bit of a blow out when the boys asked if they could just stay with me instead. I suggested to him that if it was that bad at his house and he couldn’t afford the kids or give them the attention they needed that maybe they should stay with me instead. That didn’t go over well and I haven’t heard from him since. If you ever see an Amber Alert with those three kids on it, don’t wonder if it’s me…rest assured it is. Poor things.

Most recently was Vanilla. He was everything I should be in love with. Stable, secure, owned a great house, had a lot of money, liked to buy me anything I wanted and showed up more than once with flowers. He was a nice little small town catholic boy. But in that last word lies the catch. A boy. Think of the whitest “vanilla” frat boy ever…that’s what I was trying to date. He had just recently gotten out of a 8 year relationship/and engagement. I told him not to make me the rebound. He swore he loved me. He loved not being alone. And the ex was always harassing him and we all know how well I deal with crazy ass ex’s. Anyway, this one probably should’ve hurt more but it didn’t. Plus, it didn't help that he and my yommey had gotten into a bit of a verbal tussle and well, I can't have a man that can't love my best friend. It's just not happening. Oddly, I was so fine with the demise of this relationship it was pretty clear that it had been wrong from the start. Of course, I had Mr. No Show there to pad my fall as always. Are you noticing a pattern here? Sadly, I’m still talking to Mr. No Show over a year later. For good or bad, he has earned his own blog entry so stay tuned to find out what the status is on my dating guardian angel.

The Player on the "L" Word

It seems to be a gender phenomenon in the difference of the way we use the “L” word. In the defense of all men around the word, love can mean many different things. It is not necessarily a translation of “you are the only one for me and I’ll never look at another woman again”. Although, many times, when a woman speaks the word, this is what she means. I want to marry you, have your babies, meet your friends, shop with your mother and be the biggest part of your life. Men on the other hand can find meaning in love such as being horny, being tired, or just sick of fighting. It can be easier to just say it back. I’ve done it myself. Because really, how does one listen to a person say that they love you, and know that they mean it, and not say it back. It’s like if someone compliments the way you look and you slap them in the face and flick a booger at them. Very rude. And it’s not necessarily a lie. I’ve told two men I loved them when I wasn’t really “in love” with them. But I did LOVE them in my own little way, just not the way they thought I meant it. This is their own bad. They, as men, assumed that when I said it back that I meant it in the girly way and had suddenly decided to devote my life to their happiness. That’s bullshit. What about my happiness? Sure, you love me. But that still didn’t make you call yesterday when you said you would. And it didn’t keep you from dancing with that hooch at the club when you went out with your friends. And it doesn’t make you want to slip a four carat diamond on my finger does it? So, I will tell you I love you, if I deem necessary, to keep your ego afloat or simply, keep you from wondering why I don’t say it back.

A smart woman knows how to play back. Don’t get all wobbly-kneed and retarded just because he said he loved you. Talk is cheap and words mean nothing if not backed up by some serious actions. If your man claims to love you, make sure you can see it. Your friends can see it. People on the street look at you and know. Then, and only then, should you even consider throwing away the key to the treasure trove and declaring yourself off the market. Because, honey, god knows that even though he’s declared his love for you, he’s still waiting for the next treasure digging expedition to come along. This is how it works. So love all you want, partially. But don’t let three little words that come from a species that generally lies to protect his own ass at every turn make you into something that you are stronger than. Love and live. And don’t forget to live while you’re loving him. Just in case it doesn’t work out, you won’t be dead for the next one.

My Little Black Box

i'm not sure how i let this happen.
you couldn't have been more outside my little black box
i don't know why i responded to you at all
my friends asked me and all i could say
was something just told me too
i figured i'd take a chance
what was inside my little black box wasn't working for me
what could it hurt to try what was outside it?
it could hurt everything.
why?
because the people in my little black box couldn't hurt me
i wouldn't let them
that's the reason i chose them
i was in control. i was in charge.
i knew i could dispose of them long before they had a chance.
but you. you outside my box. perfect from the start.
everything i had believed had withered and disappated from my life.
you were all i had given up on.
so i gave you my all. and you took it.
and now my box is empty
along with my heart
and i'm back to feeling alone
i'm back to thinking this is my destiny
but what sucks the most is...
i don't want that box back.
i want to feel magical and happy
like i did with you,
if even for only a short time.
i replay the wonderful things you said
and the way you made me feel
and i'm angry and hurt and sad and missing you.
you asked me one night where i had been all your life
i told you we were practicing with the wrong ones
so that we wouldn't mess up with each other.
i guess you were just a practice run too.
too bad.
when you told me i was the one and you loved me
i almost believed you.
i almost believed in love.
i almost believed in myself again.

The Curse

Von accidentally called me tonight. Odd mix up, I realize. We chatted for awhile and I thought, ask him. He's the best source you have. Maybe he can explain your curse. "why is it so easy to fall in love with me and so hard to stay in love with me?" point blank, balls to the wall. he didn't seem to know how to react. i realize it might seem odd to ask him that but i really want to know and i figured, who better to ask than the man who shattered my heart? he fell in love with me and he fell out. he's a good resource. see i have this curse where people tend to fall in love with me, fast, too fast. how do i slow that down? i have no idea. most people think that would be a good thing but the problem is, it never lasts. they never stay in love with me. i'm the frickin houdini of making people fall in love with me. i wish i could just find one to stay that way.

so what was his answer? you're too nice. really? that's all you got? how jacked up is that? is it true then, nice guys finish last? men would rather be with some raving bitch than someone who will love them and sacrifice everything for them. seems odd. yet, it seems to be the truth. how do i change this? how do i act like someone i'm not? how do i break the pattern? it's like an abusive relationship and i'm doing it to myself. if only i could be that girl. demand too much. yell a little more. maybe throw a pan or two at his head when he pisses me off. why must i believe in communication and being adult? why don't i just throw a tantrum when i don't get my way? is that what men really want? is it really possible that i won't find true love, that will last, until i change the way i love? i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think that i want to. i wouldn't want someone to treat me like that. i don't think i could live with myself if i was that girl. and i guess being who i am and alone is more important to me than trying to be someone that i'm not just so they will stay.

If California Comes Calling

Today is MOB's birthday. He calls me before I can call him. I tell him that's not how it usually works. He says that hearing my voice was the only thing that he wanted for his birthday and he wanted his present first thing to start off his day. He asks when I will move back to be with him. I tell him when he gets a legal job, severs ties with his father, moves out of that gang-ridden hood and decide he loves himself as much as he claims to love me so the can turn his life around.


If California comes calling
please tell him I’m gone
I love California,
don’t get me wrong.
But he’s got a way
of breaking down fences
and the sound of his voice
means the loss of my senses.
Our pasts hold so much
but the future is finding
the memories we shared
aren’t enough to keep binding.
Though my love rages deeply
I must set him free
It’s what’s best for him
It’s what’s best for me.
My head can’t forget
the distancing miles
and pictures are all
I recall of our smiles.
The years that we loved
were priceless and magic
but the thing we call fate
has been rather tragic.
I’ll love him always
don’t get me wrong
but if California comes calling
please tell him I’m gone.

Hazel Eyes

i can't lie.

what i've done to you is unfair.

i wish i could tell you without hurting you.

i have been unfaithful, in my mind, in my heart.

i've let you believe that i love you too.

i'm not saying that i won't, but i can't say that i do.

right now, anyway, it's too soon to tell.

i know you think you love me.

you tell me everyday.

and because i am a coward, i have returned the sentiment.

i know that it's wrong. i wish i could take it back.

i wish i could tell you, when you smile at me and

stare into my eyes that i want to love you.

i want you with me.

i hope that this will work out.

but to be honest, i'm really not sure.

i'm no good at this game.

as much as i want to be in love again,

i'm not sure i believe anymore.

or worse, what if i convince myself that i love you

only for something to do or because you love me.

isn't that unfair and somehow worse?

why do you love me anyway?

perhaps if i knew that, it would be easier to sort out.

i don't want to miss you and love you and be hurt again.

can't you understand that and not rush me?

stop looking at me with those piercing hazel eyes when you're laying next to me.

stop caressing my hand and kissing my neck

and making me think you're going to stay for a very long time.

i realize that you think you love me

but, sadly, many men have claimed that before.

it's my curse.

i'm easy to fall in love with.

i'm impossible to stay in love with.

just wait. you'll see.

sooner or later you'll fall out of love with me.

and then it will be easier for both of us

if i didn't love you too.

easier for me to keep going.

easier for you to walk away.

you want all of my heart and i can't give that right now.

i need to keep a little bit of it. i just got it back.

and i'm not ready to let it go again.

unanswered

i'm not big on praying most of the time. i find god generally works with unanswered prayers in my case. guess you were another one .i asked him for a sign. any little sign to tell me what to do. i thought seeing your companies work truck every morning was it. i thought the sweet email you sent was another. i thought the yankees winning had to be one.i guess i only wanted to see the good signs. i mean, why would god keep reminding me of you every time i try to forget you? there had to be a reason, right? or perhaps i was desperate to hold on to you in my mind and god, fate and destiny had nothing to do with it. but i got my sign tonight. it was neon and flashing and surrounded by caution tape screaming danger. i'm not sure why i didn't confront you. maybe i knew all along in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart that something was awry? something was off. something was not right. that something was you. it was us. that something held your hand and looked at you adoringly. that something made me keep my distance while you tried not to stare my way. i'm surprised by myself. surprised at my lack of anger. surprised by my own naive surprise. why couldn't i see the clues? how could i not put this together? why did i want to believe you and believe in you? how could you have kept me in the dark like this? lied to me? deceived me? kept me hanging on to a shred of hope? another unanswered prayer. another night without you with many more to come. i hope you choke on the lies you told me. i hope your happiness fades. i hope you see a sign of me everyday and i hope it hurts...just as badly as seeing you tonight hurt me.

The Bull

i had an odd feeling getting ready tonight
something inside told me to stay put.
i didn't listen. i never do.
i will never let anyone make me a prisoner.
i am not afraid of anything life throws my way...
that's what i tell myself.
i smell you before i see you
and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise.
it's a familiar smell that once graced my pillow
i swallow the lump that forms in my throat
and plaster on a smile.
i notice those around me exchanging nervous glances.
they try not to be obvious but they watch you,
from the corner of their eyes, hoping you will turn
and leave before i know you're here.
they have no idea it's too late.
i felt you hours before you probably knew you were
going to come here yourself.
it's a sick thing this gift that i have.
sometimes it's a curse.
ok, perhaps i am afraid of somethings.
once i was afraid of never getting over you.
these days i'm afraid that i am over you, and love,
and all the feelings associated with it.
i always wondered why the matador stepped into the ring
waving that stupid red flag, knowing the bull would attack.
that's kinda how i see love now.
and i don't wanna be attacked.
i don't wanna be rushed.
i don't wanna be on guard and on the defense and defeated.
i convince my friends you won't talk to me.
everything will be fine.
you won't even know i'm there.
perhaps i'm trying to convince myself.
but i'm wrong.
i see you, the bull, staring at me from across the arena.
shit. there's nowhere to run.
all i can do is brace myself for the rush.
you approach and the blood pounds through my head so hard
it drowns out the music and crowd.
i don't want to let you come to me.
i want to attack you.
have you feel the heat.
have you sweat.
i want to smack you so hard you disintegrate into a million little pieces.
i picture this. POOF!!
i imagine picking up one tiny bit of your ashes off of the floor,
in between my fingers,
then blowing it away in the wind with one small breath,
only to vanish forever.
this is what i want to do to you.
make you go away,
have no affect on me,
disappear from my life, once and for all.
why did you have to love me?!?! i scream inside my head over and over again.
it's strange, i suppose, i never ask why you had to leave.
i ratherwish you would've never loved me in the first place
so i wouldn'thave had to deal with the bull.

SHE

She has no idea she's beautiful
how her smile lights up the room
and puts everyone at ease.
her eyes sparkle like the sun setting on the sea when she laughs, which is often.
when she looks in the mirror
she sees a million imperfections
when i look at her, i see my hero.
she is gentle and strong
fierce and forgiving
innocent and smart
she is the glue.
she is a rock.
she has the softest shoulders in the world, if you're crying
she has the stiffest upper cut in the place,if someone hurts you.
she's the friend you can call no matter the hour.
when she hugs you, you know everything will be ok.
she's not afraid to say what she feels.
she's not afraid to dream the big dream.
most importantly, she's not afraid to try love again
even though her heart has been shattered.
she just picks up the pieces
because she thinks practice makes perfect
and one of these days she'll find one who deserves her.
and i think she's right.

My Favorite Lie

We belong together
for eternity and more
because our love could never die
these are the things
that ring in my head
these are my favorite lies.
How much you miss me
How you did me wrong
How you still love me so
You can't live without me
I am your world
you said these are things i should know.
We'd build a life together
no one could come in between
it was you and me against the world
i was your true love
i was your best friend
you said i was your dream girl.
but you walked away
and never looked back
to pick up the pieces was all i could do
but i can't pretend
that there aren't things i don't miss
my favorite lie was lying with you.

closure

i guess i wanted some closure.
isn't that fair after all that you did?
shouldn't i get a chance to tell you just how angry i was?
two days in a room with no windows, just the sound of my voice
and the rage in my eyes.
i wanted you to cry like i did, for days and for months,
each day being a struggle to face alone.
i wanted you to have your heart ripped out and hung from the raftors,
dripping slowly until it beat black and died, while everyone watched.
i wanted you to know the pain of loss.
i wanted to rip away your dreams.
i wanted you to feel...just one more time...to feel something towards me.
but you hid, like a coward, knowing you did wrong.
unable to face the demolition you caused
not just to me, but to all that loved you.
you ran and i couldn't chase you anymore.
i realized, you were not worth the fight.
i knew i would never forgive you.
have i forgiven you know?
or is it just that i don't care anymore?
not to be mistaken for weakness on my part.
i could never forget, but perhaps that's not a bad thing.
i will forever be on my toes now.
if this was a battle, i don't want to be the victor.
that would mean someone else would go through what i did
and i don't wish that upon anyone.
even you.
and then you call, out of nowhere, to see how i am.
what did you expect me to say?
why is it that i didn't release the wrath upon you
like i had dreamt of doing so many times before?
because something in your voice wasn't right.
you were only the man that hurt me.
you were not the man i once loved.
and there was nothing left for me to get off my chest.
as much as it nearly broke me at the time, i know i'm better off without you.
you always said you didn't deserve me.
i think that was the one thing you were honest about.
it took me a long time to realize that.
but hearing your voice the other day did nothing.
i wasn't happy, i wasn't sad, i wasn't angry.
it's odd to say, but you're nothing to me now.
just a memory that seems distant and surreal.
although anti-climatic and lacking the revenge i thought i desired,
i finally have my closure.

My Old Loves

i got a message yesterday i wasn’t expecting.
heard you are coming back to town.
we make plans to meet up.
i wonder how it will be.
it’s been 1 1/2 years since we have seen each other.
i’m sure you’ve changed so much.
so have i.
mostly on the inside.
i think about the last time i held you in my arms
and how i cried when you drove away.
at the time, i thought i would see you again soon.
i still thought i would have you forever.
now, we’ve been reduced to occasion phone calls and picture updates.
sometimes i miss you so much it makes my heart hurt.
i wonder what will become of you.
will i know you all my life? will you forget about me as time passes by?
have the good times we shared slipped through the cracks of a memory that is older now?
then i wonder, how you will react to her?
your fathers new love?
will you like her more than me?
will she treatyou right?
does she have any idea how special you are?
how big your hearts are?
how sensitive you can be even when you try to act tough?
does she know how macaroni rolls?
will she sing ice ice baby and baby got back with you?
take you camping?
help you carve pumpkins?
will she hug and kiss you goodnight and pray before she closes her eyes for your safety and that you someday accomplish all of your dreams?
will she support you when you are down?
make you laugh if you have a bad day at school?
stand up for you no matter what?
or will you even know her at all?
I know i can no longer concern myself with those thoughts.
i am no longer a part of your life in that capacity
but i hope you will always know that i love you dearly.
that will never end.
i am no longer to be your step-mother
but i pray that i will always be your friend
and always hold a special place in your heart,
just as you guys do in mine.

Here we go again

Well, i'm back, party people. May have wondered what happened since my last posting. yeah, most days i wonder too. i moved away with Von, you remember, that man of my dreams? We got engaged. Started a wonderful new life together and planned for a brilliant future. Oh, and then one day he came home and said he didn't feel like a man anymore and he needed some space to work things out so he could take care of our future instead of me taking care of everything. It sucked. I'm not gonna lie. My heart was broken. But he assured me he still loved me and couldn't do right by me until he took care of him. That was September, Labor Day in face, of last year. Well guess what happened while we were working things out and i was still continuing to pay for his sorry ass and support him emotionally and sleep with him daily? He knocked up some random girl from the bar. yes, you know, the best way to work things out with the love of your life is to bang stupid chicks that give you std's and get pregnant on purpose. well, he made his bed and he has to lie in it. and what a nasty bed it is. and this bitch is fugly! but that's neither here nor there. dude has messed up his life beyond any point of rebound and i wash my hands of it. but if he walks into my bar again with her, i'm going to fuck his world up in a heartbeat. i played nice two weeks ago cuz i didn't want the drama. but step up there again and see what happens you flippin moron. we'll see who blinks faster.

so anyway, i saw a bunch of randoms throughout the summer. had a few hopes for a couple of them but to no avail. so today i wipe the slate clean and I've offically gotten rid of all of the summer flings. Today was the last straw for the last one. After him asking me to go to lunch Saturday morning so we could talk about "us", where he filled my head full of crap and made promises he couldn't keep... why should i be surprised? he didn't even last 12 hours. we made plans to go out saturday night and he didn't show. sunday he wondered why i was mad. didn't hear crap from him monday or tuesday besides a few random texts. tonight he texts to say hey and see what i'm doing and basically kiss my ass. which is precisely what i end up telling him to do: kiss my ass goodbye.
spent the last few nights meeting some other fellas. not sure if any of them will be blog worthy material but hey, they are entertaining for now. and a heck of a boost to the self-esteem. there are two that are standing out from the pack a little. We shall call them Teej & CR. we'll see if they can hold their own for awhile. if nothing else, they make my work day go faster with their flirty emails. and they're both pretty hot. setting my hopes on nothing to avoid the disappointment. lol. oh sure, i shouldn't assume that all men will disappoint but let's be realistic here. look at what has come before these guys. mostly a highway full of heartbreak road kill. sure, i'm trying to detour but who knows if i'll get lost. there could be a bridge out or i could make another wrong turn that takes me a long time to get back from. who knows? i'm no rand mcnally and my 8 ball ain't talking so i'm just gonna meander down this road and see what happens i guess. perhaps i'll stumble across a magic hidden road that leads to an oz like place where all my wildest dreams and fantasies will be fulfilled? ha! not expecting a life long companion. maybe i'll just find a good friend or someone to help me pass the time so i don't feel like a lonely hobo walking alone. and maybe, just maybe it will be easier now that i finally found myself.

and you may be wondering what ever happened to Mob and Rock? Well they still call and tell me how much they love me and miss me and wish we could be together. but neither of them are capable of putting their money where their mouth is so...they're of no use to me right now.

so i'm off like magellan on a new conquest. and who knows what this adventure could entail. stay tuned and find out. you know it's always entertaining. much love. the player.

Monday's Masochist

It's Monday. It's been a busy weekend of moving, again. I just want a place I can call my own. I want the chaos surrounding my love life to end. I want to stop loving my ex. I want my stalker to leave me alone. I want a million dollars and a killer body. I wake up to find my dreams did not deliver on any of those desires. I am bummed. I step on the scale and I gasp. There is a number staring back at me. A number I swore I would never see in my weight again. 270. Fuck. Last year at this time I was melting away the pounds. My weight started with a 2 again instead of the 3 it had begun with for so long. I lost 50 pounds. I felt fabulous. I was never going to stop! Then the perfect little life I had planned so meticulously crumbled around me. I lost my fiance. Moved out of my apartment. Lost my job. Worst of all, I lost hope. I lost my drive. For a long time, I lost me.

So there I stand until the number fades off of the scale. I have gained back 16 pounds of my 50. Doesn't sound like much in the big scheme of things to some people, I'm sure. Well, you go lose 16 pounds real quick and easy then, sucker. Let me know how it goes. It is a lot. But it wouldn't matter if it was 5 pounds or 35. The point is, I'm going the wrong direction. I'm getting lost in the current of chaos again. This is the one thing I actually have control over and I'm just blowing it. I glance towards my closet and see the bridesmaids dress I have to wear for my brothers wedding in 14 weeks. It doesn't zip all the way up. I ordered it at the peak of my weight loss. I love my family more than anything in the world and I can't let them down cuz I'm too fat to be in the wedding! As I step off the scale, something inside me breaks. Hooray, it wasn't my heart this time! I think it was my lazy bone. My excuses. My feeling sorry for myself. My half-ass attitude. I pack a healthy lunch, grab my gym bag and head to work.

9 a.m.
I'm talking with some co-workers and somehow we get on the subject of triathlons. I've always thought triathletes were crazy. Who does that for fun? Doing a triathlon sounds like about as much fun to me as selling American flags door to door in Iraq. But I find myself saying, "We should do one." A couple of them agree. I tell them we can all train together and see if we can get the company to sponsor us when we do it. I hit the web and start checking out triathlons so that I can be more familiar with what I've signed up to do. I realize quickly that I'm an idiot. But that's not going to stop me. There are a lot of 16 week training programs. True, these are for people who probably aren't 110 pounds over weight but since when would I let common sense stop me? I can do this. I'm not going to do it thinking I'll win. I just want to finish it. I want to say I did it. And I know training for this will guarantee I can get in the dress for my bro's wedding.

2 p.m.
It's a beautiful day outside. I'm done with all my clients at work. I leave early and hit the gym. I do 1.5 miles on the treadmill. It takes just under 30 minutes. I don't run yet. I'm too scared. After that I get on the bike and ride 3.5 miles in 10 minutes. Not bad. I'm keeping up a pretty good pace. That will definitely be my easier of the three events. I leave the gym happy. It's a beautiful day and I got some good cardio in. I call my friend and see what he's doing. He's being a bum and playing Playstation. I tell him to get dressed. I pick him up and we go for a walk. Another mile. I'm feeling pretty good. 6 miles today. Pretty sure I can't tell you the last time I went that far and it wasn't by car.

But How Will I Sleep

I take Von home in the morning. He calls me on my way to work. We text each other throughout the day. Even over text messaging he knows just how to make me smile. Rock calls while I’m at lunch. I can’t bring myself to answer.

8 PM
To the bar with Von, FB and Sassy. Drinking and darts. Although I love them both, FB and Sassy are a terrible couple. They fight constantly! And both play too many games. Sassy actually has the nerve to look at Von and I and say “Why do you guys always have to be so happy and lovey-dovey? Don’t you ever fight?” And she’s serious. Von tells her “It’s called love and support. You two should try it.”

12 PM
We leave the bar and Von insists he has to sleep at home tonight. I know he’s right. We’ve barely spent a night apart yet. Still that doesn’t make it any easier to kiss him goodbye. I’ve become quite accustomed to sleeping next to him. I love it. But I can tell he’s getting worried that we’re going to fast again, as am I. I feel like there’s something else on his mind too but I’m not sure what it is. I try to lure him with my feminine wiles but I can tell he’s serious so I drop it and kiss him goodbye. He makes me promise to call him when I get home. I do and we wish each other sweet dreams. I toss and turn the whole night wishing he was next to me. Talk about being frickin' spoiled!

Seriously, Take A Hint

Took Von home in the morning. Talked on the way to work and at lunch. Big Tongue called me in the afternoon but I didn’t answer. Eventually he’s going to have to figure this out, right? I mean, seriously! When I don’t answer my phone, he sends me an email. Then tries IM’ing me. I make sure my status says “busy”. I contemplate changing it to “I got a new man so leave me alone” but didn’t know how that would go over with my co-workers.

9 PM
Von and I go to the bar for a little bit. Neither of us are in very good moods. Although being together makes it a little better. We head home early and make sure we’re both feeling much better before we fall asleep. Big Tongue and Fury both call while Von and I are doing it.

A Mother Just Knows

Von and I have discussed numerous times the way his family felt about his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Bitch. No one liked her. Every person I’ve met from his past has congratulated him on “finally leaving that crazy bitch”. His family refused to go to his wedding. The first time his mother met her she looked at Von and said “I don’t like this bitch. Get her out of my house.” Now is not the time to dwell on the fact that he married her anyway and fell for her little traps. Let’s just focus on the fact that his mother actually has never liked a single one of his girlfriends. In the 13 years he’s been dating she approved of one. This little fact terrifies me and he knows it. He tells me she’ll love me because she’ll know how happy I make him. I tell him I shall delay our meeting as long as possible. And I’m not kidding. This should be easy. She lives across the country and doesn’t like to travel. I’m in the clear. If there’s one thing I’m scared of ruining this wonderful fairytale Von and I have going on, it’s mama. I can woo the boys. They’re young and don’t know any better but mama, lord oh lord, mama could really mess this up. After the fiasco of a life he had with Bitch, he’s not going to ignore mama’s warnings again.

We finally get up and go downstairs and begin whipping up a late morning breakfast feast. As I’m preparing the hashbrowns his phone rings. I hear him say “hey mom”. I smile, assuring him that I have the cooking under control and he goes outside to talk for a little while. After about 10 minutes he returns and hands me the phone.

Me in a harsh whisper: Who is it?
Von: My mom. She wants to talk to you.
Me: Hell no!
Von: C’mon.
Me: No!

I begin running around the kitchen in circles. He chases me, holding the phone out. He catches me and sees the fear in my eyes.

Von: Please?
Me: But I’m scared of her.
Von: It’ll be fine. Please.

I take a deep breath and take the phone. I’m nervous at first but she’s pretty cool. A straight shooter who doesn’t bullshit about much of anything but it’s oddly refreshing. I hold my own okay. Twenty minutes later she’s telling me she hopes I can come out and visit next time Von goes to see her. I am flattered by her offer and tell her I’ll be sure to come with him. She also makes it very clear that she despises Bitch and everything about her. At least I have that going for me. I’d have to do something pretty evil to ever compare to the foul crap that Bitch has pulled on Von. Mama asks to talk to Von again. I put him on the phone and he steps into the living room. I hear him say goodbye and take a very deep breath. I walk in and look at him. He says, “I have to sit down.” Oh shit. She hates me! I knew it! Damn, damn, crap! How am I gonna fix this? “Are you okay?” I ask. “Did she say something bad about me?” Von shakes his head. “She said that you’re a keeper and not to let you get away.” I find myself having to sit down too. “Wow.” He takes my hand. “Yeah, wow.” I smell the bacon burning.

After breakfast we head to the store so that he can do some fix-it stuff around the house and in NYC and Teach’s bathroom. We grab the parts we need, peruse the appliances aisle and debate which refrigerator we would want. In line for the check-out I spot one of those dream houses books. I pick it up and we start flipping through. We decide to buy it.

Once we get home and he’s done playing Tim The Tool Man Taylor we lie on my bed and break out the dream house book. We have almost the exact same taste in houses. We both wrinkle our noses at some and drool over the others. We look and look and talk like “well, we could add a hot tub back here.” And “that could be the game room with the pool table.” It’s fun. We find a doozy of a house. Mansion really. And we both instantly know it’s for us.

Von: That’s the one.
Me: It’s gorgeous.
Von: It’s perfect for us. The boys can each have their own room. This will be your office and this can be for our little girl.

I stop.

Me: I thought you said you didn’t want any more kids?
Von: I thought you said you wanted a girl.
Me: Well yeah, but…
Von: Then we will have a beautiful little girl.

I smile.

Von: Have you named her yet?
Me: Alexis.
Von: What about a middle name?Me: I hadn’t even picked a father for her. Figured I’d save the middle name until she was real.
Von: What about Destiny?
Me: Alexis Destiny?
Von: Yeah. What do you think?
Me: I think I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what I ever did to deserve you.

I cry. He holds me. I want so badly to tell him I love him. I want him to know that I don’t care how fast it seems like we’re going, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I want to explode with happiness but I can’t stop crying. And he just rocks me in his arms.

Another Test

Ran errands with Von. He didn’t say a word about my stupid mouth the night before. In fact, if it’s even possible, I think he’s happier than I’ve seen him yet. Maybe I’m just imagining that. Who knows.

We have plans to go up to Ronnie’s tonight and meet some of the old school friends. I’ve never been so excited for my friends to meet my boyfriend…EVER! I know they will fall completely head over heals for him, just as I have. And he’s excited too. No apprehension whatsoever. I remember once trying to get MOB to go over there and meet my friends. He acted as if I asked him to drown his first-born child in a bathtub of fecal matter. But not Von. He can’t wait. We get caught up in an afternoon of rolling around in bed which slightly delays our trip to Ronnie’s house. But eventually we summon all our will power and get ready to go.

NYC and Teach go up with us. Ronnie and two of his roommates, Bach, Luk and Bama are all there. We barbeque and play cards and poker and generally shoot the shit. Von fits in like he’s always been a part of our clique. Even Ronnie seems to really like him. I watch Ronnie and Bach watch Von watch me. And when they see the way he looks at me and holds me and smiles at me, they know I’m going to be okay. This guy is not an asshole like MOB. That they can see immediately. It seems as if I finally made a good decision in the love department. I know I have. But there validation only makes me feel that much better about it.

We leave at midnight and Von has nothing but wonderful things to say about the friends I hold so dear to my heart. Knowing they feel the same about him brings the night to a perfect close.

I Straddled Him On The Porno Couch Like No One Else Was There

Dropped Von off in the morning. He called me on my way to work to tell me he wasn’t going to have the boys this weekend. I’m a little disappointed. I was really looking forward to spending time with them. On the other hand, I’m relieved. Things are perfect between Von and I. What if his sons don’t like me? Then I’m totally screwed. Best not to rush that. Although I’m sad for him not getting to see them.

MOB emails me throughout the day. He wants to come to the bar tonight and meet Von. I tell him I don’t think that’s a very good idea. He promises me that he will be on his best behavior and only wants me to be happy. As much as I want to believe him, I know I can’t.

9 PM
I head to the bar with Von, Dorothy and Vagina Jane. FB, Sassy, Crazy James, Asia, Mary Poppins, etc. are all there. We play darts and drink excessively. MOB calls and asks if I’ll come pick him up and bring him back to the bar. I tell him I’m too drunk. I’m getting enough dirty looks from Gloves, Froggie and Sam who are sitting next to me at the bar. I don’t need MOB up there acting the fool as well.

2 AM
MOB never shows up. Guess he couldn’t get a ride from any of his “friends”. Not my problem. Another night of drama dodged. A bunch of us head to my house for after hours. We make egg sandwiches, smoke more, drink more and act like we’re in a “who can talk the loudest” contest. All the talking is hurting my head.

Von sits down on the couch and I sit next to him. Dorothy and Vagina Jane are standing next to us chatting. Dorothy mentions wanting to go to Vegas for her birthday in a few weeks. Von lights up with excitement. “Do you wanna go, bear?” He asks me. And I blurt “Yes! But we can’t go to Vegas!” He asks why not. “Because you’re still technically married and if we go to Vegas I’m gonna want to elope!” The minute I’m done I want to throw myself into the fireplace. Did I just tell him I want to elope? Two weeks together and I just blurted out in front of a viewing audience that I would marry him? I’m waiting for him to make a Road Runner fast dash for the door, never to be seen again. I feel my heart rise up in my throat. I probably just completely fucked this up. Why am I an idiot?! I can’t even look at him. But I can tell he’s looking at me. He pulls me down for a kiss. Not a word or a look of fear or looking at me like I’m completely insane. Just a sweet kiss, as if he knows I’m freaking out, to tell me it’s okay. I straddle him on the couch and attack him to thank him for not running out on me.

I’m sitting on the couch watching my friends, too tired and drunk to join in on the conversation. I begin to fade out. I feel someone put a blanket around me. I feel the warmth of two lips on my forehead.

4:30 AM
I wake up to the warmth of two lips on my forehead. Von takes my hand and leads me upstairs. He tucks me into bed and cuddles up against me and we drift off to sleep. I dream of us getting married at the drive-thru chapel by an Elvis impersonator. We’re not driving a pink Cadillac but it’s a Cadillac Escalade which is completely pimped out. My ring is out of a gumball machine but it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

6 AM
I awake from my dream and decide to wake him up with a few soft kisses of my own. He gladly accepts my apology.

Gentleman

I drop Von off at 8 am on my way to work. He calls me at 8:45 to tell me to have a good day. I think about him the entire morning. I call him at lunch to see how his day is going. I pick him up on the way home from work. We hang with Teach and grab some dinner, waiting for NYC to return from her two month trip in the Big Apple. When the shuttle van finally pulls up we bum rush her with hugs. The man driving the van pulls out her three bags, which look as if they weigh about 100 pounds apiece. By the time Teach and I loosen our grip on her, Von has took it open himself to lug each of those heavy bags up the stairs and to her room for her. She’s impressed. I beam. I want to scream “Isn’t he the most awesome guy, ever?!?!” But luckily I refrain. I first want to hear about her trip and if things worked out with her longtime, long distance boyfriend. Von comes downstairs to get a glass of water. I tell him I’ll be up in a second. He gives me a kiss and smiles and says to take my time and catch up with NYC. He assures me he isn’t going anywhere. And I know he means that more than just tonight.