My Little Black Box

i'm not sure how i let this happen.
you couldn't have been more outside my little black box
i don't know why i responded to you at all
my friends asked me and all i could say
was something just told me too
i figured i'd take a chance
what was inside my little black box wasn't working for me
what could it hurt to try what was outside it?
it could hurt everything.
why?
because the people in my little black box couldn't hurt me
i wouldn't let them
that's the reason i chose them
i was in control. i was in charge.
i knew i could dispose of them long before they had a chance.
but you. you outside my box. perfect from the start.
everything i had believed had withered and disappated from my life.
you were all i had given up on.
so i gave you my all. and you took it.
and now my box is empty
along with my heart
and i'm back to feeling alone
i'm back to thinking this is my destiny
but what sucks the most is...
i don't want that box back.
i want to feel magical and happy
like i did with you,
if even for only a short time.
i replay the wonderful things you said
and the way you made me feel
and i'm angry and hurt and sad and missing you.
you asked me one night where i had been all your life
i told you we were practicing with the wrong ones
so that we wouldn't mess up with each other.
i guess you were just a practice run too.
too bad.
when you told me i was the one and you loved me
i almost believed you.
i almost believed in love.
i almost believed in myself again.

The Curse

Von accidentally called me tonight. Odd mix up, I realize. We chatted for awhile and I thought, ask him. He's the best source you have. Maybe he can explain your curse. "why is it so easy to fall in love with me and so hard to stay in love with me?" point blank, balls to the wall. he didn't seem to know how to react. i realize it might seem odd to ask him that but i really want to know and i figured, who better to ask than the man who shattered my heart? he fell in love with me and he fell out. he's a good resource. see i have this curse where people tend to fall in love with me, fast, too fast. how do i slow that down? i have no idea. most people think that would be a good thing but the problem is, it never lasts. they never stay in love with me. i'm the frickin houdini of making people fall in love with me. i wish i could just find one to stay that way.

so what was his answer? you're too nice. really? that's all you got? how jacked up is that? is it true then, nice guys finish last? men would rather be with some raving bitch than someone who will love them and sacrifice everything for them. seems odd. yet, it seems to be the truth. how do i change this? how do i act like someone i'm not? how do i break the pattern? it's like an abusive relationship and i'm doing it to myself. if only i could be that girl. demand too much. yell a little more. maybe throw a pan or two at his head when he pisses me off. why must i believe in communication and being adult? why don't i just throw a tantrum when i don't get my way? is that what men really want? is it really possible that i won't find true love, that will last, until i change the way i love? i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think that i want to. i wouldn't want someone to treat me like that. i don't think i could live with myself if i was that girl. and i guess being who i am and alone is more important to me than trying to be someone that i'm not just so they will stay.