On My Knees...

Yommey, Mr. Right and I decide to go out for a drink tonight. It’s been a crazy week and we could all use a little rest and relaxation. We pick a bar just up the street that has some specials and a dart board. We’ve only been there for a couple drinks when my phone rings. It’s my parents. My heart races. They never call me on Wednesday nights unless something is wrong. I let it lay on the table and vibrate. “Something is wrong. Someone’s dead.” Yommey laughs at me and tells me to stop being a tard and answer the phone. I do and I know instantly by the sound of my mother’s voice that I was correct. Something is terribly wrong. I don’t remember much of the conversation. It all goes a little blurry. I remember her telling me that my cousin, who was like a little brother to me was found dead. I remember falling to my knees, tears streaming down my face, sobs sailing from my throat and handing the phone to Yommey so she could talk to my mother. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up and not knowing if I would ever find the strength to stand back up again. My mother told Yommey they didn’t have many details but would call as soon as they did. She told us not to make the 3 hour drive home until morning. I think she told us to pray.

After that it was a barrage of phone calls and crying and what the hell happened? He was 25 years old. Why would he take his own life? I felt bad for Yommey and Mr. R, watching while my family fell into splinters of ourselves, trying to piece it together, trying to make sense of it all. I remember their tears as well. Sitting next to me, holding my hand, tears rolling down their faces and I took call after call and fought to keep my sanity. Fair left her date and rushed to be with us as well. I was thankful to have them by my side. I couldn’t have done it alone.

I don’t remember if Mr. R stayed that night. I think I convinced him to go home. I sobbed in my bed for hours and talked to my family. I got up, knowing I was not going to sleep a wink, and wrote poems for him until 4:30 in the morning. I could not shut off my brain. I slept for an hour or two and then was awake again talking to my brother and my sister, my uncles, my cousins. Grasping for answers and anything to make it feel better. Nothing was working. Yommey went to work and we planned to leave for home as soon as she got done. I started pulling every picture of my cousin together and making a video for him. I sat at the computer like a possessed woman trying to edit those pictures and music together. It was hard to see through my swollen eyes that continued to gush. My head was beating so hard from lack of sleep and crying that I didn’t know if I could finish this project or not before we left. As I sat at the table, on the brink of giving up, I heard the front door open. There was Mr. R. He wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me so tightly. Told me he couldn’t get through the day at work knowing I was home alone and hurting. He made me lunch, picked up the house, helped me finish the video and pack my bags. And more importantly, he was there, next to me. And I knew he always would be, for as long as I would let him.

Kinda Like A Bob Ross Painting...

I'm happy. All week I have felt happy and relieved and excited for the future. I like it. Everything I look at has a new glimmer about it.

This is day 5 without MNS. He called from work this morning. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. When the number came up on my phone my stomach dropped and my heart nearly beat out of my fucking chest, but I knew I couldn't answer. We have nothing to say. I don't want to be sucked in ever again. He can't make me as happy as Mr. Right. I know this. Hell, everyone knows this. I was just the last one to admit it.

With Mr. Right I have a future. I have the potential for marriage and babies and love and support and security and understanding. He doesn't bring any drama. He helps me diffuse any that comes my way. He listens. He makes me laugh. He loves me and it's obvious. He fits in with my family and friends so well and I couldn't ask for more on that front. All I can really say about him is that he's super swell. If I get too mushy, Fair and Yommey will totally make fun of me. All you need to know is that I can't stop smiling and there's a pep in my step the last few days. Love is a crazy fucking ride.

A Great Day For An Epiphany

FRIDAY

MNS came over in the morning. I hadn't seen him in two weeks so it was nice. It was a short visit, as always. He was running between plants at work and stopped by to see the new house and me. And of course, to get a little loving. He had a different air about him. He was excited and seemed happier than I have seen him in awhile. His thoughts and plans of leaving soon were obvious. I think it was his being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel that made him giddy. Of course, when he spoke of leaving her very, very soon, I asked what the plan was. He said to leave. I said, when? He said soon. I told him that wasn't a valid plan. He left and sent me a few texts later in the morning. I reiterated to him that since we couldn't go away Saturday night for our romantic retreat, like we had planned, that I would like him to come over to the house Saturday night. He didn't reply. I tried calling him later in the afternoon and his phone was off. Since he had disabled his email, somewhat at my request, and I knew he had left work to go play softball, I had no way to get a hold of him. I figured I would just hear from him on Saturday sometime.

Spent the night with my besties, and Sissy and Mr. Right. We had a wonderful time catching up and shooting the shit on the porch. Although, earlier, at happy hour, me and the besties saw Professor Stalker. He saw us. Made sure he got close in case I wanted to talk, but then, luckily, left us the hell alone. It gave me the heebies just looking at him. Blech!

Anyway, the night was going along splendidly and I was having a lot of fun. Then I got a call from Jose. A friend of ours from college, and a former roommate of mine, had died this morning. He was 34 years old. He leaves behind a wife and three children under the age of 5. I couldn't even believe it when he told me. I called some of our other friends and they confirmed the devastating news. As I sat talking with Fair, Sissy and Mr. Right a million thoughts ran through my mind. First of all, how blessed I am to be so loved and have the most amazing support system in the world. I seriously have the most wonderful friends and family a woman could ever ask for. There is so much love around me, my heart could never be empty.

Mr. Right was so worried for me and my loss. I knew if there was anything that could be done to make it better, he would be more than willing and able. I assured him that all I needed was a few laughs, a few hugs and it would be ok. He, of course, gave me all of that and then some. I would catch him looking at me, with such concern on his face, and he would just smile and touch my hand and I did feel better. I wondered if I should call MNS. Why couldn't he make me feel better. Because his phone is off. Because he's too busy with his life. Because he's a piece of shit and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. This is my reality. This is my hard truth.

Mr. Right stayed the night since we had all been drinking. Plus he didn't want to leave me alone and I didn't want to be alone. Like a perfect gentlman, he didn't try anything at all. He slept next to me in the bed, holding me while I cried myself to sleep and stroking my hair. It was nice having someone next to me. It was nice having someone who cared and who listened. I thought about my friend's passing. It seemed like such an injustice. How would his family, wife and children cope with losing him? It made me pretty pissed at God for a hot minute. Why not someone like me? I'm not saying I'm dispensable or that people wouldn't miss me and be hurt but I have no spouse. I have no children. Hell, right now, I don't even have a job. Why someone like my friend that had so much going for him and so many people to be left behind.

I wondered, if it had been me, if MNS would've made time out of his busy schedule to come to my funeral or not. Well, if anyone could've gotten a hold of him to let him know. And I thought to myself, as Mr. Right slept close behind me...if you have to ask yourself that, you have a serious fucking problem, lady. Why are you wasting your time with someone like this? I realize, these are questions many people have put to me many times before regarding MNS. I guess, I just needed a tragic eye-opener to put things in perspective for me. I want to be married again someday. I want to have a family. I have wasted two years of my life on this guy whom, in the bottom of my heart, I don't believe can ever be the man I want him to be.

SATURDAY

I rolled over in the morning and watched Mr. Right sleep. It didn't make me feel weird he was in my bed. I didn't want him out of it either. I snuggled up behind him and kissed his shoulder. He has put up with so much shit and drama and bitchy-ness from me and yet he stands by my side, no matter what. And I know he will not go anywhere. Ever. He wakes and we chit chat for awhile. He again brings up going on a trip together to get away and instead of telling him he's crazy, I tell him I can't wait. His smile and genuine excitement is enough to make me giggle. We lay in bed and begin to plan our trip to the Bahamas.

Later that afternoon I try MNS's phone one more time for confirmation. It is still off. I erase his work and cell phone number from my phone. MNS has got to go away. I have got to find someone that wants the same things out of life as I do and is willing to work on that together. I want to give Mr. Right the chance he deserves, without having to compete with MNS.

SATURDAY NIGHT

I talk to Mr. Right for an hour before bed. He senses a difference in me the last 24 hours. I do too. I apologize to him for what I have put him through the last few months. He reiterates that he doesn't care how long he has to wait. He thinks I am worth fighting for and he truly believes we are meant to be together. I know that he means it. He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He's not into smoke and mirrors and plate spinning like MNS, as Fair would say. I tell Mr. Right that if this is going to work he is going to have to learn to tell me no once in awhile. He has to check me or I will destroy him. He says he doesn't want to. He says he just wants me to be happy. And I fight with him that if it's going to be an us, then it has to be about us, both of us, and not just me. I appreciate his love and concern but that's a dictatorship, not a relationship that I want to be involved in. Plus, if I get to be the boss 24/7, I will grow bored of him. I want to make him happy just as much as he wants to make me happy and if he's not willing to be open about his wants and needs, then I don't want to play. I am adamant with him about it and he finally agrees. I've never met someone that is so selfless and giving. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm glad he is not the selfish bastards I am used to dealing with. But I want him to be a man and let me know what he wants and needs as well. As much as this will probably blow everyone's mind, I don't want it to be all about me. It needs to be "we".

SUNDAY

Jose drove 4 hours down for the wake. We went together to say goodbye to our old friend. We saw a lot of our friends from college there and it was a bittersweet reunion. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we reminisced, we caught up, and we cried some more. And much to my own surprise, the first person I wanted to call when I got home...was Mr. Right.

My Apologies

I am very sorry for the hiatus. I've received a lot of correspondence begging for me to keep this thing up. I'm not sure how to fill you all in what has happened over the last two months. I'm going to try the short and sweet version and hope you can all keep up.

Balls is out. He left his baby mama for me and then turned into this wimpering, helpless, insecure 7 year old. He had no money, no plan, no self esteem. I told him he had to take care of him and figure out his life. The most we could be was friends. He still contacts me about once a week just to see how I am and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. He likes to pretend we didn't work out because he didn't have any money. I always remind him it had nothing to do with money. It's because he went just a bit crazy and was expecting me to do everything for him. I am nobody's mother and there's a reason for that. You are a grown ass man, take care of your business before you try galavanting up in mine.

Random #1 has graduated to a name. I'm calling him Mr. Right. Unfortunately, I don't believe he is Mr. Right for me. Fair dubbed him MRFS: Mr Right For Someone. He is hands-down the sweetest, most romantic, giving, loving, affectionate men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We have had a blast getting to know each other. All my family and friends adore him like he can walk on water and heal the blind. I adore him too. I'm just not in love with him. He's already told me he's in love with me. This freaked me out beyond any words I can possibly muster for you. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want such an angelic and loving man to love me? Because I will destroy him. Simply put. He's so sweet and nice and gives me whatever I want. I know, this sounds like a good thing. But, he never checks me. He never stands up for himself. And we all know what happens when I have someone like that in my grasp. It's like a giant holding a kitten. I want to love them and hold them but I end up squeezing them so hard their tiny little head pops off before I realize my brute strength. I don't want to destroy Mr. Right. I tell him very honestly from the get-go about MNS. I tell him I'm in love with another man. I tell him that I'm not over him. I tell him I don't know if I ever will be. Mr. Right doesn't care. He tells me I am the woman of his dreams and he will wait for me, whether it's a week or two years. He thinks I'm worth every second. When he says things like that and looks at me with all that love in his eyes, I feel pretty worthless. I want to love him the way he loves me. I want to make my family and friends proud of a decision of love once again. I want to be treated right and appreciated and loved with all of someone's heart. But I can't deny, the heart I want to love me is not Mr. Rights. Sadly, as always, it is MNS that I pine for.

MNS is still here, despite all my efforts to break the ties and heal. We've been through a ridiculous amount of bullshit the last two months to say the least. My cut off of my birthday lasted an entire three days without talking to him. That was a Tuesday night. He text me on that Friday as Mr. Right and I were driving to my parents for the 4th of July. I told him I was busy and leaving town. He text me Saturday to say he hoped I was having fun. As I watched my family drool all over Mr. Right I became very aggitated. I couldn't bring MNS here. I didn't know if he would ever be willing to come, even. Mr. Right was here, and having a blast, and wooing every person in sight. And I sat by the campfire staring at that message from MNS and fighting back tears. Try as I may, I just didn't have that chemistry or connection with Mr. Right. And believe me, I tried. But I couldn't stop comparing that little spark between Mr. Right and I to the raging inferno I felt towards MNS.

Anyway, I returned from home and that's when Mr. Right laid on me that he loved me. It sent me scurrying for the hills. I text MNS and asked him if we could talk. He was more than willing. I told him I was fucked up over us. I told him he had to let me go so that I could move on. I told him that I didn't believe he would ever be mine. He told me that he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't be long, he's missed me so much. He would do anything to keep me. Same old bullshit, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Well July 14th was an interesting day to say the least. It pretty much came down to me blowing everything with MNS and I out of the water. I called him out. I told him how much he sucked. How much he hurt me. How I wished he would just drop off the face of the earth and never return. He countered with he loved me, I make him feel amazing, he's so happy when he's with me. I gave him a list of demands that I needed. I told him if he couldn't abide by them, then not to bother ever contacting me again. He told me he would do them, wanted to do them, and would be an idiot not to.