Conversations That Shouldn't Go Down Over Email But Do

FRIDAY
MNS tells me he is going to try to get off work early so he can come see me and we can talk before I leave town. He doesn't. Tre and Marine are both emailing and texting me that they would like to meet soon. I will delay this as long as I need to. Both are fine to talk to but my heart is with MNS. Friday night I get hammered with Sissy and Yommey and the next morning as I'm scrolling through my drunk outgoing texts/calls and emails I see one to MNS. It says "baby, it's too bad you don't love me like I loved you. Have a good one. I'm out." What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really send him an email telling him I love him? That's just great. I'm sure he won't run, screaming down the street away from me now. Nothing like scaring a man off, right? And via email? When I'm sloshed? Very classy. Ugh.

SATURDAY
I send MNS an email and tell him to disregard any drunk emails from the night before. As if he could just forget that he read the words I wrote and that it contained the "L" word. Within an hour I get a response to my long email to him. It pops up on my phone and I look at Yommey. "I can't deal with this right now." I'm in an emotional state today already and I don't want to read that it's over between us and I scared the crap out of him. She tells me I can do it so I open it up.

Oh so your a drunk e-mailer? lol. I got crazy busy yesterday sorry about that. I did want to see you. As for your long e-mail that you sent me I want to explain a few things. Yes, I am going to leave her and I have not changed my mind. Actually things are getting crazier and I really have to get out to keep my sanity. I need to get a place to live, of course, and then I need to get a vehicle. We have two. One is a piece of crap and the other is ok so I need to get a vehicle so that when I leave I will have my own transportation. And yes I would like to see where we can go but I need to get out of my current situation. I can't keep dragging you in to this mess. If you can't wait or don't want to wait I completely understand. I realize it is a messed up situation but I hope that you do.
I just need to get out and get my own place and a vehicle and then things will be great and we can really be together. I can't give you a definite time frame. I have been discussing it with my mom and it will be sometime in the near future. I hope I have answered some of your questions. I will talk to you soon.

Ok, that could've went much worse. I respond to him and tell him that I hope it is soon and that I will try to wait, it's not easy but I think we are worth it. Then I do something crazy, even by my standards. I tell him that if he needs to get out he can always crash with us until he can find a place. I realize the situation would not be ideal but if it gets him out of there and into my arms, well, I don't care. He replies with "thank you. that means a lot!!! more than you will ever know." We will see how that turns out. I highly doubt that he will be moving in any time soon but I just wanted him to know the option was there if it had to come down to that. I know what you're thinking. And no, I haven't lost my freakin' mind. It wouldn't be like we were moving in together. It would be him crashing with me and Yommey until he can get his own place. That's it. Plus, the guys never home between work and softball and bowling and basketball. It's not like we'd notice him around much. But I would get to wake up next to him and see him every day and that would be a fucking dream come true. It would let me know right away if this has a future or not. If he snores and chews with his mouth open, doesn't take out the trash and refuses to put the toilet seat down...those are good things to know. Also, it wouldn't be a permenant situation. It's a few weeks tops and then he can get his own place and Yommey and I can move into our house and MNS can visit whenever he wants. That was a lot of ands...

Are You For Real?!?!

Ok, so remember how I poured my heart out to MNS in my letter to him Tuesday? How I pretty much told him I love him and don't want to live without him but I will if I have to? That he needs to give me the things I need and a timeline on when we can really be together? Well, I didn't expect a reply for a few days. My friends made their wagers on the day he would reply and Yommey won. He replied last night and I almost wish he hadn't. When my phone alerted me I had an email from him I almost had a coronary. I was scared to read it but there was no reason to be. Here's what he wrote to my long and beautiful email that I spent hours on. Prepare yourself...

MNS: I will get back to you on that tomorrow. Miss you!!

What in the flying fuck?! That's it? That's all you got? I will get back to you tomorrow? I'm not asking for a reservation for two at a fancy restaurant! I'm asking for your heart and your soul and a commitment to us and you will get back to me on that tomorrow? I am completely flabbergasted. I'm speechless and we know that never happens. I know he's probably getting ready to leave work and thought he was doing a good thing by recognizing that he got the email and planned to reply but dang! I write him back.

Me: Are you for real? I just poured my heart out to you. Wow. Well I guess I will wait for tomorrow for a response and by tomorrow you better not mean in five days.

Yommey, Apprentice and Fair all think it's a good thing. How can this be a good thing? I'm bafflfed. They see it as positive that he acknowledged receiving the email and that he did plan to respond when he had time or after he could think about it. Plus, he could've just wrote, I'm sorry, I can't. So I guess that's kind of true. But for me, I just want to know and I want to know now. Yes, you can do it or no you can't. And the "miss you!"...well, that's just mean. Keeping me strung along when you know how much I adore you. He knows I miss him every single flippin' day. I feel like now he's just toying with me. And he should miss me. I haven't heard shit from him since Friday and that was another two liner. You're about to miss me in a big way, mister, if you don't pull your head out of your ass and get a plan. We will see if he actually does "get back to me" on it or not today. If he's smart, he will and it will be well past a two sentence email and explanation, unless it just says "I left her last night. I'm all yours." That's about the only two sentence response I'm going to accept at this point.

Because Steve Harvey Said I Can

MONDAY
I've been reading a book on dating by Steve Harvey. I'm inspired, I'm devastated, I'm humbled and my eyes are open. I didn't hear from MNS at all over the weekend. Not that this is different from any other weekend, mind you, but he had told me Friday that he would call me Saturday morning so we could get together. I'm upset. And the more I read in this book the more upset I get. MNS doesn't love me. As much as we both want to pretend he does, if this book is even close to true on how men think, then we have nothing. I think about it all day long. I vow if he doesn't contact me before I leave work I am going to take some advice from the book and lay it on the line for him. I don't hear from him and I follow through on my vow.

TUESDAY
I write it. I read it over and over. I write some more. I read it again and again. I know that sending this is probably sealing my fate and ending a very important chapter in my life that is MNS. I don't believe deep in my heart that he can come through on the things I need. If I tell him outloud that I need them and he doesn't come through, then I have no choice but to walk away, even though it will mean a broken heart. But I know that my heart cannot mend from MNS until I deal with the reality of us. This is what I wrote him. I'm not sure what I expect him to answer or when. I figure it will take two or three days. And then I will be forced to start to heal and move on. At this point I'm not sure anything he could reply could save us.


MNS-
Obviously, I would've rather had this talk in person but that doesn't seem feasible lately so here it is. Please read this and let me know what's up.

Things I Know...

I know that you’re busy, you are stressed and you have a lot on your plate. So do I.
I know that you say you care about me and “us” and that you will leave her.
I know that no matter how busy I am, I will make time for you. I know that if you felt the same as me, you would too. Even if you couldn’t give me a night or a weekend or a nooner, you could find two minutes to text, IM, email or call…if you wanted to.
I know you are trying to tie up loose ends. I know because you’ve been telling me we’ll be together when “the time is right”. I’ve been hearing that for almost 20 months. Nearly two years. That’s a lot of time. I don’t know what’s taking so long because you won’t tell me. I’m starting to think it could be another two years before you’re ready.
I know I can’t wait that long. I know I shouldn’t have to. I have been more than patient and understanding. I know what I need but I don’t know if you can or are willing to give it to me. I have no idea how you feel about me these days or if you feel anything at all.
I know I want you and I want to give us a try but I can’t half-ass it anymore.
I know that there are always options and we can figure out any problem, no matter how big or how small, if you let us. I know you don’t have to do this alone and that I’m here for you and I hope you know that too. I know that I think you are amazing and strong and kind and you make me feel wonderful.
I know I'm not at all scared of what our future holds but I’m scared of never having a chance to show you what happiness is.
I know I deserve more than having to share you.
I know you have the best of intentions and don’t want to hurt me. I don’t think you realize how much not having you tears me up. Empty promises of how you will try and how much you miss me and that you will make time for me and we will be together in time do not keep me warm at night they only make me feel worse when you break them.
I know I don’t want to take you away from your work, playing sports, watching them, hanging out with the guys, your family, your friends or your son. I don’t want to change any of that but I would like to be a part of some of it.
I’m not asking you for the world. I just want you to call when you say you will and keep me in the loop and make time for me. I need to feel like I matter to you. I want to work towards something with you.
I know that I’m in denial of our reality so I’m just going to put it out there and ask you to answer me honestly.
If you want to be free of her and with me, then what is the plan? What is the time line? What do you need to get done before that can happen? If you really want out, finding you a place to live is easy and we can take care of that. At least you'd be out of the house and free until you can file for the divorce. There are options.
Do you care about me or am I simply a brilliant distraction from the misery of home and a place you can escape to?
Can you show me that I matter to you and you don’t want to lose me?
I want to be able to spend our birthdays together and watch you play softball and take a weekend to go to Green Bay and go on a date together and just one morning wake up next to you. I think I’ve earned that.
I want to know when I can have these things. A month? Six months? Another year or two? I don’t need it tomorrow but I need to know that’s the end goal and that you want it to and are seriously working for it. If it’s not and you don’t, then I know that I have to try to move on, no matter how much I will miss you.
And if you’ve changed your mind and you are not planning on leaving her, then you need to tell me that, no matter how much it’s going to hurt because I can’t keep putting my life on hold for someone who will never be mine.

And that's it. That's all I can say to him. That's all I can give him at this point if he can't give anything to me.

I get a text from Mob that simply says "Smile, your beautiful!" I needed that this afternoon. It felt good to read it and I tell him that. He replies "You don't need anybody to tell you that, boo. You and the girls are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm pretty sure your family and friends feel the same way. You are truly a blessing to anyone who knows you. I love you." As dysfunctional as Mob and me are, sometimes I need him to lift me up like that. I need to know someone loves me, even if he's thousands of miles away.

Dom calls me a few times during the day and convinces me to bring my car into his work so he can look at it. I know it's just an excuse for him to see me but it does need a touch-up, so I go. I could've walked out of that shop with a brand new ride and not paid a penny if I wanted to. If I wanted to use Dom like that and give him what he wanted but I can't. I adore Dom as a friend, and yes, I tease him when I feel like it to keep him in my pocket, but I won't use him for things like that.

They Are Coming From Everywhere

Rebound calls me Thursday afternoon. He says he is hoping to see me soon. I tell him that we can probably arrange something. It's kind of nice to hear his voice, although I don't know why. Perhaps it's only because I've gotten like two emails from MNS that day and I'm starving for attention.

FRIDAY
I get a text from Hazel Eyes telling me how much he misses me and thinks about me every day and that I am so cool and so sweet and he wishes he could see me again. I find this odd and out of the blue but it's nice to read. I like making an impact on people. Little do I realize that the text from Hazel Eyes opens a flood gate of contact from others I've known in the past.

I get one email from MNS the entire day. It says "today is stupid busy. I will get ahold of you tomorrow morning so we can get together." I highly doubt that I will hear from him but hope that I am wrong.

I chat with Mason via text in the evening. Q texts and I don't answer, same as I haven't answered him in weeks. Ronnie calls while I'm drinking wine on the porch and we spend half an hour laughing and catching up. It's my favorite call of the day.

I lie down in bed and my phone starts going crazy. The first call is Rebound. He asks if he can take me out tomorrow night. I remind him that my family will be in town and that I am hanging out with them and that rules out Sunday as well. He's not giving up that easy though. He asks if he can come see me tonight when he gets off work then. I look at the clock. I tell him I can try to stay awake. He says if he can come over he will leave work early to come see me. In the short 20 minutes it takes him to get to my house Dom calls twice, Hazel Eyes and Shorty text me and Dutchboy starts texting me as well. Dutchboy wants to have phone sex and I tell him he's retarded and if he's looking for that he can call a 900 number and pay $1.99 a minute. What the hell makes them all try to contact me in the same half hour?

Rebound walks in the door and gives me a huge hug and kiss. He talks excitedly about how much he missed me this week and how beautiful I look. Really? I'm in NFL's old torn and tattered t-shirt, my hair is in braids, I have washed my make up off and I have my glasses on. I'm sure I look smoking hot, dude. Rebound honestly doesn't seem to notice. We tussle in the bed for awhile and then talk. I'm falling asleep as he blabs on and on and I'm having a hard time focusing and answering his questions. Finally, he catches on and rises to get dressed. He's still asking questions while he gets his stuff together and I'm totally zoning out. He apologizes for keeping me up so late but is glad I let him come over.

I don't hear from MNS Saturday morning. I'm not shocked. I am, however, insanely pissed off that I'm not shocked and that I have become accustomed to his flakiness and lack of follow through. What has happened to me? Why do I put up with his shit? Who have I become?

Someone Get This Man His Cell Phone!!!

Since our nooner on Monday MNS has been pretty on point. We go from jackshit last week to hearing from him every day this week, as it should be, I might add. I fear I'm about to see him on the evening news if the phone company doesn't get his phone figured out ASAP. It was supposed to be on Monday, then they said Tuesday because they had to "port" his number if he wanted to keep it. Whatever the hell that means. Last night he emailed me and said he's about to tell them to kiss his ass, if that's ok with me. I have to laugh at this because I had told him that he better not be kissing up on anyone else so he asks permission to let the phone company kiss his ass. I tell them they should kiss his ass and he should leave the fun places to kiss for me. Today we are trying to figure out when we can see each other next. We've both been working ridiculous hours and my family is coming to town this weekend. We are hoping for a nooner tomorrow or a possible play date Saturday afternoon. I'm hoping for the nooner. A-because it's sooner and B-because I've never gotten to see him on a weekend and I fear if we plan for that it won't work out. He could always join me Saturday night if he wanted to meet and hang with the family. Ha! Oh man, sometimes I totally crack me up.

I haven't heard from Rebound since Monday. I'm ok with that for now. I wouldn't have time for him this week with my work schedule and then he would just feel more blown off. Of course, if MNS disappears again anytime soon then I will be completely annoyed with Rebound for disappearing. I know MNS thinks my pockets are clear and I do feel kind of bad for my hook-up Saturday night. Then I remind myself that he is married and although he wants me all to himself and says I'm all his, that's not the reality of the situation yet.

I hadn't heard from Q in awhile and was hoping that he had finally given up and deleted my number. Unfortunately, he has not and he text me today to tell me good morning. I don't respond. I haven't responded to him in weeks since I told him to leave me alone. If he texts me again I might respond with "who is this?" That should cut a little bit and maybe make him retire for good. Who knows though. The kid's head seems to be made of bricks.

I'm bored at lunch so I decide I will entice MNS a little bit, as if he needs more persuading to want to sleep with me. I take a picture on my phone of my thighs and send it to him in an email entitled "riddle". Inside it I write "do you know what this is a picture of? do you know what I want between them?" Totally cheesy with just a dash of trashy but trust me, he will love it.

It's Raining, It's Pouring...In More Ways Than One

MONDAY
I wake up to the sound of rain pittering against my window. It's dark and dreary and I desperately want to stay in bed. I think of how nice it would be to spend the day cuddling with MNS. Then I remember that MNS sucks the goat and I remind myself that he's too busy blowing me off. I get up and shower and drive to work in the rain.

Pella, Muscles and Shorty all send me IM's in the morning. I chit chat a bit and then tell them I need to get back to work. Shorty wants to get together soon. I tell him my week is already booked and my family is coming this weekend. Perhaps next week? Mason texts me to see how my Easter was. Hazel Eyes sends me a text that catches me a little off guard. It says "I really miss you. I wish I was there. I like you so much. I think about you all the time. U r so sweet and cool." I haven't seen Hazel Eyes since about last year at this time. We've talked off and on since then but, really? Odd. The dudes hot, I'll give him that. Let him pine for me. If he makes a trip here to see me I wouldn't slam the door in his face. Let's just put it that way.

MNS emails me to ask how my Easter was, how my day is going and to tell me he is getting a new phone tomorrow so we can chat. I write back and say my weekend was crazy and Easter was good. He asks if that's it. Is anything new with me? I say nothing's new and tell him to have a good day. Apparently he was wanting more of my usual sappy, stupid and hanging on his every word reaction. I just didn't have it in me this morning. He responds with "Don't be upset with me, babe." I tell him I'm not upset and leave it at that. He replies "Just for the record, I love talking with you and doing other things with you. I like the texting and talking we do. Every thought of you brightens my day. I just want you to know that. Anyway, not much going on here, bored at work." I don't respond. He writes me again and says that he knows I'm mad and I need to just talk to him. This is funny to me since I'm always the one preaching communication. I tell him that I'm angry. I tell him he made me three promises last week and he broke every one of them. He didn't put the minutes on his phone, he didn't come see me on Sunday and he said I would never go 10 days without him again. That's why I'm angry. He responds that if his calculations are correct that today is day 10 and he still has 13 hours to make it right. Technically, this is day 10. He asks me to meet him over lunch. I mull this over for about, oh, three full minutes before I agree.

MNS walks in and I melt like a Cadburry egg on a 145 degree sidewalk. He says he wants to show me just how much he missed me...and he does. Of course it's amazing, as usual but it doesn't solve anything. We shoot the shit and cuddle for awhile. I don't want to leave his arms. My throat is dry and I have a minor coughing fit. He asks if I'm ok. I say I'm dying. He tells me that I can't. "Can't what? Die? Why?" I ask and laugh. "Because then what would I do?" He kisses me. "I don't know, get another mistress?" He pulls me in for a tight squeeze against his naked body. "I don't want anyone but you. You're all I want." I'm now the mushy goo on the bottom of a shoe that was once a Cadburry Egg on the sidewalk. We kiss and cuddle and laugh and complain about having to leave each other and go back to work. I hold on to him as long as I can, not knowing when I will see him again. He knows why I do it and tells me that he can't wait to see me again. I joke that May is just around the corner. He teases me that May is more than 10 days away. I remind him that the deal is 10 days or less and if he's a smart man that wants to keep me happy as he claims he does, it will not be on day 10 again.

I return to work and Rebound calls. He's mushy and sensitive in an oddly macho way. He asks if he can see me tonight. I tell him I'm busy and he says that's cool but he hopes he can see me again soon. I can't explain to him why I can't see him tonight. I cannot tell him that I had a nooner with my married fake boyfriend over lunch and two guys in one day is even too much for a promiscious girl like myself. He's already made it very clear to me that if we continue to hit it off that he doesn't share well with others and would want me to himself. It sounds like a very familiar personal code that I used to preach myself. Those days seem like forever ago. Rebound calls again around 8 pm just to see how my night is going and tell me he's thinking about me. He hopes he can see me tomorrow or Wednesday. I tell him we will play it by ear but I'm sure it will be soon. He continues to prod me with questions about myself and I answer a few but quickly change the subject. Again, I'm just not sure I want to let him in yet at all.

I do want to get to know Rebound better. Can I do that without letting him get to know me? It's not so much because I think we have a future of any sort but because I'm selfish and I think he may be a brilliant distraction between the 10 days I have a feeling I will go without MNS every so often. And because I want to go out on dates in public, and have someone that can stay for more than an hour at a time, and thinks I'm the cat's fucking meow. Not to mention he eats it like a bulimic at a barmitzvah. I can't really find it in my heart or my loins to cut him off yet. Yeah, I know. You don't have to say it. I'm an evil little monkey and I should be put in a cage in a lab in the Himalayas so that I can't tamper with any one else. I know this, but today, it doesn't stop me.

With This Email, I Thee Quit...

FRIDAY
I don't hear jackshit for a response from MNS until Friday morning. Friday morning? Monday I question what is going on with us and he waits until Friday to get back to me? I'm obviously very important to him. Could he be any more of a jerk? Here is the email he sent me. Does he think that this will appease me? This should tide me over until he can give me his all? If he's thinking that's all I need, he could not be any more wrong.

MNS: Babe, I do like seeing you. I wish we could spend more time together but right now that's not the case. Work is crazy busy and today I have to go and pick up my son. I am not ignoring you or trying to be mean or anything like that I have just been crazy busy. I do miss you and I do want to spend time with you and in time that will be possible. Hope your having a good week. Talk to you soon.

Friday night I decide it is time to fill the pockets again. In all reality, I hope I don't need to use any of the men in the pockets but I just can't risk it at this point. MNS is not dependable and cannot make time for me. I will have to find someone that can, no matter how much it sucks. I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him any longer. If and when he finally gets his divorce and thinks he can squeeze me into his super busy schedule, we will see what point I am at. Maybe we can give it a try. Maybe I'll finally be done with his bullshit. Only time will tell. I love him to death but I don't share well and I need more than he can give me. Right now, I have to be true to myself.

SATURDAY
Sometimes I amaze myself how quickly I can fill my pockets back up. There's Dom, Shorty, Muscles and a few other randoms that are more than willing to step in for any attention I may be lacking. I don't feel like acting on any of them yet but I will keep them chilling in the pockets for future bouts of loneliness.

SATURDAY NIGHT
We head out for Yommey's birthday and have a great time. I get my eye on a couple fellas at the first bar but nothing to get all revved up about. Dom wants to see me when I'm done celebrating. I don't tell him yes or no. We will see how I feel.

At the second bar I notice him, Rebound, right away. He's just my flavor; tall, caramel skin, tight dresser and has a bit of a swagger about him that I don't see around here very often. When he comes up to talk to me outside I realize he has the swagger of the west coast I so love and miss because he lived out there too. We hit it off and begin reminiscing about what we miss now that we're here. Two hours later we're still chatting and he is trying to woo me with some smooth lines and introducing me to his cousin. I give him my number but he wants more than that. Tonight I decide I will give it to him. I need a distraction and a rebound from MNS and Rebound is hot and totally into me. Can't really fight with that.

He follows us back to our house and on the way I have a minor panic attack thinking about MNS and what I'm about to do. Yommey yells at me that I'm being a dipshit and that MNS can fuck off. He's at home with his wife and I have a hottie that is trying to get at me. She bluntly reminds me that MNS hasn't been trying to get at me for a minute. I know she's right and I decide to try to enjoy this to the best of my ability and forget about MNS.

Rebound and I talk and mess around until 7 in the morning. He falls asleep as the birds chirp and the sun rises outside my window. He holds me from behind and I stare at the wall and think about my night and what has went down. It's not the same being in bed with a stranger as it is with MNS but it is simplier. He isn't running out of bed to work or home or bowling. He's here, next to me, snoring away and doesn't want to go anywhere. The sex was pretty good and he knocked Q out of the best oral sex ever category, which is quite impressive. When he wakes up we go for another round which is fun. He asks if he can see me again and I tell him he can. He asks me a lot of questions about my life and what I like and although I appreciate the effort, right now I really don't want to share too much. Let's just do what we do for now and we'll see where it goes, if anywhere. He keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend and I tell him no. I wish I did but MNS is not mine and I was fooling myself to think that he was. At least I don't have to lie to Rebound about being taken. I am a free woman and up for the taking at this point. We will see if he can hang or not.

If You Were Mine

If you were mine
would I be so unsure
of the way that you feel about me?
You tell me you care
and that I am the one
but those are just words I can't see.
You say it'll get better
and things will be great
and all I can do is believe
but in the mornings
you depart from my bed
it is so hard to watch you leave.
Not knowing when
you'll hold me again
but I know it won't be soon enough
the days in between
when I'm all alone
are solemn and lonely and rough.
I yearn for the time
we'll be together
no longer a secret, but real
the world will see us
and all that we share
and no one will doubt how we feel.
If you were mine
I could wake to your kisses
and bid you sweet dreams every night.
No sneaking around
no need for lying
only you can make this all right.
How long must I wait love?
when will you cash in
the promises you're so quick to make?
I hope that it's soon, dear
for the sake of this love
because I don't know how much more I can take.
I want you all mine
I don't want to share
and I don't think I'm being to bold.
You have to realize
that I won't wait forever
and this affair is going to run cold.
So show me you love me
the way I love you
leave her and come be with me
you say that you want to
I'm ready and waiting
for things as you promised they'd be.

"Very, Very" Doesn't Make The Sorry Better

MNS did not show up on Sunday for our playdate. I know, I know, his name is Mr. No Show. I get that but I really thought we were making progress. Silly me for thinking I'd see him twice in three days. Apparently someone spiked my Cheerios with crack and didn't tell me I was being delusional. Him not showing up doesn't piss me off nearly as much as him not acknowledging that he stood me up. I had fought with him on Friday and forced him to take $20 to put minutes on his phone. Now, in my head, he would go get those minutes as soon as he left my place on Friday but his phone was off all weekend so obviously he did not. The whole point of giving it to him was so that we could be in better contact than just email. Sunday would've been a prime time to use those minutes to text me and tell me he could not make it over but he did not chose to use his phone-a-friend lifeline. Very stupid move, MNS, very stupid.

Sunday night I am torn between writing him an email and telling him to kiss my big, white ass, or just not contacting him at all and see how long it takes him to notice I'm gone. I fear he might not notice. By Monday morning Yommey and Fair convince me to call him out on it. I'm not a bitch, which is surprising. In fact, I'm pretty impressed by how calm and cool I am when I write it. It's straight to the point and matter of fact. Needless to say, it's very unlike me. I send it in the morning, knowing he won't be on until the afternoon and thinking I probably won't get a response even then. When I confront him he shy's away and it usually takes a few days. Here's what I wrote him.

me: So what happened to our play date yesterday that you pinky swore on? When I gave you the money for the minutes I figured you would use it as such so you would be able to text me and tell me if you weren't coming. I realize you're busy and I am too but I am willing to make time for you whenever I can, like taking Friday off to see you. You promised me repeatedly that you would make more time because you wanted to see me too. If that's not the case, you should let me know that now. I've told you a million times just be honest with me and communicate and we will be fine. I don't feel like I ask that much of you given the circumstances but I do need that.

He replies at 6 PM.

mns: I am very, very sorry. I did not mean to upset you so. I got busy doing some other things and lost complete track of time. I sincerely do apolagize. I will keep you in the loop and my phone will be on in the next day or so. I still have the money I have just been very busy. I am very sorry babe.

He got busy doing other things? I want to cry and kick him repeatedly. And saying very twice in a row does not make me believe you are any more sorry. You should be very to the nth degree sorry for being able to so easily forget about me you jackass. This is that dull blade stab through the heart reminder that as far as his priorities go, I am nothing. It hurts like hell.

me: i figured you got busy or forgot and that's what makes me feel crappy since i cleared my day, told my friends not to call and made some fun plans for us for the afternoon. makes me feel like an idiot cuz i was excited for it and you got busy and forgot. are you still at work? and are you coming over in the morning?

mns: Again I am very, very sorry. Yes I am still at work and I have to be here at 6:15 in the morning so I won't be able to come in the morning.

me: ok. have a good night.

mns: come on, please don't be angry with me, babe. I really am very, very sorry. :(

At this point I am driving down the freeway when the email pops up on my phone. I careen off at the next ramp and park in a residential area. Don't be angry? I was angry yesterday. Today I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself for settling and allowing this kind of behavior to be acceptable. I know if I don't say something now I will regret it forever. He needs to know how it made me feel and why I'm hurt. He can deal with it or not. That's his choice. I take a deep breath and compose the following message.

me: Im sorry too, babe. I was red hot pissed yesterday. Today i just feel stupid. I want to believe u like seeing me as much as i like seeing u. I really do but it's hard. I hate that u make me feel like a stupid girl. Im never insecure n i am with u n it drives me nuts. 3 guys asked me for my # sat nite n i blew them all off cuz i just want U but then yest i was like what am i doing? Hes home with his wife n im home alone. I dunno. Maybe im pms'ing or something but i was really upset. It will help once u have the mins to text. But again, if that was me i wouldve got them asap so we could chat. Just different for me i guess. Im not used to feeling 2nd best. Be patient with me while i figure out if i can get used to this scenario. U know how i feel about u so i want this to work...I hope u believe that...but right now i'm not sure it can. I need more of you and i don't know if you are capable or if you want to give it to me.

I hit send knowing that he has probably left work by now and won't get it until the next afternoon. That's okay with me. I need some time to process everything tonight. I love MNS. I love how I feel when I'm with him. I even think someday we could have a really great thing. It's the here and now that I'm worried about. I'm not sure I can last long enough for him to be divorced and mine and make me a priority. And it's not that I don't think he wants to be with me or loves me back. That's what's infuriating. I know he does but he's just so self-absorb and willing to be a stupid, thoughtless man that he has no idea what he's putting me through. And for that, I'm very, very angry.

My Afternoon Delight

It's been an interesting week. I haven't seen MNS since last week and he still doesn't have minutes on his phone. We've had some emails regarding his divorce and us and what not. Basically he says he's stuck in the marriage until he can save up enough money for a divorce. He says it's the only thing holding him back from leaving that miserable life he's leaving. According to him he is working on it as fast as he can and can't wait until he can be with me and in a "happy place". I tell him that I need more than once a week. He promises over and over that he will make more time, no matter how hard it is, because he wants to be with me just as badly as I want to be with him. All I can do believe him and hope that it goes quickly. We spend Thursday afternoon exchanging dirty emails and he promises to come over Friday morning and makes it very obvious that he can't wait to see me and be with me again. He says it's been too long. Well, yes it has, because you've been busy. Thursday night at 8:30 he sends me an email that he got the call he has to go into work Friday morning and won't be able to come over. He says he will be off in the morning and will meet me for lunch or whatever I want. He says he's just as upset as I am. I highly doubt that.

I have been bombarded with texts and IM's from Pella, Dom and Mason. I have no idea where the hell Pella came from. It's so out of the blue. I basically call him out on his bullshit and leave it at that. Dom keeps asking me if I miss him and if he can see me. I finally have to tell him that I'm seeing someone else and I can't. He doesn't seem to like it but I just can't lead Dom on when my heart belongs to MNS, as unfortunate as that may be and as much as I may regret it later. Stupid Q keeps texting me and I tell him repeatedly to stop and that we are not friends and I have nothing to say to him.

Friday I leave work at noon and MNS comes over around 12:45. I am crabby and I make sure he knows that. He apologizes and promises that I will never have to go 10 days without him again. I tell him I am going to hold him to that or I will walk. For once I think he might believe that I'm for real...and he should. Fair told me I'm the worlds worst mistress and she's totally right. I pretended that I could do this and having part of MNS was better than nothing but it's not. It's almost worse.

MNS and I spend the afternoon in bed. We talk about his son and things we want to do together this summer and next year and, unfortunately, his wife. I can't help but ask questions about her. I realize that lying next to him naked seems like an inopportune time to question his other life but I can't help it. I need to know things to better understand his position and where I stand in his life. He answers whatever I ask him. He tells me she is going to freak out when he leaves and want to know all about me. I reiterate that he needs to make sure she knows he's leaving because he's miserable and that it has nothing to do with me. Of course it will be easier for her to blame me, I get that. He says he is miserable but his leaving does have a lot to do with me. Before he met me back in the day he forgot that he deserved to be happy and I make him happy and he can't stay in a relationship with her when he wants to be with me. Fuck-in-A. No pressure there.

Eventually we have to say goodbye but he promises that we can have a playdate on Sunday afternoon. He pinky swears me on it. He says he wishes we could have a playdate everyday. I tell him he needs to get better at this affair thing and then we could. He laughs at me and kisses my head like I'm a niave child. Again, I'm not playing. I need more effort. I love being with him but I'm a greedy bitch and if he can't make more time like he promised, then I will have to bid him ado until he leaves her and can be with me. By the way, it's Sunday afternoon at 2:30 and I haven't heard shit from him since he left Friday afternoon. If he breaks our play date and doesn't acknowledge that he missed it, I will have some serious contemplating and decision making to do. Yes, we've come leaps and bounds in the last two months compared to where we were for the last year and a half but if this is him trying and giving it his all, it's not enough for me. And it never will be.

If We Were Born With A Treasure Map

I’ve never really believed in soulmates or “the one”, well maybe as a child before I discovered the reality of the world. Back then Cinderella seemed perfectly logical. Once you grow up you realize that there seems to always be something wrong with that glass slipper. Maybe because it’s made of glass? How comfortable can a glass slipper really be? Shouldn’t it be made out of clouds or cotton or something more comfortable? Was this an omen to what real love would be like? Stiff and uncomfortable and non-conforming to what your foot and heart needs?

The more princes I came across that tried to jam my foot into this slipper, the harder I fought to keep it off. I thought you love, you lose, you try to do better next time. Then you meet someone and they flip your life completely upside down, making you question who you are and what you want. You find yourself desperately wanting that slipper in his hand to fit, despite all your doubts and past experiences. You find you want him, more than anything, with your whole heart. You no longer think it was chance that he came along. There are too many variables and circumstances for that. Too many things you could have easily ran from but chose to fight through.

It surprises me to find myself thinking that maybe there is a plan. Perhaps we’ve been training for this our entire lives so we get it right with each other. Maybe when we are born God gives us a map, a treasure hunt to your other half. He couldn’t make it easy and give you a name and address and tell us to show up there on a specific date. We have to find each other. We had to practice on the wrong ones so we wouldn’t mess it up when the time was right. Only after the trials and tribulations of broken hearts would we know that we had a treasure when we found it. We had to grow into who we’ve become after the world has tried so hard to keep us apart.

And if that is the case, how do we know when the hunt is over? Do you stop because you’re tired of searching and this will do just fine? Will the other person seem like a cavern full of gold once discovered and the answer will be obvious? Or is it possible you could misread the map and keep on searching even though you had once held the treasure in your arms and heart but thought a better treasure was waiting out there for you? How are we supposed to know when the map has led us to where we need to be? I question these things now. Then, as I wonder, you hold me in your arms, stare into my eyes, kiss my lips gently and I know there is no place in the universe I would rather be. So whether I’m your other half or just a dot on your map to the one, all I can do is make the most of every single moment that I have with you, remember lessons learned from the past, and pray that you were my last first kiss. I’m forced to trust that the big guy up high is a good navigator and that your map ends here, with my heart in your hands.

He Banged Me Like A Screen Door In Hurricane Andrew

FRIDAY
There is nothing to report except for the fact there is nothing to report. I haven't heard from MNS since his emails Tuesday night. The last email I got from him said he would probably be over Wednesday morning. Obviously he did not make it, or Thursday, or this morning. It sucks because I would've liked to see him before I left for the weekend but there is only so much I can do when his phone is off. I sent him an email each day to see how he was and got no response. If I don't hear from him by Monday I will start to freak out. Instead of being sad that I won't get to see him or talk to him I'm hoping it will be a nice little reminder for him. I like my life and I'm going to spend my weekend at home with the family. That makes me happy. He hates his life and he has to spend the weekend with the wife and possibly no contact with me. The bitchy girl in me is hoping that will be a little wake-up call for him and that he misses me terribly. Not sure if it will work or not but that's what I'm telling myself is going to go down.

I didn't hear from Mob yesterday. I assume he is still alive and recovering. I'm sure he'll call in the next few days when he can. In other ex news, I have decided to go after Von for some of my money. I sent him a myspace a few days ago asking for part of it. He read it but didn't reply. He has until Monday to make some effort and/or contact or I'm going to small claims court. And I won't just be asking for the $600 I brought up in my myspace message, I would go after all of it. Well, all that I can. He owes me over $5000 but I think the small claims limit is $3000. But hey, I haven't seen a penny yet despite his promises so anything would make me extremely happy at this point. I'm sure he won't pay and I'll be faced with the decision to send him to jail for contempt or not. What amuses me is that I know he thinks I would never follow through on that and send him to jail because I once loved him so. He has no idea how deep my "contempt" for him runs and I will do it in an instant if I win and he refuses to pay. Good times, good times.

9:30 AM
I get an email from MNS asking when I'm leaving for home and apologizing for slacking the last few days but they gave him meds for his back and they knock him out. He wonders what's going on with me and says he misses me. When he was over on Tuesday he had told me he was only taking ibuprofen for his back because he doesn't like taking pills. I'm feeling a little guilty right now. He was in pain already, came over and banged me like a screen door for an hour...so much that he missed his favorite past time of bowling that night and since has had to be put on medication to ease the pain. Oops, I fucked my boyfriend disabled. My bad. There go my hopes of a nooner at lunch if he can't move and can't stay awake. It would be like the night I lost my virginity all over again. Oh well. Hopefully he will heal by the time I return in three days.

Stupid guys keep blowing up my online box. I don't check the messages really. I just go in and clear them out when I have received a few dozen notifications that I have mail. Remember the guy that I met once and then he saw me downtown walking and freaked me out? Yeah, he has sent me six messages in the last three days. What is wrong with you? And where did you learn how to spell? What does this even say?! "imam okay ty for asking so i seen you in one of your frends boxws on here." Huh? Hooked on phonics worked for me, give it a try. Oh, and leave me alone! If I haven't answered your last 39 messages, I probably don't want to talk. Just a thought.

I considered texting Mason to see what he's up to tonight. I'll be going through his town and debated stopping to get a drink with him. He's been stressed out lately and needing to talk a lot and it would be fun to catch up and we're both cool on the friends level. Then I think about the last time I saw him and how I have no recollection of the evening and I'm pretty sure I do not want to walk into that bar again...ever. Sorry Mason, maybe next trip. No updates on Mob yet today. If I don't hear anything I will try to call him tomorrow.

Friday Afternoon
I don't end up going home because of work. We are super busy and I know Monday will only suck even worse if I don't stay here and work overtime. MNS and I email back and forth in the late afternoon. I tell him I'm not going home and he says he's sorry I can't go home because he knows I wanted to but he's happy because he really wants to see me. Well, hopefully he comes through on that. We've never spent any time together over the weekend. Usually our talk is minimal on the weekends as well. It would be a pleasant surprise to spend some time with him where neither of us had to jump out of bed and run off to work. For a minute I think about what that would be like. Just lying there and talking and having sex and talking and having sex with no time constraints. *sigh* It's a beautiful dream. And maybe I'll hit the lottery too. They both seem equally likely.

Friday Night
Nothing from MNS. I drink wine with Yommey and Fair. I text Mob because I haven't heard from him. His crazy baby mama responds not to text his phone anymore. I tell her to fuck off and we go a few rounds and then she gives up. Somedays she just makes it way too easy to get my bitch on. Q texts me and I reply "just go away".

Roulette

TUESDAY 1:25 PM
I get a text from Mob's phone. It tells me he was shot three times last night and is in critical condition. My heart sinks. His buddy, Jun, has his phone and figured he better let me know asap. He asks me if I talked to Mob last night and I said I did and that he was being all weird on me. He asks me why I didn't stop him from going. I start to crack. I tried to stop him! I've been trying to stop him since I met him almost a decade ago! Don't put this on me. You are there with him. Why didn't you stop him? Anyway, he can't tell me what hospital he's in because "the family" aka Pops, doesn't want anyone (meaning me and the people that want him dead) to know. I tell Jun that is completely fucked up and I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't tell me. We text back and forth throughout the day. He sends me updates when he has any and tries to calm me down. I tell Jun to tell him I love him.

I have a total migraine. I can't imagine what I would do if Mob died. No, I haven't seen him in three years but that doesn't mean I don't love the guy and wouldn't miss talking to him almost daily. It's hard to explain to someone that's never been in a situation like this with a family like his. If he died, I would not be allowed at the funeral. The thought brings tears to my eyes. If I showed up at his funeral, I would be killed. Take a minute to absorb that. It's heavy. I've always known it. In the back of my mind I always thought it would get better. That maybe if he lived to be 50 I could go and it would be okay. If he dies today, Monday night will be all I will ever have of him. I know his friends would do what they could for me but they also fear his Pops and some of them work for the family so their hands would be tied. This is my reality. I'm not ready to face that reality today. He has to survive this.

A few emails with MNS after work while I'm running around looking at houses. They are short but sweet. I love when he refers to us as "we". It's nice to know "we" agree that we are a "we". I ran an errand for him over lunch and he says he will try to stop by in the morning. He tells me he doesn't think he is bowling tonight because his back still hurts. Wow. Your back hurts that bad and you came and did me like you did this morning and you're skipping your favorite activity of bowling with the boys because of the pain? I'm climbing up the chain of priorities nicely. It's a good feeling. I email him before bed and tell him that the door will be unlocked in the morning in case he decides to come over.

Q sends me a text and asks if I miss him. I don't reply. I think he's brain dead. I miss him like a case of headlice. Jun texts me and says that Mob is awake. He asked for me. Jun told him I loved him. The doctors think he will pull through okay. I am relieved and grateful. Jun promises to continue to keep me posted and try to get me on the phone with Mob as soon as he can.

WEDNESDAY
I wake up and have two missed texts from Mob. I was out like a light and didn't hear them. MNS doesn't come over in the morning so I head to work. I text Mob back on my way. He is obviously on a lot of pain killers and his texts are next to incoherent but he's alive and he's in contact and I'm glad for that. He says he was shot in the arm, chest and side but it's ok. He made it out alive, no one else did. I tell him he needs to stop playing roulette with his life and get his head out of his ass. His last text says "we will be together. I love you too much to lose you again." I think about this and what it means. I do not write him back. What would I do if Mob finally decided to prove his love to me? What if this last bout of near-death experience really opened his eyes? I'm finally where I want to be with MNS, well, getting closer anyway, and what if Mob decided it was time to come and sweep me off my feet. Old love versus new love? It would be quite the debacle. Not that I see that happening. I'm just talking in theoretics right now. I think I would have to tell Mob I am sorry and see what happens with MNS. And then Mob would go back to the streets and the life I have been trying to save him from for years with the promise of my love. So I would be a big fat liar, pretty much. Fun thoughts, fun thoughts. Speaking of MNS, haven't heard from him yet today...

Things I Don't Care To Admit

MONDAY
It's rainy and cold as hell when I wake up. I wonder if MNS will be home today instead of working. Perhaps he will email me and say he doesn't have to go in to work and he wants to come over? I linger at home a little longer than usual, fearful the minute I get on the freeway he will contact me to come see me. When I can't wait any longer before risking being tardy, I take off, a bit sad. Yes, it's pathetic. I know. He emails me around 9 and says he is at work. He's hoping he can get off work early and we decide if he does we will rendezvous in the afternoon.

I can barely keep up with texts from Ronnie and Teej. Ronnie is in Vegas at March Madness and I'm pretty sure he's drunk. He is cracking me up. He tells me the old slutty casino we used to go to and party at has changed it's name. *tear* Times are a changing, that's for sure. Teej has no point in texting me. Small chit chat back and forth. Things are good. I tell him we should get a drink sometime and catch up. He says we wouldn't want to upset the significant others. He assumes I have a guy because I usually do in some form. I'm not about to explain to him I am free to have drinks with whomever I want since my boyfriend is married. I am however irked by his comment. I tell him that I said we should get drinks, not get naked. He's the one that's been trying to hook up with me for how long and I always blow him off. Oh Teej, please.

MNS says he's not getting off early and we'll have to meet up in the morning. I tell him that's fine. He asks if I'm ok and says I sound sad. How can he know I am sad over email? I put a smiley face. Shouldn't that mask all my insecurities? Apparently he knows me way too well. A little later he sends me an email that just says "I will be there at 6:30. I can't wait to see you." I wonder if he can tell that I'm smiling and doing the stupid goo-goo-ga-ga face when I reply that I can't wait to see him either.

10 PM
Mob starts texting me. One really long text that breaks into four on my phone. "I miss you so much. I sit here and think about all the times we had together and I want to cry. I should have never let you go. If you don't hear from me again, things went wrong tonight. I will always love you. If I could, I would be with you every day, all day long. I should've married you. I love you baby and I always will. You taught me the true meaning of love and for that I thank you. Bye, boo. I love you. I wish I could take back everything I ever did to hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. My only regret in the world is not fighting to keep you when you left me. I'll always be with you. I'm sorry for everything. I love you. I love you. I love you." Okay, so he loves me. That's never been a secret. I call him and he tells me what he's about to go do and I tell him not to go. This is a game I thought I was done playing 5 years ago. Tonight something sounds different in his voice. Tonight he sounds desperate to make me believe how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I know all of this already and I tell him to stop talking to me like he's never going to talk to me again. I tell him I love him too and he has a choice. There is always a choice. He doesn't understand this. He's not listening to me at all and talking a bunch of cryptic shit and I know I have to hit him where it hurts if I want any chance of stopping him. "If you love me like you say you do, then prove it! Don't go tonight! Come here and fight for me and show me how much you love me and marry me like you said you wanted to. We can have a life together but it's on you!" He starts crying. I've been crying for pretty much the duration of the conversation. "I love you. Never forget that, boo. You are the only woman I have ever loved." He hangs up the phone and he's gone.

It's a weird feeling having conversations like that with someone you love. And love him I do. No matter what Mob and I have gone through in the past, a part of me will always love him. If I really believed he could come here and turn his life around and we could be together I would give it a try again, as weird as that may sound. But he can't because that's not who he is or who he has become. And no matter how much he loves me and wishes we could build a life together, he loves the streets more. He was born to them, he will die on them...and I will not be his widow.

TUESDAY MORNING
MNS shows up at 6:30 as planned. He looks so cute when he walks in. He gives me a big hug and asks what's wrong. I tell him nothing and he tells me not to lie to him. I say I'm just tired, as if my puffy and bloodshot eyes don't give that away. I switch the subject to him and ask him if his back is feeling any better. He says a little but not much. I tell him to let me see if I can help and lead him to my room. I'm in heaven again. It's been two weeks since our nooner and we both need it badly. So badly that my mattress ends up sliding completely off of the box spring and we end up finishing in the middle of the floor. Not that either of us seemed to notice much. We fix the bed and curl up together and talk. He asks if I am going home this weekend and I say yes. He pouts! Not a girly pout but what we will refer to as a "man pout". A little grunt of disappointment and a tight squeeze. As if I see him so often on the weekends anyway. What are you pouting about? I tell him he better hurry and get the minutes on his phone so that we can talk while I'm gone. He assures me he will because he would miss me too much. I ask him about Jeter boy and why he spit in my drink. He swore to MNS that he didn't and would never do that. MNS told him to be careful because I'm not going anywhere and he needs to make nice with me. This makes me smile...a lot. I don't want him to see how giddy it makes me. I have to retain some illusion of control here. I kiss his neck and chest while he talks so he can't see my stupid girl glow. Of course this leads to another round of lovin' and it totally rocks my world. And this time we even managed to keep the bed in one piece. We get done and cuddle and chat again. He asks what time it is. I look and it's 7:45. Oops. He's supposed to be at work at 7:30 and I so should be on the road by now, as well. We quickly get dressed, exchange hurried kisses at the door and he says he will talk to me later as he rushes out while putting on his shoe.

I walk back in my room and fall onto my tussled bed. I can smell him on my pillow. I stare at the ceiling. Oh god, I love him. ERRRRR!!! What? Rewind! Did I just think that outloud? I close my eyes to shut out the thought but it doesn't work. It replays in my head. "I love him". I don't want to but I do. I can't deny it anymore. I'm not going to clue him in on this anytime soon, although I'm sure he already knows or at least suspects. My first reaction is fear. A million thoughts and reasons run through my mind of why I can't love him. But no matter how many reasons there are for why I shouldn't love him, the fact is that I do and it feels good and it makes me happy and I don't want to run from that. My second reaction is peace. I love MNS. It feels good to admit it. Are you happy now? I said it. I love him. I am completely in love with MNS. And I think he loves me too.

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Not The One I Want

FRIDAY
I didn't hear jack from MNS on Thursday and his phone is still off. I'm left wondering if my little tiff with his buddy was more detrimental than I originally feared. Only time will tell I guess. I'm sure he will pop up sooner or later. Well, at least I hope.

I go in to clear out my online dating box. It's ridiculously disappointing. There are a couple messages from guys I used to talk to but told to leave me alone. Why do men always think if they wait a few months your mind will change? It hasn't and it won't. Stop trying to contact me. The only one that peaks my interest is a generic message from Lost. The hottie from the Santa Pub Crawl. Hmmm...what to do, what to do?

I fear that I am failing the Apprentice. I realize I am not setting a very good example with my affair but my advice to her is out of love and trying to stop her self-destructive behavior. She claims to care and that she has to start loving herself but she makes piss poor decisions and doesn't think of any of the consequences of her actions. CW is not even pretending that he is going to leave his wife for her. Worse, I don't think she'd want him as bad if he was readily available to her. It just makes me sick to my stomach that she can look at his wife every day at work and play nice and like she's her best buddy at the office when she's fucking CW in the hotel bathroom down the lane during their afternoon breaks. Obviously, I have taught her nothing. She keeps claiming to have these epiphany's and life changing thoughts and moments but the minute the opportunity arises she is running off to destroy herself, her reputation and her self respect with CW. I'm out of ideas.

While I'm at work my IM starts flashing. I look and am shocked to see that it's Pella. What in the hell does he want? We have barely spoken since our date in December. He chit chats for awhile and says I'm being kind of cold. Well, what do you want me to be? I don't owe you shit. He says he met a girl in town and their dating and it's going well. I tell him I'm glad to hear it. He asks how my love life is going. I tell him I meet plenty of guys but none hold my interest. This is true, excluding MNS, and that situation is none of his business. He teases me that he set the bar too high for any potential suitors. "Oh yeah," I say. "a great date, hit and quit and disappear. How could anyone ever live up to that, ass?" He says he's sorry and I assure him it doesn't matter. It's hard to explain to a guy that it wasn't that you missed them coming around or anything of that sort but it was more of a ding to your pride. They wouldn't understand. Let him think he hurt poor, niave and innocent me. Hee hee. Stupid fools.

I tell Pella I need to get back to work. My IM dings again and this time it is finally MNS. He says he is so happy to finally be done with class so that he can talk to me again. He says he misses me and wonders if I'm going home this weekend or not. I tell him I am staying and ask if I will see him. He says he's hoping so. He has to get back to work but he will talk to me soon. I'm happy to hear from him but still wish it could've been more than a four minute conversation. He swears he will have minutes on his phone soon, as he has been promising all week.

FRIDAY NIGHT
Kong texts me and ends up coming over to hang out with Yommey and I. I am hoping the entire time that MNS will text me that he escaped and is going to come hang as well, but he does not. Kong stays for a few hours, we have some drinks and shoot the shit. I'm not sure what he's thinking this is. Friends or still potentially more. I don't give him a clue either way. I just have fun. If he tries to bust a move I would have to tell him I'm in like with another but for now, I have no problem being Kong's friend and keeping him in my pocket in case MSN and I come to a screeching halt any time soon. Kong is a great guy and a lot of fun and he's a good friend to have on my side. One can never have too many hot, buff friends. While we're sitting outside BigBoi texts me. I don't bother to respond. He's a flippin' idiot and I don't want or need him in my pocket.

SATURDAY
Spend the day with the family. It's wonderful to see them, as always. MNS emails me when I'm on my way to my brothers house. He asks when my family is arriving and tells me not to worry, that we will work something out to see each other this weekend. I tell him if he can get away I will try to break away for a little tryst as well.

A few texts from Kong. He's wondering if I want to do something. I tell him I'm still busy with the family and I'll catch up with him later in the week. He seems fine with that. Q sends me a text which I ignore. I wish I could strangle him through the phone. Vanilla sends me a message on facebook. A few texts with Mob as well.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

WEDNESDAY
Yommey and I wake up way to early and unfortunately I know that I have to go to work today. I need to save my days off for the funeral. Ugh. The funeral. I had done a decent job of blocking that out last night. Wait, I think I've blocked out a lot of things from last night. Yommey jumps in bed with me and we try to piece together the fuzzy parts of the night but we are of no help to each other. All she knows is that her stupid ex keeps texting her now and her boyfriend SAP is apparently really pissed because she sent him some bitchy texts last night, just like he had done to her Monday night. I'm trying to remember if MNS said he was coming over this morning or not. Something tells me he did but it's 6:45 already and I haven't heard from him. I must've misunderstood. Or maybe he's too busy with his wife and her kids. Who the hell knows. All I know is that Yommey's car is at her work, I'm her ride and she has to be there in 45 minutes.

7:02 AM
Yommey and I are pulling onto the freeway less than 2 minutes from home when I get an email from MNS. He asks if I'm going to work late today. He says he just woke up and wants to know if he can come over and see me or if it's too late. Gadzooks! Any other morning I would've whipped the car around and met him at the casa but I have to get Yommey to work. I write him back and tell him I just left to take her to her car but I can be back by 7:40 or he can come over tonight. I tell him to let me know which one he wants to do. I drop off Yommey and still haven't heard back from him. Okay then, guess I will go to work.

I call my mom on the way to work. She was supposed to call me when they got back last night to give me an update on his condition. I ask her what the status is and she sounds confused. She says we talked about it last night and she hasn't had any more news. I say I thought she was going to call when they got home. She says she did. Huh? "You don't remember talking to us at 9:30? You said you were at the bowling alley." Once she says it I vaguely remember a snippet of conversation. "Just how much did you drink last night?" she asks in her best motherly tone. I can't lie to my mom. I told her I got smashed out of my mind. How proud she must be.

They day rolls by with me wanting to vomit with every breath and trying to repiece my night back together. My cousins and siblings are texting me throughout the day about the impending doom of death and it makes it even harder to concentrate. I haven't heard anything more from MNS. I'm praying to god the guy I had my verbal tussle with was not his best friend or someone influential in his life that could destroy what I've been working so hard to build with him. I'm on the brink of a major breakdown. I get a call regarding a problem that arose last week. For the record, Q is no longer an annoyance or pest. I hate him and want to inflict severe bodily harm on him at this point.

Somehow I pull myself together and make it through the day. I get home and things have deteriorated further for Yommey and Sap. He is being a total dick to her and making her cry. Nothing in the world hurts me more or makes me more angry than watching her cry. I know he is not worth the tears but you can't tell someone that when they are in love. As far as I'm concerned he is nothing but an immature boy who has no balls and no idea how much she loves him. If he wanted a puppet he could control for a girlfriend he picked the wrong woman. Don't fall in love with a strong, independent, beautiful woman and expect her to roll around at your feet begging for your forgiveness for something everyone does that inflicted no harm and was more of a drunk annoyance than anything. And don't pick one that has a crazy best friend because if I ever see you again, I will lash you with my tongue until you cry.

Sap is a little bitch and the way he's treating Yommey makes me wanna drive to his town and do a two-for-one special on an ass whooping for him and Q. You don't think he deserves that? Let me break it down for a second and see if you don't want to hop on the Asshole Beatdown Express with me. He was supposed to call her when he got off work so they could talk. He texts her and says he's working late and not sure what time he'll get off. This is a copout clear as day. Even if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you can't. Why? Because he can't text when he's at work. And when she responds to this text it becomes a mini text war between them. As fast as she can send them, he is replying with some jackass comment. He's not at work. He is breaking up with her over text. Over text!! What kind of man does that? After 16 years of friendship, months of dating and claiming he loved her in a way that was unparalleled by anything he had ever felt before he breaks up with her over text? Grow some fucking balls, dude! For real. You are not a man. You are a coward. She cannot believe this is happening. I tell her my theory. He has been pushing her away for nearly two weeks. I think he was looking to get out and because she sent him some drunk texts, he is totally blowing it out of proportion and using it as his out. This way he can make it all her fault and he looks like the victim. No way, Jose. Nice try but it ain't going down like that. He doesn't bother to call her. Apparently, he worked all night long.

Denial Is A Pretty City That I Like To Visit Often

TUESDAY

I'm sitting at work, minding my own business when my phone rings. It's Professor Stalker. If I didn't love my new touchscreen phone like a child, I probably would've chucked it at the wall to silence the call. What in the hell does he want? He leaves me a message and I can barely bring myself to listen to it. Just thinking about hearing his voice again gives me the heebies. I had really hoped he had gotten mauled by a bear in the Yucatan or something. I listen to the message and it is normal Professor style. Talking on and on about nothing in particular that I could care less about. You don't believe me? Well this is how the message went. You be the judge. Would you leave this message for someone who hasn't spoken to you for months and last time they did, they threatened to turn you into the police for harassment? Ok, here it is but you have to imagine it really slow in a slight monotone with lots of dramatic pauses and sighs.

"Hey! What's up? I just got back into town. I've been out of town. I, um, for four days, I was gone...out of town. But I'm back in town now...for St. Paddy's! So I just thought I would call and see if you're going out tonight and what's up. So what's up? Haven't talked to you for awhile. Call me and we'll catch up. If you don't know who this is, this is Professor. Ok, call me. Bye."

Do you see what I'm talking about?! Dude is coo-koo, coo-koo. He leaves this message at 1:43 PM.

3:17 PM

I get a text from a number I don't know. Weird. Here's how this exchange goes down.

#: Hey there.
me: hi...who is this?
#: your boy blue. where are you?
me: i don't have a boy blue. who is this?
#: you going out tonight?
me: yes.
#: have fun. maybe i can see you later.
me: who is this?
#: :-)
me: i'm not playing this game. if you can't tell me who you are don't fucking contact me again.
#: professor

Professor then calls my phone from the mystery number. I answer and let loose asking him if he thinks he will enjoy being in jail and that I hope some guy with a pop bottle size dick makes him his bitch daily and that his principal at the catholic school he works at is going to love hearing the explanation of why the cops are serving him harassment papers at the school. He tries to interupt my rant "I just wanted to say hi..." I go off again. I don't want to hear anything from you...ever. I don't even want to hear the sound of your voice or picture your face. I tell him I hate him and hang up. This of course does not phase him.

#: i just called to say hi. it's not that big of a deal. sorry.
me: I never want to hear from you again. EVER!!! I HATE YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
#: ok, but i didn't do anything wrong. that's the funny part. can't we be friends?

He makes me want to pull my hair out...strand, by strand, by strand with a pliers. I'd rather have a school of piranha's in my panties ripping apart my womanly flesh than ever hear his voice or see his face again. My phone goes off again and I actually let out a slight scream of disgust. I look at it but it's not him. It's an email from MNS. Hooray!! He writes "I will have some minutes on my phone tom or thurs then we can chat it up again. Sorry. I miss kickin it with you. Class sucks. It's all math and is not easy. How was your day? You going to get drunk for st. pats? Talk to you soon babe." That is all it takes for me to be all better. My insane anger with Professor is replaced with giddiness and joy with just a few sentences. I email him back and tell him I'm heading to happy hour but maybe I'll stop by bowling later and rape him in the bathroom. It seems like a harmless tease at the time.

5 PM

Yommey and I head to happy hour. My plan is to stay somewhat sober and let her get really messy. We are right on track when my parents call. For some reason, I just know something is wrong. My mom throws some bad news at me and I fight back tears. One of the most special men in my life is dying. It's been happening for the last year but apparently it has taken the final turn and the doctors are giving him a week to live. I want to jump in my car and go be with my family but mom and dad tell me to stay put because I'm probably going to have to come home for the funeral in a matter of days. I tell them I will come home this weekend and say goodbye to him. My mom says she hopes he lasts that long. Wow. She promises to call when they get back from seeing him. I hang up the phone and my siblings call immediately as well. We decide it is best to stay put and we will all go back this weekend. My heart is breaking a little bit inside my chest. No matter how much you plan for death and know it's coming, it's never easy. The only solace I have is that his suffering may soon end.

I start pounding the drinks. I don't want to think about death of loved ones or any reality right now. It's been one hell of a week already and I'm afraid if I let this sink in too much I might just lose it. I want to see MNS. I want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be ok but he's busy bowling. Yommey and I finish two more drinks and head to another bar. The other bar is boring and dull. We head to the bowling alley to see MNS. I'm not afraid he's going to freak out, although I probably should've been. I was drunk and I wanted to see him and good luck talking me out of something when I'm hammered. I've told you my evil alter ego is a total bitch. Tonight will be no exception. At this point of the night things are already getting kind of fuzzy so you know we are in trouble.

8 PM

We walk into the bowling alley and take a seat at the bar. We had no plan. I didn't know what I was really doing there. Does this make me a stalker? Yommey orders up his favorite shot and asks which one he is. Can't really miss him, he's on the lane just outside the bar door and his last name is on the back of his jersey. He looks so fuckin' cute, I think to myself. Next thing I know, Yommey walks away with one of the shot glasses. He moves behind a wall and I can't see what the hell she is doing. Ahhh!!! She returns empty handed. What did you do?! She says she tapped him on the shoulder, handed him the shot, told him it was from the blondes at the bar and walked away. Holy crap. I eye the door and think about bolting out of it. Not 30 seconds after she returns I see him walk into the bar, carrying the shot glass. He has a shit-eating grin on his face as he makes his way over. We all do our shots together. He stands and talks to us until his buddies come get him because it's his turn to bowl. I ask him if he's mad and he says, "why would I be?" It's really fun being out in public and being next to him. I can't stop looking at him smiling at me and smiling back. Yommey even likes him and agrees he's a total hottie. I meet a few of his bowling buddies. Everyone shoots the shit. Yommey notices one of her ex's sitting at a table a few feet away. Oh man, this cannot be good.

10 PM

Now here's where things start getting really fuzzy. Like, bits and pieces of black, fuzzy. A few more shots and drinks later he tells me he has to go. He has to pick up his step-son from somewhere and take him home. I pout. I'm not proud of it, but I did pout. Insert fuzziness here. I assume I was walking him out to his truck to say goodbye but all I remember was him and I pressed up against the back wall outside of the bowling alley making out like high schoolers. I can tell he's getting totally hard and really wants to stay so I keep pushing his buttons. He enjoys it for a brief minute and then pulls away, cupping my head in his hands. "You are making it REALLY hard to leave you right now, babe." And here comes the return of the diarhea of the mouth disease. "Then don't leave me. Leave her! When are you going to leave her? When will you be divorced?!" What in the hell did I just do? Am I a four year old princess throwing a tantrum or what? I may have even stomped my foot. I wouldn't put it past me at that point. He first laughed and then said something to the effect that "I already told you it is in the works. I will leave her soon." I sigh. "But right now you have to be the good husband and go pick up her kids and leave me here alone, right?" Sometimes my bitchy-ness even surprises me. "Babe, it's not like that. I have to pick him up. I'm already super late because I've been hanging out with you. You know I don't wanna leave you. I will see you in the morning around 7." A kiss and he's gone.

I return to the bar, annoyed, and who better to take my frustrations out on? Well one of his buddies of course. He's an arrogant asshole and I don't know what happened but apparently we exchanged words and lots of them and none of them were nice. Awesome. I don't know exactly what prompted the verbal tussle or fueled it along but I do know it ended with him making a comment to the effect of "Why don't you go find your boyfriend? Oh wait, he's home with his wife."

So here's the recap of the evening, just in case you missed anything. Got a call about a dying family member, got drunk, went stalking, nearly raped my married boyfriend outside a busy public place that he frequents weekly for anyone to see, picked a fight with his buddy and somehow ended up home safe and sound in my bed by midnight, alone. If I didn't already hate the Irish, after this St. Patrick's day, I'm really not a fan.

Remembering The Rules

TUESDAY
I'm annoyed at MNS right now for a variety of reasons, some of which are not his fault at all. I hate the way he makes me feel when I'm waiting to hear from him. I don't wait to hear from anyone. I don't chase. If you want me, you can try to come and get me. So why with him do I find myself chasing? I hang on his every word and wait for him to reply. I want his replies in record speed. If he takes too long I get annoyed. It's completely uncalled for but that's just how it is.

I'm not looking for anyone else right now. Of course, they come looking for me. Why does that always happen? And by all technicalities I am free to see whom ever I want since my boyfriend is married, right? So why do I feel guilty even having a conversation with other men? Isn't that a little fucked up? MNS goes home every night to his house with his wife and does god knows what. He claims he doesn't love her and they haven't slept together for a "very long time" but obviously he feels some sort of obligation or he would've left her already. I know it would upset him if I started dating someone else. We've had the conversation before. He says he doesn't want me with anyone but him but it's unfair of him to ask me to wait for him, he just hopes that I do. What would he think now that we've taken things to a different level with each other? Does he think I am just sitting at home knitting a blanket and planning out our lives together and ignoring anyone else with a penis?

The problem is right now I don't want to be bothered with anyone else. And that annoys me, as well. I only want to be with him but if he can't give me the attention I want and need, then I know my eye will start to wander. And I wouldn't keep it a secret. I would want him to know that these are the rules until he can be free for me. Sounds like a dangerous game, doesn't it? But it's not a game to me. It's my life. It's my heart. I'm not putting it on a shelf for anyone that can't step up and rightfully claim it as they should.

Bottom line is I've come to a conclusion. I'm not going to chase him. I've done that enough. If he wants to be with me the way he says he does, then he is going to have to fight to have me and keep me. He is going to have to work to make things better and right with us. He can come to me and hang on my responses that may be few and far between. He's the one with the loose ends to tie up, not me. If someone else comes along that floats my boat before he can do that, then I guess we will just have to see what happens. Of course no one really floats my boat like he does but who's to say that wouldn't or couldn't change? I'm starting to think that it doesn't really matter how I feel about him. He needs to make this right in a hurry. I've wasted a year and a half waiting on him. I don't think I can go another year and a half until he's mine for real. And if I don't hear from him by Friday, he is going to get a fucking ear full when he does contact me.

Sticky Situation

FRIDAY
Friday is a doozy. It's not only Friday the 13th but it just starts off very badly. I find myself in a very bad situation that could have terrible ramifications. To be honest, I fear it could cost me MNS. I know I have to tell him what is going on, or what is potentially going on, but I have no idea how he will react. This could be the end of the road for us. I'm fully aware of this but my stupid honesty and guilt will not let me avoid the sticky situation and I just have to lay it out there for him.


I throw it out and wait for his response. He is sweet and worried and doesn't run like I feared he might. He asks "what do we do?" to fix the problem. I tell him I was scared he would hate me. I says he doesn't hate me and couldn't ever hate me. He says it everything will be ok and we will be fine. I am glad for this and I believe him. Not only because I want to believe him but because he is sincere and convincing. We message for awhile. He tells me his phone is off because he's out of minutes. I'm sad because I know I won't be able to talk to him much or see him this weekend. I could sure use a hug from him right about now.

I give Q his final notice. If he ever contacts me again I will rip his nuts off and shove them in his ears. I tell him I hate him and he needs to disappear forever.

SATURDAY
I try calling MNS's phone in the late morning. It's off. I decide to send him an email. It's not mean, it's just to the point. I ask if his phone is going to be off all weekend and next week too. He emails me back while I'm at lunch with the ladies and says "No it is not going to be off next week. I am out of minutes but I will get it back on soon. Regardless of what you may think I do like talking to you. I will get it back on babe." At first I am pissed off because it seems that he is coping an attitude with me. Yommey tells me that I am over-analyzing. I write him back and tell him I wasn't trying to be a bitch. I was honestly just wondering when it would be back on. I don't hear anything else from him on Saturday. Is it my fault I miss the stupid guy? Ugh. Probably.


I spend the night drinking wine with Fair and Yommey and bitching about men. Well, I do most of the bitching and they listen and laugh at me. Mason and Mob are both texting me. Mob is at the annual block party. I so wish I was there with him. He does too and makes some very explicit suggestions as to how it would go down if I was there with him. Oh, how right he is. Too bad it can't go down like that. I tell him I love him too but I need sleep. Before I pass out I try calling Rock. He doesn't answer. This is one of those nights that no matter how many of the "pocket boys" I talk to, I'm just going to feel so fricking alone because I can't be by MNS. I email him and tell him I'm going to go to bed and I wish he was there with me. I even add a sigh, a sad face and...someday, for a little extra guilt. He should know it hurts me to wait. It hurts more than I want to admit most days.

SUNDAY
No word from any boys. Well, Mason, but he doesn't count. I have a great day with Fair, Yommey and the mini. Get some things done for myself that I had been putting off. All in all, pretty stellar. I can't get my brain to turn off though when it's time for sleep. I toss and turn all night long thinking of MNS.


I find myself in an odd place with him. I can't complain because I knew what I was signing up for the first day he came to my house and I saw the ring. And really, the last month he has been really great about talking to me every day, multiple times and ways. This is leaps and bounds from where we were last year when he would disappear for weeks at a time. Not that he couldn't do that again but I have a hunch that he won't. He doesn't need to. His secret is out and I'm still here and he has no reason to keep hiding when things get too deep. The problem is my greed. Now that I've had him in my bed and next to me I want him like that all the time. I want to be able to call him whenever I want and have him answer the phone. I want to go watch him play softball and meet his buddies and be the only woman in his life. I don't want to share him. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want to wait but I have to wait and I can't have him like that yet. It pretty much blows. I'm not expecting your sympathy. The situation is too twisted to ask for that. Rather, I'm just venting because I'm selfish and greedy.


MONDAY
A few emails with MNS. Nothing groundbreaking. He's swamped at work but wanted to say hi and see how my day was going. He'll be in training the rest of the week so if he doesn't get minutes on his phone I won't hear from him at all because he won't have internet access. I ever so gently remind him of this and that I would appreciate if he got some minutes. We will see if he comes through on that. If not, I guess it will be a lonely week for both of us. Although I'm guessing it's harder on me than it is on him since I'm some silly smitten kitten these days and am like a fiend for his touch and attention. I don't hear from him much after 12:30. I know it's going to be a quiet week and it pisses me off. And the worst part is, I know why, which makes me pretty angry at him.

I So Don't Wanna Be That Girl

TUESDAY NIGHT
Q sends me a few texts throughout the day. I don't know if I'm just so sick of him trying to contact me or still high from my nooner with MNS but I just lay it out there for him (as if I hadn't told him a million times in as many different ways already). He sends me a text that says "I miss u so much". I reply and tell him not to waste his time and that I'm seeing someone else. Ok, technically I don't know if I'd say I'm "seeing" MNS but I don't know what else to call it. It's the best word I can come up with, really. I can't call him my boyfriend since he's married and all. Anyway, Q flips a little bit about me seeing someone else and I ask him what he thought I was going to do. Did he really think I would sit around sad because he fucked me over and never move on? He doesn't need to know that MNS and I have been a long going affair. We go back and forth a bit and finally he says thanks for letting him know and that he will leave me alone. I thank him and hope that he's telling the truth. I don't want to deal with his whining anymore.

MNS is busy at work most the afternoon. I get one text telling me thank you and how awesome our little lunch time rendezvous was. I get another one his way to bowling but that's it.

WEDNESDAY
It's way too quiet today. Eerily quiet. Good news is there is no calls or texts from Q. Bad news is, I don't hear jack from MNS either. I try calling him but his phone is off. Grrr. I send him an email but he's not online. This is annoying. Well, I'm certainly not going to call his home phone. Hee hee. When I haven't heard from him before I went to bed last night I knew he would not be coming over in the morning like promised. Mason sends me a text but I'm already in bed and don't answer.

THURSDAY
I sleep in because I know MNS will not show up this morning and I'm right. I try calling him when I wake up but his phone is still off. I spend way too much time thinking about him during my commute. Why is he so flippin' flaky? It's infuriating. Normally, prior to meeting him, this kind of behavior would be the norm and I wouldn't spend two seconds analyzing it. BUT since we have took things to a new level he has been very informative, attentive and actually communicating. I pray we are not going back to the old ways. Now that we've crossed that line, sporadic would not be enough for me. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do about it. MNS will contact me when MNS wants to contact me. I hate being the girl that is staring at her phone and wondering if she did something wrong and why the hell he's not blowing it up. I can't be that girl.

Luckily it doesn't take too long. When I get to work I get a text from him that he misplaced his phone but everything is good. We chat about work a little bit and the fact that he's annoyed he had to go in at 6:15 this morning and it's freezing out. They're really busy today but he will text me when he can. Good enough. Hopefully that means some point today and not next week but we will just wait and see.