The Calm Before The Storm?

WEDNESDAY
Talked to Mex on the way to work and the way home. We discuss going to get a drink together when he gets back from seeing his sister in the hospital. He says to hang tight and he should be done by 7 and will call me. He doesn't call. Guess maybe I'll meet him next week. Or never.

Texts with Q all day long long and all night. He's way too sweet. I hope he's as good in person because I could really get used to being treated like that again. If there is any chemistry in person I think we will be golden. Right now the plan is for him to come at 3 on Saturday.

Missed a call from Teej. He sent me a text too. Nothing major. Just asking what I've been up to and how I am. Tempting to call him back because it's been a hot minute since I got some play but right now I need to focus on Mex and Q. I will text him back as a friend and nicely dodge his advances, just incase I need an emergency booty call anytime soon.

Overall, a pretty quiet week on the boy front. For the first time in a long time, I'm really glad for that. I have way too much other stuff going on in my life that I need to focus on right now. New job, money, losing a couple tons off this ever-expanding humongo ass of mine. Thinking I might join the gym again.

THURSDAY
Well, what do you know? I joined the gym. Now, I just have to remember to drive there and utilize it. I think I will take some naked pictures of the wave pool of Jell-O that I call my ass and thighs and post them around my room. That should be enough to get me to the gym...or make me bulimic from vomiting every time I look at them. Good times, good times.

I'm at work today. You know, the new job that totally blows a goat? Anyway, I'm in a training session and I see a guy walk past the door. I swear to god it's Luck. Nah, can't be. How would he go from managing a porn store to working in construction to doing home mortgage? I text him on my break and tell him I just saw his twin. On my next break I'm walking out and checking me phone and I run smack dab into him. What the french toast are you doing here? He says he works here. Started Monday. I find this very odd. He seems distracted so I go about my business. I see him again later and ask him about his new haircut and the live-in girlfriend. I tell him I liked his hair better how he had it before. He's kind of being a dick so I walk away. Then I text him that he shouldn't be a dick to me. He apologizes in a way only Luck can. When I'm leaving for the night I see him walking towards me and turn and head the opposite direction. I realize he has some serious girlfriend or whatever and doesn't need his old booty call friend but remember who gave you a place to live when you were homeless for a weekend and took care of that huge, stupid dog of yours and fed you and helped you out? Yeah, me, jackass. You snub me another day at work and I will write you off for eternity. Trust that.

This isn't my week

MONDAY
The normal texts and calls with Mex and Q. Mex and my conversations get more entertaining each one we have. Got a random text from Kong Monday night seeing if I wanted to come over and hang out. Told him I was at my work going away party and not available. I somehow end up getting interviewed outside of a bar and on the local news that night. Note to self, after a shot of whiskey (which I NEVER do cuz it's disgusting) I do not look so glamerous on camera. Good to know.

Get a call from my girl Fair that her divorce is final! This is the best news I've heard in weeks. I literally did a little happy dance in my cubicle. I am so happy for her to be free of that fucking parasite! Despite his attempts to delay the inevitable end, she finally got what she had been fighting for. She decides to throw a party Saturday night to celebrate. I RSVP ASAP and tell her I wouldn't miss this for the world. I've been waiting for this day for four years. Yes, they were only married for 2 1/2 but I've hated him since the day I met him so I am super, duper stoked. Knowing he was a jackass is the one thing that I wish I would've been wrong about because it would've spared her so much pain, suffering, heartache and money. I honestly wish he could've been the man that she and so many others wanted him to be. But, at last, she is rid of that two-timing, lying, manipulative moron. Wanna know how I really feel about him? That's the version I would give my grandma or a man of the cloth, let's just put it that way.

I can't deny that I am terribly upset about tomorrow being my last day of work at this company. I absolutely love my job and haven't been able to say that in the almost four years since I left my dream job and moved to this cold ass state. I'm trying to keep my head up though. Right now I know too many people without any jobs at all and to know I'm lined up to start a new one Wednesday is a blessing. I just wish I didn't have to leave here and it's making my heart heavy.

I send an email to Mr. No Show. I haven't heard from him in like two weeks. I didn't send it so much because I needed his attention or a pick me up or miss him so much I can't see straight. Yes, I miss the flirty banter and hope he is well...and, of course, I want to know if he is thinking about me at all. I just want to know how he is. What he's been up to. I can't help but wonder what's occupying his time in place of me. I keep it very light and friendly. He doesn't respond. Could he suck any worse?

TUESDAY
I get an email from Dr wishing he could've seen me while he was here. I feel bad, and at the same time, I don't. I wasn't in any condition to meet him this weekend. I'm way too stressed right now to try to make a good impression. When he moves here for good we can meet if either of us are still interested. Texts and calls from both Mex and Q. Both of which I desperately needed. Sounds greedy that I need both, doesn't it? Well, Mex cracks me up and Q makes me feel important and needed and special. Their attention compliments each other well. I get a flirt online from Professor Stalker. What the fuck, bobaloo? I have him blocked from contacting me. I go in and block him...again...just for good measure. It kind of feels like overkill. Like building a moat around Fort Knox or something but it has to be done.

Q wants to come see me this weekend. He's begging me to come Friday and not have to wait until Saturday. I have some crap I need to get done Saturday morning and Friday night I was hoping to chill or meet up with Mex. I continue to insist he comes Saturday instead. Of course, if my week doesn't perk up I'm sure I will let him come Friday out of selfishness and greed. As far as Mex and Q go, I think I need to do a little pro and con break down. Please, bare with me here. I will keep it sweet and short.

Mex-Mex and I have great conversation. We haven't touched on any real deep subjects or anything but our talks are funny and full of witty banter. His problem? Right now I deem him completely unreliable. I'm still leery about getting stood up by him last Friday night, family drama or not. That's bullshit and generally unexceptable. My fear is that he seems to be distracted by family often. Now, I'm a huge fan of my own family and find it an important quality in a mate if they are close to their own. BUT...if you really want to meet me as badly as you say, take a stand and make it a priority. My sibs would understand if I couldn't join them every single stupid night cuz I had a date or something. If you don't make me a priority, I will get bored very quickly and scoot along my merry little way.

Q-Q is very sweet and attentive and I can tell he will be super affectionate and in tune with my needs, even via phone and text. I like this quality a lot but I could see some potential clingyness there. I have a weird feeling he wants to get super serious super fast. This is something that scares the holy gageebees out of me. I've been there, done that, and it never ends well. When he wasn't able to come last weekend I went to poker night anyway. He texted me Sunday and asked to make sure I told all the guys there that I was taken. Now, I was related to most of the guys there so it wasn't an issue but, dude, for real? We will see how it goes when we meet and if them chemistry meter is out of this world but for now, he needs to slow his roll. I think he would freak if he knew I was talking to Mex and keeping my options open but he's off his rocker to think that I wouldn't have learned from my past mistakes and invest too much prior to meeting. I don't care how cool you are via text, email or phone. I have to have a face to face to know if you are worth me even considering to clear out all pockets.

The plus for both of them is that they both make references to long term and neither seem to be hunting for fuck buddy status. Of course, I've judged intentions wrong before. You would think I would be a pro by now but, alas, I am not. The point being both of them say things such as "well maybe this summer we can" or "when you meet my family you'll understand" or my friends are going to love you". You know, things you generally wouldn't see to someone you were trying to hit and quit.

I was a mess when I left my last day of work and they were both great and supportive. Q honestly could not have been any more supportive and worried and trying to cheer me up. Mex was hilarious in his approach, although kind of like a good buddy or big brother kind of way. Two points for Q on that one, I guess.

Batting 0-3

Texts/phone calls with Q and Mex most of Friday. Was supposed to meet Mex at 6:30 Friday night for our dinner date. He called at 5:30 and said his nephews were still there but should be picked up by 6:30 or so cuz his sister went to the 4:30 movie. He says to leave at 6:30 instead of get there at 6:30. Fine. I leave my house at 6:30 and I'm just getting off his exit when he calls. Did you get my message? No. As I say no, my phone beeps that I have a message. Frickin' Sprint. Mex says that his nephews are still at his house and his sister isn't answering her cell phone yet. Ok...I ask if there is any place by his house I could chill at until they are gone. He says not really (and there's not) so i'm like, no big deal, I'll just pull over and wait since it shouldn't be long. He says he's going to run the boys to their house rather than waiting for his sister to come pick them up and he should be back in like 20 minutes. So I chill in the car and smoke and wait. Remember, he doesn't have a cell phone, which has annoyed me on other occassions as well. I wait until 7:30, drive by his house and it's dark. I try calling and he doesn't answer. F this. I'm going home. He calls on saturday and he's so sorry and there was drama and they didn't get home until 10:30 and blah blah blah. I tell him he's rude and should've called. He said he tried but he couldn't remember my number and some weird lady kept answering. I tell him he needs to put my number in his wallet or get a cell phone or forget about me. Those are his options.

Q is on overdrive all Friday night and early Saturday morning how he's so excited to come see me and cannot wait. Well, about noon he calls all pissed off cuz his brothers car won't start cuz it's so cold and so he's taking Q's to work today and tomorrow. Meaning, Q has no way to get there. I'm like, whatever. He asks me to come get him but I say no. I'm not driving an hour and a half each way to come get you and take you back tomorrow. Sorry, dude. All day saturday he's trying to talk me into coming to get him. I tell him we'll just meet another weekend.

Both Mex and Q were up my butt all day Sunday, groveling. I really like talking to Mex but I have to make a point that what happened Friday night was fucked up and will not be tolerated again. Q was texting me non-stop and maybe I'll regret it later but I just wasn't feeling up to communicating. I was too tired too care and didn't pay either of them much attention. Oh, and Vanilla IM'd me on Saturday afternoon to say he was sorry and he didn't know how to handle things and was embarassed by the way he acted and really wants to be friends, blah blah blah. Dr called yesterday to meet up while he was in town but I was tired and not feeling like being bothered by anyone. I just wanted to chill at the house and recover from the party I went to Saturday night. So of my three dates I had set up for this weekend, not a single one panned out. Not very good odds on my part. You would think I could've gotten 1 out of 3 to be a success. I’m not whining, mind you. I actually had a really fun weekend, all things considered. And Yommey’s new man took us out to dinner Saturday night, drove us home after the party in a mini blizzard and took us to breakfast Sunday morning so that was awesome. I got some rewards of a date but didn’t have to deal with my own guy so really, it looks like I totally won on that one!

Guess we'll just have to wait and see what this weekend brings. I'm pretty much annoyed in general and stressed about switching jobs tomorrow so I'm not sure any of these guys really know what they're signing up for by trying to spend time with me this week. Plus, I'm broken so I'm crabby anyway at this time of the month. I might be best to push everyone off until Spring.

Technology Snob?

Lots of texts with Q yesterday. He assures me over and over that the myspace chick is lying and will not contact me again. He's still begging to come see me this weekend. I want to meet him so I agree. He will be here tomorrow afternoon. Didn't go see Kong last night. Don't think I can do four nights in a row anymore. I'm just not as young as I used to be.

I have my date tonight with Mex. He wants to take me to some ma and pop restaurant near his house. I'm really looking forward to it. He called this morning to ask again if I wanted him to pick me up. His old fashionedness is cute but him picking me up doesn't make sense. It would be a lot of wasted time on the road for him and I'm perfectly capable of making the 10 mile drive to his house and saving on gas and therefore single-handedly saving the environment. That's me, so green. Hee hee. So far I really dig Mex and I love that he comes with little to no baggage. Owns a house, has a good job, very family oriented, no kids, no ex-wives, etc. I'm a little afraid that we might end up hitting it off more like buddies than lovey dovey but we'll see. I've been wrong before. The only thing that I don't like about him so far is that he doesn't have a cell phone. He has a home phone and a voicemail but he got rid of his cell phone because he didn't like to be bothered all the time. This might not sound like a big deal to the average person but lest we forget about my A.D.D.?

I'll admit I'm a cell phone junkie. It's my crack. It goes every where with me. The only time I don't have it within arms reach is when I'm in the shower. That's it. And I'm used to dating guys that have theres readily available as well. He called this morning to tell me he was going to call me last night but ended up going to the bar with his cousin. See, normally a guy would shoot me a text and tell me that or call and say I'm going out and I'll catch you later. He can't do that. I can't text him or call him or have him at my beck and call in any fashion unless he happens to be at home. What the french toast is up with that? It's totally his perogative not to have a cell phone but I'm not sure my neediness and attention-whore personality can cope with that. Of course, if the date goes really well tonight and he falls for the player crack, I'll have him on a cell phone within two weeks. It will be my new mission.

Alls Fair In Love and Booty Calls

I apologize for being MIA the last week. I've had a lot on my mind that I needed to work through and I didn't want to bore you with all that crap. Plus, there just wasn't much of anything happening on the love front. I was starting to think that I had lost my mojo. It was really upsetting to me for a moment. Over the weekend I realized I was looking too hard. That's never been my style. What was I doing? And why was I still wasting time and thoughts on the dudes that were bringing me down? Because everyone slips up once in awhile.

I have not heard from or tried to contact Mr. No Show since last Thursday. Yep, a full week MNS free! And guess what? I'm still breathing. And I hadn't noticed he was gone again as much as I thought I would. No major impulses to contact him at all. If he wants to chat, he knows where to find me. The player is not chasing any man. That is the moral of this entire blog. The lesson I had forgotten lately. I'm the player. I don't need jack from any of these dudes. What the hell am I doing pining away and having serious thoughts about a few of them for? Like Vanilla. What the hell was I thinking, even entertaining thoughts of us possibly getting back together after New Years? Oh, I obviously wasn't thinking clearly at all.

The first week after New Years Vanilla was all up my ass about hanging out and hooking up and what not. I have to be honest and say that I liked it. I liked the attention. I liked the security and safety of being with Vanilla. I didn't know if we could make a relationship work again or not but I had to admit that I loved spending time with him. Unfortunately we had a hard time hooking up because of illness and busy schedules and work and what not. Or fates ever-wise hand? Who knows. Point being, it hasn't worked out for us to get together since. Last week I talked to him and he was really sick and I was worried that he had pneumonia or something. I told him to go to the doctor. He said he would call me the next day and let me know how he was doing and what the doctor said. That was Tuesday the 13th. I didn't hear from him Wednesday...or Thursday for that matter. I tried calling him but couldn't leave him a message because his stupid answering machine was full. I sent him an email late Friday asking if he was ok or if he was in the hospital dying or something. He emails me back Saturday morning saying he was sooooo sorry he forgot to call, he's feeling much better, but he's been super busy catching up from being sick for 4 days. He says he's on the way out the door but will call me as soon as he gets back from running errands. He doesn't and it pisses me off. I try calling him before I go out Saturday night but still no answer and his machine is full. I text his buddy that he's with 24/7 to see what they're up to and tell them to come where we are. His buddy texts me back and says that Vanilla had his own plans tonight but maybe he would stop out later. Huh? Vanilla had his own plans? What the hell does that mean? Something gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I go on with my night with the girls and have a blast. At our 3rd bar we are going totally camera happy. A couple snapshots of me and the humongo and pretty cute bouncer get taken. I don't get his number or makeout with him or try to take him home. I take a few funny pictures with him. That's it. Remember this point, it will come in handy in a few. I try calling Vanilla when we leave the bar and he still doesn't answer. I want to rip his balls off at this point. He is the one that is always chasing me. What the hell is going on here? I don't know but I know I don't like it!!

Get home and I'm still agitated. I try calling Mex but he doesn't answer. I call Mob but he's drunk and in a club and I can't hear a word he's mumbling. I call Ronnie. Ronnie answers and we chat for an hour. I don't complain to him about Vanilla or losing my mojo or any of my stupid boy problems. We just chat about life and catch up and, as always, an hour later when I hang up the phone, I am at peace again. God bless that man for talking to me until 4 in the morning. Shouldn't he get a medal or sainthood for that?

Sunday and Monday I'm much better. I don't try calling Vanilla. He can come to me. A few texts with Kong. Nothing major. Then I get a myspace from his roommate Hot Sol. We chit chat back and forth. I get offline because Mex calls and I want to talk to him for a little while. Tuesday morning I have new messages from Hot Sol asking when I'm going to come over and hang out with them again. I tell him soon. Tuesday at work I chat with a new guy, Q, and Dr a little bit. Doctor will be here this weekend to look at the hospital and really hopes we can meet for dinner or something. I'm thinking I will go. Depends on my mood. Lately, I've been losing the little bit of interest in him that I had. Hot Sol emails me and tells me I should come over and see him and Kong. I tell him Tuesday nights I'm a homebody. It's my rule. Everyone knows this. As I'm waiting for my favorite show to start I check my email. I have a few facebook messages so I go in and see who's saying what. As I read my friend updates I notice something very interesting. I have a notification that Vanilla has changed his status from single to in a relationship. What the hopping fuckity fuck?! Ain't that a dick kicker? I sit and process for a second. So that's why he hasn't been chasing and in fact has been avoiding my calls. What a piece of crap.

Am I mad Vanilla found someone? Not at all. But we had an arrangement and I should not be the last one to find out and I sure as hell should not find out over Facebook! That's just bullshit. His Facebook says he's at home watching a movie. Knowing he won't answer and on the chance that she's sitting there next to him on the couch I decide to call and leave him a message for both of them to enjoy. "Hey, baby. It's me. Just checking to see how you're feeling. Oh and I saw your facebook status, that's awesome. Awesome that you're such a dick, especially after fucking my brains out on new years and then begging for more the whole week after. Guess your new relationship must be really serious. Anyway, you shouldn't have been a lying ass. We had an understanding. You just had to be honest and maybe we could've still been friends. Peace out homey." I change my facebook status to "shouldn't be surprised he lied...again!". I don't know whether to laugh at my stupidity for caring, punch him for being a dumbass or cry because oddly enough, I'm a little hurt. I'm not sure if it's my pride or my heart that's hurting but something is off inside there.

Yesterday when I log into my yahoo I have the following IM sent while I was off line...

Vanilla's message "I really didn't appreciate that message. After I saw the pictures of you going out and rubbing up on that guy I figured I was no longer of any interest to you. I went on a couple dates with a girl and we hit it off. I just figured since you didn't miss me I would try things out with her. Everything that happened was after new years. It seems all you want from me is sex anyway. I have been really sick, don't think I've been blowing you off. Things only got serious recently. I still want to be your friend. Just because you want to jump my bones doesn't mean we can't still do things together and hang out. I would really miss you in my life."

Then, an hour later, he had sent another one. Hee hee hee...

Vanilla: I just saw your status on facebook. I didn't lie about shit to you. Everything that happened was after new years. I am really offended that I am known as "vanilla" to you and your friends. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you're talking about me. Maybe I don't want to be your friend if you are just going to talk shit about me. Just because a relationship didn't work out between us doesn't give you a right to treat me like shit. I thought we had that understanding that a relationship wasn't going to work, but apparently not. I just thought we were having some fun every once in a while. "vanilla", wow i still cannot believe you call me that, i am sooooo pissed.

I write back and let him know that three strikes, you're out. You did lie, and I list them in chronological order, and I'm not having it. You can take your sweet as pie, good little Catholic boy shtick and shove it up your piehole. I didn't even dignify the vanilla thing with a response. Many people have nicknames for people with their friends. He has those little names for all his co-workers. I have them for guys I date. Plus, Vanilla isn't a bad nickname. It's just the truth. My friends and I could've been MUCH meaner in naming him had we wanted. I've dated, what, two white guys in 8 years? Don't you think Vanilla is a bit fitting? Yeah, exactly. He doesn't write back to that one but I swear the minute I sent it, my mojo walked in and possessed my body like it was back from vacation and totally refreshed. Woo hoo!!

A hottie, Q, that had spotted me on myspace took our email chatting to texting. I spend the majority of the day talking with him. He seems awesome. Really awesome. I think there has to be a catch. No, I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. I really like texting with him though. His texts remind me a lot of Mr. No Show. It's a good feeling.

Dom texts me to see what I'm doing and if I want to get together. I tell him I'm busy. He asks about seeing me this weekend. I tell him we will see cuz I'm pretty much booked up already. Plus, I'm thinking of steering clear of any flings from the past at this point. Dom's a great guy but we didn't work for a reason. None of those reasons have changed.

Q calls me after work. We talk for about half an hour. He wants to come see me this weekend. I figure, why the hell not and tell him I'd like that. As we're talking Mex is beeping in. I click over and tell him I'll call him back in a few. Kong starts texting me as well. I tell Q that I will call him before I go to bed. Turns out I will end up calling him sooner than that.

I call Mex back and we confirm that we're still on for dinner Friday night. He has this little whole in the wall joint that he thinks I will love so he wants to take me there. It sounds like a lot of fun. I like talking to Mex. He's funny and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Not sure how much we'll have in common when it comes down to it but I would like to meet the guy and at least see.

I get off the phone with Mex and Kong starts blowing up my phone, telling me to come over and hang with him and Hot Sol. I jump online and Hot Sol is emailing me and telling me to come over and hang with him and Courtney. I told them doubling the peer pressure was not going to get me over there any faster. As this is all going down I get a message from someone I don't know on myspace. The message says "can I ask you a question?" I look at the profile and it's a lady in a town 2 hours away. No pictures. The only thing on her profile is bitching about the man that broke her heart. She sounds a bit psycho and suicidal. I ask if I know her and what she wants. She says I don't know her but she knows someone I'm talking to and he's a liar and a cheater and she doesn't want me to get hurt. I ask who's she's talking about and she says Q. Says that's her husband and he's cheating on her, blah blah blah. I look at her profile again. It says she's single. I ask her why it says that. She takes a minute to write back and then said she's looking too if he's out playing the field. She continues to send me random emails but she keeps botching up her story. She says she knows we've been texting cuz she's looking at their shared phone bill right now. I tell her if that's true she should call me. She doesn't. She logs off almost instantly. I call Q and asked him what was going on. He says it's the psycho ex that he told me about (broke up in November). He says she sends that message to everyone he adds as a friend on his myspace, even his female cousins and co-workers. I tell him I don't need this shit. I've dealt with too many crazy ex's in my day and I'm not having it again. He pleads for me to believe him and not her. I say he better check that bitch in a hurry cuz if she contacts me again it's going to get very ugly. He says he has no way to contact her and that he hasn't talked to her in months. I tell him I will have to call him back later.

Kong starts texting me about how I blew him off and why I won't hang out with him. What the holy geese are you talking about, dude? He hasn't invited me over since the first night we met and I left cuz he was pissed. He says, "Yeah you left, remember. You didn't want to hang out." I said I left because I thought he wanted me too and I've tried to see him since then which he claims has been a series of misunderstandings. I tell him then we'd be probably be doomed anyway if we can't communicate well enough to set up a second date. He disagrees and think we need to give it one more try. I tell him I'm game and it's up to him. If he can figure out when and where I will go out with him one more time.

My brain is a little fried at this point so I crawl into bed and watch "Drumline". I need some mindless entertainment while staring at cuties. I wake up this morning with a missed call from Mex and a text from Mason. Huh? I haven't heard from Mason in over a week. Where the hell is he coming from?

Texts from Q today, bright and early. Emails and a short conversation with Mex. Dr emails me and tells me how he can't wait to see me when he's in town. Kong texts me and says he thinks I should come over tonight. Ok, let me get this straight. Thursday Kong, Friday Mex, Saturday Q and Sunday Dr? Holy crap, when the mojo comes back, it comes with a vengeance.

A note to Von on our would've been 4 year anniversary

Von,
I want you to know I forgive you. I can finally say that and mean it. The way you did me was wrong and I shall never forget it, as I know I will not forget you. How could I? You were my one great love. The days we shared were the best I had ever known and I can say, with no hesitation, that I loved you with all that I had. I like to think you did too, while you could.

You lied. You cheated. You stole my trust, my soul and my heart...but I let you. Like a child you pushed to see what you could get away with, to see how far I would allow you to go. You took and you pushed and you nearly broke me. For a long time after you, I no longer believed in love. I thought love was nothing more than a bought of temporary insanity. I guess, in a weird way, it is.

The man you became is not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I hope that you are happy and that someday you will be the man I believed you could be. I look at you now and wonder if I ever really knew you at all. At this point, it doesn't matter if I knew the real you or the you I wanted to know. All that matters is that I do believe that for everything that happens there is a reason. For every lost love, a lesson to be learned. It took me two long years to see what lesson you came with, what purpose you being a part of my life held. I can finally assess the situation with a more objective eye, without the shadow of heartache. For all that you did to me, for me and with me, I forgive you...and I thank you...for I would not be nearly the woman I am today if there had never been you.

Brrr...

It looks to be insanely cold and crappy weather here this week. Kinda reminds me of my love life lately. Actually, that's a lie, the weather outside is at least changing. My love life is pretty much stagnant.

The weekend went like this...

FRIDAY
Normal texts with Mason, Kong and Mob. One email from Mr. No Show that was short and had no point. A few emails with Dr. and Bagley.

SATURDAY
Talked to Vanilla for a little while. Asked Dom where the party was at that evening. He had no idea. Yommey and I decided to head out on the town and try to find our own party. A few quick texts with Luck. He's trying to hook up but also says he has a new girlfriend. Well, my friend, get some from her then. Not me. Mason calls me while we're at the bar to see what I'm doing. Yommey and I have been thinking about taking a roadtrip so I tease him we might come up there and see him next weekend. He says bring it on. I severely doubt that is where we end up. Yommey and I get a little tipsy at the bar. I didn't venture to the dance floor and we sat in a semi-secluded area of the bar and there was a large group of our friends around us but back in the day at least one or two guys would've come up and hit on us. We got no bites. We tried a few other bars and they were dead so no prospects there. I talk to Mob on the way home. He gets on the phone and tells her that he's going to marry me someday and move me back to where he is. She tells him to bring it on. I try calling Vanilla at 4 in the morning but he doesn't answer. Shocker. I wasn't looking for any play at that point in time but just wanted to chat and wasn't ready for bed. I really fear I have lost my mojo. Nothing at the bars. No new leads online. You would think that someone interesting would pop up somewhere! Do I really have to go on an out of town roadtrip to get my eye on one that can hold my attention for more than two minutes? That would be quite disturbing if it's true. There is no way I have already met every available, interesting or good looking guy in the metro. So where the hell are they hiding? And why?

SUNDAY
I get an email from Mr. No Show. It's two words and a smiley face. It annoys me more than if he had not responded at all. A few emails with Dr. Get a text from Bagley but it's during my football game (which went terribly awry, by the way) so I don't respond. Was originally supposed to watch said game with Vanilla and get a little play but he didn't call and I didn't feel like calling him. Went to bed early, alone again. This is beginning to be quite the trend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Nor, which steps I should take to remedy it.

Fuming

A couple emails with Dr and Bagley. Mob was cracking me up all afternoon yesterday. Today I actually really debated on inquiring on his services. You know that whole mob thing, touching people up, giving them a little scare. I'm not saying sleep with the fishes or anything but right now I'm so fricking angry at the injustice in the world, well, my anger is really just towards one person in particular. He is the man that gives all men a bad name. He is the epitome of shady and low-down and disgusting. He is the king of using, manipulating, stealing and trashing people's hopes, dreams, hearts and souls. I'm pretty sure no one would miss the parasite. He's done nothing to better the world in any way. Ever since the day he walked into my life all he has done is wreak havoc and hurt on those I love. And now, he continues to hurt her, just for fun and sport, because he thinks he can. I would give anything to be able to buy her a forcefield that blocks him and his cruelty out for eternity. And it's not just her he's hurt. He has had numerous victims since that had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Shouldn't we be able to tattoo jackhole across his forehead or something to save other women he will come into contact with in the future? He's like a love felon but there is no way for a woman to look up his rap sheet.

I'm trying with all my might to believe that karma does work and he will get his and it will chomp off his big, fat, ugly head but it seems like the guy just keeps getting away with murder and no one can or cares to stop him. What is up with that? It sure doesn't make one have much hope in the whole good guys don't finish last thing. Maybe there will be a drunk bus driver barreling down the road the next time he crosses the street and splatter him all over the pavement. I know, sounds drastic, but if you had any idea of what this guy was capable of and the pain he has caused, you would cheer for his demise as well. I'm pretty sure Mother Theresa would've went Lorena Bobbit on the little bastard if she had ever run across him. He totally blows the goat.

Take Backs

We've all been in a relationship that failed and you wish you wouldn't have given the now-ex something or could get it back. For example, I wish Von would return my heart, soul and the $5000 he owes me. I kid, I kid. But seriously, engagement rings, favorite t-shirts, cars, electronics, family heirlooms, ceramic roosters, that red blender from IKEA neither of you use or whatever it may be. Those of us left bittered by a breakup usually have at least one thing we wish we could get back, but I have never heard of anything as absurd as I read today. This was the tagline "Man who donated kidney to his wife wants it back in divorce". Come again? Harder next time. Are you for real? I just don't think that internal organs are up for take backs. The good china? Sure, put up your dukes, let's get down to it. A kidney? Not so much, dude. No matter how awry things may have went in your marriage or how badly it ended, you cannot get your kidney back. That's kind of a finders/keepers situation or possession is 9/10ths of the law type thing. You can't ask her to give that back knowing she will probably die. And what the heck are you going to do with it? Have it reinstalled? Or just keep it on hand in case your good one ever starts sputtering? Obviously at some point you loved this woman enough that you could not imagine life without her and you made the ultimate sacrifice to save her. I commend you for this. Coming back now and asking to take that back is beyond ridiculous. You're obviously hurt and, although I don't know your situation, I'm sure your hurt and pain are valid but you asking for your kidney back is making you look like a cold-hearted, petty and spiteful jackass. She gets to keep the kidney. Be a man and go after those ceramic roosters her mother gave you two.

Too sick to fake the funk

I've been sick since Tuesday. Whoa is me. Feel like total crap. Had to keep rescheduling my planned rendezvous with Vanilla. Looks like that's been pushed to the weekend now. Dang it. Not much exciting happening in the love department. It apparently has a cold as well. Emails the last few days with Mr. No Show that have been consistent but void of much attention and ego boosting powers they usually have. A few exchanges with Dr. and Kong. I'm starting to notice a trend in my boys vs. blogging. If I don't mention them everything is fine and tends to get better and better. As soon as I put them in the blog, they fall off. I get annoyed at them or they disappear or whatever. Am I jinxing myself by mentioning them in here? I realize this sounds a bit superstitious but I'm just saying, there seems to be a trend.

I spoke to an old high school friend a few days back. She is pretty much in the same boat as me. Divorced, no kids, no love prospects, etc. And she's perfectly ok with it. It was nice to know that I am not the only person without those things in the world and that yes, it's okay. In the words of Michael Jackson amidst his crazy hayday "You are not alone". That's always a nice thought to keep with you.

Read a quote yesterday by Robert Frost. It says "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." I love it. So simple, so true. I'm off to pop some vitamin C pills. Fear not, I will return soon.

Back To Reality

The holidays are over and it's back to normal. Of course, normal is such a relative term, isn't it? Didn't do much this weekend. Was supposed to go see Vanilla yesterday but he wasn't feeling well. We rescheduled for today but he's still sick. We're looking at Wednesday now for a rain check. Emails with Mr. No Show throughout the weekend and today. He told me he needed a cheerleader for his basketball game tonight. I told him he had to tell me where. He never responded, of course. Spoke to Bagley Saturday night on the phone. He doesn't give very good phone. Today he sent me a sappy email hoping things were ok since we didn't talk yesterday. Law called tonight but I didn't answer. Emails with Dr. Nice guy. He's on the East Coast but will be doing his residency here in the fall. He's coming to visit the hospital in three weeks. We plan to meet for dinner while he's here.

Love Burn

like embers that float from a fire
against a midnight black
they dance for awhile
then scorch my heart
leaving tiny battlescars
for me to heal
they fall back to earth, cold ash,
in another location, into anothers life
i watch them leave, helplessly
some i mourn
some i blow to rush their departure
some have been lit but a moment
some a slow heat that lasted many moons
some i've tried to catch and save
but always they are gone, eventually
no heat, no light, out of my sight
not necessarily out of my mind
this fire never quite dies
something, somewhere, somehow
always keeps it burning,
even when i wish it would be extinguished
i cannot help but to be drawn to it,
mesmerized by a glimpse of it's power,
wanting to be warmed by it for eternity
rather than hurt when i get too close.

I Wonder

i wonder why it hurts to love me
why no man can survive
the honesty i speak to them
and the fire in my eyes
why is it they can't man up?
why can't their hearts be true?
what happened to gentlemen of years gone by
and the things that they used to do?
and worst of all, after the pain you bring,
i wonder why i still love you.

It Would Be Easy

it would be easy
to be yours again
and convince myself that it's okay
to look in your eyes
and make believe
that we mean all the things that we say
it would be easy
to lie to myself
and say that you were the one
you're a dear friend
we get along great
and we always have lots of fun
it would be easy
to wake to your kisses
and sleep tight each night by your side
to smile when we're out
and tell you i love you
and convince you this is not a lie
it would be easy
to sell myself short
and settle down in your safe grasp
but i know i can't love you
as much as another
and this facade with us would never last
so i must stop this now
and not lead you on
you deserve so much better than me
you don't understand now
but someday you will
just friends is all we can be.

The Games That We Play

Apparently Mr. No Show did not like the email about me sleeping next to someone else. He figured he better turn on the charms and attention, lest I forget he exists. He blew up my email all day long until he left work at 8 pm telling me how much he would love to come over after work and unwind with me and relax. Of course, he didn't. He never will. He just talks the good game and never comes through. Texts with Kong & Bagley, missed a call from Ney. Emailed with Gopher most of the morning. He's very intriguing. Perhaps a bit artsy and philosophical for me but it's a welcome change from the idiots that just wanna bang me. Good conversation will always prevail on my priority list so we go back and forth for most of the week. I'm awakened at 2 a.m. with a call from Mason. I haven't heard from him for 5 days. He is jibber jabbering my ear off about nothing inparticular. It was nice to talk to him and hear his voice but that ship has so sailed at this point. I think we will be friends for awhile though and that is always nice. Just don't think I will probably see him anytime soon and it's hard to build on anything when we're 2 hours away and both so busy.

Ringing In The New Year

Well, I ended up ringing in the new year with Vanilla. Ding Dong! And I mean that in a good way. Started off downing a bottle of wine at my house by myself. Hung with my girl Fair for awhile. Went to my brothers party where I sat with 6 married couples, 3 of which are expecting children so pretty much every single conversation was about weddings or babies. Love my brother but I couldn't stay and endure that. Met up with Fair and Vanilla and his buddy at the bar. I actually had a blast. Got many, many kisses at midnight, and really, all night long. He's very attentive and affectionate when I want him to be. A group of us went back to his house after the bar to hangout. I was sleepy and went to bed before them. He woke me shortly after and let's just say he kept me up for about 2 hours after that. He wanted to spend the day together watching football and hanging out but I wanted to be home and do some vegging out.

Texts with Kong. Talked to Vanilla briefly before bed. Bagley never called about that date he wanted to set up. Got out of the shower this morning and my phone was buzzing away with a message from Mr. No Show asking about my new years eve. Says he went out with the guys and was home alone at 1 because he's a good boy but wishes I would've been next to him instead. Here's what pisses me off about him. I could've been. All he has to do is appear. Idiot. So I wrote him back and said I went to a party, the bar and an afterhours. I went to bed at 3:30 in the morning next to someone else because I'm a naughty girl. He didn't write back.