Somedays It Feels Like My Hearts In A Turbo Salad Spinner

The weekend went the same as many in the past. MNS telling me he is going to try to see me and not coming through. Spending my nights hanging out with my girls, Balls and his crew. Texts and calls with Random #1. Out of the blue calls from Dom and Rebound, which I don't answer. Mob calling just to hear my voice and tell me he loves me. Sunday night Marine calls and wants to hang out but I'm too tired and it's late.

I wake Monday morning to a text from MNS saying he has to go into work and can't come over. I'm not shocked. I'm not even sure if I'm that disappointed. I mean, I am, of course but it's become the norm and perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to it. Perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to him. Does this have anything to do with Random #1? A little bit, I'm sure. There is just no comparison in the way they treat me. So why do I still love MNS when he's such a fucking dillweed?

You know those stupid forwards you get on your phone now? As if those didn't annoy me enough in email and now they've found their way to my cell phone. Anyway, I have one in there that I read Monday morning. It says the following "Wait until you find a guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot or sexy. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the person that kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world. Who holds your hand in front of their friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to their friends and says "there's my baby". Wait for the one that's true to you." I read it a couple of times. MNS can hardly return a text, can't keep his word on anything, I haven't met his friends (minus the St. Patricks Day incident) or family and we don't share much of anything anymore. Yommey is the only one that's met MNS and all my friends want to get shirts that say MNS SUCKS and wear them to his softball games. If we were on a version of love survivor, it's pretty obvious which one they would vote off the island.

Who's Hurting Me The Most? Not Him. I Am, I Am!!

WEDNESDAY

I didn't bother to text or email MNS this morning. We shall see how many days it takes him to notice. Balls and Random #1 are all up in my business non-stop. They are a brilliant distraction and I am thankful for that. I get a text from MNS at 3:30 in the afternoon saying "what's up babe? how's it going?" I tell him fine and leave it at that. No need for idle chit chat.

I spend a lot of time thinking in the evening. Both Balls and Random #1 are texting me non-stop and finally I tell them I'm busy so I can get a little me time. I tihnk about MNS a lot and what I want and what I believe that he cannot give me. It's daunting. I wonder how long this game between us will continue and I realize, it will continue as long as I let it. And I don't want to let it keep going like this. I'm about to turn 33 years old.

THURSDAY

I send MNS the following email:

MNS,
you were right. i have been pushing you to leave. i'm sorry for that. i figured out last night i'm pushing the wrong person. i should be pushing myself. you will leave whenever you're ready and it's your life. i, on the other hand, can only control my own and my reactions to yours. and, as much as i so want to be with you, i can't do this forever. so i'm going to give it to my birthday and if nothing has changed with your situation, then i will need to change mine. i just don't feel like i can enter 33 in the same mind set and playing this waiting game. i don't want to wake up 35 and you're still there tying things up and i'm like "what the fuck?" lol. if you're out by my birthday then great and we can move forward and see what happens. but if things don't change by then i am going to start seeing other people and exploring the dating scene again and leave you alone, as hard as that will be.

whenever you do decide to leave her, i truly hope that you call me and we can see where we both are at and hopefully give it a try if i'm not with someone else. i luv ya to pieces and i'm sure you understand where I am coming from. you've said you can't ask me to wait and just know that i made that decision on my own because i thought i would have you if i waited. and the thought of not having you in my life at all scares the holy fucking crap out of me. i hope i can still talk to you and see you a few times before july 1st. i'm just not going to be up your ass so much. if you want to see me, you will make it happen and i'm just going to roll with that and hope you do.

A few hours later he responds via text and says "interesting. so i'm on the clock now?" I tell him he's not on the clock but I am. I'm not being fair to myself. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me. I tell him he doesn't have to lose me. I get no response. If he wants to be with me, he will. I can't force him to do anything. This is all up to him now.

THURSDAY NIGHT

I go out for happy hour with the girls. Balls is up my butt and wanting to know where I am and who I'm with and if I'm having fun. Can I get a minute to breathe, please? Random #1 comes out and meets us for drinks. He's even more hilarious in person. We end up having a blast out and about. Then something terrible happens. I Amber Bock my phone. An entire glass. You know, my phone, my life line, my baby!! I fear it will never be revived and my night goes quickly down hill from there. Even though Balls is not out with us, his buddies at the club make sure to report back to him on every move I make. He keeps texting me but I can't reply on my barely alive phone. At the end of the night Random #1 comes in for the kiss and I totally kiss him back, all the while wondering what the hell I am doing. I pull away and give him a hug and call it a night.

FRIDAY

My throat feels like I swallowed a thousand rusty razor blades when I wake up in the morning. Yommey takes me to my car and I head back home to get some rest. Random #1 and Balls are both calling and texting to see if I'm ok. My phone is working a little better and I'm relieved for that. MNS texts me and says that if he can get away from work he would like to see me. It's a nice thought. I tell them all I'm going to take a nap and will talk to them later.

Balls calls me at 11:15 to see how I'm feeling. I tell him I'm a little better and he says that he has a surprise for me. I see his truck pulling in the driveway. I tell him he can't come in because I look like complete shit and haven't even showered. He doesn't care. We cuddle on the couch and it breaks my heart. He's so sweet and he likes me a lot. But his situation isn't much better than MNS's and I don't understand why I keep putting myself in these predicaments. Is Yommey right? Am I really so scared of being in a real relationship since Von that I pick the ones I know cannot turn into anything of substance? Some days I don't know. My phone starts ringing at about 11:30 and I have a slight anxiety attack, imagining it's MNS on his way over. What would I do? How would I handle the situation? Who would I pick? What the fuck am I doing? Balls is different than my situation with MNS. First of all, I think I will be the one to hurt him. MNS doesn't seem to have a heart on most days and would be fine if I didn't exist in his world. Balls would be very upset. I know this and he has told me repeatedly. My friends adore Balls and the way he looks at me and kisses me and talks about me. MNS barely knows my friends at all. But I know in my heart of hearts that if both were standing in front of me, readily available for the taking for infinity, I would choose MNS. Right or wrong, he has my heart and I've yet to be able to steal it back from him. I've snuck a few pieces of it loose, don't get me wrong. But overall, it's still his.

Once Balls leaves I spend the afternoon dodging any and all correspondence with any men. Yommey, Fair and I go to the club that night and hang with Balls and his buddies. He is a little crabby but still super affectionate and cute towards me. And really protective. Like, super over-protective. And it's not just that, it's his friends too. A few guys ask me to dance inside and I politely decline. A little later one of them comes outside to our table and says how he asked me to dance and I wouldn't and he wants to know why I blew him off. Before I can answer Ball's cousin says "Go ask her man if you can dance with her!" He points to Balls and the minute the guys eyes see Balls he slinks away. Now, that's not cool and I clearly do not have a man. When I say this outloud I can see shock and disappointment on Balls and his buddies faces. I'm sorry, but no man owns me. Plain and simple. I'm glad that you care and are concerned but do not mistake a few kisses and great conversation as possession papers on me. I'm not a car or an X-Box. And if you think I'm one of your toys, you best think again.

New Rules

MONDAY

MNS begins texting me bright and early that he's hoping to see me today or tomorrow. It's raining which means, theoretically, he won't be as busy at work and should be able to get away. Balls and the two other randoms I still haven't named (we will just call Random 1 and Random 2 at this point) are texting and IM'ing me all day long, as is Marine. Marine wants me to come hang out with him that night. I'm tempted but we instead make plans for next Tuesday night. MNS texts me before bed that he will see me in the morning.

TUESDAY

As I'm getting out of the shower MNS texts me and says he's not going to make it this morning. I say ok. He writes back that he's just as upset as I am. I doubt that. I remind him that if he wasn't living at home with her we wouldn't be having this problem. He says it's a nice thought. I tell him I'm waiting on him to make it a reality. He doesn't respond. This pisses me off. I text him and tell him that he should youtube the song "Stay" by Sugarland. I can't think of a song that comes closer to telling him what I think. It's a ballsy move on my part, putting everything out there, including my stupid bleeding heart but I don't care. I tell him not to text me again until he listens to it.


As I'm pulling off my exit my phone rings. I scramble for it. For a split second I allow my mind to think that this could be MNS and he's sorry and it's all going to be okay now and that song opened his eyes. Then reality cuts me off with the grace of a semi in the slow lane and I look at my caller ID. It's Balls. He is just calling to wish me a wonderful day and he hopes he can see me soon and to remind me how beautiful I am. You know, exactly what MNS should be doing but is apparently incapable of. I also get texts from Random #1 and #2 wishing me a great day. That's awesome. Even strangers I've never met make MNS look like a piece of shit.

An hour later I get three texts from MNS, faster than I can reply to any of them.
"what's going on?"
"where are you?"
"are you at work?"
Um, yeah, I'm at work. I've been here for an hour now. What is the problem? He texts and says he was hoping to stop by quick before he went up to the other plant. Sorry, you told me that you couldn't stop by this morning so I came to work like a normal person would. When he gets to the other plant he gets online and we start IM'ing. It's nice. We haven't been able to do that for a minute. And then things get really weird. He must've listened to the song. I won't bore you with all the chit chat but here are the important segments from the two hour session.



MNS: oh I know your a woman believe me. You like to do all that thinking and asking questions.
ME: yeah, god forbid. and i try to remind myself that you're a man. but i think most days you completely underestimate how i feel about you and the lengths i would go to to make sure you're smiling. that's why it's annoying. and i don't ask half the questions i want to so throw me a bone here!!!! lol.
MNS: I agree and appreaciate that but I thought we had that conversation a long time ago. We talked about us and what we are and the possabilities are for the future. Didn't we talk about that or am I wrong?
ME: um...refresh my memory?
MNS: That right now we are good friends with benefits of course and then once I am free we will explore all the possibilities. Isn't that what we talked about?


That's not exactly how it went down, but ok. I'm going to roll with him on this and see where he's heading...

ME: and if there wasn't a possibility for the future, you would tell me that. if you already knew it wasn't going to go anywhere further?
MNS: Yes I would tell you if there werent any future possibilities. You know there are. But I need to get out of the mess I'm in and sometimes I feel like you are getting a little serious. I know you want me out of my situation like I do but sometimes I feel like your pushing. Like when you do the whole drunk texting thing. Thats a little wierd.
ME: i get that. from my perspective though there's this guy i've been talking to for almost two years, been sleeping with for three months, and the entire time he's been telling me he's trying to wrap up loose ends and take care of things and i keep thinking it's getting closer and closer but it doesn't. and now you think i'm getting to "serious" after all this? Do you even care about me at all or am I just another fuck buddy to you?
MNS: How could u ask me that? You matter to me a lot but I can't call you anything more than that while I'm still living with my wife.
ME: So this is just a label technicality that is making me feel like total shit?
MNS: No. Babe, that's why I told you that if you feel I am treating you unfairly then go see other people. I don't really want you to but I am not going to ask you to wait cause that wouldn't be fair. I know that. Plus once I do leave I am going to have to get myself situated. And you already know the hours I work. I know it's crazy and everything.
Me: it is crazy. i guess i was confused because you kept saying "very soon" and to me that means soon. not months down the road. i don't have a problem waiting a little while but if your "very soon" is five more months, then i would have to re- evaluate a lot of things. i guess just once i would like to hear you say that you want me to wait for you and want to be with me. but if you can't really say that, then you can't say that. if it's just a possibility than that's all it is.
MNS: I do want to be with you!! but I don't want to say that while I am in the situation I am. And I definetely don't want to ask you to wait cause that would not be fair of me to ask. Also I would like to get my life straightened out once I am away from her. That doesn't mean seeing anyone that means getting my son and that situation together and having a nice place and doing my job good and playing my sports and seeing where you and I can go.

At this point I know exactly where this is going. Nowhere. How could it possibly? I fight tears for a second and totally win the battle for once.


ME: Ok, well call me when you wanna fuck me then, friend. Have a great day.


He dings me three times and I don't reply. Balls is dinging me. Random #1 is dinging me. I go out to the car and call Yommey. What the hell?! We decide that if MNS wants to pretend that we are fuck buddies that is exactly how I will treat him. No more chatting for no reason and seeing how the days are going. No more miss you blech blech barf shit. I go back inside and there is another IM from MNS.

MNS: Are you done talking to me?
ME: Yes. But I'm not done fucking you. Let me know when we can make that happen.
MNS: Today?
ME: Sure.
MNS: I can do 2.
ME: That doesn't work for me. Try again.
MNS: How about 1?
ME: See you at the house.

He shows up at 1:10. He crawls in bed with me and starts yapping. "Don't be angry with me. I wasn't saying that to be hurtful..." I shut him up by sticking my tongue in his mouth and sliding on top of him. It is what it is and there is no reason to re-hash it. Let's do what we came to do.

Those people that totally dig angry sex might be into something. The event was phenomenal. Or maybe it was because he tried harder and I tried less and was able to kick back and enjoy it. Not sure but it was great. When we finish it lays on top of me trying to catch his breath. I roll him off of me. He pulls me in for a hug and closes his eyes. I hug him for a second and then prop myself up beside him. He opens one eye, knowing this is my "I'm not very happy right now" or "we need to talk about something serious" stance.

MNS: What's wrong?
ME: Nothing.
MNS: Bullshit. Come here.

He pulls me into him again but I pull back and laugh. I tell him there's no need to cuddle. He says "but I want to cuddle. What do you mean, no need?" I tell him fuck buddies don't cuddle. I get up out of bed first, which has never happened, and get dressed. He sighs, knowing his calling us that was one of those things that once you put it out there, you just can't ever really take it back. He starts telling me a story about his buddy as he's getting dressed. I don't think it's as funny as he does. I walk him to the door and give him a kiss and a hug. He says he will email me when he gets back to the office. He doesn't and I don't email him either. I don't text him before bowling and tell him good luck or at bedtime and tell him to have a good night.

I spend the afternoon and evening chatting with Balls and Random #1. They are cracking me up and it's just what I need.

I'm Not Gonna Slaughter Your Rabbit, Fool.

The weekend was what has become the norm. Texts and broken promises from MNS that he will come see me soon and how much he misses me. Still another weekend without him. Although he did call me again which made me happy. That's a sad statement, isn't it? A call from him, something he should probably be doing on a regular basis anyway, made me happy. Friday was a little rocky for MNS and I as he had a softball game that night and I wanted him to invite me. He didn't. He tried to make me feel bad for making him feel bad for not inviting me. Huh? How the hell does that work? Friday night I spend hanging out with the girls at the club where Balls works. Everyone there thinks I'm his girlfriend. He doesn't correct them and it's kind of weird to me. Yommey and I get drunk and Balls and his buddy have to drive us home. I get some sweet kisses and then sent to my room to sleep alone. Which is, of course, a good thing. When I get into bed I send MNS a text that says "you know, you probably shouldn't be a dick to me. just a thought."

SATURDAY

I'm awakened at 5:43 by a barrage of texts from MNS asking how he was a dick to me and what that was supposed to mean. Seriously, if you have to ask how you were a dick to me, you have more issues than I thought. He asks again what my text meant and if I were threatening him. I said "yep, I'm gonna go Fatal Attraction on you. Lock up your bunnies." What the fuck? I'm just telling you to be nice to me. If I was going to out you I would've done it by now and could've done it a million times. Do you not remember that I have your home phone number, address, wife's name and social? Please, homeslice. Give your mistress some credit here. If I thought that outting you might help me get my way I would probably dab a little evil on my face and consider it long and hard but I don't see that bringing me the end result I desire. We text throughout the morning and he tells me how he is going to come see me after work. Yeah, we'll see, won't we?

Talk to Balls pretty much non-stop all day and every day. The weekends are no different. He calls just to hear my voice and ask me how my day is going. Sounds like something someone else should be doing. Are you taking notes MNS? I continue talking to two other randoms that I have not yet named.

MNS does not show up after work and when I try calling him at 7, his phone is off, meaning, I will not hear anymore from him tonight. Mother trucker. Balls wants me to come see him at work but I don't feel like leaving the house and none of my posse is up for going out.

SUNDAY

Numerous texts from Balls and the other two randoms. A few from Marine. MNS sends me a text in the afternoon that says "what's up babe? I'm missin you so much!" I write back and ask him if he misses me enough to come see me today. He doesn't answer.