A Ghost, A Cell Phone and Marinara Sauce

driving home from work and check my messages. Barbershop called. He’s in jail. His bail is $10,000 he ONLY needs $1000 or the pink slip to my car. If I can bring it down to the jail he’d love me forever. And this fucker is dead serious. Gives me his booking number and everything. Says he’ll see me soon. Are you fucking mad? I don’t even answer your calls. What makes you think I would give you a thousand dollars to get out of jail? I barely know you. And if something happened to me where I needed bail money, this guy wouldn’t even be in the top 100 list of people I would call for help. But there he is leaving me a message of how I’m the only person he’s got. Sorry dude, you ain’t got me. Get over yourself. Have a nice stay. I instantly call Dorothy to validate my stance on the situation. She too thinks he’s crazy. Case settled.

7:19 PM
I get home and make some dinner. I’m standing over a pot of spaghetti sauce, stirring away, when my cell phone rings. I pick it up and look at the caller ID and my heart drops. Then the phone drops. I nab it out of the air just as it starts to break plane on the marinara sauce. The name of the caller is Jas. I don’t answer. I don’t know what to do. I sit on the couch, phone on my lap and wait for the voicemail to ring. It doesn’t. Crap.

Seriously, this can’t be. Jas is dead. He’s been dead for two months. Last time I saw him he was lying on a chair, blood spilling from his mouth and his chest. Vagina Jane said there was no way to save him and she’s an E.M.T. Everyone told me he didn’t make it. Perhaps one of his friends or family has his cell phone and they accidentally called me. Weirder things have happened. If it were Jas he would’ve left a message.

7:31 PM
My phone rings. Again it says “Jas”. This time I answer. It’s him. I’m completely trip out. I light a smoke and sit on the floor, trying to breathe. “I thought you were dead…” He was in the hospital for weeks but he made it through even though they didn’t think he would. He says he thought about me while he was there. Said he couldn’t forget my eyes. Said he had to see them one more time.

I can barely respond to anything that is happening. I ask about the shooting and he assures me they caught the guy who did it. He says he’s been waiting a long time to see me. I apologize for the night at the club. He says it isn’t my fault. I can’t help but know that it is. He asks if he can finally get that date I promised him. I laugh. It’s the least I can do. We aim for Thursday night. I feel like I'm planning dinner with Elvis or J.F.K.

I hang up the phone and trip out. I chain smoke. My ass needs a drink. I head to the bar and hang out with Sassy and FB. FB asks me what’s wrong. I shrug and say “I got a call tonight from a guy I thought has been dead for two months. He wants to take me on a date.” My eyes well with tears that I dare not let escape. FB needs no further explanation. He just slides me another drink and squeezes my hand.

A Pleasant Surprise

I’m feeling a little bad about the Gloves thing. I don’t want to fight with him. And if Dorothy and Sam are going to be an item, we’re going to have to deal with each other. I leave him a message to tell him that I’m sorry for the miscommunication and I hope we can be friends.

Talk to Big Tongue. He’s been leaving me these sappy messages about he hopes we can work through this and how I shouldn’t be mad at him and how much he digs me and whatnot.

I go to the bar to watch the Monday Night Football game. The game gets done and there is no one there to hold my interest so I head home.

10 PM
Gloves calls. He doesn’t hate me. He still wants to hook up. He’s been thinking about me. I’m glad we’re gonna be cool. We keep talking and before I know it, I ask him if he wants to come over. I don’t know why I did it. I’m not attracted to this guy in the least bit. But I didn’t want to be alone and we did have good conversation. Guess I needed a friend.

Gloves comes over and we sit up and talk for hours. He cheers me up by telling me terrible stories about MOB and how much he hates him. They’re not friends but they have friends that are friends and sometimes run in the same crowd. He had no idea that I was with MOB. I ask him if that makes him think less of me. Luckily, he says it doesn’t. The way MOB treated me only gives Gloves more of a reason to hate him. We kiss and it’s mindblowing. Not at all what I expected. It was sweet and passionate and amazing. As was everything that followed. Why the hell had I been trying to ditch this guy for the last week and a half? I could’ve been having this the whole time? I am such a jackhole sometimes. Always having my mind wrapped around stupid MOB and look what I almost missed out on. Gloves rocked my night.

I Hope You Get Gangrene Of The Testicles

Big Tongue and Barbershop call throughout the day. I don’t answer either of them. Finally, I answer Barbershop’s call. He wants to come see me. Really wants to talk. I agree. (Come on, he’s hot) He says he’ll be over in an hour.

Finally get a chance to speak to Freak Mama about MOB. She tells me that MOB of course was trying to sleep with her the night at her house. How he told her he and I were never a couple and that initially he had wanted to hook up with my sister. First of all, mother fucker, I have you on tape talking about me being your girlfriend. I have friends that you’ve told. Your friends that you’ve told. In fact, everyone at the bar we hang out at knows that we were indeed a couple. Especially Freak Mama. Don’t be a dumbass. As for my sister, you and I started seeing each other the first night we met. Was that your plan? Get one sister so that the other one would fall into your hands? Is that how it works in your world? Did you think I’d pass along a recommendation or something? Please. Lesson for all men: Fucking a woman’s sister is not a good way to win over that woman. I would hope this was common sense. Apparently I overestimated him.

I think the old me would’ve cried. This me just laughed. I had no choice. When someone loses their fucking mind and can’t separate reality and fantasy, you just can’t get yourself worked up about it. Take it in stride. Keep it in mind. Hold a grudge. Never let them in again.

Barbershops brother calls to tell me he ran into a little bit of trouble with the police on the way to my house. At this point, I could give a shit less.

Not For A Million Dollars

Took BD to the airport. Spent the afternoon at Freak Mama’s playing cards with her, Joy and Ty. I was hoping to get her alone to find out what MOB said but it didn’t work. Talked to Big Tongue. Barbershop is calling every hour. Get a hint, dude!

9 PM
To the bar with Freak Mama, Joy and Dorothy. Barbershop shows up. Sam comes and we make nice. Barbershop asks if he can come over. I tell him I’m going to an after hours. I leave with Dorothy, Sam, Biggie, Nut and Jun. We all cram into the car and Biggie has his hands all over me. I keep swatting him away and telling him to knock it off. He tells me that he thinks since I’m not with MOB anymore that maybe we could get together. I tell him to keep dreaming. We drop off Nut.

We finally arrive at my house and pile out of the car. Jun passes out on the couch. Sam, Dorothy, Biggie and I have a smoke on the porch. At some point, for some reason or another, Biggie drops his pants to around his ankles. Dorothy and I quickly tell him to pull them back up. Meanwhile, Barbershop is blowing up my phone like it’s going out of style. I’m getting sleepy and I head inside. I lie down on the floor and decide to rest my eyes. Before I know it, Biggie is lying behind me. He puts his arm around me and tries going up my shirt. I tell him not to touch me. He can lie there but hands off. I doze off. Dorothy walks in and gasps in horror when she finds Biggie lying directly behind me, pants down, hands in his drawers. Ewww, ewww, ewww!! When she tells me I almost yack. Time to go before Chester the Molester tries anything else on me, or behind me.

Barbershop continues to call. So does Big Tongue. Big Tongue asks if I will come over. I’m tired but agree. I get to his house and it’s cool. He asks if I want to watch a movie. We head to the couch to watch something. I sit down and look around. There, right in front of me on the coffee table are two empty condom wrappers and an empty box. Can we at least try to keep the fact that you’re sweet talking me and boning others on the down low? Huh? I get up, put on my shoes and gather my things. Thanks for playing. Player, out.

Happy Fuckin' Turkey Day

I cook a meal for eight of my friends at the house. We gorge ourselves silly and then sit around playing cards, talking and watching football.

Dorothy calls and I ask her about her night. She says they just sat around at Gloves's house and talked. But apparently they were both really upset at me, which she thought was stupid as well. And Gloves claimed that he wasn't talking to me anymore and didn't wanna mess with me. Boo fucking hoo. My heart is broken. I wasn't going to hook up with you anyway, moron.

9 PM
BD and I head to the bar for a drink. Joy and Freak Mama are there. Joy asks me why I’m mad at her. What can I say? I don’t have a right to be mad but I am. I’m mad because of the type of person she is. I’m mad because she’s apparently been with every eligible bachelor in the place. Is this her fault? No. Maybe it’s my feminine insecurity. But I felt betrayed that her and I were friends and she had seen MOB and I together a hundred times and never told me. I ask her what happened between them and when. She said they slept together a couple of times but it was before me. Well at least MOB didn’t lie about EVERYTHING! Stupid butt-licker!

I ask Joy and Freak Mama if MOB went with them last night. I know he did, I just want confirmation. They say they all hung out at Freak Mama’s house. Joy apparently passed out and Freak Mama and MOB sat outside and talked, mostly about me. I ask what was said. I can tell by her face that it’s not good. She says we’ll talk about it later. I can’t believe this crap. My mind races with things he would've said. At this point I'm not sure I even want to know.

We begin playing darts and I see Glove enter the bar. My drink is dry so I make my way up and stand next to him. He looks at me and says "hey". I say "I heard you're not talking to me anymore?" He says "I"m not." I smile. "Sorry to hear that." And walk back to my dart game. I catch him looking at me more than once throughout the night. Hey, you picked the silent treatment, mister.

Barbershop calls about every 10 minutes for hours until I eventually turn off my phone. This guy is driving me crazy!

And The Walls Come Tumbling Down

My friend BD is supposed to fly in at 7 pm. His flight is delayed so I head to the bar with Dorothy before hand. Sam and Gloves meet us up there. Joy is eyeing Gloves as he and Dorothy hug. The first chance Joy gets she pulls Dorothy aside and asks her why they were hugging. Dorothy tells her that they are friends. Joy lets Dorothy know that she and Glove have been involved. Her exact words are “I’ve been there many, many times.” Dorothy doesn’t know what to think. I tell her Joy is a whore and to ignore her. MOB enters and makes his way over with a hug when he sees me talking to Gloves.

I make my way over to Sam and tell him what Joy told Dorothy and that it was pretty uncool. I look over and see Joy hanging all over MOB now. I make a face and Sam laughs. “Oh you didn’t know? That’s a happy reunion over there. That’s old news.” My heart sinks. Joy and MOB? But she’s the bar slut!

I find Freak Mama and ask her if she knows anything about it. She is as surprised as I am. I’m fuming inside. I make my way back to Dorothy and Gloves, watching as Joy tries to spread some holiday cheer with MOB. BD calls and I have to go pick him up. I tell Gloves I’m going to pick up my friend. He asks if we’re going to come back to his house and meet up with everyone. I say it depends on how my friend feels since he’s been traveling all day.

I pass MOB on the way out and tell him I’m leaving. I ask him to accompany me to my car for a quick second. He does and I ask him about Joy. He laughs. He says she once gave him head but that it never went any farther than that. I don’t believe him. “Whatever, it’s none of my business anyway. Happy Thanksgiving.” I start to leave. He fills me full of bullshit about how much he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. He was with Joy before he ever even met me. I leave.

As I’m driving to the airport to pick up BD, Sam calls. He starts bitching me out because he and Glove just figured out that BD is a guy. I don’t see why it matters. He’s pissed that I didn’t tell them. Again, I did say it was a guy and it’s not like that. He’s just my friend. Nothing more. But apparently they don’t believe me. I hang up on Sam. I just can’t take this shit right now.

BD and I head back to the bar for a drink. Dorothy, Sam and Glove are gone by this point. Joy is even more wasted than when I was there before and is hanging all over MOB. I can’t even watch. MOB makes his way to me and asks what’s going on after this. I tell him BD is tired and we’re going home. He asks if he can come over. I tell him he can. He says he will.

As BD and I are walking out the door I hear Joy calling MOB’s name in a loud, drunken slur. I know he’s not coming over.

Sam and Gloves keep calling but I don't answer. Finally Dorothy calls and asks if I'm coming to the house. I apologize but right now, behind MOB and Joy, Glove and Sam are the last two people I want to see.

Slow Down Tiger, You're Slobbering

Talk to Big Tongue and Gloves. Barbershop calls about 12 times but I don’t answer.

Big Tongue comes over to watch movies. We order pizza. He’s cool. Cuter than his online picture and super sweet. I can tell he’s digging on me. And I think, hey, this guy is really something. Plus he’s looking to actually settle down and that could be a nice change for me. When the movie is done we talk for awhile. He asks if he can kiss me. I’m giddy with anticipation. A sweet kiss on the lips. Nice. Then the ear and neck. Hello, Tiger. Then he comes in for the kill. And kill it he does. Not only is his tongue nearly choking me it’s so down my throat, but he’s like slobbering all over my face. I have pools of drool running from his mouth to mine. Swapping spit, literally. Dude, swallow!!! I’m almost gagging. I have to pull back. The mood is gone. I dodge his kisses for another hour as we talk and then start the obvious yawn. I need to go suction my mouth and head to bed. He leaves and I do just that.

I'm Too Tired To Care

Barbershop, Gloves, Big Tongue and Fury all call me throughout the day. Can’t a girl have a little piece and quiet once in awhile? Damn!

I go to the bar with Vagina Jane. I’m dead tired and the only thing I want is my bed but since she doesn’t get out much these days, I’ve gotta go. We play darts with Bird then head to another bar to meet up with Crazy James, Pac, Preach and others. Bird loses to me in darts. I tell him he owes me twenty naked push-ups. He’s eager to fulfill his end of the wager but I’m too tired. As Vagina Jane and the crew drinks this night away I actually fall asleep in our booth.

When Smart People Make Bad Choices

Talked to Big Tongue. Sam called to tell me that Gloves wants me to call him. I tell Sam that if Gloves wants to talk to me, he should get my number from Sam and call me. He does. He wants me to come over for a drink and to “watch movies”, which I know means have sex. I’m just not feeling him like that.

Instead I go to the bar and play darts with Freak Mama, FB, Sassy and Bird. Nay Nay and I invent a new shot. We test it out many times to make sure we got it right and suddenly I’m loaded.

Before I know it, it’s closing time and I’m wobbling at the bar talking to Cuz. I’m wishing it was Crazy James’s other cousin, Tiny, but oh well. I give him a hug and go to leave. A guy who had been eyeing me all night is standing at the door. He says goodnight. I get to the curb. He joins me. Says he’ll walk me across the street to my car. Before I can accept or deny there is a tap on his shoulder. We turn to see Cuz. He tells the guy “I’ll take it from here.” Cuz escorts me back to his car then drives me across the street to mine. I assure him I would’ve been fine but he doesn’t think my judgment is the best at this point. He says he’s going to follow me home and make sure I’m safe. But I know he’s pretty drunk too.

I park in the garage and Cuz pulls up behind me. He asks if I want him to tuck me in. His eyes are mesmerizing. I tell him to park his car. He escorts me upstairs. He’s far from the stallion I expected him to be in bed. But in his defense we are both sloppy drunk. Undoing shirt buttons becomes a riddle like breaking the DaVinci Code.

I think we were done by the time I passed out.

Follow The Car Full Of Hot Guys

To the bar with Dorothy. Freak Mama and Ruby got in a yelling match which led to a huge argument with everyone in the bar which led to the bar closing early which led to unhappy drunks.

Sam is digging on Dorothy and invites us to follow him and his boys to his friend Gloves’s house. Seeing how the bar is closed and we have nothing better to do, we follow.

Hang at Glove’s house with Sam, Smoke, Glove and random other guys. Some pre-teen lesbians show up and provide a show for everyone. It’s hilarious until we find out two of them are cousins. May I barf now? Dorothy and Sam are hitting it off while she is steady trying to get me to hook up with Glove. She thinks he’s a catch. I think he’s too short. Smoke keeps asking me why I won’t hook up with him. I laugh him off but he gets irritated. He’s only asked me about 50 times in the last few months. I tell him I just want to be friends and I’m not getting involved with anyone right now because I’m too busy with work and messed up over MOB. He seems to buy this for now. I lay on the couch with my head on his lap, listening to him and his boys talk football and watching the lesbians in the corner. Dorothy and Sam have disappeared to talk.

The sun is rising and my ass needs to go to bed. Sam, Dorothy and I leave. We grab a quick breakfast and Cinderella hits the pillow at the brilliant stroke of 6:30 AM.

Wherever I Go, Drama Follows

Emails with MOB. Saying he’s been hearing things about me but won’t tell me what.

To the bar with Asia. Darts. MOB came and bought me a couple drinks and played some darts. We resolved nothing.

I’m standing at the pool table at closing time talking to Sam and Compton when I see some Random guy reach over and punch the bartender (Nay Nay) in the face. She had an instant black eye. The bar breaks into chaos. MOB disappears in the melee. Last person I saw him talking to was Old Friend.

The drama continues outside with Baby Girl and some mean chick. Finally, we get everyone calmed down. Usher, Freak Mama and I head back to my house to drink, smoke and relax. Talked to Fury. Took Usher and Freak Mama home at 5 AM.

The Ex That Just Keeps Coming

Talked to Big Tongue, Fury and DG.

Prince came down. Out to dinner. Stopped at the bar for one drink. Tiny came through for about thirty seconds but didn’t say a word to me. Home. Sex with Prince. Back to the bar when he left. Darts with Crazy James and Freak Mama.

Online One More Time

Joy turned me on to a great new dating website. I’m getting hits left and right.

IM’s all day at work with Berry and Big Tongue. Emailed with Fury.

Talked to Big Tongue and Fury on the phone. They’re both okay. Neither one has totally sparked my interest yet.

Repeat Performance

Talked to DG briefly. He doesn’t understand I don’t want to be his friend. I just want my cash.

Barbershop came over. Messed around. He stayed over night. Not sure what I think about him yet. I can foresee some neediness.

There May Be A Reason

Missed a call from Fury. Talked to Big Tongue.

To the bar with Freak Mama, Joy, Preach and Crazy James. MOB came. Talked to him briefly before Baby Girl and Trina took him outside and reamed him a new asshole. Apparently there are rumors going around that he slept with both of them and a few others. Word has it he started them.

Talk to Sam and Frog for a few and then head home to bed. I can’t take the drama that MOB creates.

One More Time For The Road

Barbershop and I wake up and do it again. We make breakfast and play on the computer. He leaves for his niece’s birthday party.

Rock calls. He misses me. I miss him. Too bad he’s not here.

8 PM
To the bar. Hung out with Preach, Pac, and FB. Eventually Sassy comes and FB clings to her side again. I'm pretty sure I deserve this.

I Shall Fuck Him Out Of My Mind

Darts at the bar with Dorothy, Crazy James, Preach, Freak Mama and Joy. Slow night at the bar. See a hot guy walk in. Had to ask my friends if he was the guy on “Barbershop”. We can’t tell so when he sits down next to me and smiles, I just ask him. He laughs and says no. But he gets that a lot. He keeps me entertained for the next few hours between dart shots. He laughs as a couple guys make their way over and ask for my number. He thinks I’m a hardass. He says he was going to ask me for my number but now he was scared. I give him my number.

2 AM
Barbershop calls and asks if he can come over. I let him. We stay up until 5 AM while he helps me get MOB out of my mind for the night in a “big” way.

Apparently He Hates To See Me Happy

Vagina Jane and I head to the bar. We play darts with Crazy James, Asia, FB, etc. MOB calls and says his cousin has his car again. I go pick him up. We get back to the bar and play darts with everyone. It's just like old times again. FB quits when we get back. He won’t even talk to me. He sits over at the bar with Sassy instead. I can imagine that this doesn’t look very good to him.

After hours at my house with Crazy James, Cuz, Vagina Jane, Baby Girl and company, MOB and Compton. MOB is kind of being a dick once we get back to my house. I show him a project I’ve been working on for him. He loves it and makes Compton watch too. Baby Girl cries when I show her. But as soon as the little love fest is over, MOB is back to being moody and on the phone. He’s looking to talk to everyone but me tonight. Jackass.

Baby Girl Is My Yoda

Not only does MOB call me twice during the day. He also IM’s me while I’m at work. I can’t help but laugh. Baby Girl knows what she’s doing. I continue to act distracted while still flirty enough to keep him guessing. He asks what I’m up to tonight. I tell him I’ll probably just go down to the bar. Twenty bucks says he shows up.

I missed a call from Tiny. I tried calling him after work but got his voicemail. He called back but my phone cut out. I tried him again but got voicemail once more. Phone tag, Tiny’s it.

I head to the bar and play darts with Crazy James and Big NaNa’s. MOB comes down as well, acting surprised to see me there. Ha! As if. We start playing darts just the two of us and continue drinking. He’s in a really good mood and so am I. We have all out fun for the first time in a long time. We close the bar down. He walks me to my car. I tell him Vagina Jane is coming out with me tomorrow night. He promises to come by. We go our separate ways.

I get home and NYC wants to know why I'm so smiley. She's not impressed when I tell her I was hanging out with MOB. Again, she thinks he's bad news. Again, I can't disagree but for now, I'm happy.

When They Fear That You Don't Need Them...

DG came by work to see me. I don’t know why. All I want is my money, which I still haven’t gotten. I don’t have any plans for him further than that.

Met my friend Luk for lunch. He walked up to the table in the middle of a busy restaurant and yelled, “What’s up, hooker?” Then gave me a kiss on the cheek. More than one patron turned their head. He’s such a fruit loop.

9 PM
I’m sitting at the bar talking to Baby Girl. She’s telling me the best way to get over MOB is to ignore him. But warns me if I do this, he’s going to come crawling back. I tell her she’s full of shit. She tells me we can put a spell on him (she’s half Creole and digs on that stuff). We can do anything from making him beg for my return and loving me forever to turning his life into a living hell. Both are tempting. She warns me that both of them have consequences. I tell her I’ll hold off on the voodoo for now. I ask her what's up with MOB and Old Friend since she knows them both very well. She says they used to be together. They haven't been for a long time. Old Friend can't believe she can't get MOB back because he's in love with me. This makes me smile. As we’re talking who should appear but MOB. I didn’t see him. She told me he was looking for me. She could tell by the way he came in and what he did when he saw me. I pretend like I don’t care. Baby Girl tells me not to give him the time of day. I’ve gone since Saturday without speaking to him and he knows he fucked up so that’s why he’s here. I think she overestimates him. But she says “trust me on this one”. So I do.

He makes his way over to me and gives me a sad hello. I return and turn my attention back to Baby Girl. He wonders around to say hi to his friends Frog and Sam but finds his way back to the pool table and stands not even a foot from me. He turns and starts asking me how my week was. I say fine. Baby Girl grabs me by the arm and says “Oh my god, I forgot to tell you what happened last night.” She pulls me in and starts whispering in my ear. “Pretend like you’re listening to the funniest story ever.” We both start laughing and whispering. She glances at MOB. “He’s dying, dude. Keep it up.” Eventually he walks back over to Sam and Frog and we stop. He looks at me and smiles. I turn away. Baby Girl says follow me. We go for a drive to the store and pick up smokes. We come back and MOB walks right up to me. “I thought you left without saying goodbye.” I shrug. “We had to take care of some shit.” Baby Girl laughs and gives me a high five like we had some top secret dirty stuff to take care of. This clearly annoys him. “Actually, I am taking off now. I’ll see ya around.” I begin to walk away but he steps in front of me. “Hey, can I walk you to your car?” I shrug again. “Whatever. It’s a free country.” Baby Girl winks at me as we walk out. We get to the car and he tells me how his mom is sick and in the hospital again. I offer him my sympathy and prayers and nothing else. That’s all I can afford to give him right now. He looks as if he’s expecting an invitation to my house so I can cheer him up. But I don’t have the time nor the energy to put forth. I leave him in the parking lot wondering what the hell I’m up to.

Stability

Ronnie came down after work. We made dinner and sat around and shot the shit in front of the fire. I am calm again. I need to find him a good woman. He deserves it.

Promises, Promises

Tiny never called after church. DG called but I didn’t answer. I went to the bar with Freak Mama, Baby Girl, Preach, FB and Freak Mama’s friend, Joy. Drinking and darts as usual. I check my phone for Tiny but there are no calls that I’ve missed. I watch FB spend most of his night sitting and talking to Sassy. I wonder what that’s all about.

The Player At A Man Buffet

Let me put it out there in terms we can all identify with. You’re at a buffet. Everything looks good. The sirloin, the baked potato, the ceasar salad and the chocolate bottom pie. Do you need all these things? No. But will only one do? No. So what do you do? Of course you have a little bit of each, right? This is my feeling on the perfect man. He doesn’t exist but there are pieces of every man that brings the meal full circle.

Have a man you can depend on emotionally. This can be a friend, a confidant, whatever you want to call him. But don’t sleep with him. No matter how often he might try. Because once you do, he has slipped out of the appetizer category and into the meat.

Keep a piece of meat on hand. A friend with benefits. A sex buddy. A booty call. Someone you can call, no strings attached, at two in the morning after the bar and get your freak on. You won’t try calling him the next day and he won’t call you. There is no post-one night stand trauma or guilt.

Now you have fulfilled the emotional and physical. You need a mental dish. The dessert. The person I like to refer to as “the fake boyfriend”. A married man at the office, the guy that lives down the hall, a hottie at the bar…wherever. This is the guy who makes your heart skip. The untouchable. The one who can fantasize about but never really touch. He keeps your mind and body sharp and alert. You dream about the time when you will be together, knowing in your heart and mind, that this will never really happen but it gets you by with that flutter in your stomach. It adds pizzazz and mystery to your life. But remember, untouchable. If you take the mental dish over the line of physical or emotion, your asking for some serious problems.

By keeping these three types of guys on hand, you will never go hungry. There will always be someone there to quench whichever urge or craving you are having. And if/when one disappoints you, there are two others to indulge in. No one man or main course is ever going to satisfy you day after day so spice things up a little.

Bon appetite!

When MOB Disappoints, Who Will Save You?

9 AM
DG calls. I tell him why I’m pissed. He laughs. He claims he left his phone at his friends house (who happens to love him) and that it must’ve been her but they aren’t together. She loves him but they’ve never hooked up and never will. At this point I don’t give a shit. I just want the money he owes me back. I have too much on my plate to worry about this guy. He’s a pain in my ass.

NOON
MOB calls me. He sounds drunk already. Wants to know if I’ll run him to the store because his cousin has his car. I take him and Psyche to the store. In the middle of the deli aisle he does something embarrassing. I roll my eyes and laugh. Psyche looks at him as if he’s crazy. MOB says, “My boo doesn’t care. You love me, don’t you?” I don’t answer. He repeats the question. Psyche says “tell him no.” MOB turns on Psyche and tells him to stop trying to break up a happy home. And now I’m rolling with laughter. Happy home, my ass!

4 PM
I go to the movie with Prince. He wants to hook up again. I ask for a raincheck.

9 PM
I pick up MOB at Psyche’s house and we head to the bar. It’s the bartender’s birthday and we give her a present, from the two of us, together. Although I of course paid, we put our names on it together. It was a couple-y move and kind of weird. We get to the bar and things are fine although his buzz has worn off and he’s in a pissy mood. He begins playing pool. I hang out watching with Crazy James and Tiny until MOB can get drunk and happy again. I pretty much hate Tiny. Don’t know why. Always thought he was an asshole. But he’s being pretty human tonight and we decide to be friends.

The bar fills up quickly and we move to play darts. FB and Preach show up. FB is sitting across the room staring at me. I walk over to get my hug and he tells me how disappointed he is in me. I tell him that MOB and I are just friends but I can tell he doesn’t believe me. I head back over to the dart game and notice he watches me the whole night.

The bar is closing up and we all walk outside to leave. MOB turns to me and says, “I’m gonna ride home with these guys.” I look at the two girls and back at him. “Why?” He says because they’re going his way and he doesn’t want me to go out of mine. I tell him that didn’t seem to bother him when he called this afternoon and made me run him around town. He thinks I’m jealous and assures me they’re his friends from high school. I know these girls and that’s not what I’m concerned with. I tell him it’s the principal of it. We came together and I don’t understand why he’s ditching me. We’re both hammered and our voices are getting louder and louder. People are starting to look. “Fuck you, MOB! You’re such an asshole.” I begin to walk away. He grabs my arm. I turn around and yank my arm away, pushing him in the process. I take off for my car.

He doesn’t even follow me or look my way. I watch him get in the truck with the two girls and drive away. I start bawling and I can’t stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m crying uncontrollably. Sobbing, heaving. I try his phone (just to prove that I am completely fucking pathetic) but he doesn’t answer. I call FB. He answers but I’m crying to hard to talk. “Where are you?! What’s wrong?!” Through my sobs I blurt out…”MOB…he…we…fight…left me…” but a little less coherently. Suddenly, through my tears I see FB sprinting out of Denny’s and running down the street. He spots my car and jumps inside, pulling me into his arms. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I just cry on his shoulder until I can breathe. “I told you to stay away from him.” I know he’s right. “If you were just friends, you wouldn’t let him hurt you like this.” His phone rings. He holds me in one arm and answers with his free hand. It’s Preach. They’re ready to order. He tells Preach what he wants and he’ll be back in a few minutes. I apologize and tell him to go eat with his friends. He’s not leaving until I’m okay. I look up at him and can’t help but smile. “You’re the best fake boyfriend ever.” He kisses my forehead. I kiss his neck. We begin kissing and before I know it, his phone rings again. Preach tells him his American Slam is ready for the eating. I tell FB to go ahead and that I’m fine. He’s reluctant but I remind him that his eggs will get cold. He says to call him when I get home.

As FB gets out I see Crazy James and Tiny exit the bar. I pull up and ask them what they’re about to do. The last thing I want to do is go home and be alone. Crazy James has to head somewhere to see someone about some business. Tiny asks me if he can have a ride home. Although we’re new friends and probably won’t have a single thing to talk about, it beats going home, so I say yes. He gets in and begins directing me towards his house. Surprisingly we have a lot to talk about. Which is good since he lives further away than I realized. We chit chat away and I spot a casino up ahead. I make a joke about stopping in. He says sure. Next thing I know we’re both sitting at the black jack table with a couple hundred bucks in front of us. And we’re having a really good time. I realize there’s a side of Tiny that he never lets show at the bar. And I like that guy a lot better than the asshole bar Tiny.

3 AM
We leave the casino. I can tell he’s looking at me a little differently too. He continues to direct me to his house. I stop the car. I can’t take you there. I won’t pass that street. He tells me his house is just on the other side of it. I don’t care. I’ve always had the rule not to pass that street after dark. Last time I did, Jas and his friend died. I won’t do it again.

He swears it’s only two blocks and not a neighborhood like the one where the shooting happened. I reluctantly continue. He’s right. It’s not shady. And it’s not far. I pull in the driveway and he asks for my number and gives me his. Says to call him if I run in to any trouble on the way home. He’s totally making fun of me. Then he looks at me and asks what the story is with me and MOB. I tell him we’re not together and we’re just friends. He says that’s good. He’s known MOB since the 2nd grade and I’m way too good for him. Then he says he wanted to make sure MOB wouldn’t get mad when he tried to get with his girl.

He gets out (no handshake, hug, kiss or high five) and I leave. Before I can cross the two blocks over the “bad street”, Tiny calls. We talk the entire drive home. We continue talking, as I get ready for bed. We talk until 4:30 in the morning. He says he’ll call me after church and we can do something together. I hang up with a smile on my face.

Hello! Is there a single emotion I didn't feel tonight? God Bless America, this was a bizarre fucking night.

Who's Pinching My Nipple?

I go to the store and pick up the pictures that I took from Halloween. Oh dear Lord. Why can I not remember these? Why is Vagina Jane holding a can of tuna? Why am I sitting on Smoke’s lap while he stares in awe at my exposed breasts? Who is that girl passed out on the porno couch? Is that chocolate syrup or blood? Whose hand is in the shot pinching my nipple? Why am I riding shotgun in an escalade with four guys I don’t recognize? How did my neighbors not call the police?

I head to the bar and hang out with Freak Mama and Crazy James. Get a call from Delivery Guy’s phone but it’s not him. It’s a chick who is screaming at me to leave her boyfriend alone. I tell her to check her man and hang up. Bitches are so crazy sometimes. Like I knew he had a girlfriend. Please.

The Lesbian that had once tried to attack Vagina Jane at a party picks a fight with Baby Girl. Apparently she thinks Baby Girl is trying to steal her woman. Baby Girl makes it known that she is a fan of the cock but the Lesbian is not listening. They almost come to blows. Which is funny to me only because I’m wasted. In the midst of separating them I “accidentally” shove the Lesbian into the jukebox. (That one’s for your Vagina Jane) I’m a lover, not a fighter. I need to go home.