Hazel Eyes

i can't lie.

what i've done to you is unfair.

i wish i could tell you without hurting you.

i have been unfaithful, in my mind, in my heart.

i've let you believe that i love you too.

i'm not saying that i won't, but i can't say that i do.

right now, anyway, it's too soon to tell.

i know you think you love me.

you tell me everyday.

and because i am a coward, i have returned the sentiment.

i know that it's wrong. i wish i could take it back.

i wish i could tell you, when you smile at me and

stare into my eyes that i want to love you.

i want you with me.

i hope that this will work out.

but to be honest, i'm really not sure.

i'm no good at this game.

as much as i want to be in love again,

i'm not sure i believe anymore.

or worse, what if i convince myself that i love you

only for something to do or because you love me.

isn't that unfair and somehow worse?

why do you love me anyway?

perhaps if i knew that, it would be easier to sort out.

i don't want to miss you and love you and be hurt again.

can't you understand that and not rush me?

stop looking at me with those piercing hazel eyes when you're laying next to me.

stop caressing my hand and kissing my neck

and making me think you're going to stay for a very long time.

i realize that you think you love me

but, sadly, many men have claimed that before.

it's my curse.

i'm easy to fall in love with.

i'm impossible to stay in love with.

just wait. you'll see.

sooner or later you'll fall out of love with me.

and then it will be easier for both of us

if i didn't love you too.

easier for me to keep going.

easier for you to walk away.

you want all of my heart and i can't give that right now.

i need to keep a little bit of it. i just got it back.

and i'm not ready to let it go again.

unanswered

i'm not big on praying most of the time. i find god generally works with unanswered prayers in my case. guess you were another one .i asked him for a sign. any little sign to tell me what to do. i thought seeing your companies work truck every morning was it. i thought the sweet email you sent was another. i thought the yankees winning had to be one.i guess i only wanted to see the good signs. i mean, why would god keep reminding me of you every time i try to forget you? there had to be a reason, right? or perhaps i was desperate to hold on to you in my mind and god, fate and destiny had nothing to do with it. but i got my sign tonight. it was neon and flashing and surrounded by caution tape screaming danger. i'm not sure why i didn't confront you. maybe i knew all along in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart that something was awry? something was off. something was not right. that something was you. it was us. that something held your hand and looked at you adoringly. that something made me keep my distance while you tried not to stare my way. i'm surprised by myself. surprised at my lack of anger. surprised by my own naive surprise. why couldn't i see the clues? how could i not put this together? why did i want to believe you and believe in you? how could you have kept me in the dark like this? lied to me? deceived me? kept me hanging on to a shred of hope? another unanswered prayer. another night without you with many more to come. i hope you choke on the lies you told me. i hope your happiness fades. i hope you see a sign of me everyday and i hope it hurts...just as badly as seeing you tonight hurt me.

The Bull

i had an odd feeling getting ready tonight
something inside told me to stay put.
i didn't listen. i never do.
i will never let anyone make me a prisoner.
i am not afraid of anything life throws my way...
that's what i tell myself.
i smell you before i see you
and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise.
it's a familiar smell that once graced my pillow
i swallow the lump that forms in my throat
and plaster on a smile.
i notice those around me exchanging nervous glances.
they try not to be obvious but they watch you,
from the corner of their eyes, hoping you will turn
and leave before i know you're here.
they have no idea it's too late.
i felt you hours before you probably knew you were
going to come here yourself.
it's a sick thing this gift that i have.
sometimes it's a curse.
ok, perhaps i am afraid of somethings.
once i was afraid of never getting over you.
these days i'm afraid that i am over you, and love,
and all the feelings associated with it.
i always wondered why the matador stepped into the ring
waving that stupid red flag, knowing the bull would attack.
that's kinda how i see love now.
and i don't wanna be attacked.
i don't wanna be rushed.
i don't wanna be on guard and on the defense and defeated.
i convince my friends you won't talk to me.
everything will be fine.
you won't even know i'm there.
perhaps i'm trying to convince myself.
but i'm wrong.
i see you, the bull, staring at me from across the arena.
shit. there's nowhere to run.
all i can do is brace myself for the rush.
you approach and the blood pounds through my head so hard
it drowns out the music and crowd.
i don't want to let you come to me.
i want to attack you.
have you feel the heat.
have you sweat.
i want to smack you so hard you disintegrate into a million little pieces.
i picture this. POOF!!
i imagine picking up one tiny bit of your ashes off of the floor,
in between my fingers,
then blowing it away in the wind with one small breath,
only to vanish forever.
this is what i want to do to you.
make you go away,
have no affect on me,
disappear from my life, once and for all.
why did you have to love me?!?! i scream inside my head over and over again.
it's strange, i suppose, i never ask why you had to leave.
i ratherwish you would've never loved me in the first place
so i wouldn'thave had to deal with the bull.

SHE

She has no idea she's beautiful
how her smile lights up the room
and puts everyone at ease.
her eyes sparkle like the sun setting on the sea when she laughs, which is often.
when she looks in the mirror
she sees a million imperfections
when i look at her, i see my hero.
she is gentle and strong
fierce and forgiving
innocent and smart
she is the glue.
she is a rock.
she has the softest shoulders in the world, if you're crying
she has the stiffest upper cut in the place,if someone hurts you.
she's the friend you can call no matter the hour.
when she hugs you, you know everything will be ok.
she's not afraid to say what she feels.
she's not afraid to dream the big dream.
most importantly, she's not afraid to try love again
even though her heart has been shattered.
she just picks up the pieces
because she thinks practice makes perfect
and one of these days she'll find one who deserves her.
and i think she's right.

My Favorite Lie

We belong together
for eternity and more
because our love could never die
these are the things
that ring in my head
these are my favorite lies.
How much you miss me
How you did me wrong
How you still love me so
You can't live without me
I am your world
you said these are things i should know.
We'd build a life together
no one could come in between
it was you and me against the world
i was your true love
i was your best friend
you said i was your dream girl.
but you walked away
and never looked back
to pick up the pieces was all i could do
but i can't pretend
that there aren't things i don't miss
my favorite lie was lying with you.

closure

i guess i wanted some closure.
isn't that fair after all that you did?
shouldn't i get a chance to tell you just how angry i was?
two days in a room with no windows, just the sound of my voice
and the rage in my eyes.
i wanted you to cry like i did, for days and for months,
each day being a struggle to face alone.
i wanted you to have your heart ripped out and hung from the raftors,
dripping slowly until it beat black and died, while everyone watched.
i wanted you to know the pain of loss.
i wanted to rip away your dreams.
i wanted you to feel...just one more time...to feel something towards me.
but you hid, like a coward, knowing you did wrong.
unable to face the demolition you caused
not just to me, but to all that loved you.
you ran and i couldn't chase you anymore.
i realized, you were not worth the fight.
i knew i would never forgive you.
have i forgiven you know?
or is it just that i don't care anymore?
not to be mistaken for weakness on my part.
i could never forget, but perhaps that's not a bad thing.
i will forever be on my toes now.
if this was a battle, i don't want to be the victor.
that would mean someone else would go through what i did
and i don't wish that upon anyone.
even you.
and then you call, out of nowhere, to see how i am.
what did you expect me to say?
why is it that i didn't release the wrath upon you
like i had dreamt of doing so many times before?
because something in your voice wasn't right.
you were only the man that hurt me.
you were not the man i once loved.
and there was nothing left for me to get off my chest.
as much as it nearly broke me at the time, i know i'm better off without you.
you always said you didn't deserve me.
i think that was the one thing you were honest about.
it took me a long time to realize that.
but hearing your voice the other day did nothing.
i wasn't happy, i wasn't sad, i wasn't angry.
it's odd to say, but you're nothing to me now.
just a memory that seems distant and surreal.
although anti-climatic and lacking the revenge i thought i desired,
i finally have my closure.

My Old Loves

i got a message yesterday i wasn’t expecting.
heard you are coming back to town.
we make plans to meet up.
i wonder how it will be.
it’s been 1 1/2 years since we have seen each other.
i’m sure you’ve changed so much.
so have i.
mostly on the inside.
i think about the last time i held you in my arms
and how i cried when you drove away.
at the time, i thought i would see you again soon.
i still thought i would have you forever.
now, we’ve been reduced to occasion phone calls and picture updates.
sometimes i miss you so much it makes my heart hurt.
i wonder what will become of you.
will i know you all my life? will you forget about me as time passes by?
have the good times we shared slipped through the cracks of a memory that is older now?
then i wonder, how you will react to her?
your fathers new love?
will you like her more than me?
will she treatyou right?
does she have any idea how special you are?
how big your hearts are?
how sensitive you can be even when you try to act tough?
does she know how macaroni rolls?
will she sing ice ice baby and baby got back with you?
take you camping?
help you carve pumpkins?
will she hug and kiss you goodnight and pray before she closes her eyes for your safety and that you someday accomplish all of your dreams?
will she support you when you are down?
make you laugh if you have a bad day at school?
stand up for you no matter what?
or will you even know her at all?
I know i can no longer concern myself with those thoughts.
i am no longer a part of your life in that capacity
but i hope you will always know that i love you dearly.
that will never end.
i am no longer to be your step-mother
but i pray that i will always be your friend
and always hold a special place in your heart,
just as you guys do in mine.