unanswered

i'm not big on praying most of the time. i find god generally works with unanswered prayers in my case. guess you were another one .i asked him for a sign. any little sign to tell me what to do. i thought seeing your companies work truck every morning was it. i thought the sweet email you sent was another. i thought the yankees winning had to be one.i guess i only wanted to see the good signs. i mean, why would god keep reminding me of you every time i try to forget you? there had to be a reason, right? or perhaps i was desperate to hold on to you in my mind and god, fate and destiny had nothing to do with it. but i got my sign tonight. it was neon and flashing and surrounded by caution tape screaming danger. i'm not sure why i didn't confront you. maybe i knew all along in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart that something was awry? something was off. something was not right. that something was you. it was us. that something held your hand and looked at you adoringly. that something made me keep my distance while you tried not to stare my way. i'm surprised by myself. surprised at my lack of anger. surprised by my own naive surprise. why couldn't i see the clues? how could i not put this together? why did i want to believe you and believe in you? how could you have kept me in the dark like this? lied to me? deceived me? kept me hanging on to a shred of hope? another unanswered prayer. another night without you with many more to come. i hope you choke on the lies you told me. i hope your happiness fades. i hope you see a sign of me everyday and i hope it hurts...just as badly as seeing you tonight hurt me.