The Bull

i had an odd feeling getting ready tonight
something inside told me to stay put.
i didn't listen. i never do.
i will never let anyone make me a prisoner.
i am not afraid of anything life throws my way...
that's what i tell myself.
i smell you before i see you
and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise.
it's a familiar smell that once graced my pillow
i swallow the lump that forms in my throat
and plaster on a smile.
i notice those around me exchanging nervous glances.
they try not to be obvious but they watch you,
from the corner of their eyes, hoping you will turn
and leave before i know you're here.
they have no idea it's too late.
i felt you hours before you probably knew you were
going to come here yourself.
it's a sick thing this gift that i have.
sometimes it's a curse.
ok, perhaps i am afraid of somethings.
once i was afraid of never getting over you.
these days i'm afraid that i am over you, and love,
and all the feelings associated with it.
i always wondered why the matador stepped into the ring
waving that stupid red flag, knowing the bull would attack.
that's kinda how i see love now.
and i don't wanna be attacked.
i don't wanna be rushed.
i don't wanna be on guard and on the defense and defeated.
i convince my friends you won't talk to me.
everything will be fine.
you won't even know i'm there.
perhaps i'm trying to convince myself.
but i'm wrong.
i see you, the bull, staring at me from across the arena.
shit. there's nowhere to run.
all i can do is brace myself for the rush.
you approach and the blood pounds through my head so hard
it drowns out the music and crowd.
i don't want to let you come to me.
i want to attack you.
have you feel the heat.
have you sweat.
i want to smack you so hard you disintegrate into a million little pieces.
i picture this. POOF!!
i imagine picking up one tiny bit of your ashes off of the floor,
in between my fingers,
then blowing it away in the wind with one small breath,
only to vanish forever.
this is what i want to do to you.
make you go away,
have no affect on me,
disappear from my life, once and for all.
why did you have to love me?!?! i scream inside my head over and over again.
it's strange, i suppose, i never ask why you had to leave.
i ratherwish you would've never loved me in the first place
so i wouldn'thave had to deal with the bull.