Cleanse your body and your soul?

My rant for the day...I love Dove dark chocolate. I'm sitting here looking at the delightful little candy when I start to wonder, is it made by the same Dove company that makes soap and hair products? Doesn't that seem a little odd? Like if Hershey's had started as a shoe polish guru, would we really be all excited about the kisses? I'm a little perplexed. I decide to have one more and I'm sure this one tasted a bit like the sensitive skin body wash. Damn it! Maybe Dove cleans your body and your soul with their different products? Hopefully the lye isn't next to the chocolate bin. Of course, none of these thoughts are as disturbing as the fact that Jeffrey Dahmer worked for Brach's candy. Caramel with skin flakes anyone? Harf. Maybe, just maybe, if i eat enough of these little bastards from Dove my ass really will swell to the size of a small hippopotamus and I can travel with the circus as the amazing fat ass girl. Now that would be super swell. I'm sure I could find a totally new breed of men if I started traveling with the circus. Hmmm...aim high, grasshopper, aim high.

Beware When The Player Gets Restless

Sent a scathing text to Mason this morning. No response. Here's what kills me about men. They are supposed to be big and tough. They don't cry at movies or when they slice their finger or get knocked out in a flag football game. They are the protectors, or so they want you to believe. So how is it that big, stupid men can be so scared of women? If their buddy asks them something they will spit out a painfully honest answer. It's their nature. If a woman asks them something, they shrink and hide and cower like the apocalypse is upon them. Seriously, boys. Grow up. Be real. Answer a question. Be honest. It might get you places in the long run. Obviously I'm fit to be tied today. At lunch I got a call from Rock. As always his voice makes my heart melt. Oh, why didn't I run away with him years ago when he asked me? I know, I know, because I never loved him like that. Grrr.

On the subject of the past. I had a very odd dream about Ronnie last night. Perhaps it's because I've been choking down crabby patties and he was always my little piece of solitude? What's weird is that we weren't hanging out or talking or working on a masterpiece together. We were having dinner and about halfway through, we decided to have sex instead of cheesecake for dessert. It was like we saw it on the menu and thought that sounded good. We walked out the door of the restaurant and into a bedroom and we did it. Then we got up, got dressed and went back and finished eating. Just for the record, I haven't thought about or engaged in sex with Ronnie for over 7 years. Seems a little odd to me that I dreamt I used my peace to get a piece last night.

Time to Hibernate?

Nothing back from Pella. Shocker. Mason is slinking away slowly. Vanilla is up my ass. I told Stalker I went to the police and I will file harassment chargers against him if he contacts me again. I also figured out how to block him from texting my phone for real. That was exciting. Missed a call from MOB last night. Had a sex dream about Ronnie. WTF?! I think I'm glad I'm getting ready to leave for the holidays and hang with the family. It's time to hibernate.

Well that helped to clear up nothing!

Talked to Mason most the night Friday night on the way to my parents house. Saturday I showed up at his house at promtply 4 pm. It was very awkward. I could tell he was extremely nervous. We watched a movie, played some Wii and ended up going to a local bar. Somewhere in there we missed dinner which did not help to hinder my drunkenness. We had a really good time at the bar. Too good probably. He loosened up quite a bit and we had fun. Professor Stalker is calling and texting my phone and Mason has a blast messing with him. We leave the bar around 11, maybe? I couldn't even be sure on that. And that's just about the last thing I remember. Not good. Not good at all. We wake up the next morning and both feel like we got the crap kicked out of us. My head is pounding so hard I kind of want to cry. I decided to head home so we could both recover in private.

It wasn't a bad date by any means. It just wasn't the magical spectacle I was secretly hoping for. And of course, the missing pieces would sure be nice to fill in. Feel kinda weird asking him about what happened when we got home. There's just something insanely rude about that in my head. Grrr. A few texts with him yesterday and today. He's very busy at work. Will see if I hear from him tonight or not.


I sent Pella a WTF email this morning. Days when I'm crabby like this someone should probably take all forms of communication away from me. Until they invent that snazzy contraption I will just keep running my mouth and doing my thing, I guess. I highly doubt I will hear anything back from him. Speaking of not hearing anything back...tomorrow will be 20 days Mr. No Show free. Well, since I heard from him. I sent him my closure email 15 days ago but still, the point is, I'm still breathing and the world is still turning and my missing him subsides daily. Woo hoo!!

Gone Fishing

The usual texts throughout the day with Mason. Get online later and he and Pella are both there. Mason instantly shoots me a quick message even though we were just texting probably 20 minutes prior. He's cute like that. Something about seeing Pella on there annoys me. I wait for him to write me. He doesn't. One might think that I couldn't possibly be needing any more attention than I am getting from Mason. And this is true. Mason is giving me the perfect amount of attention. Couldn't ask for more...from him. But Pella on the other hand isn't giving me squat. I know, I know...this is where I always get myself into trouble. I should learn by now to just let it lie, right? Well, I haven't. I'm annoyed by his lack of interest. After about 15 minutes I send him a message. It takes him another 15 to write back. This makes me more determined. We chat and it's flat and boring. Nothing like my talks with Mason. Hell, I have better conversations with my shampoo bottle in the shower. Finally I tell him to take care and I'll see him around. He finally picks up on my annoyance and asks what's wrong. I tell him I'm not used to such a lack of interest. He asks why I think he's not interested. Whatever, dude. He quickly apologizes for being a dud and says he's just tired and he would like to see me again soon. I tell him I'm pretty much booked up for the next three weeks but we'll see what we can work out. I promptly log off and call Mason. We talk for almost two hours while on the phone, I decide to do a little fishing.

Mason has been a perfect gentlemen since day 1. Never making any bold or brash comments, bringing up sex, asking questions about sex or eluding to the fact he may be trying to obtain or use me for sex. Nothing. It's refreshing but the player in me is starting to get a little worried. Am I going all the way up there this weekend for nothing? Not that I plan to roll him the first night I meet him but I'm hoping he at least attempts to bust a move of some sort. A kiss or make out session would be nice. My head begins swimming with fears that he just wants a friend or wants to wait for marriage to be with someone like that again or he's secretly gay. I mean, he did receive a picture of me that yes, it showed my eyes, but was purposely a wonderful cleavage shot. He never mentioned a word about the boobs. He went on and on about how amazing my eyes were and my beautiful face. Ok, you're a man. I know you saw the boobs. I sometimes make little sexual inuendos and he laughs wholeheartedly but never returns with anything or gives me a clue into what his intentions are with me physically. I'm throwing out the five star bait and he's not biting. What the frick?

Am I A Cougar?

I'm not sure if it's something in the water but I've been getting a ton of contacts from young men, ages 20-25. I bet I've had a dozen this week. Seems a little crazy to me. What the heck are they trying to talk to an old woman like me for anyway? Sure it's nice to hear some young stud tell me my picture is beautiful but trust me boys, we are not looking for the same things. Although I'm flattered it just isn't going to happen.

Haven't heard from Professor Stalker since I screamed at him Saturday night. Woo hoo! Maybe he got hit by a potato truck or something. Received a call last night from Chi. We had a brief affair in the spring but he lives 5 hours away and I didn't have the time nor the patience for that. He's in town this week and would love to see me. It's very tempting but I'm not sure how I would find time to meet up with him with my busy schedule. Ha. A night out would definitely tamper with my Mason time though. He's having a helluva time at his job right now. I can't believe what a jackhole his boss is. He sent me a text last night apologizing for being pissy this week and that he's trying not to let his job bother him. Dude, you have no idea the moody guys I've dealt with in my past. If this is you being pissy, I think I can live. We talk for an hour and a half before bed. He teases me that if things don't go well when he has his talk with his boss today he won't have to work on Saturday and then score for us spending the weekend together. I'm torn on hoping it goes well and being really greedy so I can have him all to myself. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Change of Plans

Pella shot me a few texts last night. Odd, figured I had been blown off. Why keep talking? Who knows. Men are bizarre. Texts with Mason and eventually chatting online and then talking on the phone. We're now thinking just wait to meet until Saturday when he gets off work. I think he's afraid if I come up Friday night he won't get any sleep. Ha. As if?! I'm not staying up as late as I did last Friday talking to him on the phone. No way, Jose. I'm going to be in the neighborhood anyway because I already told Stacy I would take the Mini to her dads that night so she didn't have to make the drive. Worst case I'll drop of Mini, see Sissy and the nephew and then drive over to my parents and chill until Saturday afternoon when I go see Mason. Or maybe I can use my charms to convince him to still meet Friday night if I promise to be a good girl. Hard to say. Text from Mob about the Monday Night Football game. His team is losing and I tease him about it for a little bit. He ends with "you're so lucky I love you or you'd be in big trouble". Somedays I really miss that idiot. Had a very odd dream involving Von, Mr. No Show and Vanilla. What a combo! I don't think I should have chocolate before bed anymore.

proof

it will be easier this time, letting you go
for once it is really for good
no more waiting around for you to resurface as usual
our goodbye this round was final
the closing credits to an emotional movie
there will be no sequel
you have not earned one
your words no longer work like a crowbar on my heart
wedging it open against my better judgement
your lies instead working like super glue
sealing my heart shut, blocking you out
not to be penetrated again
you had me. you knew that.
i would've been anything you asked me to be
you could not do the simple things for me.
you couldn't be honest with anyone
i am resigned to the fact
that i will never fully know the truth
chances are it would just hurt worse anyway
and i don't need any more proof to know youre an asshole

Who's got the shakes now?

SUNDAY
Random texts throughout the day with Mason. Again he's busy with the kids and I'm bonding with the family. I'm so ready to hear from him though by the time 6 pm rolls around. I'm chomping at the bit. Our communication Saturday and Sunday has been minimal due to busy schedules and I'm missing talking to him. Ok, I admit, not minimal by normal standards but minimal by ours for sure.

Vanilla is still on a mission to spend some time with me. I tell him maybe after the holidays. I don't think he really liked that but that's the best I could do. I'm going to be gone the next two weekends and very busy. I like the guy as a person and we have a great time in the bedroom but right now I have other priorities to take care of and other people on my mind. I shall keep him in the pocket if he wants to stay active. If not, he's welcome to retire.

Finally around 10 I get a text from Mason asking if I'm still awake. He just got the kids to bed and wants to chat. I call him and we talk for about half an hour. It's short and sweet and just what I need to drift off to dream.

MONDAY
Mason is swamped at work and we only exchange a few good morning wishes via text. Then he texts to tell me his boss blows the goat and he has to go in for a few hours on Saturday. He's not happy. I'm not happy. But I'm going up there Friday night regardless. We'll figure out something for me to do while he's at work on Saturday. And, well, if Friday night would blow for some reason then his having to work wouldn't be an issue anyway. Not that I think Friday night will go badly but one can never tell.

Pella texts me to complain about the football game between our teams yesterday. Of course, mine won and he's ticked. Ha! I ask him if we are still on for Wednesday night. He says he can't because his son has something at school that night and he's staying with him this week. I write back ok. He writes back to tell me he's really sorry. I don't respond. Sounds like a blow off to me. And well, in reality, if it is a blow off and I know it, shouldn't I be more upset if I really cared? Yeah, I don't really. Yes, we had a great date and a lot of fun but I think my mind is a little preoccupied with Mason and perhaps I'm better just focusing on one at a time. No harm, no foul. I will see you if I see you.

Flippin' Ho's Like Flapjacks

Sorry for slacking on the blog the last few days. I've been busy. Which is a good thing. I guess I have to retrace all the way back until last Wednesday. Mama mia. Spent most of Tuesday night chatting via text and email with Mason and Pella. I agree to go to dinner with Pella Wednesday night.

WEDNESDAY
Most of Wednesday I spend debating cancelling it but I don't. Woo hoo for me. I get ready after work and jump online. Mason and I chat for a moment. He tells me to hold on because someone is at the door. Next thing I know his 8 year old daughter jumps on and starts chatting with me. I'm pretty taken back by this situation. She is super sweet and wicked smart. I like her already. She starts to leak some info about daddy saying I am pretty and smart. Nice. She thinks I'm really pretty too because he showed her my picture. Ahgioehgphz. Sorry, choked on my drink there. Wow. As she's begging me to play a game with her Pella calls and says he's out front. I tell her I have to go and will play a game with her another night because I have to go to dinner.

Pella and I head to dinner. He's tired and really nervous and being kind of quiet. I'm thinking this will be a short date. I eventually start drawing him out a little bit and he begins to loosen up. Well, part of it was my charms, I'm sure. The rest may have been a few beers he had during dinner. Anyhoo, I agree to go to a bar with him after dinner and have a few drinks. We actually end up having a total blast. We played shuffleboard and darts and drank and shot the shit. It was probably one of the best dates I have had in a very long time. Then my phone goes off. It's a text from Mason. I had told him I was going to dinner but did not tell him it was a date. He asks if I'm done yet because he thinks he's going through withdrawals. For some reason this makes me feel a little guilty. I write him back and tell him I will call him as soon as I get home. He writes back and says to have fun and take my time and he's sorry to bug me, he just misses talking to me. Awww. I had a little sappy on my face that point. Then I realize Pella is watching me. Oh yeah, you're on a date dipshit! Focus on the man at hand!!! Pella and I proceed to have a blast. I don't get home and to bed until nearly 1:30 in the morning. I get some good kisses and we make tenative plans to see each other next week (both are already swamped for the weekend). I know it's too late to call Mason, even though I want to. I shoot him a text and tell him sorry it was so late and I can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. He writes me back but I apparently fell asleep in .02 seconds.

THURSDAY
I am a hurting unit. 4 hours of sleep is not enough for me anymore. Those days are so long gone. Mason and I text most of the day. I exchange a few with Pella. He thanks me for a great night, etc. Vanilla texts me and asks me how my date was. I said it was good. He asked if I wanted to come over and watch movies that night. I told him no. He asked why. I lied and told him I had another date so that he would not push the issue like he would if I just told him I was sleepy. He writes back "you'd rather go on a date with some random than have a guaranteed good time with someone you know you care about?" I wrote back and said yes. He tells me I'm cruel. Professor Stalker begins texting me and I'm about to lose it. I write back "BLOCKED: Error Code 3462" He tries to call but I don't answer. He proceeds to send 13 more texts and 3 picture mails to which I reply with the blocked error every time. He rests for about an hour and then calls again. I answer and do not give him time to say anything. "Do you have any idea how much I fuckin' hate you?!" I scream through the phone. "I don't want to talk to you, I don't like you, we're never going to happen. Just leave me alone you fuckin' psycho!!!!" And I hang up. Ugh! If I wouldn't go to jail I would do the world a favor and have that moron assasinated before he reproduces any equally retarded offspring.

Pella texts me that he's getting ready to go out with the guys. I wish him luck and tell him I'm going to bed. And it is a thought in my head. Until Mason calls. I talk to him for an hour and a half until I can barely keep my eyes open. He's simply splendid.

FRIDAY
Many random texts with Mason. Telling me how his day goes so much faster and better when he gets to talk to me. I tease him about liking me a little bit. He says "oh yeah, just a little bit. lol." with a big smiley face. So we text most the day.

In between texts, you know, when I'm supposed to be working or something...I'm sending my sister a quick email and I see a familiar name on my messenger list. It's Mr. No Show. I haven't not heard a word from him, even after my closure letter I sent him. I know, big shocker right? I don't know why but seeing his name on there almost made me harf up my lunch. It physically hurt to breathe for a second. And then, as fast as he was there, he was gone. He must've seen that I was on and jumped ship or went invisible. What a coward. I'm so much better off without his bullshit. Mason sends me a text telling me how beautiful my eyes are. I recover and go on about my day.

Mason and I chat for awhile that night. We even try watching each others webcams which for some reason totally made me nervous and freaked me out. I didn't like being watched at all which is shocking for someone who loves attention so much. It's nearly 10 pm at this point and I've done nothing but talk with him. He says he has to get the kids to bed and will call me tomorrow. I wish him a goodnight and head off to my room. At 11:15 my phone rings and it's him. "I couldn't wait until tomorrow". Which is flippin fine by me!! We talk on the phone until 3:30 in the morning. Yeah, four hours for the man that hates talking on the phone?! Guess he never had someone like me to talk to.

SATURDAY

My family calls bright and early to see if I'm ready for shopping. Seriously, I may be a woman but I hate shopping. I liken it to a root canal. And I swear I just fell asleep only minutes before hand. My eyes are burning I'm so tired. What were Mason and I thinking talking until the early morning hours? Ugh. Obviously we weren't. But as I think back to our conversation, I don't really care I only got 3 hours of sleep. It was totally worth it. We text a bit throughout the day. He's busy with the kids and I'm bonding with the family. I talk to him just before I drift off to dream that night. He's too damn cute. Did I mention that I am going to see him this weekend? Oh yeah. He convinced the ex to take the kids for the entire weekend so I'm going up to meet him on Friday night. I cannot wait. I'm a little nervous but more anxious than anything. I really want to see if this guy is as great in person as he is via telecommunications. Right now, he's rocking my world. Dear God, PLEASE let there be some chemistry between us in person.

At 1 AM Professor Stalker calls. I answer and scream "I still fuckin' hate you. Leave me alone!!" and hang up. A girl can dream that someday he will stop being pathetic and desperate and listen.

Can I get a cup of giddy with that line?

TUESDAY

Talk with Mason most of the night. He has started off as such a sarcastic little smartass I was instantly intrigued. We have spent hours bantering back and forth the last few days. But something switched a little tonight. He made a comment about wishing he could see my eyes again while we were chatting. I took a quick pic on my phone and sent it to him. He writes "Woman, you have the most beautiful eyes". We go back and forth a few more times via text. I tell him I need to get some sleep. We say our goodnights and about 10 minutes later, just as I'm drifting off to dream, I get one last text from him. "Meeting you makes me glad I'm single again. : ) Goodnight".

Lessons Learned

I can't say that all that has happened with Mr. No Show has been a total waste. I feel like I've learned a valuable lesson and I put that to use this morning in true Sherlock Lucy Holmes style. I have pictures and last names for Mason and Pella. Which already puts us leaps and bounds in front of the pace Mr. No Show and I shared such important information. Then, when I got to work, I decided to do a little searching and make sure they checked out. Did what they said for their jobs, lived in the towns they said, had the correct number of kids, ex wives, etc. Made sure they'd never been arrested for abuse or murder or the torture of soft bunnies and floppy earred puppies or anything. They both checked out exactly as I suspected. Although, Mason does have a bit of a led foot I came to find. A couple moving violations but hey, I'm the queen of breaking the laws of the road so who am I to judge? Anyway, it feels good to know these things before heading down the corridor of possibilities. Sounds like a "duh" moment to most people, I'm sure. But it's a big moment for me. Pat me on the back, please? Ah, thank you.

Vanilla is texting me already again today wondering when we can get together again. I warn people about the crack. They never listen until it's too late. Silly boys.

Manic Monday

So Sunday night I chatted online with Pella a little while. I agreed to possibly go out to dinner with him Wednesday night. Spent most of the night chatting with Mason. He's pretty much hilarious and our humor and sarcasm compliment each other nicely. I'm really starting to like the idea of him being two hours away. It takes a lot of the pressure to meet or date or move to fast away. I enjoy talking to him quite a bit.

I wake up kinda sleepy Monday morning from being up late and chatting with Mason. It's a gloomy morning and I head in to work. As I'm walking up to my building from the parking lot I see a guy in a truck staring at me. I look and think that's the guy I met last week (it obviously didn't pan out). It's cold so I keep going, thinking I must be mistaken. When I get up to my office I have a voicemail from him and a text. I'm kinda creeped out. Ask him what he was doing downtown. He avoids the question and texts me back that he knew it was me and is super excited. I can't handle another stalker. I politely tell him he creeped me out and to leave me alone. Ewww.

A couple texts from Mason and Vanilla throughout the day. Mason and I joke about it being Monday and what could possibly go wrong. Sometimes I jinx myself. At lunch I see an all too familiar face. Not I swear on my grandma's life sure of it but I'm 99.9% sure I saw Von. It was a little surreal. He stared at me. I stared at him. And then I just walked away. If it wasn't him, it was his identical evil twin! It shook me up a little bit. I wonder when this feeling of wanting to kick him in the face will ever go away. Will it every subside? I'm over him but I'm not sure I'll ever be over the pain he caused me and my family. And for that, I want to roundhouse kick him in the chops repeatedly.

So my day is already a little shaky when I get a text from Mob's brother that he's out of the hospital. WTF are you talking about? He says he texted me Friday. Mob was stabbed Thursday night. I text Mob to find out what was going on. He proceeds to tell me his baby mama's twin stabbed him. Or as he says "the dumb bitch tried to assasinate me!" Oh Mob, what a tangled web you weave. Keep me posted but keep your distance please. I love you but I'm so glad you're 2000 miles away.

After lunch I reflect on the happenings of the day this far. I try Mr. No Show's phone. It's still off. As it has been for the last 20 days. I decide it's time to get some closure. I write him an email. It's sweet and short and to the point. I tell him I'm going to leave him alone. I tell him I will send his gift to his work because that's the only address I have for him and oddly, I still want him to have it. I apologize for stressing him out and take the blame because I should've realized long before that if he really was my dream guy that he would've felt the same and made an effort for us to meet. I tell him to take care and let me know how he's doing once in awhile. I tell him thank you for helping me through some crappy times and for that I will always love him. I tell my imaginary friend goodbye and wish him the best. I don't want to send it. I read it over and over for nearly 2 hours. Finally Stacy convinces me to hit send and I do. It felt good in a way. Terrible in another way. If Mr. No Show is gone, so is my crutch. My excuse. My gift of sabotage with every other fella I come across. I've always had Mr. No Show in my pocket to compare them to and run back to. Now, there's just this empty little space in my heart where he used to be.

Once home for the day I relax a bit. Vanilla is texting and asking me to come over. I tell him no because it's cold and crappy out. And to be honest, yes we have a new found understanding if you will, but I can't let him think he can have it whenever he wants it. This is my game and my rules. It's time to take back control.

Email is being ridiculous and Mason and I are having problems getting our messages to each other. We check in on text and question what the hell is going on with yahoo. I get a few messages from Pella as well. He's ok but tonight I'm more interested in talking to Mason. We end up talking on the phone for a few hours and it goes pretty well. I like this no pressure shoot the shit kind of talking. It's nice. He amuses me. That's more than I can say for most men in my life lately.

The Last Few Days

I have to admit I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself, which is ridiculous. It's ok to miss Mr. No Show but I can't let it ruin me. I did cancel my date with #2. The guy who wanted to go out but had the same name as Mr. No Show. Just couldn't bring myself to do. Professor Stalker served as a good anger outlet. He has been calling and texting all weekend and it was nice to let my evil alter ego unleash on his stupid ass. Sure, all the anger probably shouldn't have been directed at him but he kept begging for it so there it is. I can't believe how stupid he is. And he's a teacher!!!!

Vanilla and I have been talking a lot more. And no, we are not getting back together. But he's a secure place I can hide out when I'm down. It feels good. It feels safe. I met two interesting people online. Actually spent most of last night messenging with one. We will call him Mason. He's pretty funny. Has some baggage but seems to be a cool guy. Doesn't live real close but that might be good for me right now. It's just chatting and it was a great distraction.

They Know

How do you let go of something you never really had? This is my battle today. You haunt my every thought. I wake and I think of you. I sleep and you're in my dreams. The guys who want to date me have the same fucking name as you. What are the odds of that? I can't escape you no matter how hard I try. I see your company trucks on the road daily. Your favorite baseball team is constantly in the news. Your celebrity twin is on the cover of magazines weekly. We love the same football team. I can barely watch them lately because it only makes me think about how we talked about going to a game together in a few weeks. And that will never happen now. I turn on the radio and I think of you. My phone rings and I pray that it's from you and I am constantly disappointed.

126 texts in my phone from you since September 29th. And those are only the special ones that I saved. I erased the rest. Erased some of the emails. But I can't erase you. Why? Because I reread your words and I melt like the first time they came through. I want so badly for what you said you felt to be true. I want to believe that you are who you say and there is no one else for you or with you but me. My heart tells me it could be true. My head disagrees. I listen to the cd I made you but never gave. I know you would love it. Every song on there a piece of us. It played while I showered and I cried and I let the water wash away my tears so that nobody else would see. A sad lump sobbing on the floor of my shower trying to hide my tears. I mourned for you and for us and the loss of what had brought me such happiness so many times. Why am I crying over you? How can you break me like that and not even know? You always tell me once it starts there will be no end but there is no start in sight. And for me, there is no end in sight for my pain.

Do you think about me at all? Do you even realize I am gone? Or is it easier for you now? Just the way you like it. No more stress from me and asking when and why and how. You can go about your happy little life and never look back. How the hell can you do that? Please, tell me. I would love to know. Maybe I could take a page from your book and learn how to so easily dismiss these feelings I thought we shared. I would give anything for just one hour with you. One hour and you would know how I feel. You would know I could make you happy like you said. You would know that I would be everything you dreamed and more. One hour. One hour that could change our lives forever. Share one smile. Share one hug. Share ourselves. Am I really asking for that much?

I'm sure my friends think I'm completely insane. I don't tell them just how much I love you. I don't have to. They know. They know when I say your name and my eyes dance and I can't help but smile. They know. I know. And you never will.

I wrote this for you back in April. Sad, it's 7 months later and it remains the same.

The Ghost of My Dreams

I wonder today, were you real?
And the things that you made me feel?
All the sweet things that I swore you said
did I make that all up in my head?
For six months we’ve been playing this game
and you told me that you felt the same.
But you never stepped up to the plate.
Not once did we go on a date.
All I have is the words that you wrote
and this lump that has formed in my throat
And the sadness that swims in my eyes
cuz I thought you were a different guy
too many chances I’ve thrown your way
too many excuses that I’ve had to say
for why you kept letting me down
when I thought something special was found
did I make you into more than you were?
I swore you were real…I’m not sure
Cuz there’s no way the guy of my dreams
Would’ve torn my heart apart at the seams
Were you scared that we wouldn’t last
Cuz the chemistry happened too fast?
Or were you scared that this was too real
The happiness I made you feel?
You told me you liked me so much
But not once did I feel your touch
you asked me not to give up on you
you even said that I was your boo.
I can’t even enjoy other men
All I do is compare you to them
And they come up so short and so bland
It’s this I cannot understand
They want to give me the world
And all I want is to be your girl.
So I push them away and I pray
You’ll see what you’re missing someday
And how happy I know we could be
If you’d just take a chance on me.

a little bit of info to process

Ok, obviously I wasn't done with the Mr. No Show update but there has been a few things i better throw in from yesterday before I forget to. I did a little digging. Found out he lied about his last name. Upon further research, I'm pretty sure he might be married. And I know he was married at least once before. And he has a kid. A lot to take in, in just a few hours. Then I email him to tell him I think we need to have a quick chat. He writes back why, what's up? As if he hasn't disappeared for the last week and a half and things are perfectly normal. I might go find him tonight and kick him in the nards. Still debating my course of action on this.

Vanilla was calling yesterday. Then started drunk texting last night and wanted me to come over and ride the train. No, I didn't make that up. That's what he really said. When I told him no he text back saying Chooo Chooo. It made me laugh my ass off but was not enough to get me to drive over there.

Did spend some time emailing and talking on the phone with a new guy. Well call him Late Night. He's nice enough. Not sure if I will take that one anywhere or if it will just be a nice distraction from all the Mr. No Show hoopla right now.

Oh and Professor Stalker is still adament we should be together even after I hung up on him 3 times on Sunday and told him to F off and that it was never going to happen. Yesterday he asks if I want to go to the football game with him on Saturday. Hmmm...love me some football and would like to go see my brother and sister and a few friends I know will be there but 2 hours in a car with Stalker and I'm either going to jail or the asylum. There's no way I can take it for the team on this one. I don't even respond to his request.

Could I be anymore livid? I think not!

APRIL 23rd

I go home and I'm a wreck. I try calling his phone but it is conveniently off, like so many times before. I decide that we'll do this over email. Writing is my forte and then I can make sure I don't miss saying anything hurtful and mean that I might forget in the heat of a verbal arguement. I pour out my heart. I tell him how much he hurt me. How he made me a fool. How I trusted him and he was a liar and a jerk and that his secret girlfriend hoped he had a wonderful life with his secret wife and son. It's long. I mean, LONG. If I printed it out it probably would've been four pages. I don't expect a response. He's never been one to step up to the plate when the heat was on. This was it. The ride was over. Better to know now though, right? I didn't need that kind of crap in my life anyway. It sucked but it was life and I had been through worse.

But he did reply. And he actually laughed at me. Oh yeah, you read it right. He laughed at me. "Wow, baby. I don't know who you thought you saw but it wasn't me. I don't have a wife. I didn't even make it to bowling until the 2nd game. I was stuck at work." Whatever buddy. So you weren't there in a yellow work shirt and you didn't see me? He says we don't have yellow work shirts. I said I saw the flag on the back! He says you saw this company didn't you? I thought for a second. Shitballs! I'm starting to get confused. I'm starting to second guess myself. Ugh! Why can't I have a photographic memory instead of being smart and sexy? What is this curse upon me? I tell him to stop trying to confuse me. He says "I think I know who you are talking about that you think was me. He's not light skinned babe. Do you even know what A-Rod looks like?" He ends this with a smiley face. I write back that YES, I know what A-Rod looks like. And he says then you know that wasn't me. You know I would never do that to you. At this point I don't even know my own head from my ass. I try to explain to him what it feels like somedays to be me and I wonder what I've done wrong or what he's hiding that he keeps postponing our meeting. He says we will meet when the time is right. He has some loose ends to tie up and he wants things to be perfect when we get together. I warn him that being busy is life and there will always be something to distract him from focusing on us. He says he will try harder. I tell him he's skating on very thin ice and I have little to no patience left. He promises me that believing in him and us is something that I will never regret. On the way home I see someone from his work, it is a different flag and the shirts are green, not yellow. I had the wrong guy. I choke down his lines like rotten meat and start googling to see if there are any five star insane asylums in the area. I'm pretty sure they're going to give me the penthouse suite by the time this is over.

Not that I would jump to conclusions...

MARCH 2008-APRIL 23rd 2008

The Mr. No Show saga continues. I've almost become resigned to the game we play. Texts throughout the day, teasing each other that maybe we'll see each other that night. It never happens. We both know it won't. Yet some weird little corner of my heart always holds out hope that he will actually come through. I waiver on whether or not I should talk to other people. It feels almost like cheating just to check my online dating account. But why? It's not like he's putting his money where his mouth is. So why would I rule out possibilities of other people when at this point I'm not even sure if the man of my dreams is real? Because no one I talk to makes me feel like he does. No one appreciates my sarcasm and smart ass wit and thinks I'm sexy and adorable and wonderful like he makes me feel. I'm sick and I know it. I'm crying out for help. Ha!

It's not like our communication is always consistent. Sometimes I fear I'm just something he does when he's bored at work. There are days that we text back and forth and then email and then instant message for hours while he finished up at the office. These are my favorite days. I hang on a dime waiting for his correspondence. It will be a few perfect days and then nothing for three or four. Back on for the entire week and then nothing over the weekend. The paranoid woman has bouts of doubt and wonders if he has a wife or something. He assures me he does not. All I can do is believe him.

When my dad has his open heart surgery, Mr. No Show is my rock. Checking on me, worrying about me 4 hours away at the hospital, letting me know he's always thinking about me and that if I need anything, he's there. It helps more than I can ever tell him. In the back of my head I am praying that someday the two most important men in my life will meet. Somedays I think that's a totally ridiculous thought but I can't help but have it. There is a lot about Mr. No Show that reminds me of my dad and I think they would get along great. You know, if I ever get to meet him myself. Guess we should cross that bridge before I introduce him to the family. He always says that once we meet there will be no end. I completely agree. Does that mean we can have a real beginning?

April is slipping away and the game continues. I have a momentary lapse of sanity and decide to take matters into my own hands. Now, anyone that knows me AT ALL, is wondering why the hell it took me this long. I can't really answer that. I think part of me worried that we would meet and it wouldn't be as perfect. I would find something wrong with him, as I always have done in the past and then this perfect and wonderful and sick and twisted fake "relationship" I have would be over and then I would just be me and alone again.

He bowls every Tuesday night. He knows I know this. He knows I know where. He just doesn't know that tonight I'm going to show up and catch a glimpse of my supposed dream man. I figure it's a bit poetic. You know, the first place he ever stood me up would be the place I surprised him and either make or break what we have. Keep in mind I don't know what he looks like. I've still not seen a picture. He says he often gets told he looks like A-Rod. At this point I don't care if he looks like Forrest Whitaker on crack. I just want to see him and know he's real and I'm not insane. I figure it can't be that hard to figure out who he is. How many light skinned hotties could possibly be bowling league at this alley in the middle of white-bread USA? Sometimes I'm so very wrong.

Stacy and I go to the bowling alley. We eat. We have a drink. I spot a guy that could be him. He's wearing a bright yellow shirt with the company logo on the back. All you have to know at this point is that it had a flag on it which made me think it was him. We lock eyes at one point and my heart nearly jumps out of my throat. He smiles. He's cute. Is this him? I don't know! If it is, why wouldn't he come up and say something? He knows what I look like. But he doesn't approach. Stacy and I go out to bowl. We are down many lanes from him. I try to be non-chalant but I can't help but look in that direction every chance I get. And then I see the guy with the flag shirt that I think is my true love playing with a child. A boy about the age of 2 or 3. And a mother standing close by. They look like a happy little family. What the fuck? Is this the reason we couldn't meet? He's married with a kid? I want to run out in tears but my stubborn pride forces me to finish my game. She and the kid leave. He walks them out. He smiles at me as he does. He smiles at me when he comes back. I want to scratch his mother fucking eyes out. We go to the counter to return our shoes and he has now moved to the lane next to us. I can't even look. Stacy turns to look at him and whispers that he's checking me out. Good, he can check my happy ass walking out this frickin door and his life. What an asshole. What a fool I was. I'm in awe and completely crushed.

Mr. No Show helps me over Dick

NOVEMBER 2007-MARCH 2008

Mr. No Show and I continue to talk. At this point I have told Professor Stalker, BHA and a few others I was talking with to take a hike. Besides the tiny fact we've never met, he really is perfect. Well, ok, perfect fake boyfriend. I realize that a fake boyfriend is not everything a woman needs. Of course, him coupled with my battery operated boyfriend Bob wasn't too bad a combo. Unfortunately, Bob just doesn't cuddle as well as a real live boy would. So our game continues and we continue to flirt with the idea of meeting but it never works out. I'm growing frustrated and not understanding his delay of game. I didn't hear from him for 4 days over Thanksgiving. I returned assuming he too was busy with family and we would pick up where we left off. But his phone was off and he wasn't returning my emails. So I started searching again thinking it was over. This would be many in a series of twists and turns on the roller coaster of Mr. No Show. I'm not generally an adreline junkie but this is a roller coaster I just can't climb off of yet. Then Dick finds me online. He was hot but I wasn't overly impressed with our first conversation. I give him another try truly out of boredom and the second one is actually great. He asks me if I want to meet. You know, like normal people do when they hit it off. I send Mr. No Show a text and an email and I hear nothing back. It's Friday night and I agree to meet Dick that night.

Dick walks into the bar and I'm sitting next to my yommey Stacy. He is a beautiful speciman. This I will never deny. But I'm just not sure I want to talk to anyone else. I check my phone incase I missed any correspondence from Mr. No Show. There is nothing. Dick wanders around the bar because I appear to be preoccupied. Finally Stacy tells me if I don't go get that soon, somebody else will and I'll be sorry. I know she's right. He comes back over and we laugh and talk the rest of the evening. I invite him over after the bar. He doesn't leave until Sunday. We spend every day together from that night until the New Year. During this time contact from Mr. No Show is sparce and I make it very clear to him that he had his chance and I'm seeing someone and I'm happy. He respects my wishes and gives me my space but refused to disappear completely. It seemed every time Dick and I would have the smallest falling out or disagreement, Mr. No Show would pop up and offer me his heart. Things started falling to pieces with Dick and although I never told Mr. No Show, he seemed to know somehow. I actually once wondered if they knew each other or some messed up crap. Once Dick and I really went down the drain (see the year in review) Mr. No Show was there to sweep up all the pieces of my heart. He told me I shouldn't be surprised it didn't work out. I was offended and asked why. He said "because you know you are meant to be with me. These guys are just killing time for you until we're ready". Well that's all fine and dandy dude, but exactly when are WE going to be ready? I am ready. It's you that's slacking.

Mr. No Show

I don't know how to explain him to be honest. I've resigned to the fact that he might be less my dream man and more my dating guardian angel. Sounds odd, I'm sure. I mean, he can't be my dream man, right? I've never met the guy. Never seen his face. I've never even heard his voice, except in my dreams. I know, I know, you can't fall in love with someone you've never met. But maybe stranger things have happened. At this point, all I know is that no one else makes me feel the way he does. He drives me completely crazy like no one ever has. Of course, whether it's a good crazy or asylum crazy depends on the day. Perhaps a little history would help.

AUGUST 2007
Last August I decided to get online and start looking for a distraction. Wasn't necessarily looking for Mr. Right. Just anyone that wasn't Von and could make the pain go away, if only temporarily. So I had a few rules when I started my online adventure. We all know I have a hard time dating shorter thanmyself. That was one. Must be 5'9". Had to live within 50 miles of me. And had to have a picture before I would return any flirts or emails on the online dating sights. Hey, it might sound shallow but if you're seeing my picture and reading my profile, then fair is fair.

At this point I had already met Big Headed Ass (BHA). I'm not sure why I liked him but the fact is I did. It was wrong from the start. I knew it but it didn't stop me from seeing how it played out. Then BHA starts talking about how he wants me to have his baby and how beautiful the child would be. Yes, it would've been cute but we've never even talked about being exclusive, how are you going to suggest we have a baby? I'm not going to lie, I thought about it. Why you might ask? Well, at the time I was thinking of it more as a business transaction than anything. You see, BHA, with all his faults, was a great father to his kids and had a lot of money. If I was going to have a baby out of wedlock he was really a great candidate. I knew he would take care of the kid emotionally and financially and I liked him well enough. He repeatedly asked me to go off the pill and I continued to put him off. One night he had me insanely close to really agreeing to do it but something in my gut just kept bitch slapping me into using my brain. Anyway, I left his house one Sunday night and headed home. I checked my email and had some messages on my online site. I logged in and was IM'ing with a guy when I got a message from another. It didn't have a picture and I almost deleted it out of habit. But boredom struck and I read the short email. Although there was no picture his self description was intriguing and right on track to what I would be attracted to. His email stated that when he read my profile it felt like he was reading exactly what he would write if he was writing what he was looking for in his perfect woman. I read his profile a little more carefully and oddly, felt almost the same. I wrote back and asked him if he had a picture. He said he didn't have one yet but he promised I wouldn't be disappointed. He then captured my attention by starting to talk football. We were both avid Packer fans. Ok, that's three bonus points. He also liked to play basketball, softball, etc. Score again. I warned him I could probably kick his ass in a game of Horse. lol. He wasn't put off by my arrogance or game talking. He dished it right back, and well. I asked what type of music he liked. He named some of my favorite artists. We talked movies and tv and hobbies and what we liked to do for fun. He never missed a beat. After a few hours we swapped email addresses and called it a night. Within a few days of super sweet and completely refreshing emails we exchanged phone numbers and began texting constantly. That was early September 2007.

So Mr. No Show and I continue to talk via text and email. Very flirty, fun and flattering. He holds my attention like no one has done in a long time. While talking to him I realized more than ever how much BHA was lacking in every department I once deemed necessary. In November we decided to meet. I was so nervous I thought I was gonna harf. He had his bowling league that night but we were going to meet at a bar down the street from my house when he was done. I decided to head down early and have a few drinks to relax. Plus, I wanted to be there when he walked in and not vice versa. We continued to text while he bowled and I drank, all the while my old hook up bartender is giving me shit and telling me to put down the phone and just focus on him. Ha! As if. Anyway...we are planning to meet around 9 and he texts me to tell me their game is going super late and we might have to reschedule. At this point, that is not an option. So I tell him I can just come up to the bowling alley and watch his last game and we can chat after that. He doesn't right back. What the fuck, right? Bartender bar sees the frustration on my face and quickly offers his services. I give Mr. No Show another 15 minutes. Forget this. I head to the bowling alley anyway. I go in. I look around. Of course, I don't know who I'm exactly looking for which is super awesome. Plus, I've been drinking. Plus, I feel stupid the moment I walked in for being so bold. But I've never been one to shrink from a challenge and I'm just flippin' impatient. I sit down and look around. I text him that I'm there. I wait for 20 minutes and I leave. I'm humiliated. I'm paranoid he saw me and didn't like what he saw. I have no idea what the hell was going on. I get home, crawl in bed and send him a text that he's an asshole.

The next morning I get a text at work saying he was sorry. Says he freaked out and was scared to meet me. I ask why. He says because what we have is so perfect I don't want to ruin it. This doesn't make any sense to me. He asks me to be patient with him. Even though my head was yelling no my fingers typed yes. I had NO idea at the time what kind of patience I was signing up for. In my head it was a few weeks, max! Looking back that's hilarious. This wouldn't be the first time he would disappear. At this time, I still don't know if it will be the last.