2009 Closing In

Ok, so 2008 obviously wasn't my year in the love department. I can easily admit this. There was some good, some bad and some just plain bizarre shit but I would like to think it was a year of learning and growth through some of that pain. I had to fight for some happiness and I think that has strengthened me and my resolve. I would like to think I am enterting 2009 with a clearer vision of what I am searching for in the love department and what will make me happy. I would like to say that I am starting 2009 with a clean slate but I don't want to lie to you or myself. I might sleep with Vanilla again. One never can tell. I rule out nothing, I bank on nothing. I'm sure when Mr. No Show pops up I will still answer but I am trying to distance myself and my feelings for him as best as I can. Tonight at midnight I will blow a kiss to him, wherever he might be, and try again to let him go. Who knows, one of these nights I might even sleep without him creeping into my dreams.

I am trying to keep an open mind this year and not be such a picky bitch when it comes to possible suitors. I am going to try to work on my short guy issues. I resolve to go out with 2-3 men this year that are not over 6 foot..and not use it as a reason for sabotage. Baby steps. For example, I am planning to meet Bagley in the near future and he is the same height as me. I know, I know, look at me go! And, I'm not going to be as stringent on the must be close range thing. If the real love of my life really lives in Kalamazoo or Poedunk, Utah, I still want to find him. And I've said this before, sometimes distance with me is a good thing.

So here's a toast to a year gone by and hoping that the next one is glorious. See you in 2009!

Ho Ho Ho-lidays

After our little get together I had to field a dozen inquiries regarding Vanilla and I. No, we are not back together and have no plans to be. He tried to get me to come over all day on Sunday but I was tired. Talked to Law on the phone and he kinda creeped me out. Spent the week at my parents house. Emails and texts with Mason, Kong and Bagley. Holiday wishes from Ronnie, Teej, Luck, BigBoi, etc. Christmas day talked to Mob for awhile. Friday morning as I sat contemplating my anorexic love life who should pop up on messenger but Mr. No Show. We talked most of the morning. I don't know why I love talking to him so much. The little bastard just knows exactly what to say. But I know there is no us and no future so what's the point? It's a quick fix band-aid on something that needs stitches.


I am so not looking forward to New Years Eve. I'm not a big fan of the holiday to start with. Alone, the holiday sucks even worse. Plus, I had a rocking New Years last year with my friends and Dick and this one is not looking to top that by any means. I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely. It happens over the holidays. My brother and his wife are having a party and I need to make an appearance but everyone else that will be there is a married couple. That will be awesome. Sense my sarcasm there? Thick as peanut butter. Everyone wonders how I can be lonely when I have a couple in the pockets. Well, those guys are like lint in my pockets. They are not substantial or relavent or dependable. They are just floating around with no forward progress. They're kinda like gnats at this point and are annoying me more than anything. Oh well. What's a girl to do? I think get me a nice big bottle of champagne and break in the new year thankful I'm not with any of the assholes from the past. I'm better alone than getting jerked over by Von or Dutchboy or BHA. Yes, I think that's a stellar plan. Unless of course Mr. No Show decided to sweep me off my feet...HA! Ok, looks like me and some champagne. Dick Clark won't have nothing on my rocking New Years Eve.

Emails with Mr. No Show this morning. He seems to be a bit crabby as well. IM's with Bagley. He's hinting around my plans for tomorrow night.

A Wonderful Wintry Weekend

FRIDAY
Texts and emails with Kong, Law & Bagley. Vanilla wants me to come see him. Von finally calls and says he will bring the boys over. We have a blast. I give them their Christmas presents and we watch movies and play with playdough and hang out. It's awesome. Von can barely look at me when he comes to pick up the kids. I wish I could see the kids without seeing him.

SATURDAY
Texts with Kong. He says he's coming to the party tonight but I know he won't. Texts with Bagley. He's so sweet it's ridiculous. Everyone shows up for the party and we have a blast. Mason texts me to see what I'm doing. I tell him I will call him later. Vanilla comes and acts like he's my boyfriend. I actually think he was jealous of my friend Bo. Too funny. By the end of the night he is sitting next to me on the couch while we play games with his hand on my knee or on my back every time I move. He lingers as people leave and I can tell he wants to me to ask him to stay. It's tempting. It's comfortable. It's cold out and I know we would have a good time but I don't want any confusion just because we've been drinking and it's the holidays and a lonely time. He calls me when he gets home and asks why I didn't want him to stay. I tell him it's not that I didn't want him to stay, I just didn't know if it was a good idea. He asks if he can see me tomorrow. I tell him to call me when he gets off work. I try calling MOB before I go to bed but he doesn't answer. I shoot Kong a text and tell him thanks for stopping by. Jackass.

The worms are out of the can

TUESDAY NIGHT
I continued to talk with Bagley & Law via email and messenger. Ney called and we talked for about 45 minutes. Not sure how I feel about him yet. He's sweet but I could sense some neediness and insecurity. Texts with Kong. He's in a funk. Not much Mason going on. A few texts but nothing major. I miss talking to him. Dom calls again and asks to come see me. I tell him maybe we can get together tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
Missed a call from Ney. Was too busy online with Bagley and Law and a few other randoms. Texting with Kong. He says he wants to see me this weekend. I tell him we're having a holiday party Saturday night. He says he will be there. Dom asks me to come over and see him after work. I do. We hangout and talk for awhile at his new casa. He asks if I want to go get dinner and a movie. I look at him like he's lost his mind. He asks what's wrong. I say we don't do dates. We makeout, we hook up, we talk like friends. It feels weird to think about going on a real date with Dom after almost two years of knowing each other. Instead we end up doing what we do best but even that takes a weird turn. Let's just say he went all Christopher Columbus on me and tried things he never felt like exploring before. Then when the score was 1 to 1 he went for round two. I tried to reciprocate but he said no, it was all about pleasing me tonight. Huh? I actually said "where's Dom?" outloud and he told me to be quiet and enjoy it. And I did. When I left the score was me, 3 and Dom, 1. He walked me to my car and told me to make sure and call him when I got home so he knew I made it safely. Very odd. A few texts with Mason and then off to bed.

THURSDAY
The usual. Texts with Kong most the day. Emails with Bagley and Law. Got a random text from BigBoi saying "have a good day cutie". I didn't answer. A few texts and emails with Ney. He tries to call but I'm in a meeting and can't answer. Talked with Vanilla for a little while after work. Bagley wants to meet. I tell him possibly this weekend. I thoroughly enjoy our conversations this far.

Do Eskimos have a high suicide rate?

It's snowing today. May get up to 8 inches. On a date that's great but in terms of snow that blows...literally. I fell asleep early again last night. Talked to Law & Bagley briefly. Mo emailed me a couple times asking how I was and if we could meet (again) and then telling me about thsi antique table and chairs he bought. He goes on and on. I just tune him out and stop answering his emails. And he wonders why I'm bored? Wow. I wake up this morning and have missed calls or texts from Luck, Dom and Mason.

Kong texts me when I get to work and says he is feeling better. A few texts from Dom still tring to get me to come see his new apartment i.e. sleep with him again. I will keep him in the pocket for now. Not sure I want to open up that can of worms. He's Latin and he's great in bed and very good looking but he's young and silly and I don't know if I want to play the game with him right now. Emails with Law & Bagley. Ney who I've been talking to since last week off and on is pushing to meet up. A couple other randoms emailing here and there.

Today is one of those days I wish I had just one serious man instead of a bunch of not serious. It's cold and snowing and nothing sounds better than going home to my man and curling up on the floor in front of a fire and keeping warm and drinking hot chocolate and schnapps. Hmmm. Yes, a bit of a romantic sentiment for me, I guess. Just a fun little dream in my head.

I don't think I blogged about it but last week there was a psycho emailing me on my dating site. His first email was inquisitive and fine, but very lengthy. Before I could begin to even finish reading it he sent me another (of equal size and full of questions) and then another. I hadn't even answered one yet. I sent him an email and said I was busy and would answer when I could. He preceeded to send me 4 more emails/novels/interrogations. I showed them to Yommey and we had a good laugh at him being a little crazy. Didn't write him back and didn't think much about it. He hit me again on Monday practically begging me for a response and telling me how we had such a deep connection. Again I didn't respond. This morning he sent me another email with about 6 questions in it as if we had been talking nonstop. I wrote back and told him frankly that his barrrage of emails had creeped me out and that I wished him luck but he was not the one for me. He wrote back about 7 times without me responding to any of them. These are some of my favorites...

oh well- you lose...too bad you can't multi- answer! you get freaked out on the computer? maybe you should move back where you came from bitch.

if you think i'm scary, then i'm truly sorry. i am one of the last few real nice guys left. i would love to show you that. i think you're great. for real...you don't know me at all, so putting THE judgement on someone is truly unfair. have you ever heard? judge not and ye shall not be judged? be cool- i thought you were!

ps- if someone asks you a lot of Q's then look up and take a look around ok? besides, you are too young and way immature for me obviously. lighten up a bit ma'am!

thanks for the bummer- hmmm. maybe your attitude is just too much for me. too bad! why don't you just blow me....but, would i like it? depends, maybe your mouth would get in the way! you artsy people have too big of egos in their head.

Nice, huh? I'm on the fence on whether or not to reply or to just block his szicho ass. I have to admit his sickness is mildly entertaining for myself and my co-workers. We will see.

My Christmas Present...My Boys.

Talked to the Beezho last night. She couldn't believe Von hadn't let me see the boys since the summer. She says she will take care of it. I wish her luck. She calls me after lunch to tell me that she talked to Von and he promised to let me see the kids either Friday or Sunday. Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!! I hope he comes through on that. Of course, why would he? He's yet to keep a promise to me in years. Oh well. I'm just hoping in this case he does.

Emails & texts with Kong and Law this morning. IM's and emails with some randoms. Kong is feeling a little better. I'm hoping to see him tonight or tomorrow. The other randoms are fine. They amuse me during the day but I'm getting restless again. This can only spell trouble.

When good dates go bad.

Go meet Kong for our date. He is just as good looking as his pictures. Sweet, funny. I'm very attracted to him. We hang out at his house listening to music and talking and having a few drinks. We end up playing cards with his roommates. It's a good time. Things are going great. He's getting flirtier and flirtier. We are talking a lot of shit playing cards and things are awesome. One of the hands is jacked up and we all start bickering, in fun, mind you, about how to play it out. There is a lot of shit talking going on. And being the little sailor I am, I drop an F bomb. Now keep in mind, there have been plenty of F bombs dropped tonight but mine was a "fuck you, guys". In jest. I was totally kidding. Didn't even realize I said it until Kong got upset. "How are you going to disrespect me and my friends in our house?" Huh? What are you talking about? He repeats what I just said and I sit for a minute, thinking he's kidding, and sure he's going to laugh. But he doesn't. He throws in his cards and says he's done playing. I'm completely flabbergasted and tell him that I was just talking shit. He doesn't respond. I walk to the door and put on my shoes and tell the guys thanks for a fun night. I get to my car and one of his roommates runs out and tells me to get back inside. I say no, Kong obviously wants me to leave. He can't believe I'm really leaving. I say believe it and drive away. I can't even put together what just happened. Seems very surreal. Kong texts me on my way home and asks how it got to that point. Before I can answer him he calls and wants to know why I was so mad that I would talk to him like that and if my temper is always that bad. I try to explain I was not mad, AT ALL, but just playing the game. I'm really upset at this point. He asks if he is going to see me again. I ask him if he wants to and he says yes. I apologize for saying what I said and again reiterate that I was not being disrespectful or mean. He chalks it up as a lack of communication and tells me if he wanted me to leave he would've told me that. He says he will talk to me tomorrow.

FRIDAY
Texts and emails with Kong. I ask if we're ok and he says we are. A few short emails from Mr. No Show telling me to have a good weekend. Some emails with a few new fellas online but no one worth mentioning yet. Decide to hang at the casa and watch movies and chill with Yommey. Talk to Mason for awhile before I go to bed. He's such a dork. What am I gonna do with him?

SATURDAY
Texts throughout the day with Kong and Mason. Go to a hockey game with Fair and her family. It's fun. Mason texts me while I'm there and tells me his friends took him out for a celebrating the finalization of the divorce party. He's at a strip club. I tease him about getting a piece of tail. Kong texts me and says he's going to bed because he's not feeling well. Fair and I go to the bar for a drink after the game. I run into an oldie but goodie, Dom. He so cracks me up. My friends all adore him and think he's the cutest thing since sliced bread. I like him and all but we are just not a match made in heaven by any means. He buys me a drink and asks me to come over and see his new place later. I tell him maybe. Fair and I leave and within minutes I have a text from Dom asking me where I'm going. I tell him home. He asks if he can come see me later. I tell him to call when he leaves the bar and we'll see. Chi calls on my drive home as well. He's on his way to my town for the weekend and wants to see me. I say call when you get here. I know Chi, he won't call. He's totally flaky. I get home and get online and Vanilla is instantly asking me to come over. I tell him I'm tired and going to bed. And I do. When I wake up I have missed calls from Mason and Dom. Sorry boys, a lady needs her beauty rest some times.

SUNDAY
Talk to Mason and tease him about his night. I tell him I would've given him a lap dance for free had he come down to visit. Kong texts me to tell me he's been sick and in bed all day. I tell him to get some rest and call me tomorrow. Mo sends me an email and asks if I will give him a chance to meet for lunch because he's much better in person than on the phone. I say no. Email and IM with two newbies. Law & Builder. Both are cool and make my day go a little faster. Vanilla does not understand why I won't drive over and hang out with him. And by hang out he means watch a movie and then have sex all afternoon. As tempted as I am, because it's been way too long since I've gotten any loving, it's way too damn cold outside for me to even think about leaving the house. He pouts and huffs and puffs for awhile and then asks about maybe meeting up tomorrow. I tell him we will play it by ear.

Is it Friday yet?!

Ok, I've been totally slacking and I'm sorry. Let's pick up where we left off.

MONDAY NIGHT
I finally break down and tell Mo he can call and he does immediately. It is torture. Serious torture. He's so boring. Even the sound of his voice is boring. And negative. He hates this, he hates that, allergic to everything. Tells me he shot a turtle tonight. What?! Who shoots a turtle? He says he had to because they eat the fish in his pond. This makes me think of my old pet turtle, Tubby and I want to hang up immediately. Finally, after the longest 20 minutes ever, I tell him I have to go as he rants about Nascar. Who the hell cares about Nascar? And what kind of man doesn't like the NFL? And do I really care you own 4 cars and got your carpets steam cleaned this weekend? No, I do not. Sorry, Charlie. I'm going to have to tell him we will not be having dinner this Friday. Or ever. Texts throughout the day with Mason. Once I'm off the phone with Mo I call Mason to get some fun and normal conversation. We talk for an hour and I go to bed happy.

TUESDAY
Wake up to an ice storm. My Yommey has her spinal tap today. I'm glad I brought the laptop home so I could work from the comfort of my living room today. I have an email bright and early from MOB. It says "Hey babe. It's your future husband. blah blah blah". I have to laugh at myself. I check out the new pictures he has sent me. He's really too damn cute. I miss that smile. I don't miss the drama but I miss that smile and his laugh. He emails and texts me the entire day.

DA calls. Quick conversation he's wondering when he can see me again. I tell him I have a lot on my plate right now with Yommey but we can get together sometime soon. He says he'll call later. He doesn't. A few texts with Mason and BigBoi. Nothing earth shattering. Mo calls twice. I don't answer.

WEDNESDAY
Sitting at work and miss a call from BigBoi. I call him back and he says he's near my office and wants to see me for a minute. I go down and meet him and we talk for a few. He's in a suit and all spiffy and looks pretty cute. We talk about possibly meeting up this weekend if we have time. MOB calls twice while I'm talking to BigBoi.

I'm online, killing some time, and I get a flirt from a hottie. I mean, this guys picture totally jumps out at me. I take a closer look. This smile is melting me like a sno cone in Rio on a muggy August day. I respond to his flirt and it's on like Donkey Kong. And for that, we shall call him Kong. We email most the day. Some other crazies try emailing me but I'm not having it. After work he texts me and this continues until about 10 pm, nonstop. Well, some stop. I had to answer the texts from Mason in between as well and a few from MOB. Kong is done texting and going to bed. I hop on the computer to send some pics to my cuzin from the weekend and Vanilla hits me up. He wants to get together this weekend and I tell him if I have time that would be great but things seem to be filling up pretty quickly. Mo sends me an email and asks if he can call me. I tell him I'm just walking out the door for a date and I can't talk. Mason is texting me like a crazy man. My fingers are getting arthritis from 4 hours of texting so I call Mason back. He answers and he's laughing and says "What's up, woman?" I hear something weird in the background and ask him what he's doing. He says he's in the shower. I'm rolling. I ask why he answered if he's in the shower and he says because I called and he couldn't use the excuse he was washing his hair (his head is clean shaven). Valid point. We talk for a few and he drops his soap and I say this is a prison movie going very awry. We hang up and he calls me back when he gets out of the shower. He again teases me about coming down this weekend to see me. He's such a jackhole. I know he won't but it's fun to pretend he might. We talk for 30 minutes and then drift off to dream.

THURSDAY
I wake up to a text from Kong telling me he cannot wait to see me tonight. We text and email most of the morning. I have two emails from Mo asking me what's going on and to let him know if Friday night is cancelled. I write back and tell him that we are not doing dinner Friday night because I just didn't feel any chemistry between us on the phone and we don't have anything in common. I wish him the best and tell him I'm sorry.

I go online to pay my phone bill. I look at my previous months bill just for giggles and see an absurd amount of very long phone calls with Mason on there. One is 238 minutes. A couple others are over 100 minutes. I decide to tally them up. In 11 days we were on the phone for 992 minutes!! Are you kidding me? That's insane. I'm going to get a tumor on my brain from my cell phone. That's a whole lot of talking for a man who claims he hates talking on the phone. I text him and tell him and he doesn't believe me. I tell him I warned him about the crack and he should've listened. He says it's too late to stop the addiction but there is always rehab.

Whirlwind Weekend

FRIDAY
DA convinces me to meet him for a drink after work. Texts from BigBoi and Mason while I'm driving to meet DA. He's cute. Older than he said he was. Awesome to start off with a lie. We have an interesting conversation. It's not so much great conversation as it is amusing and interesting. We end up having 3 drinks and a shot. I leave an hour and a half later and I'm slightly buzzed. Head to my girl Fair's house. More texts from Mason and BigBoi on my way there. Mason is still contemplating coming down tomorrow. BigBoi wants to get together later tonight. Teej texts me to see if I'm going out on the town. Fair and I head out for a few hours and relax over drinks. I miss calls from Rock and Mob. BigBoi texts me that he's not getting back into town as he originally planned. On the way home I talk to Mason. We actually have a decent talk as to what's been up his ass lately. It's relevant and useful knowledge. I feel a little bit better knowing it was not something I did and that we will hopefully see each other again down the road. We end up talking until 3 in the morning. He still makes me laugh. While we're chatting it up Luck & Teej both text me a couple times to see what I'm doing.

SATURDAY
Morning comes way too early and although I had planned on sleeping in, as usual, my plans are disrupted. At 7:45 my phone starts ringing. The song blaring from it warns me it is an ex. Who the heck? I look at the phone and Dutch Boy's picture is displayed. For a minute I think I must be high as a kite. I roll over and grab it. Hello? He sighs deeply. "Hi. It's me. Sorry to wake you up but it's important." Ok, now this is strange. We haven't talked in months, we've both moved on and I'm not a real big fan of his after the whole moody ass and hit on my sister incident. I ask him what's going on and why he's calling. He just lays it out there in typical Dutch Boy style. "My cancer's back. There's nothing they can do." I knew this was not a dream. I sit up and focus. He explains that the cancer he had 5 years ago is back and it's worse and it's in his lymphnoids and there isn't much of anything the doctors can do to stop it. On top of that his dad died three weeks ago and his girlfriend broke up with him because she couldn't handle everything that was going on. He basically unloads for about 15 minute and I listen because I don't know what else to do. It's a surreal call to get from someone that you once cared very deeply about but haven't heard from in a long time. I tell him I'm sorry and to keep me posted. He promises he will. He asks if he can see me sometime, just as friends, cuz he could use a few minutes of happiness and always found that with me. I tell him we will see. I hang up and go smoke. I need a few minutes for all this to sink in. While I'm smoking he sends me a text that says "Thanks for talking to me." I'm torn between my stubborn pride and compassion.

I lay back down, pretty disturbed, and decide I need more sleep before I can process this. Before I can fall asleep BigBoi starts texting me that's he's on his way back to town now and what am I up to today. He wants to see me again. I text Mason to make sure he made it to work. He did and he's hurting from lack of sleep and too many beers. There's no way he's going to make it down tonight. I know this before he apologizes for it. It would be nice to see him but I'm not too upset. It will be better as a girls night with my Yommey. She could use some fun and distraction. Yommey and I run some errands and grab lunch and prepare for the Santa Pub Crawl that evening. BigBoi comes by and we hangout talking and watching football for an hour or two. I kick him out so I can get ready for the pub crawl.

The pub crawl is insane. There had to have been at least 800 crazies there dressed in their best holiday garb, drinking their faces off and having a good time. Mason texts me and asks how it's going. I say it's a blast and I wish he was there. He writes back "Me 2!" with a sad face. Both Mason and BigBoi text me throughout the night to see how it's going. At the 3rd stop on our route I find a little eye candy. I keep my eye on him for a minute and then approach. He's even hotter up close and I like his voice. We chat for a few. Take a picture. I tell him where we are headed next and take off. I'm hoping he shows. I get back on the bus and watch him walk to his car and realize I told him the wrong bar. I wouldn't be there for at least another hour or so. There goes that one. Lost. Damn it!

Luck and Teej start texting me as well. BigBoi has stopped and gone to bed. On the way home I call Mason. We talk until Yommey opens the door in the parking lot and falls out of the car. I call him back when we get inside and we talk for awhile longer. Finally it's 3 AM and we decide we need sleep. I get a text from him around 3:30 that asks if I'm asleep. I say not yet. He says me either with a sad face. He's too cute.

SUNDAY
A few texts with Mason and Bigboi. Every part of my body hates me. I hurt everywhere. Ugh. I don't go and see Vanilla as planned. A few emails with Mo that evening. I can't sleep a flippin' wink all night. Just toss and turn. Around 5 am I drift off to dream and I'm awoken by a wailing alarm clock 30 minutes later...just as Lost was about to give me his number in my dream. Grrr. Foiled again.

Could This Day Be More F'd Up?

Day starts with a few texts with BigBoi. Nothing crazy. A few emails with Mo and another boy I've been talking to randomly the last two weeks. We'll call him DA. CF keeps IM'ing me and calling me the wrong name. Dude. Then I get a call from my Yommey that she has to go have a MRI. I leave work and go meet her. She has swelling on her brain and they don't know what's causing it. I'm freaked out beyond belief but try to be strong for her. I know she will be just fine but it's scary to even think about what I would do if something happened to her. After we leave the doctors I stop by to see Vanilla. I try to tell him what's going on and I end up bawling to him about Yommey and how she has to be ok. We cuddle on the couch and he tells me a few stories and jokes and has me laughing when I leave an hour later. He asks me if I want to hang out on Sunday and I tell him that sounds good. I try to get ahold of Mr. No Show cuz I just think he will make me feel better about the Yommey thing. I leave him a message but I don't hear back. Jackhole.

Texts with Mason. Apparently telling him to kiss it Tuesday night was a little wake up call for him. Fine by me. If he wants back in the game he has to step up. A few texts from MOB. Emails with Mo. He keeps asking to take me out for dinner. I tell him sometime next week should work then tell all boys I'm off limits because I need to make some cookies for my Yommey.

Oh, and I emailed Von about getting the boys before they leave and called him out making me think they had left in August. I'm guessing that big stupid coward will not respond or let me see them. Grrr.

This morning when I get to work Mason texts me to see how my day is going. Asks if the invitation to come down this weekend has expired or not. I say it's still open if he wants it. He says he will see what he can do. I'm pretty sure he won't make it down but pleasantly surprised he's even considering it. We'll see.

Are you kidding me? I love Love.

What do I have against love? A reader asked me the other day. It struck me as an odd question so I inquired further. The reader asked why I would chose the “empty and meaningless life” I do over finding love and being happy. Well, had I known love and happiness was the blue light special down the road at Pick-A-Life, I definitely would’ve made my way down there to make a purchase but last time I checked, it didn’t happen that way. Yes, I date a lot. Yes, many men have come in and out of my life but there’s a reason for this. If you find one and he’s not it, why waste time trying to force rum out of a kumquat? Let go, learn a lesson and get ghost.

Please, dear reader, do not mistake my relationships as a lack of love in my life. I have loved many men and have had many men love me. I have had great loves. I have had not so great loves. But always, I loved completely. I’m good at being in love. I yearn for it. It suits me and completes me. It may surprise you to know I do believe, or hope, that I will someday find that “one love”. Until that time, I keep searching. I keep loving even after heartbreak, with all my heart. I don’t half ass anything. I am overly passionate and that is sometimes my down fall. Some people do not know what to do when I love them back. When that happens, I know they are not the love for me. If and when I find the perfect love of my life, they will understand and welcome my love and return it in ways that will boggle even my mind. This is what I search for and I will not settle for a love that is any less.

Spontaneous Sally

Spend most of my day messenging and texting with BigBoi. Have three more 24 year olds try to initiate contact. I'm just not understanding this trend. Oh well. Not for me to get, I guess. Nothing from Mr. No Show. CF tries to contact me in about 50 dozen different emails. Ugh.

BigBoi and I decide we're going to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I get home from work and we start texting some more. Next thing you know it's 6:30 and we decide to meet at a bar for drinks. I ask him where he wants to go and he suggests the bowling alley/bar & grill on the north side of town. Normally this would be a super fun place to have a date. But not on a Tuesday night. Tuesday nights Mr. No Show has bowling league there. That is not the situation I want to meet BigBoi in. That would be a fun one to explain. Ha! Instead we go to my favorite little bar on the Westside. He's very cute. Sweet. Smells good. We sit there for about 3 hours talking. It's fun. He walks me to my car and gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks if he can call me tomorrow. Well, duh.

As I'm driving home I get a text from Mason. We exchange a few and it doesn't go very well. He keeps saying he's going through some shit but won't tell me what. I think he's just full of shit, personally. Anyway, we throw a few heated texts back and forth and finally I just stop writing. He writes me one more time and says he's not trying to be a jerk he just needs to get things figured out and I need to be patient and everything will be ok. Hmmm...patience...I've heard of this phenomenon. It's about as real to me as the Lochness monster.

I write Mr. No Show a quick email. I fully admit, it's a little pathetic. I amaze myself sometimes how I can be mean and sappy and sweet and stabbing him where it hurts all in one short paragraph. Pick a personality, lady, I dare you. Then again, what fun would that be? Go to bed cuz I have to be up early for work. My throat is killing me. Good thing BigBoi didn't try for a kiss. I'm pretty sure I need antibiotics of some sort.

Cuz I'm Just That Flippin' Lucky!

I know a lot of people complain about Mondays. I'm not trying to jump on the bandwagon here or anything but my day was...interesting...to say the least. First of all while I'm at lunch I get another email from Mr. No Show. Tells me he's playing basketball and working and staying out trouble. I tell him I'm glad to hear it. He writes back and says he never got the package I told him I would send. I said I didn't send it because I didn't think he would want it. He says he's been waiting for it. I tell him I still have it but didn't think it would have much meaning anymore. But if he still wants it, it's his.

Talk to a few new dudes yesterday online. Mo, CF and BigBoi. CF was nice but something was off that I just couldn't put my finger on. For once I decide to listen to my instincts. He asks for my number and I say no but that we can chat on messenger if he wants. Mo is cool but just got out of a 10 year marriage. Will have to feel out if he's looking for a rebound or what the story is. Bigboi cracks me up. He's 8 years older though. Not a huge deal but something I keep in the back of my mind.

I go to leave work with a co-worker and lo and fucking behold, the same elevator stops in the same place with me in it on my 2nd consecutive work day. Are you kidding me?! How does this happen? The upside is this time I have someone to talk to and it didn't take 50 minutes. Only 35 this time. Woot woot! But still, what are the odds of this? Not good, I'm sure. I'm like a freak of elevator nature apparently. They finally get us out and I've missed my appointments I was planning to attend to after work. Such is life. Head home and jump online while I'm making dinner. A few texts with Mason but nothing worth writing about. CF starts hitting me on messenger and I'm realizing he repeats himself a lot. I'm about to tell him I have to go because I need to make dinner and he says "It's really cool of you to talk to me even though I have a brain injury." Huh? So he starts on this rant...and I mean RANT...telling me all about his accident and how he was prior to and how he is now and asking me if I heard about it when I was in college and on and on and on. I don't say anything but the occassional "wow" or "sorry to hear that", etc. Thirty minutes later he's still going on and on about how they told him he wouldn't walk and he did and people are so mean to people with a brain injury and what not. So here I am, listening to my ground beef burn on the stove, wanting desperately to save it and eat it but I'm stuck on the computer with someone I have lost any semblence of interest in and I can't get off because he's going to think it's because of the brain injury and it's not. It's because he hasn't asked anything about me and it's a real turn off when someone dumps their entire life story/tragedy on you the first day you start talking and makes it the longest story ever. I tell him I'm sorry to cut him short (which I'm by NO means doing) but that my dinner is burning and I have to go. I decide to sign off for the night and this morning I have 4 new emails from him telling me how cool I am and how great it is that I am not biased towards brain injured people and that he knew he was going to meet someone as awesome as me yesterday. Dude. Haven't written him back yet. Not sure what to say. Why do I feel guilty? It would've been the same if he had been going on and on about a divorce or an ex or his car. Ugh. I have to think on this one.

Emailing and messenging with BigBoi all morning. He's a Dolphins fan but I'm trying not to hold that against him. Come to find out he worked in the same building as me up until 2 weeks ago. I'm wracking my brain to think if I have seen him around or not.

Got a few texts from Teej. (The one I met at the same time as Mr. No Show back in the day). We still talk once every few months. Just friends but it's nice to hear from him from time to time. And I know if I ever needed to break open the emergency booty call, he would definitely come running and help me out. He's fun like that. Hopefully I won't have to anytime soon but one can never tell.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I found out the boys are still here with Von. They never left in August like they were supposed to. They are now planning to depart with their mother in two weeks. How could he not let me see them all these months? What the hell is wrong with that guy? Don't answer that. We don't have that much time. Livid. Livid. Livid.

Turkey Day Recap

Well...things didn't start off to bright on Wednesday. I got stuck in the elevator, between floors, while at work. For an hour. Oh yeah, that was awesome. The perfect way to spend time for someone that is scared of heights and small places. Dangling 11 floors above the ground. While I'm trapped in this steel box I get a text from Mason telling me he was busy that night. We had originally planned that I would stop and see him on my way to my parents. This is great timing for him to blow me off for good. Again, awesome. My favorite part was when they FINALLY got there to let me out and told to stand at the back of the elevator and not face the doors. What are you going to do, blow the doors open with dynamite? What the french toast?! Anyway, I was finally rescued and decided it was time to go home and see the family. Spent some quality time with them. Met my sissy's new man. I give him a thumbs up. As we're getting ready to go out I get an email from Mr. No Show wishing me a happy thanksgiving and a great weekend. I write him back and tell him thanks and I hope he is well. Then I close with "just for the record, I don't miss talking to you at all." It's a total and complete lie but I thought it was probably good to let him know. Went out that night in a town of about 200, all of which were at the local bar. Apparently my cougar status is still in tact because I swear every kid that tried to talk to me was under the age of 27. My cousin thought this should be a great boost to my self-esteem that I'm hot enough the youngsters want me. It was not. It really depressed me. Talked to Rock at 3 in the morning when I finally made it home. Can I have him on a platter with some stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner, please?!

Saturday night I return from my uncles birthday party and get a text from Mason at 2 in the morning. He's drunk and wants to chat. I'm like what is your deal, dude? We go back and forth for about an hour and finally I fall asleep. I texted him Sunday on my way home to see if he wanted to get together. He was hungover and was going to bed. Figures. My normally 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive takes nearly 5 because I hit an ice storm and watch countless cars around me spin out of control and go in the ditch while we drive down the interstate. By the time I get home I'm beyond tense and tired and annoyed. I pop a sleeping pill and hit the hay around 9 pm. I know, oh the crazy life of the player on a Sunday night.

Received an email from Mr. No Show this morning. Didn't comment on my telling him that I didn't miss talking to him. He asked me how my weekend went and said his was good. Part of me wishes he would say his was awful. That everything in his life has been awful since we stopped talking and he can't live without me and will do whatever I want to make it work. Alas, none of those statements were in the email. Thus is life. And I still know I'm better off without him and he doesn't deserve me but dang I miss talking to him like I imagine I would miss a kidney or a toe. I can still function just fine but something just doesn't feel right when he's gone.