I've Got My Eye On One

MONDAY NIGHT
Remember how Q was begging me to call him and hear him out? I hee and haw about whether or not to do it and then I decide around 9 pm I will, for the sheer fact that I want to unleash my evil alter ego on his ass and let him know just how angry I am. I call. It rings once, someone answers and instantly hangs it up. Huh? Are you kidding me? So either he didn't want to talk or he's with someone that doesn't want him talking to me. Either way, his ass is grass. I sit for a second and ponder. I call back again. It rings and goes to voicemail. Wow.

TUESDAY
I send Q a text and tell him to erase my number and that he's an asshole for hanging up on me. He says he didn't hang up but his phone is messed up because he dropped it. I say well good, now it matches your messed up head and life. He tries to continue to text me. I tell him to cut the bullshit and excuses because I don't want to hear them. He says he really needs to talk to me and he will call me tonight until I give in and answer. I don't hear crap from MNS all day. That just figures because Q is gone so now he doesn't need to keep me hanging on a thread of hope. My dating guardian angel/curse sucks.

I spend most of my day chatting with Bear online. There is something about this guys picture that made me determined to talk to him. The more I find out about him, the more I like. We talk on my way home from work. He's got a sexy voice. He asks me to go out and show him the town tonight. I can't because it's Tuesday and it's my be at home night. I tell him I probably can Wednesday night. I really hope he takes the job and relocates here. MNS texts me around 6:30 to say he had a crazy day at work and he's sorry he didn't get to talk to me. I tell him to have fun at bowling. Mason and Kong are both blowing up my phone with text messages to see how my day is going and what's new.

Q texts me at 9 and asks if I'm awake. I tell him I am, thinking he is going to call and I can get all this crap off my chest and be done with it. But he doesn't call. What the hell is wrong with him? I can't even have my evil fun with him? Dang!

WEDNESDAY
Q texts me good morning on my way to work. Is this guy for real? I write him back "Don't talk to me anymore. You said you would call last night and you didn't. That was your last shot. I'm done". He texts me four more times throughout the day and I don't answer. A couple short texts from MNS. Nothing fun or dirty or groundbreaking, just basic chit chat. I'm so busy talking on email and text with Bear that I hardly had time to notice.

The more I learn about Bear the more intrigued I am. He's hot. 6'4" tall and we all know how I love me a tall man. He has an amazing smile and kind eyes. He's never been married, has no children, played college ball and spent some time with the Chicago Bears (hence the name as much as I hate that team). He has a awesome job and likes many of the same things that I do. Over the past few days we've talked about our likes and dislikes and what we're looking for. We seem to be on the same page. I'm really looking forward to meeting him. He texts me and he says he has something bad to tell me. Oh great. My head is spinning with things this could be. He has AIDS or cancer or can't have kids. Something horrible. I call him on my 2:30 break and ask what's wrong. He says he's in quite a pickle about whether or not to take the job and relocate the 5000 miles to this town. I agree it's a big decision. He asks me what I would do. I say I'm the type of person that would rather try something and know then not try and wonder what could've been. I mean, I jumped in my car 72 hours after my college graduation and moved to the other end of the country. I'm always one for an adventure. I ask him what's holding him in the place he's in now. He says absolutely nothing. I ask if he thinks he will like the job. He says he thinks he would love it. Then what is the dilemna? He says that he doesn't think there is one anymore. He's quiet for a second and I ask if he's ok. "Yesterday I was thinking I would turn this job down" he says, "but after talking to you, I'm going to take it." *Gulp* Yikes! What did I just do? He says he has a really weird feeling about us. I ask why it's weird. He says not weird in a bad way, just different than other people he's met in the past. I tell him that I would love to have him here but he has to do what's best for him and his future.

He texts me 15 minutes later. It says "I took the job. :)" He apologizes that we can't go out tonight because they are flying him out at 7:45. He only has a week to go back and get his affairs together and get back here to start the new job. I've been blown off before but "I'm flying out tonight to go pack up my life and move 5000 miles and then you can can see me any day you want" is probably the best one I have ever heard in my life. I'm so excited to hear this! He sends me another text that totally cracks me up. "Are you sure they didn't hire you to get me to stay?" I have to laugh outloud. "No, I want you to stay. It has nothing to do with the car they bought me. :)" He thinks I'm funny. I talk to him on my way home from work. He is in the cab, heading to the airport. He texts me when he gets to the airport and on his layover.

Q texts me after I'm in bed...four times asking if I want to talk. I don't answer any of them. He needs to disappear. I don't have time for liars, cheaters or idiots in general right now. I've got my eye on one and a smile on my face.

Yommey asks me if I'm freaked out by the fact that he is moving here. Oddly, I'm not. I have a good feeling about Bear. I won't even tell you where I found him. Let's just say an unusual place that I have never checked before but for some reason I did and there he was and it just clicked. Something is in the works here, good or bad, and as always, I'm just going to roll with it. This fat kid is going to catch that donut yet!!!

There's A Stone Tablet of Commandments Chasing Me Down That Hill I Was Rolling On

Q texts me first thing this morning. I don't respond. He sends me another one an hour later asking how my day is. I say fine and don't ask about his.
Q: Do you miss me?
Me: That's irrelevant.
Q: I miss you too.

This annoys me. I never said I missed him.

Me: I'm not the kind of girl that will put up with your shit over and over. Sorry. You didn't even try to call me and work things out. That tells me how much I mean to you, ass. I require more effort than texts.

Q: I didn't even know if you would talk to me.
Me: Well you would've tried if you cared.
Q: Are you going to talk to me now?

He begs me to call him later and just "hear him out". MNS starts texting me and my interest in this conversation with Q is gone. A few quick texts and MNS asks if I can get online and IM.

Ok, a lot of this I have to edit for R rated content. I will just put other crap in those areas so you don't have to read the explicit parts.

MNS: Hows work going?
MNS: not talking
Me: sorry. was away from my desk. what's up hot stuff?
Me: now who's not talking? am i on punishment for not being at my desk? you should probably spank me for that. lol.
MNS: I waited you didn't answer so I had some stuff to do.
Me: how's your day going?
MNS: ok not to bad. What about you?
Me: it's ok. nothing too crazy.
MNS: glad to hear that.
Me: did you wanna come over after ball tonight? or are you thinking maybe try for later in the week or something?
MNS: don't know yet
Me: can you tell i'm horny out of my mind?
MNS: me toooo!
Me: i hope you are.
MNS: why wouldn't I be?
Me: i dunno. it's just taking awhile for us to get this together. i'm just glad to hear you're horny. so many thoughts in my head, so little time.
MNS: I know it's just that I have a lot of stuff to get figured out and some things are complicated and I really don't want to get you involved. Know what I mean?
Me: no. i will just take your word for it. anything i can help with? i would like to think i could make it a little better. whatever you think is best, i guess. all i can do is trust you. and hope that you get so horny you can't stand it and cave soon.
MNS: I am sure you could make it better. I just don't want you to be in a position you don't want to be in. I don’t mean sexually tho. There are lots of positions I would like to get you in sexually. :)
Me: ok. you're making me wonder what the heck is going on now. is it four wives? the mob? you're in the FBI? wait...how do you know what kind of position i want to be in if you don't give me the option? i may surprise you. jk. as far as sexually, there will be MANY positions for us. many, many, many happy little positions.
MNS: It's nothing absolutely crazy so don't think that. I just have some crazy shit going on in my life right now and I really hate it. Actually that’s why I like talking to you so much cause you make me feel better about a lot of things. I do want to meet up and have some great fun cause I know it would be. You make me happy.
Me: you'd be amazed how much crazy i've seen/done and been involved in so i just wanted you to know that very little surprises me. well, i'm glad you like talking to me. you make my days better too. and i look forward to humping your brains out someday.
MNS: Yes but when we begin talking a long time ago you made some things clear and I am not going to go against that. I won't put you in that spot. Someday soon cause I really want to taste every inch of you. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
Me: made some things clear? what are you talking about? that can only be that i don't share well and you have someone else. awesome. :( well, kick that bitch to the curb so that i can blow your mind and make you realize you have never met another woman like me before. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
MNS: BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
MNS: well then we are going to need to get started very, very soon.
Me: waiting on you buddy, waiting on you. let me know when you get rid of her and i'm ready to rock. or maybe you need me to convince you to get rid of her. lol.
MNS: Well now that you mention it some convincing might be good. It may be just what I need. I haven't had a really good time in a very long time and I know you’re just the one to show me. Wish we could get down right now, with all this talk I'm ready to do some damage to you. You amaze me everyday and I want to amaze you back.
Me: i'm pretty sure i could talk you into just about anything. i'm a very convincing woman. i'm sorry to hear you haven't had a really good time in a very long time. seems like a lot of time you've been wasting when you could've been with me.
MNS: I agree with you 100% !!!!! I bet you are very convincing. Believe me I am ready to stop wasting time. And yes I am sure you could talk me into anything.
Me: i could and i'm ready to. i can be the rock you need that rocks your world. i have no problem with that. of course, you have to promise not to get too addicted to the crack and thinking about slipping it in me 24/7. you still have to work and play your sports. i can't have you falling apart cuz you're trying to get in my shit. have to keep you in line. LOL. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
MNS: BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED I want to get started right now cause I got something here for you. lol I'm about ready to explode right now.
Me: don't do that. i told you that you have to save it for me to have. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED you wanna get started right now? come over after basketball tonight. double dog dare ya. oh yeah, i went there. lol.
Me: see, you got nothing!! lol. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
MNS: How about we go in the morning? We can start the day off with a bang. Literally. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
Me: the morning would probably work. tonight would be better tho. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED
MNS: Your lucky you work in WDM other wise I would MAKE go home for lunch and I would meet you there and put a quickie on you cause I am going crazy right now. I am positive that once I am in you I won't want to be anywhere else. I can't wait. We've been waiting way too long.
Me: That sounds divine to me. I'm glad it's driving you crazy just talking about it. Makes you more curious what the real thing is gonna feel like. All you know is it's gonna be good but you have no idea how good.
MNS: I don't till tomorrow morning. Gotta go do some work. if your on this afternoon I will talk to you then. May have to relieve myself cause I can't walk around like this all day. lol
Me: text me when you want me to get back online. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED too bad you can't meet me for lunch and take care of that.
MNS: oh if we could I would bring it to you to take care of. Thats the kind of team player I need. BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED it's going to be great.
Me: BLAH BLAH BLAH R RATED. miss me...
MNS: I already miss you. talk to you soon sexy!!
Me: bye babe.

I have to take a minute to take this all in. I'm re-reading the words and Apprentice walks up to my desk. "What are you all smiles about?" I roll my eyes at her. "I'm not smiling." She laughs and says "You SO are!" Ok, so I am smiling. I love talking to him. This is not a secret to anyone. It may not make sense to others but something about him ignites things in me. I don't know why. It seems wrong on many levels, I'm sure. I can't believe I told him I could convince him to leave her. That is against everything I've ever stood for. Part of me thinks it's okay because it isn't real and I will never have the opportunity to be with him like that. Although thinking it and acting on it are sometimes equally guilty actions.
So here's my dilemna. How can I kick Q to the curb for having someone and not cut MNS loose as well? In fact, actually encourage MNS to come be with me even though I know he has someone? There are a couple different things I need to address here. First of all, Q lied, repeatedly to me and we were involved emotionally and physically. MNS and I have never even met because he's been trying to "tie up some loose ends". Had I known from day one that MNS had someone else I never would've pursued it. By the time I started suspecting it, I was already in too deep. The fact that he hasn't come through on his promises to be with me pisses me off daily, but in a REALLY twisted way, I am happy that he doesn't want to put me in that position and wants to be free of her before he's with me. Although I don't think it should take this long if he really wants it to be over with her. Then again, I don't know all the details. I hope to soon though.

I am admitting, as terrible as it is, that if MNS showed up at my door right now there would not be a thought in my head that us being together is wrong or we should stop until he has a clean slate. I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. There's no point. Anyone that knows the MNS saga knows that I have to have this. Be it tomorrow or next year. I will not rest until I have some kind of closure with him. I must see him once, no matter the price, to know he is real and I didn't dream him up.

I am smart enough to realize though that this will not go unpunished. Like I told Q last night. Actions have consequences. You have to make choices. I know being with MNS will have consequences. I can dream they will be wonderful and sweet and that he will be everything I pray he could be and we will live happily ever after but unfortunately, I am a realist. I fear that being with him will be terrible and feel wrong and I will be overcome with guilt or disappointment. The minute we cross that line, all dreams and illusions we've been living in and the pedestal I have him on will crash. At this moment, I'm pretty sure God will make sure of that. It will be my penance. The careful what you wish for and never be the bitch that tries to break up a happy home bitch-slap from God. That will be just peachy. Can't wait.

What Comes After Q? R...As In ROLL ON!

THURSDAY
Yommey and I go out Thursday night and drink entirely too much but we have a blast. Meet a cutie out and about who asks me for my number. As hard as it is, I tell him I have a boyfriend. I try texting Q a little bit later and he of course doesn't answer. This is his theme this week. Three days in a row he's not accessible to answer my texts or phone calls in the evening. Supposedly because of the crap he's dealing with and his mom being sick. Whatever, dude. I smell a rat. A big one. Cutie asks for my number again and says we can just hang out as friends sometime. I try calling Q one more time and get his voicemail. With that, I give the cutie my number. Just in case. I have a feeling it's time to start restocking the pockets.

I try calling MNS but his phone is off. Q texts me at 11:30 but I don't get it until an hour later when I check my phone. Mason calls and we talk for awhile. Nothing new, just shooting the shit. Mob calls on our way home and I hand the phone to Yommey because I'm trying to drive. They apparentely cannot get along at all and she hangs up the phone. Mob calls me when I get home and is yelling at me for hanging up on him. I tell him it wasn't me and to chill out. I'm not sure exactly how it went there, as I was lying in bed and trying to sleep, but not thing I know Mob is making me cry. He's telling me how I obviously don't love him and he's not a priority in my life anymore. You wanna talk priorities? Really? In the almost two year off-and-on bogus relationship that we had, I never cracked your top 100 priorities. I came in behind your "work", your kids, the family, your friends, your car, your drugs, your drinking, hustling, video games, eating and taking your daily shit. I was never a priority to you so you shove this little guilt trip of yours in your blunt and smoke it, dude. He asks me again to move back and marry him. I tell him no and this time, I do hang up on him as he questions my love for him.

FRIDAY
No word from MNS. I shoot him a text in the morning but he doesn't answer. I feel like hell all day long. I am way too old to party like that on a week night. Ugh. Q texts me in the morning that he'll see me in 12 hours and can't wait. Ronnie calls me while I'm at work. Apparently I left him a drunk message and serenaded him while I was at it. I ask him what song. He says he thinks it was "Baby Got Back" but it was really just a lot of screaming at the top of my lungs. Gotta love me. We talk for a few and he makes fun of me in a way only Ronnie can do. I have to take it because I totally deserve it.

I talk to Q after lunch and tell him I'm going to take a nap. He says he will see me soon...

FRIDAY NIGHT
Yommey and I go run some errands before the boys arrive. S is supposed to pick up Q at 5:30 and then they'll be on their way. I text Q to see if they were but he doesn't answer. S calls around 6 and says he can't find Q anywhere. He's been waiting and tried calling him and sent him some texts but got no response. I try Q's phone and get his voicemail. I send him a few texts to see where he is. Nothing. I'm flippin' livid that S is sitting there waiting for him and he doesn't have the common fucking courtesy to answer his calls. If he's not coming that's fine but let S know so he can get on the road. After he waits 45 minutes I tell Yommey to tell S to leave him. This is bullshit.

Before I go to bed I try calling Q a few more times. For a brief second I'm worried about his safety but that passes and I'm pissed. All weeks he's been weird, MNS has been lurking and I know what this means. It's over. Speaking of MNS, I haven't heard from him at all today. I have to laugh at myself. This is how this game always works. He comes around long enough for whatever relationship I'm currently in to go awry, and then when they disappear, so does he...until the next one comes along.

SATURDAY
You would think that I woke up with a ton of missed calls or texts from Q, explaining that he was kidnapped by aliens and finally fought his way free and is on his way to see me. Nope. Nothing. Yommey asks if I'm okay. I am. My pride is hurt but I don't need the bullshit and what makes me the most mad is that he left S hanging and waiting for him. Who does that? No one I want to be involved with, I can tell you that.

Yommey and I go out to the fam's to play with the kids. Did I mention the new one is the cutest baby ever?! They both totally melt my heart. Being with them is my happy place and right now, there is no place in the world I would rather be. I have not a care in the world as I watch them play. My phone rings and it's a number I don't recognize but I know instantly it involves Q because of the area code. I answer and it's the pyscho-ex. She says "Please don't hang up on me. There's something you need to know..." I will spare you the details of the 30 minute conversation but it basically goes something like this...

She says Q was with her last night when he was supposed to meet S at spot x at 5:30. They were at a movie. She was with him all night. She knew it was me calling at 9 when they were fucking in their bed. She claims that he moved back in with her on Tuesday. (The first night I couldn't get a hold of him on a whim). She's not being hateful or rude. She's just giving me details that she shouldn't know if there wasn't something going on. She said she just dropped him off at his brothers and she knows he will be contacting me but she wanted me to know the truth so I didn't get my heart broken like the other women in his life. She goes on and on and uncovers many lies that he told me and I believed. She says there are others besides me and her. I finally tell her I have to go. I go back in the living room and pick up the baby. All I wanna do is hold someone innocent that loves me unconditionally. A man that has not yet been twisted into a heart wrecking machine.

As the fam sits down to lunch my phone rings that I have a text from Q. A text, really? You should be blowing up my phone and begging for forgiveness you stupid asshole. You want to send me a text that simply says "I'm sorry" and think that's going to make it all fine? I ask him if he's sorry for not showing up, lying to me or being a cheating fucking coward. He says he didn't cheat. I ask him where he was. He avoids the question. I keep replying "where were you that you couldn't take 20 seconds to let us know you weren't coming?" He continues to avoid until I tell him to go take a flying fucking leap off a really short cliff. He doesn't understand why I'm angry. He didn't do anything wrong. He still hasn't told me where he was last night. I point this out. He says you act like you already know. That's right, I do. He says it wasn't like that and she was acting all crazy like she was going to hurt herself again and he just went over there to be a friend and make sure she was ok. I tell him it doesn't matter. I don't trust him and I don't care.

I take our picture off of myspace. I change my status on facebook to single. Within three minutes Vanilla IM's me that he saw my status and wanted to make sure I'm ok. Dude, you don't want to make sure I'm okay. You want to know if you can come back and visit my playpen. Mason and Kong text me as well throughout the night to see what I'm up to. I'm going out with some friends and not dealing with any men tonight.

While I'm out, Q keeps texting me and saying he's sorry and pressing the issue. I stop responding. He writes over and over begging me to talk to him. I tell him we have nothing to talk about. I don't want to hear his side of the story. It doesn't matter if he was with her or breastfeeding a dying goat, he could've taken 30 seconds to call or text. The point is I don't need the drama or the crap. I told him if she ever contacted me again because he didn't cut her loose it was done. What part of "I'm not playing" doing people not understand? Yes, I'm the player but I'm not playing bogus games with matters of the heart. You're out. You're done. I tell him to have a nice life.

He continues to text me throughout the night. I don't answer. See how he likes being ignored. I have nothing else to say. MNS texts me around 11 and tells me how he wishes he was with me right now. I know this is just the weird game of MNS. Somehow his telekinetic powers tell him I might be in contact with Q and he better jump in just in case I'm starting to fold or fall for the lies. I respond back that I wish MNS was with me as well. That's all he needs to know, that I have not forgotten him and will not end up with another tonight and so he disappears.

SUNDAY
It's a low-key day and I'm glad for that. I wake up to a text from Q but I don't respond. Yommey and Apprentice are worried and want to make sure I'm not too hurt. It's weird to try to explain, and I'm sure it makes me sound cold, but the only thing that's hurt is my pride. I wasn't emotionally invested enough to be heartbroken. And people wonder why I put up my guard? It's for situations like this. Relationships I have aways go awry. I know to stay strong and a bit detached for awhile in the beginning. It's a valuable lesson I learned the hard way, a few times. I'm embarassed and feel stupid for believing him at all. I wanted to believe him. I should've skated at the first sign of drama. Yommey reminds me that sometime I will have to put myself out there. I remind her, only if I want to be hurt. She says she was fooled by him too. He put on an amazing show and seemed to really care about me. Oddly, I don't think it's that he doesn't care about me in a very messed up way. I just think he's an idiot who couldn't care enough about someone other than himself. It's too bad. I will really miss the sex. It was phenomenal. Apparently too phenomenal not to share with a plethora of women. Jackass.

Q tries to text me in the afternoon. I reiterate that it's done. He asks if it's too late for us. Have you not read a single thing I've said to you in the last 24 hours? I tell him he fucked up, beyond anything that can be repaired. He says he will move here and marry me tomorrow so I know that I can trust him and I'm the only one he wants to be with. I tell him that him moving here wouldn't prove that I can trust him, it would only prove that I was a complete idiot. I tell him to leave me alone for good. He sends one more text but I don't answer. He sends another a few hours later and asks what I'm up to. I tell him none of his business.

MNS sends me a dirty text. I respond in my normal dirty fashion. I won't hear anything more tonight. Perhaps tomorrow morning we will resume. Perhaps we won't. I have a feeling it depends if I hear from Q or not.

Suspicious Minds

Last night was the third night in a row I couldn't get a hold of Q after work. With normal guys this would be no big whoop but with Q, who is usually up my ass 24/7, it seems very weird. It makes me wonder what the hell is going on. I text him when I get home from work, just like I told him I would. He doesn't respond. Two hours later I send him a text and ask if he's mad at me or something. No response. I try calling him at 8:30 and it goes to voicemail. I'm getting really pissed off. My phone rings that I have a text. "Finally!", I think to myself. I grab my phone but it's not Q. It's MNS. He apologizes again for not making it this morning. He says he is on his way to basketball and that he should be done by 10:30 or so. I tell him he can call when he's done but I will probably be asleep. I get a text from Q right before I go to bed that says he's sorry it took him so long to reply but he's been talking to his mom and she's getting worse so he's talking to his brother. I wonder, if I really am the love of his life like he claims I am, why wouldn't he talk to me about his mom? He won't even tell me what's wrong with her. All I know is that she's sick and she's in Mississippi and they are not very close. I try calling him but he doesn't answer. WTF, bobaloo?!?! I text him back and say that it's weird I haven't been able to get ahold of him and if he needs to talk, I'm here. Nothing.

At 5:17 this morning my phone beeps at me again. I glance at the clock. Ooooh, is MNS on his way over? Wait, that was the last two days that was supposed to happen, not today. I look and it's Q. It just says "hey". Really? That's all you got for me? And what the hell are you doing up so early? Just coming home from your other girlfriends? Guilt and paranoia are getting the best of me this week, I guess. I text back "hey". How does he like it? We exchange like two texts and then he stops. I ask him if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or what. I get a message in 2.1 seconds but it's not him. It's MSN asking how my morning is going. Q takes over an hour to text me back and say that he does want to talk to me. I say then he needs to tell me what the hell is going on and if he's still coming tomorrow. Another hour later he says "yeah baby". Yeah baby, what? You're coming? You're ok? You've met someone else? Yeah baby, what? He says nothing is going on. I respond and get nothing back for the last hour. This from the guy that is usually so fast on a response that I can't keep up? Don't tell me something isn't going on. My gut feeling is off the charts right now that something is very awry. Maybe he has a Mrs. No Show there? Maybe it's the ex? Maybe a co-worker? Maybe he's just done with me? Regardless, just let me know. I hate nothing more in the entire world than being shut out. Well, that and snockers and rednecks.

MNS is texting this morning, being his usual flirty and dirty self. I respond because Q is pissing me off and I need attention right now. And well, that's just who I am and what I do.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON
MNS texts me over lunch and we decide both of our lunches would be more fun if we were naked together. Alas, it's not going to happen but at least we agree.

Finally get some responses from Q. He says he doesn't want to stress me out with the stuff about his mom. I tell him, as his girlfriend, it's my job and it won't stress me out but maybe I can help him feel better. Once I tell him I'm here for him and he can talk to me, he is instantly better and back to his old, attentive and loving self. Why do men always think they have to carry their burdens and stress alone? Don't they know by now that bottling it up does nobody any flippin' good? Dang. Anyway, I feel much better about this now and am again excited for him to come tomorrow night. It's been two weeks since I've seen him and I'm jonesing. I need to get some in a major way and I know Q will deliver and work to keep a permanent smile on my face the entire weekend. He is a giver, that's for sure.

Yommey and I decided we might have to go out tonight and partake in consumption of some adult beverages. It's been a long time. I'm so looking forward to it. After one helluva week for both of us, we could definitely use it! Hooray for night out with my Yommey!! Perhaps I'll have an interesting story or two for tomorrow. One can never tell...

No Humping For Me On Hump Day

TUESDAY
I ease up on Q a little bit, realizing it is not at all his fault that I'm being bitchy to him. He said he misses me so much he can hardly stand it and can't wait to see me this weekend. I do miss him too. I like spending time with him. It's great. It's just those days in between his visits (which will be two weeks when he finally gets here on Friday) that make it hard. Of course, I could solve this by letting him move here but we all know how I feel about that at this time. So I will just deal with missing him during the week.

MNS and I exchange flirty and dirty texts all day long. After lunch he says "how about I come over tomorrow morning? I know I can't wait for tomorrow night". We decide he will come over at 6:30, like we had originally planned on Monday, and then he will come back Wednesday night after work as well. He pretends like he's all serious and these plans are set in stone. I am hopeful but realistic. He hasn't shown up once in the last 18 months. If he came twice in one day I would probably go into cardiac arrest. Hell, if he showed up once, just EVER, I'm not sure I could avoid shock.

TUESDAY NIGHT
I get home from the gym and working out with my trainer we shall from now on refer to as "He's totally trying to kill me a.k.a HTTTKM) and my phone is blowing up like a tick in a blood bank. Mason is texting me and seems to want to chit chat. He tells me he bought the kids a new four wheeler, work is busy, he's redoing part of the house, etc. All things that are nice to hear but have nothing to do with me and I'm not sure why he's sharing. I think he's just lonely and needs a friend. I'm totally cool with us being friends.

Amidst texts from Mason I get a few from Q and then a few from MNS. MNS made it to bowling and his drinking with his buddies. A little later, as we chit chat back and forth, I get the text that says "bowling is going really good now. just started doing shots. maybe i can come over when i'm done here? drunk sex is fun". I reply to take it easy on the shots or he will be of no use to me. That's around 8:30 pm. I look at Yommey and tell her he's doing shots and I know he won't show up in the morning. I text Q and he doesn't reply. I send him another text when I'm going to bed. Well, maybe he's alseep again, who knows? He writes back just as I'm drifting off that he's sorry he was on the phone with his mom. I tell him good night and I'll talk to him tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
I wake up at 5:15 a.m. I toss and turn, trying to convince myself to go back to sleep. Resistance is futile. I get up and get ready even though I know he's not coming. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. For what reason is beyond me! At 6 I text him and ask if we're still on. He doesn't answer. I try calling him at 6:45 but he doesn't answer. I leave for work cursing his name the entire commute.

Q is texting me on my way to work and being especially sappy today. He's so fucking sweet. Why am I such a bitch?!

A text from MNS at 8:26, or two hours after he was supposed to be at my house.

MNS: i am very VERY sorry. i got smashed last night and didn't get up. now i'm late for class also. i'm sorry. :(

I don't reply...right away. Yommey convinces me that my silence may be more effective than ripping him a new one. I'm pretty sure nothing I could say, do or not do, for that matter, would fucking phase him at all. Two hours later I can't take it anymore. I reply "Yeah, me too". I'm sorry he sucks. I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same. I'm sorry for believing him. I'm sorry for considering cheating on Q. I'm sorry for not meaning more to him than getting smashed with the guys at bowling. I'm sorry for a lot of things.

I look at my horoscope and all I can do is laugh. Most the time I read them for pure entertainment and don't pay them much mind. Today, I can't help but think some celestial god somewhere knows what the hell they are talking about and geared this one specifically towards me.

Cancer: Love & Relationships
Daily Love for today, February 18, 2009
The flake? They've gotta go. You spend way too much time scheduling stuff with this person only so they'll blow you off at the last minute. The world's full of hottie and cuties waiting to meet you. If your pal can't commit, find companionship elsewhere. It's okay to be honest.

The flake has gotta go...I read it over and over. The flake has gotta go...

A Juggling Octopus

This is one of those days where I feel there is way too much to do and too little time to do it in. Days like this I feel like a juggling octopus. I have too many balls in the air and it's just a matter of time before one of them drops and breaks. I've barely slept in three days and my nerves are beginning to fray. I even did some nyquil shots before bed but that didn't help. I wish there was a switch to flip off my brain at night. When I lay down, it's usually the first quiet and alone time I have had all day and so brain usually goes into crazy over-drive mode. Next thing I know, it's three in morning and I'm staring blankly at a dark wall and wishing I could just shut my eyes and fall asleep.

I'm totally crabby at Q today, although he doesn't really deserve it. He kept trying to text me last night while I was at the gym. Maybe I'm just lacking talent but I have a hard time clipping along on the treadmill and texting at the same time. And who keeps texting you when they know you're trying to workout anyway? As soon as I get home I text him to see what he's up to. He doesn't respond. Half an hour later I text him that he can ride with Sap this weekend if he wants. Nothing. I decide he either fell asleep or he's fucking another girl. Probably that psycho ex Gina. I try calling him twice before I go to bed but he doesn't answer. Now I'm convinced he's totally fucking that girl. Do I think this because he has given me any reason to believe it or doubt his feelings for me? Absolutely not. I think it because in my head it would be so much easier if he was and then I wouldn't feel so bad about debating my adultery with MNS.

Q texts me good morning and I don't return the sentiment. Like a paranoid and jealous freak I ask him "where were you last night?" He responds that he was at home. "Well, I sent you two texts and tried to call you twice but you apparently didn't want to talk to me." He says that he fell asleep watching tv and didn't wake up until midnight. He didn't want to call me that late because he knew I would be sleeping. He says he's really sad he missed my call because hearing my voice makes his day. Sure it does.

While I was making dinner last night MNS emailed me. We hadn't made official plans by any means but he wrote to let me know he wouldn't be able to come over last night. Ok, wasn't planning on it anyway but I appreciated (and am again shocked) by his communicating instead of just disappearing. How's that for a double standard? I'm impressed and appreciative of MNS letting me know he's bailing on me. Q takes too long to answer a text and I want to rip his head off, whereas MNS disappeared for an entire month and it was just another day in the life. It's sick and it's wrong and its' completely unfair of me to do to Q. So how do I stop it?

Both of them are texting me this morning when I get to work. Neither MNS or I can make tonight work because we have our standard Tuesday plans. He says he would like to meet tomorrow night. I tell him that would be good because I'll be busy this weekend. Luckily, he doesn't ask what I'm doing. Probably because he doesn't care. But I'm glad because it might be weird to tell him my boyfriend is coming to town to see me.

I have my trainer tonight at the gym. My muscles hurt already just thinking about it. Desperately need to do laundry too. Blech. I hate doing laundry but the only option to avoid doing laundry is to buy more clothes and I hate shopping even more than laundry so we will just continue to wash the grungees.

Premeditated Crimes Of The Heart

SUNDAY
I'm in quite a pickle today. Q sends me a lot of texts that are sweet and gushy. This is only adding to my guilt. Technically I have nothing to feel guilty about...yet...or possibly at all. I haven't committed any crimes with Mr. No Show but the thought is in my head and that feels just as bad. I know if I see him tomorrow and he's half of what I made him out to be in my head something will happen between us. This isn't man-slaughter adultery. Oops, sorry honey, it just happened. This would be premeditated adultery. I planned this out, I thought about it, I knew my consequences and I let it happen anyway. I talk to both Yommey and Fair about. I need guidance. Both agree that I have to meet MNS, if only for some closure to this sick emotional bondage he has me in. But I know if I meet him, there will be more. I will sleep with him. Why? Because I have to know what it's like. There has to be a prize for my patience all this time. I must be rewarded and fulfill my curiosity. I am a no stone left unturned kind of girl sometimes when I set my mind to something.

As I lay down to go to sleep my phone starts blowing up. Q then MNS, Q then MNS. I tell Q I'm going to bed. Yes, I know that is shitty but that's what I did. MNS and I are planning out our meeting for tomorrow morning. I didn't expect to hear from him tonight. I figured he wouldn't call or show up tomorrow and I'd get an email in a day or a week apologizing because something came up. Instead, he is sending me texts about how he cannot wait for tomorrow and he's so excited and doesn't think he will sleep tonight. This is out of the ordinary. It freaks me out a little more. Am I seriously setting myself up for this? What the hell would I tell Q? How could I even think of hurting him like this? He doesn't deserve it. What do I deserve? I don't know. I think I deserve to be happy but I'm not sure if any one man will ever be able to do that for me again. Grrrr.

I tell myself perhaps MNS and I can get together and talk and then I will make a decision on Q and communicate that decision to him before I make out with MNS, if that is the direction I want to take it. The minute I have that thought and convince myself it just might work and then I wouldn't be a total cheating bitch, MNS's texts go from giddy and flirty anticipation to nearly erotic, detailing all the things he wants to do to me and how long he's been waiting to do them. Ok, scratch that plan.

I convince myself that I'm just torturing myself for no reason. MNS has that name because he earned it. He won't show up tomorrow, or ever so there is no need in my losing sleep over this because it's never going to happen. The problem is, I obviously don't feel the same about Q as he does about me if I'm even considering meeting MNS. I know this but I'm not sure what to do about it. Is it really my fault that Q felt an instantaneous connection with me and I'm trying to be more cautious?

MONDAY
I am awoken by my phone vibrating on the nightstand at 5:37 AM. What the flying crabcakes? I hear the computer generated lady voice tell me there is a message from him. Odd, generally when he decides to blow me off he just blows me off. No call, no text, no email and he disappears for awhile, hoping I will forget he did it by the next time we talk. I pull up the message.

MNS: my work just called. they want me to come in early so i won't make it this morning but I WANT US TO GET TOGETHER ASAP. don't be sad boo. i will be with you and kissing you all over VERY soon.

me: that sucks. i was all ready. what time do you have to go in?

MNS: 7:30. trust me, i know. it's all i've been thinking about. believe me. i would meet you at lunch or anytime you could. what do you think? i want to come over right now and be with you. how long do you have for lunch?

I tell him I have an hour but lunch won't work. What are we going to do? Hang out in one of our cars and makeout like highschoolers? That's so 1993 for me.

MNS: We will have to figure something out because i am going crazy. i was really looking forward to seeing you this morning. sometimes i hate my job.

me: i've always hated your job. I just don't know if the lunch thing works for me.

MSN: i know, babe. it would just make things more unbearable but i don't know if i can wait for tonight. it's killing me. hop online so we can chat.

We talk online for an hour and neither of us can come up with an acceptable plan to rendezvous at lunch so will just have to play the next potential meeting by ear. I wonder, in part, if this is a sign as well. It didn't work. Should I just let it go and save everyone a lot of heartache? Then again, I'm so close I can almost touch it. Literally. It's like Indiana Jones and the last crusade. I've been hunting the treasure of MNS for so long and it finally seems like it is really in my grasp. How do I just walk away and never know? My morals and willpower are waning.

MNS has to get off line after awhile and says he will be back as soon as he can. I know it won't be soon enough. Q sends me a text "just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and missing you baby. xoxo". I write him back that I'm thinking about him too. It's not a total lie. He doesn't have to know I'm thinking about how I'm contemplating breaking his heart.

My Cupid Must Be On Crack

FRIDAY
I have decided my cupid must be on crack and overdosed on the shooting arrows thing. Why else would multiple men be sending me so many Valentine wishes? Where did I leave off Friday? Oh yes, Q, Mason, Kong and Mob all contacting me and sending holiday wishes. Q and I talk all day via text like usual. Mob decides to really start laying it on thick through numerous messages about how much he loves me and misses me and can't think about being with anyone but me.

About 2 pm I my phone goes off that I have a text. I figure it is Q or Mob. It is not. It's Mr. No Show. I freak out a little bit. Not so much because he contacted me, but because it's never a good omen. I have not heard a peep for over a month. To be exact, I haven't heard from him since the morning I started talking to Q. Once I met Q and we hit it off, Mr. No Show disappeared and it was fine. And now he's back. Are Q and I doomed? I can't help but wonder the entire afternoon if this is a really bad sign. I've been down this road before. Whenever I'm in a relationship and MNS pops up, things fall apart, and quickly. Yommey tells me to keep my wits about me and it's not going to be mine and Q's demise unless I let it. Fair tells me I should be nervous because it's a bad sign. MNS and I text for a few hours. It's nice to talk to him again but I wonder what he's up to. What made him decide to contact me today? Is he just lonely and the holidays are approaching? That doesn't seem to be it. He doesn't reach out for a last minute Valentine. He's actually leaving town for the weekend to go see some family. He does however ask me if he can see me Monday. I tell him yes. I figure we're just playing our normal sure, let's meet and it will be great but never happens game.

Q is unable to come up because of the snow storm we get Friday afternoon. Which, by the way, took me and Peaches 2 1/2 hours to get home in. WTF, Bobaloo? Ugh. I was exhausted and crabby by the time I got home. Q says he will catch the next bus here on Saturday. We text most the night and he's really upset about the snow but he's not going to let it ruin our first Valentines Day together. Well, maybe you're not, but other people might have other plans, honey.

Both Q and MNS are texting me before bed and wishing me sweet dreams and that they were there with me. I feel kind of guilty talking to MNS...and I should. I have a boyfriend who is sweet and loving and goo-goo-ga-ga over me. MNS has had enough chances. I have a glass of wine and hit the pillow. I need to sleep on all of this before I do anything.

SATURDAY
Mob and Q both start texting me bright and early, wanting to wish me a happy V-day. It's sweet. I head to the store to find a present or card for Q. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pick out a card for a new boyfriend? It's close to fucking impossible. There are a ton of husband and wife ones and then another shit-ton of I love you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Neither of those are appropriate for Q and I. The other side of the spectrum is basically thank you for fucking me whenever I call you drunk cards and we should get naked together again soon. Is there no happy medium here? Can I please get a card that says, "hey, I like you and think you're swell and this is fun and I look forward to seeing where it goes as long as you promise not to suffocate me and we are not sabotaged by my imaginary fake boyfriend of a year and a half?" Hallmark needs to get to work on that line for me! After 20 minutes of deliberation and two calls to my sister I finally pick one out that is more on the let's get naked spectrum than lovey dovey crap.

2 PM
Q texts me in a tizzy. He's watching his nephew and his brother isn't back yet and his bus leaves in 25 minutes. He says he will be on the 8 pm. I tell him not to bother. This pisses him off. I tell him it's not that I don't want to see him because I really do but it's not worth the money for him to come for less than 24 hours with me. He whines a bit but deep down he knows I'm right. I tell him I'm going to go on the Pub Crawl (my original plan before Q came into my life) and I will miss him and text him while I'm out 'n about and we will make sure next weekend is super fun to make up for missing this one together. It calms him a little bit but I can tell he is still super disappointed and pissed at his brother. I am too. I'm scared that we are doomed now and this is our curse because of stupid MNS popping back up. I realize how off the wall and ridiculous this might seem to the normal person but anyone who knows the tale of MNS knows that it's not just a myth. Guardian dating angel or just a pain in my ass is not the issue. The point is, he's back for some reason and I need to figure out why.

I call Peaches and tell her to get ready because we're going on "The Pub Crawl of Love". Like a good little apprentice she is more than willing to come along. Being on the pub crawl was fun and we had a really good time. Yommey texts me and asks if I've got my eye on one. I remind her I have a boyfriend and not in the market. Plus, there are none to have my eye on. It's a lot of Vanilla-frat-boy types. Nothing that peaks my interest whatsoever. Although my apprentice does quite well for herself. She's getting numbers and guys drooling over her right and left. I'm not sure she needs my help for anything!

It's weird being on a pub crawl for V-day when you have a boyfriend. Everyone else is looking for love, or at least love for the night, and I'm just hanging out and drinking. As I continued drinking my evil-alter ego Lucy popped out and started counting all the men on the pub crawl that I couldn't have. Again, not that I wanted any of them, but Lucy just flips the script on me all the time. She's such a fucking pessimist. So here I sit, scanning the bar full of morons that I can't have and it starts to piss me off. Shouldn't I get a freebie weekend since my boyfriend failed to show up for our first V-Day together? I go hypothetical and see if I can find one I would want if I indeed did have a freebie. There's none. *sigh* Oh well. Mob and Q both continue to text me until the wee hours of the morning saying how they wish they were with me and blah blah blah.

Oh, and one little sidenote event went down at one of the bars that was kind of amusing. Granted, it was all Lucy again. She's so evil. I'm standing at the bar by my cuzin and I notice a girl next to me. You can't help but notice her, she had an abnormally large head/face. OMG! It's huge headed basketball girl! Vanilla's latest ex-girlfriend. (Apparently he broke up with her three days before V-Day. Oh yeah, he's oozzzzing with class and charm). Anyway, her big bubble eyes are honing in on me and I can feel it burning a hole in my head. I turn and make eye contact. She is mean mugging me like a motha. I bust out laughing when I make the correlation. She whispers to a few of her friends and then they all turn and glare at me. Lucy finds this a tad bit amusing. She looks at her and says "Yeah, and you can just fuck off!" And then I walk away as her jaw hits the floor. Bitch, you don't know me and contrary to what she might believe, I have nothing to do with her newly single status. When I get home I go all facebook stalker. I look at Vanilla's profile and realize that all my pictures are gone. Last week there were four of her and over a dozen of me. Tonight there is zero. Huh. Would you look at that. Oh well.

The New Project

Apprentice (n): A person who agrees to work for a specified time in order to learn a trade, craft, or profession in which the employer, traditionally called the master, assents to instruct him or her.

It's hard to be a player when you go and get a boyfriend. It really puts a damper on the "research projects", as I like to call them. I feel like it would be a waste not to continue to share my knowledge and wisdom though, so I have come up with a great idea. I took on an apprentice. I am going to teach her the skills of my trade. She is coming out of a similar situation as mine with Von. While her and her husband, and father of her four sons were "reconciling", he knocked up a 23 year old white trash ho. I feel her pain to a degree. I wasn't with Von for 14 years but I can begin to comprehend the betrayal and shock she is feeling. My apprentice, whom we shall call Peaches, is now trying to enter the dating world after a long abscence and needs a little guidance. This shall be a wicked fun adventure. Hopefully my past experiences can save her a little trouble as she puts herself out there and starts to play.

It's not going to be all fun and games though. She's a giver type, like I used to be, thinking if she does what people ask they will accept and love her and stay happy. This is what I need to crack on that little vixen. I have to make sure she realizes this little adventure we're about to embark on is about her. Sounds selfish but it's not. She has to find herself and her new single identity or she will get eaten alive. I know this from experience. Once she stops trying to please everyone around her, she will find that she has a lot more peace in her world...not to mention, a lot more control.

Happy VD

It's Friday the 13th and Valentine's Day Eve. What a great combo. I'm not really sure what this valentines day will bring me. I'm trying to recall the last really great VD I had. Wow, sadly I think it was 2005. It was mine and Von's first one together. He bought me a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet, a purse and a ton of stuff from bath and body works. We spent the day in bed, only getting up to eat and go smoke. He gave me a card in which he had listed all the reasons and little things he loved about me and told me I was his angel and I had saved his life. It was the first day we talked about getting married and having a future together. It was a great day. Wow. The last great VD I can remember was 4 years ago? That's just sad. I don't even remember last year. I know it couldn't have been as bad as 2007. Weird that I don't recall it though. I know Dick and I had just broken up. I'm sure I was pining over Mr. No Show. Guessing me and Yommey went out and got drunk and raised some hell. That's my best guess.

Tonight Q is coming. I haven't gotten him anything. Don't know what to get him. I mean, of course I'll go grab a card. He says he doesn't want anything but me. He asks me what I want and I say nothing. Of course, if he doesn't get me anything I will be secretely disappointed. It doesn't have to be big or expensive but he needs to think of something from the heart. I can't get mad, per say, since I told him I didn't want anything but all men should know by now that's a total lie. I'm going to make him a romantic dinner tomorrow night and give him a couple presents in bed. Perhaps I'll come up with something else cool before then too.

Mason text me last night. He wanted to know how my week was going. He asked if I got the valentine he sent me yet. I say the postman must've stolen it. He calls the postman a scoundrel and a bastard. He says he's just going to drink the weekend away like it's any other day. I don't tell him the boy is coming. He doesn't ask what I'm doing so I figure I don't need to share.

Kong began texting me this morning too. I haven't heard from him in a few weeks. He says his cousin died and he'll be spending VD at his funeral. I tell him I'm sorry and to let me know if he needs anything.

A text from Mob too. I ask him how he is. He writes that he's ok but wishes he could be with me and then he'd be even better. He tells me he loves me and to be good this weekend. He has no idea I have Q. In his head I will be sitting around and thinking about him.

I wonder if I'll hear from any other boys this weekend...not that I need to or hope to. Just curious to see who's thinking of me and who's not.

I Forgot To Tell You

I can't believe I forgot to blog about this little event last week! I got wrapped up in the weekend and it doesn't directly affect me so you know how my mind can slip. I'm a selfish bitch like that. Anyway, I got a call from Ronnie Friday morning while at work. This is weird only because Ronnie and I usually talk on weekends and when I get a call during the day when he knows I'm at work, I get worried something is wrong. And actually, that's how I answered his call. "Hey, what's wrong?" He laughs at me. "Why do you think something is wrong?" I point out the date and time. He says, "Nothing is wrong but I have some news." Okay...

I wait for it. He says he's having a baby in July. I almost choke. Well, he's not having a baby but he's going to be a dad. I ask with who and he laughs and says nobody that I know. I ask if it's a good thing and he gives me a sort of weird "yeah". I ask a million more questions and he says that he and the mom are not really together but that it's not totally ruled out either. I think I say "wow" about 100 times in the 7 minutes we're on the phone. He laughs at me a lot while I take it all in, then says, "I just wanted to let you know." I tell him thank you and that I will call him later.

I go outside and get some fresh air. I'm not at all sure why this freaks me out. I think I'm just totally surprised. Ronnie is always very careful in that department, if you know what I mean. I text him and tell him that I'm sorry if I sounded surprised and congratulations. I'm not even sure if I said that on the phone. How terrible of a friend am I? I tell him I know he will be an absolutely incredible dad. He will be. I've always known this. It's one of the things about him that I so quickly fell in love with when we were together. I smile as I think about Ronnie being a dad. That kid is blessed and lucky. Hooray for Ronnie.

Because I'm Not Ready, That's Why!!

I shouldn't have to explain myself but I'm going to try. Q really wants to move here to be closer to me. I have no problem with him being closer to me. I really like spending time with him. I do, however, have a problem with him moving in with me. See, this is not closer to me...this is straight up my ass and I'm not ready for that. Here's where I get greedy, I guess.

I've been alone for awhile now. Well, not alone, but without a live-in love interest, and I've gotten used to it. I enjoy it. I like my arrangement with Q right now. I can do what I want, when and with whom I please during the week and not feel like I have to entertain or explain myself to anyone. I love living with Yommey and Mini and I don't want that to end. If he moves up here, I hope he understands that he's moving in with two women and a mini. Guys come and go, my little yommey family is forever.

I love when he comes for the weekend but I can also feel, by about Sunday morning, my brain start constricting and convulsing and begging for a little breathing room. I want to be able to pee with my bathroom door open. I want to be able to burp outloud if the feeling occurs. I want to just have my hair in a ponytail and no make-up on Sunday when I lay around the house. I want to be able to run errands or go to the gym and not have to worry about a schedule or if he's at home bored and waiting on me. Is that so wrong?

Plus, he's not from here and he won't have any friends here. That sucks. He will know who I know until he meets his own peeps. I don't see that happening very quickly because he's so shy. So it's not like I can tell him to go play ball with the guys so that I can do my girl thing. Not that he would mind just hanging out while I do what I do, but I want him to have his own life too because, to be completely honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to change many parts of mine to squeeze him in. I know that is terrible. I know it so stop yelling at me! I'm old and I'm stubborn and I'm set in my ways.

Of course part of me would love to have him here but I'm just not sure it would be fair of me yet, for him or myself. I think I need a little time to process the reprocussions of his relocation before I can make a educated decision on this.

Things Your Boyfriend Should Not Hear You Do In The Bathroom

WEDNESDAY
I'm sitting in a meeting with my boss and team and my phone starts blowing up. I glance at it and it says "PRIVATE". I don't answer private numbers. If they want something, they can leave a message. They call again and again and yet again! Finally my boss gives me that look and I get up from the group to take my phone off vibrate. It rings from a private number again so I answer. It's Q's crazy ex. I say hello and she starts screaming and swearing at me like a mad woman. Are you for real? "Don't you EVER call this phone again you crazy bitch. I have nothing to say to you." I hang up. This doesn't stop her. By the time I leave for lunch I have 15 missed calls and she has posted on her myspace about me. I go off on Q via text on how she got my number and if he ever wants to see me again, that he better check her and fast.

When I get out of the gym Wednesday night I have a few missed texts from Q and two missed calls from her again. The first message calls me out for being scared to answer my phone. Bitch, please. Call me from a number that's not blocked while I'm not at work and I will GLADLY have a conversation with you. Or leave me a return number. Sorry for having a job you trick bitch. The 2nd message she's bawling her head off and saying obviously I have some kind of weird hold on Q as he just threatened her to leave me and him alone. She tells me he will only break my heart and she feels bad for me. She babbles some other crap I can't remember at this point, in between her sobs, and then hangs up with a dramatic sigh.

I call Q when I get home and reiterate that I'm not playing around. If she contacts me again I will cut him loose. He needs to do whatever he has to do to remedy this situation. Apparently, he does. He spends all day Thursday trying to calm me down and make sure I know that I'm the only one he wants to be with, he is not with her, has not been with her for a long time and she is indeed crazy. That's all fine and dandy but you've been warned, dude. I'm completely annoyed that he was trying to be civil with her and told her about me as if they could be friends.

FRIDAY
I leave to go pick up Q. On my way I get a text from Teej asking me how I've been and what I'm doing tonight. I tell him I'm going to pick up the boy. He teases me about having a new man and asks if I will give him a 2nd date or not. I tell him that he's way past a second date and I might keep this one around for awhile. Teej says he will believe it when he sees it. Is it a bad sign when your old fuck buddies make fun of you for going through men quickly? Hmmm...probably not a good thing. Teej reminds me if I ever need his services again that he would be happy to oblige. I tell him I will keep that in mind.

Q and I grab a bite to eat. It's great to see him. I'm still a little crabby at him though for the drama earlier in the week. I let him have it at dinner and remind him that I will not tolerate this kind of bullshit, no matter how I feel about him. He asks how I feel about him. Grrr. I try to plead the 5th. He tells me he really likes me a lot and that he's falling for me. Says he has never felt this way about anyone before in his life. I try to change the subject. He pulls out some pictures he brought with him to show me of his family back in Mississippi. Says he wants to share everything in his life with me. He senses that I'm about to have an anxiety attack and asks what's wrong. I tell him that the crap with his ex really messed me up this week. I want to believe him and trust him and love him with all my might but my past and my mind keep me guarded. He says I have to trust him and let him prove himself to me. I don't know if I can.

We get home and Mason starts texting me. I don't answer. Q takes me to bed and tries to ease my mind of any doubts about him. It's a wonderful effort and makes me feel amazing, as it always does. He tells me I am all he wants and more and he believes in us. We talk late into the night and then I drift off to sleep in his arms.

SATURDAY
Q and I don't rush out of bed by any means. Being with him sometimes makes me feel really greedy. He is all about pleasing me and making me happy. I try to do the same for him but it's the least of his concerns. I don't get it. For every orgasm I have, I think he should have one in return. But it doesn't happen that way. I'm lucky if I get one from him for my three. What's up with that? I will definitely have to work on this.

We head out to the fam's to take care of the babies while Uncle is sick. Saturday night we grill out with Yommey and the mini and hangout watching movies.

Mason continues to text me and send me pictures of his new tattoo. I tell him he's insane. He asks why I won't answer his calls. I tell him my boy is here. He texts me back that I'm insane. How do you figure? Vanilla sends me a couple IM's while I'm online. He says his dating dilemna with the new girl might be solved for him because she might move. Well way to avoid being a man and making a decision so you can still pretend to be the good guy. Duh.

SUNDAY
Q and I hangout. He really wants to move here. I'm not sure I am ready for that yet. I will have to explore those fears in more depth later. I get insanely ill Sunday night and he refuses to leave my side. As I writhe in pain he strokes my hair and asks if I need anything. I make a mad rush to the bathroom and spend the next 5 hours purging myself and begging for mercy. I'm also secretly praying that he will not hear any of the disgusting sounds that are being released from my body. I know this is a futile hope as my bathroom is attached to my bedroom and the walls are not thick.

MONDAY
The next morning I apologize for getting so sick and I hope I didn't keep him up all night or completely disgust him. He hugs me tightly and smiles. "It happens to all of us, babe. I just hope you're feeling better." If I don't die from the flu and dehydration, I might die of embarassment. He leaves at noon. I nap throughout the day. He sends me numerous texts checking on me and seeing if I need anything. He's so sweet. I'm wondering if he's too sweet. I know this sounds ridiculous to say but it's kind of starting to creep me out. Ugh! I am my own worst enemy. I think I need to vomit again and then take a nap.

Rollin' Like A Fat Kid Chasing a Donut Down A Hill

THURSDAY
No word from Mex. I'm not going to contact him. We'll see how long it takes him to call me. Or if he will at all.

Super cute texts with Q. I'm actually really excited for him to come visit on Saturday. I hope it goes well. And I hope I get some! Sure that sounds shallow but a girl has got to get hers. Even if we meet and I don't see much of a future, I can still enjoy the few days he's here, right? It's been since New Years with Vanilla and god knows I could use a fresh doese of flavor up in this place. If it's up to me we will spend all Sunday morning in bet getting acquanted before the Superbowl comes on.

I'm going to the gym tonight to get a membership. It's been so long I'm not sure I will remember what to do. Maybe Q and I will get off to a super sexercise program. That would be stellar! But of course that would only be a weekend workout routine.

I try to avoid Luck at work so I don't staple his face shut. He finds me anyway and kisses my ass to make up for me calling him out on being a jerk the day before. He needs to do a lot more kissing up for me to remain on my good side.

FRIDAY
Q convinces me to let him come down tonight instead of tomorrow. I so hope it goes well. Guess we will see in a few hours. Yikes! Something tells me this could be big. I hope I'm right.

FRIDAY NIGHT
Simply put, this weekend was amazing. It could not have went any better. Q got into town at 7:45. He was very shy and quiet at first. We stopped at Fair's to pick some stuff up before we grabbed a bit to eat. After dinner we went to a bar and played some darts and talked. I hate to admit this but he beat me both games, even though he had never played before. This instantly made me think of Von and I the first night we met. It annoyed and frightened me for a minute. It's not that I'm that much of a poor loser, but a lot of things Q does and says reminds me of Von. The good Von that I instantly fell in love with. It's a little scary because it makes my brain go into heart defense mode. I have to remind myself many times that Q is Q, not Von. And the ways he reminds me of Von are good things that I loved. All I can do is try to be guarded and hope that Q doesn't turn into an asshole too.

We get back to the house around midnight and head to bed. I want him and it's obvious he feels the same. We've hardly been able to keep our hands off of each other all night. We lay down and talk and I can't stop kissing him. It's taking all my might not to rape him. We continue talking and kissing, which leads to exploring. Eventually things get more heated. By the time the actual sex rolls around I am like putty in his hands. He is all about pleasing me and making me smile. Every kiss and caress and move he makes does this. The sex lasts a for a few hours. We are both so worn out we can barely see straight. He pulls me in to cuddle and holds me close. My body trembles. He kisses my forehead and strokes my hair. It was hands down the most sensual experience I can recall in the 18 years I've been having sex. I can't stop smiling and part of me has to fight back tears. I fall asleep in his arms.

SATURDAY
I wake the next morning to Q curled up behind me and lightly kissing my neck and back. It's only been a couple of hours but I turn over, ready to see if last night was for real or just an angelic fluke. It is NOT a fluke. If possible, it was even more amazing. The same thing happens in the afternoon as well.

Q and I have dinner with Yommey and S. After that, we go to Fair's divorce party. Its a good time and she is glowing. We destroy the shirt I made her for her bachelorette party and it is a liberating and joyous ritual. The four of us go to a club. Yommey and I decide that if these boys think they are going to stay around awhile, they better learn the family card games. They not only catch on quickly, but they beat us. So not cool. They bar is fun and Q is opening up with everyone else a lot more.

We return home and it's on like Donkey Kong. Not only is the sex as mind-blowing as previously, but he also pulls out a few new tricks that nearly blow my mind. We spend the next 12 hours yapping away, cuddling, having sex, and occasional naps in between. I feel like a high schooler that can't keep her hands off her first boyfriend. I simply can't get enough of him. I could kiss him for days. What the hell is wrong with me?!

SUNDAY
S decides they need to leave during halftime of the Superbowl. I am so sad to see him go. It's ridiculous. We've been together for three days straight and he will be back next weekend. I give him a plethora of hugs and kisses and tell him to text me when he gets home. He texts me about 20 minutes later just to tell me thank you and that he misses me. He's so frickin' cute! I hate when a guy can make me giddy. It feels like I'm losing control.

We text back and forth most of his drive home. He asks me again when I'm going to be his girlfriend. I tell him whenever we are ready. He writes "how about now?". Haha. I can't get neough of this guy. We talk before I go to sleep. My bed feels kinda lonely without him. His last text puts a smile on my face that is still on my lips when I wake up in the morning.

MONDAY
As has become the norm, super sweet texts with Q all morning. He tells me he can't stop smiling and hopes he can make me smile everyday. I try to play it cool so he doesn't know that I haven't stopped smiling since the moment I looked at him.

After work I go welcome my new nephew into the world. If he was any cuter it would be illegal. I kind of want to steal him but I'm pretty sure they would find me. I just held him and smiled and wished I had one of my own. I wonder for a second, if Q and I had a baby together, what it would look like. Holy crap, check me for a fever. I think I'm losing my fuckin' mind.

I go to the gym after I get home and kick my own ass all over the place. It's hard to describe how out of shape I have gotten in the last year. Wow. I ran for a few minutes on the treadmill. Not a big deal to your average person but when you have boobs like mine flopping about and you're pulling as much weight as I've put on, it feels like a major, major accomplishment. I'm pretty sure all muscles I have will be sore tomorrow.

TUESDAY
My arms and abs are like Jell-O under a hot Phoenix sun. Totally useless to me this morning.

Texts with Q bright and early. We chit chat and sweet talk as usual. I can't wait for Friday so I can see him again. If things go as well as last weekend did I might be toast. I am really liking him. Usually the boyfriend thing would freak me out and make me sabotage but it hasn't. I can't really find anything to complain about with him. He's kind of shy at first but there are worse things in the world he could be.

He asks me today when I'm going to marry him. I almost fall off of my chair laughing. This from the guy with committment issues? I tell him when he figures out he can't live without me I will marry him. He says he's already figured that out. Says he's had two relationships that lasted longer than four years and he knew they weren't right. He says he knew the minute he kisse dme that this was it. I tell him I've only been his girlfriend for two days and we probably shouldn't pick out china patterns yet. Q says he is ready and will wait until I am too.

I've been proposed to numerous times but never via text! I ask him where my ring and romantic proposal are. He says I will get both. I joke that luckily I have a gorgeous wedding dress that's never been work, courtesy of Von, that I should have sold two years ago. Q says it's because I knew he was coming that I didn't get rid of it. I tell him I dreamed that someone would come. He says my dream just came true.

I text Yommey to reality check my sorry ass. She says "well at least you could wear your dress." Really? Can I get a "your outta your mind two even dare to envision a future with a guy you've only known a few weeks!!". Nope. I guess not. Odd. Very odd. She tells me to enjoy myself and just roll with it. I tell her I am rolling with it. I'm rollin' like a fat kid chasing a donut down a hill. And it's kind of fun.

Q continues to make remarks about it all day long. I tell him I can't marry him because his last name is the same as a villian on one of my favorite TV shows and I can't have that last name. He thinks I'm funny. It's easy to want to marry me after a few days. We all know this is my curse. Remember, I'm easy to fall in love with. Kind of like a puppy. You see the puppy and it looks up at you with it's gorgeous eyes and it's playful, cuddly, loveable and just steals your heart. Then you get the puppy home and it pees on the floor and barks at all hours of the night and rips the shit out of everything you own if it doesn't get enough attention. I imagine this is what life can be like with me sometimes. Once they realize this puppy is a stubborn little bitch with a mind of her own, well, then I'm on my own. Nobody sticks around to see how loyal I am and that I will be your best friend for the next 30 years. And I can't really blame them for splitting. I will rip shit up if provoked...or bored...or neglected. I'm a very naughty little puppy.

TUESDAY NIGHT
Get a text from BigBoi. Huh? I haven't heard from you in over a month. I don't respond. He calls and I answer to see what he wants. He asks me to go watch a game with him and get a drink. I tell him I'm busy and taking 30 some odd days to return a call isn't working for me. He says he's been busy. I make it clear to him that I have been too and I don't have time for him now. He tells me to call him later if I change my mind. I erase his number from my phone.

Vanilla IM's me out of nowhere. This is wayyyy to entertaining, not to share. I know it's because he has seen my new status on facebook and the pictures of Q and I. He's fishing and I'm not biting...at first. I ask how his life is and he says it's weird and asks what is new with me. I say the new job blows, the gym is kicking my ass but the new guy is amazing. He instantly jumps on it. "A new guy, huh? I knew it wouldn't take you long to find someone." He then proceeds to tell me how he met someone (duh) but that he really loved the single life and he's torn. He hates going home to an empty house and likes having someone there with him. I go off on him that he's not ready to be in a relationship and he isn't being fair to himself or her. I tell him he can't be with someone just to be with someone. That is ridiculous and selfish. He doesn't really like what I have to say. Go figure. He brings it back around to my new boy. I know what he's thinking. He wants me to say that if he was single we could mess around again and then he could have the best of both worlds. That's not going to happen. Even if I didn't have Q right now, I wouldn't go there again with Vanilla. He had way too many chances and he doesn't deserve any more. When he figures out that I might actually be happy and would never consider him as an option again, he brings up the fact that my friends and I call him Vanilla. This turns into a little tantrum on his part. I try to be rational and explain it to him as an adult but he's just being a sensitive little bitch about it. He reiterates again, as if I don't already know, that it really hurt his feelings. I tell him I'm sorry and it wasn't a slight on him. He says ok with a sad face. I say, "I'm not sure what else to tell you. It is what it is." With that, he signs off. I'm sorry, Vanilla. I know most people don't tell you the truth when you don't want to hear it but that's me and that's just how I roll. You know, like a fat kid chasing a donut down a hill. Roll on, Player, roll on.