Premeditated Crimes Of The Heart

SUNDAY
I'm in quite a pickle today. Q sends me a lot of texts that are sweet and gushy. This is only adding to my guilt. Technically I have nothing to feel guilty about...yet...or possibly at all. I haven't committed any crimes with Mr. No Show but the thought is in my head and that feels just as bad. I know if I see him tomorrow and he's half of what I made him out to be in my head something will happen between us. This isn't man-slaughter adultery. Oops, sorry honey, it just happened. This would be premeditated adultery. I planned this out, I thought about it, I knew my consequences and I let it happen anyway. I talk to both Yommey and Fair about. I need guidance. Both agree that I have to meet MNS, if only for some closure to this sick emotional bondage he has me in. But I know if I meet him, there will be more. I will sleep with him. Why? Because I have to know what it's like. There has to be a prize for my patience all this time. I must be rewarded and fulfill my curiosity. I am a no stone left unturned kind of girl sometimes when I set my mind to something.

As I lay down to go to sleep my phone starts blowing up. Q then MNS, Q then MNS. I tell Q I'm going to bed. Yes, I know that is shitty but that's what I did. MNS and I are planning out our meeting for tomorrow morning. I didn't expect to hear from him tonight. I figured he wouldn't call or show up tomorrow and I'd get an email in a day or a week apologizing because something came up. Instead, he is sending me texts about how he cannot wait for tomorrow and he's so excited and doesn't think he will sleep tonight. This is out of the ordinary. It freaks me out a little more. Am I seriously setting myself up for this? What the hell would I tell Q? How could I even think of hurting him like this? He doesn't deserve it. What do I deserve? I don't know. I think I deserve to be happy but I'm not sure if any one man will ever be able to do that for me again. Grrrr.

I tell myself perhaps MNS and I can get together and talk and then I will make a decision on Q and communicate that decision to him before I make out with MNS, if that is the direction I want to take it. The minute I have that thought and convince myself it just might work and then I wouldn't be a total cheating bitch, MNS's texts go from giddy and flirty anticipation to nearly erotic, detailing all the things he wants to do to me and how long he's been waiting to do them. Ok, scratch that plan.

I convince myself that I'm just torturing myself for no reason. MNS has that name because he earned it. He won't show up tomorrow, or ever so there is no need in my losing sleep over this because it's never going to happen. The problem is, I obviously don't feel the same about Q as he does about me if I'm even considering meeting MNS. I know this but I'm not sure what to do about it. Is it really my fault that Q felt an instantaneous connection with me and I'm trying to be more cautious?

MONDAY
I am awoken by my phone vibrating on the nightstand at 5:37 AM. What the flying crabcakes? I hear the computer generated lady voice tell me there is a message from him. Odd, generally when he decides to blow me off he just blows me off. No call, no text, no email and he disappears for awhile, hoping I will forget he did it by the next time we talk. I pull up the message.

MNS: my work just called. they want me to come in early so i won't make it this morning but I WANT US TO GET TOGETHER ASAP. don't be sad boo. i will be with you and kissing you all over VERY soon.

me: that sucks. i was all ready. what time do you have to go in?

MNS: 7:30. trust me, i know. it's all i've been thinking about. believe me. i would meet you at lunch or anytime you could. what do you think? i want to come over right now and be with you. how long do you have for lunch?

I tell him I have an hour but lunch won't work. What are we going to do? Hang out in one of our cars and makeout like highschoolers? That's so 1993 for me.

MNS: We will have to figure something out because i am going crazy. i was really looking forward to seeing you this morning. sometimes i hate my job.

me: i've always hated your job. I just don't know if the lunch thing works for me.

MSN: i know, babe. it would just make things more unbearable but i don't know if i can wait for tonight. it's killing me. hop online so we can chat.

We talk online for an hour and neither of us can come up with an acceptable plan to rendezvous at lunch so will just have to play the next potential meeting by ear. I wonder, in part, if this is a sign as well. It didn't work. Should I just let it go and save everyone a lot of heartache? Then again, I'm so close I can almost touch it. Literally. It's like Indiana Jones and the last crusade. I've been hunting the treasure of MNS for so long and it finally seems like it is really in my grasp. How do I just walk away and never know? My morals and willpower are waning.

MNS has to get off line after awhile and says he will be back as soon as he can. I know it won't be soon enough. Q sends me a text "just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and missing you baby. xoxo". I write him back that I'm thinking about him too. It's not a total lie. He doesn't have to know I'm thinking about how I'm contemplating breaking his heart.