Call Me Shallow But There Are Rules

I head to my date with the super hot record producer. His picture was enough to make me nervous when picking out my outfit. I was actually excited to meet him. We gave great phone and we never ran out of conversation. I knew he wasn’t gay because we flirted with the topic of sex already. (Which, FYI, seems to be a favorite topic among internet daters).

I get to the restaurant and check in with the maitre de. He directs me to the table where my date awaits. He is just as hot as his picture. Thick shoulders, great smile. My heart nearly skips a beat. I approach the table and my date stands and my heart sinks. I had dressed up and wore my heels but even if I flung the over priced Jimmy Choo's into the fish tank, I still had a good three inches on him. Now, this may not sound like the worst thing to some people but I was devastated.

There are three things I can’t get over when choosing a potential mate:

1. Body hair. This must be maintained, groomed and kept to a minimum…not only in visible areas such as head, face, ears, nose and knuckles but “visit-able” areas as well including chest, back and the love below.

2. Height. Must not make me feel like Joan of the Jungle. I like them taller and I can even deal with eye to eye but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating one of Santa’s helpers. Sorry short guys.

3. Snockers. Guys that hock lugies, sniff continuously or what I like to call “snock”(you know that deep sound that resembles a snore except you can actually hear the snot being sucked down the back of their throat). This makes me gag. It gives me the heebies. I once went on a date with a chronic snocker and I actually ended up throwing up at dinner. After the first forty times he snocked I could not take another bite of my egg drop soup. I would walk out on LL Cool J or Brad Pitt if they snocked during our date. Point taken? Thank you.