In The Stars

Sitting at work, bored out of my mind. I read my horoscope and it says DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. LIVE A LITTLE. MAKE A NEW FRIEND, WEED OUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE BRINGING YOU DOWN.

Sylvia thinks the man I sent her is a god. She’s planning out children’s names and looking at swatches of fabric for bridesmaid’s dresses. The more she tells me about him the more he does sound perfect. Vagina Jane thinks I purposely lose the good ones and that I am a “dumbass magnet”. At this point, I’m starting to wonder if she’s right. Am I purposely trying to punish myself for wrongs committed in my past? Do I really have something against being happy like Sylvia says? Define “destructive and addictive personality” and be specific…

8 PM
Kissing in the boys room

The doorbell rings as I am getting ready to go out. I assume it is my friend and co-party girl Vagina Jane just a tad early. I sprint down the stairs in my jeans and bra and throw the door open. “What’s up bitch?!” But Vagina Jane is NOT standing at my door. Instead it is a tall, dark and very hot man holding a clipboard and a package. I freeze. He stares. We both laugh as I grab a blanket off the couch and wrap it around my chest. I apologize and explain I was expecting a friend, not a hot delivery guy. He says it’s the best delivery he’s had all night. Not often does he get to deliver to beautiful women. I blush. What the hell am I doing? Flirting with a strange delivery man who just saw me in my bra? And then I remember the horoscope and grow balls the size of watermelons. “Well, it’s too bad you’re working tonight. My friends and I are going out.” Delivery Guy (DG) smiles a very sexy smile and my pulse is racing. He asks for my number and I give it to him. He leaves and I fall on the ground laughing. My roommate asks what the hell just happened and all I can do is laugh until Vagina Jane gets there and I recount the story.

10 PM

Vagina Jane and I make it to the bar. We surround ourselves with drinks and join Preach and FB at the dartboard. FB is hot. We’ve noticed each other plenty of times before. Always flirty but I was never accessible because of MOB. And it seemed like every time FB and I were really hitting it off MOB showed up. This would happen again tonight. MOB walked in and did his usual strut around the bar. We pretended we didn’t see each other for a little while. Then, like he had just seen me yesterday and we were forever in love, he shoots up to my side with a hug and an “I love you, boo. How have you been?” I stare at him in complete disbelief. FB is watching. This makes me uncomfortable although I don’t know why. MOB and I make our way outside to chat. While he explains how he’s sorry he didn’t call and how he wishes he had more time to devote to me I realize two things. 1-We are standing next to his car. 2-There is not a single scratch, dent or blemish on it. This car is far from totaled. Beat me with a stick-I am such an idiot!

1:30 AM

MOB is gone with a female “childhood friend” he had to give a ride. Vagina Jane and I are wasted. Oddly, I’m still having a great time. We play darts with FB and Preach. FB and I are winning. We hug or touch after every passing off the darts. It’s fun. It’s flirty. It’s distracting me from the group of MOB’s friends who are watching from across the bar. FB walks into the men’s restroom (approximately two feet away). Vagina Jane makes some comment about how I should be with FB instead of MOB. I, along with the Captain Morgan that has diluted my brain and pulses through my veins, consider this for a moment. Add in a little shot of the horoscope and next thing you know, I walk into the men’s bathroom where I find FB washing his hands. He’s obviously surprised to see me. “What are you doing in here?” He asks with a smile. “This.” And I kiss him. We are interrupted by a flashing light and the evil cackle of Vagina Jane. I swear that bitch should be paparazzi. Although I’m not famous, that camera catches me at the most absurd times. But I’m really too drunk to care. I prance out of the bathroom with a grin. I wink at Preach who just shakes his head. Sure, I’ll probably feel bad about this tomorrow. If I remember…