The Most Dangerous Four Letter Word...FRIENDS

It’s nearly midnight when MOB shows up. We had agreed to talk and swap belongings back to their rightful owners. Things fall apart quickly. I jump right to the point and ask about her. He actually has the audacity to laugh. “Is that what this is about? You’re mad because you think I’m with her?!” His laughter fuels my anger and it’s easier to fight back my tears now. He’s given me no reason but to believe the rumors I’ve heard and what I’ve seen. I begin to tell him that it’s more than that and I deserve better but he blows a gasket before I can finish. He’s not with her. Everyone knows he’s not with her and I’m listening to people who don’t know what they’re talking about. He can’t believe I don’t trust him. I point out a couple examples of times he’s lied to me. This doesn’t help. MOB says that maybe I’d be better off if he wasn’t in my life anymore and that it would be easier for me. He begins to storm away and suddenly I can’t hold the tears any more. “Stop!” I begin to cry as he turns around and looks at me. “What do you want?” I ask him. He comes back. “I want what will make you happy.” That’s a copout. What would he have if he had a choice? He says he can’t imagine not having me in his life. He’s not prepared to even entertain the thought but he can’t be the guy I need him to be. And that leaves us where?

I hear the words but I can’t believe their coming out of my mouth. I explain that even though I love him more than anything in the world that maybe we’d be better off as friends. We both stop. Neither one of us can handle the word. We think of what it would mean, how it would apply to us. I cry harder. He holds me. “I wanna start over.” I look up at him and he continues. “Maybe we went to fast last time. What if we start with a clean slate? We’ll be friends and take things slow and see where it goes.” Although I don’t know how one just erases the fact that they’re already in love and have given almost a year of their lives to each other, it sounds much better than the alternative. I know I can’t quit MOB cold turkey tonight, no matter how good my threats sounded.

And suddenly, we’re fine. We’re our old selves. We’re happy and laughing and relaxed again. And we’re looking at each other like the very first night we realized we were in love. We reminisce about the good times we’ve shared. Almost surprised by how many there were. Lately, they had seemed so few and far between we had almost forgotten that we had them at all. “I can’t believe we’ve only known each other for a year.” We had gone through so much in such a short amount of time, one would’ve thought it had been five years. “I’ve known you longer than a year, boo.” I laugh. “No you haven’t. We met on Halloween last year. I have pictures to prove it.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I’ve known you my whole life. Before I knew you, I knew of you and dreamed of you. And I knew someday I would find you.” Whoa. I can’t help but kiss him, like an old friend, on the lips. This is the guy I fell in love with. This is the guy who’s been MIA for the last few months. Remember that, fool.

4 AM

We’re sitting side-by-side, limbs draped lazily over one another, listening to music and smiling. Occasionally we speak but then we just listen and steal glances at each other. We’re at peace and it’s been a long time. Our song comes on. We share a look. He leans over and kisses me and then pulls away. “Sorry, friends don’t do that. I forgot.” I lean over and kiss him back. “What if we start being friends tomorrow and tonight have some really awesome breakup sex?”

5 AM

We get dressed and walk out to his car. We’re both smiling but more confused than ever. We hug and it lasts a long time. Have we really just agreed to just be friends? How the hell did this happen?! I walk back upstairs and lie down in my freshly tussled bed, my head swirling with questions and replaying pieces of tonight. And I cry until my alarm goes off and tells me to take my ass to work.