A Cyber Turd Is Still A Turd, Even If U Don't See It In Person

Note to self: Baggy jeans make me look short. Purge ever-exploding closet of all baggy jeans.

FB calls. He fell asleep. Can he come over now? No. I tell him maybe I’ll see him out tomorrow night. MOB calls although I don’t know why. We talk for a total of two minutes, exchange no valuable information and then he has to go. Whatever. I hop on line because I’m not yet tired. Within seconds an IM pops up from some random guy who saw my ad.

Him: Hey cutie. How R U 2nite?
Me: Good. U?
Him: Great. I liked your profile.
Me: Thanks. Do u have one I can view?
Him: It’s not up yet. Will be tomorrow.
Me: Cool.
Him: Where do you stay?
Me: Near **&(@ and @%*$#(@).
Him: I’m close to that at !(#%&) and @(*%&#(*
Me: Crazy.
Him: What do you like to do for fun?
Me: Play darts, watch football, party with my friends. You?
Him: I’m into sports and music and giving massages.

Me in my head: Lame!

Him: I’m just looking for a loving woman I can spoil and settle down with.
Me: I like to be spoiled.
Him: What’s your favorite position?

Now, this can go a couple dramatically different directions:
*I can hit ignore without a word and never hear from this guy again.
*I can tell him what a fucknut I think he is and why.
*I can play with him for a little while and amuse myself.

Being the selfish person that I am, I decide to amuse myself.

Me: Honestly?
Him: I won’t tell.
Me: I’m in to threesomes. Me, another girl and a guy. Girl on girl action gets me really hot. I like to use my tongue on everyone in the room.

I can practically hear this guy panting across cyberspace.

Him: Wow!
Me: But I guess that doesn’t answer my favorite position. Lol. Sorry. My favorite position is doggy style. And I love it when he yanks my hair like a cave man. It’s such a turn on.
Him: Sounds like we’re a perfect pair.
Me: Can I call you daddy or big papa pump?
Him: Yeah, baby. You can call me anything you want to.
Me: And will you spank me if I’m naughty?
Him: I’ll spank you like the naughty little vixen you are.
Me: Oooh, daddy. It’s okay that I’m really 16, right?
Him: Yeah! Even better. I like ‘em young. When can we meet?
Me: I was thinking this weekend but I’m so worked up right now I could touch myself.
Him: Let me do it! I wanna be there for you, babe. Let my fingers do the walking.
Me: Can you meet me in thirty minutes?
Him: I’ll be there in 20 you sexy slut!
Me: I’ll grab my girlfriend and we’ll meet you at 1320 *@&%#( Drive. Don’t knock on the front door. Just come on in and we’ll be waiting at the top of the stairs in a pool of pudding.
Him: I’m on my way!!

He signs out in about half a second. I laugh so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I just sent him to a crack house in the middle of the ghetto in a Crip neighborhood. Good luck, perv.