Seriously, Take A Hint

Took Von home in the morning. Talked on the way to work and at lunch. Big Tongue called me in the afternoon but I didn’t answer. Eventually he’s going to have to figure this out, right? I mean, seriously! When I don’t answer my phone, he sends me an email. Then tries IM’ing me. I make sure my status says “busy”. I contemplate changing it to “I got a new man so leave me alone” but didn’t know how that would go over with my co-workers.

9 PM
Von and I go to the bar for a little bit. Neither of us are in very good moods. Although being together makes it a little better. We head home early and make sure we’re both feeling much better before we fall asleep. Big Tongue and Fury both call while Von and I are doing it.

A Mother Just Knows

Von and I have discussed numerous times the way his family felt about his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Bitch. No one liked her. Every person I’ve met from his past has congratulated him on “finally leaving that crazy bitch”. His family refused to go to his wedding. The first time his mother met her she looked at Von and said “I don’t like this bitch. Get her out of my house.” Now is not the time to dwell on the fact that he married her anyway and fell for her little traps. Let’s just focus on the fact that his mother actually has never liked a single one of his girlfriends. In the 13 years he’s been dating she approved of one. This little fact terrifies me and he knows it. He tells me she’ll love me because she’ll know how happy I make him. I tell him I shall delay our meeting as long as possible. And I’m not kidding. This should be easy. She lives across the country and doesn’t like to travel. I’m in the clear. If there’s one thing I’m scared of ruining this wonderful fairytale Von and I have going on, it’s mama. I can woo the boys. They’re young and don’t know any better but mama, lord oh lord, mama could really mess this up. After the fiasco of a life he had with Bitch, he’s not going to ignore mama’s warnings again.

We finally get up and go downstairs and begin whipping up a late morning breakfast feast. As I’m preparing the hashbrowns his phone rings. I hear him say “hey mom”. I smile, assuring him that I have the cooking under control and he goes outside to talk for a little while. After about 10 minutes he returns and hands me the phone.

Me in a harsh whisper: Who is it?
Von: My mom. She wants to talk to you.
Me: Hell no!
Von: C’mon.
Me: No!

I begin running around the kitchen in circles. He chases me, holding the phone out. He catches me and sees the fear in my eyes.

Von: Please?
Me: But I’m scared of her.
Von: It’ll be fine. Please.

I take a deep breath and take the phone. I’m nervous at first but she’s pretty cool. A straight shooter who doesn’t bullshit about much of anything but it’s oddly refreshing. I hold my own okay. Twenty minutes later she’s telling me she hopes I can come out and visit next time Von goes to see her. I am flattered by her offer and tell her I’ll be sure to come with him. She also makes it very clear that she despises Bitch and everything about her. At least I have that going for me. I’d have to do something pretty evil to ever compare to the foul crap that Bitch has pulled on Von. Mama asks to talk to Von again. I put him on the phone and he steps into the living room. I hear him say goodbye and take a very deep breath. I walk in and look at him. He says, “I have to sit down.” Oh shit. She hates me! I knew it! Damn, damn, crap! How am I gonna fix this? “Are you okay?” I ask. “Did she say something bad about me?” Von shakes his head. “She said that you’re a keeper and not to let you get away.” I find myself having to sit down too. “Wow.” He takes my hand. “Yeah, wow.” I smell the bacon burning.

After breakfast we head to the store so that he can do some fix-it stuff around the house and in NYC and Teach’s bathroom. We grab the parts we need, peruse the appliances aisle and debate which refrigerator we would want. In line for the check-out I spot one of those dream houses books. I pick it up and we start flipping through. We decide to buy it.

Once we get home and he’s done playing Tim The Tool Man Taylor we lie on my bed and break out the dream house book. We have almost the exact same taste in houses. We both wrinkle our noses at some and drool over the others. We look and look and talk like “well, we could add a hot tub back here.” And “that could be the game room with the pool table.” It’s fun. We find a doozy of a house. Mansion really. And we both instantly know it’s for us.

Von: That’s the one.
Me: It’s gorgeous.
Von: It’s perfect for us. The boys can each have their own room. This will be your office and this can be for our little girl.

I stop.

Me: I thought you said you didn’t want any more kids?
Von: I thought you said you wanted a girl.
Me: Well yeah, but…
Von: Then we will have a beautiful little girl.

I smile.

Von: Have you named her yet?
Me: Alexis.
Von: What about a middle name?Me: I hadn’t even picked a father for her. Figured I’d save the middle name until she was real.
Von: What about Destiny?
Me: Alexis Destiny?
Von: Yeah. What do you think?
Me: I think I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what I ever did to deserve you.

I cry. He holds me. I want so badly to tell him I love him. I want him to know that I don’t care how fast it seems like we’re going, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I want to explode with happiness but I can’t stop crying. And he just rocks me in his arms.

Another Test

Ran errands with Von. He didn’t say a word about my stupid mouth the night before. In fact, if it’s even possible, I think he’s happier than I’ve seen him yet. Maybe I’m just imagining that. Who knows.

We have plans to go up to Ronnie’s tonight and meet some of the old school friends. I’ve never been so excited for my friends to meet my boyfriend…EVER! I know they will fall completely head over heals for him, just as I have. And he’s excited too. No apprehension whatsoever. I remember once trying to get MOB to go over there and meet my friends. He acted as if I asked him to drown his first-born child in a bathtub of fecal matter. But not Von. He can’t wait. We get caught up in an afternoon of rolling around in bed which slightly delays our trip to Ronnie’s house. But eventually we summon all our will power and get ready to go.

NYC and Teach go up with us. Ronnie and two of his roommates, Bach, Luk and Bama are all there. We barbeque and play cards and poker and generally shoot the shit. Von fits in like he’s always been a part of our clique. Even Ronnie seems to really like him. I watch Ronnie and Bach watch Von watch me. And when they see the way he looks at me and holds me and smiles at me, they know I’m going to be okay. This guy is not an asshole like MOB. That they can see immediately. It seems as if I finally made a good decision in the love department. I know I have. But there validation only makes me feel that much better about it.

We leave at midnight and Von has nothing but wonderful things to say about the friends I hold so dear to my heart. Knowing they feel the same about him brings the night to a perfect close.

I Straddled Him On The Porno Couch Like No One Else Was There

Dropped Von off in the morning. He called me on my way to work to tell me he wasn’t going to have the boys this weekend. I’m a little disappointed. I was really looking forward to spending time with them. On the other hand, I’m relieved. Things are perfect between Von and I. What if his sons don’t like me? Then I’m totally screwed. Best not to rush that. Although I’m sad for him not getting to see them.

MOB emails me throughout the day. He wants to come to the bar tonight and meet Von. I tell him I don’t think that’s a very good idea. He promises me that he will be on his best behavior and only wants me to be happy. As much as I want to believe him, I know I can’t.

9 PM
I head to the bar with Von, Dorothy and Vagina Jane. FB, Sassy, Crazy James, Asia, Mary Poppins, etc. are all there. We play darts and drink excessively. MOB calls and asks if I’ll come pick him up and bring him back to the bar. I tell him I’m too drunk. I’m getting enough dirty looks from Gloves, Froggie and Sam who are sitting next to me at the bar. I don’t need MOB up there acting the fool as well.

2 AM
MOB never shows up. Guess he couldn’t get a ride from any of his “friends”. Not my problem. Another night of drama dodged. A bunch of us head to my house for after hours. We make egg sandwiches, smoke more, drink more and act like we’re in a “who can talk the loudest” contest. All the talking is hurting my head.

Von sits down on the couch and I sit next to him. Dorothy and Vagina Jane are standing next to us chatting. Dorothy mentions wanting to go to Vegas for her birthday in a few weeks. Von lights up with excitement. “Do you wanna go, bear?” He asks me. And I blurt “Yes! But we can’t go to Vegas!” He asks why not. “Because you’re still technically married and if we go to Vegas I’m gonna want to elope!” The minute I’m done I want to throw myself into the fireplace. Did I just tell him I want to elope? Two weeks together and I just blurted out in front of a viewing audience that I would marry him? I’m waiting for him to make a Road Runner fast dash for the door, never to be seen again. I feel my heart rise up in my throat. I probably just completely fucked this up. Why am I an idiot?! I can’t even look at him. But I can tell he’s looking at me. He pulls me down for a kiss. Not a word or a look of fear or looking at me like I’m completely insane. Just a sweet kiss, as if he knows I’m freaking out, to tell me it’s okay. I straddle him on the couch and attack him to thank him for not running out on me.

I’m sitting on the couch watching my friends, too tired and drunk to join in on the conversation. I begin to fade out. I feel someone put a blanket around me. I feel the warmth of two lips on my forehead.

4:30 AM
I wake up to the warmth of two lips on my forehead. Von takes my hand and leads me upstairs. He tucks me into bed and cuddles up against me and we drift off to sleep. I dream of us getting married at the drive-thru chapel by an Elvis impersonator. We’re not driving a pink Cadillac but it’s a Cadillac Escalade which is completely pimped out. My ring is out of a gumball machine but it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

6 AM
I awake from my dream and decide to wake him up with a few soft kisses of my own. He gladly accepts my apology.

Gentleman

I drop Von off at 8 am on my way to work. He calls me at 8:45 to tell me to have a good day. I think about him the entire morning. I call him at lunch to see how his day is going. I pick him up on the way home from work. We hang with Teach and grab some dinner, waiting for NYC to return from her two month trip in the Big Apple. When the shuttle van finally pulls up we bum rush her with hugs. The man driving the van pulls out her three bags, which look as if they weigh about 100 pounds apiece. By the time Teach and I loosen our grip on her, Von has took it open himself to lug each of those heavy bags up the stairs and to her room for her. She’s impressed. I beam. I want to scream “Isn’t he the most awesome guy, ever?!?!” But luckily I refrain. I first want to hear about her trip and if things worked out with her longtime, long distance boyfriend. Von comes downstairs to get a glass of water. I tell him I’ll be up in a second. He gives me a kiss and smiles and says to take my time and catch up with NYC. He assures me he isn’t going anywhere. And I know he means that more than just tonight.

With This Kiss

I talk to my dad at lunch. I’m trying and trying not to tell him about Von. Not that I don’t want him to know. It’s just that it seems like when you tell your parents and/or family something, it becomes reality and a really big deal and usually it jinxes it. The minute I speak the words to them they bust in with a logic laser beam and whatever cloud I was floating on disintegrates and I fall from the sky, flat on my ass. Then he says, “You sound happier than I’ve heard you in a long time.” And I blurt out, “I am, Daddy!” And then I start talking a mile a minute about Von and how wonderful he is and how happy he makes me and all my dad could do was laugh although he was probably bored to tears. My dad says, “He sounds great. Maybe we’ll meet this one?” I assure him they will and that I want to bring him home this summer. I tell him even Vagina Jane likes him. I think this surprises him.

Von comes over after work. We sit on my bed and talk for hours about our families and growing up and what we want out of life. It takes all my will power not to blurt out, “You! You are what I want.” Luckily I save myself from looking like a complete psycho and hold it in. The problem is I want to share with him. I want to share every single feeling and emotion that I have and I feel like he wouldn’t look at me like I’m crazy. I think he’d tell me he totally gets it. And maybe even agree. But I know to hold out. This is going way to fast as it is. I need to settle down.

Hours drift away with our ramblings until my head is swimming and I think the only way to stop myself from professing my feelings for him is to kiss him. I kiss him until my lips hurt. I kiss him until the sun begins to peak through the blinds. I kiss him like I’ve never kissed anyone else before. And I know he feels the same when he kisses me back.

Intros and Endings

Usual Von morning routine.

Going about my day at work when I get an email from MOB. We’re emailing back and forth every few minutes and things are fine and friendly. But then he begins to get cute and personal so I need to distance myself. He asks me why my week was so wonderful. And I felt like I needed to tell him about Von. I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else or be caught off guard if he walked into the bar and saw us together. Not that I owed him this courtesy in any way but I also hoped that it would prevent him from causing a scene or doing something stupid when he did eventually witness it. He acts an ass as it is, no need to give him more ammunition. So I just put it out there and tell him I have a new boyfriend and I thought he should know. I await his response. I wait some more. I write him again and say just respond and let me know you read it. After 15 minutes, the approximate time it took him to beat the crap out of someone and smoke a joint, he writes back and tells me that he’s not mad and that’s he’s very happy for me. Even if he’s lying, I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.

As I’m getting ready to leave work Gloves calls. I don’t answer. I call him back when I’m on my way home. He tells me he’s waiting for me at the bar. I tell him he’s gonna have a long wait because I’m just leaving work and I have things to take care of when I get home. He asks if I’m “taken” for the night or if he can finally have me back. I tell him I’m going to be “taken” for a while. “Like all weekend?” I explain to him that I’m hoping to be taken for a very, very long time. He asks when it happened. I tell him he’s been gone and it doesn’t matter. He’s not especially thrilled by all of this. I remind him that he didn’t want a relationship and that he has another friend he can call. “But what if I want you?” Well, “I guess you’re shit out of luck, sweetie.” He says he’ll see me around and then hangs up.

I must say they both took it better than I was expecting. Luckily for me they were both sober and it wasn’t face to face. Ha!

I go home and take care of my crap. Von has the boys tonight so I’m just going to go out with Vagina Jane. As I’m getting ready to leave Von calls. He asks if I could drop off some of the leftover spaghetti for him and the boys. What? And only have six pounds of it left? “Yeah, I think I can do that”, I promise. I get ready and head out. Not until I park in front of the house does it hit me. The boys are here. The two loves of his life. I should’ve worn a different shirt and put on less make-up. Maybe worn my glasses? I run to the 7-11 across the street and grab some cookies. I am in no way above bribing these children to love me. I’ll buy them whatever they want if it means they’ll put up with me being around once in awhile. The meeting is a little awkward. Von and I are both nervous. The boys are too involved in the movie they’re watching to care. They are adorable though and very polite. Vagina Jane calls to tell me she’s almost to the bar so I stay only a few minutes. Von walks me out. We talk briefly, sneak some hugs and kisses and I promise to call him later.

At the bar Vagina Jane, FB and I play darts. Preach, Crazy James and Sassy are there. Big Pop walks in. I ask him what was said last night when we were walking out. He first makes me tell him what happened because he was confused as to how it started. I told him and then he told me what Snake had said… “Yeah, get the fuck out of here you trick bitch.” Which is what sent Von into a frenzy. I laugh. I was right. I’ve been called much worse than that before.

My Turn For Interrogation?

I take Von home at 6:30 in the morning. He calls at 8:30 to wish me a good day. I’m dead tired at work. Not just, man I wanna go home tired but nodding off and spilling my water all over my desk tired.

Vagina Jane wants to go out again. Of course I can’t turn that bitch down. She reminds me she only has four days to party before the hubby returns. We get to the bar and Von is waiting for us, with his brother/best friend/current roommate, No Love. I’m expecting No Love to give me the third degree but he’s actually really cool. Says he’s heard a lot of good things about me, blah, blah, blah. We teach him how to play darts. He holds his own okay. He leaves early to go take care of the wifey. FB steps in as Vagina Jane’s partner. Baby Girl, Fort Dodge, Big Pop and company are there. Fort Dodge is drunk and doing her “I was born to be a stripper” dance. It’s quite a sight. I see the “love of her life”, Snake, enter. He’s a shady asshole who lives with his other girlfriend and three kids. He pretends as if she’s not even there. But he definitely sees Vagina Jane there. He’s eyeing her like a cat in a mice store. He tries talking to her a couple times. She keeps laughing him off. Then he approaches again. This time he’s leaning in and trying to whisper in her ear. She’s leaning back and back, about to crawl over the bar. She tells him no thanks. She tells him she’s married. I’m about to tell him his breath stinks. At first Von and I are laughing. I get the tiny “help me” kick and spring to action. I tell him she’s married and is not interested. He calls me a cockblocker. That title has no damper on me. I happily agree that I am indeed a cockblocker and I’m good at it so he should probably just move along. He does for a couple minutes but then comes back AGAIN! Von asks if I want him to say something. I tell him we’ll take care of it. No need getting any more testosterone involved for gods sake. Again, we tell him that she’s not interested and it’s not going to happen. He starts talking about how he wants to lick her pussy and fuck her all night long. As if this is a turn-on and she will sudden leap from her bar stool naked and spread eagle, tackling him onto the pool table and ravaging him. Dude, please. It only repulses us more.

And here’s the thing. Even if she weren’t married, and was desperately single, ugly with boils on her face and horny to boot, she would never pick him to hook up with. He’s a creep. There’s a reason they call him Snake. Finally he walks away. We decide it’s time to get the heck out of dodge because he’s so sleezy. As we’re walking out he says “There goes the hater-parade.” Yep, if it’s easier on your ego to pretend that I’m a master cockblocker and it has nothing to do with the fact you suck, suit yourself, dude. But then he mumbles something else. I don’t hear it. Jami doesn’t hear it. But I feel Von rip his hand out of my grasp and turn back to Snake. “What the fuck did you say, man?” They start yelling at each other. Big Pop and Baby Girl jump in the middle. Vagina Jane and I drag Von outside to the car. Fort Dodge comes running out to apologize. I tell her how fucking uncool that was and why it happened. “Your man was trying to fuck Vagina Jane and when we told him to get lost he decided to start talking shit.” Her face falls. She takes off for her car. I start to back up when I see Snake exit the bar and run towards the car. He’s coming after Von. Von tries jumping out of the car but luckily I have safety locks and a foot made of lead. I peel out and down the street. I ask Von to tell me what Snake said that said him off. He’s so pissed he can’t even repeat it. Vagina Jane thanks him for defending our honor and goes home. We have a smoke in the garage to cool down but it doesn’t work. He is hot as hell but still refuses to tell me what Snake said. By Von’s reaction I can tell it had to have been pretty bad. I assure him that it won’t hurt my feelings. I know who I am and I’m sure I’ve been called worse. Besides, Snake doesn’t know shit about me and I could care less what he thinks of me. He refuses to share. We go to bed. I let him think it’s over. I’ll just find out another way.

As we’re crawling into bed Big Tongue calls. I hit ignore, as always. Right now I just want to settle down my knight in shining armor.

Waking Up Like This...

Waking up like this should be illegal. Waking up in his arms, his breath on my neck, his body against mine and a smile that I can only assume has been plastered on my face since I went to sleep…I’m like a kid on the short bus. He kisses up my spine to my shoulders, around my neck. Which leads to sex, morning breath and all. We lie in bed for hours talking. Eventually we decide we need to part ways. We need to try and take it slowly. Besides, he needs to go see the kids and I need to get some work done. I take him home at noon.

3 PM
I miss him. I can’t believe it. I take a smoke break. And like he can read my mind, he calls. He tells me that he’s sorry to bother me but he was missing me and just wanted to say hi. I melt. We chat for a few minutes and then get off the phone.

11 PM
I strip down for bed, crawl under the covers. Tomorrow can’t get here fast enough. My phone rings. It’s Von. He asks if it’s tomorrow yet. I tell him close enough. I tussle my hair, throw on some clothes and fly to the bar. He’s waiting with a drink for me. We play darts, drink and make everyone in the place sick/jealous with our public displays of affection.

1 AM
We finally make it home. Great sex leads to great conversation until 3:30 in the morning.

He Cooks, He Cleans, He Scores!!

Spent the day with Von running errands and preparing for dinner. We spent three hours making his special spaghetti sauce. It was great. After slaving away in the kitchen we spent some quality time in bed and then he suggested we take a shower together since we’ve just dirtied each other up. I’ve only done this once, almost 10 years ago, and that was more out of necessity and a lack of time than anything.

Now, I enjoy showers as much as the next gal. I occasionally spoil myself with an extra long, extra hot lathering every once in awhile. But this was mind blowing. He shampoos and massages my head. He kisses me lightly as he rubs. Then he grabs the lufa and bodywash and scrubs down my entire body, kissing each spot as it rinses clean. It is taking all my will power not to attack him. Hands down the best shower of my life.

Vagina Jane shows up and we have a wonderful meal. We go to the bar and are having a blast drinking and playing darts. I’m kissing Von by the bar. I turn and see Smoke staring at us from near the bathroom. I shoot my darts and say hi. He grabs my arm and raises his eyebrows towards Von. “Who’s that?” I take my arm out of his grasp. “My boyfriend.” He looks shocked. “Since when?” I laugh. “You didn’t get the memo? Oh that’s right, since none of your business!” I haven’t been back next to Von and Vagina Jane for 30 seconds when my cell starts ringing. It’s Gloves. I don’t answer. What are they, telepathic cousins or something? Damn.

The bar closes early so we head to another that’s just down the street. Von, Vagina Jane and I are all pretty toasted. Most of our friends from the bar come down to the second one as well, including Sam and Smoke. Smoke continues to be an ass to me, shaking his head in that disappointed parent/teacher sort of way. I ignore him. Von and I go play pool. Apparently he is not too heartbroken about me though because he spends the next hour trying desperately to convince Vagina Jane that he could be her boy toy while her husband is away. Ha! As if. Poor Vagina Jane. How many times can you tell a guy they don’t stand a shot in hell without being mean?

Moving Faster Than The Speed Of Light

Took Von home in the morning. As has become our tradition, he called me on the way to work to wish me a good day and on the way home to see how my day went. We make plans to meet up at the bar.

Vagina Jane and I get to the bar and are doing blow job shots faster than you can say ejaculate. Von comes and we play darts. Some gross old guy keeps eyeing us and saying pervy things. After the guy gets mouthy with me, Von defends our honor and they almost come to blows. Gross Guy gets kicked out of the bar and we return to our dart game.

After the bar the three of us go to my house and hang out drinking and talking. A lot of people are intimidated by the closeness I share with my friends, especially Vagina Jane and my sister. It’s not a fence that is easily crossed and most get buried in inside jokes and can’t find their way out. But Von fits. He’s so adorable we can’t help but invite him in. But out of nowhere Vagina Jane takes the invitation to an unexpected place. “So are you her boyfriend or what?”, she blurts out. A feel my face go red. Nothing like putting the poor guy on the spot. But as usual, he doesn’t bat an eye or get uncomfortable. He takes my hand in his and says “I want to be.” I’m shocked. “Well good, I’m glad that’s settled”, Vagina Jane laughs. That was so high school. Like passing a note back and forth but I’m sure glad she did it. That bitch knows me well.

3 A.M.
Vagina Jane leaves and Von and I go upstairs. The whole time we’re having sex I keep thinking “Oh my god. This is my boyfriend”. How can things possibly be going this fast? Shouldn’t there be an emergency brake or something? What did I just agree to? The end of all booty calls? My unhealthy obsession with MOB? The every day dialing of Jas, hoping for his return from Yemen? Flirting with whomever, whenever at the bar? And for what?! Oh, that’s right. Affection, honesty, companionship, great sex, stability and a general feeling of happiness that I haven’t had in a long ass time. I think I can live with this for a while.

You Snooze, You Lose

I am undoubtedly late for work. Only half an hour though. Not bad, not bad. It was totally worth it. Have to take a nap when I get off of work. While I’m trying to sleep Milkshake, Smoke and Gloves all call. I answer none of the calls.

I talk to Von and we plan to meet at the bar. Vagina Jane will meet us as well. I call Smoke back. He wants to come over and visit me. I tell him I have plans and laugh him off as usual. He says, “Well, if you get the itch, you know where to find me.” I’m thinking to myself, “Fucking you would probably give me an itch of some sort. No thanks”.

I walk in the bar and see Asia by the pool table. I say hi and then notice Von by the front door. I had walked right past him. As I head over to talk to him I see a familiar face. It’s Gloves. I freeze. He never comes here unless he’s with me or Sam. And why is he in town? What is going on? I go over to say hi. He says, “I thought I might find you here. I tried calling you.” This is just twisted. He’s literally two feet away from Von. I small talk with him for about 30 seconds and then tell him I need a drink. I walk over to Von who gives me a big hug and kiss. I can see Gloves trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I sit next to Von and he orders me a drink while draping his arm around my waist. I can feel Glove’s eyes burning through me. Well, this is surely uncomfortable. Where the hell is Vagina Jane? I need her help.

Vagina Jane shows about 15 minutes later and has a seat next to us at the bar. And then Gloves decides to take the seat next to her. Ugh! He tries catching my eye more than once, each time with this glare that begs for answers. FB comes and we decide to play darts. The teams are FB and Vagina Jane against Von and myself. Gloves watches us the entire first game. Eventually he comes over and says goodbye. It is awkward. As he hugs me he whispers “call me” and then walks out the door. I turn to Von and shower him with kisses, hoping he didn’t notice the tension. He doesn’t appear to.

Von goes to the bathroom and FB drills me about him. I ask him if he likes him so far. FB says “He seems like a cool guy but I don’t trust your judgment in picking men so I’m being cautious.” Thanks, jackass. Vagina Jane is pissed at her fake boyfriend Crazy James for not showing up again as promised. Von buys us each a flower. I officially will my fake boyfriend, FB, to Vagina Jane. Hers sucks and I don’t think I need mine anymore. I like the real one. But before FB and I can officially fake break-up our fake relationship, he must give a warning to Von. He tells him he’s a cool guy but if he hurts me, he’s going to die. That seems to be a popular theme this week. Poor guy has had his life and genitalia threatened more times since he met me than he probably has in his entire life. Lucky for me he’s a good sport about it. Vagina Jane and FB are getting along like bread and butter. It’s a nice change and I love it. A mellow night with three of my favorite people in the world, stiff drinks, smokes and good dart competition…what more could a girl possibly ask for?

When we finally get home and into bed Von pulls a few surprises out of his hat. D-A-M-N! I go to sleep exhausted, with a permanent smile plastered on my face. What I did to deserve this guy? I will never know.

Define Exclusive

I take Von home in the morning and get ready for work. Filled Vagina Jane in on my previous night. She’s liking Von but still cautious. I don’t blame her. I’m waiting for something to go terribly awry as well. Von calls me on my way to work to tell me to have a good day and that he can’t wait to see me tonight. Am I on “Punk’d”? This guy is unreal.

Vagina Jane decides that we should venture out tonight. Von meets us at the bar. We drink and play darts and engage in an overabundance of public affection. We are the couple I used to make fun of and would tell to rent a room. Vagina Jane is still trying to find a crack in him. On the way back to my house she gives him the best friend-erly interrogation. He passes with flying colors. She’s stumped. We see CC at the gas station, even though when he left the bar he told us he was going straight home. He is clearly wasted so Vagina Jane and I convince him to let her drive him back to my house. I apologize to Von about Vagina Jane’s questioning. He says he doesn’t mind at all. In fact, he would be worried if the best friend didn’t care enough to do that. I think he should write a book and list the ways that he makes a woman feel like she’s the most amazing person on earth. I would buy it for every man I know so that other woman around the world could feel this wonderful. Yes, I’m a giver. Always sharing. Well, most of the time.

We tuck CC in on the couch and Vagina Jane leaves. Von and I get into bed and start talking. He says that he finally figured out what the catch is with me. This is one I’ve been told before. I have a lot of guy friends and it’s hard for some of my significant others to deal with. Especially because I am such an affectionate person, always greeting people with a hug and a kiss. My heart drops. I’ve been in this conversation way too many times. More than one of my relationships has come to an end because of my male bonding abilities. We discuss it for awhile and Von is pretty cool about the situation. He says as long as he knows that I’m coming home with him he can deal with it. Which leads to a conversation about us and how fast things are moving and where we’re headed. Both of us feel like we’re riding a tidal wave. Neither of us want to jump out, despite what our heads are telling us to do. We decide that we don’t care about logic and we’re going to go with the flow and see what happens between us. We also decide that if we’re going to give it a go, we’re going to give it our all. It’s official: We are dating exclusively. Before we know it, it’s 5 o’clock in the morning and we’re still yapping away. Yapping turns to kissing which leads to mind blowing sex which eventually leads us to sleep. We have one hour before my alarm goes off.

Am I Blushing?

I get to work and my cell starts ringing. I don’t know the number and I’m busy so I don’t answer. It blinks that I have a message and my first spare moment I listen. It’s Von:
“Hey sweetie, I’m just calling to say good morning. Thank you again for last night. I can’t wait to see you. Have a great day. Bye, sweetie.”

I talk to Von on the way home. He’s still at work but we make plans to get together later. I watch American Idol with Teach. This is some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in a long time. People making total asses out of themselves always cracks me up. Teach and I debate whether a few of the contestants are “special” or just a little weird. She feels bad for the worst ones. Even the cocky bad ones. I tell her the only reason I feel bad for this people is that they don’t have good enough friends and family to save them this fucking embarrassment and tell them they can’t sing and shouldn’t try in front of millions of viewers. Vagina Jane and my sister would fucking bitch slap me before they’d let me go on a show like that. And you know what? I appreciate that about them. I am not Fantasia and that’s cool. These people on the other hand are just crazy. How does one continue singing when the judges are out right laughing at you? Even Paula Abdul! She can find something nice to say about anyone!

After Idol I head to the bar. I have a drink and play some megatouch until Von gets there. He greets me with a kiss and a hug, right in the middle of the bar. I can’t help but blush. We play some megatouch together. He positions his stool so that I’m between his legs and reaches around me to use his right hand, leaving the left one resting on my knee. In between screens he steals soft, sweet kisses. I catch the bartender eyeing us. Now I know I’m blushing. After losing too many quarters we move over to the darts where he puts up a hellacious fight and nearly beats me at a couple of games. I have created a monster. Despite the other people in the bar he makes no secret of the fact that we’re together. He hugs me, kisses me, and touches me constantly. Although it’s not at all what I’m used to, I love it. I can’t get enough of it. This guy is what I would imagine a crack addiction to be like. I’m a fiend for it. I think about it every second I don’t have it. I’m complete only when it’s pulsating through me. Eventually we go back to my house and have sex for a couple hours. When we finish he holds me in his arms like usual and I find myself fighting back tears. It was that powerful. I am so screwed.

No Work, All Play

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! Please take a moment to think about the difference he made in this country and appreciate the sacrifice he gave. Thank you. Now, back to business…

I get home from dropping Von off and I’m too wired to go back to sleep. I start prepping our dinner for tonight. I know that I’m a dream in the kitchen but I’m a little bit nervous. I don’t usually cook to impress. I cook cuz I’m flippin’ hungry. I talk to Vagina Jane, Dorothy, and Ronnie to soothe my nerves. I call my mom four times and double check the recipe. She thinks I’m a maniac. “You’ve made this a hundred times.” She’s right. What the hell is wrong with me?

Prince calls and says he was hoping to come down and see me tonight. I tell him I have plans. Slight pause. He doesn’t ask what. He says to call him later in the week. Von came over for dinner. He loved it and ate two helpings, which makes me very happy. Did I mention how damn cute he is? He’s actually appreciative that I made him dinner. He repays me with compliments and kisses. We light a fire in the fireplace and cuddle up on the floor. We spend hours swapping stories about our childhood and families and failed relationships and how we got where we are. I still can’t believe how amazing he is.

Eventually we go upstairs and again he blows my mind, numerous times. Although we both know the speed that we’re going at is damn near cause for institutionalization, we can’t help it. Something about this feels right. We agree that everything happens for a reason. We’re both waiting for “the catch”. The bomb to drop. The big surprise of what’s wrong with the other person that will ruin what we’ve got going on. Pessimistic? Yes, but it’s also human nature.

Like A Breath Of Fresh Air

MOB calls me around noon and asks me how he got home. As if I have a clue. He barely remembers anything after we left the bar last night. He asks what I’m doing tonight. I tell him I’m having people over for a little gathering. He asks if he can come. I tell him he can only because I know that he won’t.

Crazy James calls and tells me Tiny got sentenced to two year in jail. Doesn’t know exactly what happened but sometime between 2 AM Thursday night and Friday morning. I tell James we saw Tiny at the diner and we piece together what happened. Very scary. I said, “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” James busts out laughing. “I thought you were scared of his anaconda!” Again, I regret that I talk. “A-you weren’t supposed to remember that. And B-I’m not talking conjugal visits but moral support or something. I don’t know.”

I have two missed calls from Gloves. I return but I get the voicemail. I don’t leave a message. He calls back a little later. I ask what he’s doing and he says “Hanging with the lady.” Why the hell would you tell me that? And why would you call me if you’re with her? Have you no brains whatsoever? He says if he can break away later he’s going to try and come through. Don’t bother. Truth be told, I only wanna see him so he can see my haircut. Other than that, I have no use for him anymore.

Vagina Jane, Dorothy, Teach and our friend Iowa gorge ourselves on dips, junk food and booze and play poker while watching the Golden Globes. It’s fun. Eventually Vagina Jane, Dorothy and I find our way to the bar. Crazy James is hammered! Sassy and her friend G are there. We all drink and play darts and harass the locals. As I’m shooting darts I get the feeling someone is watching me. I glance over towards my stool and see Von. We share a smile. I shoot and then make my way back over. He gives me a big hug and scoots close to me on the neighboring stool. He leaves his hand on my back as we talk and leans in close so he can hear me. He tells me he was planning on coming out to see me Friday night but he was sick as a dog from Thursday night. I don’t tell him that I also had a run in with some kind of “bug”. We sit at the bar talking and everyone else just disappears. Up until the point that Milkshake and Vagina Jane climb on the bar and begin to dance and the owner walks in and shuts the place down. It’s only midnight!

Vagina Jane, Dorothy, Sassy, G, Von and myself head to my house. We sit around drinking and hearing horror stories from Sassy and G about work. My side hurts I’m laughing so hard. Sassy tells a story like no one I’ve ever met (and louder than most as well). Von and I go outside for a smoke. I am happy to find that I was not drunk and imagining that he was a wonderful kisser. He comes through again. Sweet, tender, soft. Enveloping me in his strong arms. I’m seriously weak at the knees. I bury my head in his chest. He is hands down the sweetest guy I have met in a long, long time. Besides Jas, I don’t know if I’ve ever known anyone so sweet and sincere. Eventually my friends decide to go home and Von and I are alone. I’m slightly nervous, which is uncharacteristic to say the least. As we’re heading upstairs my phone rings. I look to see that it’s Gloves and hit ignore.

I swear Von and I kissed for hours. It’s wonderful. Things progressed and as much as I love to kiss and tell…all I can say is magical…each of the six times…amazing…bliss. We talk about his divorce, our careers, our friends, our likes, our dislikes, you name it. We finally drift off to sleep around 6:30. We wake up at 9. He calls his boss and tells him he’s going to be late. We squeeze in a quickie then I take him to work. The minute I’m around the corner I have to call Sca and tell her what happened. She can hear my smile 2000 miles away.

Surprise, I Don't Love You

I was combing my hair this morning after Gloves left, thinking about our night, irritated out of my mind. Why do I let him irritate me? Because I’m a woman and I’m irrational and emotional. And what should I do about it? Well, small acts of revenge of course. I can’t physically hurt him. I’m not sure I could emotionally hurt him short of outing him to the other woman and never speaking to him again. Tempting, but not my style and I really don’t care quite that much. Then it hits me. His favorite thing to do to me. Well, besides that. Get your mind out of the gutter. He loves my hair. He loves running his fingers through it and playing with it. He comments about how I have such beautiful, long blonde hair. I head to Supercuts and go to town. Twenty minutes later I watch her sweep five inches of my golden locks off of the floor. It’s just the change I needed. I love it! It’s fresh and fun and new. Perfect.

Prince comes down and takes me to lunch. I can tell he got a hard on somewhere between the salad and the chicken. He then acts surprised when I call him on it. “How can you tell?” Um, hello, I was with you for almost a year. I think I know the signs of your arousal. As we drive back to my apartment I fear he is going to leap over and attack me. I haven’t seen him this hot and bothered in a long time. I look over and can see it through his jeans, creeping halfway down his thigh.

We get inside my house and he finally attacks. I think it must be my hot new haircut. Up in my room we take a romp. I always enjoy sex with Prince. It’s very business like but quite fulfilling. Today he apparently has a lot of pent-up hormones. Whereas usually I’m the one begging for round after round, today I have to cut him off and put him in time out. I told him I was tired and that we were only going to do it once. I even gave in and did it twice. But I was drawing the line when he came sniffing around for round three. I needed a nap if I was going to be able to go out tonight. Didn’t he understand that? Finally he realizes that I’m serious, pouting while he gets dressed and leaves me alone to my nap.

After my nap I jump in the shower. As I’m toweling off I hear my phone ringing. I run into the room and leap across the bed to answer it. Lo and fucking behold it’s MOB. He asks what I’m up to. Says he just got back in town and wants to see me. He’s already at the bar. I tell him I’ll be up later. He says he’s not sure how long he’ll be there. I tell him if he wants to see me so bad he’ll wait. If not, I’ll talk to him later. I hang up and see that I had missed two calls from him while I was in the shower as well. Damn, someone’s eager tonight.

I get ready and head to the bar. Asia is there. And MOB. I take a seat and he flashes me that frickin’ smile that I adore. He runs over and hugs me, almost knocking me off my stool, telling me how much he missed me, it’s so good to see me and how much he loves me. Whoa! Slow down, tiger. I haven’t even gotten my first drink yet. We go outside and talk for awhile. He fills me in on his trip to take care of his grandmother and how good it is to be back. He claims he missed me and thought about me every day. He loves me so much he could never explain it to me. Again, too little, too late. Luckily, Dorothy and Vagina Jane soon arrive. I think this would stop him but I’m so wrong. He instead tries to charm them, as he is so very good at. He also has no problem telling them how much he loves and misses me. At one point he tells Dorothy that he loves me and I’ll always be in his heart no matter what. She says, “Oh, you’re melting my heart.” I say, “You’re not melting mine so keep talking. And buy me a drink while you’re at it.” He does both.

After hours at my house. Baby Girl shows up with a bunch of people I don’t know. Dorothy runs off to entertain Sam for the night. Vagina Jane and Tiny Pop catch up on what the stars hold for each them in my new astrology book. MOB stands center stage in the kitchen entertaining all my guests. I watch from the couch. He does have a way with people. And he does know how to get them really hammered! Two bottles of liquor later it’s time for everyone to leave. Someone has managed to lock the downstairs bathroom from the inside and we’re locked out. Of course the hinges are on the inside as well. I’m too tired to deal. MOB goes outside to pee instead of using the upstairs bathroom. He’s getting to that drunk and belligerent stage I know too well and rather despise. I tell him I’ll drive him home when he gets done. But he doesn’t come back. I shut the doors and go to bed. I call him. “Where are you?”, I ask. “That’s a very good question.” All I want to know is if he’s safe. He says he’s at home. I hear a girls voice in the background. More than likely it’s his sister but I would rather pretend it’s the crazy bitch baby mama that I hate. It fuels my wanting to keep my distance. In a drunken slur he asks, “Why don’t you love me anymore?” I tell him “Because you don’t deserve my love.” I hang up and go to sleep.

The Ice Queen

Clingy IM’d me all day. He’s driving me nuts. Time to cut the ties on that one.

To the bar with Dorothy and Vagina Jane. CC, Smoke, Sam, Asia and Froggie there to name a few. Back to my house afterwards with CC, Dorothy and Vagina Jane. Gloves came over at 2 AM. He had just gotten back into town. When he walked in I felt nothing. Not good, not bad, not anything. He complained that he had a bad week. I told him it was because he didn’t talk to me. He said he thinks I’m right. He asked how my week was and I told him it was super. He thinks it’s because I didn’t talk to him. I tease him and tell him that’s true. We mess around until about 6:30 in the morning. I won’t have sex with him though. He hasn’t E.I.’d. If he can’t “Earn It”, he can’t have it. Plain and simple. Plus he tells me a story of what happened prior to his coming to my house between him, a baseball bat and a 7-11 worker and I fear that his temper is more than I can handle.

And She's Back!!

Sorry for yesterday. I think I’m ovulating or some shit. Change in the weather. Getting over a cold. Mars was up my Uranus. Hard to say. But I’m back and I’m better and I apologize for my slight meltdown. I’ll keep it on check from now on.

Rock called this afternoon. It was so good to hear his voice. I miss him terribly though. He’s planning on coming out to visit me in February.

I head to the bar with Vagina Jane. Darts with Sassy, Asia, Milkshake, Piano Man and others. In the midst of our drinking and darts I see a guy (Von) walk in. He takes a seat a few stools down from where we are. He’s gorgeous. He orders a Long Island and watches us as we play. My random partner sucks and I’m getting annoyed so I turn to the hottie and ask him if he wants to be my partner next game. He smiles and I nearly melt. He says he doesn’t know how to play but is willing to let me teach him. Yeah, buddy, I got a couple things I’ll teach you. We pick out some music at the jukebox. He has good taste. I can’t stop watching him. There is something so sweet looking about this guy. Finally, I take a seat next to him and focus. Not only is Von hot, he’s sweet and funny too. Something about him is driving me crazy. We talk until the bartender shuts the place down. Vagina Jane and I convince him to follow us and the rest of the crowd to another bar down the street. When we get there he buys me a drink and we play a game of darts. I win but he puts up a good fight. The next game we play partners against Piano Man and some bimbo. Von and I win. I give him a high five and he leans down and kisses me. I can’t help but kiss him back. I get lost in the moment until I hear Milkshake scream from across the bar, “Oh my god, they are totally making out!!” I blush, knowing that everyone is now watching but I don’t mind. Let ‘em watch.

Vagina Jane is pissed because Crazy James was supposed to come out tonight and never showed and never called. Rude. Von, Vagina Jane and I go to the diner to get some breakfast. Von pays for all three of us. Good move. As we’re waiting for our food Tiny walks in. He starts to come over. I see him roll his eyes at Von. Vagina Jane asks where Crazy James is and he kind of freaks out and says he just dropped him off and then scurries out the door. What an odd guy he is.

We eat breakfast and take Von home. I get in a gang of kisses and he asks for my number. I hope to see him soon. Vagina Jane and I head home. As we’re driving down the street I suddenly realize that I’m gonna get sick. I’m in the inside lane and just open my door and start throwing up. Vagina Jane is dying next to me. She’s laughing so hard I think she’s gonna puke too. She alerts me that we’re sitting at a green light but I can’t stop the vomit volcano. So I drive down the street, door open, head hanging out and turn into a strip mall. Ironically, I strip off my shirt, which has been a victim of my sickness. I’m standing in the parking lot in my bra and jeans trying to get the barf off my car while Vagina Jane breathes through her scarf so she doesn’t get sick herself. I pull my jacket out of the backseat to cover myself and can’t stop laughing. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I have to get up in three hours but I couldn’t be happier that I went out tonight.

Crash

Work is a fucking nightmare today. First of all, I set my alarm wrong and I wake up an hour late. I can’t be late cuz the big boss is coming in from New York and I can’t be ugly either. So I jump in my shower when I’m usually pulling out of the garage and power cleanse. Get ready in a record 19 minutes and head out the door. This sets me up for an entire day of feeling behind. Clingy keeps trying to IM with me and I can’t explain to him enough times that I’m busy. I’m going a hundred miles a minute trying to get everything done. Somehow I knock out the majority of it. I think I must be part Wonder Woman. If only I had that hot gold grown.

I get home and still can’t unwind. I whip up some dinner. Clean my room. Clean the kitchen and bleach the entire thing from top to bottom. I’m exhausted but I know that I have too much adrenaline to sleep. I head to the bar to relax for a few drinks. They’re out of Captain Morgan. Grrrr! I have a white russian. I watch Freak Mama, Joy, Preach and FB playing pool. CC swings through for a minute. I’m in a daze in the corner. I have two drinks and head home.

I lay down and my mind is still on overdrive. I start thinking about Jas. MOB. Gloves. Shy Guy. None of which have tried to contact me lately. I’m bothered by this. Why is life always so feast or famine? My grandma used to say “when it rains, it’s pours” which I thought was the stupidest saying of all time. I’m still not a fan of it, but at least I get what she was saying now.

I pop in some music but nothing is soothing me to sleep. CD after CD is only making my mind wander more. Then I slip in my new Tamia album entitled “More” and I hear my two favorite songs of the day. They bring me to tears. Relish this. I won’t admit it often but I bawled myself to sleep last night for no reason at all except that I was just sad. I have finally crashed.

Tamia “Smile”

Sometimes i sit at home and wonder how it be if he had loved me
Truly, loved me
i learned awhile ago that kind of thing it never happens for me,
and so i go around and just pretend love is not for me
i play the circus clown around my friends make them laugh and they wont see
that U never let them see u sweat
don’t want them to think the pain runs deep, Lord knows its killing me

[Chorus:]
So i put on my make up
put a smile on my face
and if anyone ask me
everything is ok
im laughing cuz no one
knows the joke is on me
cuz im dyin inside with my pride
and a smile on my face...on my face singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la la

Sometimes i sit at home by the phone
hopin he might call me
but he dont call me
but then I realize dreams come true arent for girls like me
not like me,
and so i go around with my head up
like it aint no thing and when the boys around with all my friends
im into other things
cuz U never let them see u sweat
dont want them to think the pain runs deep, lord knows its killing me

[Chorus:]
So i put on my make up
put a smile on my face
and if anyone ask me
everything is ok
im laughing cuz no one
knows the joke is on me
cuz im dyin inside with my pride
and a smile on my face...on my face ooohIts not an easy (thing to do)
sometimes its hard to (face the truth)
its not the life that I would choose
but what else can i do if he dont love me
no if he dont want me
im not about to Sit around let myself go (gooooo)

[Chorus:]So i put on my make up
put a smile on my face
and if anyone ask me
everything is ok
im laughing cuz no one
knows the joke is on me
cuz im dyin inside with my pride
and a smile on my face...on my face singing, la la la, la la, lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la la

Tamia "Officially Missing You"

[Verse One]
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today
I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And todayI’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

[Chorus]
It official
You know that I’m missing you yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

Just Because It's Monday

I feel like crap and am fighting a cold. IM with Clingy and Ron. Agree to finally meet Clingy for dinner some night this week. Not sure which one yet.

While at work I decide I’m going to boycott Mars, Inc. You ask a million Americans what their favorite flavor of Starburst or Skittle is. You are not going to hear an overwhelming response of lemon, orange and lime. It’s just not going to happen. Almost everyone I know wants cherry and strawberry, maybe an occasional grape. Right? Well, here I am at work, snacking on some skittles. I open the bag and poor it out on my desk. There are close to 100 skittles on my desk. Guess how many are red? Four. Four! That’s not statistically correct. If there are 100 skittles and five flavors, the least you can do is give me 20 red ones, right? Not four! I feel so robbed. I dig in my drawer and pull out my starbursts. Lo and behold, I find the same type of situation. Way more yellow and orange than pink and red. This is crap. Why are you keeping the good flavors from the hard working people of America? Sure, I love your Snickers and Twix and even M&M’s but I’m done with you Mars. Until you can show me you’re not screwing me on the cherry, it’s over.

To the bar with Vagina Jane. We invent some new drinks, take too many shots and play a lot of darts with two random married guys. I’m the only one who’s not married. The Flirty Guy tells me I’m not married because I’m too sassy. So be it. The more I drink the sassier I get. He tells me that I’m doomed. I tell him that maybe I see it as being blessed. Crazy James comes up for awhile. I missed that crazy asshole. Vagina Jane asks him where his cousin Tiny is. She says that I’m looking for him. I tell him that I’m not looking for him. He asks why. I tell him that I’m scared of Tiny’s huge cock. He busts up laughing. The second it’s out there I want to punch myself in the face and take it back. Why do I say shit like that? Flirty Guy is wrong. I’m not single because I’m sassy. I’m single because I have chronic diarrhea of the mouth. Plain and simple.

So Much For My Day Of Rest

It’s 8 AM on a Sunday morning. I’ve been in bed for almost five hours. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I’m either asleep or just getting ready for bed. I am in no way, shape or form up and at ‘em or ready to engage in polite conversation. More than likely I have drank too much and smoked too much the night before. And often at 8 AM on a Sunday, I am not in bed alone. Luckily this morning I am because it’s grand central station on the cell phone.

8:12 AM
Phone rings. I knock over a bottle of water trying to answer it. Shit! It falls right into my shoe. I look to see who it is and want to kill somebody. It’s King Andrew. I don’t answer. Why is he calling me at this time? Has he gone fuckin’ mad? He doesn’t leave a message, which pisses me off even more. I roll over and try to fall back asleep.

9:03 AM
Phone rings from a private number. Is this King Andrew wising up? Gloves calling from the road? Jas calling from Yemen? Hmmm….I really hate private numbers. I answer. It’s frickin’ Barbershop. I had thought he had finally given up but I was so, so wrong. He wants to chat. I actually grunt in disgust. “What’s wrong with you?” he is stupid enough to ask. It’s 9 o’clock in the morning! A Sunday morning. Day of rest. He says he’s sorry to wake me up but he needs to talk to me. I ask if it can’t wait for a couple of hours. He gets pretty pissy about it, which I think is uncalled for. I tell him I’m not talking to him right now and if he wants he can call me this afternoon. I hang up.

9:11 AM
I call Sca, the only other person I know who might be up at this hour to bitch about Barbershop being such a dumbass. As we’re chatting I get a beep from a private number. I do not take it. Sca tells me to try and get some sleep.

9:24 AM
No sooner do I close my eyes but the phone starts ringing. Private number calling…again! I answer and it’s Barbershop. “I thought I told you to call me this afternoon?” He says he knows I did but he didn’t think I’d answer later. “If I can even get you on the phone you always tell me to call you later and then you never answer when I call back. It’s almost like you’re avoiding me.” Hmmm, ya think? And it only took you a few months to figure out? Wow, slap on the student of the month bumper sticker. Do they get any brighter? He starts with how much he likes me and really wanted to get to know me and thought we had something special. There is no polite way to express what I’m thinking and subtlety obviously doesn’t work with him. “Honey, I fucked you once. We hung out a couple times. That’s it.” He counters. “Right, but your sex was bomb.” Uh, yeah, tell me something I don’t know. He says, “What happened to us?” Again, there is no US. He starts to get mad. “Well, then how come you told someone at the bar I was your boyfriend?” I actually bust out laughing at him. “Trust me, I didn’t tell anyone you were my boyfriend.” Like a second grader he gives me, “Well, my friend said he heard it from someone and told me.” I told him his friend lied. I don’t call him my boyfriend. I call him my stalker. This maybe tips the scales for him. “You kissed me in the bar one time!” First of all, I don’t remember EVER kissing you in the bar. “Well, you did!” I explain to him that I know I wouldn’t kiss him in the bar for a variety of reasons like the fact that I don’t like him and would never want anyone in the bar to think he was my boyfriend. Then I decide to seal the deal and assure he will not contact me again. “Plus, I wouldn’t want my real boyfriend to find out.” Silence. “You have a boyfriend?” This is a harmless white lie at this point to save me from getting a restraining order. “Yes and he hangs out there all the time and would kick your ass if he knew about you.” He tells me I lied to him about having a boyfriend. “I never lied, honey. You never asked. You assumed I didn’t.” He’s irate now. “You know what, the sex wasn’t all that anyway!” I laugh. “You know, I wish you luck…” He cuts me off. “I don’t need your luck.” He hangs up. Ding Dong, Barbershop is gone! Finally! And now I can sleep.

10 PM
Call it psychic powers, woman’s intuition, gut instinct or whatever, but something tells me that Gloves is not out on the road. I call his house and he answers. I ask him what’s up and he says he just got back. Weather was bad and couldn’t finish his run. I try tempting him to come over. He’s not biting. Something seems off. “Is she there?” He assures me that she’s not there but then drops a fucking bomb on me. “But it’s probably best if you don’t call the house.” I feel like I just got sucker-punched. “Why not? Does she answer your phone?” He pauses. “Sometimes. And sometimes she’s here when I’m not here.” Okay, back the train up. You said she was just your “friend” and that you did not have a girlfriend and we’ve hung out at your house before. What if she would’ve showed up then? He says that she’s not his girlfriend but that they’ve been on again/off again for years. You little ass liar! I’m livid and tell him that I don’t take being #2 very well. He tries to tell me that I’m not number two. Things are just complicated with her. I tell him I don’t need these types of complications. He thinks I’m being unfair. I think he’s being an asshole but he’s not done yet. He asks if we’re on the same page. Do I remember what the deal was when we first started this? I do. He says “because I’m afraid you’re falling in love with me and I don’t wanna hurt you.” Ha! Love? Please. I’m in like with you on a good day. Most of the times I’m just in lust. He’s treating me like I’m a tenderhearted three year old and I’m literally biting the inside of my cheek so as not to yell at him so bad I bring him to tears. He loves hanging out with me and says I’m “like the coolest chick I ever met but I just can’t get in a relationship with you right now.” Okay, I’m not asking for that. What I am asking for is that if you’re going to be boning her, you show me the same respect. I ask him if she knows about me. Of course, she doesn’t. I said she should know. He disagreed. She’d freak out if he told her. Well, if you can’t be honest with her you guys must have a really great thing going. He says she has no right to know. Just like I shouldn’t know about her. Well, guess what? I do know about her and we can’t change that. So now what? He wants to know if we can keep having fun and keep things cool between us. I tell him I’ll get back to him on that one. He wants to know why I’m so upset. I tell him he’s confusing and he broke the rules. “If you don’t want me to get emotionally attached to you, don’t fuck me like you love me.” He’s taken aback. “But I care about you. Would you rather I disrespected you and fucked you like some asshole you just met?” No, but at least that way I know what I’m dealing with and there are no surprises. I also tell him that fuck buddies don’t call every night to “check in” before they go to bed. They don’t call your parents house to wish you a Merry Christmas. They don’t cuddle with you on the couch and hold your hand in front of their buddies. They don’t look at you the way he looks at me.

11 PM
I tell him I have to get off the phone and go to bed. He says “I’ll check in with you from the road. Be good.” I tell him he hasn’t heard a single word I just said. I hang up. I’m really in a pickle on this one. But you know what? Dick is a dime a dozen and I can find other people to satisfy me just fine if he won’t play by my rules. He has two strikes. One more and he’s done.

Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Truckers

8 AM

I wake Gloves up. He has an appointment at 9 and is going to be late if he doesn’t scurry. We reiterate our plans to BBQ and watch the playoff game this afternoon before we go out tonight. I fall back to sleep.

9:30 AM

My phone rings and it’s Gloves. “You missed me that much?” I laugh. He doesn’t. “What’s wrong?” He has to leave today instead of tomorrow. I think he’s just failing at being funny and tell him to shut up but he’s serious. Crap. This sucks. “When do you think you’ll be back?” I ask. “I dunno. Hopefully in two weeks but it could be six.” Ouch. He tells me to have fun tonight and be good while he’s gone. Always.

9 PM

Stupid Marty Schottenheimer ruins my dreams of a Chargers vs. Packers Superbowl. It’s overtime. You’re out forty yards with a rookie kicker. I love you Nate Kaeding! Total props to my Iowa boy, but please! Why would you not at least TRY for the touchdown? Or at least get this kid some more yards instead of running it up the middle, wasting downs and gaining nothing! And get it in the middle of the field! Don’t leave it on the right hash. And did I mention that it’s raining and the field conditions are sucky? Seriously, you wonder why you lost all your playoff games. Marty ball SUCKS!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

9:30 PM

To the bar with Vagina Jane. LA is there. Haven’t seen him in a while. He’s on me like flies on shit. I’m trying to be polite and friendly but he is really making an ass of himself. First of all, he makes fun of the Charger game. Mistake number one, big guy, mistake number one. A little later he comes up and sits next to me while I watch Preach and Vagina Jane play darts. Now keep in mind we hooked up about four months ago but I’ve seen him maybe three times since then. We’ve been cool but I wasn’t looking for it to happen again. So LA saunters up next to me. (He’s the guy that talks .3453 millimeters from my face like it’s really important and I need to concentrate). We make some small talk and then he gets this sad look on his face and says, “You’ve been giving my shit away?” Oh…no…he…didn’t! “You’re shit?” He grabs my thigh and looks towards my crotch. “My shit. My goods.” I remove his hand. “I didn’t see your name on it last time I checked.” He says, “How you gonna do me like that?” I’m blown away. “Do you like what? We hooked up, once.” LA strokes his hand across my cheek and musters a sad puppy dog face. “I thought you loved me.” Can he be serious? Why, yes, he is. I explain to him that I haven’t even seen him in months. If he was so into me he’d call me. He says he thinks about me every day. “Don’t you think about me?” I shake my head, no. “I’m seeing someone.” It’s not a COMPLETE lie. I see Gloves naked a lot. For a second I think LA might really have a broken heart. I feel bad. He gives me a kiss, half cheek/half lip and walks away without a word.

The DJ is playing. Our cups runneth over. People are starting to crowd in to the bar. Freak Mama asks to talk to me outside for a second. This goes very, very badly. It pisses me off so much I can’t even write about it. I don’t know if that has ever happened to me before in the history of my life. I have only one thing to say about the situation: Fuck Joy and the dirty fucking coke addict whore that she is. Okay, I’m fine. Moving on. Sam, Smoke and Froggie come at the end of the night. Baby Girl runs off at the mouth at two broads and we all stand in the rain watching. I hold her glasses. I always hold her glasses when she’s about to kick somebody’s ass. It’s my duty.

Vagina Jane and I head to the 24-hour food joint and to drunk-gorge ourselves. A guy from the bar shows up and we tease him that he’s following us. A pair of guys comes in as we’re finishing up and start talking to us. The obnoxious one starts eating my french fries and asking us odd questions. We decide we’re done and scurry out the door. Ol’ dude follows us to the car. He’s talking at Vagina Jane through the window, telling her to put it down and give him her number. She’s acting like the window is broken and that she can’t figure out the locks to open the door. He’s just yapping and yapping, trying to exchange digits. She’s faking mouthing stuff back at him. I’m laughing so hard I can hardly start the fucking car. Finally, we start backing out and he finally gives up. Man! Some guys just don’t get it.

A Public Appearance

Can’t make myself get out of bed. Too many shots and dirty talk have me worn out. I call in sick and basically sleep until 3 in the afternoon. Run some errands for Vagina Jane’s birthday party tonight at the bar. Talk to Gloves. He is pissed at his friend. Score another one for me. He says he should be out tonight by 11 or so.

To the bar with Vagina Jane. Dorothy, Freak Mama, Baby Girl, Preach, CC, Sassy, FB, Joy, Asia, Big Pop all make it through for cake and drunken debauchery. Gloves shows up around 10:30. We have a wonderful time. Vagina Jane dances on top of the bar and makes $10 dollars doing it. Sweet! Drunk breakfast money.

To my house with Gloves, Dorothy, Vagina Jane and CC. CC makes us all breakfast. Vagina Jane is happy and heads home. The rest of us sit outside and shoot the shit for a little while. Gloves is being very cute and cuddly. This is not our usual routine and it’s kind of freaking me out. Gloves and I head upstairs and Dorothy and CC take off. As always the sex is wonderful. We pass out around 6:30. He’s not playing by the rules and this is starting to get tricky.

Vagina Jane Is Back In Action

IM with Clingy. He doesn’t ask for my picture again. Although I know he’s dying to meet me. Want to feel it out a little further and make sure he's not a serial killer. I get an email from MOB.

Subject: Sorry. I miss you.
I just wanted to say merry christmas and happy new year. I’ll speak to you soon if you give me the chance.

I reply: “Holidays were great. Hope yours were too.” That’s all I can muster right now.

Head to the bar with Vagina Jane. Woo hoo! First person I see when we walk in the bar is King Andrew. I pretend I don’t notice him. VJ and I go sit at the other end of the bar. VJ asks me who the guy with the staring problem is. I explain that he’s a crazy guy that wants to take me to his island and make me his queen. “Well, he’s freaking me the fuck out. Tell him to stop looking at us.” I avoid his attempts at eye contact and eventually he leaves without a word.

Darts with Preach, FB, Milkshake and Sassy. Darts and drinking, of course. Sassy and FB aren’t really talking. Awkward to say the least. Gloves calls while we’re at the bar. I go outside and talk to him for quite a while. I tell him I have to get back inside with Vagina Jane and promise to call him when I get home.

Home at 1:30. I call Gloves and totally initiate phone sex, which surprises him but turns him on too. At 2:30 I am satisfied and ready for bed. I sleep like a baby.

Ain't No Boyfriend Like A Fake One

Clingy might just get on my nerves. Almost every other time we IM he asks if I have any new pictures. Other than the five you have already seen, um, no. He asks if I took any over Christmas when I went home. Yes, but they weren’t digital and not yet developed. He seems disappointed. Suddenly, I can’t help but picture some sick mother fucker sitting in a room with pictures of internet women plastered all over the walls, stroking his magic love stick. I can’t help it. I have to know.

Me: are you a perv?
Clingy: what?
Me: are you one of those sick bastards that looks at my picture and masturbates?
Clingy: no. why would you say that?
Me: stop asking for my pic. you’re freaking me out.
Clingy: I’m sorry. I just think that you’re beautiful and I love looking at your smile.

Oh lord. Whatever, dude. Dinner with Mary Poppins. Talked to Prince on the way home. He’s still offering to come see me at any time if I wanted to, you know, hit it for ol’ time sake. He’s too funny. Gotta love that guy. And I love sleeping with him. But it’s sometimes too emotional for both of us. So we will lock that thought away in our emergency stash.

I swing by the bar and find Preach and FB. FB is hammered. He can barely stand up. I decide it’s a good time for our dart rematch. I’m an evil bitch like that. Darts aren’t working the best so we sit and talk instead. Before I know it FB is blubbering about Sassy and how he just doesn’t know if it’s going to work and he sometimes feels like…you get the picture. It’s the same thing I was hearing from her on Saturday night. Oh, these two. They’re so cute but they fight a lot. I feel bad. I give him the most unbiased advice I can muster and a kiss on the cheek. Poor lil’ guy. And then he says “You know, you’re the coolest girlfriend I ever had.” I tell him he’ll always be my best fake boyfriend.

Happy Birthday Husband-To-Be

IM’d with Clingy. Talked to Smoke at lunch. Nothing too exciting. I’m still weirded out by my dream about Jas. Maybe Sca and Dorothy are right and he was a ghost. I wish he would stop haunting me.

Another realization is that one of my best friends from back in the day, BS, is turning 29 today. You know that one guy you’ve been friends with for like 15 years? You’ve both taken your turn at having a crush on the other one. You’ve seen each other through heartache and hangovers and breakups and make-ups. He’s seen you without makeup too many times to count. He’s dried your tears and hugged you tightly on the nights you just didn’t think it could get any worse. He assured you it could always be worse and he was usually right. We met in at our lockers my first day of junior high at a new school. I told him his hair looked funny. He had a complex about it for years to come. We grew together through junior high, helped each other barely survive the trials of high school and I even lived with him in his fraternity house for awhile in college. One drunken night in college at the young age of 20 and after seeing “My Best Friends Wedding” we made a deal we would get married when we were 30. I said we should start doing it when we were 28 if we weren’t getting it anywhere else just to make sure that was cool. We shook on it. It seemed like forever away. Man, time flies.

I call him and wish him a happy birthday. I love reminding him that he is six months older than me. We joke about how different our lives are now. He acts like he’s 50 and I act like I’m 21. He still lives within 15 minutes of his entire family. He barely ever dates. He hasn’t had sex in years and he’s perfectly content hunting, fishing and watching sports with his dog at his side for the rest of his life. And keep in mind, he’s hot. He’s a total catch. He could easily get laid if he wanted to. Myself on the other hand, well, we all know what I’ve been up to. BS says he’ll try to come see me this summer. Last time I saw him we ended up in Tijuana drinking too much tequila, taking pictures on donkeys that were painted like zebras and wearing hats that said “Rico”. Anyway, we talk for over an hour and I’m so happy when I get off the phone with him. It’s like hanging out with Jose. There were years in my life when they were the two most important men around. I promise to keep in better touch. I mean, especially if we’re getting married in a year. Ha! Gloves calls as I’m getting ready for bed. He just wanted to check in and see how my day was. We actually have a really good talk. I assure him not to be worried about me. I’m not the fragile, innocent angel he appears to think I am. We bullshit for over an hour until we’re both about to fall asleep on the phone. He says he’s going to try and get home this weekend. I hope he does.

Everyone Has A Popsicle Dream

Still no word from Jas. Smoke and Big Tongue left me messages today. Freak Mama is ticked off at me about New Years. Here’s what I’m trying to explain to her. In case anyone didn’t know…I’m white. I have tits so big that they wobble when I walk. Imagine what that looks like if I’m trying to do the cha-cha. I barely dance drunk. I sure as hell don’t dance sober. Now I might make an effort if the guys Freak Mama and Joy were dancing with would’ve been closer to 30 than 60 and hot instead of gross. But they weren’t. I was tired. I was worried about Dorothy. I’m not all that fond of Joy anyway and this whole situation didn’t help. I didn’t mean to act funny. I just wasn’t in the mood. She hears nothing that I say. Whatever.

Sam sends me a text. Sam is not one for words and we’re more the “run into each other” type of friends rather than the “initiate contact” type.

Sam: whats the bizness?
Me: whats going on?
Sam: where you at?
Me: home.
Sam: what u doing?
Me: working. you?
Sam: chillin with my boy.
Me: anyone I know?

It is someone I know but no one I care to see. He asks what I’m about to do and I tell him I’m getting ready for bed. He calls to peer pressure me and let me know they want to come over and hang out. This makes no sense to me whatsoever and I’m too tired to deal so I reiterate that I’m going to bed. He asks where Dorothy is. I tell him she’s probably home in bed too. I pop two sleeping pills and call it a night. I miss a call from Smoke at 2 AM. I’m too busy dreaming that Jas comes walking into the bar one night, frantically searching for me and telling me how he was abducted and couldn’t get to me but he thought about me every day. He sweeps me into his arms and kisses me and everyone is watching but we don’t care. I wake up drooling all over my pillow and realizing I’m still alone and Jas is nowhere to be found. I’m actually started by this. It was so real. I could almost feel him there. It’s like the Popsicle dream I used to have when I was little during the really hot summer nights. In my dream I was lying in the yard of my childhood home, my sister, brother and my dog are next to me. The sun is scorching hot. Our swimming pool is empty. There is a canteen around the dogs next but no water in it. The river is running thick with mud. It feels like we’re going to spontaneously combust. My sister starts crying and I close my eyes to figure out a plan. And suddenly I’m cold. In fact, I’m freezing. I’m in my grandma’s kitchen, standing inside her deep freeze where I have discovered a box of cherry Popsicles. I take it out and put it in my mouth and it’s the most delicious and refreshing taste in the entire world. I hand one to my siblings. Our tongues and lips are soon red and we are laughing and I have saved the day. And I can taste this Popsicle like nothing in my life. Every drop of it tingles my taste buds. I wake up licking my lips only to find there was no Popsicle. And unfortunately, tonight, there was no Jas.

Tell Me You Are Not That Stupid

I watch football in the afternoon and then meet Milkshake at the bar. She is drunk by the time I get there. I fight hard to catch up. We play some darts. Froggie and Smoke come and we shoot some pool. Baby Girl, Big Pop and Fort Dodge come through. I spend the last of the night talking to them and wondering how I’ve already run out of cigarettes. I say I’m going to head home but Big Pop takes my keys. I slam a couple glasses of water, talk some more shit and then beg Big Pop to give me my keys so I can go. Milkshake calls to tell me she got home okay. I complain to her that Big Pop won’t give me my keys back and I have to work in a few hours. She gets on the phone and I hear him laughing. “She has her keys. I gave them back to her five minutes ago.” Oops, my bad. There they are in my pocket. I decide I best get home and get some rest.

I try calling Gloves. He doesn’t answer. I hang up and try to figure out who else I can call to entertain me. Tiny? Smoke? MOB? King Andrew? Unfortunately none of those sound appealing at this point. Five minutes later, as I make my way upstairs to my bedroom Gloves calls me back. I ask if he wants to come over. He says he can’t. He sounds funny and I ask what’s wrong. Why is he whispering? He says he has company. What? She’s asleep. No, you did not just call me while your friend sleeps in your bed. You’re not that stupid. Right? Right? Wrong. I am fuming. Not only for myself but also for her and all of womankind. This sparks a nearly two hour debate that I can barely remember and am pretty sure I did not really win.

I'm The Only Person In The World Not Hung-Over

Cleaned the house and thought about Gloves. The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became. Decided to head to the bar to clear my head. The place is dead. Apparently the rest of America is recovering from their crazy and exciting New Years Eve. Drank with Sassy and M. Sassy is having some FB issues as well. We spent the night bitching about men, slamming blowjob shots and talking shit.

I find my bed at 2:30 and am awakened by my phone. It’s Fury. He’s hammered and we talk for a while but I can’t stay awake. I’ve only slept about three hours in the last few days. He keeps asking me if I’m awake. I think he said he’d call me back later.