My Turn For Interrogation?

I take Von home at 6:30 in the morning. He calls at 8:30 to wish me a good day. I’m dead tired at work. Not just, man I wanna go home tired but nodding off and spilling my water all over my desk tired.

Vagina Jane wants to go out again. Of course I can’t turn that bitch down. She reminds me she only has four days to party before the hubby returns. We get to the bar and Von is waiting for us, with his brother/best friend/current roommate, No Love. I’m expecting No Love to give me the third degree but he’s actually really cool. Says he’s heard a lot of good things about me, blah, blah, blah. We teach him how to play darts. He holds his own okay. He leaves early to go take care of the wifey. FB steps in as Vagina Jane’s partner. Baby Girl, Fort Dodge, Big Pop and company are there. Fort Dodge is drunk and doing her “I was born to be a stripper” dance. It’s quite a sight. I see the “love of her life”, Snake, enter. He’s a shady asshole who lives with his other girlfriend and three kids. He pretends as if she’s not even there. But he definitely sees Vagina Jane there. He’s eyeing her like a cat in a mice store. He tries talking to her a couple times. She keeps laughing him off. Then he approaches again. This time he’s leaning in and trying to whisper in her ear. She’s leaning back and back, about to crawl over the bar. She tells him no thanks. She tells him she’s married. I’m about to tell him his breath stinks. At first Von and I are laughing. I get the tiny “help me” kick and spring to action. I tell him she’s married and is not interested. He calls me a cockblocker. That title has no damper on me. I happily agree that I am indeed a cockblocker and I’m good at it so he should probably just move along. He does for a couple minutes but then comes back AGAIN! Von asks if I want him to say something. I tell him we’ll take care of it. No need getting any more testosterone involved for gods sake. Again, we tell him that she’s not interested and it’s not going to happen. He starts talking about how he wants to lick her pussy and fuck her all night long. As if this is a turn-on and she will sudden leap from her bar stool naked and spread eagle, tackling him onto the pool table and ravaging him. Dude, please. It only repulses us more.

And here’s the thing. Even if she weren’t married, and was desperately single, ugly with boils on her face and horny to boot, she would never pick him to hook up with. He’s a creep. There’s a reason they call him Snake. Finally he walks away. We decide it’s time to get the heck out of dodge because he’s so sleezy. As we’re walking out he says “There goes the hater-parade.” Yep, if it’s easier on your ego to pretend that I’m a master cockblocker and it has nothing to do with the fact you suck, suit yourself, dude. But then he mumbles something else. I don’t hear it. Jami doesn’t hear it. But I feel Von rip his hand out of my grasp and turn back to Snake. “What the fuck did you say, man?” They start yelling at each other. Big Pop and Baby Girl jump in the middle. Vagina Jane and I drag Von outside to the car. Fort Dodge comes running out to apologize. I tell her how fucking uncool that was and why it happened. “Your man was trying to fuck Vagina Jane and when we told him to get lost he decided to start talking shit.” Her face falls. She takes off for her car. I start to back up when I see Snake exit the bar and run towards the car. He’s coming after Von. Von tries jumping out of the car but luckily I have safety locks and a foot made of lead. I peel out and down the street. I ask Von to tell me what Snake said that said him off. He’s so pissed he can’t even repeat it. Vagina Jane thanks him for defending our honor and goes home. We have a smoke in the garage to cool down but it doesn’t work. He is hot as hell but still refuses to tell me what Snake said. By Von’s reaction I can tell it had to have been pretty bad. I assure him that it won’t hurt my feelings. I know who I am and I’m sure I’ve been called worse. Besides, Snake doesn’t know shit about me and I could care less what he thinks of me. He refuses to share. We go to bed. I let him think it’s over. I’ll just find out another way.

As we’re crawling into bed Big Tongue calls. I hit ignore, as always. Right now I just want to settle down my knight in shining armor.