How Low Can One Sink?

Before I start my rant for the day I have some good news. MNS emailed me this morning and said his phone would be on in the next two to three hours. I figured I would believe that when I saw it and did not get my hopes up. I asked him if he was ok since our emails the last two days have been kind of short. He said "I've been busy at work but everything is good. Why wouldn't it be? I got you! :)" Ok, that should tide me over for the morning. I get to thinking that this could be a big weekend for us. The phone is on and he's supposed to go get his new truck this weekend. That's two out of three things we needed to happen for things to be all gravy for us. Once this weekend is done, he just needs to find a place to live and we will actually be able to be together. The thought of it makes my head wanna pop right off my shoulders. I've waited so long and it's getting closer and closer. I think only dogs and sonic radar can hear the squeel of delight I am doing right now.

Anyway, on to the topic of the day. This is a touchy subject for a lot of people I care about but it's one that I want to address anyway. I used to have this friend, we'll call her The Other Woman. She fell in love with a guy at her work that had a girlfriend. This is not her crime and the reason most of us eventually had to cut her out of our lives. The problem was this guy was a complete asshole to her, had no intentions of ever leaving his girlfriend, totally used her for smokes, money, sex and didn't care about her at all. Unfortunately, her love for him blinded the fact that as far as he was concerned she was nothing but an easy piece of ass on the side. Everyone could see it but her. We all told her. I think she knew it as well because she would never tell him how she felt or ask him to leave the other woman. She was simply going to bide her time being his fling and hope that someday he realized he loved her and leave his girlfriend. It's an age old story, really, but it takes a very interesting twist and this is where it gets really jacked up.

So once the girlfriend finds out about The Other Woman, jackass fights to get her back. He tells The Other Woman that they have to stop talking and that he loves his girlfriend. This does not deter her. He straight out tells her he would pick his girlfriend over her and she doesn't care. He is unable to win his girlfriend back. Perhaps The Other Woman thought he would now be with her? I'm sure I would have the same hopes. Although, I would hope that someone would bitch slap me and ask why I would want to be his second choice. Anyway...

Instead of being with The Other Woman, guess what jackhole does after he mends from losing his live in girlfriend? He goes and gets ANOTHER girlfriend who also happens to be a co-worker of his and The Other Woman. Now, if a woman has an iota of a brain or self-respect or any one that loves and cares about her, she is going to realize that he is a complete mother fucker and doesn't give a shit about her, right? Well, blame it on whatever you want but she didn't. He passed her over when he became single and sought out someone else. Someone she would have to see him with daily. I should also add that she never minded playing along like they were just friends. When he had girlfriend #1, The Other Woman acted like they were super buddies. Imagine the girlfriends shock when the truth was exposed? I'm guessing it was much like girlfriend #2's last weekend. Jackhole and The Other Woman's affair had continued on the side despite his new girlfriend that he picked over her. Apparently last weekend at a party, that Jackhole went to with Girlfriend #2, she caught him having sex with The Other Woman in the hot tub. Now here's where a million questions come to my mind that I want to address.

I'm not even going to address the question of who has sex in a hot tub at a party where people are watching and the girlfriend #2 is inside? And my sources say that the person that owns the hot tub has children that probably frequently use the hot tub. Ewww.

I guess I'm just blown away. How can you hate yourself and think so low of yourself that you accept this situation to continue? I fully admit that my affair with MNS is twisted and wrong on every moral and ethical level I know. I will be the first to say that. But I guarantee you this, if his wife found out and left him and he decided to be with someone else, other than me, I would kick his ever living ass all over the tri-state area. I would never look at, speak to, or think about that fuck face again. Period. My used to be friend The Other Woman has watched him lose two girlfriends while keeping her on the side. At what point do you not realize you are NEVER going to be the girlfriend? He doesn't want you in any capacity but an easy lay. He thinks of you as nothing. You mean nothing to him. He obviously cares nothing about you. I'm angry for her. I'm angry at her. Oddly, I'm not that angry at him. He's going to continue to do this to her over and over because she will let him. As Ronnie always says, don't hate the player, hate the game.

I'm not gonna lie...the bitch in me laughed outloud at her stupidity when I heard the latest. But then friend in me that used to love her dearly wanted to cry because I wonder if I ever really knew this person at all. The Other Woman I knew was not an emotional cutter. She was smart and beautiful and way to good to put herself through this time and time again. I mean, for fuck sake, he's not even lying to you and telling you that you two will be together some day. Why are you wasting your life on this piece of shit?

Had MNS said to me, "yes, babe, I'm married and we'll never be together but I'd sure like to have fun with you whenever I feel like it because you're a mighty great lay" do you think he would still be breathing? Hell no!! I have no idea what our future holds once he leaves her. I hope for the best, of course, because that's what he's led me to believe will be, and that's what I want. And right now, all I can do is trust his promises. But trust and know that I do love myself and I have respect and self-worth and if he ever tried to pull anything remotely close to that on me, I would erase him from my life so fast, some would never even know he existed.

Letting Him Take Care Of Business

MNS said something to me the other day that struck a cord. Not necessarily in a bad way but it brought up a few feelings I should probably explore. We were talking about his phone and him finding a place and a new car and what not so he can leave the wifey. I offered to do something and he didn't get mad, I've yet to see any real temper out of him at all, but he was very stern in saying "This is my problem and I have to take care of it. You can't fix it." This hit me for a number of reasons. One being that I'm a chronic fixer and always have been. I always get burned but it doesn't stop me. I'm a cancer and it's my nurture nature to want to help those in need and "fix" things for them. It makes me feel useful and loved. I'm much more aware of it now but it's still hard to stop that urge.

It also made me think about that book I was reading last week and how it said that men have to take care of themselves and if they feel they can't take care of their life, then they can't have a healthy relationship because they don't feel they can provide for and protect those they love. This is what happened to Von and I. I can see that now. At the time I just wanted to help him, like I assumed he would help me, but I didn't realize I was taking away his masculinity. When he told me that me fixing things made him feel like less of a man I just thought he was being a pansy and a jackass. Had he stepped up to do things I wouldn't have had to fix stuff. Von claims I never gave him time to fix things. So I'm not patient. That's no news flash. I never have been. If something needs to be done I just do it. Perhaps I am too independent to be in a serious relationship? I'm never going to need a man again, Von made sure of that. So have I made myself too strong and too independent that no man will ever stay with me? I'm not sure. I'm going to try my best to let MNS fix all of this on his own and prove to me that he is the man that is worth waiting for and being with. Maybe letting someone prove that to me will make me more apt to stay and work things out? The last few years, MNS excluded, I never give any one enough time or chances to prove themselves to me. I am quick to walk at the first sign of trouble because I don't want to waste time. If the man I meet isn't already the man I need and have his shit together, I will bolt like 3000 watts of electricity because I know if there is a problem, I am better off just fixing it myself.

The weird thing is, I want MNS to take care of all this stuff on his own. I just wish it was on my time table. I want him to be happy and confident in himself so that we can be together. I want him to force himself to be the man he wants to be without my prodding or him feeling like he owes it to me. I want him to do this for him and not for me. Yes, I will benefit from it but I think I finally understand what many have told me over the years. Of course, understanding it and actually following through with what is the right thing to do and minding my own business are two totally different stories. I am going to try though. That's all I can do. I just hope he doesn't take too long to get his life in order. I mean, really, how hard is that? A few days tops, right? Hee hee. I kid, I kid. I'm giving him two months. It doesn't have to be finished by then but I at least need to see some significant progress.

So Close I Can Almost Taste It...

SUNDAY
I talk to Tre and Marine a few times. I'm too tired to really engage in valid conversation so they can take it or leave it. Fucking rebound shows up at our apartment at 2:30 in the morning, banging on the door, wondering why I keep hanging up on him. Huh? I look at his phone and see that he has juxtaposed the first three digits of my phone number and has been terrorizing someone else that doesn't want to talk to him. I ream his ass for showing up at our door at that hour and waking us up. He's drunk and clearly can't drive. I let him stay. As soon as I do I regret this because the guy snores like a freakin' buzz saw. He is out in a matter of minutes and I stare at the clock and watch it tick towards 5:30 AM. Rebound keeps trying to cuddle up on me and eventually I am almost hanging off the side of the bed. I throw a few elbows and roll him to the opposite side. I am annoyed out of my ever living mind.

MONDAY
I kick Rebound out at 6 AM. I haven't slept for shit and I need to get ready for work. He asks if he can see me this week. I tell him after the stunt he pulled last night that is highly unlikely. Tre starts texting me as I'm leaving for work. It's a rainy day and he's thinking we should hangout and watch movies and skip work. I tell him I don't know him like that and in my head I'm thinking, if I'm skipping work on a rainy day, it's for MNS and no one else. Tre asks if he can meet me Wednesday or Thursday night. I tell him I will get back to him.

I feel like crap and I'm going on no sleep. I decide that I need to go home and get some rest. As I'm getting ready to leave work MNS starts emailing me. We decide that he will come over during his lunch so we can talk. I haven't seen him in two weeks and I am dying too.

11:30

I'm sitting in my room when I hear MNS knock. He comes in and says hello. I walk out and laugh at him. Did you just knock? He smiles. "I know, I'm full of surprises." He grabs me into a tight hug and gives me a kiss. I stand there a few moments and just take it in. "Man, I have missed you" he whispers in my ear. I couldn't agree more.

We head to my room and things are very different than last time. Maybe I'm just paranoid or imagining it but I don't think I was. Now, this is going to sound disgusting and mushy, I realize, but it's true. Even though he was on a schedule and needed to get back to work we didn't tear each others clothes off and hop into bed. We talked for awhile, kissed for awhile, talked some more, kissed some more. It was all very chill. There wasn't any rush today. The sex was flippin' unbelievable...and different as well. It was hands down the best sex we've ever had and we've had some awesome sex. Something was changing and for the better.

Afterwards while we cuddled I asked him what he thought he was going to do as far as moving out. He says the only thing that stops him from moving in with us is that he doesn't want to crowd us or impose. I told him that Yommey and I had talked about it at length and don't see it being a problem but that it was completely up to him. He says it sure would be nice to see you everyday and wake up next to you. Really? Did you steal those thoughts from my head? Weird. He is hoping to get a vehicle this weekend so one out of two issues would be down. Once he gets that and figures out where to stay he can move out. I tell him I really hope it's before my birthday. He says he's hoping it's before his. I am squeeling with delight inside. His birthday is less than a month away. That would be freakin' phenomenal!! I bring up that he said he has been talking to his mom about leaving. He says that she's really religious (I already know this because I saw her facebook page) and that she is not an advocate of divorce but she's still his mom and wants to see him happy. She told him to heavily weigh the pros and cons and then make the best decision for him. Then this goes down and completely freaks me out:

Me: she doesn't know about me, does she?
MNS: well, yeah.
(I almost choke and I feel the blood rushing to my face in fear)
Me: What?
MNS: I didn't give her intimate details or anything but she knows about you and us.
Me: You said she's really religious.
MNS: She is but she's still my mom.
Me: She's going to hate me and think I'm a homewrecking hussy.
He laughs, probably just to annoy me.
MNS: She see's how happy you make me. So does my son. He said this weekend that I seem different and happier.
Me: And?
MNS: And that's because of you and that every day we get closer to me being free to be with you.
Me: Wow. You didn't tell him about me, did you?
MNS: No, he's 9.
Me: Thank god.
MNS: Well, what did your parents say when you told them about me?
Hmmm...now this is getting weirder.
Me: I haven't.
His smile fades.
MNS: Why? I thought you were really tight with your family?
Me: I am but this isn't my situation to fix. I'm hoping when they meet you that it will be later and they will never have to know that I was part of an affair with a married man.
MNS: They are gonna know.
Me: Yes, they will know. I'm not gonna lie to them about it. But it would be better for me if the fact we met while you were married is more of an after thought and not the main focus right now.
He thinks on this for a second and I can tell he's a little bothered.
MNS: Ok.
Me: Besides, who said you were ever gonna be lucky enough to meet my family? Because I'm going to avoid your mother like the plague!!!
I laugh. He smacks me with the pillow and rolls on top of me.
MNS: It would be so easy to just stay here with you all day.
Me: Ok, please do.
I give him my best puppy dog eyes but they never work on him.

Eventually he has to leave and I walk him out. He gives me a few more kisses and hugs and says he will talk to me soon. He walks out and I know that he totally knows I love him and maybe that drunk email wasn't such a bad thing. He knows and I think he's very happy about it. And that's good enough for me right now.

Conversations That Shouldn't Go Down Over Email But Do

FRIDAY
MNS tells me he is going to try to get off work early so he can come see me and we can talk before I leave town. He doesn't. Tre and Marine are both emailing and texting me that they would like to meet soon. I will delay this as long as I need to. Both are fine to talk to but my heart is with MNS. Friday night I get hammered with Sissy and Yommey and the next morning as I'm scrolling through my drunk outgoing texts/calls and emails I see one to MNS. It says "baby, it's too bad you don't love me like I loved you. Have a good one. I'm out." What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really send him an email telling him I love him? That's just great. I'm sure he won't run, screaming down the street away from me now. Nothing like scaring a man off, right? And via email? When I'm sloshed? Very classy. Ugh.

SATURDAY
I send MNS an email and tell him to disregard any drunk emails from the night before. As if he could just forget that he read the words I wrote and that it contained the "L" word. Within an hour I get a response to my long email to him. It pops up on my phone and I look at Yommey. "I can't deal with this right now." I'm in an emotional state today already and I don't want to read that it's over between us and I scared the crap out of him. She tells me I can do it so I open it up.

Oh so your a drunk e-mailer? lol. I got crazy busy yesterday sorry about that. I did want to see you. As for your long e-mail that you sent me I want to explain a few things. Yes, I am going to leave her and I have not changed my mind. Actually things are getting crazier and I really have to get out to keep my sanity. I need to get a place to live, of course, and then I need to get a vehicle. We have two. One is a piece of crap and the other is ok so I need to get a vehicle so that when I leave I will have my own transportation. And yes I would like to see where we can go but I need to get out of my current situation. I can't keep dragging you in to this mess. If you can't wait or don't want to wait I completely understand. I realize it is a messed up situation but I hope that you do.
I just need to get out and get my own place and a vehicle and then things will be great and we can really be together. I can't give you a definite time frame. I have been discussing it with my mom and it will be sometime in the near future. I hope I have answered some of your questions. I will talk to you soon.

Ok, that could've went much worse. I respond to him and tell him that I hope it is soon and that I will try to wait, it's not easy but I think we are worth it. Then I do something crazy, even by my standards. I tell him that if he needs to get out he can always crash with us until he can find a place. I realize the situation would not be ideal but if it gets him out of there and into my arms, well, I don't care. He replies with "thank you. that means a lot!!! more than you will ever know." We will see how that turns out. I highly doubt that he will be moving in any time soon but I just wanted him to know the option was there if it had to come down to that. I know what you're thinking. And no, I haven't lost my freakin' mind. It wouldn't be like we were moving in together. It would be him crashing with me and Yommey until he can get his own place. That's it. Plus, the guys never home between work and softball and bowling and basketball. It's not like we'd notice him around much. But I would get to wake up next to him and see him every day and that would be a fucking dream come true. It would let me know right away if this has a future or not. If he snores and chews with his mouth open, doesn't take out the trash and refuses to put the toilet seat down...those are good things to know. Also, it wouldn't be a permenant situation. It's a few weeks tops and then he can get his own place and Yommey and I can move into our house and MNS can visit whenever he wants. That was a lot of ands...

Are You For Real?!?!

Ok, so remember how I poured my heart out to MNS in my letter to him Tuesday? How I pretty much told him I love him and don't want to live without him but I will if I have to? That he needs to give me the things I need and a timeline on when we can really be together? Well, I didn't expect a reply for a few days. My friends made their wagers on the day he would reply and Yommey won. He replied last night and I almost wish he hadn't. When my phone alerted me I had an email from him I almost had a coronary. I was scared to read it but there was no reason to be. Here's what he wrote to my long and beautiful email that I spent hours on. Prepare yourself...

MNS: I will get back to you on that tomorrow. Miss you!!

What in the flying fuck?! That's it? That's all you got? I will get back to you tomorrow? I'm not asking for a reservation for two at a fancy restaurant! I'm asking for your heart and your soul and a commitment to us and you will get back to me on that tomorrow? I am completely flabbergasted. I'm speechless and we know that never happens. I know he's probably getting ready to leave work and thought he was doing a good thing by recognizing that he got the email and planned to reply but dang! I write him back.

Me: Are you for real? I just poured my heart out to you. Wow. Well I guess I will wait for tomorrow for a response and by tomorrow you better not mean in five days.

Yommey, Apprentice and Fair all think it's a good thing. How can this be a good thing? I'm bafflfed. They see it as positive that he acknowledged receiving the email and that he did plan to respond when he had time or after he could think about it. Plus, he could've just wrote, I'm sorry, I can't. So I guess that's kind of true. But for me, I just want to know and I want to know now. Yes, you can do it or no you can't. And the "miss you!"...well, that's just mean. Keeping me strung along when you know how much I adore you. He knows I miss him every single flippin' day. I feel like now he's just toying with me. And he should miss me. I haven't heard shit from him since Friday and that was another two liner. You're about to miss me in a big way, mister, if you don't pull your head out of your ass and get a plan. We will see if he actually does "get back to me" on it or not today. If he's smart, he will and it will be well past a two sentence email and explanation, unless it just says "I left her last night. I'm all yours." That's about the only two sentence response I'm going to accept at this point.

Because Steve Harvey Said I Can

MONDAY
I've been reading a book on dating by Steve Harvey. I'm inspired, I'm devastated, I'm humbled and my eyes are open. I didn't hear from MNS at all over the weekend. Not that this is different from any other weekend, mind you, but he had told me Friday that he would call me Saturday morning so we could get together. I'm upset. And the more I read in this book the more upset I get. MNS doesn't love me. As much as we both want to pretend he does, if this book is even close to true on how men think, then we have nothing. I think about it all day long. I vow if he doesn't contact me before I leave work I am going to take some advice from the book and lay it on the line for him. I don't hear from him and I follow through on my vow.

TUESDAY
I write it. I read it over and over. I write some more. I read it again and again. I know that sending this is probably sealing my fate and ending a very important chapter in my life that is MNS. I don't believe deep in my heart that he can come through on the things I need. If I tell him outloud that I need them and he doesn't come through, then I have no choice but to walk away, even though it will mean a broken heart. But I know that my heart cannot mend from MNS until I deal with the reality of us. This is what I wrote him. I'm not sure what I expect him to answer or when. I figure it will take two or three days. And then I will be forced to start to heal and move on. At this point I'm not sure anything he could reply could save us.


MNS-
Obviously, I would've rather had this talk in person but that doesn't seem feasible lately so here it is. Please read this and let me know what's up.

Things I Know...

I know that you’re busy, you are stressed and you have a lot on your plate. So do I.
I know that you say you care about me and “us” and that you will leave her.
I know that no matter how busy I am, I will make time for you. I know that if you felt the same as me, you would too. Even if you couldn’t give me a night or a weekend or a nooner, you could find two minutes to text, IM, email or call…if you wanted to.
I know you are trying to tie up loose ends. I know because you’ve been telling me we’ll be together when “the time is right”. I’ve been hearing that for almost 20 months. Nearly two years. That’s a lot of time. I don’t know what’s taking so long because you won’t tell me. I’m starting to think it could be another two years before you’re ready.
I know I can’t wait that long. I know I shouldn’t have to. I have been more than patient and understanding. I know what I need but I don’t know if you can or are willing to give it to me. I have no idea how you feel about me these days or if you feel anything at all.
I know I want you and I want to give us a try but I can’t half-ass it anymore.
I know that there are always options and we can figure out any problem, no matter how big or how small, if you let us. I know you don’t have to do this alone and that I’m here for you and I hope you know that too. I know that I think you are amazing and strong and kind and you make me feel wonderful.
I know I'm not at all scared of what our future holds but I’m scared of never having a chance to show you what happiness is.
I know I deserve more than having to share you.
I know you have the best of intentions and don’t want to hurt me. I don’t think you realize how much not having you tears me up. Empty promises of how you will try and how much you miss me and that you will make time for me and we will be together in time do not keep me warm at night they only make me feel worse when you break them.
I know I don’t want to take you away from your work, playing sports, watching them, hanging out with the guys, your family, your friends or your son. I don’t want to change any of that but I would like to be a part of some of it.
I’m not asking you for the world. I just want you to call when you say you will and keep me in the loop and make time for me. I need to feel like I matter to you. I want to work towards something with you.
I know that I’m in denial of our reality so I’m just going to put it out there and ask you to answer me honestly.
If you want to be free of her and with me, then what is the plan? What is the time line? What do you need to get done before that can happen? If you really want out, finding you a place to live is easy and we can take care of that. At least you'd be out of the house and free until you can file for the divorce. There are options.
Do you care about me or am I simply a brilliant distraction from the misery of home and a place you can escape to?
Can you show me that I matter to you and you don’t want to lose me?
I want to be able to spend our birthdays together and watch you play softball and take a weekend to go to Green Bay and go on a date together and just one morning wake up next to you. I think I’ve earned that.
I want to know when I can have these things. A month? Six months? Another year or two? I don’t need it tomorrow but I need to know that’s the end goal and that you want it to and are seriously working for it. If it’s not and you don’t, then I know that I have to try to move on, no matter how much I will miss you.
And if you’ve changed your mind and you are not planning on leaving her, then you need to tell me that, no matter how much it’s going to hurt because I can’t keep putting my life on hold for someone who will never be mine.

And that's it. That's all I can say to him. That's all I can give him at this point if he can't give anything to me.

I get a text from Mob that simply says "Smile, your beautiful!" I needed that this afternoon. It felt good to read it and I tell him that. He replies "You don't need anybody to tell you that, boo. You and the girls are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm pretty sure your family and friends feel the same way. You are truly a blessing to anyone who knows you. I love you." As dysfunctional as Mob and me are, sometimes I need him to lift me up like that. I need to know someone loves me, even if he's thousands of miles away.

Dom calls me a few times during the day and convinces me to bring my car into his work so he can look at it. I know it's just an excuse for him to see me but it does need a touch-up, so I go. I could've walked out of that shop with a brand new ride and not paid a penny if I wanted to. If I wanted to use Dom like that and give him what he wanted but I can't. I adore Dom as a friend, and yes, I tease him when I feel like it to keep him in my pocket, but I won't use him for things like that.

They Are Coming From Everywhere

Rebound calls me Thursday afternoon. He says he is hoping to see me soon. I tell him that we can probably arrange something. It's kind of nice to hear his voice, although I don't know why. Perhaps it's only because I've gotten like two emails from MNS that day and I'm starving for attention.

FRIDAY
I get a text from Hazel Eyes telling me how much he misses me and thinks about me every day and that I am so cool and so sweet and he wishes he could see me again. I find this odd and out of the blue but it's nice to read. I like making an impact on people. Little do I realize that the text from Hazel Eyes opens a flood gate of contact from others I've known in the past.

I get one email from MNS the entire day. It says "today is stupid busy. I will get ahold of you tomorrow morning so we can get together." I highly doubt that I will hear from him but hope that I am wrong.

I chat with Mason via text in the evening. Q texts and I don't answer, same as I haven't answered him in weeks. Ronnie calls while I'm drinking wine on the porch and we spend half an hour laughing and catching up. It's my favorite call of the day.

I lie down in bed and my phone starts going crazy. The first call is Rebound. He asks if he can take me out tomorrow night. I remind him that my family will be in town and that I am hanging out with them and that rules out Sunday as well. He's not giving up that easy though. He asks if he can come see me tonight when he gets off work then. I look at the clock. I tell him I can try to stay awake. He says if he can come over he will leave work early to come see me. In the short 20 minutes it takes him to get to my house Dom calls twice, Hazel Eyes and Shorty text me and Dutchboy starts texting me as well. Dutchboy wants to have phone sex and I tell him he's retarded and if he's looking for that he can call a 900 number and pay $1.99 a minute. What the hell makes them all try to contact me in the same half hour?

Rebound walks in the door and gives me a huge hug and kiss. He talks excitedly about how much he missed me this week and how beautiful I look. Really? I'm in NFL's old torn and tattered t-shirt, my hair is in braids, I have washed my make up off and I have my glasses on. I'm sure I look smoking hot, dude. Rebound honestly doesn't seem to notice. We tussle in the bed for awhile and then talk. I'm falling asleep as he blabs on and on and I'm having a hard time focusing and answering his questions. Finally, he catches on and rises to get dressed. He's still asking questions while he gets his stuff together and I'm totally zoning out. He apologizes for keeping me up so late but is glad I let him come over.

I don't hear from MNS Saturday morning. I'm not shocked. I am, however, insanely pissed off that I'm not shocked and that I have become accustomed to his flakiness and lack of follow through. What has happened to me? Why do I put up with his shit? Who have I become?

Someone Get This Man His Cell Phone!!!

Since our nooner on Monday MNS has been pretty on point. We go from jackshit last week to hearing from him every day this week, as it should be, I might add. I fear I'm about to see him on the evening news if the phone company doesn't get his phone figured out ASAP. It was supposed to be on Monday, then they said Tuesday because they had to "port" his number if he wanted to keep it. Whatever the hell that means. Last night he emailed me and said he's about to tell them to kiss his ass, if that's ok with me. I have to laugh at this because I had told him that he better not be kissing up on anyone else so he asks permission to let the phone company kiss his ass. I tell them they should kiss his ass and he should leave the fun places to kiss for me. Today we are trying to figure out when we can see each other next. We've both been working ridiculous hours and my family is coming to town this weekend. We are hoping for a nooner tomorrow or a possible play date Saturday afternoon. I'm hoping for the nooner. A-because it's sooner and B-because I've never gotten to see him on a weekend and I fear if we plan for that it won't work out. He could always join me Saturday night if he wanted to meet and hang with the family. Ha! Oh man, sometimes I totally crack me up.

I haven't heard from Rebound since Monday. I'm ok with that for now. I wouldn't have time for him this week with my work schedule and then he would just feel more blown off. Of course, if MNS disappears again anytime soon then I will be completely annoyed with Rebound for disappearing. I know MNS thinks my pockets are clear and I do feel kind of bad for my hook-up Saturday night. Then I remind myself that he is married and although he wants me all to himself and says I'm all his, that's not the reality of the situation yet.

I hadn't heard from Q in awhile and was hoping that he had finally given up and deleted my number. Unfortunately, he has not and he text me today to tell me good morning. I don't respond. I haven't responded to him in weeks since I told him to leave me alone. If he texts me again I might respond with "who is this?" That should cut a little bit and maybe make him retire for good. Who knows though. The kid's head seems to be made of bricks.

I'm bored at lunch so I decide I will entice MNS a little bit, as if he needs more persuading to want to sleep with me. I take a picture on my phone of my thighs and send it to him in an email entitled "riddle". Inside it I write "do you know what this is a picture of? do you know what I want between them?" Totally cheesy with just a dash of trashy but trust me, he will love it.

It's Raining, It's Pouring...In More Ways Than One

MONDAY
I wake up to the sound of rain pittering against my window. It's dark and dreary and I desperately want to stay in bed. I think of how nice it would be to spend the day cuddling with MNS. Then I remember that MNS sucks the goat and I remind myself that he's too busy blowing me off. I get up and shower and drive to work in the rain.

Pella, Muscles and Shorty all send me IM's in the morning. I chit chat a bit and then tell them I need to get back to work. Shorty wants to get together soon. I tell him my week is already booked and my family is coming this weekend. Perhaps next week? Mason texts me to see how my Easter was. Hazel Eyes sends me a text that catches me a little off guard. It says "I really miss you. I wish I was there. I like you so much. I think about you all the time. U r so sweet and cool." I haven't seen Hazel Eyes since about last year at this time. We've talked off and on since then but, really? Odd. The dudes hot, I'll give him that. Let him pine for me. If he makes a trip here to see me I wouldn't slam the door in his face. Let's just put it that way.

MNS emails me to ask how my Easter was, how my day is going and to tell me he is getting a new phone tomorrow so we can chat. I write back and say my weekend was crazy and Easter was good. He asks if that's it. Is anything new with me? I say nothing's new and tell him to have a good day. Apparently he was wanting more of my usual sappy, stupid and hanging on his every word reaction. I just didn't have it in me this morning. He responds with "Don't be upset with me, babe." I tell him I'm not upset and leave it at that. He replies "Just for the record, I love talking with you and doing other things with you. I like the texting and talking we do. Every thought of you brightens my day. I just want you to know that. Anyway, not much going on here, bored at work." I don't respond. He writes me again and says that he knows I'm mad and I need to just talk to him. This is funny to me since I'm always the one preaching communication. I tell him that I'm angry. I tell him he made me three promises last week and he broke every one of them. He didn't put the minutes on his phone, he didn't come see me on Sunday and he said I would never go 10 days without him again. That's why I'm angry. He responds that if his calculations are correct that today is day 10 and he still has 13 hours to make it right. Technically, this is day 10. He asks me to meet him over lunch. I mull this over for about, oh, three full minutes before I agree.

MNS walks in and I melt like a Cadburry egg on a 145 degree sidewalk. He says he wants to show me just how much he missed me...and he does. Of course it's amazing, as usual but it doesn't solve anything. We shoot the shit and cuddle for awhile. I don't want to leave his arms. My throat is dry and I have a minor coughing fit. He asks if I'm ok. I say I'm dying. He tells me that I can't. "Can't what? Die? Why?" I ask and laugh. "Because then what would I do?" He kisses me. "I don't know, get another mistress?" He pulls me in for a tight squeeze against his naked body. "I don't want anyone but you. You're all I want." I'm now the mushy goo on the bottom of a shoe that was once a Cadburry Egg on the sidewalk. We kiss and cuddle and laugh and complain about having to leave each other and go back to work. I hold on to him as long as I can, not knowing when I will see him again. He knows why I do it and tells me that he can't wait to see me again. I joke that May is just around the corner. He teases me that May is more than 10 days away. I remind him that the deal is 10 days or less and if he's a smart man that wants to keep me happy as he claims he does, it will not be on day 10 again.

I return to work and Rebound calls. He's mushy and sensitive in an oddly macho way. He asks if he can see me tonight. I tell him I'm busy and he says that's cool but he hopes he can see me again soon. I can't explain to him why I can't see him tonight. I cannot tell him that I had a nooner with my married fake boyfriend over lunch and two guys in one day is even too much for a promiscious girl like myself. He's already made it very clear to me that if we continue to hit it off that he doesn't share well with others and would want me to himself. It sounds like a very familiar personal code that I used to preach myself. Those days seem like forever ago. Rebound calls again around 8 pm just to see how my night is going and tell me he's thinking about me. He hopes he can see me tomorrow or Wednesday. I tell him we will play it by ear but I'm sure it will be soon. He continues to prod me with questions about myself and I answer a few but quickly change the subject. Again, I'm just not sure I want to let him in yet at all.

I do want to get to know Rebound better. Can I do that without letting him get to know me? It's not so much because I think we have a future of any sort but because I'm selfish and I think he may be a brilliant distraction between the 10 days I have a feeling I will go without MNS every so often. And because I want to go out on dates in public, and have someone that can stay for more than an hour at a time, and thinks I'm the cat's fucking meow. Not to mention he eats it like a bulimic at a barmitzvah. I can't really find it in my heart or my loins to cut him off yet. Yeah, I know. You don't have to say it. I'm an evil little monkey and I should be put in a cage in a lab in the Himalayas so that I can't tamper with any one else. I know this, but today, it doesn't stop me.

With This Email, I Thee Quit...

FRIDAY
I don't hear jackshit for a response from MNS until Friday morning. Friday morning? Monday I question what is going on with us and he waits until Friday to get back to me? I'm obviously very important to him. Could he be any more of a jerk? Here is the email he sent me. Does he think that this will appease me? This should tide me over until he can give me his all? If he's thinking that's all I need, he could not be any more wrong.

MNS: Babe, I do like seeing you. I wish we could spend more time together but right now that's not the case. Work is crazy busy and today I have to go and pick up my son. I am not ignoring you or trying to be mean or anything like that I have just been crazy busy. I do miss you and I do want to spend time with you and in time that will be possible. Hope your having a good week. Talk to you soon.

Friday night I decide it is time to fill the pockets again. In all reality, I hope I don't need to use any of the men in the pockets but I just can't risk it at this point. MNS is not dependable and cannot make time for me. I will have to find someone that can, no matter how much it sucks. I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him any longer. If and when he finally gets his divorce and thinks he can squeeze me into his super busy schedule, we will see what point I am at. Maybe we can give it a try. Maybe I'll finally be done with his bullshit. Only time will tell. I love him to death but I don't share well and I need more than he can give me. Right now, I have to be true to myself.

SATURDAY
Sometimes I amaze myself how quickly I can fill my pockets back up. There's Dom, Shorty, Muscles and a few other randoms that are more than willing to step in for any attention I may be lacking. I don't feel like acting on any of them yet but I will keep them chilling in the pockets for future bouts of loneliness.

SATURDAY NIGHT
We head out for Yommey's birthday and have a great time. I get my eye on a couple fellas at the first bar but nothing to get all revved up about. Dom wants to see me when I'm done celebrating. I don't tell him yes or no. We will see how I feel.

At the second bar I notice him, Rebound, right away. He's just my flavor; tall, caramel skin, tight dresser and has a bit of a swagger about him that I don't see around here very often. When he comes up to talk to me outside I realize he has the swagger of the west coast I so love and miss because he lived out there too. We hit it off and begin reminiscing about what we miss now that we're here. Two hours later we're still chatting and he is trying to woo me with some smooth lines and introducing me to his cousin. I give him my number but he wants more than that. Tonight I decide I will give it to him. I need a distraction and a rebound from MNS and Rebound is hot and totally into me. Can't really fight with that.

He follows us back to our house and on the way I have a minor panic attack thinking about MNS and what I'm about to do. Yommey yells at me that I'm being a dipshit and that MNS can fuck off. He's at home with his wife and I have a hottie that is trying to get at me. She bluntly reminds me that MNS hasn't been trying to get at me for a minute. I know she's right and I decide to try to enjoy this to the best of my ability and forget about MNS.

Rebound and I talk and mess around until 7 in the morning. He falls asleep as the birds chirp and the sun rises outside my window. He holds me from behind and I stare at the wall and think about my night and what has went down. It's not the same being in bed with a stranger as it is with MNS but it is simplier. He isn't running out of bed to work or home or bowling. He's here, next to me, snoring away and doesn't want to go anywhere. The sex was pretty good and he knocked Q out of the best oral sex ever category, which is quite impressive. When he wakes up we go for another round which is fun. He asks if he can see me again and I tell him he can. He asks me a lot of questions about my life and what I like and although I appreciate the effort, right now I really don't want to share too much. Let's just do what we do for now and we'll see where it goes, if anywhere. He keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend and I tell him no. I wish I did but MNS is not mine and I was fooling myself to think that he was. At least I don't have to lie to Rebound about being taken. I am a free woman and up for the taking at this point. We will see if he can hang or not.

If You Were Mine

If you were mine
would I be so unsure
of the way that you feel about me?
You tell me you care
and that I am the one
but those are just words I can't see.
You say it'll get better
and things will be great
and all I can do is believe
but in the mornings
you depart from my bed
it is so hard to watch you leave.
Not knowing when
you'll hold me again
but I know it won't be soon enough
the days in between
when I'm all alone
are solemn and lonely and rough.
I yearn for the time
we'll be together
no longer a secret, but real
the world will see us
and all that we share
and no one will doubt how we feel.
If you were mine
I could wake to your kisses
and bid you sweet dreams every night.
No sneaking around
no need for lying
only you can make this all right.
How long must I wait love?
when will you cash in
the promises you're so quick to make?
I hope that it's soon, dear
for the sake of this love
because I don't know how much more I can take.
I want you all mine
I don't want to share
and I don't think I'm being to bold.
You have to realize
that I won't wait forever
and this affair is going to run cold.
So show me you love me
the way I love you
leave her and come be with me
you say that you want to
I'm ready and waiting
for things as you promised they'd be.

"Very, Very" Doesn't Make The Sorry Better

MNS did not show up on Sunday for our playdate. I know, I know, his name is Mr. No Show. I get that but I really thought we were making progress. Silly me for thinking I'd see him twice in three days. Apparently someone spiked my Cheerios with crack and didn't tell me I was being delusional. Him not showing up doesn't piss me off nearly as much as him not acknowledging that he stood me up. I had fought with him on Friday and forced him to take $20 to put minutes on his phone. Now, in my head, he would go get those minutes as soon as he left my place on Friday but his phone was off all weekend so obviously he did not. The whole point of giving it to him was so that we could be in better contact than just email. Sunday would've been a prime time to use those minutes to text me and tell me he could not make it over but he did not chose to use his phone-a-friend lifeline. Very stupid move, MNS, very stupid.

Sunday night I am torn between writing him an email and telling him to kiss my big, white ass, or just not contacting him at all and see how long it takes him to notice I'm gone. I fear he might not notice. By Monday morning Yommey and Fair convince me to call him out on it. I'm not a bitch, which is surprising. In fact, I'm pretty impressed by how calm and cool I am when I write it. It's straight to the point and matter of fact. Needless to say, it's very unlike me. I send it in the morning, knowing he won't be on until the afternoon and thinking I probably won't get a response even then. When I confront him he shy's away and it usually takes a few days. Here's what I wrote him.

me: So what happened to our play date yesterday that you pinky swore on? When I gave you the money for the minutes I figured you would use it as such so you would be able to text me and tell me if you weren't coming. I realize you're busy and I am too but I am willing to make time for you whenever I can, like taking Friday off to see you. You promised me repeatedly that you would make more time because you wanted to see me too. If that's not the case, you should let me know that now. I've told you a million times just be honest with me and communicate and we will be fine. I don't feel like I ask that much of you given the circumstances but I do need that.

He replies at 6 PM.

mns: I am very, very sorry. I did not mean to upset you so. I got busy doing some other things and lost complete track of time. I sincerely do apolagize. I will keep you in the loop and my phone will be on in the next day or so. I still have the money I have just been very busy. I am very sorry babe.

He got busy doing other things? I want to cry and kick him repeatedly. And saying very twice in a row does not make me believe you are any more sorry. You should be very to the nth degree sorry for being able to so easily forget about me you jackass. This is that dull blade stab through the heart reminder that as far as his priorities go, I am nothing. It hurts like hell.

me: i figured you got busy or forgot and that's what makes me feel crappy since i cleared my day, told my friends not to call and made some fun plans for us for the afternoon. makes me feel like an idiot cuz i was excited for it and you got busy and forgot. are you still at work? and are you coming over in the morning?

mns: Again I am very, very sorry. Yes I am still at work and I have to be here at 6:15 in the morning so I won't be able to come in the morning.

me: ok. have a good night.

mns: come on, please don't be angry with me, babe. I really am very, very sorry. :(

At this point I am driving down the freeway when the email pops up on my phone. I careen off at the next ramp and park in a residential area. Don't be angry? I was angry yesterday. Today I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself for settling and allowing this kind of behavior to be acceptable. I know if I don't say something now I will regret it forever. He needs to know how it made me feel and why I'm hurt. He can deal with it or not. That's his choice. I take a deep breath and compose the following message.

me: Im sorry too, babe. I was red hot pissed yesterday. Today i just feel stupid. I want to believe u like seeing me as much as i like seeing u. I really do but it's hard. I hate that u make me feel like a stupid girl. Im never insecure n i am with u n it drives me nuts. 3 guys asked me for my # sat nite n i blew them all off cuz i just want U but then yest i was like what am i doing? Hes home with his wife n im home alone. I dunno. Maybe im pms'ing or something but i was really upset. It will help once u have the mins to text. But again, if that was me i wouldve got them asap so we could chat. Just different for me i guess. Im not used to feeling 2nd best. Be patient with me while i figure out if i can get used to this scenario. U know how i feel about u so i want this to work...I hope u believe that...but right now i'm not sure it can. I need more of you and i don't know if you are capable or if you want to give it to me.

I hit send knowing that he has probably left work by now and won't get it until the next afternoon. That's okay with me. I need some time to process everything tonight. I love MNS. I love how I feel when I'm with him. I even think someday we could have a really great thing. It's the here and now that I'm worried about. I'm not sure I can last long enough for him to be divorced and mine and make me a priority. And it's not that I don't think he wants to be with me or loves me back. That's what's infuriating. I know he does but he's just so self-absorb and willing to be a stupid, thoughtless man that he has no idea what he's putting me through. And for that, I'm very, very angry.

My Afternoon Delight

It's been an interesting week. I haven't seen MNS since last week and he still doesn't have minutes on his phone. We've had some emails regarding his divorce and us and what not. Basically he says he's stuck in the marriage until he can save up enough money for a divorce. He says it's the only thing holding him back from leaving that miserable life he's leaving. According to him he is working on it as fast as he can and can't wait until he can be with me and in a "happy place". I tell him that I need more than once a week. He promises over and over that he will make more time, no matter how hard it is, because he wants to be with me just as badly as I want to be with him. All I can do believe him and hope that it goes quickly. We spend Thursday afternoon exchanging dirty emails and he promises to come over Friday morning and makes it very obvious that he can't wait to see me and be with me again. He says it's been too long. Well, yes it has, because you've been busy. Thursday night at 8:30 he sends me an email that he got the call he has to go into work Friday morning and won't be able to come over. He says he will be off in the morning and will meet me for lunch or whatever I want. He says he's just as upset as I am. I highly doubt that.

I have been bombarded with texts and IM's from Pella, Dom and Mason. I have no idea where the hell Pella came from. It's so out of the blue. I basically call him out on his bullshit and leave it at that. Dom keeps asking me if I miss him and if he can see me. I finally have to tell him that I'm seeing someone else and I can't. He doesn't seem to like it but I just can't lead Dom on when my heart belongs to MNS, as unfortunate as that may be and as much as I may regret it later. Stupid Q keeps texting me and I tell him repeatedly to stop and that we are not friends and I have nothing to say to him.

Friday I leave work at noon and MNS comes over around 12:45. I am crabby and I make sure he knows that. He apologizes and promises that I will never have to go 10 days without him again. I tell him I am going to hold him to that or I will walk. For once I think he might believe that I'm for real...and he should. Fair told me I'm the worlds worst mistress and she's totally right. I pretended that I could do this and having part of MNS was better than nothing but it's not. It's almost worse.

MNS and I spend the afternoon in bed. We talk about his son and things we want to do together this summer and next year and, unfortunately, his wife. I can't help but ask questions about her. I realize that lying next to him naked seems like an inopportune time to question his other life but I can't help it. I need to know things to better understand his position and where I stand in his life. He answers whatever I ask him. He tells me she is going to freak out when he leaves and want to know all about me. I reiterate that he needs to make sure she knows he's leaving because he's miserable and that it has nothing to do with me. Of course it will be easier for her to blame me, I get that. He says he is miserable but his leaving does have a lot to do with me. Before he met me back in the day he forgot that he deserved to be happy and I make him happy and he can't stay in a relationship with her when he wants to be with me. Fuck-in-A. No pressure there.

Eventually we have to say goodbye but he promises that we can have a playdate on Sunday afternoon. He pinky swears me on it. He says he wishes we could have a playdate everyday. I tell him he needs to get better at this affair thing and then we could. He laughs at me and kisses my head like I'm a niave child. Again, I'm not playing. I need more effort. I love being with him but I'm a greedy bitch and if he can't make more time like he promised, then I will have to bid him ado until he leaves her and can be with me. By the way, it's Sunday afternoon at 2:30 and I haven't heard shit from him since he left Friday afternoon. If he breaks our play date and doesn't acknowledge that he missed it, I will have some serious contemplating and decision making to do. Yes, we've come leaps and bounds in the last two months compared to where we were for the last year and a half but if this is him trying and giving it his all, it's not enough for me. And it never will be.