Because Steve Harvey Said I Can

MONDAY
I've been reading a book on dating by Steve Harvey. I'm inspired, I'm devastated, I'm humbled and my eyes are open. I didn't hear from MNS at all over the weekend. Not that this is different from any other weekend, mind you, but he had told me Friday that he would call me Saturday morning so we could get together. I'm upset. And the more I read in this book the more upset I get. MNS doesn't love me. As much as we both want to pretend he does, if this book is even close to true on how men think, then we have nothing. I think about it all day long. I vow if he doesn't contact me before I leave work I am going to take some advice from the book and lay it on the line for him. I don't hear from him and I follow through on my vow.

TUESDAY
I write it. I read it over and over. I write some more. I read it again and again. I know that sending this is probably sealing my fate and ending a very important chapter in my life that is MNS. I don't believe deep in my heart that he can come through on the things I need. If I tell him outloud that I need them and he doesn't come through, then I have no choice but to walk away, even though it will mean a broken heart. But I know that my heart cannot mend from MNS until I deal with the reality of us. This is what I wrote him. I'm not sure what I expect him to answer or when. I figure it will take two or three days. And then I will be forced to start to heal and move on. At this point I'm not sure anything he could reply could save us.


MNS-
Obviously, I would've rather had this talk in person but that doesn't seem feasible lately so here it is. Please read this and let me know what's up.

Things I Know...

I know that you’re busy, you are stressed and you have a lot on your plate. So do I.
I know that you say you care about me and “us” and that you will leave her.
I know that no matter how busy I am, I will make time for you. I know that if you felt the same as me, you would too. Even if you couldn’t give me a night or a weekend or a nooner, you could find two minutes to text, IM, email or call…if you wanted to.
I know you are trying to tie up loose ends. I know because you’ve been telling me we’ll be together when “the time is right”. I’ve been hearing that for almost 20 months. Nearly two years. That’s a lot of time. I don’t know what’s taking so long because you won’t tell me. I’m starting to think it could be another two years before you’re ready.
I know I can’t wait that long. I know I shouldn’t have to. I have been more than patient and understanding. I know what I need but I don’t know if you can or are willing to give it to me. I have no idea how you feel about me these days or if you feel anything at all.
I know I want you and I want to give us a try but I can’t half-ass it anymore.
I know that there are always options and we can figure out any problem, no matter how big or how small, if you let us. I know you don’t have to do this alone and that I’m here for you and I hope you know that too. I know that I think you are amazing and strong and kind and you make me feel wonderful.
I know I'm not at all scared of what our future holds but I’m scared of never having a chance to show you what happiness is.
I know I deserve more than having to share you.
I know you have the best of intentions and don’t want to hurt me. I don’t think you realize how much not having you tears me up. Empty promises of how you will try and how much you miss me and that you will make time for me and we will be together in time do not keep me warm at night they only make me feel worse when you break them.
I know I don’t want to take you away from your work, playing sports, watching them, hanging out with the guys, your family, your friends or your son. I don’t want to change any of that but I would like to be a part of some of it.
I’m not asking you for the world. I just want you to call when you say you will and keep me in the loop and make time for me. I need to feel like I matter to you. I want to work towards something with you.
I know that I’m in denial of our reality so I’m just going to put it out there and ask you to answer me honestly.
If you want to be free of her and with me, then what is the plan? What is the time line? What do you need to get done before that can happen? If you really want out, finding you a place to live is easy and we can take care of that. At least you'd be out of the house and free until you can file for the divorce. There are options.
Do you care about me or am I simply a brilliant distraction from the misery of home and a place you can escape to?
Can you show me that I matter to you and you don’t want to lose me?
I want to be able to spend our birthdays together and watch you play softball and take a weekend to go to Green Bay and go on a date together and just one morning wake up next to you. I think I’ve earned that.
I want to know when I can have these things. A month? Six months? Another year or two? I don’t need it tomorrow but I need to know that’s the end goal and that you want it to and are seriously working for it. If it’s not and you don’t, then I know that I have to try to move on, no matter how much I will miss you.
And if you’ve changed your mind and you are not planning on leaving her, then you need to tell me that, no matter how much it’s going to hurt because I can’t keep putting my life on hold for someone who will never be mine.

And that's it. That's all I can say to him. That's all I can give him at this point if he can't give anything to me.

I get a text from Mob that simply says "Smile, your beautiful!" I needed that this afternoon. It felt good to read it and I tell him that. He replies "You don't need anybody to tell you that, boo. You and the girls are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm pretty sure your family and friends feel the same way. You are truly a blessing to anyone who knows you. I love you." As dysfunctional as Mob and me are, sometimes I need him to lift me up like that. I need to know someone loves me, even if he's thousands of miles away.

Dom calls me a few times during the day and convinces me to bring my car into his work so he can look at it. I know it's just an excuse for him to see me but it does need a touch-up, so I go. I could've walked out of that shop with a brand new ride and not paid a penny if I wanted to. If I wanted to use Dom like that and give him what he wanted but I can't. I adore Dom as a friend, and yes, I tease him when I feel like it to keep him in my pocket, but I won't use him for things like that.