Letting Him Take Care Of Business

MNS said something to me the other day that struck a cord. Not necessarily in a bad way but it brought up a few feelings I should probably explore. We were talking about his phone and him finding a place and a new car and what not so he can leave the wifey. I offered to do something and he didn't get mad, I've yet to see any real temper out of him at all, but he was very stern in saying "This is my problem and I have to take care of it. You can't fix it." This hit me for a number of reasons. One being that I'm a chronic fixer and always have been. I always get burned but it doesn't stop me. I'm a cancer and it's my nurture nature to want to help those in need and "fix" things for them. It makes me feel useful and loved. I'm much more aware of it now but it's still hard to stop that urge.

It also made me think about that book I was reading last week and how it said that men have to take care of themselves and if they feel they can't take care of their life, then they can't have a healthy relationship because they don't feel they can provide for and protect those they love. This is what happened to Von and I. I can see that now. At the time I just wanted to help him, like I assumed he would help me, but I didn't realize I was taking away his masculinity. When he told me that me fixing things made him feel like less of a man I just thought he was being a pansy and a jackass. Had he stepped up to do things I wouldn't have had to fix stuff. Von claims I never gave him time to fix things. So I'm not patient. That's no news flash. I never have been. If something needs to be done I just do it. Perhaps I am too independent to be in a serious relationship? I'm never going to need a man again, Von made sure of that. So have I made myself too strong and too independent that no man will ever stay with me? I'm not sure. I'm going to try my best to let MNS fix all of this on his own and prove to me that he is the man that is worth waiting for and being with. Maybe letting someone prove that to me will make me more apt to stay and work things out? The last few years, MNS excluded, I never give any one enough time or chances to prove themselves to me. I am quick to walk at the first sign of trouble because I don't want to waste time. If the man I meet isn't already the man I need and have his shit together, I will bolt like 3000 watts of electricity because I know if there is a problem, I am better off just fixing it myself.

The weird thing is, I want MNS to take care of all this stuff on his own. I just wish it was on my time table. I want him to be happy and confident in himself so that we can be together. I want him to force himself to be the man he wants to be without my prodding or him feeling like he owes it to me. I want him to do this for him and not for me. Yes, I will benefit from it but I think I finally understand what many have told me over the years. Of course, understanding it and actually following through with what is the right thing to do and minding my own business are two totally different stories. I am going to try though. That's all I can do. I just hope he doesn't take too long to get his life in order. I mean, really, how hard is that? A few days tops, right? Hee hee. I kid, I kid. I'm giving him two months. It doesn't have to be finished by then but I at least need to see some significant progress.