Another First

WEDNESDAY

The day was fine. Chatted with Balls and a few randoms. Got an email from BHA (Big Headed Ass from days gone by). What the hell is that about? Nice to hear from you and glad you're well but we are so not going to be hanging out anytime soon. I still don't trust you, think you're arrogant and have not changed my mind on having your baby. Hazel Eyes texts me and tells me he's coming to town for the weekend and he wants to see me. I tell him that sounds cool. He asks if he can have me all to himself while he's here. That is highly unlikely but I would like to see him for a little bit. He tells me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. We will see if he really shows up or not. He's beyond flaky and hasn't made it to my town in over a year.

MNS texts me in the afternoon and I'm a bit snippy with him. I tell him I'll just throw his birthday present in his truck since he has no time to come see me...ever. In his defense the man works from 5:30 in the morning until god knows when at night and I know he's tired but I need a little effort. I told him he needs to start thinking about me like a championship softball game that he can't miss, no excuses. He said that was true. Well, duh. I should be more important than that but whatever. He's a man who loves playing sports and his stupid job. What can I do but be a woman and get really crabby and make him feel like crap about it? Apparently, it worked. MNS and I had another first. I know, I know, slow your roll, right? First he calls me this weekend and then...he came over after work. Yep, he came by to see me after a hard days work before he went home. He told me he couldn't stay long and I said that I didn't expect him too. I just wanted to see him. So he came over on his way home and I gave him his birthday presents...which he loved. He read my card, which I signed "love" with a cute little message and gave me a big hug and a kiss. I had to prod him to continue to the good stuff inside the bag. Then I gave him a different kind of birthday present that you just can't wrap up with a bow. Ends up he gave me a present right back. It was awesome. Once we were done giving it to each other we had about 3 minutes to cuddle and talk before he had to go. I didn't even want to talk. I just wanted to lay there for a second in his arms, despite it being about 300 degrees in my room. As I'm walking him out my phone goes off for the 4th time in 20 minutes and he reminds me in a very sarcastic manner that I better "check that quick" because it seems like someone is dying to talk to me. I give him a playful shove and tell him to hush himself. He gives me a quick kiss and disappears out the door.

All my missed texts are from Balls. He is on it like blue bonnet and the second I reply to his texts I have an immediate response. I can't believe how sweet he is sometimes or how jealous. It's a bit amusing to me that he can be so jealous and protective of me when we are just friends. If only MNS had a fraction of that jealousy and possessive feelings towards me. That would be nice. I know that's not his style but still, show a girl some love, would ya?

I fall asleep early and miss texts from Balls, BHA and Hazel Eyes.

If You Were A Pair Of Shoes...

If you were a pair of shoes…
I would ask for my money back. You have been way too expensive in so many ways. You look great on me but I don’t get the chance to wear you very often. You sit on a shelf high in my closet and taunt me. I no longer have many outfits that match you. You are not comfortable enough to wear every day around the house. Every day I think of you and wish you were like that glass slipper I could slide onto my foot and it would be perfect and forever…but you are not. I have tried repeatedly to make it fit. You don't give any and I can no longer keep shoving myself into you. You leave me with blisters and battle wounds. You do not cushion me and make me feel like I'm walking on air anymore. The newness and excitement of you has worn off. I think I need something less flashy and a little more practical these days. There are a million pairs of shoes out there that just might be a better fit for me. Sure, they might not make me leap for joy and exclaim "I must have them!!" like I did when I found you, but that doesn't mean they aren't good, quality shoes. I'm not the kind of girl that will suffer for appearances anymore. If it doesn't fit, I must quit.

Not A Very Memorable Memorial Weekend

THURSDAY

Emails, texts and IM's with MNS and Balls throughout the day. Nothing has changed with Balls. Neither of us knows what we want, if anything, with the other. We know we like talking and it feels good but we also have other obligations (his son, baby mama and MNS) to think about. At this point I don't see anything changing for either of us or progressing between us.

MNS keeps up his talk of moving out very soon and that he may need a key to the apartment and he can't wait to wake up next to me and see me every day. I'm so tired of talk at this point. He says he will see me this weekend and needs to see me and can't wait. Is it me you need to see or is that you need to get a little? I can't help but wonder.

Marine is wondering if he can see me this weekend. I tell him we will play it by ear. He tells me I can come out and see him Thursday night but I am sleepy and don't feel like it. I say maybe Saturday night or Sunday. Truth be told, I just want to see MNS. I want to talk to him and figure out what is going on. I can't go any further into anything with Balls or Marine if MNS is seriously thinking of moving in with me "soon".

FRIDAY

Same as the days before. Emails, texts and IM's with MNS and Balls. Balls is wondering if I'm going to come out to the club tonight and see him at work. I tell him I have a girl's night planned and will not be seeing him. Marine asks me to go to dinner. I tell him the same. MNS swears he is going to come over in the morning and see me.

As I'm getting drunk with the ladies I get many texts from Balls seeing how my night is going, telling me he misses me and reminding me he would love to see me tonight. I can't lie. I like it. He gives me a LOT of attention and he's always very, very sweet and cute when he does it. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel crappy when I realize it's him and not MNS. I ask Balls on a scale of 1-10 how badly he wants to see me tonight. He says 22.

10:45 PM
After consuming copious amounts of alcohol I convince Fair to take me to see Balls. As I'm walking out the door Marine calls to see if he can see me now. I tell him I'm on my way out. MNS texts me as I'm heading to see Balls. He wants to come over. It's 11 o'clock at night and I'm out and about. He doesn't seem to like that very much. Balls does not seem to like the fact that I'm texting MNS while sitting there with him at work. Apparently I just can't please anyone, including myself. MNS gets mushy about seeing me in the morning and how he can't wait. I tell him I can't wait either.

Fair needs to go home to sleep and Balls tells her he can take me home. Fair thinks Balls is very sweet and loves how he showers me with affection. I love it too but it causes me mass confusion. Tonight, though, I don't care. It feels good and I'm just going to roll with it. Before I can get home Balls needs to drop off his buddy. I take a nap in the backseat of the Tahoe while we drive. I'm sleepy and quite drunk at this point. I am, however, very aware of the fact that I have made out with Balls at different intervals throughout the night. As we get closer to Ball's buddies house a small lump rises in my throat. I know this neighborhood. We are scarily close to MNS's house. I start to freak out a bit. What if his buddy is MNS's next door neighbor or something and they know each other. Or we pull up and MNS happens to be outside and they start shooting the shit and he looks in the bank and sees me all drunk and retarded and wondering why the hell I am in the back of this tahoe at 2:30 in the morning. Ugh. For a second I think I am going to vomit. Balls slows the truck right by MNS's street and then keeps rolling. I breathe a TINY sigh of relief. He stops the car a block away from MNS's house and lets his buddy out. That is way to close for my comfort.

Balls gets me home and helps me into my room. I fall on the bed and giggle. What a weird night. I glance at the clock and think that work is really going to suck in less than 5 hours. Balls helps me take out my contacts and take off my shoes and puts me under the covers. He kisses me and I kiss him back. He's a really great kisser. I like kissing him. I want to keep kissing him but I am very distracted by the irritating noise that is wailing from his pants pocket, repeatedly. Finally, after about 12 missed calls he grabs the phone and looks at it. "It's my son, I gotta go." And with that, he sprints out of my room and out of the apartment. Okie dokie then. I have a smoke and talk to Yommey on the deck for a few minutes. She thought I had just run out the door and came out to make sure I was ok.

I fall asleep around 3:30 or 4.

SATURDAY

MNS starts texting me at 6 AM. I can barely focus my eyes to read the texts he is sending me. He apparently woke up on the happy, cheery side of his marital bed this morning as he is being very mushy and excited to see me as soon as he gets off work. We text back and forth until 8:30 when I finally realize I'm not going to get anymore sleep. He says he should be over about 9. I sit up and hold my head, knowing I desperately need to shower the rum and smoke off of me before he gets here. I brush my teeth for a really long time and hear my phone beeping again. It's MNS. He says his boss just called and says he has to run up to the other office when he's done at his. What the fuck?! You're supposed to come see me in 15 minutes. I ask him if he's trying to make me cry and tell him this is bullshit. He says "I would never want you to cry. You crying would make me very sad. Please don't do that." I write back and tell him I can't sit around and wait for him to get off work whenever because I have to go to work at some point. I wasn't really crying, but felt like I could for a second and I wanted him to think that I was. He needs to know I can't take this roller coaster. I'm so sick of getting put on the back burner for every reason in the book. I toss my toothbrush on the counter. Fuck the shower. I just wanna go back to bed but I can't because I have to go to work. My phone starts ringing and I look at it. No fucking way. MNS...is calling...me?! What? I answer and he asks if I'm ok. It's very odd to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. We've never talked on the phone before. He tells me he's very sorry he has to go see his boss but he will hurry and we plan that I will go to work and he will take care of that and we shall meet at my house at 1 pm. I hang up the phone and I'm still on the verge of messing my pants. He finally called me!! How sad is my excitement?

I go to work and come back and wait. At 1 he sends me a text and says he's still working. At 4 he sends me one that says he got screwed at work and is late to his sisters party.

SUNDAY

I don't hear much from MNS. Balls and I are fighting because I tell him I can't take this any further and I don't know what I want from him but I'm pretty sure he can't give it to me. The Marine's ex begged him back Saturday night in a fit of tears. He can't decide what to do. I tell him to keep me posted and I'll see him around.

MONDAY

MNS starts texting me bright and early saying that he is hoping he can come see me today. He "needs to" see me and misses me "so bad, you don't even know". Of course I don't know because he doesn't show up. I don't hear anything from him after lunch time and his phone is off when I try to call him at 7. Mother F'er!! Balls starts texting me and I pretty much take my MNS frustrations out on him until he feels like total crap and says he will leave me alone if that's what I really want. I fall asleep and don't answer him.

TUESDAY

MNS texts me at 6 a.m. saying he's sorry he couldn't escape yesterday and that he's hoping to get off early because of the rain. I tell him congrats but that does me no good. I still have to work if it's raining. He's hoping we can meet up over lunch. To say the least I am not stoked that my love life (or lack thereof) is dictated by a cement company and mother nature.

Feelings Change

Wednesday, May 20th

I wake up to texts from Balls and it makes me smile. I really like him a lot. I'm trying not to though. We talk a lot about our situations and if this could work if we decided to give it a try. I give him my stipulations and he gives me his. It would not be an easy road. For now, we will just be friends and see what happens. I admit that it gets harder every day to just stay friendly though. Balls makes me feel better than I've felt in a long time. I know he's there any time I need to talk or shoot the shit or get a hug or need a smile. He's there when MNS should be but can't be or isn't. In a way I'm using him to fill the emotional void MNS often creates in my heart. He's using me the same way as he and his baby mama don't sleep in the same room, hardly talk without fighting and are only under the same roof for the sake of their son.

It's MNS's birthday today. We talk on email throughout the day. He says he will see me this weekend for sure. I've yet to see him on a weekend so I have little to no expecations for this. Plus, he has his son for the holiday weekend. I'm not exactly sure how that would all go down. He keeps telling me he will be moving out "very soon" and we're getting really close. He does not realize that every day he waits, I grow a little more detached from him.

While we're talking Balls makes another snide comment about the roses from Marine. I ask why he keeps bringing it up and he says he is jealous. He knows he shouldn't be but he is. I tell him Marine is not really a threat in anyway. And then I do something remarkable. I tell him about MNS. I want him to know the situation. I want him to know that if MNS showed up at my door tomorrow, I would invite him in and we would give it a try. Balls and I get into a bit of a tiff over this. First of all he tries to tell me it's totally cool and he hopes I'm happy and that if MNS does me wrong he will kick his ass. I appreciate the effort of him trying to play it cool but I know he's not being honest. I prod him and he comes clean that it really upsets him. He's trying not to have feelings for me but he does and they are getting very deep. I know what he means. But I remind him that he is in a situation right now as well and I'm not putting my life or happiness on hold for him or MNS when they can't get their shit straight. We talk things out and end up in a good place by the end of the day. I promise to be honest with him about what happens. He promises to try to control his jealousy since he has no right. I know that doing that is easier said than done though.

I don't want to hurt Balls but I have to be true to myself. If only I knew what I wanted at this point. I think about MNS and instead of being giddy, I am a bit sad. The more I think about what I need, the less I think he can be the one to give it to me. I know he wants to be with me when he leaves her but I don't know if it is the best thing for him. I don't want him to jump into even more of a relationship with me if he's not ready. I think he needs some "me" time after this divorce. He tells me that he's 39 years old and does not want to go out and sow his wild oats. I get that, but I think he probably needs a bit of a break between her and I. Then I do something that floors even myself. He writes me how he's so excited to see me this weekend and he can't wait for the day he can wake up next to me. I'm not sure he really feels that way or if he's saying it because he thinks that's what I want to hear. I want to let him know it's going to be ok either way.

MNS-
Everythings gonna be ok babe. No matter what happens with us. Even if u leave her n decide u dont wanna be with me, i just want u to be happy. I hope thats with me and would love for this to work out, but if its not, theres nothing we can do. U know how much i care about u n i just want u to be in a better place n feel good instead of stressed out all the time. U know? That's not saying I won't go down without a fight. I've waited too long to just walk away from this. But, if the opportunity for us to be together comes and it doesn't feel right, we can't force it. Perhaps we're here to get each other through some tough shit and remain great friends for eternity. Perhaps you are the man of my dreams. Either way, I just want you to be happy.

It catches him a little off guard. He doesn't understand why I'm doubting us. And it's not that, really. I just want him to know that it's ok and I don't want him to feel obligated because of what we've went through. I only want him with me if he wants to be there and it's what makes him happy. And the same for me. If, once he's officially mine, he can't be the guy I need, then we make a clean break and move on. That's all we can do. Give it a helluva try and see what happens. Again, it's not that I don't love him with every little bit of my heart. I just don't know if he can be the guy I need. If he was, I wouldn't need to keep Balls and Marine one the side so that I feel like my heart is full. It would be nice if one man could do this instead of needing three. He says that I do make him happy and feel great everyday. Once he's away from her he will work to do the same for me. All I can do is wait and see if that's another promise he will break.

Love, Life, Death and the Pursuit of Happiness

Monday May 18th

Happy Birthday, Mob. He and I talk for a few minutes and he says all he wants for his birthday is to see me for a few days. I tell him that planes do fly into this po-dunk town and he should probably get on one if he wants to visit. He tells me to stock up on bottled water, smokes and canned goods. I ask him if he's bringing a natural disaster with him. He says no but once he gets here we aren't leaving my room until he gets back on the plane. I tease him that there is so many cool things to see and do here and he tells me he will look at them on the internet or buy a postcard. The only thing he wants to see and do is me.

Balls is worried about me driving home for the funeral and still wants to know if there is anything he can do to help. I tell him I will be ok. He says he's not sure he can survive not being able to talk to me all day long for the next two days. I know how he feels. It will be kind of weird. He makes me promise to call him if I need to talk or anything. I tell him I will. Then he says "I know I shouldn't and you probably don't wanna hear it but I have a lot of feelings for you and I want you to know that I care about you and I'm here for you if you need me."

My phone starts blowing up from MNS and I want to scream. It starts with what's up, babe? How's your day going? Did you go home for the funeral? How are you sexy? When I don't answer any of those he tries a different approach. Sometimes he knows way too well what will get a reaction out of me. He says "what happened to you Saturday night? I thought you were going to come to the club and see me for my birthday?" I reply and ask what happened to him on Friday when he was supposed to come over after work and tell him that I did go to the club and I didn't see him and his phone was off from Friday night until Sunday night. He says his phone wasn't off unless he was sleeping and that he was at the club in the VIP area. Well guess what, MNS, I didn't see you and if you wanted to see me, you would've made sure I came there or kept an eye out for me. Go to hell. He proceeds to tell me they had a really great time. I say that's great and I'm glad we got together like planned. He ignores my sarcasm and continues writing me. I tell him to leave me alone because I'm headed to the visitation. He sends a few more and I don't reply.

When I get back to my parents house after visitation I re-read the messages from MNS and it really pisses me off. As I'm getting ready to send a bitchy reply I get a sweet text from Balls seeing how it went and if I'm ok. I decide not to reply to MNS at all and spend the rest of the night talking to Balls on the phone.


TUESDAY

I had a lot of guilt sitting through the funeral. All the wonderful, kind and selfless things my Grandpa had done being talked about. I wondered what people would say if I died tomorrow. How would Yommey explain to my parents that we needed an entire row for past and present suitors to sit? Would MNS even come to my funeral if I died? Would he be too busy? Why am I living a life I would not tell my relatives about and I am not proud of? A few of them have me on very high pedestals and I'm pretty sure I would not recover if I fell off of them because they found out I was having an affair with a married man or a growing friendship with a man who lives with his baby mama. The Pastor talked about how proud of his family and friends my Grandpa was. I thought about him being an angel now and looking over me and how he would know now and would be so disappointed. And I cried even harder.

I did a lot of thinking on the 3 hour trek home after the funeral. I knew that Balls would probably leave his situation if I asked him. We've gotten very close over the last two weeks and I know that he has feelings for me. And I have feelings for him. But I can't get in another MNS situation. If he doesn't leave her, I can't get involved with him any further. But do I want him to leave her? Do I want to be responsible for that? As I contemplate all this MNS starts blowing up my phone. He says that he and the wife got in a big fight last night and had I been home, he would've came over and left her. But he's leaving her soon and he can't take it anymore. I tell him I've heard it all before and I don't think he cares about me like he should or how I need him too. I've given him a million chances. He swears he does and he will prove it to me. I tell him I don't have time to wait anymore. He says that I don't have too. And what exactly does that mean? He says he will be leaving very soon, perhaps within the next week. I tell him I will believe it when I see it. He asks me what I'm doing this weekend. He says he wants to spend some time with me. I remind him he has his son. He says he knows and he wants him to spend some time with me as well. And how the hell are you going to explain me to a 9 year old?

I Might Drown In A Mojo River

Ok, it's been a minute but in my defense, work is insane and I've had some family stuff going on to deal with. Death sucks...that's all I know.

So last update I had sent MNS that email telling him to stop being a jackhole. He replied saying...

yes things are hectic and I am busy and I am sorry that we are not able to spend a lot of time together. I do wish that things were different right now for us. I am doing what I can with what I have and I am doing it how I think it needs to be done. I am sorry that you don't agree with me and that you are upset but I am doing what I think is best.
I know I don't text you like I should and I am sorry for that also. I will stop telling you that I will see you soon and all that becuse I dont want you thinking that I am blowing you off.
Lyndee I do like you a lot and I do want things to be better in the future but I don't know when that will be. I am not going to put a time frame on that because I don't want you getting upset over that. Like I keep saying I am doing what I need to and I am doing it how I think I need to.
If I am continually upsetting you and angering you then maybe we need to just be friends and chill out untill I get things situated and then we can go from there. If in the mean time you meet someone else then do what you feel is right for you. I am not saying that to upset you or as a brush off and I don't have anyone else nor am I looking but I don't want you saying that you passed up on something you thought could have been good waiting on me. Is this what you want to do?
I don't want to keep stressing you out and making you feel bad. I do miss you.

To which I replied that I'm sorry that's how he feels and there is not much I can say. I told him it hurt me to read that he wouldn't care if I was with someone else. I said when he leaves her we will see where we both are and if we can work things out.

Friday, May 8th

Friday night I went out with the girls and I met someone that actually sparked my interest, a lot. We chatted and exchanged numbers. We will call him Balls. He's super cute and totally hilarious. And he made me feel like I was the absolute sexiest woman in the bar that night. I needed that. We ended up having a few people over for after hours and they joined us. He didn't try to bust a move or anything. We just shot the shit for a few hours and he gave me a great hug when he left. That was it.

Saturday, May 9th

Spent the day talking to Balls and Marine. Went out on a date with Marine. It was actually a lot of fun. We went to dinner, then to a bar to have a few drinks. I was tired from Friday night so I was home before midnight so I didn't turn into a pumpkin. Got a great hug and a sweet kiss on the cheek and called it a night.

Monday, May 11th

MNS responds:
I didn't say that I wanted you to see other people!! I said that if you found someone and you thought you didn't want to wait on me I wouldn't blame you. I did NOT say go out and find someone. That would tear me up. I want to see you also but at this moment in time I don't have a lot of time. I know I have to get my priorities straight, including you. Believe me I hear that all the time. I will talk to you later today.

And he did. We spent most of the afternoon talking on IM and text. He asked if he could come see me in the morning and I said yes. I wasn't sure if he would really come or not but he did.

Tuesday, May 12th

MNS shows up at 6 in the morning. We talk awhile and romp awhile and it's great as usual but something inside me is changing. As much as I love MNS, I'm severely doubting he can ever be the man I need him to be. And, I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to leave her. Balls and Marine are both up my ass wondering when they can see me again.

The more Balls and I talk the more I like him. And then he reveals his "catch". He lives with his son and his baby mama. He says they are not really together but they live together for his son. I tell him I can't play that game and to leave me alone.

Wednesday, May 13th

Marine shows up at my work with a dozen beautiful red roses. They are huge and gorgeous and every woman that walks by my desk wants to claw my eyes out with jealousy. It makes me feel bad that he drove all the way down here to give me this wonderful gift and he has no idea he's third in line for my heart. I'm not giving him a fair shake at all. He's sweet and we have a great time talking but he's leaving in August and I can't get that out of my mind. Why would I start a relationship with him when he's leaving? The roses make me angry at MNS too. Marine knew I was having a bad day and wanted to do something nice for me. MNS should've sent those flowers but he didn't and he won't. I tell him I got flowers and he's not happy about it. I tell him they should've been from him. He asks if I'm done with him and I say I want to be but both of us know that I'm not. Balls gets jealous too, not that he has any reason too. He knows he can't be mad about it but he says he would've sent me a dozen and one and teases me about "the rose guy" for the next few days.

Thursday, May 14th

Balls and I decide we can just be friends. I love talking to him. I tell him nothing can happen between us because we both have too much going on. He says he would rather be just my friend than nothing at all. I'm glad for that. I spend the day talking to him, Marine and MNS. I feel like my heart is being pulled in about 7982 different directions and none of them are good and the answer is not clear to me at all.

Friday, May 15th

I get the call from my parents that my grandpa died at 6:15 am. MNS texts me at 6:20 to say he won't make it over this morning. I tell him it's ok because I'm no longer in the mood. He says he's very sorry to hear about my grandpa and asks if I need anything. I tell him a hug. He says if it rains he will come over at lunch and deliver me all the hugs I want. I hope he does. Marine and Balls are both very attentive and caring this morning with my news. Balls is particulary sweet and really worried about me. It feels good and bad at the same time. He makes me feel very special. He makes me angry that MNS doesn't try as hard as he does.

MNS does not come over at lunch. He says he's trying to get off work early to see me and will call when he's on his way. He doesn't call by 7. Yommey and I head out to the club where Balls is working and he spends the night by my side giving me hugs and letting me know he cares and is there if I need anything. He's like this huge teddy bear that you just want to squeeze over and over until all your problems go away. He's also like a bodyguard and doesn't let anyone get too close to me or bother me at the club. I like that. I'm not in the mood to deal with any bullshit tonight. Yommey and I leave early as I am mentally and physically exhausted. When we get home I get a text from Balls "I miss you already". Ugh. I need sleep.

Saturday, May 16th

Marine checks in on me to see how I'm doing and let's me know he made it to his conference down south. I tell him I'm doing fine and I will see him when he gets back. Balls calls in the morning to see how I'm doing as well. We IM while I'm at work.

I hear nothing from MNS. We had tentative plans to meet up tonight downtown. He was going out with the fellas for his birthday and I'm going out with the girls. We had said we would probably all meet up at the bar later on in the evening.

Yommey, Apprentice, Fair and I head out and get annihilated. Balls is at a family function but I tease him about wanting to come out and see me. I know he wants to. He makes no secret of that. I still don't hear anything from MNS but we head to the club he's supposed to be at anyway. He's not downstairs so I make my way up to the VIP lounge above. I do a quick walk through, in my drunken, blurry state, and don't see him. We leave and head to another club. Next thing I know, Balls texts me and says he's outside the club. He couldn't stay away. He and his cousin come up and watch us party.

We all go back to the club where MNS is supposed to be just before closing time. I do one more walk through and don't see him. I run into a friend of a friend, who is a total hottie and he asks for my number. I give it to him, not thinking much of it. Balls refuses to let us drive home. I ride with him and his cousin drives Yommey in her car. On the way home the friend of a friend calls to see what we're up to and says he and his buddy want to come hang out with us after hours. I give him directions and watch Balls get really annoyed. I'm too drunk to understand or care at this point. He has a girlfriend and he and I are just friends. Sure, he left his family function to come out and see me and make sure I got home safely. That's sweet. That's what friends do, right? Sometimes I am so wrong.

Sunday, May 17th

Balls is pissed at me and I feel bad. Then again, why do I feel bad? He lives with his baby mama. That's not my fault. If he was free and we were dating I wouldn't act like that in front of him but he's not. We're just friends. Although I know I like him and I should probably stop talking to him before I like him anymore. Why is that so hard to do?

Marine is on his way back to town and wants to see me. He won't get here until after I am in bed. I tell him we can get together some night this week, after I return from the funeral and such. He's very understanding about it and hopes we can get together soon. I tell him perhaps i can make him dinner Saturday night and we can rent movies. He says that sounds splendid.

Not a word from MNS today and I want to rip his face off.

Put Up Or Shut Up

Marine is all over it right now. Texting, emailing and what ever else I would allow him to do. For now I am holding him to our lunch today. We will see after that if I want to continue talking or see him again. A few texts with Tre but he's boring me. Another 200+ messages on my online dating site. I definitely need to take that profile down soon!

MNS is playing games and it's pissing me off. The last two days we had talked about getting together and I got the typical "we will see" and "depends what time I get off work" but "I would love to see you, babe" crap. Both nights around the time we had theoretically talked about meeting I called his phone to find it turned off. If you can't or don't want to see me, that's all fine and dandy but tell me that. Don't shut off your phone like a little bitch and expect me not to get mad and accept your "i'm sorry i didn't get to see you babe, babe. how is your day going?" texts the next morning. That's bullshit. I tossed and turned last night thinking about it and finally got out of bed and decided to email him and tell him just what I thought.

MNS-
i can't get you on the phone or much on text so...i'm frustrated. and as tired as you are of hearing it, i'm more tired of bringing it up. you send me these texts and emails about how you promise to make time to see me but you don't. i saw you for a total of two hours in april. TWO in an entire month. people see their eye doctors more often than that. it's gonna be two weeks again. i don't think asking for an hour a week minimum is too much. if you think it is, tell me that.

i realize things are crazy with your new promotion and no one is more excited for you than i am. but honey, i need to crack the top 200 priorities in your life. seriously. may is looking to be the same or even less than april. i know your busy season is coming up at work and softball and whatever else and i fear it is only gonna get worse. i'm trying with all my might to be understanding and patient but i need you to meet me half way. and if you say we'll see and it turns out you can't, just text me and say you can't!!!! you know that i'm understanding but do not just turn off your phone and ignore me. that is so disrespectful and rude and hurtful. i know you're not trying to be mean or ignore me. you've told me this. but it's hard not to feel that way when you do those things. actions speak much louder than words with me. we've never even talked on the phone. don't you find that a little odd? i've offered you love and support and a place to live and i drop everything if you say you have time to come see me. i've taken afternoons off work just to spend an hour with you, which as i type it, seems really pathetic. i'm not sure what else i can do to prove myself to you.

i love having fun with you and i want to continue and have more of it but you just have to work with me and communicate with me. do not just blow me off like some piece of ass, unless that is all i am to you. i'm running out of ideas of ways to talk you into seeing me and quite frankly, i shouldn't have to do that at all. i don't have the energy to keep begging you to spend time with me if you don't want to. you keep telling me to hang on and things will be great but it's getting harder and harder to believe. i won't continue to play this game with you.

So how do I think he will respond? Hell, he might be too busy to respond to something so trivial and meaningless as his girlfriend. If he does respond I'm thinking he will feed me the same bullshit lines as he always does and tell me it will be soon. But in my heart I know it won't be soon enough. Or maybe he'll finally just be honest and tell me he's not ready and will never be able to give me the time I need. One can never tell. It is a full mooon. All I know is that I am not going to spend my weekend wishing he would call or wondering what he is doing. I have better things to waste my energy on, especially since he doesn't spend any energy on me. I'm sure I'll see him around sometime.

Not Much Shaking

MNS was swamped yesterday. I have a feeling this will be an ongoing thing with his promotion. We text and emailed when he could. I'm hoping I can see him soon but not sure when that will be with his new work schedule and the fact he has his son this weekend. Next week, I guess? I'm really happy for him so I'm trying not to be too greedy. I also know this is a means to an end that I have to endure. Hopefully it doesn't take long to get things on track because I miss him a lot. He text me this morning to say he was thinking about me. Yeah, welcome to the club, baby. I need a hobby to distract me. I think about him constantly and it's beginning to hurt my head.

Marine texts me non-stop, every day. He wants to meet for lunch on Friday. I told him I only have an hour and if he wants to drive the 45 minutes here to see me for lunch, I would meet him. Hey, it's free lunch. He's going to be relocating for school for a year so I figure making a new friend won't kill me. I don't feel bad about it since there is no romantic potential between his moving and my being obsessed with MNS. I could use some male attention.

I think I need to take down one of my online profiles. I logged in Friday to clear some messages out and when I logged back in on Sunday I had over 200 messages. What the french toast?! Who are these people? Here's what floored me about some of them. I had at least a dozen that gave me their name, email and phone number. Phone number? Really? Shouldn't you at least wait until I reply that I'm interested before you go giving every Jane Doe you think is cute your phone number? I don't like giving mine out at all. I guess that's the difference between men and women.

Steps

MONDAY
My nephew plays this game where he takes really quick "baby, baby, baby steps" and then two giant steps as far as his little legs will take him. It's hilarious. We did it together this weekend and it was so much fun. We got where we needed to go and laughed the entire way. I've been thinking about baby, baby, baby, big steps the last few days because of him. I can't help but liken this game to things with MNS.

The last two months MNS and I have taken some big steps, followed by baby steps and then big steps again. Before we were just running in place so any steps forward excite me. Within the last two weeks things have take some really big steps and I'm filled with excitement. Like I said before, there are three things that needed to happen for us. One was get the phone turned on. Check. Two, he needed to get a vehicle. He will have that in his possession on Thursday. Check. Last, but definitely not least, he needed to move out of their house. After spending yesterday afternoon talking about it, I realize this is much closer than I had anticipated. We spent a lot of time talking about him possibly staying with us in the very near future. This is a big decision and a lot to weigh out. Neither of us want to do anything that will jeapordize our relationship.

I'm sure to others it seems hasty but considering we've been working on this since the fall of 2007, I don't feel that it is. We have been debating the pros and cons of this big step. The pros seem to be kicking the cons ass right now. We laid out our requests, demands and what we would need and what we could not have occur if he did move in for a little while. We also decided that as of right now, this is a temporary solution. When Yommey and I get our house, he will get his own place. We are not ruling out the possibility that he might move with us but it would have to be right for him, I and Yommey and Mini before that could occur. I told him that ultimately this all comes down to him. I asked him to take a few days to think it over before he makes any decisions. I will not pretend and say that I don't care what he decides. I hope he does stay for a little while. The thought of him leaving her and being with me makes me giddy with excitement. No more being rushed and sneaking around would be divine. The idea of waking up next to him and him being mine makes my head swoon. I know he agrees completely. We will see what happens.

TUESDAY
MNS texts me bright and early saying that they offered him his promotion. We are soooo excited! Not only is this a super opportunity for him that he has worked very hard for, but he says it takes us another step closer to being together. Again, whether baby or big steps, things are moving in the right direction and I am so happy.

On a side note, it's hard to believe that four years ago today Von and I drove into this state to start our new life. Oh, how different things have turned out from my original plan. And as much as I sometimes miss my old life, I am very happy here. I'm sure I don't say that enough. I could not be more blessed than to be surrounded by the most amazing family and friends in the galaxy. Sure, Von brought me home, but now I think I was meant to be here. I need to be here. Finally, I can say, I want to be here.

Out Of The Loop

FRIDAY
Spend most of the day texting and emailing with MNS. He wants to see me before I leave town but the rain is clearing up so most likely he will have to work until he goes to his sister's house. He says if he doesn't come over tonight he will in the morning. How many times have I heard this one? Just a couple thousand. I will admit I really love being able to talk to him all day long again, though. It's a great pick me up throughout the day and makes me smile every time his name pops up on my phone. Marine and Tre are both pressing to meet me and I continue to blow them off.

SATURDAY
MNS starts blowing up my phone at 5:45 AM apologizing for not coming over Friday night. He got drunk at his sisters house and now he's on his way to work. I pick a tiny fight with him to make him feel bad and then drop it. I'm not that upset and I won't want to push him too far. I just like for him to grovel once in awhile. He texts me most of my drive to see the family. Marine does too.

After my nephew's baptism I make the 30 minute drive to see Dutchboy to get the money he owes me. He looks really crappy and worn down. Chemo will do that to you, I guess. I stay and talk to him for a whopping four minutes and then we both know it's time to leave. I'm pretty sure I will never see or talk to him again after this. Nothing left to talk about really. That was the last loose end we needed to tie up.

SUNDAY
Marine is texting me non-stop while I drive back home and wants to take me to dinner tonight. I tell him we will see. At this point, I'm not really in the mood. MNS texts me and asks what time I'm getting back to town and says he would like to see me. I tell him I'm already back and I don't hear from him again. Sometimes he's such an idiot.

It was weird hanging out with my family this weekend. I love them with all my heart and we always have a great time but I feel very out of the loop. Every conversation that occurs between us now involves babies. Every move and piece of information revolves around my two nephews. Not that this is bad. I love my nephews more than anything in the entire world but I don't have anything to contribute to these conversations. There is nothing I can add or share or even disagree with. I have no children. I am not pregnant. I don't have to share coupons for diapers or have any tips on how to potty train. My kid didn't do anything super cute last Tuesday on the drive home or keep me up all night Thursday. My parents no longer make trips to see me like they did when I lived far away. They make trips to see grand babies and hope to see me while they are here visiting. So I sit on the outside of this circle that is my family and watch and hope someday I can be back in the loop and have relevant information and stories to share so that I can be connected to them again.