Love, Life, Death and the Pursuit of Happiness

Monday May 18th

Happy Birthday, Mob. He and I talk for a few minutes and he says all he wants for his birthday is to see me for a few days. I tell him that planes do fly into this po-dunk town and he should probably get on one if he wants to visit. He tells me to stock up on bottled water, smokes and canned goods. I ask him if he's bringing a natural disaster with him. He says no but once he gets here we aren't leaving my room until he gets back on the plane. I tease him that there is so many cool things to see and do here and he tells me he will look at them on the internet or buy a postcard. The only thing he wants to see and do is me.

Balls is worried about me driving home for the funeral and still wants to know if there is anything he can do to help. I tell him I will be ok. He says he's not sure he can survive not being able to talk to me all day long for the next two days. I know how he feels. It will be kind of weird. He makes me promise to call him if I need to talk or anything. I tell him I will. Then he says "I know I shouldn't and you probably don't wanna hear it but I have a lot of feelings for you and I want you to know that I care about you and I'm here for you if you need me."

My phone starts blowing up from MNS and I want to scream. It starts with what's up, babe? How's your day going? Did you go home for the funeral? How are you sexy? When I don't answer any of those he tries a different approach. Sometimes he knows way too well what will get a reaction out of me. He says "what happened to you Saturday night? I thought you were going to come to the club and see me for my birthday?" I reply and ask what happened to him on Friday when he was supposed to come over after work and tell him that I did go to the club and I didn't see him and his phone was off from Friday night until Sunday night. He says his phone wasn't off unless he was sleeping and that he was at the club in the VIP area. Well guess what, MNS, I didn't see you and if you wanted to see me, you would've made sure I came there or kept an eye out for me. Go to hell. He proceeds to tell me they had a really great time. I say that's great and I'm glad we got together like planned. He ignores my sarcasm and continues writing me. I tell him to leave me alone because I'm headed to the visitation. He sends a few more and I don't reply.

When I get back to my parents house after visitation I re-read the messages from MNS and it really pisses me off. As I'm getting ready to send a bitchy reply I get a sweet text from Balls seeing how it went and if I'm ok. I decide not to reply to MNS at all and spend the rest of the night talking to Balls on the phone.


TUESDAY

I had a lot of guilt sitting through the funeral. All the wonderful, kind and selfless things my Grandpa had done being talked about. I wondered what people would say if I died tomorrow. How would Yommey explain to my parents that we needed an entire row for past and present suitors to sit? Would MNS even come to my funeral if I died? Would he be too busy? Why am I living a life I would not tell my relatives about and I am not proud of? A few of them have me on very high pedestals and I'm pretty sure I would not recover if I fell off of them because they found out I was having an affair with a married man or a growing friendship with a man who lives with his baby mama. The Pastor talked about how proud of his family and friends my Grandpa was. I thought about him being an angel now and looking over me and how he would know now and would be so disappointed. And I cried even harder.

I did a lot of thinking on the 3 hour trek home after the funeral. I knew that Balls would probably leave his situation if I asked him. We've gotten very close over the last two weeks and I know that he has feelings for me. And I have feelings for him. But I can't get in another MNS situation. If he doesn't leave her, I can't get involved with him any further. But do I want him to leave her? Do I want to be responsible for that? As I contemplate all this MNS starts blowing up my phone. He says that he and the wife got in a big fight last night and had I been home, he would've came over and left her. But he's leaving her soon and he can't take it anymore. I tell him I've heard it all before and I don't think he cares about me like he should or how I need him too. I've given him a million chances. He swears he does and he will prove it to me. I tell him I don't have time to wait anymore. He says that I don't have too. And what exactly does that mean? He says he will be leaving very soon, perhaps within the next week. I tell him I will believe it when I see it. He asks me what I'm doing this weekend. He says he wants to spend some time with me. I remind him he has his son. He says he knows and he wants him to spend some time with me as well. And how the hell are you going to explain me to a 9 year old?