Feelings Change

Wednesday, May 20th

I wake up to texts from Balls and it makes me smile. I really like him a lot. I'm trying not to though. We talk a lot about our situations and if this could work if we decided to give it a try. I give him my stipulations and he gives me his. It would not be an easy road. For now, we will just be friends and see what happens. I admit that it gets harder every day to just stay friendly though. Balls makes me feel better than I've felt in a long time. I know he's there any time I need to talk or shoot the shit or get a hug or need a smile. He's there when MNS should be but can't be or isn't. In a way I'm using him to fill the emotional void MNS often creates in my heart. He's using me the same way as he and his baby mama don't sleep in the same room, hardly talk without fighting and are only under the same roof for the sake of their son.

It's MNS's birthday today. We talk on email throughout the day. He says he will see me this weekend for sure. I've yet to see him on a weekend so I have little to no expecations for this. Plus, he has his son for the holiday weekend. I'm not exactly sure how that would all go down. He keeps telling me he will be moving out "very soon" and we're getting really close. He does not realize that every day he waits, I grow a little more detached from him.

While we're talking Balls makes another snide comment about the roses from Marine. I ask why he keeps bringing it up and he says he is jealous. He knows he shouldn't be but he is. I tell him Marine is not really a threat in anyway. And then I do something remarkable. I tell him about MNS. I want him to know the situation. I want him to know that if MNS showed up at my door tomorrow, I would invite him in and we would give it a try. Balls and I get into a bit of a tiff over this. First of all he tries to tell me it's totally cool and he hopes I'm happy and that if MNS does me wrong he will kick his ass. I appreciate the effort of him trying to play it cool but I know he's not being honest. I prod him and he comes clean that it really upsets him. He's trying not to have feelings for me but he does and they are getting very deep. I know what he means. But I remind him that he is in a situation right now as well and I'm not putting my life or happiness on hold for him or MNS when they can't get their shit straight. We talk things out and end up in a good place by the end of the day. I promise to be honest with him about what happens. He promises to try to control his jealousy since he has no right. I know that doing that is easier said than done though.

I don't want to hurt Balls but I have to be true to myself. If only I knew what I wanted at this point. I think about MNS and instead of being giddy, I am a bit sad. The more I think about what I need, the less I think he can be the one to give it to me. I know he wants to be with me when he leaves her but I don't know if it is the best thing for him. I don't want him to jump into even more of a relationship with me if he's not ready. I think he needs some "me" time after this divorce. He tells me that he's 39 years old and does not want to go out and sow his wild oats. I get that, but I think he probably needs a bit of a break between her and I. Then I do something that floors even myself. He writes me how he's so excited to see me this weekend and he can't wait for the day he can wake up next to me. I'm not sure he really feels that way or if he's saying it because he thinks that's what I want to hear. I want to let him know it's going to be ok either way.

MNS-
Everythings gonna be ok babe. No matter what happens with us. Even if u leave her n decide u dont wanna be with me, i just want u to be happy. I hope thats with me and would love for this to work out, but if its not, theres nothing we can do. U know how much i care about u n i just want u to be in a better place n feel good instead of stressed out all the time. U know? That's not saying I won't go down without a fight. I've waited too long to just walk away from this. But, if the opportunity for us to be together comes and it doesn't feel right, we can't force it. Perhaps we're here to get each other through some tough shit and remain great friends for eternity. Perhaps you are the man of my dreams. Either way, I just want you to be happy.

It catches him a little off guard. He doesn't understand why I'm doubting us. And it's not that, really. I just want him to know that it's ok and I don't want him to feel obligated because of what we've went through. I only want him with me if he wants to be there and it's what makes him happy. And the same for me. If, once he's officially mine, he can't be the guy I need, then we make a clean break and move on. That's all we can do. Give it a helluva try and see what happens. Again, it's not that I don't love him with every little bit of my heart. I just don't know if he can be the guy I need. If he was, I wouldn't need to keep Balls and Marine one the side so that I feel like my heart is full. It would be nice if one man could do this instead of needing three. He says that I do make him happy and feel great everyday. Once he's away from her he will work to do the same for me. All I can do is wait and see if that's another promise he will break.