I've Started Years Better

Dorothy and I pick up Joy and Freak Mama at the bar. We drive to Ronnie’s house for the 6th Annual New Years Eve Bash. I’m sober driver. This is a different approach for me. On the way to the party Joy starts yapping about the other night when her and Sam went to a club together. Freak Mama is not a fan of his and says “Fuck Sam.” Joy says, “Oh, I did.” I sneak a glance at Dorothy. Sam has told her repeatedly that he wants nothing to do with Joy and that she is a psychotic slutbag. Joy doesn’t know that Dorothy and Sam are dating but I have a feeling she suspects. The way this went down was not cool. Dorothy holds her composure, not saying a word, and we continue to Ronnie’s. I say hello to all of the old crew while Dorothy, Freak Mama and Joy get drinks. Ronnie can barely move the right side of his body because he and his brother rolled his car about 15 hours earlier. I mother him about going to the doctor and getting looked at. He assures me he’s okay. Poor Ronnie. Seriously, this guy can’t catch a break. I have got to find him a smokin’ hot woman. While Freak Mama and Joy dance, Dorothy and I have a smoke outside. She tries texting Sam to get to the bottom of Joy’s story. He does not return the text. We take off so we can be back to the bar by midnight.

We make it back to the bar with ten minutes to spare. The place is dead. I’m tired and I’m sober. Not a good combination. I’m worried about Dorothy. Sam has not paged her back to explain what is going on. I feel bad for her. I know what it’s like to find out what Joy has messed with someone you care about. It seems to happen every time.

About 1 AM CC calls and tells us he’s at another club that’s open all night and we should come up. Dorothy and I ask Joy and Freak Mama if they want to go. They do not. They’re too busy dancing with two scuzzies.

Dorothy and I head to the club and find Froggie, CC, T-Love, Sam, Ketchup, Milkshake, etc. Dorothy and Sam get in a discussion about the Joy drama while CC traps me in a corner to tell me how much he likes Dorothy and that Sam is not the one for her. I point out that either is he, seeing how he’s married. He launches into the story I’ve heard a million times about how they’re only married because they can’t afford a divorce. I’m way too sober for this shit. Sam heads inside and I go out to see Dorothy. As we’re sharing our cigarette a cute little woman approaches us. She’s obviously intoxicated and looking at us in a manner I am not generally used to from another female. She asks us where we usually hang out, who we know here, etc. After the random small talk bullshit she begins to tell Dorothy what a hot body she has and that I have the most perfect eyes and facial features in the world. “You two are so beautiful.” We thank her and leave it at that but she’s not done. “You know, I’m married but I would LOVE to get together with you guys. You’re so hot.”

REALITY CHECK-It’s the first few hours of 2005. I have none of my men with me. I kissed Dorothy at midnight. I am sober. I’m being propositioned for an all-female threesome with a stranger in a black dress and one of my closest friends. Dear Lord, let this not be an indicator of the year to come.

CC, T-Love and some of the guys come back outside. The little swinger figures out she’s not going to bed us to ring in the New Year and moves on. Sam and Dorothy pick their argument up where they left off. I’m left wondering if I should go grab the swinger and spice up my night. Nah, better not.

Eventually Sam and the crew leave and invite us to follow them to the casino. Dorothy, CC and I instead stay at the club until 3:30. On our way back to my house I decide to call Gloves and wish him a Happy New Year. He answers and tells me that he actually made it home a few hours ago and we plan to meet at my house. After a quick swing through the 24-hour café in the neighborhood we meet Gloves at the house. We chit chat with CC and Dorothy for a few minutes and then it’s private time.

The sun is rising and birds are chirping outside the window. Gloves and I fall onto our pillows with exhausted smiles on our faces. The last three hours of sex has totally made up for my odd night. We’re chit chatting and I’m not even sure how it comes up…but it’s up, it’s out and there’s trouble on the horizon. Gloves tells me he has another friend. He had told me repeatedly he did not have a girlfriend nor was he involved with anyone and I’m pissed that he lied. He says she’s just a fuck buddy. Now I have to handle this very gently. I cannot be a hypocrite. I’m not the Virgin Mary here. I have friends of my own. But here’s the deal. Even though you know or even assume that someone you’re sleeping with is sleeping with other people, you never want PROOF or confirmation that they are. And there are a few facts to know about me that Gloves is not yet aware of.

1. I do not like to share.
2. I am possibly the most competitive woman you will ever run across.
3. Refer to previous entries regarding my ADD. I need to be number one.

Gloves asks if I’m okay and how I feel about that. I tell him he’s a big boy and he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. I tell him the news doesn’t excite me by any means but what can I do? I mean, really. I actually appreciate his honesty. In the back of mind, it’s on. I have to get rid of this chick and take over the poll position.

Back In The Hizzy

My plane ride home is delayed but eventually I make it back. Dorothy picks me up and I’m so happy to be home at last. I feel like Stinky Pete from a full day of travel so we head to my house so I can shower and get ready. Then to the bar. I walk in and Sassy comes running over to me with a hug. Then FB. We play darts and drink. Asia, Baby Girl and Freak Mama come too. Smoke shows up and we talk for a little while.

The bar closes way too early for our liking and so we all head over to my house to after hours. Sassy, FB, Dorothy, CC, Ruby, Smoke, T-Love, Baby Girl, Big Pop, and about eight random people all follow. I spend most of my time outside smoking with Smoke as he tries to convince me for the millionth time why we should hook up. I go upstairs to change my clothes. He comes up to get his sweatshirt. We start messing around but are interrupted by Sassy knocking on the door to say goodbye, which is probably for the best.

Around 4 am things start winding down and CC makes breakfast for those of us who are left. I pass out around 5:30 in the morning. Too many drinks, nicotine and lack of sleep. All is right in the world again.

You Booty Called My Parents House at 3:30 AM

Jose leaves right after we wake up. I plop on the couch to watch the news. Dad comes in and asks me if my guy got a hold of me on my cell. “What guy?” He says the one that called the home phone at 3:30 this morning. Mom and Sister each answered a phone. He asked for me. They told him I was sleeping. Sister may have said something rude. They didn’t bother to take a message.

I know instantly that it has to be Gloves. He and Dorothy are they only ones I gave the number too. I call Gloves and he says it was him. He was confused on which number I said to call. And he wouldn’t normally call so late but he was really horny and wanted to have phone sex. I tell him I’ll call him back later.

Sister comes home from work and tells me MOB called last night. I assure her it was not MOB. She could’ve sworn it sounded just like him. She wondered how he would’ve got the number. I tell her it was Gloves and he’s sorry.

Her and I take off to do some shopping. Keep in mind to do any real shopping when I’m home you have to drive an hour north to a “big” town. It gives Sister and I time to catch up. Man, I miss that girl. On the way up we get on the subject of old friends from high school, people in town we don’t like, etc. We walk in to the first store and whom should we pass in the bra and panties section but two of my former closest friends. I mean, we were tight. BFF’s in high school. Hell, junior high until the middle of college we were nearly inseparable. We had a falling out a while back. They got married and popped out babies and I moved away to live my life. The first few minutes were anything but comfortable. We kept talking and soon 45 minutes had passed. It was weird. People can mean so much to you at times in your life and then just disappear. I didn’t feel towards them the same way I felt with Jose. There was a huge gap, wounded hearts and hurt feelings. Memories of Spanish class and pillow fights as a high school freshman couldn’t make up for that. The friendships had been over for years. Yet, it was still nice to run in to them for those few minutes. Odd, but nice.

We hit a few more stops and then we have to rush the hour home to meet the grandparents and parents for dinner. We stop on the way to pee at the gas station in some random town along the highway. In we walk and head to the ladies bathroom. We go in together because we’re girls and we’re sisters. This young boy, maybe 10 or 11, is standing outside the woman’s restroom. We go around him and go in. The minute we shut the door he yells, “Two girls are in there together. Are you guys having fun?” He lets out a demented little cackle. I, perched atop the porcelain throne yell back, “Yeah, baby!” He starts laughing again. “Two girls are doing dirty things in the potty!!” So like the immature child that I am, I begin moaning at the top of my lungs. This sends him into a tizzy. My sister laughs but then glares at me. “Shut up, dude. He’s retarded.” I shrug. “Just because he’s wearing a Vikings jacket doesn’t make him retarded.” “No, I think he’s mentally retarded.” Oh. My bad. But still. Where are his parents? Keep your kid in check. So we finish peeing and come out and he is standing a few feet away. This kids not handicap. He’s just stupid. And he’s standing there with his equally appealing father, both staring at us with hungry eyes and porno pervy smiles. I want to hurl. Instead, I like my lips like it was covered in the best tasting fluid ever and watch their jaws drop. Hey, they don’t know we’re sisters.

Dinner was fun. Went home and packed afterwards. Gloves called my cell (good boy) at 1:30 AM. He somehow convinces me to have phone sex with him as I lie in the bedroom next to my parents. Something about this feels off. And something about it is really hot. Of course, I’m not sure if it’s real phone sex since I didn’t touch myself. I know it’s cheating but it’s not like he knows the difference. As long as I give him the “oh baby, I wish you were in me oohs and aahs” he’s getting what he wants. Let him picture me naked and rubbed in oil. Whatever floats his boat. I'll make up for it giving him the real thing when I get back.

A Dear Old Friend

You know a friend is special when you can go weeks, months, even years without seeing them and the minute you do, it’s like you were never apart. That’s how it is with my friend Jose. I hadn’t physically seen him in nearly three years. We spoke on the phone or via email every blue moon but that was it. This year we had promised to catch up. He drove three hours to my parent’s house in the snow and when he walked up to my parent’s door I nearly tackled him. Jose was one of my very best friends from college. We had met at a fraternity party and became instant friends. He even lived on my futon for a while when I lived in an all girls dorm. Every single girl on my floor had a crush on him. They adored him. I remember one night the fire alarm went off at three in the morning. A hundred girls go swarming out the doors and the R.A.’s start taking roll. Jose looks at me, Sca and the others and starts singing the Sesame Street song “One of these things does not belong here, one of these things does not fit in.” After that myself and some of the other girls ended up in a big ol’ house off campus. Again, Jose came along. This time my room was luckily much bigger and we upgraded from a futon to a couch. We fought like brother and sister, we loved like brother and sister.

My mom, of course, made this huge meal of steaks and baked potatoes and salad and trays of Christmas cookies. Nothing but the best for Jose. My family loved him too. Gloves called in the middle of dinner. I talked to him for a few minutes but told him I had to go. He promised to call back later. I said I was going out so not to call my parent’s house but instead call my cell if it was going to be late.

Jose, my sister and I went up to the local pub and had a few rounds. Stopped at the Pump & Munch on the way home to buy a twelve pack. Jose and I catch up and reminisce until 2 in the morning and then head off to bed.

Fun With The Family

Lunch with my brother. Ran errands and cruised around town with my sister. Dinner with the family. Dorothy called my parents house. Talked to her while I smoked two cigarettes outside on the porch where it was –2 degrees. Holy crap, I’m glad she made me a scarf for Christmas. Gloves calls to see how my Christmas was. We talk for a few minutes and then his phone cuts out. I spend the night playing board games with my family. I have a warm fuzzy and want to cry thinking about going back without them. I must be PMS’ing.

Maybe Just One Or Two

Today is Christmas with my Dad’s side of the family. It’s a bit smaller and much quieter. Also, my babies are here. My two little cousins that I helped raise from their birth until I left the state. Although they’re not really little anymore. Suddenly they’re 12 and 9, talking on their new cell phone, wearing training bras and getting their period. At twelve years old?! What? I think I was still watching Saved By The Bell when I got mine. Mom reminds me that I was only thirteen when I got mine. This feels like a very awkward conversation to be having in the kitchen as we mash potatoes. I got sit on the couch and 12 & 9 are instantly on either side of me talking a mile a minute about how much they miss me and all their boyfriends at school and how a girl in 12’s class french kissed a boy at the football game and she’s such a slut. “Did you say slut? You can’t say slut.” 12 asks why. “Because you’re twelve.” 9 giggles. “Well, she is a slut.” Wow. My phone rings. Nine says “Is that your boyfriend?” “One of them.” I tease. I look and see that it’s Big Tongue. I don’t answer. I had already missed a call from Stubby earlier. Before I can set it down it rings again. “Is that your boyfriend?” 9 asks again. I look at the caller ID. It’s Smoke. “Nope, it’s a different one.” 12’s eyes get wide. “How many do you have?” I laugh. “Only three.” 12 throws her arms around my neck. “I have three too!” These two are hilarious. I love spending time with them whenever I’m home but it breaks my heart to leave them. I want to pack them up and take them with me. And then my cousin B walks in. He is seven years younger than me and has two kids already. One is two and the other I haven’t even seen since he’s been born. But they are two of the most precious little angels I have ever laid eyes on. I play with them all day long. The youngest one falls asleep in my arms while we open presents. I kiss his little bald head and make stupid faces at him when he wakes up. Okay, grandma, maybe just one or two. But not for a long time! For now, cousins at holidays will do just fine.

No Birth Control Like The Holidays

My mother’s side of the family comes over to our house for Christmas. This may sound fun for some but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong; there are a couple relatives on this side that I really adore. But there are also a couple crazies I try to avoid like fucking malaria. Also, this family is big. Really big. My mom has six brothers and one sister. All of which have at least 2-4 offspring of their own. This makes for a lot of kids under the age of 15 running and screaming through the house. Whining, coughing, snot dripping down their noses, begging to open presents, pulling hair, teasing each other little kids that have never learned to use their inside voices. My headache is almost instant and when my grandma asks me when I’m going to have kids of my own I nearly throw up at her feet. I glance around the room at the kids and then back at her. “If I’m lucky, never.” I don’t think Grandma or mom liked that answer much.

Home Sweet Home

I fly back to spend the holidays with my family. It’s freezing cold but it’s good to be home. I miss my family and love being able to hang out with them. Unfortunately my cell phone gets sporadic reception in this part of the country and although I can get calls, I don’t answer because it’s roaming and costs a buttload. During dinner I get a call from Barbershop. Will this guy never give up? My phone rings a little bit later and it’s a private number. I’m guessing it’s Barbershop and I’m ready to tell him to lose my number forever before I get a restraining order. When I answer it’s not him. It’s Deej. Deej is this guy from the bar who is nice enough but I am in no way, shape or form attracted to him in anything but friendship. I don’t even know how he got my number. It had to have been from Usher. I ask him what’s up and he says he’s being a scrooge. I ask why. He says because he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. I ask what that would’ve been. He says me. I laugh at him. I can’t help it. “Oh, Deej, we’ve talked about this before.” He wants to know if he can just see me. I tell him no because I’m 2000 miles away. He sounds very sad and I feel bad since it’s the holidays but I can’t even fake mild interest with him. I tell him I’ll see him around when I get back. He hangs up on me.

Let's Make A Deal

I remember as a child watching the game show, Let’s Make A Deal. I remember thinking people were so stupid when they chose the wrong door. Always go with your gut, I thought. My mom would tell me that these people don’t know what’s behind the door so they have to make the best guess they can. I thought it was stupid. Watching from the comfort of my home I ALWAYS picked the door with the good prize. Now in life I find the choices are harder and sometimes my gut is duking it out with my heart and my head and doesn’t always win. I find myself picking the wrong door. Tonight would be no exception. And I know the people at home watching this episode will think that I’m the stupid one. Karma’s a bitch.

Enjoy a wonderful holiday dinner with Dorothy. We exchange presents and head to the bar. Preach, FB, Sassy, Asia, Freak Mama, Fort Dodge, Baby Girl, Tiny and Shy Guy are all there. Darts, dancing and drinking ensue. As always we are having a blast. Dorothy takes a call from Sam and disappears outside for a while. I talk to Shy Guy and Tiny. Tiny is being the guy I like again and Shy Guy is being a near mute again. Of course, with Tiny around, it’s hard to get a word in really.

It’s bar time. Everyone is leaving. I go outside to find Dorothy. Sam apparently has a jealous stick up his ass about something and is being an ass. He wants Dorothy to go with him so they can talk but she drove me. As they argue by his car I stand in the parking lot. Shy Guy and Tiny pull up and ask me what’s going on now. I say I’m going home to keep drinking but I’m waiting for Dorothy. They offer to give me a ride home. I tell Dorothy. I can tell she wants to talk to Sam so it’s cool. Tiny, Shy Guy and I head to my place. So here I sit in my kitchen with Tiny and Shy Guy. I’m trying to engage Shy Guy in conversation. Tiny keeps making a point to bring up fun times he and I have shared. One is sitting on my right. One is standing to my left. I feel torn between them. I don’t know why but I feel bad for Shy Guy. Tiny makes his own attention, everywhere he goes. Tonight is no different. Tiny keeps making comments to Shy Guy that he’ll run him home whenever he gets tired. I don’t want Shy Guy to go home. I’m trying to get to know him. Something about him intrigues me. On the other hand, there’s something about Tiny that I adore. Even though he’s an arrogant prick most of the time, I love the sensitive guy he’s hiding underneath that I have caught glimpses of. I give them the tour of the house. In my bedroom Tiny dances in front of my wall of mirrors. He’s such a spaz. Shy Guy looks at the pictures on the wall above my bed. “Hey Tiny, check it out.”

Tiny comes over to investigate. “Well, isn’t that sweet.” They both laugh. Shy Guy says “Fuck MOB, man”. For an instant I feel embarrassed. I don’t want Shy Guy to think less of me because I was retarded enough to go out with a jackhole like MOB. I tell them it’s time to finish the rest of the tour, knowing that the three of us hanging out in my bedroom could only lead to serious trouble.

We wind up back downstairs shooting the shit. Tiny again reminds Shy Guy that he can run him home at any time. Tiny goes to the bathroom. I look at Shy Guy and ask him if he has a curfew or something. He says no. “Then why is Tiny in such a hurry to get you home?” Shy Guy thinks it’s because he wants to be alone with me. I tell Shy Guy it’s not like that and he is more than welcome to stay as late as he wants. He has a great smile. Tiny comes out and asks Shy Guy if he’s ready to go. Before Shy Guy can answer Tiny tells me he’ll be right back.

Suddenly I’m in a Little Bo-Peep outfit, standing in front of my three doors.
Door #1-Let Tiny take Shy Guy home and hang out with him when he comes back.
Door #2-Tell Tiny to leave and not come back while Shy Guy can stay.
Door #3-Tell Tiny to chill out and all continue to hang together.

The crowd is screaming in the background. I hear all the numbers being shouted. Monty is staring at me for an answer. I don’t want to get a zonk. I really don’t. I want the big prize. I want to be a winner “Three!! One!! Two!! Two!!” I hear the crowd shout. “Go with your gut!” I wish there was a Door #4.

I look at Tiny and Shy Guy. Shy Guy smiles and gives me a hug. He thanks me for letting him hang out and for the drink. I want him to ask me for my phone number but he doesn’t. Tiny smiles as they walk out the door. “I”ll be back in a minute.”

I grab my drink and head to the couch, allowing myself to be sucked into the world of late night videos on BET. Tiny returns alone in a few minutes and takes a seat next to me. We decide that uncut just means unlimited booty shots. The Tiny that returns is the Tiny I hoped for. Laidback, sweet, funny. We talk until nearly 4 AM. Sometimes I think Tiny just needs to hang out with me because I’ll let him be himself. In fact, I hate the persona he puts on in front of everyone else and he knows it. He also knows I have to work in a few hours and tells me to go up and get some rest. He’s planning to cash out on the couch. I tell him he’s welcome to stay in my room. I don’t mean this in a hanky-panky way and he knows that too. Sometimes it’s nice just to have someone next to you.

I put on my pajamas and crawl into bed. He crawls in, fully clothed. We lie in silence for a minute but soon starting jabbering again. I have my head on his chest and my hand on his stomach. His is around my shoulder. He strokes my hair. We stop talking. I ask them why they call him Tiny. He says it’s not because of what I’m thinking. I laugh. I can tell through his jeans that’s not the reason. He tells me he can prove it. He takes it out. My jaw drops. It’s huge. You would never guess this guy was packing dick like this. I have to touch it. Not in a hot and horny sort of way but an inquiring minds want to know type of way. Here’s the weird thing, as much as I had thought about being with Tiny in the past, it was not even crossing my mind at the time. I was not in the least bit horny but I was very intrigued. It may have been the most perfect penis I had ever seen. Large, smooth, trimmed…it was pretty. Tiny had a pretty penis. I wanted to wrap it in a bow and send it to every woman I knew.

Suddenly, my cell phone starts blaring from my nightstand. I roll over and see that it’s Gloves. I know he’s just getting back to town and wants to see me. I let it go to voicemail. I lie down with my back to Tiny and drape his arm around me. I don’t feel like I should look at his penis anymore as my phone alerts me I have a message from Gloves. We drift off to sleep at 5 AM.
My alarm wakes me at 7 AM. I walk Tiny downstairs before I start getting ready for work. He gives me a hug and thanks me for letting him stay. He tells me to call him later. I tell him I will. “I’m serious. Call me.” I tell him again that I will. “Have fun at work.” And with that he’s gone. And I don't know how I'll ever call him Tiny with a straight face again.

I check my voicemail from Gloves. As I thought he had just gotten back to town. He wishes I would’ve answered my phone. He really wanted to talk to me. I suddenly feel dirty and have to jump in the shower.

Someone's Getting Sneaky

Barbershop called for the 18th time in three days. Normally I would just ignore his call but the little bastard is getting sneaky. He’s starting to call from numbers I don’t know. Payphones, friend’s phones and private numbers. Now here is my question for him: If you have to call me from a number other than your own to get me to answer, what does that tell you?! He wants to come over again. I say no. Now I’m feeling stressed out and head to the bar.

Hang with Baby Girl, Joy and Sassy. Freak Mama eventually joins us as well. Talk to Crazy James and Tiny for a minute. No exciting news with them. Unfortunately Shy Guy was not with them. So with the holidays fast approaching Baby Girl, Sassy, Freak Mama and I decide to celebrate. (Joy leaves because she thinks we’re being mean to her.) We spend the night drinking and dancing and doing lots of observe and ridicule. We are making up songs and singing at the top of our lungs. We are generally entertaining the entire population of the bar. Smoke comes through and sits down next to me. We talk for quite awhile. He’s really a decent guy the more I’ve gotten to know him over the last year. He doesn’t understand why I won’t give him a chance. Sometimes I don’t either.

Whiskey Wisdom

Barbershop called. I told him I was busy tonight. Went to a holiday party at Vagina Jane’s house. Saw some of the friends from the old neighborhood, which was cool. Got to see Ronnie. He always makes me smile. I stay a couple hours, eat too many dips, bid everyone a happy holiday and then head back to my house to get ready for my night.

Dorothy and I head to the bar. It is unusually quiet tonight. A former NFL player takes a seat next to us at the bar and begins buying us drinks. Round after round after round. This guy is hilarious, although completely full of himself. He starts calling me Fire Eyes because he said I seem sweet and my eyes look like ice but there is a fire burning in them. I play along and ask him what he means. He says that many men have tried to tame me but none have yet deserved my heart. He then tells me that I am a comforter. Everyone’s “safe place” and that I love taking care of others. I tell him to shut up because he’s starting to freak me out. I decided from now on I must try to mask my vulnerabilities better. Or not hang out with such good guessers.

He tells us that if we are going to give a man our time that he must in someway enhance our lives. He looks us both in the eye and tells us the men we have now aren’t doing that for us. And something about not giving the ones who could a chance. Dude, like I’ve never heard that before. Sca has been telling me I sabotage my happiness for years. Thanks for the update.

He tells Dorothy she talks to much and is selfish. He bets her he can’t go thirty minutes without talking. She does but it nearly kills her. Hilarious! Poor thing. God knows I couldn’t go that long without saying a word. Seriously! I mean, I even talk in my sleep. The only way you’re shutting me up is if I’m gagged and bound. And I’m not sure that would work.

Sam shows up with his buddy and they follow Dorothy and I back to our house. We sit around drinking and talking. His buddy starts getting a little too friendly. Keeps asking me if I want a massage and yada yada. Apparently I met him one night at Gloves but I don’t remember him. That should tell you something. Anyway, he’s pushing and pushing and finally he just snaps. “So what, you’re not interested or something? Is that it?” What did this dumbass think was going to happen? Seriously! You tell me I’m pretty and offer a massage and think I’m going to do the semen salsa with you? Get a fucking grip, moron. You’ve in no way enhanced my life and therefore, I cannot be bothered. New rules. And what I really wanted to blurt out is “Sure, as long as you don’t care I’m sleeping with your friend Gloves too!” Would love to see how he reacted to that. And just as I’m thinking that, who should call? Gloves, of course. Hooray for him reading my mind when I’m in need. I've never been so happy to take a call.

118 Miles One Way, Just To See Your Face

IM’d with Ron and Clingy. Talked to Big Tongue and blew him off again. Barbershop called and asked if he could come over. Told him I had plans. King Andrew called and said he was on his way to Jersey for the holidays. Ron asked if he could come by the bar tonight and see me. I told him I’d be there all night but if he came to bring someone for Dorothy to talk to. He sent me pictures of his friend who looked hot and we set it up to meet around 10.

To the bar with Dorothy. No darts because the place was packed. Grabbed a table and let people come to us. Hung with Tiny, Ass, Shy Guy, Sassy, Freak Mama, Crazy James, Joy, Preach, etc. Ass bought Dorothy and I drinks. Of course he followed that up with an invitation for a threesome. Ass. We’re all having a good time when my phone rings. I’m assuming it will be Ron but it’s King Andrew. He asks if I’m up at the bar and says he’s on his way up. I ask what happened to his trip to Jersey and he says he’s leaving tomorrow instead. Odd. I can’t really tell him not to come there since it’s public place and he’s on his way. Although the thought of having him, Ron, Tiny and more than likely MOB in the same place at the same time does not seem like an appealing option by any means. But, when you dig a hole, you must lay in it. Or some shit like that.

King Andrew comes and pokes me in the back. I turn and say hey. He says he’s going to grab a drink at the other end. I stay put. I chase no one. If he comes back great, if not, great. Ron calls. Says he just woke up. Should he come now? This is my perfect out but I’m not sure how to go about it. I say it’s up to him. I’ll be there for a little while longer but we can always reschedule. As I’m hanging up with him Fury calls. He and his buddy are in his town heading to the bar. I tease him that they should’ve came up to see me tonight. Keep in mind this is a 118 mile drive. He says, “should we?” I glance at my watch. It’s midnight. It will take them about 2 hours to get up here. There’s no MOB yet. King Andrew seems to have disappeared. Why not? Fury says they’re on their way. King Andrew beeps in and tells me to come to another club. Uh, fuck you. I’m here. If you want to see me you had to walk ten feet. He said he felt like those guys (Tiny, Ass and Shy Guy) were going to beat his ass for looking at me. I tell him he’s paranoid and if I get bored, I’ll come by the club. Ha! As if that’s gonna happen. But he doesn’t need to know it. Keep ‘em hanging. Always keep ‘em hanging.

Meanwhile, back inside…

Dorothy is secretly hoping Sam will pop by. Ass has given up hope of an orgy. Joy is past hammered. She has Preach sandwiched against the wall and is grinding all over him. Ass thinks if he continues to buy Dorothy and I drinks and talk about his large member that we will be persuaded. Ass is stupid but I’m not gonna stop him from spending his money. So after awhile Aunt Tipsy comes to visit. Usually Aunt Sassy visits with her too. Tonight is no exception. I’ve got glossy eyes and a sharp tongue. Some Loser does something rude to Freak Mama and I tell him to apologize. He cocks off. Our voices rise. Soon, people are watching. Freak Mama tells me she’s fine and it’s no big deal but I don’t care. What he did was rude and nobody fucks with my girl. Before I know it, who should be between us? Shy Guy. Up to this point I’ve heard him say maybe a total of seven words since I’ve known him. He slips his arm protectively around me and tells the Loser to apologize to Freak Mama and his girlfriend. The Loser does as he’s told and I thank Shy Guy. He stays with his arm around me and actually strikes up a conversation. Freak Mama tells him he better be good to me. I assure her he was just kidding about the girlfriend thing. He says “No, I’m not. I think you’re cool as hell.” Cool as hell I am but a pushover I am not. Well, sometimes. Just because you're cute, smell good and saved me from picking a fight with a man doesn't mean I'm going to be your girlfriend. But then again, he is really cute. We spend the rest of the night chit chatting with everyone.

The bar is closing down. Fury calls and he’s about half an hour away. Ron never showed up. I didn’t call King Andrew back. Preach is walking Dorothy and I are to her car when Shy Guy, Tiny and Crazy James pull up. I walk over to see what’s up. Shy Guy wants to know what I’m doing now and if we can hang out. As much as I’d love to Fury is on his way and that would be so not cool. I tell Shy Guy I’ll catch him later.

Dorothy, Freak Mama, her friend and I go to my house. Fury and his buddy show up around 2. We hang out drinking, talking and smoking until 3:30. Fury is cute in person but I’m not sure if he’s really my type. He’s cool but I think we’ll be better off as friends. He and his buddy call me at 5 a.m. and tell me they made it home. I drift back off to dreamland.

Quiet And I Like It

Still no Jas. Apparently he’s still in Yemen hunting bears with aliens. His phone is still going straight to voicemail. I tell myself if he was…dead…again…it would be disconnected. There is still hope. Although Dorothy thinks that he never really came and was just a ghost trying to ease my guilt. Well, at least I didn’t have to pucker up with Whoopi Goldberg to kiss him. He could’ve been a ghost because he seemed like an angel. **sigh** Only I have the luck of having someone die on me twice in two months. Seriously! Who does that happen to?! The good news though is that none of the others are calling either. And I like it.

Head to the bar. Hang with Freak Mama, FB and Asia. Crazy James and Tiny come. I beat Tiny’s ass in darts. He’s borderline normal tonight. I see a catch a couple glimpses of the “human tiny” I saw the night at the casino and I like it. But then his boys come in and it’s back to trying to be a bad ass. I focus my attention on Sassy, Freak Mama, Baby Girl, Big Daddy and FB. Freak Mama has a mini-meltdown and Sassy and I have to run reconnaissance. After I go home I think about what she told us and spend the rest of the night tossing and turning. I’m worried about her.

Boo F-ing Hoo

IM’d with Clingy. He’s pushing to meet me. I continue to put him off. Finally returned Big Tongue’s call at lunch. He’s worried that I’m mad at him. I tell him I’ve been really busy.

MOB IM’s me in the afternoon. I had sent out a forward to a bunch of people and apparently it amused him.

MOB: that was funny. thanks for the laugh
ME: anytime. that's what i'm here for.
MOB: now you tryin to be funny. how was your week?
ME: fine? yours?
MOB: good, i've got a black eye though
ME: why do you have a black eye?
MOB: trying to protect the innocent
ME: ha! right. who was the innocent? i want details.
MOB: her names Kelly. i think she's a stripper cuz she was really cute. some guy was trying to beat her up at the gas station, come to find out it was her ex, and you know me, i just hate feminine abuse, so i walk over there just trying to calm him down so he wouldn't go to jail and he hit me, you know the rest of the story. i beat the shit out this dude till the police got there, i was really trying to stop this guy from going to jail and he hit me. so she gave me a hundred dollars and said she wants to cook dinner for me, i told her I'd think about it. that's what happened.
ME: wow. congrats, romeo. did you know her before this? sounds to me like you've got a date. "i wanna cook you dinner" is generally code for "this is a good way to get you to come over so i can have sex with you." lol. i tried that one on you before. you never took the bait.
MOB: that was my first time every seeing her. i don't remember you ever asking me over for dinner
ME: are you kidding me? you have very selective memory, my dear. anyway, nice of you to help out a damsel in distress.
MOB: if you would’ve asked me, i would’ve came
ME: whatever.
MOB: try me
ME: offer no longer stands.
MOB: really?
ME: nope.

Well, at least he’s being original in trying to make me feel bad for him now. I’ll give him an A for effort. But trying to make me jealous with that story? Again, only reiterates what an asshole he is. True story or not.

Shoo Fly, Don't Bother Me

IM’d with Clingy and Ron throughout the day. They’re both fine but nothing that particularly gets my blood pumping.

Decided I needed a night off. Took some me time and pampered myself with a home spa treatment. Talked to Sca on the phone for awhile. She lost her internet love at the same time as Jas disappeared on me so we’ve been in depression together. But tonight her man reappeared from Yemen. Well, not really Yemen, po-dunk Massachuesetts. But that really has no ring to it so Sca and I had convinced ourselves that Jas and her man were abducted by aliens and forced to hunt bears in Yemen. Anyway, her man contacted her finally. I was so happy for her! We were sure that Jas’s call could not be far behind. Every time my phone rang I jumped. But it was Clingy, Barbershop and Big Tongue so I didn’t answer. Jas never called.

No Way Did He Just Say It Again

Talked to Clingy online and via telephone. He’s very nice and super sweet but possible warnings signs as to possessive and needy. Ignored more calls from Barbershop. King Andrew called. Wanted to see me but I had a luxury box at the Clippers versus Celtics game and I wasn’t going to give up feeling like a rock star or an exciting double overtime saga. I told him I’d call him tomorrow and he said “Okay, talk to tomorrow. I love you.” I hung up without saying a word, convincing myself that is a custom in his country. I end all conversations with my relatives the same way. Maybe on his island that salutation is spread past relatives to friends, business partners and chicks you’ve recently hooked up with in a bar.

Can I Get A Snip-Snip?

Talked to Gloves. He’s getting ready to hit the road again. He’s sorry he couldn’t see me last night. Usher calls and tells me to come over for a pamper day. Says he’ll wine and dine me and give me a full body massage. But I already have plans.

King Andrew takes me out for dinner and drinks on the pier. We listen to a reggae band. We head back to my bar to play some darts. He carries his own set. I’m so screwed! Freak Mama, Sassy and Joy are there. He not only buys all of my drinks but also all of theirs and pays for numerous dart games. After he kills all of us in darts he and I sit and talk, continuing to drink, while he tells me how he badly he wants to take me back to his island in the Caribbean. He plans on moving back to retire in a few years and thinks it would be a wonderful place to take me. I have to admit when he told me about it, it did sound tempting. I pictured myself sprawled out on a sandy white beach, blue ocean waves crashing on the shore, drinking daiquiris in a coconut bra and working on my novel. Occasionally I would run into the water and frolic and swim with my school of pet dolphins…okay, way too much rum…

It’s getting late and I can tell we’re both horny. I started this date thinking there was no way I would sleep with this guy. Now here I was wondering when the hell we were going to quite talking and get to the sex. He practically reads my mind and offers to get us a hotel room. Usually it’s my house or his but hey, if he wants to spring for a room, I’m down. It sounds fun.

We go to the hotel and to our room. I’m not nervous by any means but something about it feels, I don’t know, dirty. Like we were doing something secretive. People get hotel rooms in the movies. Right?

Anyway, we sit on the bed and start messing around. One thing leads to another which leads to another and soon we’re getting undressed. And then I see it. I’m kissing his chest, I sneak a peak at the treasure and I jump back. What the hell is wrong with it? Oh my god. He’s not circumcised. I once had a friend who dated a Jewish guy that wasn’t snipped and she told me it was no big deal. Still, I’m a little freaked out by it. Childish I know but have you seen one of them? It’s weird! I put it out of my mind and get on with it. It’s fine. I’ll give the guy points for stamina.

Truth be told everyone lies during pillow talk. I’ve said my fair share of things I didn’t mean when I’m getting tussled. One gets caught up in the moment and it’s diarrhea of the mouth. We’re be-bopping away and he’s saying how he wants to take care of me and how beautiful I am and then he says…”I think I’m falling in love with you.” I pretend I don’t hear him. “Ooh, baby. Yes. Right there.” And he kisses me, looks me straight in the eye and says “I love you.” I try to ignore him again. “Do you love me too?” Shit. Are you kidding me? No, I don’t love you, moron. Maybe this is this guys thing? Like a foot fetish? He needs to hear a woman say it to get off? I think I read about this once. I’m trying to think fast on how to handle this. He stops and looks down at me. “Don’t you love me, baby?” I smile and kiss him. “Of course I do.” In an instant he is pumping away again, better than ever. I guess that was just his thing. And he knows I’m not serious so no harm, no foul.

Hey, Big Spender

After a round of morning fun Gloves takes off around nine a.m. Clingy called. Dorothy and Sam are having some kind of lovers quarrel and Gloves and I are suddenly in the middle of it. I, of course, have to side with my girl because A-she’s my girl and B-she’s totally right. Gloves is torn because Sam is his cousin but he knows Dorothy is way to good to put up with his shit. Somehow Gloves and I end up playing messengers back and forth. Sam tells Gloves to tell me to tell Dorothy….blah blah blah high school shit. I let Gloves know I’m not playing this game. It has nothing to do with us. Dorothy and Sam can hash it out themselves. Sometimes you have to force a boy to be a man. Gloves says he’ll call me later when he’s on his way to the bar.

I head up to the bar and wait for Dorothy. I hang out with Asia and Preach. I notice a man staring at me from a couple seats down. Eventually he makes his way over and starts small talk about the basketball game that’s on. He then asks me if Asia is my husband. Asia and I about pee our pants laughing so hard (oh wait, that is so not funny anymore). He asks if he can sit down and buy me a drink. I’m not gonna deny a drink. The conversation is a bit strained because of the DJ blaring R. Kelly at the front of the bar and the fact that King Andrew has a crazy Caribbean accent. But the more drinks he buys me, the better I can understand him. I pick up key words as he goes: Beautiful eyes. So pretty. I make too much money to spend on myself. I’ve watched you for a long time. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Nice smile.

By the time Dorothy gets there I’m leaps and bounds ahead of her in the drink department. King Andrew buys her a couple drinks as well. Then asks me to leave with him to get dinner. I decline because I’m supposed to meet Gloves. Can he take me to another club? I decline. I tell him he can take me to a dinner and a club if he wants to tomorrow night but I’m hanging with Dorothy for now. We exchange numbers and he tells me he will call tomorrow.

The hours are ticking by. Dorothy leaves to go visit a special friend. Gloves is not to the bar yet. I try to call him but I get the voicemail. I’m pissed because he should’ve called. If I knew he was going to bail I could’ve went out with King Andrew the money man. Damn. That’ll teach me.

Honey, I'm Home

Instant messaged all day with two internet newbies, Clingy and Ron. Clingy also called. Talked to Fury.

To the bar with Dorothy, Freak Mama, Joy and Preach. MOB came up. Bought Dorothy and I flowers. At least he’s smart enough to have figured out you have to get my friends on your side if you want a chance with me. Not that it’ll ever work but it’s a nice gesture. Talk to Smoke and CC for awhile. Gloves calls. He’s home a day early. Wants to see me. I tell him to meet us at the house.

Dorothy, CC, Gloves and I sit around drinking and smoking until 3 in the morning. CC is desperately trying to bust a move on Dorothy which is hilarious. Not that there is anything wrong with CC. He is funny, sweet and even cute in your favorite little brother sort of way. The guy just doesn’t leak any sexual chemistry. And Dorothy is messing with Sam who may be the most gorgeous guy in a 5 mile radius. Sorry, CC, not gonna happen. But definite A for effort.

CC leaves and it’s just Dorothy, Gloves and I. We all chit chat for a while and then Dorothy heads home. Oddly, I’ve missed Gloves much more than I realized. He makes me smile. We head to bed. Not that we go to sleep for another couple of hours...and again, just for the record, out of this world

With A Smile

I couldn’t help but watch them
As he stood there
Trying to mask his concern
He could tell that something about her had changed
Why was she so angry?
Didn’t she know how much he loved her?
What had he done wrong?
Her flushed cheeks seemed to scream where do I begin?
With the woman who just walked out the door?
The fact that you don’t call me anymore?
Or the lies you told me time and again?
But all I heard her say, in her sweetest voice,
Which was more amused than angered:
"I don’t think learning not to love you anymore is going to be as hard as I had thought"
And she walked away with a smile
That she hadn’t worn in his presence for a very long time…

That Smile Doesn't Work Anymore

That just figures, doesn’t it? No Jason. But every other man under the sun that I know is calling. Big Tongue, Fury, NFL, DG. They all wanted my attention today.

To the bar. Darts with Preach, Dorothy, Freak Mama, Sassy and CC. CC is licking our ears and faces. Rather bizarre. Freak Mama felt the need to start biting our nipples. Dorothy and I are looking to leave here covered in slobber and bruises. MOB saunters in and flashes me that smile. It doesn’t hurt. I don’t melt. I don’t punch him. I just smile back and act like a civil adult. CC, Dorothy, MOB and I shoot the shit.

I walk outside to find Freak Mama and she is kissing a chick outside the bar. My eyes start burning. I feel like I did when I walked in on my grandparents having sex in the second grade. My jaw drops and I can’t run away. “Holy Shit” is all I can mutter. Freak Mama looks up and rushes over to me. Her girl goes back inside. “Dude, what are you doing?” She busts out laughing and buries her head in my shoulder. “I don’t know! I told her I’d never kissed a woman and she just laid it on me. I’m experimenting.” We keep laughing. “Did you like it?” She squeals. “I don’t know! I’m too drunk.” I take her back inside before she decides to “experiment” on the homeless guy and his dog across the street.

MOB’s phone keeps blowing up. I tell him to answer because it might be Joy. “Oh, you’re funny.” Of course it’s the crazy baby mama, but I just want him to know that I know he lied about fucking her. He asks if he can talk to me after the bar. I tell him no. He says we’ll play for it. I laugh. I can kick his ass in darts any day of the week. He says, “If I win, you have to hear me out.” I counter. “And if I win, you can never speak to me again unless I address you first.” He thinks. “Fair enough.” We shake. He smirks and I know he’s up to something.

We play the first game and I’m totally off. I can’t focus. He’s dead on. Halfway through the game he says, “Hey, boo, did I tell you I got a dart board last week? I’ve been practicing every day.” I’m pissed. He wins. I say best out of three and he agrees. I lose the second game by one point. Crap!

Dorothy and I go to leave. MOB stops me by the door. He asks me a question and I tell him I’m sorry, I really don’t think about him anymore. “Well I still think about you every day.” I look at Dorothy for support. Like myself, she doesn’t know what to say. He asks if he can come over. I tell him the garage door will be open for 15 minutes. That is his window. In fifteen minutes I am closing it and going to bed whether he’s there or not.

MOB is at my house within six minutes. He parks in front of the garage and we head in. I hit the button to close the door. He is apparently parked closer than usual because we hear a scrap/crunch/smack as the garage door hits his car. I start laughing uncontrollably. I can’t stop. The madder he gets, the harder I laugh. It’s not funny but damn, it’s funny. He loves that damn ugly car.

We end up talking until 4 AM. No hanky panky. No funny business. Just talking about everything from what went wrong with us to family to bullshit to music. It was nice. But I started to feel like he was human again and that wasn’t a good thing. I had to remind myself that no matter how awesome and loving he is when we’re one on one, the minute I’m not there he is a lying, conniving, deceiving little fuck. I glance at a picture I had in a frame of he and my sister. Suddenly, he’s a monster again and I’m good to go. And even that smile doesn't work anymore.

Pining Away

Jas is still MIA. His phone is off. He’s not calling. I pray he’s not back in the hospital or worse.

Big Tongue called. I talked to him for a little while. He wanted me to come over and hang out. I told him I had to go get groceries. I don’t think he liked that.

Talked to Gloves. He said he’s going to be coming home on Saturday for a day or two. Hopefully we can hook up.

I'm Not Going Out Tonight, Really

I try calling Jas in the afternoon but it again goes straight to voicemail. I wait for him to call. I clean the house. I bake cookies. I whip together a casserole and do some laundry. What could possibly be going on with him? My heart sinks. What if he’s sick? He said he was worried about his cold and chest pains because if he got pneumonia he would probably die (his lung had not yet fully recovered from the bullet wound). My head starts spinning. No way is this guy blowing me off. Not after Thursday night and the things he’s been saying all week. Something is wrong. I feel it in my gut. But I have no way to get a hold of him besides his cell. I can’t sit around here all night and think about it. He’ll call me if he gets a chance.

I go to the bar with Freak Mama, Joy, Preach, Baby Girl, CC and Smoke. Smoke is again inquiring why we can’t hook up. I am again blowing him off and refrain from telling him his cousin Glove banged me like a screen door in Hurricane Andrew. But I tease him by doing blow job shots with Baby Girl and Freak Mama. At one point I have some stray whipped cream in my hair from the shot. I look at Smoke and smile. I can see his mouth watering.

After hours at my house with Freak Mama, Joy, Usher, Baby Girl, Big Daddy, Tiny Pop, Coral and Fort Dodge. I’m distracted by the fact that I have not heard from Jas. I sit and watch everyone having a good time and get very sleepy. My mind is not in this.

Maybe Someone Slipped Me A Roofy??

I get a call out of the blue from NFL. He’s cool and we used to have fun back in the day but I don’t fuck with football players anymore, Superbowl rings or not. I swear they give them a bi-polar pill when they enter training camp.

To the bar with Dorothy. Joy, Sassy, FB, Freak Mama are all there. MOB came. Kept smiling at me from further down the bar. I would just turn away but he kept getting closer and closer. Eventually he makes his way down to me, once I was alone because Dorothy and Freak Mama ran across the street.

MOB: Hey boo. Don’t I get a hello?
Me: Did you get my email?
MOB: My pops said I had one from you. But I haven’t checked it yet.
Me: Why was pops on your account again?

He shrugs.

MOB: What did it say?
ME: Just read it.
MOB: Tell me what it said, boo.
ME: It said you’re the assface of the world and to never speak to me again.

He laughs but I’m not kidding.

MOB: What are you talking about? What’s wrong with you?
ME: I loved hearing how you said we were never a couple and you wanted to fuck my sister. That was classy. Thanks.
MOB: You heard me say that, right? So you know it’s a fact.
ME: Doesn’t matter. I know you said it.
MOB: Because you heard me? How else would you know?
ME: Because I trust the person that told me.
MOB: Ever stop to think that maybe the person who told you has a crush on me and is trying to keep us apart?
ME: (trying not to laugh) No.
MOB: Well, maybe you should.
ME: Maybe you should fuck off.

And with that, MOB walks away. Every fiber in my body wants to run after him, tackle him to the ground and kick him in the face. But like any lady in a crowded bar would, I refrain.

I check my phone. Message from Big Tongue asking me to call him and tell him why I’m so angry at him. No calls from Jas. I leave him a message and let him know I’m at the bar.

2 AM
After hours with Freak Mama, FB, Sassy, Dorothy, Crazy James, Cuz, Wayans, T and Ruby. In a hammered stupor I try calling Jas again on the way to the house. It goes straight to voicemail.

We continue drinking at the house. Slamming white russians and doing shot after shot. Freak Mama and Ruby get into it again because he’s running his mouth.

Note to self: Ruby is not allowed in my house again if Freak Mama is there. Guy doesn’t know when enough is enough.

4 AM
I can no longer fight it. My body is the Cherokee people and the booze is the U.S. Government. It’s a slaughter and the land has been lost. I pass out on the couch while telling someone I’m cold.

6 AM
I wake up freezing. I’m alone. I have to pee so bad I can taste it. I make my way to the bathroom and relieve myself. Then head upstairs to my room and pass out on the bed.

8 AM
I need water but I can barely move. And why are my socks wet? I summon all my energy and make my way to the kitchen. The bottom cupboard door is open and there is Tupperware strewn about on the floor. And what looks like water filling some of the containers and also puddled on the floor. Crazy roommates. Oh well. My head hurts too bad. I’ll clean it later. Back to bed.

10 AM
There is a loud barrage of knocks on my bedroom door. NYC comes flying in. “Um, dude, I think one of your friends pissed on the kitchen floor last night.” I sit up in bed. “What?” She holds up her hands. “The kitchen mat was wet so I went to put it in the wash. My hands smell like piss.” I sit for a second…piecing together the puzzle: wet socks. I had to pee. I was digging for Tupperware at some point. I think I squatted and pee’d outside the bar last night. Waking up and having to urinate like a Russian race horse…Oh my god, I peed on the kitchen floor last night!!! Would it not have been easier to go into the bathroom? Why did I think a sandwich size gladware was going to hold everything I had to offer? What the hell is wrong with me?!?! I think someone put something in my drink at the bar. I was out of my mind and have consumed more alcohol than that on numerous occasions. Never have I behaved like a naughty puppy on the kitchen floor.

Thank god I’m not going out tonight. I’m just going to chill with Jas and not have to worry about doing anything stupid.

Can You Be Real?

Jas calls and says he’s on his way over. I feel like I could throw up. I never get nervous. I don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure how to feel.

He gets out of the car and we lit up when we saw each other. We sat down on the couch, in front of the Christmas tree and talked for hours. He kept staring at me and telling me how beautiful I was and how much he thought about me and couldn't forget my eyes. He kept looking into my eyes and smiling and telling me how much he missed me, how he was trying to explain my eyes to his friends but couldn't do them justice and had a picture of them in his mind since the last time he saw me.

We talked about the night and his friend who died and how close they were. Jas didn't get to go to the funeral because he was still in the hospital. It broke my heart to hear him speak about his friend’s family (who lives next door to his) and how much he misses him. I told him how sorry I was for the way I acted and he said that he wasn't mad at me when I showed up with MOB. He said he didn't like it but he said he knew in his heart things were going to work out between us and that it was just a matter of time. The entire time we were talking he kept tracing his fingers over my hand and playing with my hair.

Then he told me that one of the last things he remembered seeing was my face. I told him I was standing by him until they made me leave. I didn't think he knew that because he was in and out of consciousness but he said, "I know. You were on my right side and you were crying." And I was. The way he was looking at me, I started crying again. Not sobbing or anything but I had tears running down my face and I couldn't stop. I kept saying how sorry I was and he said that he wasn't. He’d do the whole night over again. And he wiped away my tears and kissed each of my cheeks and told me it was okay now. That everything was gonna be okay now. And I believed him. We held hands and smiled and talked and kissed and caught up. We made plans to spend all day Saturday and Sunday together. He wants to go to the beach tomorrow night.

It was so surreal. Like sitting there with a ghost. He kept kissing my hand and touching my face and said "I’m making sure you're really here." and that's the same way I felt. I can’t believe I almost lost this guy for MOB. As it got later and later I knew I had to go to sleep but I didn’t want him to go. We said goodbye about a hundred times but neither of us moved towards the door. Finally, with one more kiss and a hug, he walked out to his car and I went to bed. I laid down at 1 AM and was still smiling when I woke up hours later.

Emotional Overload

Big Tongue and Fury call. I can’t talk to them right now. I’m discombobulated.

I head to the bar for Salsa’s baby shower. Yes, a baby shower in the bar. Hold your judgment. She’s a bartender, we are her friends, it makes sense. After the gift giving and stuffing of our faces, Vagina Jane and I play some darts with Crazy James, Preach, FB and Asia.

Jas calls. I go outside so I can hear him. He sounds like he’s getting a cold. I tell him to get some rest. We don’t have to meet up tomorrow night. He needs to make sure he’s healthy. He says “After everything I’ve been through, a little cold isn’t going to stop me from seeing you.” I am uncomfortable just thinking about everything he’s been through. And as if he read my mind he says, “It’s not your fault.” I don’t believe him. “You went there because of me and I was a total bitch to you.” Again he says, “It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you.” I tell him to rest up tonight and we’ll see how he’s feeling tomorrow. I hang up and really, really hope he’s feeling better. I want to see him badly.

I go back inside with my friends but I can’t catch the vibe. I duck out early and head home, only to lie in bed for hours staring at my clock and thinking of Jas. I can't believe he wants to see me so badly. If I were him, I'd never want to see me again.