Maybe Someone Slipped Me A Roofy??

I get a call out of the blue from NFL. He’s cool and we used to have fun back in the day but I don’t fuck with football players anymore, Superbowl rings or not. I swear they give them a bi-polar pill when they enter training camp.

To the bar with Dorothy. Joy, Sassy, FB, Freak Mama are all there. MOB came. Kept smiling at me from further down the bar. I would just turn away but he kept getting closer and closer. Eventually he makes his way down to me, once I was alone because Dorothy and Freak Mama ran across the street.

MOB: Hey boo. Don’t I get a hello?
Me: Did you get my email?
MOB: My pops said I had one from you. But I haven’t checked it yet.
Me: Why was pops on your account again?

He shrugs.

MOB: What did it say?
ME: Just read it.
MOB: Tell me what it said, boo.
ME: It said you’re the assface of the world and to never speak to me again.

He laughs but I’m not kidding.

MOB: What are you talking about? What’s wrong with you?
ME: I loved hearing how you said we were never a couple and you wanted to fuck my sister. That was classy. Thanks.
MOB: You heard me say that, right? So you know it’s a fact.
ME: Doesn’t matter. I know you said it.
MOB: Because you heard me? How else would you know?
ME: Because I trust the person that told me.
MOB: Ever stop to think that maybe the person who told you has a crush on me and is trying to keep us apart?
ME: (trying not to laugh) No.
MOB: Well, maybe you should.
ME: Maybe you should fuck off.

And with that, MOB walks away. Every fiber in my body wants to run after him, tackle him to the ground and kick him in the face. But like any lady in a crowded bar would, I refrain.

I check my phone. Message from Big Tongue asking me to call him and tell him why I’m so angry at him. No calls from Jas. I leave him a message and let him know I’m at the bar.

2 AM
After hours with Freak Mama, FB, Sassy, Dorothy, Crazy James, Cuz, Wayans, T and Ruby. In a hammered stupor I try calling Jas again on the way to the house. It goes straight to voicemail.

We continue drinking at the house. Slamming white russians and doing shot after shot. Freak Mama and Ruby get into it again because he’s running his mouth.

Note to self: Ruby is not allowed in my house again if Freak Mama is there. Guy doesn’t know when enough is enough.

4 AM
I can no longer fight it. My body is the Cherokee people and the booze is the U.S. Government. It’s a slaughter and the land has been lost. I pass out on the couch while telling someone I’m cold.

6 AM
I wake up freezing. I’m alone. I have to pee so bad I can taste it. I make my way to the bathroom and relieve myself. Then head upstairs to my room and pass out on the bed.

8 AM
I need water but I can barely move. And why are my socks wet? I summon all my energy and make my way to the kitchen. The bottom cupboard door is open and there is Tupperware strewn about on the floor. And what looks like water filling some of the containers and also puddled on the floor. Crazy roommates. Oh well. My head hurts too bad. I’ll clean it later. Back to bed.

10 AM
There is a loud barrage of knocks on my bedroom door. NYC comes flying in. “Um, dude, I think one of your friends pissed on the kitchen floor last night.” I sit up in bed. “What?” She holds up her hands. “The kitchen mat was wet so I went to put it in the wash. My hands smell like piss.” I sit for a second…piecing together the puzzle: wet socks. I had to pee. I was digging for Tupperware at some point. I think I squatted and pee’d outside the bar last night. Waking up and having to urinate like a Russian race horse…Oh my god, I peed on the kitchen floor last night!!! Would it not have been easier to go into the bathroom? Why did I think a sandwich size gladware was going to hold everything I had to offer? What the hell is wrong with me?!?! I think someone put something in my drink at the bar. I was out of my mind and have consumed more alcohol than that on numerous occasions. Never have I behaved like a naughty puppy on the kitchen floor.

Thank god I’m not going out tonight. I’m just going to chill with Jas and not have to worry about doing anything stupid.