If We Were Born With A Treasure Map

I’ve never really believed in soulmates or “the one”, well maybe as a child before I discovered the reality of the world. Back then Cinderella seemed perfectly logical. Once you grow up you realize that there seems to always be something wrong with that glass slipper. Maybe because it’s made of glass? How comfortable can a glass slipper really be? Shouldn’t it be made out of clouds or cotton or something more comfortable? Was this an omen to what real love would be like? Stiff and uncomfortable and non-conforming to what your foot and heart needs?

The more princes I came across that tried to jam my foot into this slipper, the harder I fought to keep it off. I thought you love, you lose, you try to do better next time. Then you meet someone and they flip your life completely upside down, making you question who you are and what you want. You find yourself desperately wanting that slipper in his hand to fit, despite all your doubts and past experiences. You find you want him, more than anything, with your whole heart. You no longer think it was chance that he came along. There are too many variables and circumstances for that. Too many things you could have easily ran from but chose to fight through.

It surprises me to find myself thinking that maybe there is a plan. Perhaps we’ve been training for this our entire lives so we get it right with each other. Maybe when we are born God gives us a map, a treasure hunt to your other half. He couldn’t make it easy and give you a name and address and tell us to show up there on a specific date. We have to find each other. We had to practice on the wrong ones so we wouldn’t mess it up when the time was right. Only after the trials and tribulations of broken hearts would we know that we had a treasure when we found it. We had to grow into who we’ve become after the world has tried so hard to keep us apart.

And if that is the case, how do we know when the hunt is over? Do you stop because you’re tired of searching and this will do just fine? Will the other person seem like a cavern full of gold once discovered and the answer will be obvious? Or is it possible you could misread the map and keep on searching even though you had once held the treasure in your arms and heart but thought a better treasure was waiting out there for you? How are we supposed to know when the map has led us to where we need to be? I question these things now. Then, as I wonder, you hold me in your arms, stare into my eyes, kiss my lips gently and I know there is no place in the universe I would rather be. So whether I’m your other half or just a dot on your map to the one, all I can do is make the most of every single moment that I have with you, remember lessons learned from the past, and pray that you were my last first kiss. I’m forced to trust that the big guy up high is a good navigator and that your map ends here, with my heart in your hands.

He Banged Me Like A Screen Door In Hurricane Andrew

FRIDAY
There is nothing to report except for the fact there is nothing to report. I haven't heard from MNS since his emails Tuesday night. The last email I got from him said he would probably be over Wednesday morning. Obviously he did not make it, or Thursday, or this morning. It sucks because I would've liked to see him before I left for the weekend but there is only so much I can do when his phone is off. I sent him an email each day to see how he was and got no response. If I don't hear from him by Monday I will start to freak out. Instead of being sad that I won't get to see him or talk to him I'm hoping it will be a nice little reminder for him. I like my life and I'm going to spend my weekend at home with the family. That makes me happy. He hates his life and he has to spend the weekend with the wife and possibly no contact with me. The bitchy girl in me is hoping that will be a little wake-up call for him and that he misses me terribly. Not sure if it will work or not but that's what I'm telling myself is going to go down.

I didn't hear from Mob yesterday. I assume he is still alive and recovering. I'm sure he'll call in the next few days when he can. In other ex news, I have decided to go after Von for some of my money. I sent him a myspace a few days ago asking for part of it. He read it but didn't reply. He has until Monday to make some effort and/or contact or I'm going to small claims court. And I won't just be asking for the $600 I brought up in my myspace message, I would go after all of it. Well, all that I can. He owes me over $5000 but I think the small claims limit is $3000. But hey, I haven't seen a penny yet despite his promises so anything would make me extremely happy at this point. I'm sure he won't pay and I'll be faced with the decision to send him to jail for contempt or not. What amuses me is that I know he thinks I would never follow through on that and send him to jail because I once loved him so. He has no idea how deep my "contempt" for him runs and I will do it in an instant if I win and he refuses to pay. Good times, good times.

9:30 AM
I get an email from MNS asking when I'm leaving for home and apologizing for slacking the last few days but they gave him meds for his back and they knock him out. He wonders what's going on with me and says he misses me. When he was over on Tuesday he had told me he was only taking ibuprofen for his back because he doesn't like taking pills. I'm feeling a little guilty right now. He was in pain already, came over and banged me like a screen door for an hour...so much that he missed his favorite past time of bowling that night and since has had to be put on medication to ease the pain. Oops, I fucked my boyfriend disabled. My bad. There go my hopes of a nooner at lunch if he can't move and can't stay awake. It would be like the night I lost my virginity all over again. Oh well. Hopefully he will heal by the time I return in three days.

Stupid guys keep blowing up my online box. I don't check the messages really. I just go in and clear them out when I have received a few dozen notifications that I have mail. Remember the guy that I met once and then he saw me downtown walking and freaked me out? Yeah, he has sent me six messages in the last three days. What is wrong with you? And where did you learn how to spell? What does this even say?! "imam okay ty for asking so i seen you in one of your frends boxws on here." Huh? Hooked on phonics worked for me, give it a try. Oh, and leave me alone! If I haven't answered your last 39 messages, I probably don't want to talk. Just a thought.

I considered texting Mason to see what he's up to tonight. I'll be going through his town and debated stopping to get a drink with him. He's been stressed out lately and needing to talk a lot and it would be fun to catch up and we're both cool on the friends level. Then I think about the last time I saw him and how I have no recollection of the evening and I'm pretty sure I do not want to walk into that bar again...ever. Sorry Mason, maybe next trip. No updates on Mob yet today. If I don't hear anything I will try to call him tomorrow.

Friday Afternoon
I don't end up going home because of work. We are super busy and I know Monday will only suck even worse if I don't stay here and work overtime. MNS and I email back and forth in the late afternoon. I tell him I'm not going home and he says he's sorry I can't go home because he knows I wanted to but he's happy because he really wants to see me. Well, hopefully he comes through on that. We've never spent any time together over the weekend. Usually our talk is minimal on the weekends as well. It would be a pleasant surprise to spend some time with him where neither of us had to jump out of bed and run off to work. For a minute I think about what that would be like. Just lying there and talking and having sex and talking and having sex with no time constraints. *sigh* It's a beautiful dream. And maybe I'll hit the lottery too. They both seem equally likely.

Friday Night
Nothing from MNS. I drink wine with Yommey and Fair. I text Mob because I haven't heard from him. His crazy baby mama responds not to text his phone anymore. I tell her to fuck off and we go a few rounds and then she gives up. Somedays she just makes it way too easy to get my bitch on. Q texts me and I reply "just go away".

Roulette

TUESDAY 1:25 PM
I get a text from Mob's phone. It tells me he was shot three times last night and is in critical condition. My heart sinks. His buddy, Jun, has his phone and figured he better let me know asap. He asks me if I talked to Mob last night and I said I did and that he was being all weird on me. He asks me why I didn't stop him from going. I start to crack. I tried to stop him! I've been trying to stop him since I met him almost a decade ago! Don't put this on me. You are there with him. Why didn't you stop him? Anyway, he can't tell me what hospital he's in because "the family" aka Pops, doesn't want anyone (meaning me and the people that want him dead) to know. I tell Jun that is completely fucked up and I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't tell me. We text back and forth throughout the day. He sends me updates when he has any and tries to calm me down. I tell Jun to tell him I love him.

I have a total migraine. I can't imagine what I would do if Mob died. No, I haven't seen him in three years but that doesn't mean I don't love the guy and wouldn't miss talking to him almost daily. It's hard to explain to someone that's never been in a situation like this with a family like his. If he died, I would not be allowed at the funeral. The thought brings tears to my eyes. If I showed up at his funeral, I would be killed. Take a minute to absorb that. It's heavy. I've always known it. In the back of my mind I always thought it would get better. That maybe if he lived to be 50 I could go and it would be okay. If he dies today, Monday night will be all I will ever have of him. I know his friends would do what they could for me but they also fear his Pops and some of them work for the family so their hands would be tied. This is my reality. I'm not ready to face that reality today. He has to survive this.

A few emails with MNS after work while I'm running around looking at houses. They are short but sweet. I love when he refers to us as "we". It's nice to know "we" agree that we are a "we". I ran an errand for him over lunch and he says he will try to stop by in the morning. He tells me he doesn't think he is bowling tonight because his back still hurts. Wow. Your back hurts that bad and you came and did me like you did this morning and you're skipping your favorite activity of bowling with the boys because of the pain? I'm climbing up the chain of priorities nicely. It's a good feeling. I email him before bed and tell him that the door will be unlocked in the morning in case he decides to come over.

Q sends me a text and asks if I miss him. I don't reply. I think he's brain dead. I miss him like a case of headlice. Jun texts me and says that Mob is awake. He asked for me. Jun told him I loved him. The doctors think he will pull through okay. I am relieved and grateful. Jun promises to continue to keep me posted and try to get me on the phone with Mob as soon as he can.

WEDNESDAY
I wake up and have two missed texts from Mob. I was out like a light and didn't hear them. MNS doesn't come over in the morning so I head to work. I text Mob back on my way. He is obviously on a lot of pain killers and his texts are next to incoherent but he's alive and he's in contact and I'm glad for that. He says he was shot in the arm, chest and side but it's ok. He made it out alive, no one else did. I tell him he needs to stop playing roulette with his life and get his head out of his ass. His last text says "we will be together. I love you too much to lose you again." I think about this and what it means. I do not write him back. What would I do if Mob finally decided to prove his love to me? What if this last bout of near-death experience really opened his eyes? I'm finally where I want to be with MNS, well, getting closer anyway, and what if Mob decided it was time to come and sweep me off my feet. Old love versus new love? It would be quite the debacle. Not that I see that happening. I'm just talking in theoretics right now. I think I would have to tell Mob I am sorry and see what happens with MNS. And then Mob would go back to the streets and the life I have been trying to save him from for years with the promise of my love. So I would be a big fat liar, pretty much. Fun thoughts, fun thoughts. Speaking of MNS, haven't heard from him yet today...

Things I Don't Care To Admit

MONDAY
It's rainy and cold as hell when I wake up. I wonder if MNS will be home today instead of working. Perhaps he will email me and say he doesn't have to go in to work and he wants to come over? I linger at home a little longer than usual, fearful the minute I get on the freeway he will contact me to come see me. When I can't wait any longer before risking being tardy, I take off, a bit sad. Yes, it's pathetic. I know. He emails me around 9 and says he is at work. He's hoping he can get off work early and we decide if he does we will rendezvous in the afternoon.

I can barely keep up with texts from Ronnie and Teej. Ronnie is in Vegas at March Madness and I'm pretty sure he's drunk. He is cracking me up. He tells me the old slutty casino we used to go to and party at has changed it's name. *tear* Times are a changing, that's for sure. Teej has no point in texting me. Small chit chat back and forth. Things are good. I tell him we should get a drink sometime and catch up. He says we wouldn't want to upset the significant others. He assumes I have a guy because I usually do in some form. I'm not about to explain to him I am free to have drinks with whomever I want since my boyfriend is married. I am however irked by his comment. I tell him that I said we should get drinks, not get naked. He's the one that's been trying to hook up with me for how long and I always blow him off. Oh Teej, please.

MNS says he's not getting off early and we'll have to meet up in the morning. I tell him that's fine. He asks if I'm ok and says I sound sad. How can he know I am sad over email? I put a smiley face. Shouldn't that mask all my insecurities? Apparently he knows me way too well. A little later he sends me an email that just says "I will be there at 6:30. I can't wait to see you." I wonder if he can tell that I'm smiling and doing the stupid goo-goo-ga-ga face when I reply that I can't wait to see him either.

10 PM
Mob starts texting me. One really long text that breaks into four on my phone. "I miss you so much. I sit here and think about all the times we had together and I want to cry. I should have never let you go. If you don't hear from me again, things went wrong tonight. I will always love you. If I could, I would be with you every day, all day long. I should've married you. I love you baby and I always will. You taught me the true meaning of love and for that I thank you. Bye, boo. I love you. I wish I could take back everything I ever did to hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. My only regret in the world is not fighting to keep you when you left me. I'll always be with you. I'm sorry for everything. I love you. I love you. I love you." Okay, so he loves me. That's never been a secret. I call him and he tells me what he's about to go do and I tell him not to go. This is a game I thought I was done playing 5 years ago. Tonight something sounds different in his voice. Tonight he sounds desperate to make me believe how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I know all of this already and I tell him to stop talking to me like he's never going to talk to me again. I tell him I love him too and he has a choice. There is always a choice. He doesn't understand this. He's not listening to me at all and talking a bunch of cryptic shit and I know I have to hit him where it hurts if I want any chance of stopping him. "If you love me like you say you do, then prove it! Don't go tonight! Come here and fight for me and show me how much you love me and marry me like you said you wanted to. We can have a life together but it's on you!" He starts crying. I've been crying for pretty much the duration of the conversation. "I love you. Never forget that, boo. You are the only woman I have ever loved." He hangs up the phone and he's gone.

It's a weird feeling having conversations like that with someone you love. And love him I do. No matter what Mob and I have gone through in the past, a part of me will always love him. If I really believed he could come here and turn his life around and we could be together I would give it a try again, as weird as that may sound. But he can't because that's not who he is or who he has become. And no matter how much he loves me and wishes we could build a life together, he loves the streets more. He was born to them, he will die on them...and I will not be his widow.

TUESDAY MORNING
MNS shows up at 6:30 as planned. He looks so cute when he walks in. He gives me a big hug and asks what's wrong. I tell him nothing and he tells me not to lie to him. I say I'm just tired, as if my puffy and bloodshot eyes don't give that away. I switch the subject to him and ask him if his back is feeling any better. He says a little but not much. I tell him to let me see if I can help and lead him to my room. I'm in heaven again. It's been two weeks since our nooner and we both need it badly. So badly that my mattress ends up sliding completely off of the box spring and we end up finishing in the middle of the floor. Not that either of us seemed to notice much. We fix the bed and curl up together and talk. He asks if I am going home this weekend and I say yes. He pouts! Not a girly pout but what we will refer to as a "man pout". A little grunt of disappointment and a tight squeeze. As if I see him so often on the weekends anyway. What are you pouting about? I tell him he better hurry and get the minutes on his phone so that we can talk while I'm gone. He assures me he will because he would miss me too much. I ask him about Jeter boy and why he spit in my drink. He swore to MNS that he didn't and would never do that. MNS told him to be careful because I'm not going anywhere and he needs to make nice with me. This makes me smile...a lot. I don't want him to see how giddy it makes me. I have to retain some illusion of control here. I kiss his neck and chest while he talks so he can't see my stupid girl glow. Of course this leads to another round of lovin' and it totally rocks my world. And this time we even managed to keep the bed in one piece. We get done and cuddle and chat again. He asks what time it is. I look and it's 7:45. Oops. He's supposed to be at work at 7:30 and I so should be on the road by now, as well. We quickly get dressed, exchange hurried kisses at the door and he says he will talk to me later as he rushes out while putting on his shoe.

I walk back in my room and fall onto my tussled bed. I can smell him on my pillow. I stare at the ceiling. Oh god, I love him. ERRRRR!!! What? Rewind! Did I just think that outloud? I close my eyes to shut out the thought but it doesn't work. It replays in my head. "I love him". I don't want to but I do. I can't deny it anymore. I'm not going to clue him in on this anytime soon, although I'm sure he already knows or at least suspects. My first reaction is fear. A million thoughts and reasons run through my mind of why I can't love him. But no matter how many reasons there are for why I shouldn't love him, the fact is that I do and it feels good and it makes me happy and I don't want to run from that. My second reaction is peace. I love MNS. It feels good to admit it. Are you happy now? I said it. I love him. I am completely in love with MNS. And I think he loves me too.

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Not The One I Want

FRIDAY
I didn't hear jack from MNS on Thursday and his phone is still off. I'm left wondering if my little tiff with his buddy was more detrimental than I originally feared. Only time will tell I guess. I'm sure he will pop up sooner or later. Well, at least I hope.

I go in to clear out my online dating box. It's ridiculously disappointing. There are a couple messages from guys I used to talk to but told to leave me alone. Why do men always think if they wait a few months your mind will change? It hasn't and it won't. Stop trying to contact me. The only one that peaks my interest is a generic message from Lost. The hottie from the Santa Pub Crawl. Hmmm...what to do, what to do?

I fear that I am failing the Apprentice. I realize I am not setting a very good example with my affair but my advice to her is out of love and trying to stop her self-destructive behavior. She claims to care and that she has to start loving herself but she makes piss poor decisions and doesn't think of any of the consequences of her actions. CW is not even pretending that he is going to leave his wife for her. Worse, I don't think she'd want him as bad if he was readily available to her. It just makes me sick to my stomach that she can look at his wife every day at work and play nice and like she's her best buddy at the office when she's fucking CW in the hotel bathroom down the lane during their afternoon breaks. Obviously, I have taught her nothing. She keeps claiming to have these epiphany's and life changing thoughts and moments but the minute the opportunity arises she is running off to destroy herself, her reputation and her self respect with CW. I'm out of ideas.

While I'm at work my IM starts flashing. I look and am shocked to see that it's Pella. What in the hell does he want? We have barely spoken since our date in December. He chit chats for awhile and says I'm being kind of cold. Well, what do you want me to be? I don't owe you shit. He says he met a girl in town and their dating and it's going well. I tell him I'm glad to hear it. He asks how my love life is going. I tell him I meet plenty of guys but none hold my interest. This is true, excluding MNS, and that situation is none of his business. He teases me that he set the bar too high for any potential suitors. "Oh yeah," I say. "a great date, hit and quit and disappear. How could anyone ever live up to that, ass?" He says he's sorry and I assure him it doesn't matter. It's hard to explain to a guy that it wasn't that you missed them coming around or anything of that sort but it was more of a ding to your pride. They wouldn't understand. Let him think he hurt poor, niave and innocent me. Hee hee. Stupid fools.

I tell Pella I need to get back to work. My IM dings again and this time it is finally MNS. He says he is so happy to finally be done with class so that he can talk to me again. He says he misses me and wonders if I'm going home this weekend or not. I tell him I am staying and ask if I will see him. He says he's hoping so. He has to get back to work but he will talk to me soon. I'm happy to hear from him but still wish it could've been more than a four minute conversation. He swears he will have minutes on his phone soon, as he has been promising all week.

FRIDAY NIGHT
Kong texts me and ends up coming over to hang out with Yommey and I. I am hoping the entire time that MNS will text me that he escaped and is going to come hang as well, but he does not. Kong stays for a few hours, we have some drinks and shoot the shit. I'm not sure what he's thinking this is. Friends or still potentially more. I don't give him a clue either way. I just have fun. If he tries to bust a move I would have to tell him I'm in like with another but for now, I have no problem being Kong's friend and keeping him in my pocket in case MSN and I come to a screeching halt any time soon. Kong is a great guy and a lot of fun and he's a good friend to have on my side. One can never have too many hot, buff friends. While we're sitting outside BigBoi texts me. I don't bother to respond. He's a flippin' idiot and I don't want or need him in my pocket.

SATURDAY
Spend the day with the family. It's wonderful to see them, as always. MNS emails me when I'm on my way to my brothers house. He asks when my family is arriving and tells me not to worry, that we will work something out to see each other this weekend. I tell him if he can get away I will try to break away for a little tryst as well.

A few texts from Kong. He's wondering if I want to do something. I tell him I'm still busy with the family and I'll catch up with him later in the week. He seems fine with that. Q sends me a text which I ignore. I wish I could strangle him through the phone. Vanilla sends me a message on facebook. A few texts with Mob as well.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

WEDNESDAY
Yommey and I wake up way to early and unfortunately I know that I have to go to work today. I need to save my days off for the funeral. Ugh. The funeral. I had done a decent job of blocking that out last night. Wait, I think I've blocked out a lot of things from last night. Yommey jumps in bed with me and we try to piece together the fuzzy parts of the night but we are of no help to each other. All she knows is that her stupid ex keeps texting her now and her boyfriend SAP is apparently really pissed because she sent him some bitchy texts last night, just like he had done to her Monday night. I'm trying to remember if MNS said he was coming over this morning or not. Something tells me he did but it's 6:45 already and I haven't heard from him. I must've misunderstood. Or maybe he's too busy with his wife and her kids. Who the hell knows. All I know is that Yommey's car is at her work, I'm her ride and she has to be there in 45 minutes.

7:02 AM
Yommey and I are pulling onto the freeway less than 2 minutes from home when I get an email from MNS. He asks if I'm going to work late today. He says he just woke up and wants to know if he can come over and see me or if it's too late. Gadzooks! Any other morning I would've whipped the car around and met him at the casa but I have to get Yommey to work. I write him back and tell him I just left to take her to her car but I can be back by 7:40 or he can come over tonight. I tell him to let me know which one he wants to do. I drop off Yommey and still haven't heard back from him. Okay then, guess I will go to work.

I call my mom on the way to work. She was supposed to call me when they got back last night to give me an update on his condition. I ask her what the status is and she sounds confused. She says we talked about it last night and she hasn't had any more news. I say I thought she was going to call when they got home. She says she did. Huh? "You don't remember talking to us at 9:30? You said you were at the bowling alley." Once she says it I vaguely remember a snippet of conversation. "Just how much did you drink last night?" she asks in her best motherly tone. I can't lie to my mom. I told her I got smashed out of my mind. How proud she must be.

They day rolls by with me wanting to vomit with every breath and trying to repiece my night back together. My cousins and siblings are texting me throughout the day about the impending doom of death and it makes it even harder to concentrate. I haven't heard anything more from MNS. I'm praying to god the guy I had my verbal tussle with was not his best friend or someone influential in his life that could destroy what I've been working so hard to build with him. I'm on the brink of a major breakdown. I get a call regarding a problem that arose last week. For the record, Q is no longer an annoyance or pest. I hate him and want to inflict severe bodily harm on him at this point.

Somehow I pull myself together and make it through the day. I get home and things have deteriorated further for Yommey and Sap. He is being a total dick to her and making her cry. Nothing in the world hurts me more or makes me more angry than watching her cry. I know he is not worth the tears but you can't tell someone that when they are in love. As far as I'm concerned he is nothing but an immature boy who has no balls and no idea how much she loves him. If he wanted a puppet he could control for a girlfriend he picked the wrong woman. Don't fall in love with a strong, independent, beautiful woman and expect her to roll around at your feet begging for your forgiveness for something everyone does that inflicted no harm and was more of a drunk annoyance than anything. And don't pick one that has a crazy best friend because if I ever see you again, I will lash you with my tongue until you cry.

Sap is a little bitch and the way he's treating Yommey makes me wanna drive to his town and do a two-for-one special on an ass whooping for him and Q. You don't think he deserves that? Let me break it down for a second and see if you don't want to hop on the Asshole Beatdown Express with me. He was supposed to call her when he got off work so they could talk. He texts her and says he's working late and not sure what time he'll get off. This is a copout clear as day. Even if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you can't. Why? Because he can't text when he's at work. And when she responds to this text it becomes a mini text war between them. As fast as she can send them, he is replying with some jackass comment. He's not at work. He is breaking up with her over text. Over text!! What kind of man does that? After 16 years of friendship, months of dating and claiming he loved her in a way that was unparalleled by anything he had ever felt before he breaks up with her over text? Grow some fucking balls, dude! For real. You are not a man. You are a coward. She cannot believe this is happening. I tell her my theory. He has been pushing her away for nearly two weeks. I think he was looking to get out and because she sent him some drunk texts, he is totally blowing it out of proportion and using it as his out. This way he can make it all her fault and he looks like the victim. No way, Jose. Nice try but it ain't going down like that. He doesn't bother to call her. Apparently, he worked all night long.

Denial Is A Pretty City That I Like To Visit Often

TUESDAY

I'm sitting at work, minding my own business when my phone rings. It's Professor Stalker. If I didn't love my new touchscreen phone like a child, I probably would've chucked it at the wall to silence the call. What in the hell does he want? He leaves me a message and I can barely bring myself to listen to it. Just thinking about hearing his voice again gives me the heebies. I had really hoped he had gotten mauled by a bear in the Yucatan or something. I listen to the message and it is normal Professor style. Talking on and on about nothing in particular that I could care less about. You don't believe me? Well this is how the message went. You be the judge. Would you leave this message for someone who hasn't spoken to you for months and last time they did, they threatened to turn you into the police for harassment? Ok, here it is but you have to imagine it really slow in a slight monotone with lots of dramatic pauses and sighs.

"Hey! What's up? I just got back into town. I've been out of town. I, um, for four days, I was gone...out of town. But I'm back in town now...for St. Paddy's! So I just thought I would call and see if you're going out tonight and what's up. So what's up? Haven't talked to you for awhile. Call me and we'll catch up. If you don't know who this is, this is Professor. Ok, call me. Bye."

Do you see what I'm talking about?! Dude is coo-koo, coo-koo. He leaves this message at 1:43 PM.

3:17 PM

I get a text from a number I don't know. Weird. Here's how this exchange goes down.

#: Hey there.
me: hi...who is this?
#: your boy blue. where are you?
me: i don't have a boy blue. who is this?
#: you going out tonight?
me: yes.
#: have fun. maybe i can see you later.
me: who is this?
#: :-)
me: i'm not playing this game. if you can't tell me who you are don't fucking contact me again.
#: professor

Professor then calls my phone from the mystery number. I answer and let loose asking him if he thinks he will enjoy being in jail and that I hope some guy with a pop bottle size dick makes him his bitch daily and that his principal at the catholic school he works at is going to love hearing the explanation of why the cops are serving him harassment papers at the school. He tries to interupt my rant "I just wanted to say hi..." I go off again. I don't want to hear anything from you...ever. I don't even want to hear the sound of your voice or picture your face. I tell him I hate him and hang up. This of course does not phase him.

#: i just called to say hi. it's not that big of a deal. sorry.
me: I never want to hear from you again. EVER!!! I HATE YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
#: ok, but i didn't do anything wrong. that's the funny part. can't we be friends?

He makes me want to pull my hair out...strand, by strand, by strand with a pliers. I'd rather have a school of piranha's in my panties ripping apart my womanly flesh than ever hear his voice or see his face again. My phone goes off again and I actually let out a slight scream of disgust. I look at it but it's not him. It's an email from MNS. Hooray!! He writes "I will have some minutes on my phone tom or thurs then we can chat it up again. Sorry. I miss kickin it with you. Class sucks. It's all math and is not easy. How was your day? You going to get drunk for st. pats? Talk to you soon babe." That is all it takes for me to be all better. My insane anger with Professor is replaced with giddiness and joy with just a few sentences. I email him back and tell him I'm heading to happy hour but maybe I'll stop by bowling later and rape him in the bathroom. It seems like a harmless tease at the time.

5 PM

Yommey and I head to happy hour. My plan is to stay somewhat sober and let her get really messy. We are right on track when my parents call. For some reason, I just know something is wrong. My mom throws some bad news at me and I fight back tears. One of the most special men in my life is dying. It's been happening for the last year but apparently it has taken the final turn and the doctors are giving him a week to live. I want to jump in my car and go be with my family but mom and dad tell me to stay put because I'm probably going to have to come home for the funeral in a matter of days. I tell them I will come home this weekend and say goodbye to him. My mom says she hopes he lasts that long. Wow. She promises to call when they get back from seeing him. I hang up the phone and my siblings call immediately as well. We decide it is best to stay put and we will all go back this weekend. My heart is breaking a little bit inside my chest. No matter how much you plan for death and know it's coming, it's never easy. The only solace I have is that his suffering may soon end.

I start pounding the drinks. I don't want to think about death of loved ones or any reality right now. It's been one hell of a week already and I'm afraid if I let this sink in too much I might just lose it. I want to see MNS. I want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be ok but he's busy bowling. Yommey and I finish two more drinks and head to another bar. The other bar is boring and dull. We head to the bowling alley to see MNS. I'm not afraid he's going to freak out, although I probably should've been. I was drunk and I wanted to see him and good luck talking me out of something when I'm hammered. I've told you my evil alter ego is a total bitch. Tonight will be no exception. At this point of the night things are already getting kind of fuzzy so you know we are in trouble.

8 PM

We walk into the bowling alley and take a seat at the bar. We had no plan. I didn't know what I was really doing there. Does this make me a stalker? Yommey orders up his favorite shot and asks which one he is. Can't really miss him, he's on the lane just outside the bar door and his last name is on the back of his jersey. He looks so fuckin' cute, I think to myself. Next thing I know, Yommey walks away with one of the shot glasses. He moves behind a wall and I can't see what the hell she is doing. Ahhh!!! She returns empty handed. What did you do?! She says she tapped him on the shoulder, handed him the shot, told him it was from the blondes at the bar and walked away. Holy crap. I eye the door and think about bolting out of it. Not 30 seconds after she returns I see him walk into the bar, carrying the shot glass. He has a shit-eating grin on his face as he makes his way over. We all do our shots together. He stands and talks to us until his buddies come get him because it's his turn to bowl. I ask him if he's mad and he says, "why would I be?" It's really fun being out in public and being next to him. I can't stop looking at him smiling at me and smiling back. Yommey even likes him and agrees he's a total hottie. I meet a few of his bowling buddies. Everyone shoots the shit. Yommey notices one of her ex's sitting at a table a few feet away. Oh man, this cannot be good.

10 PM

Now here's where things start getting really fuzzy. Like, bits and pieces of black, fuzzy. A few more shots and drinks later he tells me he has to go. He has to pick up his step-son from somewhere and take him home. I pout. I'm not proud of it, but I did pout. Insert fuzziness here. I assume I was walking him out to his truck to say goodbye but all I remember was him and I pressed up against the back wall outside of the bowling alley making out like high schoolers. I can tell he's getting totally hard and really wants to stay so I keep pushing his buttons. He enjoys it for a brief minute and then pulls away, cupping my head in his hands. "You are making it REALLY hard to leave you right now, babe." And here comes the return of the diarhea of the mouth disease. "Then don't leave me. Leave her! When are you going to leave her? When will you be divorced?!" What in the hell did I just do? Am I a four year old princess throwing a tantrum or what? I may have even stomped my foot. I wouldn't put it past me at that point. He first laughed and then said something to the effect that "I already told you it is in the works. I will leave her soon." I sigh. "But right now you have to be the good husband and go pick up her kids and leave me here alone, right?" Sometimes my bitchy-ness even surprises me. "Babe, it's not like that. I have to pick him up. I'm already super late because I've been hanging out with you. You know I don't wanna leave you. I will see you in the morning around 7." A kiss and he's gone.

I return to the bar, annoyed, and who better to take my frustrations out on? Well one of his buddies of course. He's an arrogant asshole and I don't know what happened but apparently we exchanged words and lots of them and none of them were nice. Awesome. I don't know exactly what prompted the verbal tussle or fueled it along but I do know it ended with him making a comment to the effect of "Why don't you go find your boyfriend? Oh wait, he's home with his wife."

So here's the recap of the evening, just in case you missed anything. Got a call about a dying family member, got drunk, went stalking, nearly raped my married boyfriend outside a busy public place that he frequents weekly for anyone to see, picked a fight with his buddy and somehow ended up home safe and sound in my bed by midnight, alone. If I didn't already hate the Irish, after this St. Patrick's day, I'm really not a fan.

Remembering The Rules

TUESDAY
I'm annoyed at MNS right now for a variety of reasons, some of which are not his fault at all. I hate the way he makes me feel when I'm waiting to hear from him. I don't wait to hear from anyone. I don't chase. If you want me, you can try to come and get me. So why with him do I find myself chasing? I hang on his every word and wait for him to reply. I want his replies in record speed. If he takes too long I get annoyed. It's completely uncalled for but that's just how it is.

I'm not looking for anyone else right now. Of course, they come looking for me. Why does that always happen? And by all technicalities I am free to see whom ever I want since my boyfriend is married, right? So why do I feel guilty even having a conversation with other men? Isn't that a little fucked up? MNS goes home every night to his house with his wife and does god knows what. He claims he doesn't love her and they haven't slept together for a "very long time" but obviously he feels some sort of obligation or he would've left her already. I know it would upset him if I started dating someone else. We've had the conversation before. He says he doesn't want me with anyone but him but it's unfair of him to ask me to wait for him, he just hopes that I do. What would he think now that we've taken things to a different level with each other? Does he think I am just sitting at home knitting a blanket and planning out our lives together and ignoring anyone else with a penis?

The problem is right now I don't want to be bothered with anyone else. And that annoys me, as well. I only want to be with him but if he can't give me the attention I want and need, then I know my eye will start to wander. And I wouldn't keep it a secret. I would want him to know that these are the rules until he can be free for me. Sounds like a dangerous game, doesn't it? But it's not a game to me. It's my life. It's my heart. I'm not putting it on a shelf for anyone that can't step up and rightfully claim it as they should.

Bottom line is I've come to a conclusion. I'm not going to chase him. I've done that enough. If he wants to be with me the way he says he does, then he is going to have to fight to have me and keep me. He is going to have to work to make things better and right with us. He can come to me and hang on my responses that may be few and far between. He's the one with the loose ends to tie up, not me. If someone else comes along that floats my boat before he can do that, then I guess we will just have to see what happens. Of course no one really floats my boat like he does but who's to say that wouldn't or couldn't change? I'm starting to think that it doesn't really matter how I feel about him. He needs to make this right in a hurry. I've wasted a year and a half waiting on him. I don't think I can go another year and a half until he's mine for real. And if I don't hear from him by Friday, he is going to get a fucking ear full when he does contact me.

Sticky Situation

FRIDAY
Friday is a doozy. It's not only Friday the 13th but it just starts off very badly. I find myself in a very bad situation that could have terrible ramifications. To be honest, I fear it could cost me MNS. I know I have to tell him what is going on, or what is potentially going on, but I have no idea how he will react. This could be the end of the road for us. I'm fully aware of this but my stupid honesty and guilt will not let me avoid the sticky situation and I just have to lay it out there for him.


I throw it out and wait for his response. He is sweet and worried and doesn't run like I feared he might. He asks "what do we do?" to fix the problem. I tell him I was scared he would hate me. I says he doesn't hate me and couldn't ever hate me. He says it everything will be ok and we will be fine. I am glad for this and I believe him. Not only because I want to believe him but because he is sincere and convincing. We message for awhile. He tells me his phone is off because he's out of minutes. I'm sad because I know I won't be able to talk to him much or see him this weekend. I could sure use a hug from him right about now.

I give Q his final notice. If he ever contacts me again I will rip his nuts off and shove them in his ears. I tell him I hate him and he needs to disappear forever.

SATURDAY
I try calling MNS's phone in the late morning. It's off. I decide to send him an email. It's not mean, it's just to the point. I ask if his phone is going to be off all weekend and next week too. He emails me back while I'm at lunch with the ladies and says "No it is not going to be off next week. I am out of minutes but I will get it back on soon. Regardless of what you may think I do like talking to you. I will get it back on babe." At first I am pissed off because it seems that he is coping an attitude with me. Yommey tells me that I am over-analyzing. I write him back and tell him I wasn't trying to be a bitch. I was honestly just wondering when it would be back on. I don't hear anything else from him on Saturday. Is it my fault I miss the stupid guy? Ugh. Probably.


I spend the night drinking wine with Fair and Yommey and bitching about men. Well, I do most of the bitching and they listen and laugh at me. Mason and Mob are both texting me. Mob is at the annual block party. I so wish I was there with him. He does too and makes some very explicit suggestions as to how it would go down if I was there with him. Oh, how right he is. Too bad it can't go down like that. I tell him I love him too but I need sleep. Before I pass out I try calling Rock. He doesn't answer. This is one of those nights that no matter how many of the "pocket boys" I talk to, I'm just going to feel so fricking alone because I can't be by MNS. I email him and tell him I'm going to go to bed and I wish he was there with me. I even add a sigh, a sad face and...someday, for a little extra guilt. He should know it hurts me to wait. It hurts more than I want to admit most days.

SUNDAY
No word from any boys. Well, Mason, but he doesn't count. I have a great day with Fair, Yommey and the mini. Get some things done for myself that I had been putting off. All in all, pretty stellar. I can't get my brain to turn off though when it's time for sleep. I toss and turn all night long thinking of MNS.


I find myself in an odd place with him. I can't complain because I knew what I was signing up for the first day he came to my house and I saw the ring. And really, the last month he has been really great about talking to me every day, multiple times and ways. This is leaps and bounds from where we were last year when he would disappear for weeks at a time. Not that he couldn't do that again but I have a hunch that he won't. He doesn't need to. His secret is out and I'm still here and he has no reason to keep hiding when things get too deep. The problem is my greed. Now that I've had him in my bed and next to me I want him like that all the time. I want to be able to call him whenever I want and have him answer the phone. I want to go watch him play softball and meet his buddies and be the only woman in his life. I don't want to share him. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want to wait but I have to wait and I can't have him like that yet. It pretty much blows. I'm not expecting your sympathy. The situation is too twisted to ask for that. Rather, I'm just venting because I'm selfish and greedy.


MONDAY
A few emails with MNS. Nothing groundbreaking. He's swamped at work but wanted to say hi and see how my day was going. He'll be in training the rest of the week so if he doesn't get minutes on his phone I won't hear from him at all because he won't have internet access. I ever so gently remind him of this and that I would appreciate if he got some minutes. We will see if he comes through on that. If not, I guess it will be a lonely week for both of us. Although I'm guessing it's harder on me than it is on him since I'm some silly smitten kitten these days and am like a fiend for his touch and attention. I don't hear from him much after 12:30. I know it's going to be a quiet week and it pisses me off. And the worst part is, I know why, which makes me pretty angry at him.

I So Don't Wanna Be That Girl

TUESDAY NIGHT
Q sends me a few texts throughout the day. I don't know if I'm just so sick of him trying to contact me or still high from my nooner with MNS but I just lay it out there for him (as if I hadn't told him a million times in as many different ways already). He sends me a text that says "I miss u so much". I reply and tell him not to waste his time and that I'm seeing someone else. Ok, technically I don't know if I'd say I'm "seeing" MNS but I don't know what else to call it. It's the best word I can come up with, really. I can't call him my boyfriend since he's married and all. Anyway, Q flips a little bit about me seeing someone else and I ask him what he thought I was going to do. Did he really think I would sit around sad because he fucked me over and never move on? He doesn't need to know that MNS and I have been a long going affair. We go back and forth a bit and finally he says thanks for letting him know and that he will leave me alone. I thank him and hope that he's telling the truth. I don't want to deal with his whining anymore.

MNS is busy at work most the afternoon. I get one text telling me thank you and how awesome our little lunch time rendezvous was. I get another one his way to bowling but that's it.

WEDNESDAY
It's way too quiet today. Eerily quiet. Good news is there is no calls or texts from Q. Bad news is, I don't hear jack from MNS either. I try calling him but his phone is off. Grrr. I send him an email but he's not online. This is annoying. Well, I'm certainly not going to call his home phone. Hee hee. When I haven't heard from him before I went to bed last night I knew he would not be coming over in the morning like promised. Mason sends me a text but I'm already in bed and don't answer.

THURSDAY
I sleep in because I know MNS will not show up this morning and I'm right. I try calling him when I wake up but his phone is still off. I spend way too much time thinking about him during my commute. Why is he so flippin' flaky? It's infuriating. Normally, prior to meeting him, this kind of behavior would be the norm and I wouldn't spend two seconds analyzing it. BUT since we have took things to a new level he has been very informative, attentive and actually communicating. I pray we are not going back to the old ways. Now that we've crossed that line, sporadic would not be enough for me. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do about it. MNS will contact me when MNS wants to contact me. I hate being the girl that is staring at her phone and wondering if she did something wrong and why the hell he's not blowing it up. I can't be that girl.

Luckily it doesn't take too long. When I get to work I get a text from him that he misplaced his phone but everything is good. We chat about work a little bit and the fact that he's annoyed he had to go in at 6:15 this morning and it's freezing out. They're really busy today but he will text me when he can. Good enough. Hopefully that means some point today and not next week but we will just wait and see.

That Is Not The Word I Would Use...Is It?

MONDAY NIGHT
I endured a lot of teasing from Fair, Yommey and Apprentice. All three of them are convinced that I am in...errr...um....you know, in a deep emotional state with MNS. They all actually said that word. I feel like I should whisper it so I'm not cursed. Four letters, starts with an L and rhymes with shove. I, of course, get all defensive and deny it adamantly. I can't be in love with MNS. I've only met him once. Yes, there have been some very strong emotions over the last 18 months but a lot of those have involved me wanting to beat his head in too. I fully admit I have an emotional tie to the guy. That's obvious. Fair asks why else I have been willing to put up with everything he's put me through. I say because I'm stubborn and retarded. She retorts that she doesn't think there is a much of a difference. She may have a very valid point there. That love disease makes people do some pretty silly things. Regardless, I am holding steadfast to the idea that I am not in love with him. I might love certain things about him and love finally having him the way I have always wanted him but I am not in love with the man. I cannot and will not allow myself to be in love with a married man. That can only end very badly, divorce soon on the horizon or not.

TUESDAY
As I'm getting ready for work I get a text from MNS that he can't come over this morning but will tomorrow. I'm not disappointed because I didn't think he was coming over until tomorrow. I got to admit that I really love this new fandangled thing he does. You know, communicating with me and not standing me up and keeping me in the loop. It's totally glorious.

I get to work and he starts IM'ing me. Says he just got home from work. They sent them home for a few hours because there wasn't much to do and he probably doesn't have to go back until the afternoon, if at all. I tell him I wish I was home and then he could come over and hangout with me today. He agrees that would be a delightful time. We chat back and forth for awhile and I say we could meet up for lunch. He says to tell him where and when and he'll be there. He would love to see me today. We decide to meet at my house at noon. At 10:30 we decide we can't wait any longer and I leave work at 11 instead.

When he walks in the door it takes all my might not to attack him right there. I make fun of him for wearing a jacket from a sucky college in my house. He pulls me in for a big hug and says "Oh stop. You love it." There's that stupid word again! Ugh! When he hugs me, my face is buried in his chest and I can smell his cologne. It's yummy. He squeezes me tighter and kisses my head. I take his hand and lead him to my room.

When the bumping and grinding is complete we curl up together in silence. There are so many things I want to ask him and talk about and drill him on. I've had so many fake conversations with him in my head that I'm not even sure where to start. He has his eyes closed and a smile on his face as he rubs his fingers up and down my back. I stare at him and he opens one eye. "What's on your mind, babe?" I shrug. "Nothing, really." He starts laughing at me. "Yeah right." I ask him what he's thinking. He says that he's really thinking nothing. He's just enjoying laying here with me but I, on the other hand, as a female, am always thinking something. He says he can see the wheels turning. Like a two year old I close my eyes and curl up next to him again so he can't see my face, as if that will make him not know the wheels are turning.

I try to relax but I'm afraid if I keep lying next to him I am going to fall asleep in his way too comfy arms and we won't make it back to work. I prop myself up again. "Don't even tell me what time it is" he says. "I just want to stay here with you." I think to myself, oh, MNS, you have no idea how much I wish you could. He kisses me like he does know, without me even saying it. "You keep looking at me like you wanna ask me something." I feel like a moron. "No, I just want you to know you can ask me anything that's on your mind, if, you know, you decide to have a thought, as a man." He laughs at me again. Why am I being this girl? I'm sooo not this girl. What has he done to me?! "Would you feel better if I was drilling with you with questions?" I tell him no. "Is there something I should be asking? Something you need to tell me, babe?" Again my answer is no.

I tell him about threatening Biggy's balls the other night. "Sunflower seeds? Wow." I tell him I'm not a fan of guys grabbing on me without permission. He says, "great. You have a violent streak. I can look forward to you threatening my nuts for years to come." I assure him that he can touch me wherever he wants and that I would never threaten his nuts because if I hurt him in that region he is of no use to me anymore. In my head I start to analyze the fact that he just said "years to come" but I quickly dismiss it and we start talking about bowling tonight instead. He sits up to get dressed and says he will be over in the morning. I laugh at him because I know he will drink too much at bowling tonight and not make it. He says he doesn't always drink at bowling and that sometimes they have to be serious. Whatever, dude! We get dressed and I walk him to the door. He again says he will try to make it in the morning. I tell him I will see him Thursday and give him a kiss and a hug. I smile the entire way back to work. That was a great lunch.

I feel like I'm treading on very dangerous ice right now. I don't know if it's my girls putting the stupid idea in my head or if my heart is really trying to tell me something but I feel like I'm doing a tight-rope act and one wrong move could send me spiraling into the quicksand hell that others call love. I, personally, would rather refer to it as the pit...maybe love pit would work. Anyway, I don't want to fall in there. It's too hard to get out. It took me nearly 2 years too fully pull myself out of the love pit that was Von and be able to move on with my life. I can't afford to lose anymore precious time on something that will surely not end well for me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I just can't. And falling in love with man that's married, even if he has been my imaginary fake boyfriend since 2007 is not what I need. I must be strong and avoid the love pit. I can do it!!

Oh God, I don't know if I can do this.

If God Can Rest On Sunday, So Can I

SUNDAY
I don't feel like doing jack-shit today. Not only was I up until 5 am this morning but I lost an hour for daylight savings. Whoa is me. Q starts texting me during breakfast. I so should not have answered that call last night. I know this and I will pay for it in the future, I'm sure.

Luckily it's a rather uneventful day. Despite a few random and annoying texts from Q, my phone is pretty quiet. Unfortunately, I do not hear from MNS either. I try calling him in the afternoon but his phone is off. I miss a call from Dom. That's random. Haven't heard from him in awhile. He says he's at happy hour at a new bar and wanted me to come down for margaritas. Happy hour on a Sunday? How did I not know this existed? It's probably a good thing though. Anyway, he says he hadn't heard from me in awhile and wanted to know how I was doing. He ends the message with, "ok. call me babe." Babe? For real? I bust out laughing. Dom has never referred to me as anything but my birth name. Babe is totally out of his realm. Too funny. I will call him back tomorrow and see what he needs.

Q texts me and asks if he can call. I tell him I'm busy. He writes back that it was so nice to hear my voice last night. Really? Hearing me yell at you and call you names and tell you that you suck and will never have me back was comforting and pleasant to you? His issues run deeper than I had originally thought.

I get an alert on my yahoo personals that I have a new message. I haven't been on yahoo personals forever but never got around to taking my profile down. I pull up the message and it's Biggy. Barf, harf, vomit, spit. He gives me his email in case I want to talk. What part of trying to break your finger and threatening your nuts makes you think that I ever want to talk to you again? Idiots, they are all idiots!!!

I go to bed early, trying to keep thoughts of any and all males out of my mind. Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to sort through all the bullshit then. Tonight, I just need my rest.

MONDAY
MNS texts me on my way to work. Very nice. Asks me how the rest of my weekend was. Said he had a good time with his sister being in town. I ask him if I'm going to see him this week. He responds "yes, yes! I was hoping maybe a couple of times. If that's ok with you. :)" As if seeing him multiple times would not be ok with me? He done lost his mind. We chit chat a little bit and then, out of nowhere, he says...

MNS: So tell something. If you researched me back in october and thought you knew who i was, why did you keep talking to me? just curious.

Well, this is a very valid question for him to ask.

Me: Because i had already invested a year and i wanted to know who you were and if you would ever be honest with me. And i love talking to you. i know i shouldn't have continued but i had to hear it from you.
MNS: i'm glad you did. thank you for waiting. i'm sorry for lying. but you won't regret it.

Since we're playing the honest game I decide to ask a few questions too.

Me: Do you think you will ever really leave her?
MNS: i can't stand my life right now. it's all negativeness and drama and i hate that. i work hard and i want to be able to have fun without being made to feel bad. talking to you makes me feel good. i WILL leave her. it's just a matter of when.
Me: i'm sorry your life with her sucks but do you have any idea how guilty i feel, regardless?
MNS: don't feel guilty. u make me feel good in more ways than one.
Me: does she know that you're miserable?
MNS: she knows. not only is it visible and obvious but i do tell her. and i tell her i am going to leave her. she thinks i'm playing.
Me: are you still in love with her?
MNS: if i was, i wouldn't have come looking for you. i am not in love with her and i haven't been in a long time.
Me: last question and then we have to go back to happy topics. and i need you to be completely honest. do you have anyone else on the side or is it just me your messing around with?
MNS: no! there is no one else. i guarantee you that you are the only one! and this isn't just messing around.

I drop the serious talk and ask him about his basketball game tonight. He says it's the last one of the season. I say that's too bad and maybe I can see him play someday. He says by next season I will be able to come to all of his games. Hopefully that means he is getting rid of the wifey soon and by then she will have healed and chilled out and will be over wanting both of us to suffer a slow, painful and tragic death and we will not have to worry about her anymore. It's a nice dream.

I text Mason and wish him a happy birthday. He says I should drive up there and buy him a drink. Ha. Funny little man, that Mason.

Hoping to hear from MNS tonight whether he is coming tomorrow morning or Wednesday morning. I vote both! But, of course, we all know how much say I have in anything when it comes to MNS's schedule. Grrr. Just have to hope it's itching for the crack and comes back soon.

There Must Be A Full Moon

SATURDAY
Q wakes me up with a rapid procession of texts that I have no desire to answer. Dear God, man! Get a grip!

Yommey and I spend most of the day running errands and being uber productive. She asks me if I've heard from MNS today. I say not yet. She looks at me with concern. I shrug my shoulders. Maybe I won't have to make a decision about MNS. Maybe yesterday was all it was ever going to be and it's done. No sooner do the words leave my mouth than my phone goes off. It's MNS. I have to laugh. It's like I'm wired or something and he just knows.

As Yommey and I are getting ready to go out and enjoy a night on the town I get a new text. It's BigBoi. What in the hell does he want? He asks what's up like we're great friends and chat on a regular basis. My replies are short and cold. Finally he says "you can holla at me later if you want". I reply "Oh really? Can I be so lucky? Thanks for permission. lol. Idiot." He writes back that he didn't mean it like that but would love to hear from me. I tell him phones work both ways and he didn't bother calling for two months so he shouldn't hold his breath that I will be "holla-ing" at him anytime soon. Q sends me random texts throughout the night that I delete as soon as they appear on my phone.

Yommey and I put down a couple drinks at the bar quickly. Fair joins us for some darts for a little while. As we stand outside smoking I see two guys walking up to the bar. No frickin' way. It is Biggy, a guy I had a hook-up with last summer. He seemed really sweet and vulnerable and was funny as hell until he got his piece and then went Dr. Evil on me. I hadn't seen or heard from him in probably 8 months and that was just how I liked it. I give him a death glare as he entires the bar. Ugh. Time to relocate this binge drinking extravaganza.

Yommey and I go back inside to finish our drinks. She goes to the restroom and while I'm sitting at the table Biggy's friend, who we'll call Shortstack, approaches. He plops down in the share next to me, as if he knows me, and says "my friend over there says that you hate him." I tell him I don't have time to hate anyone because it takes too much energy but his friend is a piece of shit asshole. He's a bit caught off guard by my bluntness. Shocker. Not. Most people are. Yommey comes back and Shortstack is all up in her business trying to hit on her. She makes it painfully apparent that she has a boyfriend and is not interested. He does not care. Biggy makes his way over to the table and sits down. I don't even look at him until he buys us a round of drinks and then all he gets is a quick thank you. We all end up playing shuffleboard and I say I will only play if I'm on Shortstack or Yommey's team. They all agree which I think is a small victory. Except that when you play shuffleboard you are on opposite ends of the board from your partner. I'm stuck on the end with Biggy. Ugh. It's cold and silent on our end of the game as I ignore him. He orders me another drink. He says I'm really sorry and I feel like an asshole but I was coming out of a messy divorce...I tell him it doesn't matter and it's over. He asks if I still think he's kinda an asshole. I tell him he's not kind of an asshole, he's an asshole to infinity and beyond. I start to call him Buzz "asshole" Lightyear. It doesn't phase him. He keeps buying me drinks which is fine. I can be as mean as I want and not have to pay for drinks or shots, this is a little piece of heaven for me. That is until Yommey goes to dance and Biggy sits down at the table next to me. I ignore him and talk to one of our neighbors. Biggy squeezes my knee under the table. I remove his hand with a violent jerk and tell him if he wants to become a lefty, try it again. He thinks I'm joking and does. I grab his finger and bend it back as far as I can without breaking it. I can tell he's in pain but the sick fucker inside him kind of enjoys it too. I stand up, just as the finger is about to snap in my grasp, and tell him, quite loudly, "you are a stupid piece of shit and if you EVER touch me again, I will kick you in the balls so hard they will come out your nose the size of sunflower seeds." I go find Yommey and convince her it is time to leave. I think Captain makes me crabby.

Yommey and I go to another bar and don't end up getting home until 4 AM. She passes out instantly but for some reason, I am not tired...at all. I try calling Bears. He doesn't answer. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday when he swore to call me as soon as he got off work so we could do dinner. This is way past irritating.

Q texts me and I don't text back. Instead, I think it's a good idea to call him back. I completely torture him. First, I'm mean. I don't even let him get a word in edge wise while I rip him up one side and down the other. He is a mess!! He is begging for my forgiveness like a small child. I think he even whimpered once or twice. Every idea for reconciliation he tries to offer I shoot down. This goes on for about an hour. He begs to see me again and get one more chance. Finally, I tell him that if he can get to my house within the next two hours I would possibly consider listening to him plead his case after he pleased me orally like he does so well. I can literally hear his heartbreaking over the phone. "If I could get there you know I would." I tell him I am sick of his excuses. He says it's not an excuse and he would do anything for another chance with me. I tell him this is a test to prove how he feels about me and that he better hurry because he just wasted two minutes of his 120. I hang up the phone and call Mob.

Mob gushes about how he wants to see me and how much he loves me and he hates life without me. I dare not give him the two hour challenge. He might just find a way to do it. I talk to him for awhile and then decide I need to go to bed.

I Got What I Wanted, So Why Can't I Smile?

FRIDAY AM
I watch MNS, from my bed, as he walks in my room. He's not quite A-Rod hot but there is a definite resemblence. He's taller than I pictured him in my mind. I like that. He strips down to his boxers and crawls into bed next to me. I'm so nervous I am shaking. So is he. We stare at each other for a while and just smile. He apologizes for being a little late. I offer him my hand and say it's nice to meet him. We share a laugh and the ice is officially broken. We talk a little bit but mostly just stare and smile, with his arms wrapped around me. They feel good. They feel safe. I'm glad he is here. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. He kisses me back on the lips. My mind is racing in a million directions and my heart is about to beat out of my double D chest. He pulls me in, tight to his body. I take a minute and just breathe deeply. I want to take him in. All of him. My fingers trace the outline of his back and run up his neck and around to his chin. He gently guides me onto my back and slides on top of me.

We finish in a pile of flesh on flesh, sweat and smiles. I bury my head in his neck, trying to catch my breath. He holds on to me so tightly you would think he was clinging for his life to a piece of driftwood in the ocean. It doesn't feel uncomfortable or weird. It feels right. It feels like a place I should've always been. He talks about how incredible what just happened was. I concur. It was great but there are still things I have to know and I'm afraid if I don't ask them now, I never will. Denial is a wonderful city that I visit often with MNS but I have to have some answers and I want them face to face. I want to read his eyes when he fills in the blanks for me. I pull back from him and prop up on an elbow so that we are eye to eye and face to face. He says "I knew I was missing out the last year and a half but I had no idea how badly." He kisses me again but I don't return it. When he propped up I saw my answer. I didn't have to ask if "she" was a girlfriend or a wife or an ex. He was wearing his wedding ring. My jaw must've dropped. He followed the stare of my eyes to his hand. "Oh my god, babe. I am so sorry." I fall back and stare at the ceiling, fighting back tears. "I can't fucking believe this", is all I can muster. He turns my face to look at him. "I'm so sorry. I was in a hurry this morning and it will never happen again. I swear. This ring means nothing to me..." I glare at him. His lame words cannot make me feel better. "Obviously." He looks humiliated and ashamed but I'm sure it is no match for what I'm feeling inside. "I was right, wasn't I? About your last name and who you are?" He swallows hard, knowing he cannot lie anymore. "Yes. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to lose you. You're the only bit of happiness I've had in years. Talking to you was the only thing I had to look forward to every day. I just wanted to buy some time so I could make things right. I was always planning to tell you. I promise. I will never lie to you again." I laugh a little bit. "Wow." He's right. Had he told me the day I called him out on it that it was true, I never would've spoken to him again. Sneaky fucking bastard.

I start drilling him about her and their life together and anything that comes to mind. He answers honestly, even when it's not what I want to hear. He says the divorce is "in motion" and that he has met with a lawyer but that he has to be very careful. I ask why. He says because she will go nuts and might possibly be the crazy stalker type. "Awesome! I love those!!" I blurt out, a little too loudly. We talk for awhile before I glance at the clock. I know that we both have to get going to work. Even though it's so wrong, I didn't want him to leave. I don't say anything. I just put my head on his chest and let him hold me. "I could stay like this all day", he says. I know exactly what he means. I wish we could. Then I wouldn't have to face reality and what I have just done. I could lay here with him, in our own little world where there are no wives and no guilt and nobody else. Reality is such a kick in the wahoozy sometimes.

We get dressed and I walk him to the door. He gives me a quick kiss and hug and says he will talk to me soon. I glance at the shiny silver band around his finger again. I shut the door behind him and quickly wipe away the tears that have begun to cascade from my eyes. I look at my tussled bed and nearly vomit. My phone alerts me I have a text. It's from MNS. It says "That was amazing, just like you. Can't wait to see you again. I'm serious I could've stayed all day." I freshen up, get dressed in record speed and head to work. I call Yommey from the car. The second she answers I scream in her ear, "I am a dirty whore!!!!" She laughs. "Why?" I don't know if I can say it outloud, even to my Yommey. "We need a new name for Mr. No Show." Now she is the one screaming in my ear. "What?! He showed up? Are you fucking kidding me?! Oh my god!!" Fair has pretty much the same response when I call her.

I'm a complete schizophrenic all morning. He and I text back and forth and every time I'm talking to him or reading the sweet things he says I'm smiling like a fool. In the minutes in between those texts I want to beat my own head into my desk for being so stupid and selfish. It doesn't matter how much he despises her or how miserable she makes him. I am not a home-wrecker. I can't and won't be that girl. He has got to get that divorce in motion, pronto tonto, or I will be forced to abandon him and "us" forever. On the other hand, even if he did leave her to be with me, could I ever trust him?

In between texts from MNS I get a few from Kong and Q as well. Kong is wondering if I want to play cards tonight. I tell him I am staying in but maybe another time. I just ignore Q's texts. It's the best way to deal with him lately, I have found. Apprentice and I go get a few drinks over lunch. She is having her own crazy drama with CW and we need to brainstorm and vent and relax.

MNS texts me the entire day and most of the early evening until he heads to his parents house. I can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. Yommey and I drink some wine and maul over our love lives. She can see how bittersweet this has been for me. The more wine I drink, the more I think Fair and Yommey are right. I am not the devil. I do deserve to crack a small smile. It has been a long road and MNS and I have finally consummated our relationship. As we continue to talk and drink I blurt out of nowhere (and quite loudly) "I earned this affair, god damn it!!!" Yommey almost chokes on her wine. And sadly, I'm serious. I have invested way too much time and energy and emotion and tears into MNS to not enjoy this a little bit. He came looking for me and I didn't know he was taken until over a year into this. I'm sorry, but I am going to try to enjoy this. Why shouldn't I be happy too?

Before bed MNS texts me goodnight and that he can't wait to see me soon and he will talk to me in the morning. I read it and I smile. I smile and I don't feel bad about it. I smile because it makes me happy inside my heart. I smiled because in my sick and twisted head, I earned it.

I'm On The Expressway To Hell

WEDNESDAY NIGHT
I spend the day with the family and the brand new nephew. The boys all leave me alone, which is good. Q sends me two texts but I just delete them and go about my business. Frickin' Dutch Boy calls again at 2 in the morning. I don't answer. What is his deal? I don't think I want to know.

THURSDAY
MNS wakes me up with a few texts bright and early. Um, hello, this is my day off people. I kinda wanted to sleep in. *sigh* MNS is on it like blue bonnet with the texts. He desperately wants to see me, blah blah blah. I tell him I will be home later this afternoon when I'm done with family stuff. He says, and I quote, "If I don't make it over this afternoon, I guarantee I will see you in the morning". It's the little words that a woman gets hung up on. MNS has never guaranteed or promised me anything. He is very smart in that way. It's always "I hope", "I will try", "Maybe", etc. For him to throw down the guarantee guantlet is really quite unique. But I still don't get my hopes up. It just triggers something in my mind that maybe he is getting closer to being a reality.

Bears calls me while I'm with my Sissy and asks if he can see me today. I ask him why he didn't return any of my texts. He says he didn't get them and was wondering why I didn't return his. I didn't get any. Either he's lying like a blanket or his new phone didn't get the text on it. Either way sucks. He says he is hoping to get off work at 3 and would like to take me to dinner. I say that sounds good and I will head to his side of town when my family takes off for home. After the family leaves I head to the West side. I call him and he says his boss asked him to work late but he should be off by 5 or 6. I'm cool with that because I would like to go home and take a nap. He says he will call as soon as he's off work.

Q starts texting me. Says he will be in town this weekend and wants me to come out with him and his family. I say no. He asks if I want to see him. I say no. He says he wants to see me. I say no. Do you see a pattern here? He thinks it would be great to get together. I tell him it's not a good idea. He asks if I want to talk to him. I say no, we have nothing to talk about. He says we have a lot to talk about. I'm starting to think his brain is made of bricks and he's not hearing anything I say.

6 PM rolls by and there is no word from Bears. I wait until 7 and call him. He doesn't answer. What is your deal, dude? Ever since you got to this stupid state I have barely heard from you. I realize you are busy setting up your new life and job and crap but make a minute for a sister, would ya? I just need an hour to know if this is a no-go or a hold on, it could be good kind of thing.

Mob starts texting me when I lay down to sleep. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and he wishes I was there. I know something is awry. He says he is about to go do a job for Pops and he has a bad feeling. He wishes he didn't have to go but he needs the money. This is not good. Mob never gets nervous. The last time he told me he was nervous was 2004 and he ended up in jail on charges of murder. Pops got him off, of course, but it was a terrible situation. I don't want him in those anymore. Especially when he's been doing so well staying clear of that crap. I tell him not to go. I tell him I love him and he better call me tomorrow. He promises he will. One of these days, if he's not careful, I know that he won't.

MNS starts texting me and asking if I am excited about tomorrow morning. I play along, as always, and tell him I can't wait to see him. Something about his demeanor has changed though. It's no longer innocent teasing and flirting. I tell Yommey that I have a weird feeling he might really show up. One would think this is a good thing, right? To finally meet my fake boyfriend/dating guardian angel/huge pain in my ass after 18 months, but to be honest, I'm scared out of my ever-living mind. If he really shows up, I have lost my sabotage card. I would be forced to face the truth in my future relationships and have no crutch to fall back on. I could be very disappointed if he comes over. All this build-up can only lead to serious let down, right? I mean, he isn't the man of my dreams. He can't be. He's not even real. But what if he is? Not the man of my dreams, but a real live boy that comes over to seduce me. What then? What we have now is safe. He can't hurt me if I never meet him. I'm already in so deep with him that if I meet him, heartbreak hotel is probably going to be my permanent residence from here on out. But how can I not meet him if the opportunity arose? Eventually I am going to have to face reality. Right? I mean, if he's real and all.

He continues to text me and talk about tomorrow morning and us and how excited he is and how he wants it to go down. I put my head on the pillow and know I will not sleep a wink. In my heart and my gut I know that MNS will be here in a few hours. And I'm clueless as to how I will react.

Stupid Dutch Boy calls me at 2:14 AM. I almost answer and curse him out but I know that conversation will be way more than I can handle right now. I hit ignore and continue to stare at my wall. What should I wear? Anything? Should I have candles? Music? Should I just kick him in the balls the moment he walks in? Bombard him with questions? Love him down first, ask questions later? Will he really come? What if it's his wife or girlfriend or whomever "she" is setting me up and she's going to walk into my bedroom, where I will be lying naked and surrounded by romance, and she will shoot me dead in my bed. It happens on tv. I probably deserve it. My stomach is turning. God, I wish I could sleep. I convince myself that he will not come. Tomorrow morning is no different than any other day we've had over the last 18 months. He won't come and I'll be mildly sad but know that it's for the best. I wish that were the case but I can't shake the feeling tomorrow is going to be different.

FRIDAY MORNING 6:15 AM
I've been up since 4 AM. I can't sleep a wink. I toss and I turn and I think and it's all hurting my head. What the hell am I doing? I should just get up and get ready for work. My phone alerts me I have a text. It's MNS. It says "I'll be there in a second". A let out a little scream/yelp/gasp for air. I unlock the front door, turn off the lights, start my CD on number 6, light a candle and position myself under the covers. My mind is racing. My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest. Is this really about to happen? I think I'm about to hyperventilate. I'm about to jump up and get dressed and call this entire thing off when I hear the front door open. In a matter of seconds MNS walks into my bedroom. Holy shit. He's totally real.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send SOMEBODY Over!

MONDAY NIGHT
Bears does not call before I leave work. I rush home and get ready to go to the Mini's recital. I can't lie, 60 3rd graders singing, dancing and playing recorder is quite entertaining. I could do without the recorder part but the rest was great. I worry that the Mini may be way too much like me. I catch her checking out her "boyfriends" butt about three times during the course of the concert. Mama mia. We are so going to have our hands full with her. She's only 8! Good times, good times.

While at the concert Q texts me for the 3rd time today and, of course, I do not reply. MNS sends me a couple texts, as well. I don't feel right playing our dirty little game while I'm at a school and surrounded by young'ens. I keep my text replies as PG as I can. He still talks about coming over Wednesday and Thursday morning. Ok, pal. I wait with bated breath. Not. Of course, I will hang the new lingerie from Fair on the back of my bedroom door just in case I need a quick and sexy outfit for him to rip off. A girl can never be too prepared.

As I'm walking out of the school, Bears calls. He said he just got to town, got his new phone and is heading to the hotel. He sounds completely exhausted and my hopes of loving him down are quickly depleted. I can tell by his voice. He says he would definitely like my company tonight but needs to take a quick nap. I know he won't wake up and call before I go to bed. Oh well. I just have to remind myself that he is here now and there is no need to rush or hurry. He's not going anywhere. I tell him we can get together this weekend. I can't do Wednesday or Thursday really since the family will be in town for my nephews birth. Woo hoo!

My phone rings at flippin' 2:14 AM. I know it's not Bears by the ringer. There's no way it's MNS after bowling. I look and it's Dutch Boy. Two nights in a row? Why? I answer and this time he is drunk. That makes more sense, now. He says he got in a fight at the bar and had to go get four stitches above his left eye. I'm laughing so hard thinking about his scrawny ass getting in a bar fight, I nearly choke. He went and got a hotel instead of driving home, once he left the E.R. I'm impressed. I always used to yell at him about driving the 45 minutes home when he had been drinking but he would never get a hotel and stay safe. Then he starts talking about his hotel and how his girlfriend is home sick and how it's so weird being there alone...I sense that he's about to ask for phone sex. We used to have some fun phone sex, don't get me wrong, but that is so never happening between us again. I tell him I'm really tired and need to get to bed early as I have a big day ahead of me. He sounds a little disappointed. Sorry, Dutch Boy, that ship has sailed...unless you're willing to pay $5.99 a minute, then we can talk.

WEDNESDAY
MNS did not show up. I haven't heard squat from him all day. Sometimes he is such a pansy. Wait, let me rephrase that. He is always such a pansy. A few texts from Bears but nothing earth-shattering. Good news is, no new texts from Q! I keep telling myself he has got to get the hint soon. Maybe today is my lucky day.

I desperately need some loving. It's been weeks and I want something other than Q to be the last person to make my eyes roll back in my head. MNS, Bears...someone has got to throw it down on me soon. If not, I guess there is always my bob. If only my vibrator had a tongue.

Ready Or Not, Here I Come

MONDAY
Spend most of the day texting and talking with Bear. His truck should be fixed by the end of the day and then he will be on his way. For some reason, I'm very nervous. I think it's because via phone we're already in this weird couple mode. How is that possible without even meeting? I have no flippin' idea but that's what it feels like. There is no talk of maybe when you get here if we like each other we will...it's when I get there we will do this and that and blah blah blah. What's more freaky? He has been to my home town. He knows people that know me. He has asked around about me. That's a lot of research to do if he's just looking for a booty call.

Q will not stop texting me! It's driving me totally bananas. All he does is sob about how much he misses me and how he's worried about me and all this crap. Seriously, dude, don't worry about me. You don't know me like that. I can bounce back from little shit like what you did better than a super bouncy ball. You have no idea. I don't let stuff like that phase me. Yes, I was pissed how you handled it and my pride was dinged but I told you from the get go, I won't get my heart twisted up again over a man. You can thank Von for that. He bellars that he can't stop thinking about me and that he was wrong for not calling and he's never been more sorry about anything in his life. Good. I hope you choke on your sorry. You weren't sorry when you were doing it. You will miss me. I could've told you that from the get-go. They always do. I tell him to leave me alone and that no amount of his apologies and whining is going to change anything.

MONDAY NIGHT
I've been playing phone tag with Bears all night and it's driving me crazy. I just want to talk to him and know that he's on his way and safe and that I will see him soon. I'm just dozing off when my phone rings. The ringer is generic so I know it isn't Bears. Dang it. I roll over and see that it's Dutch Boy. What in the sam hill? I answer and he sounds pretty rough. I ask him if he's drunk. He laughs and says no, he is just driving home from work. I ask how he's feeling and he tells me that he start his chemo once a week and it's kicking his ass but he still has his hair so that's a plus. I don't know if I mentioned it but he loves his hair. And he should, it's very soft and a great blonde color. Anyway, we end up talking for about half an hour. It's odd. Part of me wants to be really angry with him but for some reason I can't be. It's not just a pity thing because he's sick and dying. I think part of it is that he regrets what he did to me and misses my friendship and, well, I guess that's enough for me to be a little satisfied. As I say goodbye he says "It's really nice to talk to you." I wish him the best and he again promises to keep me posted.

TUESDAY
Q sends me another text. I ignore it. Obviously my text ass reaming on him was wasted thumb athritis. Nothing from Bear until 9 AM. Dude! C'mon! My quick temper sends a bit of a nasty text to him at 8 AM. When he calls at 9 it is a number I don't know. He says he lost his phone last night getting gas a few states over. Dang, man, hold onto your shit when you are traveling cross country. He says he will be in town by the time I get off work and he can't wait to see me. Little does he know that I have a change of clothes in the car and an overnight bag, just in case we really hit it off. We better.

I'm driving down the freeway and I pass a truck from where MNS works at. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday but I'm not more than 20 seconds past that truck and my phone starts blowing up with texts from him. It totally freaks me out. How does he do that? He asks about my weekend and tells me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me and asks if he can come over tomorrow morning. I tell him no. This catches him offguard. I'm hoping I'm staying with Bears tonight. I tell him it's because I know he won't come over the morning after bowling. He never does. I play innocent and tell him we should shoot for Thursday morning instead. He's all over it like a fly on shit and suggests maybe we could do both mornings. Sure, babe, whatever you say. See you at my house...when hell freezes over. We text back and forth for almost two hours and I dare not repeat any of the messages that were exchanged, for fear it would make Hef himself blush.

It's 4:40 and Bear has not called yet. What the F is up with that? I'm done at 5. I have no way to contact him. I have cleared my entire night (even though it's my do not leave the house night) to see him and if he doesn't love me down after all we've been through the last how many days, I will be past irrate. My hair is done up, I have the nobody-can-deny black boots in the car and the lacey boob-a-licious shirt in the bag next to the boots. Nothing pisses me off more than a good hair going unappreciated. He is supposed to be messing it up for me later. I want some serious bed head!! 18 minutes and counting...I think I'm going to harf...

Check Me For A Fever

THURSDAY
I spend most of the day talking via text, email and on the phone with Bear. He texts me at 8 am and says he made it back. Calls me at time and says he is packing up his stuff and saying his goodbyes. I absolutely cannot wait for him to get here. I am so excited. I hope I don't jinx it but I really do have a good feeling about this. He calls me at lunch and tells me he's planning on leaving tonight and it should take him 3-4 days to get back. I tell him to be safe and keep me posted. He promises he will and does not disappoint.

Texts from Kong and MNS. For the first time in a really long time MNS's texts just annoy me. The game is growing lame for me. I muster up whatever flirtatiousness I can. I want to keep my fake boyfriend in my pocket. I'm sure that sounds odd. I'm not pumping his ego and hanging on his every word like usual. But I'm not ready to ignore him or tell him to go fly a kite either. Yes, I have high hopes for Bear but I'm also trying to be realistic (as hard as that is right now) so I don't totally want to write off Kong, MNS, etc. I return their texts in a friendly manner and then just stop writing when the conversation turns dry.

THURSDAY NIGHT
Q starts texting me when I lay down to sleep. It turns into an hour long text war of me telling him to kiss my ass because it's over and him telling me it doesn't have to be. I can trust him and he wasn't fucking around on me and he misses me so much, he's worried about me, he made a mistake and he's so sorry and he just wants to make me smile again. Blah blah blah. I don't know what else to tell him. I said that I don't trust him and never will again, I do believe he was messing around, we can't get anything back and it's over. He asks if I want him to leave me alone. I have told him this three times already this week. I tell him I'm fine, not to worry about me. I tell him to stay there and take care of the crazy bitch that makes his life hell that he can't seem to leave alone and that I'm moving on.

FRIDAY
My morning starts with a phone call from Bear. He is already on the road and so excited to get here and see me. I am giddy with anticipation. The next few days cannot go fast enough. MNS texts me good morning and we chat briefly. Again, it's just not the same. Q texts me that he misses me and he's sorry. I delete it.

I talk to Bear on all my breaks. He calls me a couple times throughout the day just to hear my voice. So far all I can find wrong with him is that he doesn't eat meat very often. I'm a cornfed girl and I'm not sure what the hell I would cook for us if things ever came to that point. Everything I have has meat of some sort in it. Oh well, that's something we can work on once he gets here. I wish I would've flown up and rode back with him. What a wicked trip to make by yourself. Poor guy. All I can do is keep him company when he calls and texts and tell him how much I can't wait for his arrival.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON
MNS texts me after work and asks if he can come over when he's done playing cards and drinking with his work buddies. This is hilarious to me. I say "oh sure. see you later. lol." He asks what is so funny. I tell him there is no way he's coming over. If he really wanted to see me he would skip cards or come before. I know he won't make it after poker and drinks. He says he's offended I have such little faith in him. I tell him it's called history and a proven track record. Somedays I want to tell him what his code name is. He throws a tiny fit and says he will prove me wrong tonight. Yeah, I wait with bated breath. Ha!

FRIDAY NIGHT
Bear calls and is making good progress. We talk until the wee hours of the morning even though his phone is on international roaming right now. I tell him we should make it short so his bill is not outrageous. He doesn't care. I get off the phone with him around 4 am and fall asleep. Shocker, no word from Mr. No Show.

SATURDAY
I wake up way too early with a text alert on my phone. I'm hoping it is Bear but it's Q asking if I miss him yet. Dude, I miss fucking you. I can't lie. The sex was outrageous and mind-blowing and really, really great. And yes, it's been three weeks and I'm so horny I could rape someone but you are not going to be it. I am done with you. I have no other words to use to tell him this so I don't respond. Hopefully, he will take the hint soon.

Random calls and texts with Bear throughout the day. He says he will call me as soon as he gets to the states. I don't hear from him until almost 2 in the morning. I'm worried out of my mind at this point. I answer frantically. "Baby, are you ok?" I can instantly tell by his voice that he is not. The good news is he is back in the country. The bad news is that the transmission went out in his truck and he is stuck in a poe-dunk as town in the middle of nowhere and this is going to be expensive to fix. Craphole! He is so upset and there is nothing I can do to calm him down or make it better. This totally sucks.

SUNDAY
Bear calls and says it's going to cost $3100 to fix his truck. He is a mess. I feel so bad for him. He feels like he's about to be in a scene out of "Deliverance" in that crap little town and it may be the mechanic that is butt-raping him. He says he should've just stayed where he was. I tell him not to talk like that and things will be ok once he gets here. It's hard trying to cheer him up because it's really a crappy situation and hard to stay optimistic if you are him. I just keep trying to tell him it will be okay and he's only 17 hours away from his new job and me a great new life. Man, if he gets here and doesn't like me or his job or this town, I am going to be responsible for one major breakdown. Ugh. I can't handle the thought of that.

MNS texts me and I don't answer. Write it down. I'm pretty sure it's the first time ever. Perhaps someone should check me for a fever. Of course, it's MNS, I doubt he even noticed. Q texts me three times while I'm babysitting my cutie-patooties and I don't answer him back either. This is a new trend and one that will continue until he gets the fucking hint and stops trying to talk to me.