Things I Don't Care To Admit

MONDAY
It's rainy and cold as hell when I wake up. I wonder if MNS will be home today instead of working. Perhaps he will email me and say he doesn't have to go in to work and he wants to come over? I linger at home a little longer than usual, fearful the minute I get on the freeway he will contact me to come see me. When I can't wait any longer before risking being tardy, I take off, a bit sad. Yes, it's pathetic. I know. He emails me around 9 and says he is at work. He's hoping he can get off work early and we decide if he does we will rendezvous in the afternoon.

I can barely keep up with texts from Ronnie and Teej. Ronnie is in Vegas at March Madness and I'm pretty sure he's drunk. He is cracking me up. He tells me the old slutty casino we used to go to and party at has changed it's name. *tear* Times are a changing, that's for sure. Teej has no point in texting me. Small chit chat back and forth. Things are good. I tell him we should get a drink sometime and catch up. He says we wouldn't want to upset the significant others. He assumes I have a guy because I usually do in some form. I'm not about to explain to him I am free to have drinks with whomever I want since my boyfriend is married. I am however irked by his comment. I tell him that I said we should get drinks, not get naked. He's the one that's been trying to hook up with me for how long and I always blow him off. Oh Teej, please.

MNS says he's not getting off early and we'll have to meet up in the morning. I tell him that's fine. He asks if I'm ok and says I sound sad. How can he know I am sad over email? I put a smiley face. Shouldn't that mask all my insecurities? Apparently he knows me way too well. A little later he sends me an email that just says "I will be there at 6:30. I can't wait to see you." I wonder if he can tell that I'm smiling and doing the stupid goo-goo-ga-ga face when I reply that I can't wait to see him either.

10 PM
Mob starts texting me. One really long text that breaks into four on my phone. "I miss you so much. I sit here and think about all the times we had together and I want to cry. I should have never let you go. If you don't hear from me again, things went wrong tonight. I will always love you. If I could, I would be with you every day, all day long. I should've married you. I love you baby and I always will. You taught me the true meaning of love and for that I thank you. Bye, boo. I love you. I wish I could take back everything I ever did to hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. My only regret in the world is not fighting to keep you when you left me. I'll always be with you. I'm sorry for everything. I love you. I love you. I love you." Okay, so he loves me. That's never been a secret. I call him and he tells me what he's about to go do and I tell him not to go. This is a game I thought I was done playing 5 years ago. Tonight something sounds different in his voice. Tonight he sounds desperate to make me believe how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I know all of this already and I tell him to stop talking to me like he's never going to talk to me again. I tell him I love him too and he has a choice. There is always a choice. He doesn't understand this. He's not listening to me at all and talking a bunch of cryptic shit and I know I have to hit him where it hurts if I want any chance of stopping him. "If you love me like you say you do, then prove it! Don't go tonight! Come here and fight for me and show me how much you love me and marry me like you said you wanted to. We can have a life together but it's on you!" He starts crying. I've been crying for pretty much the duration of the conversation. "I love you. Never forget that, boo. You are the only woman I have ever loved." He hangs up the phone and he's gone.

It's a weird feeling having conversations like that with someone you love. And love him I do. No matter what Mob and I have gone through in the past, a part of me will always love him. If I really believed he could come here and turn his life around and we could be together I would give it a try again, as weird as that may sound. But he can't because that's not who he is or who he has become. And no matter how much he loves me and wishes we could build a life together, he loves the streets more. He was born to them, he will die on them...and I will not be his widow.

TUESDAY MORNING
MNS shows up at 6:30 as planned. He looks so cute when he walks in. He gives me a big hug and asks what's wrong. I tell him nothing and he tells me not to lie to him. I say I'm just tired, as if my puffy and bloodshot eyes don't give that away. I switch the subject to him and ask him if his back is feeling any better. He says a little but not much. I tell him to let me see if I can help and lead him to my room. I'm in heaven again. It's been two weeks since our nooner and we both need it badly. So badly that my mattress ends up sliding completely off of the box spring and we end up finishing in the middle of the floor. Not that either of us seemed to notice much. We fix the bed and curl up together and talk. He asks if I am going home this weekend and I say yes. He pouts! Not a girly pout but what we will refer to as a "man pout". A little grunt of disappointment and a tight squeeze. As if I see him so often on the weekends anyway. What are you pouting about? I tell him he better hurry and get the minutes on his phone so that we can talk while I'm gone. He assures me he will because he would miss me too much. I ask him about Jeter boy and why he spit in my drink. He swore to MNS that he didn't and would never do that. MNS told him to be careful because I'm not going anywhere and he needs to make nice with me. This makes me smile...a lot. I don't want him to see how giddy it makes me. I have to retain some illusion of control here. I kiss his neck and chest while he talks so he can't see my stupid girl glow. Of course this leads to another round of lovin' and it totally rocks my world. And this time we even managed to keep the bed in one piece. We get done and cuddle and chat again. He asks what time it is. I look and it's 7:45. Oops. He's supposed to be at work at 7:30 and I so should be on the road by now, as well. We quickly get dressed, exchange hurried kisses at the door and he says he will talk to me later as he rushes out while putting on his shoe.

I walk back in my room and fall onto my tussled bed. I can smell him on my pillow. I stare at the ceiling. Oh god, I love him. ERRRRR!!! What? Rewind! Did I just think that outloud? I close my eyes to shut out the thought but it doesn't work. It replays in my head. "I love him". I don't want to but I do. I can't deny it anymore. I'm not going to clue him in on this anytime soon, although I'm sure he already knows or at least suspects. My first reaction is fear. A million thoughts and reasons run through my mind of why I can't love him. But no matter how many reasons there are for why I shouldn't love him, the fact is that I do and it feels good and it makes me happy and I don't want to run from that. My second reaction is peace. I love MNS. It feels good to admit it. Are you happy now? I said it. I love him. I am completely in love with MNS. And I think he loves me too.