I Got What I Wanted, So Why Can't I Smile?

FRIDAY AM
I watch MNS, from my bed, as he walks in my room. He's not quite A-Rod hot but there is a definite resemblence. He's taller than I pictured him in my mind. I like that. He strips down to his boxers and crawls into bed next to me. I'm so nervous I am shaking. So is he. We stare at each other for a while and just smile. He apologizes for being a little late. I offer him my hand and say it's nice to meet him. We share a laugh and the ice is officially broken. We talk a little bit but mostly just stare and smile, with his arms wrapped around me. They feel good. They feel safe. I'm glad he is here. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. He kisses me back on the lips. My mind is racing in a million directions and my heart is about to beat out of my double D chest. He pulls me in, tight to his body. I take a minute and just breathe deeply. I want to take him in. All of him. My fingers trace the outline of his back and run up his neck and around to his chin. He gently guides me onto my back and slides on top of me.

We finish in a pile of flesh on flesh, sweat and smiles. I bury my head in his neck, trying to catch my breath. He holds on to me so tightly you would think he was clinging for his life to a piece of driftwood in the ocean. It doesn't feel uncomfortable or weird. It feels right. It feels like a place I should've always been. He talks about how incredible what just happened was. I concur. It was great but there are still things I have to know and I'm afraid if I don't ask them now, I never will. Denial is a wonderful city that I visit often with MNS but I have to have some answers and I want them face to face. I want to read his eyes when he fills in the blanks for me. I pull back from him and prop up on an elbow so that we are eye to eye and face to face. He says "I knew I was missing out the last year and a half but I had no idea how badly." He kisses me again but I don't return it. When he propped up I saw my answer. I didn't have to ask if "she" was a girlfriend or a wife or an ex. He was wearing his wedding ring. My jaw must've dropped. He followed the stare of my eyes to his hand. "Oh my god, babe. I am so sorry." I fall back and stare at the ceiling, fighting back tears. "I can't fucking believe this", is all I can muster. He turns my face to look at him. "I'm so sorry. I was in a hurry this morning and it will never happen again. I swear. This ring means nothing to me..." I glare at him. His lame words cannot make me feel better. "Obviously." He looks humiliated and ashamed but I'm sure it is no match for what I'm feeling inside. "I was right, wasn't I? About your last name and who you are?" He swallows hard, knowing he cannot lie anymore. "Yes. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to lose you. You're the only bit of happiness I've had in years. Talking to you was the only thing I had to look forward to every day. I just wanted to buy some time so I could make things right. I was always planning to tell you. I promise. I will never lie to you again." I laugh a little bit. "Wow." He's right. Had he told me the day I called him out on it that it was true, I never would've spoken to him again. Sneaky fucking bastard.

I start drilling him about her and their life together and anything that comes to mind. He answers honestly, even when it's not what I want to hear. He says the divorce is "in motion" and that he has met with a lawyer but that he has to be very careful. I ask why. He says because she will go nuts and might possibly be the crazy stalker type. "Awesome! I love those!!" I blurt out, a little too loudly. We talk for awhile before I glance at the clock. I know that we both have to get going to work. Even though it's so wrong, I didn't want him to leave. I don't say anything. I just put my head on his chest and let him hold me. "I could stay like this all day", he says. I know exactly what he means. I wish we could. Then I wouldn't have to face reality and what I have just done. I could lay here with him, in our own little world where there are no wives and no guilt and nobody else. Reality is such a kick in the wahoozy sometimes.

We get dressed and I walk him to the door. He gives me a quick kiss and hug and says he will talk to me soon. I glance at the shiny silver band around his finger again. I shut the door behind him and quickly wipe away the tears that have begun to cascade from my eyes. I look at my tussled bed and nearly vomit. My phone alerts me I have a text. It's from MNS. It says "That was amazing, just like you. Can't wait to see you again. I'm serious I could've stayed all day." I freshen up, get dressed in record speed and head to work. I call Yommey from the car. The second she answers I scream in her ear, "I am a dirty whore!!!!" She laughs. "Why?" I don't know if I can say it outloud, even to my Yommey. "We need a new name for Mr. No Show." Now she is the one screaming in my ear. "What?! He showed up? Are you fucking kidding me?! Oh my god!!" Fair has pretty much the same response when I call her.

I'm a complete schizophrenic all morning. He and I text back and forth and every time I'm talking to him or reading the sweet things he says I'm smiling like a fool. In the minutes in between those texts I want to beat my own head into my desk for being so stupid and selfish. It doesn't matter how much he despises her or how miserable she makes him. I am not a home-wrecker. I can't and won't be that girl. He has got to get that divorce in motion, pronto tonto, or I will be forced to abandon him and "us" forever. On the other hand, even if he did leave her to be with me, could I ever trust him?

In between texts from MNS I get a few from Kong and Q as well. Kong is wondering if I want to play cards tonight. I tell him I am staying in but maybe another time. I just ignore Q's texts. It's the best way to deal with him lately, I have found. Apprentice and I go get a few drinks over lunch. She is having her own crazy drama with CW and we need to brainstorm and vent and relax.

MNS texts me the entire day and most of the early evening until he heads to his parents house. I can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. Yommey and I drink some wine and maul over our love lives. She can see how bittersweet this has been for me. The more wine I drink, the more I think Fair and Yommey are right. I am not the devil. I do deserve to crack a small smile. It has been a long road and MNS and I have finally consummated our relationship. As we continue to talk and drink I blurt out of nowhere (and quite loudly) "I earned this affair, god damn it!!!" Yommey almost chokes on her wine. And sadly, I'm serious. I have invested way too much time and energy and emotion and tears into MNS to not enjoy this a little bit. He came looking for me and I didn't know he was taken until over a year into this. I'm sorry, but I am going to try to enjoy this. Why shouldn't I be happy too?

Before bed MNS texts me goodnight and that he can't wait to see me soon and he will talk to me in the morning. I read it and I smile. I smile and I don't feel bad about it. I smile because it makes me happy inside my heart. I smiled because in my sick and twisted head, I earned it.