Roulette

TUESDAY 1:25 PM
I get a text from Mob's phone. It tells me he was shot three times last night and is in critical condition. My heart sinks. His buddy, Jun, has his phone and figured he better let me know asap. He asks me if I talked to Mob last night and I said I did and that he was being all weird on me. He asks me why I didn't stop him from going. I start to crack. I tried to stop him! I've been trying to stop him since I met him almost a decade ago! Don't put this on me. You are there with him. Why didn't you stop him? Anyway, he can't tell me what hospital he's in because "the family" aka Pops, doesn't want anyone (meaning me and the people that want him dead) to know. I tell Jun that is completely fucked up and I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't tell me. We text back and forth throughout the day. He sends me updates when he has any and tries to calm me down. I tell Jun to tell him I love him.

I have a total migraine. I can't imagine what I would do if Mob died. No, I haven't seen him in three years but that doesn't mean I don't love the guy and wouldn't miss talking to him almost daily. It's hard to explain to someone that's never been in a situation like this with a family like his. If he died, I would not be allowed at the funeral. The thought brings tears to my eyes. If I showed up at his funeral, I would be killed. Take a minute to absorb that. It's heavy. I've always known it. In the back of my mind I always thought it would get better. That maybe if he lived to be 50 I could go and it would be okay. If he dies today, Monday night will be all I will ever have of him. I know his friends would do what they could for me but they also fear his Pops and some of them work for the family so their hands would be tied. This is my reality. I'm not ready to face that reality today. He has to survive this.

A few emails with MNS after work while I'm running around looking at houses. They are short but sweet. I love when he refers to us as "we". It's nice to know "we" agree that we are a "we". I ran an errand for him over lunch and he says he will try to stop by in the morning. He tells me he doesn't think he is bowling tonight because his back still hurts. Wow. Your back hurts that bad and you came and did me like you did this morning and you're skipping your favorite activity of bowling with the boys because of the pain? I'm climbing up the chain of priorities nicely. It's a good feeling. I email him before bed and tell him that the door will be unlocked in the morning in case he decides to come over.

Q sends me a text and asks if I miss him. I don't reply. I think he's brain dead. I miss him like a case of headlice. Jun texts me and says that Mob is awake. He asked for me. Jun told him I loved him. The doctors think he will pull through okay. I am relieved and grateful. Jun promises to continue to keep me posted and try to get me on the phone with Mob as soon as he can.

WEDNESDAY
I wake up and have two missed texts from Mob. I was out like a light and didn't hear them. MNS doesn't come over in the morning so I head to work. I text Mob back on my way. He is obviously on a lot of pain killers and his texts are next to incoherent but he's alive and he's in contact and I'm glad for that. He says he was shot in the arm, chest and side but it's ok. He made it out alive, no one else did. I tell him he needs to stop playing roulette with his life and get his head out of his ass. His last text says "we will be together. I love you too much to lose you again." I think about this and what it means. I do not write him back. What would I do if Mob finally decided to prove his love to me? What if this last bout of near-death experience really opened his eyes? I'm finally where I want to be with MNS, well, getting closer anyway, and what if Mob decided it was time to come and sweep me off my feet. Old love versus new love? It would be quite the debacle. Not that I see that happening. I'm just talking in theoretics right now. I think I would have to tell Mob I am sorry and see what happens with MNS. And then Mob would go back to the streets and the life I have been trying to save him from for years with the promise of my love. So I would be a big fat liar, pretty much. Fun thoughts, fun thoughts. Speaking of MNS, haven't heard from him yet today...