That Is Not The Word I Would Use...Is It?

MONDAY NIGHT
I endured a lot of teasing from Fair, Yommey and Apprentice. All three of them are convinced that I am in...errr...um....you know, in a deep emotional state with MNS. They all actually said that word. I feel like I should whisper it so I'm not cursed. Four letters, starts with an L and rhymes with shove. I, of course, get all defensive and deny it adamantly. I can't be in love with MNS. I've only met him once. Yes, there have been some very strong emotions over the last 18 months but a lot of those have involved me wanting to beat his head in too. I fully admit I have an emotional tie to the guy. That's obvious. Fair asks why else I have been willing to put up with everything he's put me through. I say because I'm stubborn and retarded. She retorts that she doesn't think there is a much of a difference. She may have a very valid point there. That love disease makes people do some pretty silly things. Regardless, I am holding steadfast to the idea that I am not in love with him. I might love certain things about him and love finally having him the way I have always wanted him but I am not in love with the man. I cannot and will not allow myself to be in love with a married man. That can only end very badly, divorce soon on the horizon or not.

TUESDAY
As I'm getting ready for work I get a text from MNS that he can't come over this morning but will tomorrow. I'm not disappointed because I didn't think he was coming over until tomorrow. I got to admit that I really love this new fandangled thing he does. You know, communicating with me and not standing me up and keeping me in the loop. It's totally glorious.

I get to work and he starts IM'ing me. Says he just got home from work. They sent them home for a few hours because there wasn't much to do and he probably doesn't have to go back until the afternoon, if at all. I tell him I wish I was home and then he could come over and hangout with me today. He agrees that would be a delightful time. We chat back and forth for awhile and I say we could meet up for lunch. He says to tell him where and when and he'll be there. He would love to see me today. We decide to meet at my house at noon. At 10:30 we decide we can't wait any longer and I leave work at 11 instead.

When he walks in the door it takes all my might not to attack him right there. I make fun of him for wearing a jacket from a sucky college in my house. He pulls me in for a big hug and says "Oh stop. You love it." There's that stupid word again! Ugh! When he hugs me, my face is buried in his chest and I can smell his cologne. It's yummy. He squeezes me tighter and kisses my head. I take his hand and lead him to my room.

When the bumping and grinding is complete we curl up together in silence. There are so many things I want to ask him and talk about and drill him on. I've had so many fake conversations with him in my head that I'm not even sure where to start. He has his eyes closed and a smile on his face as he rubs his fingers up and down my back. I stare at him and he opens one eye. "What's on your mind, babe?" I shrug. "Nothing, really." He starts laughing at me. "Yeah right." I ask him what he's thinking. He says that he's really thinking nothing. He's just enjoying laying here with me but I, on the other hand, as a female, am always thinking something. He says he can see the wheels turning. Like a two year old I close my eyes and curl up next to him again so he can't see my face, as if that will make him not know the wheels are turning.

I try to relax but I'm afraid if I keep lying next to him I am going to fall asleep in his way too comfy arms and we won't make it back to work. I prop myself up again. "Don't even tell me what time it is" he says. "I just want to stay here with you." I think to myself, oh, MNS, you have no idea how much I wish you could. He kisses me like he does know, without me even saying it. "You keep looking at me like you wanna ask me something." I feel like a moron. "No, I just want you to know you can ask me anything that's on your mind, if, you know, you decide to have a thought, as a man." He laughs at me again. Why am I being this girl? I'm sooo not this girl. What has he done to me?! "Would you feel better if I was drilling with you with questions?" I tell him no. "Is there something I should be asking? Something you need to tell me, babe?" Again my answer is no.

I tell him about threatening Biggy's balls the other night. "Sunflower seeds? Wow." I tell him I'm not a fan of guys grabbing on me without permission. He says, "great. You have a violent streak. I can look forward to you threatening my nuts for years to come." I assure him that he can touch me wherever he wants and that I would never threaten his nuts because if I hurt him in that region he is of no use to me anymore. In my head I start to analyze the fact that he just said "years to come" but I quickly dismiss it and we start talking about bowling tonight instead. He sits up to get dressed and says he will be over in the morning. I laugh at him because I know he will drink too much at bowling tonight and not make it. He says he doesn't always drink at bowling and that sometimes they have to be serious. Whatever, dude! We get dressed and I walk him to the door. He again says he will try to make it in the morning. I tell him I will see him Thursday and give him a kiss and a hug. I smile the entire way back to work. That was a great lunch.

I feel like I'm treading on very dangerous ice right now. I don't know if it's my girls putting the stupid idea in my head or if my heart is really trying to tell me something but I feel like I'm doing a tight-rope act and one wrong move could send me spiraling into the quicksand hell that others call love. I, personally, would rather refer to it as the pit...maybe love pit would work. Anyway, I don't want to fall in there. It's too hard to get out. It took me nearly 2 years too fully pull myself out of the love pit that was Von and be able to move on with my life. I can't afford to lose anymore precious time on something that will surely not end well for me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I just can't. And falling in love with man that's married, even if he has been my imaginary fake boyfriend since 2007 is not what I need. I must be strong and avoid the love pit. I can do it!!

Oh God, I don't know if I can do this.