Remembering The Rules

TUESDAY
I'm annoyed at MNS right now for a variety of reasons, some of which are not his fault at all. I hate the way he makes me feel when I'm waiting to hear from him. I don't wait to hear from anyone. I don't chase. If you want me, you can try to come and get me. So why with him do I find myself chasing? I hang on his every word and wait for him to reply. I want his replies in record speed. If he takes too long I get annoyed. It's completely uncalled for but that's just how it is.

I'm not looking for anyone else right now. Of course, they come looking for me. Why does that always happen? And by all technicalities I am free to see whom ever I want since my boyfriend is married, right? So why do I feel guilty even having a conversation with other men? Isn't that a little fucked up? MNS goes home every night to his house with his wife and does god knows what. He claims he doesn't love her and they haven't slept together for a "very long time" but obviously he feels some sort of obligation or he would've left her already. I know it would upset him if I started dating someone else. We've had the conversation before. He says he doesn't want me with anyone but him but it's unfair of him to ask me to wait for him, he just hopes that I do. What would he think now that we've taken things to a different level with each other? Does he think I am just sitting at home knitting a blanket and planning out our lives together and ignoring anyone else with a penis?

The problem is right now I don't want to be bothered with anyone else. And that annoys me, as well. I only want to be with him but if he can't give me the attention I want and need, then I know my eye will start to wander. And I wouldn't keep it a secret. I would want him to know that these are the rules until he can be free for me. Sounds like a dangerous game, doesn't it? But it's not a game to me. It's my life. It's my heart. I'm not putting it on a shelf for anyone that can't step up and rightfully claim it as they should.

Bottom line is I've come to a conclusion. I'm not going to chase him. I've done that enough. If he wants to be with me the way he says he does, then he is going to have to fight to have me and keep me. He is going to have to work to make things better and right with us. He can come to me and hang on my responses that may be few and far between. He's the one with the loose ends to tie up, not me. If someone else comes along that floats my boat before he can do that, then I guess we will just have to see what happens. Of course no one really floats my boat like he does but who's to say that wouldn't or couldn't change? I'm starting to think that it doesn't really matter how I feel about him. He needs to make this right in a hurry. I've wasted a year and a half waiting on him. I don't think I can go another year and a half until he's mine for real. And if I don't hear from him by Friday, he is going to get a fucking ear full when he does contact me.