I'm On The Expressway To Hell

WEDNESDAY NIGHT
I spend the day with the family and the brand new nephew. The boys all leave me alone, which is good. Q sends me two texts but I just delete them and go about my business. Frickin' Dutch Boy calls again at 2 in the morning. I don't answer. What is his deal? I don't think I want to know.

THURSDAY
MNS wakes me up with a few texts bright and early. Um, hello, this is my day off people. I kinda wanted to sleep in. *sigh* MNS is on it like blue bonnet with the texts. He desperately wants to see me, blah blah blah. I tell him I will be home later this afternoon when I'm done with family stuff. He says, and I quote, "If I don't make it over this afternoon, I guarantee I will see you in the morning". It's the little words that a woman gets hung up on. MNS has never guaranteed or promised me anything. He is very smart in that way. It's always "I hope", "I will try", "Maybe", etc. For him to throw down the guarantee guantlet is really quite unique. But I still don't get my hopes up. It just triggers something in my mind that maybe he is getting closer to being a reality.

Bears calls me while I'm with my Sissy and asks if he can see me today. I ask him why he didn't return any of my texts. He says he didn't get them and was wondering why I didn't return his. I didn't get any. Either he's lying like a blanket or his new phone didn't get the text on it. Either way sucks. He says he is hoping to get off work at 3 and would like to take me to dinner. I say that sounds good and I will head to his side of town when my family takes off for home. After the family leaves I head to the West side. I call him and he says his boss asked him to work late but he should be off by 5 or 6. I'm cool with that because I would like to go home and take a nap. He says he will call as soon as he's off work.

Q starts texting me. Says he will be in town this weekend and wants me to come out with him and his family. I say no. He asks if I want to see him. I say no. He says he wants to see me. I say no. Do you see a pattern here? He thinks it would be great to get together. I tell him it's not a good idea. He asks if I want to talk to him. I say no, we have nothing to talk about. He says we have a lot to talk about. I'm starting to think his brain is made of bricks and he's not hearing anything I say.

6 PM rolls by and there is no word from Bears. I wait until 7 and call him. He doesn't answer. What is your deal, dude? Ever since you got to this stupid state I have barely heard from you. I realize you are busy setting up your new life and job and crap but make a minute for a sister, would ya? I just need an hour to know if this is a no-go or a hold on, it could be good kind of thing.

Mob starts texting me when I lay down to sleep. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and he wishes I was there. I know something is awry. He says he is about to go do a job for Pops and he has a bad feeling. He wishes he didn't have to go but he needs the money. This is not good. Mob never gets nervous. The last time he told me he was nervous was 2004 and he ended up in jail on charges of murder. Pops got him off, of course, but it was a terrible situation. I don't want him in those anymore. Especially when he's been doing so well staying clear of that crap. I tell him not to go. I tell him I love him and he better call me tomorrow. He promises he will. One of these days, if he's not careful, I know that he won't.

MNS starts texting me and asking if I am excited about tomorrow morning. I play along, as always, and tell him I can't wait to see him. Something about his demeanor has changed though. It's no longer innocent teasing and flirting. I tell Yommey that I have a weird feeling he might really show up. One would think this is a good thing, right? To finally meet my fake boyfriend/dating guardian angel/huge pain in my ass after 18 months, but to be honest, I'm scared out of my ever-living mind. If he really shows up, I have lost my sabotage card. I would be forced to face the truth in my future relationships and have no crutch to fall back on. I could be very disappointed if he comes over. All this build-up can only lead to serious let down, right? I mean, he isn't the man of my dreams. He can't be. He's not even real. But what if he is? Not the man of my dreams, but a real live boy that comes over to seduce me. What then? What we have now is safe. He can't hurt me if I never meet him. I'm already in so deep with him that if I meet him, heartbreak hotel is probably going to be my permanent residence from here on out. But how can I not meet him if the opportunity arose? Eventually I am going to have to face reality. Right? I mean, if he's real and all.

He continues to text me and talk about tomorrow morning and us and how excited he is and how he wants it to go down. I put my head on the pillow and know I will not sleep a wink. In my heart and my gut I know that MNS will be here in a few hours. And I'm clueless as to how I will react.

Stupid Dutch Boy calls me at 2:14 AM. I almost answer and curse him out but I know that conversation will be way more than I can handle right now. I hit ignore and continue to stare at my wall. What should I wear? Anything? Should I have candles? Music? Should I just kick him in the balls the moment he walks in? Bombard him with questions? Love him down first, ask questions later? Will he really come? What if it's his wife or girlfriend or whomever "she" is setting me up and she's going to walk into my bedroom, where I will be lying naked and surrounded by romance, and she will shoot me dead in my bed. It happens on tv. I probably deserve it. My stomach is turning. God, I wish I could sleep. I convince myself that he will not come. Tomorrow morning is no different than any other day we've had over the last 18 months. He won't come and I'll be mildly sad but know that it's for the best. I wish that were the case but I can't shake the feeling tomorrow is going to be different.

FRIDAY MORNING 6:15 AM
I've been up since 4 AM. I can't sleep a wink. I toss and I turn and I think and it's all hurting my head. What the hell am I doing? I should just get up and get ready for work. My phone alerts me I have a text. It's MNS. It says "I'll be there in a second". A let out a little scream/yelp/gasp for air. I unlock the front door, turn off the lights, start my CD on number 6, light a candle and position myself under the covers. My mind is racing. My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest. Is this really about to happen? I think I'm about to hyperventilate. I'm about to jump up and get dressed and call this entire thing off when I hear the front door open. In a matter of seconds MNS walks into my bedroom. Holy shit. He's totally real.