Wrapping it up...

Well, here we are. 2009 is about to come to a close. I am ready to wrap it up, along with this story. Mr. R and I are still together and he continues to amaze me every single day. It hasn’t always been easy, but once I decided that I deserved to be loved by him and feel happy, it’s been wonderful. Oddly, I owe a lot of it to my cousin’s death. Losing him put so many things in perspective for me regarding where my life was headed, what I wanted out of it, and who really loved me. It was a serious wake-up call for me and one that I have not taken lightly. Mr. R stayed with me through all of it and never blinked twice or thought about leaving. He has been my rock, my constant, my joy and the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Yes, MNS tried with all of his might to ruin things between Mr. R and I over the course of our relationship but the good news is, for the first time ever, I didn’t let him. Even when he left his wife. Even when he begged for me by his side and cried on my shoulder telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. I saw MNS a month or two ago and it was pretty much terrible. He promised me everything I had ever thought I wanted from him. We laughed, we cried, we hugged. And then I told him that his love was ruining me and that he had to let me go. He said he didn’t know how. At that point I told him not to contact me again unless he could figure out how because friends was all we could ever be from this point on. He sent me a few messages after that asking if I was sure that I wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he would respect my wishes and do whatever was easiest for me but that he would still call me every day in his head and tell me he loved me, and he hoped that didn’t constitute stalking. He said he would always love me and be sorry that he screwed things up and I deserved all the happiness in world. He wished that he was still my happiness. The last email I received from him said “I still believe that we will be great together someday”. I never answered him. I will always love MNS and wonder how he is. But he’s not my dream guy. I found that in Mr. R and I’m glad that Mr. R is Mr. Right for me and not somebody else.

Oh, I suppose I should touch on MOB, too. He’s become one of my closest friends over the years. There is no doubt in my mind that if I ever got in a bind, MOB would be there to save me. He’s finally found someone and I’m so excited for him. Told me he hasn’t felt this way about anyone since me. I figure she must be pretty cool then. The night he was going to tell her he loved her he called me first and asked if I had any advice. “Simple. Just love her like I know you can.” He reiterated to me that I would always be his true love and a part of me felt like he was asking permission to give his heart to her. I, of course, told him to do it and to do it well, as I only wanted his happiness. He broke down crying on the phone and said he had to go. I received the following email minutes later:

Boo-
I hope you can forgive me for all the wrong I’ve ever done to you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never forget that! If you ever need me, I mean EVER, I’m there for you babe. I love you so much. I can’t even put it into words. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I was young and stupid, but that’s no excuse! Nothing can make up for the way I treated you. You will always be my one true love and I thank you for loving me and making me a better man.
Mob

So where does that leave The Player? Well, retired, I guess. Mr. R and I are planning a wedding in the fall. I cannot wait to start our lives together and spend every day showing him how honored and lucky I feel that he chose me and stuck by my side when I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

Much love,
The Player

On My Knees...

Yommey, Mr. Right and I decide to go out for a drink tonight. It’s been a crazy week and we could all use a little rest and relaxation. We pick a bar just up the street that has some specials and a dart board. We’ve only been there for a couple drinks when my phone rings. It’s my parents. My heart races. They never call me on Wednesday nights unless something is wrong. I let it lay on the table and vibrate. “Something is wrong. Someone’s dead.” Yommey laughs at me and tells me to stop being a tard and answer the phone. I do and I know instantly by the sound of my mother’s voice that I was correct. Something is terribly wrong. I don’t remember much of the conversation. It all goes a little blurry. I remember her telling me that my cousin, who was like a little brother to me was found dead. I remember falling to my knees, tears streaming down my face, sobs sailing from my throat and handing the phone to Yommey so she could talk to my mother. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up and not knowing if I would ever find the strength to stand back up again. My mother told Yommey they didn’t have many details but would call as soon as they did. She told us not to make the 3 hour drive home until morning. I think she told us to pray.

After that it was a barrage of phone calls and crying and what the hell happened? He was 25 years old. Why would he take his own life? I felt bad for Yommey and Mr. R, watching while my family fell into splinters of ourselves, trying to piece it together, trying to make sense of it all. I remember their tears as well. Sitting next to me, holding my hand, tears rolling down their faces and I took call after call and fought to keep my sanity. Fair left her date and rushed to be with us as well. I was thankful to have them by my side. I couldn’t have done it alone.

I don’t remember if Mr. R stayed that night. I think I convinced him to go home. I sobbed in my bed for hours and talked to my family. I got up, knowing I was not going to sleep a wink, and wrote poems for him until 4:30 in the morning. I could not shut off my brain. I slept for an hour or two and then was awake again talking to my brother and my sister, my uncles, my cousins. Grasping for answers and anything to make it feel better. Nothing was working. Yommey went to work and we planned to leave for home as soon as she got done. I started pulling every picture of my cousin together and making a video for him. I sat at the computer like a possessed woman trying to edit those pictures and music together. It was hard to see through my swollen eyes that continued to gush. My head was beating so hard from lack of sleep and crying that I didn’t know if I could finish this project or not before we left. As I sat at the table, on the brink of giving up, I heard the front door open. There was Mr. R. He wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me so tightly. Told me he couldn’t get through the day at work knowing I was home alone and hurting. He made me lunch, picked up the house, helped me finish the video and pack my bags. And more importantly, he was there, next to me. And I knew he always would be, for as long as I would let him.

Kinda Like A Bob Ross Painting...

I'm happy. All week I have felt happy and relieved and excited for the future. I like it. Everything I look at has a new glimmer about it.

This is day 5 without MNS. He called from work this morning. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. When the number came up on my phone my stomach dropped and my heart nearly beat out of my fucking chest, but I knew I couldn't answer. We have nothing to say. I don't want to be sucked in ever again. He can't make me as happy as Mr. Right. I know this. Hell, everyone knows this. I was just the last one to admit it.

With Mr. Right I have a future. I have the potential for marriage and babies and love and support and security and understanding. He doesn't bring any drama. He helps me diffuse any that comes my way. He listens. He makes me laugh. He loves me and it's obvious. He fits in with my family and friends so well and I couldn't ask for more on that front. All I can really say about him is that he's super swell. If I get too mushy, Fair and Yommey will totally make fun of me. All you need to know is that I can't stop smiling and there's a pep in my step the last few days. Love is a crazy fucking ride.

A Great Day For An Epiphany

FRIDAY

MNS came over in the morning. I hadn't seen him in two weeks so it was nice. It was a short visit, as always. He was running between plants at work and stopped by to see the new house and me. And of course, to get a little loving. He had a different air about him. He was excited and seemed happier than I have seen him in awhile. His thoughts and plans of leaving soon were obvious. I think it was his being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel that made him giddy. Of course, when he spoke of leaving her very, very soon, I asked what the plan was. He said to leave. I said, when? He said soon. I told him that wasn't a valid plan. He left and sent me a few texts later in the morning. I reiterated to him that since we couldn't go away Saturday night for our romantic retreat, like we had planned, that I would like him to come over to the house Saturday night. He didn't reply. I tried calling him later in the afternoon and his phone was off. Since he had disabled his email, somewhat at my request, and I knew he had left work to go play softball, I had no way to get a hold of him. I figured I would just hear from him on Saturday sometime.

Spent the night with my besties, and Sissy and Mr. Right. We had a wonderful time catching up and shooting the shit on the porch. Although, earlier, at happy hour, me and the besties saw Professor Stalker. He saw us. Made sure he got close in case I wanted to talk, but then, luckily, left us the hell alone. It gave me the heebies just looking at him. Blech!

Anyway, the night was going along splendidly and I was having a lot of fun. Then I got a call from Jose. A friend of ours from college, and a former roommate of mine, had died this morning. He was 34 years old. He leaves behind a wife and three children under the age of 5. I couldn't even believe it when he told me. I called some of our other friends and they confirmed the devastating news. As I sat talking with Fair, Sissy and Mr. Right a million thoughts ran through my mind. First of all, how blessed I am to be so loved and have the most amazing support system in the world. I seriously have the most wonderful friends and family a woman could ever ask for. There is so much love around me, my heart could never be empty.

Mr. Right was so worried for me and my loss. I knew if there was anything that could be done to make it better, he would be more than willing and able. I assured him that all I needed was a few laughs, a few hugs and it would be ok. He, of course, gave me all of that and then some. I would catch him looking at me, with such concern on his face, and he would just smile and touch my hand and I did feel better. I wondered if I should call MNS. Why couldn't he make me feel better. Because his phone is off. Because he's too busy with his life. Because he's a piece of shit and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. This is my reality. This is my hard truth.

Mr. Right stayed the night since we had all been drinking. Plus he didn't want to leave me alone and I didn't want to be alone. Like a perfect gentlman, he didn't try anything at all. He slept next to me in the bed, holding me while I cried myself to sleep and stroking my hair. It was nice having someone next to me. It was nice having someone who cared and who listened. I thought about my friend's passing. It seemed like such an injustice. How would his family, wife and children cope with losing him? It made me pretty pissed at God for a hot minute. Why not someone like me? I'm not saying I'm dispensable or that people wouldn't miss me and be hurt but I have no spouse. I have no children. Hell, right now, I don't even have a job. Why someone like my friend that had so much going for him and so many people to be left behind.

I wondered, if it had been me, if MNS would've made time out of his busy schedule to come to my funeral or not. Well, if anyone could've gotten a hold of him to let him know. And I thought to myself, as Mr. Right slept close behind me...if you have to ask yourself that, you have a serious fucking problem, lady. Why are you wasting your time with someone like this? I realize, these are questions many people have put to me many times before regarding MNS. I guess, I just needed a tragic eye-opener to put things in perspective for me. I want to be married again someday. I want to have a family. I have wasted two years of my life on this guy whom, in the bottom of my heart, I don't believe can ever be the man I want him to be.

SATURDAY

I rolled over in the morning and watched Mr. Right sleep. It didn't make me feel weird he was in my bed. I didn't want him out of it either. I snuggled up behind him and kissed his shoulder. He has put up with so much shit and drama and bitchy-ness from me and yet he stands by my side, no matter what. And I know he will not go anywhere. Ever. He wakes and we chit chat for awhile. He again brings up going on a trip together to get away and instead of telling him he's crazy, I tell him I can't wait. His smile and genuine excitement is enough to make me giggle. We lay in bed and begin to plan our trip to the Bahamas.

Later that afternoon I try MNS's phone one more time for confirmation. It is still off. I erase his work and cell phone number from my phone. MNS has got to go away. I have got to find someone that wants the same things out of life as I do and is willing to work on that together. I want to give Mr. Right the chance he deserves, without having to compete with MNS.

SATURDAY NIGHT

I talk to Mr. Right for an hour before bed. He senses a difference in me the last 24 hours. I do too. I apologize to him for what I have put him through the last few months. He reiterates that he doesn't care how long he has to wait. He thinks I am worth fighting for and he truly believes we are meant to be together. I know that he means it. He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He's not into smoke and mirrors and plate spinning like MNS, as Fair would say. I tell Mr. Right that if this is going to work he is going to have to learn to tell me no once in awhile. He has to check me or I will destroy him. He says he doesn't want to. He says he just wants me to be happy. And I fight with him that if it's going to be an us, then it has to be about us, both of us, and not just me. I appreciate his love and concern but that's a dictatorship, not a relationship that I want to be involved in. Plus, if I get to be the boss 24/7, I will grow bored of him. I want to make him happy just as much as he wants to make me happy and if he's not willing to be open about his wants and needs, then I don't want to play. I am adamant with him about it and he finally agrees. I've never met someone that is so selfless and giving. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm glad he is not the selfish bastards I am used to dealing with. But I want him to be a man and let me know what he wants and needs as well. As much as this will probably blow everyone's mind, I don't want it to be all about me. It needs to be "we".

SUNDAY

Jose drove 4 hours down for the wake. We went together to say goodbye to our old friend. We saw a lot of our friends from college there and it was a bittersweet reunion. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we reminisced, we caught up, and we cried some more. And much to my own surprise, the first person I wanted to call when I got home...was Mr. Right.

My Apologies

I am very sorry for the hiatus. I've received a lot of correspondence begging for me to keep this thing up. I'm not sure how to fill you all in what has happened over the last two months. I'm going to try the short and sweet version and hope you can all keep up.

Balls is out. He left his baby mama for me and then turned into this wimpering, helpless, insecure 7 year old. He had no money, no plan, no self esteem. I told him he had to take care of him and figure out his life. The most we could be was friends. He still contacts me about once a week just to see how I am and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. He likes to pretend we didn't work out because he didn't have any money. I always remind him it had nothing to do with money. It's because he went just a bit crazy and was expecting me to do everything for him. I am nobody's mother and there's a reason for that. You are a grown ass man, take care of your business before you try galavanting up in mine.

Random #1 has graduated to a name. I'm calling him Mr. Right. Unfortunately, I don't believe he is Mr. Right for me. Fair dubbed him MRFS: Mr Right For Someone. He is hands-down the sweetest, most romantic, giving, loving, affectionate men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We have had a blast getting to know each other. All my family and friends adore him like he can walk on water and heal the blind. I adore him too. I'm just not in love with him. He's already told me he's in love with me. This freaked me out beyond any words I can possibly muster for you. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want such an angelic and loving man to love me? Because I will destroy him. Simply put. He's so sweet and nice and gives me whatever I want. I know, this sounds like a good thing. But, he never checks me. He never stands up for himself. And we all know what happens when I have someone like that in my grasp. It's like a giant holding a kitten. I want to love them and hold them but I end up squeezing them so hard their tiny little head pops off before I realize my brute strength. I don't want to destroy Mr. Right. I tell him very honestly from the get-go about MNS. I tell him I'm in love with another man. I tell him that I'm not over him. I tell him I don't know if I ever will be. Mr. Right doesn't care. He tells me I am the woman of his dreams and he will wait for me, whether it's a week or two years. He thinks I'm worth every second. When he says things like that and looks at me with all that love in his eyes, I feel pretty worthless. I want to love him the way he loves me. I want to make my family and friends proud of a decision of love once again. I want to be treated right and appreciated and loved with all of someone's heart. But I can't deny, the heart I want to love me is not Mr. Rights. Sadly, as always, it is MNS that I pine for.

MNS is still here, despite all my efforts to break the ties and heal. We've been through a ridiculous amount of bullshit the last two months to say the least. My cut off of my birthday lasted an entire three days without talking to him. That was a Tuesday night. He text me on that Friday as Mr. Right and I were driving to my parents for the 4th of July. I told him I was busy and leaving town. He text me Saturday to say he hoped I was having fun. As I watched my family drool all over Mr. Right I became very aggitated. I couldn't bring MNS here. I didn't know if he would ever be willing to come, even. Mr. Right was here, and having a blast, and wooing every person in sight. And I sat by the campfire staring at that message from MNS and fighting back tears. Try as I may, I just didn't have that chemistry or connection with Mr. Right. And believe me, I tried. But I couldn't stop comparing that little spark between Mr. Right and I to the raging inferno I felt towards MNS.

Anyway, I returned from home and that's when Mr. Right laid on me that he loved me. It sent me scurrying for the hills. I text MNS and asked him if we could talk. He was more than willing. I told him I was fucked up over us. I told him he had to let me go so that I could move on. I told him that I didn't believe he would ever be mine. He told me that he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't be long, he's missed me so much. He would do anything to keep me. Same old bullshit, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Well July 14th was an interesting day to say the least. It pretty much came down to me blowing everything with MNS and I out of the water. I called him out. I told him how much he sucked. How much he hurt me. How I wished he would just drop off the face of the earth and never return. He countered with he loved me, I make him feel amazing, he's so happy when he's with me. I gave him a list of demands that I needed. I told him if he couldn't abide by them, then not to bother ever contacting me again. He told me he would do them, wanted to do them, and would be an idiot not to.

Somedays It Feels Like My Hearts In A Turbo Salad Spinner

The weekend went the same as many in the past. MNS telling me he is going to try to see me and not coming through. Spending my nights hanging out with my girls, Balls and his crew. Texts and calls with Random #1. Out of the blue calls from Dom and Rebound, which I don't answer. Mob calling just to hear my voice and tell me he loves me. Sunday night Marine calls and wants to hang out but I'm too tired and it's late.

I wake Monday morning to a text from MNS saying he has to go into work and can't come over. I'm not shocked. I'm not even sure if I'm that disappointed. I mean, I am, of course but it's become the norm and perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to it. Perhaps I'm getting a bit numb to him. Does this have anything to do with Random #1? A little bit, I'm sure. There is just no comparison in the way they treat me. So why do I still love MNS when he's such a fucking dillweed?

You know those stupid forwards you get on your phone now? As if those didn't annoy me enough in email and now they've found their way to my cell phone. Anyway, I have one in there that I read Monday morning. It says the following "Wait until you find a guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot or sexy. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the person that kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world. Who holds your hand in front of their friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to their friends and says "there's my baby". Wait for the one that's true to you." I read it a couple of times. MNS can hardly return a text, can't keep his word on anything, I haven't met his friends (minus the St. Patricks Day incident) or family and we don't share much of anything anymore. Yommey is the only one that's met MNS and all my friends want to get shirts that say MNS SUCKS and wear them to his softball games. If we were on a version of love survivor, it's pretty obvious which one they would vote off the island.

Who's Hurting Me The Most? Not Him. I Am, I Am!!

WEDNESDAY

I didn't bother to text or email MNS this morning. We shall see how many days it takes him to notice. Balls and Random #1 are all up in my business non-stop. They are a brilliant distraction and I am thankful for that. I get a text from MNS at 3:30 in the afternoon saying "what's up babe? how's it going?" I tell him fine and leave it at that. No need for idle chit chat.

I spend a lot of time thinking in the evening. Both Balls and Random #1 are texting me non-stop and finally I tell them I'm busy so I can get a little me time. I tihnk about MNS a lot and what I want and what I believe that he cannot give me. It's daunting. I wonder how long this game between us will continue and I realize, it will continue as long as I let it. And I don't want to let it keep going like this. I'm about to turn 33 years old.

THURSDAY

I send MNS the following email:

MNS,
you were right. i have been pushing you to leave. i'm sorry for that. i figured out last night i'm pushing the wrong person. i should be pushing myself. you will leave whenever you're ready and it's your life. i, on the other hand, can only control my own and my reactions to yours. and, as much as i so want to be with you, i can't do this forever. so i'm going to give it to my birthday and if nothing has changed with your situation, then i will need to change mine. i just don't feel like i can enter 33 in the same mind set and playing this waiting game. i don't want to wake up 35 and you're still there tying things up and i'm like "what the fuck?" lol. if you're out by my birthday then great and we can move forward and see what happens. but if things don't change by then i am going to start seeing other people and exploring the dating scene again and leave you alone, as hard as that will be.

whenever you do decide to leave her, i truly hope that you call me and we can see where we both are at and hopefully give it a try if i'm not with someone else. i luv ya to pieces and i'm sure you understand where I am coming from. you've said you can't ask me to wait and just know that i made that decision on my own because i thought i would have you if i waited. and the thought of not having you in my life at all scares the holy fucking crap out of me. i hope i can still talk to you and see you a few times before july 1st. i'm just not going to be up your ass so much. if you want to see me, you will make it happen and i'm just going to roll with that and hope you do.

A few hours later he responds via text and says "interesting. so i'm on the clock now?" I tell him he's not on the clock but I am. I'm not being fair to myself. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me. I tell him he doesn't have to lose me. I get no response. If he wants to be with me, he will. I can't force him to do anything. This is all up to him now.

THURSDAY NIGHT

I go out for happy hour with the girls. Balls is up my butt and wanting to know where I am and who I'm with and if I'm having fun. Can I get a minute to breathe, please? Random #1 comes out and meets us for drinks. He's even more hilarious in person. We end up having a blast out and about. Then something terrible happens. I Amber Bock my phone. An entire glass. You know, my phone, my life line, my baby!! I fear it will never be revived and my night goes quickly down hill from there. Even though Balls is not out with us, his buddies at the club make sure to report back to him on every move I make. He keeps texting me but I can't reply on my barely alive phone. At the end of the night Random #1 comes in for the kiss and I totally kiss him back, all the while wondering what the hell I am doing. I pull away and give him a hug and call it a night.

FRIDAY

My throat feels like I swallowed a thousand rusty razor blades when I wake up in the morning. Yommey takes me to my car and I head back home to get some rest. Random #1 and Balls are both calling and texting to see if I'm ok. My phone is working a little better and I'm relieved for that. MNS texts me and says that if he can get away from work he would like to see me. It's a nice thought. I tell them all I'm going to take a nap and will talk to them later.

Balls calls me at 11:15 to see how I'm feeling. I tell him I'm a little better and he says that he has a surprise for me. I see his truck pulling in the driveway. I tell him he can't come in because I look like complete shit and haven't even showered. He doesn't care. We cuddle on the couch and it breaks my heart. He's so sweet and he likes me a lot. But his situation isn't much better than MNS's and I don't understand why I keep putting myself in these predicaments. Is Yommey right? Am I really so scared of being in a real relationship since Von that I pick the ones I know cannot turn into anything of substance? Some days I don't know. My phone starts ringing at about 11:30 and I have a slight anxiety attack, imagining it's MNS on his way over. What would I do? How would I handle the situation? Who would I pick? What the fuck am I doing? Balls is different than my situation with MNS. First of all, I think I will be the one to hurt him. MNS doesn't seem to have a heart on most days and would be fine if I didn't exist in his world. Balls would be very upset. I know this and he has told me repeatedly. My friends adore Balls and the way he looks at me and kisses me and talks about me. MNS barely knows my friends at all. But I know in my heart of hearts that if both were standing in front of me, readily available for the taking for infinity, I would choose MNS. Right or wrong, he has my heart and I've yet to be able to steal it back from him. I've snuck a few pieces of it loose, don't get me wrong. But overall, it's still his.

Once Balls leaves I spend the afternoon dodging any and all correspondence with any men. Yommey, Fair and I go to the club that night and hang with Balls and his buddies. He is a little crabby but still super affectionate and cute towards me. And really protective. Like, super over-protective. And it's not just that, it's his friends too. A few guys ask me to dance inside and I politely decline. A little later one of them comes outside to our table and says how he asked me to dance and I wouldn't and he wants to know why I blew him off. Before I can answer Ball's cousin says "Go ask her man if you can dance with her!" He points to Balls and the minute the guys eyes see Balls he slinks away. Now, that's not cool and I clearly do not have a man. When I say this outloud I can see shock and disappointment on Balls and his buddies faces. I'm sorry, but no man owns me. Plain and simple. I'm glad that you care and are concerned but do not mistake a few kisses and great conversation as possession papers on me. I'm not a car or an X-Box. And if you think I'm one of your toys, you best think again.

New Rules

MONDAY

MNS begins texting me bright and early that he's hoping to see me today or tomorrow. It's raining which means, theoretically, he won't be as busy at work and should be able to get away. Balls and the two other randoms I still haven't named (we will just call Random 1 and Random 2 at this point) are texting and IM'ing me all day long, as is Marine. Marine wants me to come hang out with him that night. I'm tempted but we instead make plans for next Tuesday night. MNS texts me before bed that he will see me in the morning.

TUESDAY

As I'm getting out of the shower MNS texts me and says he's not going to make it this morning. I say ok. He writes back that he's just as upset as I am. I doubt that. I remind him that if he wasn't living at home with her we wouldn't be having this problem. He says it's a nice thought. I tell him I'm waiting on him to make it a reality. He doesn't respond. This pisses me off. I text him and tell him that he should youtube the song "Stay" by Sugarland. I can't think of a song that comes closer to telling him what I think. It's a ballsy move on my part, putting everything out there, including my stupid bleeding heart but I don't care. I tell him not to text me again until he listens to it.


As I'm pulling off my exit my phone rings. I scramble for it. For a split second I allow my mind to think that this could be MNS and he's sorry and it's all going to be okay now and that song opened his eyes. Then reality cuts me off with the grace of a semi in the slow lane and I look at my caller ID. It's Balls. He is just calling to wish me a wonderful day and he hopes he can see me soon and to remind me how beautiful I am. You know, exactly what MNS should be doing but is apparently incapable of. I also get texts from Random #1 and #2 wishing me a great day. That's awesome. Even strangers I've never met make MNS look like a piece of shit.

An hour later I get three texts from MNS, faster than I can reply to any of them.
"what's going on?"
"where are you?"
"are you at work?"
Um, yeah, I'm at work. I've been here for an hour now. What is the problem? He texts and says he was hoping to stop by quick before he went up to the other plant. Sorry, you told me that you couldn't stop by this morning so I came to work like a normal person would. When he gets to the other plant he gets online and we start IM'ing. It's nice. We haven't been able to do that for a minute. And then things get really weird. He must've listened to the song. I won't bore you with all the chit chat but here are the important segments from the two hour session.



MNS: oh I know your a woman believe me. You like to do all that thinking and asking questions.
ME: yeah, god forbid. and i try to remind myself that you're a man. but i think most days you completely underestimate how i feel about you and the lengths i would go to to make sure you're smiling. that's why it's annoying. and i don't ask half the questions i want to so throw me a bone here!!!! lol.
MNS: I agree and appreaciate that but I thought we had that conversation a long time ago. We talked about us and what we are and the possabilities are for the future. Didn't we talk about that or am I wrong?
ME: um...refresh my memory?
MNS: That right now we are good friends with benefits of course and then once I am free we will explore all the possibilities. Isn't that what we talked about?


That's not exactly how it went down, but ok. I'm going to roll with him on this and see where he's heading...

ME: and if there wasn't a possibility for the future, you would tell me that. if you already knew it wasn't going to go anywhere further?
MNS: Yes I would tell you if there werent any future possibilities. You know there are. But I need to get out of the mess I'm in and sometimes I feel like you are getting a little serious. I know you want me out of my situation like I do but sometimes I feel like your pushing. Like when you do the whole drunk texting thing. Thats a little wierd.
ME: i get that. from my perspective though there's this guy i've been talking to for almost two years, been sleeping with for three months, and the entire time he's been telling me he's trying to wrap up loose ends and take care of things and i keep thinking it's getting closer and closer but it doesn't. and now you think i'm getting to "serious" after all this? Do you even care about me at all or am I just another fuck buddy to you?
MNS: How could u ask me that? You matter to me a lot but I can't call you anything more than that while I'm still living with my wife.
ME: So this is just a label technicality that is making me feel like total shit?
MNS: No. Babe, that's why I told you that if you feel I am treating you unfairly then go see other people. I don't really want you to but I am not going to ask you to wait cause that wouldn't be fair. I know that. Plus once I do leave I am going to have to get myself situated. And you already know the hours I work. I know it's crazy and everything.
Me: it is crazy. i guess i was confused because you kept saying "very soon" and to me that means soon. not months down the road. i don't have a problem waiting a little while but if your "very soon" is five more months, then i would have to re- evaluate a lot of things. i guess just once i would like to hear you say that you want me to wait for you and want to be with me. but if you can't really say that, then you can't say that. if it's just a possibility than that's all it is.
MNS: I do want to be with you!! but I don't want to say that while I am in the situation I am. And I definetely don't want to ask you to wait cause that would not be fair of me to ask. Also I would like to get my life straightened out once I am away from her. That doesn't mean seeing anyone that means getting my son and that situation together and having a nice place and doing my job good and playing my sports and seeing where you and I can go.

At this point I know exactly where this is going. Nowhere. How could it possibly? I fight tears for a second and totally win the battle for once.


ME: Ok, well call me when you wanna fuck me then, friend. Have a great day.


He dings me three times and I don't reply. Balls is dinging me. Random #1 is dinging me. I go out to the car and call Yommey. What the hell?! We decide that if MNS wants to pretend that we are fuck buddies that is exactly how I will treat him. No more chatting for no reason and seeing how the days are going. No more miss you blech blech barf shit. I go back inside and there is another IM from MNS.

MNS: Are you done talking to me?
ME: Yes. But I'm not done fucking you. Let me know when we can make that happen.
MNS: Today?
ME: Sure.
MNS: I can do 2.
ME: That doesn't work for me. Try again.
MNS: How about 1?
ME: See you at the house.

He shows up at 1:10. He crawls in bed with me and starts yapping. "Don't be angry with me. I wasn't saying that to be hurtful..." I shut him up by sticking my tongue in his mouth and sliding on top of him. It is what it is and there is no reason to re-hash it. Let's do what we came to do.

Those people that totally dig angry sex might be into something. The event was phenomenal. Or maybe it was because he tried harder and I tried less and was able to kick back and enjoy it. Not sure but it was great. When we finish it lays on top of me trying to catch his breath. I roll him off of me. He pulls me in for a hug and closes his eyes. I hug him for a second and then prop myself up beside him. He opens one eye, knowing this is my "I'm not very happy right now" or "we need to talk about something serious" stance.

MNS: What's wrong?
ME: Nothing.
MNS: Bullshit. Come here.

He pulls me into him again but I pull back and laugh. I tell him there's no need to cuddle. He says "but I want to cuddle. What do you mean, no need?" I tell him fuck buddies don't cuddle. I get up out of bed first, which has never happened, and get dressed. He sighs, knowing his calling us that was one of those things that once you put it out there, you just can't ever really take it back. He starts telling me a story about his buddy as he's getting dressed. I don't think it's as funny as he does. I walk him to the door and give him a kiss and a hug. He says he will email me when he gets back to the office. He doesn't and I don't email him either. I don't text him before bowling and tell him good luck or at bedtime and tell him to have a good night.

I spend the afternoon and evening chatting with Balls and Random #1. They are cracking me up and it's just what I need.

I'm Not Gonna Slaughter Your Rabbit, Fool.

The weekend was what has become the norm. Texts and broken promises from MNS that he will come see me soon and how much he misses me. Still another weekend without him. Although he did call me again which made me happy. That's a sad statement, isn't it? A call from him, something he should probably be doing on a regular basis anyway, made me happy. Friday was a little rocky for MNS and I as he had a softball game that night and I wanted him to invite me. He didn't. He tried to make me feel bad for making him feel bad for not inviting me. Huh? How the hell does that work? Friday night I spend hanging out with the girls at the club where Balls works. Everyone there thinks I'm his girlfriend. He doesn't correct them and it's kind of weird to me. Yommey and I get drunk and Balls and his buddy have to drive us home. I get some sweet kisses and then sent to my room to sleep alone. Which is, of course, a good thing. When I get into bed I send MNS a text that says "you know, you probably shouldn't be a dick to me. just a thought."

SATURDAY

I'm awakened at 5:43 by a barrage of texts from MNS asking how he was a dick to me and what that was supposed to mean. Seriously, if you have to ask how you were a dick to me, you have more issues than I thought. He asks again what my text meant and if I were threatening him. I said "yep, I'm gonna go Fatal Attraction on you. Lock up your bunnies." What the fuck? I'm just telling you to be nice to me. If I was going to out you I would've done it by now and could've done it a million times. Do you not remember that I have your home phone number, address, wife's name and social? Please, homeslice. Give your mistress some credit here. If I thought that outting you might help me get my way I would probably dab a little evil on my face and consider it long and hard but I don't see that bringing me the end result I desire. We text throughout the morning and he tells me how he is going to come see me after work. Yeah, we'll see, won't we?

Talk to Balls pretty much non-stop all day and every day. The weekends are no different. He calls just to hear my voice and ask me how my day is going. Sounds like something someone else should be doing. Are you taking notes MNS? I continue talking to two other randoms that I have not yet named.

MNS does not show up after work and when I try calling him at 7, his phone is off, meaning, I will not hear anymore from him tonight. Mother trucker. Balls wants me to come see him at work but I don't feel like leaving the house and none of my posse is up for going out.

SUNDAY

Numerous texts from Balls and the other two randoms. A few from Marine. MNS sends me a text in the afternoon that says "what's up babe? I'm missin you so much!" I write back and ask him if he misses me enough to come see me today. He doesn't answer.

Another First

WEDNESDAY

The day was fine. Chatted with Balls and a few randoms. Got an email from BHA (Big Headed Ass from days gone by). What the hell is that about? Nice to hear from you and glad you're well but we are so not going to be hanging out anytime soon. I still don't trust you, think you're arrogant and have not changed my mind on having your baby. Hazel Eyes texts me and tells me he's coming to town for the weekend and he wants to see me. I tell him that sounds cool. He asks if he can have me all to himself while he's here. That is highly unlikely but I would like to see him for a little bit. He tells me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. We will see if he really shows up or not. He's beyond flaky and hasn't made it to my town in over a year.

MNS texts me in the afternoon and I'm a bit snippy with him. I tell him I'll just throw his birthday present in his truck since he has no time to come see me...ever. In his defense the man works from 5:30 in the morning until god knows when at night and I know he's tired but I need a little effort. I told him he needs to start thinking about me like a championship softball game that he can't miss, no excuses. He said that was true. Well, duh. I should be more important than that but whatever. He's a man who loves playing sports and his stupid job. What can I do but be a woman and get really crabby and make him feel like crap about it? Apparently, it worked. MNS and I had another first. I know, I know, slow your roll, right? First he calls me this weekend and then...he came over after work. Yep, he came by to see me after a hard days work before he went home. He told me he couldn't stay long and I said that I didn't expect him too. I just wanted to see him. So he came over on his way home and I gave him his birthday presents...which he loved. He read my card, which I signed "love" with a cute little message and gave me a big hug and a kiss. I had to prod him to continue to the good stuff inside the bag. Then I gave him a different kind of birthday present that you just can't wrap up with a bow. Ends up he gave me a present right back. It was awesome. Once we were done giving it to each other we had about 3 minutes to cuddle and talk before he had to go. I didn't even want to talk. I just wanted to lay there for a second in his arms, despite it being about 300 degrees in my room. As I'm walking him out my phone goes off for the 4th time in 20 minutes and he reminds me in a very sarcastic manner that I better "check that quick" because it seems like someone is dying to talk to me. I give him a playful shove and tell him to hush himself. He gives me a quick kiss and disappears out the door.

All my missed texts are from Balls. He is on it like blue bonnet and the second I reply to his texts I have an immediate response. I can't believe how sweet he is sometimes or how jealous. It's a bit amusing to me that he can be so jealous and protective of me when we are just friends. If only MNS had a fraction of that jealousy and possessive feelings towards me. That would be nice. I know that's not his style but still, show a girl some love, would ya?

I fall asleep early and miss texts from Balls, BHA and Hazel Eyes.

If You Were A Pair Of Shoes...

If you were a pair of shoes…
I would ask for my money back. You have been way too expensive in so many ways. You look great on me but I don’t get the chance to wear you very often. You sit on a shelf high in my closet and taunt me. I no longer have many outfits that match you. You are not comfortable enough to wear every day around the house. Every day I think of you and wish you were like that glass slipper I could slide onto my foot and it would be perfect and forever…but you are not. I have tried repeatedly to make it fit. You don't give any and I can no longer keep shoving myself into you. You leave me with blisters and battle wounds. You do not cushion me and make me feel like I'm walking on air anymore. The newness and excitement of you has worn off. I think I need something less flashy and a little more practical these days. There are a million pairs of shoes out there that just might be a better fit for me. Sure, they might not make me leap for joy and exclaim "I must have them!!" like I did when I found you, but that doesn't mean they aren't good, quality shoes. I'm not the kind of girl that will suffer for appearances anymore. If it doesn't fit, I must quit.

Not A Very Memorable Memorial Weekend

THURSDAY

Emails, texts and IM's with MNS and Balls throughout the day. Nothing has changed with Balls. Neither of us knows what we want, if anything, with the other. We know we like talking and it feels good but we also have other obligations (his son, baby mama and MNS) to think about. At this point I don't see anything changing for either of us or progressing between us.

MNS keeps up his talk of moving out very soon and that he may need a key to the apartment and he can't wait to wake up next to me and see me every day. I'm so tired of talk at this point. He says he will see me this weekend and needs to see me and can't wait. Is it me you need to see or is that you need to get a little? I can't help but wonder.

Marine is wondering if he can see me this weekend. I tell him we will play it by ear. He tells me I can come out and see him Thursday night but I am sleepy and don't feel like it. I say maybe Saturday night or Sunday. Truth be told, I just want to see MNS. I want to talk to him and figure out what is going on. I can't go any further into anything with Balls or Marine if MNS is seriously thinking of moving in with me "soon".

FRIDAY

Same as the days before. Emails, texts and IM's with MNS and Balls. Balls is wondering if I'm going to come out to the club tonight and see him at work. I tell him I have a girl's night planned and will not be seeing him. Marine asks me to go to dinner. I tell him the same. MNS swears he is going to come over in the morning and see me.

As I'm getting drunk with the ladies I get many texts from Balls seeing how my night is going, telling me he misses me and reminding me he would love to see me tonight. I can't lie. I like it. He gives me a LOT of attention and he's always very, very sweet and cute when he does it. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel crappy when I realize it's him and not MNS. I ask Balls on a scale of 1-10 how badly he wants to see me tonight. He says 22.

10:45 PM
After consuming copious amounts of alcohol I convince Fair to take me to see Balls. As I'm walking out the door Marine calls to see if he can see me now. I tell him I'm on my way out. MNS texts me as I'm heading to see Balls. He wants to come over. It's 11 o'clock at night and I'm out and about. He doesn't seem to like that very much. Balls does not seem to like the fact that I'm texting MNS while sitting there with him at work. Apparently I just can't please anyone, including myself. MNS gets mushy about seeing me in the morning and how he can't wait. I tell him I can't wait either.

Fair needs to go home to sleep and Balls tells her he can take me home. Fair thinks Balls is very sweet and loves how he showers me with affection. I love it too but it causes me mass confusion. Tonight, though, I don't care. It feels good and I'm just going to roll with it. Before I can get home Balls needs to drop off his buddy. I take a nap in the backseat of the Tahoe while we drive. I'm sleepy and quite drunk at this point. I am, however, very aware of the fact that I have made out with Balls at different intervals throughout the night. As we get closer to Ball's buddies house a small lump rises in my throat. I know this neighborhood. We are scarily close to MNS's house. I start to freak out a bit. What if his buddy is MNS's next door neighbor or something and they know each other. Or we pull up and MNS happens to be outside and they start shooting the shit and he looks in the bank and sees me all drunk and retarded and wondering why the hell I am in the back of this tahoe at 2:30 in the morning. Ugh. For a second I think I am going to vomit. Balls slows the truck right by MNS's street and then keeps rolling. I breathe a TINY sigh of relief. He stops the car a block away from MNS's house and lets his buddy out. That is way to close for my comfort.

Balls gets me home and helps me into my room. I fall on the bed and giggle. What a weird night. I glance at the clock and think that work is really going to suck in less than 5 hours. Balls helps me take out my contacts and take off my shoes and puts me under the covers. He kisses me and I kiss him back. He's a really great kisser. I like kissing him. I want to keep kissing him but I am very distracted by the irritating noise that is wailing from his pants pocket, repeatedly. Finally, after about 12 missed calls he grabs the phone and looks at it. "It's my son, I gotta go." And with that, he sprints out of my room and out of the apartment. Okie dokie then. I have a smoke and talk to Yommey on the deck for a few minutes. She thought I had just run out the door and came out to make sure I was ok.

I fall asleep around 3:30 or 4.

SATURDAY

MNS starts texting me at 6 AM. I can barely focus my eyes to read the texts he is sending me. He apparently woke up on the happy, cheery side of his marital bed this morning as he is being very mushy and excited to see me as soon as he gets off work. We text back and forth until 8:30 when I finally realize I'm not going to get anymore sleep. He says he should be over about 9. I sit up and hold my head, knowing I desperately need to shower the rum and smoke off of me before he gets here. I brush my teeth for a really long time and hear my phone beeping again. It's MNS. He says his boss just called and says he has to run up to the other office when he's done at his. What the fuck?! You're supposed to come see me in 15 minutes. I ask him if he's trying to make me cry and tell him this is bullshit. He says "I would never want you to cry. You crying would make me very sad. Please don't do that." I write back and tell him I can't sit around and wait for him to get off work whenever because I have to go to work at some point. I wasn't really crying, but felt like I could for a second and I wanted him to think that I was. He needs to know I can't take this roller coaster. I'm so sick of getting put on the back burner for every reason in the book. I toss my toothbrush on the counter. Fuck the shower. I just wanna go back to bed but I can't because I have to go to work. My phone starts ringing and I look at it. No fucking way. MNS...is calling...me?! What? I answer and he asks if I'm ok. It's very odd to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. We've never talked on the phone before. He tells me he's very sorry he has to go see his boss but he will hurry and we plan that I will go to work and he will take care of that and we shall meet at my house at 1 pm. I hang up the phone and I'm still on the verge of messing my pants. He finally called me!! How sad is my excitement?

I go to work and come back and wait. At 1 he sends me a text and says he's still working. At 4 he sends me one that says he got screwed at work and is late to his sisters party.

SUNDAY

I don't hear much from MNS. Balls and I are fighting because I tell him I can't take this any further and I don't know what I want from him but I'm pretty sure he can't give it to me. The Marine's ex begged him back Saturday night in a fit of tears. He can't decide what to do. I tell him to keep me posted and I'll see him around.

MONDAY

MNS starts texting me bright and early saying that he is hoping he can come see me today. He "needs to" see me and misses me "so bad, you don't even know". Of course I don't know because he doesn't show up. I don't hear anything from him after lunch time and his phone is off when I try to call him at 7. Mother F'er!! Balls starts texting me and I pretty much take my MNS frustrations out on him until he feels like total crap and says he will leave me alone if that's what I really want. I fall asleep and don't answer him.

TUESDAY

MNS texts me at 6 a.m. saying he's sorry he couldn't escape yesterday and that he's hoping to get off early because of the rain. I tell him congrats but that does me no good. I still have to work if it's raining. He's hoping we can meet up over lunch. To say the least I am not stoked that my love life (or lack thereof) is dictated by a cement company and mother nature.

Feelings Change

Wednesday, May 20th

I wake up to texts from Balls and it makes me smile. I really like him a lot. I'm trying not to though. We talk a lot about our situations and if this could work if we decided to give it a try. I give him my stipulations and he gives me his. It would not be an easy road. For now, we will just be friends and see what happens. I admit that it gets harder every day to just stay friendly though. Balls makes me feel better than I've felt in a long time. I know he's there any time I need to talk or shoot the shit or get a hug or need a smile. He's there when MNS should be but can't be or isn't. In a way I'm using him to fill the emotional void MNS often creates in my heart. He's using me the same way as he and his baby mama don't sleep in the same room, hardly talk without fighting and are only under the same roof for the sake of their son.

It's MNS's birthday today. We talk on email throughout the day. He says he will see me this weekend for sure. I've yet to see him on a weekend so I have little to no expecations for this. Plus, he has his son for the holiday weekend. I'm not exactly sure how that would all go down. He keeps telling me he will be moving out "very soon" and we're getting really close. He does not realize that every day he waits, I grow a little more detached from him.

While we're talking Balls makes another snide comment about the roses from Marine. I ask why he keeps bringing it up and he says he is jealous. He knows he shouldn't be but he is. I tell him Marine is not really a threat in anyway. And then I do something remarkable. I tell him about MNS. I want him to know the situation. I want him to know that if MNS showed up at my door tomorrow, I would invite him in and we would give it a try. Balls and I get into a bit of a tiff over this. First of all he tries to tell me it's totally cool and he hopes I'm happy and that if MNS does me wrong he will kick his ass. I appreciate the effort of him trying to play it cool but I know he's not being honest. I prod him and he comes clean that it really upsets him. He's trying not to have feelings for me but he does and they are getting very deep. I know what he means. But I remind him that he is in a situation right now as well and I'm not putting my life or happiness on hold for him or MNS when they can't get their shit straight. We talk things out and end up in a good place by the end of the day. I promise to be honest with him about what happens. He promises to try to control his jealousy since he has no right. I know that doing that is easier said than done though.

I don't want to hurt Balls but I have to be true to myself. If only I knew what I wanted at this point. I think about MNS and instead of being giddy, I am a bit sad. The more I think about what I need, the less I think he can be the one to give it to me. I know he wants to be with me when he leaves her but I don't know if it is the best thing for him. I don't want him to jump into even more of a relationship with me if he's not ready. I think he needs some "me" time after this divorce. He tells me that he's 39 years old and does not want to go out and sow his wild oats. I get that, but I think he probably needs a bit of a break between her and I. Then I do something that floors even myself. He writes me how he's so excited to see me this weekend and he can't wait for the day he can wake up next to me. I'm not sure he really feels that way or if he's saying it because he thinks that's what I want to hear. I want to let him know it's going to be ok either way.

MNS-
Everythings gonna be ok babe. No matter what happens with us. Even if u leave her n decide u dont wanna be with me, i just want u to be happy. I hope thats with me and would love for this to work out, but if its not, theres nothing we can do. U know how much i care about u n i just want u to be in a better place n feel good instead of stressed out all the time. U know? That's not saying I won't go down without a fight. I've waited too long to just walk away from this. But, if the opportunity for us to be together comes and it doesn't feel right, we can't force it. Perhaps we're here to get each other through some tough shit and remain great friends for eternity. Perhaps you are the man of my dreams. Either way, I just want you to be happy.

It catches him a little off guard. He doesn't understand why I'm doubting us. And it's not that, really. I just want him to know that it's ok and I don't want him to feel obligated because of what we've went through. I only want him with me if he wants to be there and it's what makes him happy. And the same for me. If, once he's officially mine, he can't be the guy I need, then we make a clean break and move on. That's all we can do. Give it a helluva try and see what happens. Again, it's not that I don't love him with every little bit of my heart. I just don't know if he can be the guy I need. If he was, I wouldn't need to keep Balls and Marine one the side so that I feel like my heart is full. It would be nice if one man could do this instead of needing three. He says that I do make him happy and feel great everyday. Once he's away from her he will work to do the same for me. All I can do is wait and see if that's another promise he will break.

Love, Life, Death and the Pursuit of Happiness

Monday May 18th

Happy Birthday, Mob. He and I talk for a few minutes and he says all he wants for his birthday is to see me for a few days. I tell him that planes do fly into this po-dunk town and he should probably get on one if he wants to visit. He tells me to stock up on bottled water, smokes and canned goods. I ask him if he's bringing a natural disaster with him. He says no but once he gets here we aren't leaving my room until he gets back on the plane. I tease him that there is so many cool things to see and do here and he tells me he will look at them on the internet or buy a postcard. The only thing he wants to see and do is me.

Balls is worried about me driving home for the funeral and still wants to know if there is anything he can do to help. I tell him I will be ok. He says he's not sure he can survive not being able to talk to me all day long for the next two days. I know how he feels. It will be kind of weird. He makes me promise to call him if I need to talk or anything. I tell him I will. Then he says "I know I shouldn't and you probably don't wanna hear it but I have a lot of feelings for you and I want you to know that I care about you and I'm here for you if you need me."

My phone starts blowing up from MNS and I want to scream. It starts with what's up, babe? How's your day going? Did you go home for the funeral? How are you sexy? When I don't answer any of those he tries a different approach. Sometimes he knows way too well what will get a reaction out of me. He says "what happened to you Saturday night? I thought you were going to come to the club and see me for my birthday?" I reply and ask what happened to him on Friday when he was supposed to come over after work and tell him that I did go to the club and I didn't see him and his phone was off from Friday night until Sunday night. He says his phone wasn't off unless he was sleeping and that he was at the club in the VIP area. Well guess what, MNS, I didn't see you and if you wanted to see me, you would've made sure I came there or kept an eye out for me. Go to hell. He proceeds to tell me they had a really great time. I say that's great and I'm glad we got together like planned. He ignores my sarcasm and continues writing me. I tell him to leave me alone because I'm headed to the visitation. He sends a few more and I don't reply.

When I get back to my parents house after visitation I re-read the messages from MNS and it really pisses me off. As I'm getting ready to send a bitchy reply I get a sweet text from Balls seeing how it went and if I'm ok. I decide not to reply to MNS at all and spend the rest of the night talking to Balls on the phone.


TUESDAY

I had a lot of guilt sitting through the funeral. All the wonderful, kind and selfless things my Grandpa had done being talked about. I wondered what people would say if I died tomorrow. How would Yommey explain to my parents that we needed an entire row for past and present suitors to sit? Would MNS even come to my funeral if I died? Would he be too busy? Why am I living a life I would not tell my relatives about and I am not proud of? A few of them have me on very high pedestals and I'm pretty sure I would not recover if I fell off of them because they found out I was having an affair with a married man or a growing friendship with a man who lives with his baby mama. The Pastor talked about how proud of his family and friends my Grandpa was. I thought about him being an angel now and looking over me and how he would know now and would be so disappointed. And I cried even harder.

I did a lot of thinking on the 3 hour trek home after the funeral. I knew that Balls would probably leave his situation if I asked him. We've gotten very close over the last two weeks and I know that he has feelings for me. And I have feelings for him. But I can't get in another MNS situation. If he doesn't leave her, I can't get involved with him any further. But do I want him to leave her? Do I want to be responsible for that? As I contemplate all this MNS starts blowing up my phone. He says that he and the wife got in a big fight last night and had I been home, he would've came over and left her. But he's leaving her soon and he can't take it anymore. I tell him I've heard it all before and I don't think he cares about me like he should or how I need him too. I've given him a million chances. He swears he does and he will prove it to me. I tell him I don't have time to wait anymore. He says that I don't have too. And what exactly does that mean? He says he will be leaving very soon, perhaps within the next week. I tell him I will believe it when I see it. He asks me what I'm doing this weekend. He says he wants to spend some time with me. I remind him he has his son. He says he knows and he wants him to spend some time with me as well. And how the hell are you going to explain me to a 9 year old?

I Might Drown In A Mojo River

Ok, it's been a minute but in my defense, work is insane and I've had some family stuff going on to deal with. Death sucks...that's all I know.

So last update I had sent MNS that email telling him to stop being a jackhole. He replied saying...

yes things are hectic and I am busy and I am sorry that we are not able to spend a lot of time together. I do wish that things were different right now for us. I am doing what I can with what I have and I am doing it how I think it needs to be done. I am sorry that you don't agree with me and that you are upset but I am doing what I think is best.
I know I don't text you like I should and I am sorry for that also. I will stop telling you that I will see you soon and all that becuse I dont want you thinking that I am blowing you off.
Lyndee I do like you a lot and I do want things to be better in the future but I don't know when that will be. I am not going to put a time frame on that because I don't want you getting upset over that. Like I keep saying I am doing what I need to and I am doing it how I think I need to.
If I am continually upsetting you and angering you then maybe we need to just be friends and chill out untill I get things situated and then we can go from there. If in the mean time you meet someone else then do what you feel is right for you. I am not saying that to upset you or as a brush off and I don't have anyone else nor am I looking but I don't want you saying that you passed up on something you thought could have been good waiting on me. Is this what you want to do?
I don't want to keep stressing you out and making you feel bad. I do miss you.

To which I replied that I'm sorry that's how he feels and there is not much I can say. I told him it hurt me to read that he wouldn't care if I was with someone else. I said when he leaves her we will see where we both are and if we can work things out.

Friday, May 8th

Friday night I went out with the girls and I met someone that actually sparked my interest, a lot. We chatted and exchanged numbers. We will call him Balls. He's super cute and totally hilarious. And he made me feel like I was the absolute sexiest woman in the bar that night. I needed that. We ended up having a few people over for after hours and they joined us. He didn't try to bust a move or anything. We just shot the shit for a few hours and he gave me a great hug when he left. That was it.

Saturday, May 9th

Spent the day talking to Balls and Marine. Went out on a date with Marine. It was actually a lot of fun. We went to dinner, then to a bar to have a few drinks. I was tired from Friday night so I was home before midnight so I didn't turn into a pumpkin. Got a great hug and a sweet kiss on the cheek and called it a night.

Monday, May 11th

MNS responds:
I didn't say that I wanted you to see other people!! I said that if you found someone and you thought you didn't want to wait on me I wouldn't blame you. I did NOT say go out and find someone. That would tear me up. I want to see you also but at this moment in time I don't have a lot of time. I know I have to get my priorities straight, including you. Believe me I hear that all the time. I will talk to you later today.

And he did. We spent most of the afternoon talking on IM and text. He asked if he could come see me in the morning and I said yes. I wasn't sure if he would really come or not but he did.

Tuesday, May 12th

MNS shows up at 6 in the morning. We talk awhile and romp awhile and it's great as usual but something inside me is changing. As much as I love MNS, I'm severely doubting he can ever be the man I need him to be. And, I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to leave her. Balls and Marine are both up my ass wondering when they can see me again.

The more Balls and I talk the more I like him. And then he reveals his "catch". He lives with his son and his baby mama. He says they are not really together but they live together for his son. I tell him I can't play that game and to leave me alone.

Wednesday, May 13th

Marine shows up at my work with a dozen beautiful red roses. They are huge and gorgeous and every woman that walks by my desk wants to claw my eyes out with jealousy. It makes me feel bad that he drove all the way down here to give me this wonderful gift and he has no idea he's third in line for my heart. I'm not giving him a fair shake at all. He's sweet and we have a great time talking but he's leaving in August and I can't get that out of my mind. Why would I start a relationship with him when he's leaving? The roses make me angry at MNS too. Marine knew I was having a bad day and wanted to do something nice for me. MNS should've sent those flowers but he didn't and he won't. I tell him I got flowers and he's not happy about it. I tell him they should've been from him. He asks if I'm done with him and I say I want to be but both of us know that I'm not. Balls gets jealous too, not that he has any reason too. He knows he can't be mad about it but he says he would've sent me a dozen and one and teases me about "the rose guy" for the next few days.

Thursday, May 14th

Balls and I decide we can just be friends. I love talking to him. I tell him nothing can happen between us because we both have too much going on. He says he would rather be just my friend than nothing at all. I'm glad for that. I spend the day talking to him, Marine and MNS. I feel like my heart is being pulled in about 7982 different directions and none of them are good and the answer is not clear to me at all.

Friday, May 15th

I get the call from my parents that my grandpa died at 6:15 am. MNS texts me at 6:20 to say he won't make it over this morning. I tell him it's ok because I'm no longer in the mood. He says he's very sorry to hear about my grandpa and asks if I need anything. I tell him a hug. He says if it rains he will come over at lunch and deliver me all the hugs I want. I hope he does. Marine and Balls are both very attentive and caring this morning with my news. Balls is particulary sweet and really worried about me. It feels good and bad at the same time. He makes me feel very special. He makes me angry that MNS doesn't try as hard as he does.

MNS does not come over at lunch. He says he's trying to get off work early to see me and will call when he's on his way. He doesn't call by 7. Yommey and I head out to the club where Balls is working and he spends the night by my side giving me hugs and letting me know he cares and is there if I need anything. He's like this huge teddy bear that you just want to squeeze over and over until all your problems go away. He's also like a bodyguard and doesn't let anyone get too close to me or bother me at the club. I like that. I'm not in the mood to deal with any bullshit tonight. Yommey and I leave early as I am mentally and physically exhausted. When we get home I get a text from Balls "I miss you already". Ugh. I need sleep.

Saturday, May 16th

Marine checks in on me to see how I'm doing and let's me know he made it to his conference down south. I tell him I'm doing fine and I will see him when he gets back. Balls calls in the morning to see how I'm doing as well. We IM while I'm at work.

I hear nothing from MNS. We had tentative plans to meet up tonight downtown. He was going out with the fellas for his birthday and I'm going out with the girls. We had said we would probably all meet up at the bar later on in the evening.

Yommey, Apprentice, Fair and I head out and get annihilated. Balls is at a family function but I tease him about wanting to come out and see me. I know he wants to. He makes no secret of that. I still don't hear anything from MNS but we head to the club he's supposed to be at anyway. He's not downstairs so I make my way up to the VIP lounge above. I do a quick walk through, in my drunken, blurry state, and don't see him. We leave and head to another club. Next thing I know, Balls texts me and says he's outside the club. He couldn't stay away. He and his cousin come up and watch us party.

We all go back to the club where MNS is supposed to be just before closing time. I do one more walk through and don't see him. I run into a friend of a friend, who is a total hottie and he asks for my number. I give it to him, not thinking much of it. Balls refuses to let us drive home. I ride with him and his cousin drives Yommey in her car. On the way home the friend of a friend calls to see what we're up to and says he and his buddy want to come hang out with us after hours. I give him directions and watch Balls get really annoyed. I'm too drunk to understand or care at this point. He has a girlfriend and he and I are just friends. Sure, he left his family function to come out and see me and make sure I got home safely. That's sweet. That's what friends do, right? Sometimes I am so wrong.

Sunday, May 17th

Balls is pissed at me and I feel bad. Then again, why do I feel bad? He lives with his baby mama. That's not my fault. If he was free and we were dating I wouldn't act like that in front of him but he's not. We're just friends. Although I know I like him and I should probably stop talking to him before I like him anymore. Why is that so hard to do?

Marine is on his way back to town and wants to see me. He won't get here until after I am in bed. I tell him we can get together some night this week, after I return from the funeral and such. He's very understanding about it and hopes we can get together soon. I tell him perhaps i can make him dinner Saturday night and we can rent movies. He says that sounds splendid.

Not a word from MNS today and I want to rip his face off.

Put Up Or Shut Up

Marine is all over it right now. Texting, emailing and what ever else I would allow him to do. For now I am holding him to our lunch today. We will see after that if I want to continue talking or see him again. A few texts with Tre but he's boring me. Another 200+ messages on my online dating site. I definitely need to take that profile down soon!

MNS is playing games and it's pissing me off. The last two days we had talked about getting together and I got the typical "we will see" and "depends what time I get off work" but "I would love to see you, babe" crap. Both nights around the time we had theoretically talked about meeting I called his phone to find it turned off. If you can't or don't want to see me, that's all fine and dandy but tell me that. Don't shut off your phone like a little bitch and expect me not to get mad and accept your "i'm sorry i didn't get to see you babe, babe. how is your day going?" texts the next morning. That's bullshit. I tossed and turned last night thinking about it and finally got out of bed and decided to email him and tell him just what I thought.

MNS-
i can't get you on the phone or much on text so...i'm frustrated. and as tired as you are of hearing it, i'm more tired of bringing it up. you send me these texts and emails about how you promise to make time to see me but you don't. i saw you for a total of two hours in april. TWO in an entire month. people see their eye doctors more often than that. it's gonna be two weeks again. i don't think asking for an hour a week minimum is too much. if you think it is, tell me that.

i realize things are crazy with your new promotion and no one is more excited for you than i am. but honey, i need to crack the top 200 priorities in your life. seriously. may is looking to be the same or even less than april. i know your busy season is coming up at work and softball and whatever else and i fear it is only gonna get worse. i'm trying with all my might to be understanding and patient but i need you to meet me half way. and if you say we'll see and it turns out you can't, just text me and say you can't!!!! you know that i'm understanding but do not just turn off your phone and ignore me. that is so disrespectful and rude and hurtful. i know you're not trying to be mean or ignore me. you've told me this. but it's hard not to feel that way when you do those things. actions speak much louder than words with me. we've never even talked on the phone. don't you find that a little odd? i've offered you love and support and a place to live and i drop everything if you say you have time to come see me. i've taken afternoons off work just to spend an hour with you, which as i type it, seems really pathetic. i'm not sure what else i can do to prove myself to you.

i love having fun with you and i want to continue and have more of it but you just have to work with me and communicate with me. do not just blow me off like some piece of ass, unless that is all i am to you. i'm running out of ideas of ways to talk you into seeing me and quite frankly, i shouldn't have to do that at all. i don't have the energy to keep begging you to spend time with me if you don't want to. you keep telling me to hang on and things will be great but it's getting harder and harder to believe. i won't continue to play this game with you.

So how do I think he will respond? Hell, he might be too busy to respond to something so trivial and meaningless as his girlfriend. If he does respond I'm thinking he will feed me the same bullshit lines as he always does and tell me it will be soon. But in my heart I know it won't be soon enough. Or maybe he'll finally just be honest and tell me he's not ready and will never be able to give me the time I need. One can never tell. It is a full mooon. All I know is that I am not going to spend my weekend wishing he would call or wondering what he is doing. I have better things to waste my energy on, especially since he doesn't spend any energy on me. I'm sure I'll see him around sometime.

Not Much Shaking

MNS was swamped yesterday. I have a feeling this will be an ongoing thing with his promotion. We text and emailed when he could. I'm hoping I can see him soon but not sure when that will be with his new work schedule and the fact he has his son this weekend. Next week, I guess? I'm really happy for him so I'm trying not to be too greedy. I also know this is a means to an end that I have to endure. Hopefully it doesn't take long to get things on track because I miss him a lot. He text me this morning to say he was thinking about me. Yeah, welcome to the club, baby. I need a hobby to distract me. I think about him constantly and it's beginning to hurt my head.

Marine texts me non-stop, every day. He wants to meet for lunch on Friday. I told him I only have an hour and if he wants to drive the 45 minutes here to see me for lunch, I would meet him. Hey, it's free lunch. He's going to be relocating for school for a year so I figure making a new friend won't kill me. I don't feel bad about it since there is no romantic potential between his moving and my being obsessed with MNS. I could use some male attention.

I think I need to take down one of my online profiles. I logged in Friday to clear some messages out and when I logged back in on Sunday I had over 200 messages. What the french toast?! Who are these people? Here's what floored me about some of them. I had at least a dozen that gave me their name, email and phone number. Phone number? Really? Shouldn't you at least wait until I reply that I'm interested before you go giving every Jane Doe you think is cute your phone number? I don't like giving mine out at all. I guess that's the difference between men and women.

Steps

MONDAY
My nephew plays this game where he takes really quick "baby, baby, baby steps" and then two giant steps as far as his little legs will take him. It's hilarious. We did it together this weekend and it was so much fun. We got where we needed to go and laughed the entire way. I've been thinking about baby, baby, baby, big steps the last few days because of him. I can't help but liken this game to things with MNS.

The last two months MNS and I have taken some big steps, followed by baby steps and then big steps again. Before we were just running in place so any steps forward excite me. Within the last two weeks things have take some really big steps and I'm filled with excitement. Like I said before, there are three things that needed to happen for us. One was get the phone turned on. Check. Two, he needed to get a vehicle. He will have that in his possession on Thursday. Check. Last, but definitely not least, he needed to move out of their house. After spending yesterday afternoon talking about it, I realize this is much closer than I had anticipated. We spent a lot of time talking about him possibly staying with us in the very near future. This is a big decision and a lot to weigh out. Neither of us want to do anything that will jeapordize our relationship.

I'm sure to others it seems hasty but considering we've been working on this since the fall of 2007, I don't feel that it is. We have been debating the pros and cons of this big step. The pros seem to be kicking the cons ass right now. We laid out our requests, demands and what we would need and what we could not have occur if he did move in for a little while. We also decided that as of right now, this is a temporary solution. When Yommey and I get our house, he will get his own place. We are not ruling out the possibility that he might move with us but it would have to be right for him, I and Yommey and Mini before that could occur. I told him that ultimately this all comes down to him. I asked him to take a few days to think it over before he makes any decisions. I will not pretend and say that I don't care what he decides. I hope he does stay for a little while. The thought of him leaving her and being with me makes me giddy with excitement. No more being rushed and sneaking around would be divine. The idea of waking up next to him and him being mine makes my head swoon. I know he agrees completely. We will see what happens.

TUESDAY
MNS texts me bright and early saying that they offered him his promotion. We are soooo excited! Not only is this a super opportunity for him that he has worked very hard for, but he says it takes us another step closer to being together. Again, whether baby or big steps, things are moving in the right direction and I am so happy.

On a side note, it's hard to believe that four years ago today Von and I drove into this state to start our new life. Oh, how different things have turned out from my original plan. And as much as I sometimes miss my old life, I am very happy here. I'm sure I don't say that enough. I could not be more blessed than to be surrounded by the most amazing family and friends in the galaxy. Sure, Von brought me home, but now I think I was meant to be here. I need to be here. Finally, I can say, I want to be here.

Out Of The Loop

FRIDAY
Spend most of the day texting and emailing with MNS. He wants to see me before I leave town but the rain is clearing up so most likely he will have to work until he goes to his sister's house. He says if he doesn't come over tonight he will in the morning. How many times have I heard this one? Just a couple thousand. I will admit I really love being able to talk to him all day long again, though. It's a great pick me up throughout the day and makes me smile every time his name pops up on my phone. Marine and Tre are both pressing to meet me and I continue to blow them off.

SATURDAY
MNS starts blowing up my phone at 5:45 AM apologizing for not coming over Friday night. He got drunk at his sisters house and now he's on his way to work. I pick a tiny fight with him to make him feel bad and then drop it. I'm not that upset and I won't want to push him too far. I just like for him to grovel once in awhile. He texts me most of my drive to see the family. Marine does too.

After my nephew's baptism I make the 30 minute drive to see Dutchboy to get the money he owes me. He looks really crappy and worn down. Chemo will do that to you, I guess. I stay and talk to him for a whopping four minutes and then we both know it's time to leave. I'm pretty sure I will never see or talk to him again after this. Nothing left to talk about really. That was the last loose end we needed to tie up.

SUNDAY
Marine is texting me non-stop while I drive back home and wants to take me to dinner tonight. I tell him we will see. At this point, I'm not really in the mood. MNS texts me and asks what time I'm getting back to town and says he would like to see me. I tell him I'm already back and I don't hear from him again. Sometimes he's such an idiot.

It was weird hanging out with my family this weekend. I love them with all my heart and we always have a great time but I feel very out of the loop. Every conversation that occurs between us now involves babies. Every move and piece of information revolves around my two nephews. Not that this is bad. I love my nephews more than anything in the entire world but I don't have anything to contribute to these conversations. There is nothing I can add or share or even disagree with. I have no children. I am not pregnant. I don't have to share coupons for diapers or have any tips on how to potty train. My kid didn't do anything super cute last Tuesday on the drive home or keep me up all night Thursday. My parents no longer make trips to see me like they did when I lived far away. They make trips to see grand babies and hope to see me while they are here visiting. So I sit on the outside of this circle that is my family and watch and hope someday I can be back in the loop and have relevant information and stories to share so that I can be connected to them again.

How Low Can One Sink?

Before I start my rant for the day I have some good news. MNS emailed me this morning and said his phone would be on in the next two to three hours. I figured I would believe that when I saw it and did not get my hopes up. I asked him if he was ok since our emails the last two days have been kind of short. He said "I've been busy at work but everything is good. Why wouldn't it be? I got you! :)" Ok, that should tide me over for the morning. I get to thinking that this could be a big weekend for us. The phone is on and he's supposed to go get his new truck this weekend. That's two out of three things we needed to happen for things to be all gravy for us. Once this weekend is done, he just needs to find a place to live and we will actually be able to be together. The thought of it makes my head wanna pop right off my shoulders. I've waited so long and it's getting closer and closer. I think only dogs and sonic radar can hear the squeel of delight I am doing right now.

Anyway, on to the topic of the day. This is a touchy subject for a lot of people I care about but it's one that I want to address anyway. I used to have this friend, we'll call her The Other Woman. She fell in love with a guy at her work that had a girlfriend. This is not her crime and the reason most of us eventually had to cut her out of our lives. The problem was this guy was a complete asshole to her, had no intentions of ever leaving his girlfriend, totally used her for smokes, money, sex and didn't care about her at all. Unfortunately, her love for him blinded the fact that as far as he was concerned she was nothing but an easy piece of ass on the side. Everyone could see it but her. We all told her. I think she knew it as well because she would never tell him how she felt or ask him to leave the other woman. She was simply going to bide her time being his fling and hope that someday he realized he loved her and leave his girlfriend. It's an age old story, really, but it takes a very interesting twist and this is where it gets really jacked up.

So once the girlfriend finds out about The Other Woman, jackass fights to get her back. He tells The Other Woman that they have to stop talking and that he loves his girlfriend. This does not deter her. He straight out tells her he would pick his girlfriend over her and she doesn't care. He is unable to win his girlfriend back. Perhaps The Other Woman thought he would now be with her? I'm sure I would have the same hopes. Although, I would hope that someone would bitch slap me and ask why I would want to be his second choice. Anyway...

Instead of being with The Other Woman, guess what jackhole does after he mends from losing his live in girlfriend? He goes and gets ANOTHER girlfriend who also happens to be a co-worker of his and The Other Woman. Now, if a woman has an iota of a brain or self-respect or any one that loves and cares about her, she is going to realize that he is a complete mother fucker and doesn't give a shit about her, right? Well, blame it on whatever you want but she didn't. He passed her over when he became single and sought out someone else. Someone she would have to see him with daily. I should also add that she never minded playing along like they were just friends. When he had girlfriend #1, The Other Woman acted like they were super buddies. Imagine the girlfriends shock when the truth was exposed? I'm guessing it was much like girlfriend #2's last weekend. Jackhole and The Other Woman's affair had continued on the side despite his new girlfriend that he picked over her. Apparently last weekend at a party, that Jackhole went to with Girlfriend #2, she caught him having sex with The Other Woman in the hot tub. Now here's where a million questions come to my mind that I want to address.

I'm not even going to address the question of who has sex in a hot tub at a party where people are watching and the girlfriend #2 is inside? And my sources say that the person that owns the hot tub has children that probably frequently use the hot tub. Ewww.

I guess I'm just blown away. How can you hate yourself and think so low of yourself that you accept this situation to continue? I fully admit that my affair with MNS is twisted and wrong on every moral and ethical level I know. I will be the first to say that. But I guarantee you this, if his wife found out and left him and he decided to be with someone else, other than me, I would kick his ever living ass all over the tri-state area. I would never look at, speak to, or think about that fuck face again. Period. My used to be friend The Other Woman has watched him lose two girlfriends while keeping her on the side. At what point do you not realize you are NEVER going to be the girlfriend? He doesn't want you in any capacity but an easy lay. He thinks of you as nothing. You mean nothing to him. He obviously cares nothing about you. I'm angry for her. I'm angry at her. Oddly, I'm not that angry at him. He's going to continue to do this to her over and over because she will let him. As Ronnie always says, don't hate the player, hate the game.

I'm not gonna lie...the bitch in me laughed outloud at her stupidity when I heard the latest. But then friend in me that used to love her dearly wanted to cry because I wonder if I ever really knew this person at all. The Other Woman I knew was not an emotional cutter. She was smart and beautiful and way to good to put herself through this time and time again. I mean, for fuck sake, he's not even lying to you and telling you that you two will be together some day. Why are you wasting your life on this piece of shit?

Had MNS said to me, "yes, babe, I'm married and we'll never be together but I'd sure like to have fun with you whenever I feel like it because you're a mighty great lay" do you think he would still be breathing? Hell no!! I have no idea what our future holds once he leaves her. I hope for the best, of course, because that's what he's led me to believe will be, and that's what I want. And right now, all I can do is trust his promises. But trust and know that I do love myself and I have respect and self-worth and if he ever tried to pull anything remotely close to that on me, I would erase him from my life so fast, some would never even know he existed.

Letting Him Take Care Of Business

MNS said something to me the other day that struck a cord. Not necessarily in a bad way but it brought up a few feelings I should probably explore. We were talking about his phone and him finding a place and a new car and what not so he can leave the wifey. I offered to do something and he didn't get mad, I've yet to see any real temper out of him at all, but he was very stern in saying "This is my problem and I have to take care of it. You can't fix it." This hit me for a number of reasons. One being that I'm a chronic fixer and always have been. I always get burned but it doesn't stop me. I'm a cancer and it's my nurture nature to want to help those in need and "fix" things for them. It makes me feel useful and loved. I'm much more aware of it now but it's still hard to stop that urge.

It also made me think about that book I was reading last week and how it said that men have to take care of themselves and if they feel they can't take care of their life, then they can't have a healthy relationship because they don't feel they can provide for and protect those they love. This is what happened to Von and I. I can see that now. At the time I just wanted to help him, like I assumed he would help me, but I didn't realize I was taking away his masculinity. When he told me that me fixing things made him feel like less of a man I just thought he was being a pansy and a jackass. Had he stepped up to do things I wouldn't have had to fix stuff. Von claims I never gave him time to fix things. So I'm not patient. That's no news flash. I never have been. If something needs to be done I just do it. Perhaps I am too independent to be in a serious relationship? I'm never going to need a man again, Von made sure of that. So have I made myself too strong and too independent that no man will ever stay with me? I'm not sure. I'm going to try my best to let MNS fix all of this on his own and prove to me that he is the man that is worth waiting for and being with. Maybe letting someone prove that to me will make me more apt to stay and work things out? The last few years, MNS excluded, I never give any one enough time or chances to prove themselves to me. I am quick to walk at the first sign of trouble because I don't want to waste time. If the man I meet isn't already the man I need and have his shit together, I will bolt like 3000 watts of electricity because I know if there is a problem, I am better off just fixing it myself.

The weird thing is, I want MNS to take care of all this stuff on his own. I just wish it was on my time table. I want him to be happy and confident in himself so that we can be together. I want him to force himself to be the man he wants to be without my prodding or him feeling like he owes it to me. I want him to do this for him and not for me. Yes, I will benefit from it but I think I finally understand what many have told me over the years. Of course, understanding it and actually following through with what is the right thing to do and minding my own business are two totally different stories. I am going to try though. That's all I can do. I just hope he doesn't take too long to get his life in order. I mean, really, how hard is that? A few days tops, right? Hee hee. I kid, I kid. I'm giving him two months. It doesn't have to be finished by then but I at least need to see some significant progress.

So Close I Can Almost Taste It...

SUNDAY
I talk to Tre and Marine a few times. I'm too tired to really engage in valid conversation so they can take it or leave it. Fucking rebound shows up at our apartment at 2:30 in the morning, banging on the door, wondering why I keep hanging up on him. Huh? I look at his phone and see that he has juxtaposed the first three digits of my phone number and has been terrorizing someone else that doesn't want to talk to him. I ream his ass for showing up at our door at that hour and waking us up. He's drunk and clearly can't drive. I let him stay. As soon as I do I regret this because the guy snores like a freakin' buzz saw. He is out in a matter of minutes and I stare at the clock and watch it tick towards 5:30 AM. Rebound keeps trying to cuddle up on me and eventually I am almost hanging off the side of the bed. I throw a few elbows and roll him to the opposite side. I am annoyed out of my ever living mind.

MONDAY
I kick Rebound out at 6 AM. I haven't slept for shit and I need to get ready for work. He asks if he can see me this week. I tell him after the stunt he pulled last night that is highly unlikely. Tre starts texting me as I'm leaving for work. It's a rainy day and he's thinking we should hangout and watch movies and skip work. I tell him I don't know him like that and in my head I'm thinking, if I'm skipping work on a rainy day, it's for MNS and no one else. Tre asks if he can meet me Wednesday or Thursday night. I tell him I will get back to him.

I feel like crap and I'm going on no sleep. I decide that I need to go home and get some rest. As I'm getting ready to leave work MNS starts emailing me. We decide that he will come over during his lunch so we can talk. I haven't seen him in two weeks and I am dying too.

11:30

I'm sitting in my room when I hear MNS knock. He comes in and says hello. I walk out and laugh at him. Did you just knock? He smiles. "I know, I'm full of surprises." He grabs me into a tight hug and gives me a kiss. I stand there a few moments and just take it in. "Man, I have missed you" he whispers in my ear. I couldn't agree more.

We head to my room and things are very different than last time. Maybe I'm just paranoid or imagining it but I don't think I was. Now, this is going to sound disgusting and mushy, I realize, but it's true. Even though he was on a schedule and needed to get back to work we didn't tear each others clothes off and hop into bed. We talked for awhile, kissed for awhile, talked some more, kissed some more. It was all very chill. There wasn't any rush today. The sex was flippin' unbelievable...and different as well. It was hands down the best sex we've ever had and we've had some awesome sex. Something was changing and for the better.

Afterwards while we cuddled I asked him what he thought he was going to do as far as moving out. He says the only thing that stops him from moving in with us is that he doesn't want to crowd us or impose. I told him that Yommey and I had talked about it at length and don't see it being a problem but that it was completely up to him. He says it sure would be nice to see you everyday and wake up next to you. Really? Did you steal those thoughts from my head? Weird. He is hoping to get a vehicle this weekend so one out of two issues would be down. Once he gets that and figures out where to stay he can move out. I tell him I really hope it's before my birthday. He says he's hoping it's before his. I am squeeling with delight inside. His birthday is less than a month away. That would be freakin' phenomenal!! I bring up that he said he has been talking to his mom about leaving. He says that she's really religious (I already know this because I saw her facebook page) and that she is not an advocate of divorce but she's still his mom and wants to see him happy. She told him to heavily weigh the pros and cons and then make the best decision for him. Then this goes down and completely freaks me out:

Me: she doesn't know about me, does she?
MNS: well, yeah.
(I almost choke and I feel the blood rushing to my face in fear)
Me: What?
MNS: I didn't give her intimate details or anything but she knows about you and us.
Me: You said she's really religious.
MNS: She is but she's still my mom.
Me: She's going to hate me and think I'm a homewrecking hussy.
He laughs, probably just to annoy me.
MNS: She see's how happy you make me. So does my son. He said this weekend that I seem different and happier.
Me: And?
MNS: And that's because of you and that every day we get closer to me being free to be with you.
Me: Wow. You didn't tell him about me, did you?
MNS: No, he's 9.
Me: Thank god.
MNS: Well, what did your parents say when you told them about me?
Hmmm...now this is getting weirder.
Me: I haven't.
His smile fades.
MNS: Why? I thought you were really tight with your family?
Me: I am but this isn't my situation to fix. I'm hoping when they meet you that it will be later and they will never have to know that I was part of an affair with a married man.
MNS: They are gonna know.
Me: Yes, they will know. I'm not gonna lie to them about it. But it would be better for me if the fact we met while you were married is more of an after thought and not the main focus right now.
He thinks on this for a second and I can tell he's a little bothered.
MNS: Ok.
Me: Besides, who said you were ever gonna be lucky enough to meet my family? Because I'm going to avoid your mother like the plague!!!
I laugh. He smacks me with the pillow and rolls on top of me.
MNS: It would be so easy to just stay here with you all day.
Me: Ok, please do.
I give him my best puppy dog eyes but they never work on him.

Eventually he has to leave and I walk him out. He gives me a few more kisses and hugs and says he will talk to me soon. He walks out and I know that he totally knows I love him and maybe that drunk email wasn't such a bad thing. He knows and I think he's very happy about it. And that's good enough for me right now.